Dad versus mom. about different views on education

Everyone knows what important is given to the mother in the child’s life, because it is this person who contributes correct formation character and personality of the baby. However, one should not underestimate the role of the father in raising a child, especially in a family where a boy is growing up. True, according to psychologists, both boys and girls need their father’s love equally. It is very good if children have the opportunity to spend a lot of time with their father, to feel his care, love and affection.

The importance of father's participation in raising a child

The importance of a father in raising a child, his development and life is very great. At the same time, in order to convey your own life values ​​to your son or daughter, you need to communicate with the baby from the first days of his birth. A man should devote enough time every day to the baby so that he feels his presence both physically and emotionally.

Every boy or girl should be sure that the father will be able to push all his affairs into the background at any moment and spend time with his daughter or son. With this behavior of a man in a family, children will always turn to him with any problem.

The feeling of fatherhood comes much later than the feeling of the role of motherhood. The father's participation in raising the child largely depends on the woman's behavior; her task is to involve her husband in the care and upbringing of the child. To do this, just ask your husband to sit with the baby and look after him while the mother does household chores. Some men themselves show a desire to help their spouse, while others need to be asked nicely.

The functions of a father in raising a child: creating a model of relationships

The role of the father in raising children in the family is underestimated by many people, however, psychologists themselves claim that a child who grew up in complete family, differs significantly from those brought up in single-parent family. The fact is that mom and dad create a role model for their child, which is why children so often inherit the behavior of their parents.

For the successful development of a child’s personality, it is very important to create ideal model interpersonal relationships in a family where there is no violence and harshness, but where love, loyalty and mutual understanding reign. A girl and a boy should associate their mother with care, affection and tenderness, and their father should personify protection, strength, and strength of character. Of course, all the emotions that the baby passed through himself in childhood, he will apply them in his adult life. For a child, a father is a clear example of how a real man should behave.

A person who has not felt two since birth different worlds- male and female in the person of dad and mom, becomes quite limited in its capabilities. It is much more difficult for such people to navigate environment than those who grew up in a full-fledged family, where both parents were equally involved in upbringing. The baby’s communication with dad and mom lays the foundation the right basics in his character.

Psychology of raising children: the role and authority of the father for the son

What part a father takes in raising a child, in particular a boy, only specialists can answer as accurately as possible. A boy, starting from an early age, needs friendship and approval from his father regarding his actions. The authority of the father in raising children is much higher than that of the mother, this is inherent in nature itself. Most men, coming home from work, want to lie down and relax, not even realizing how much their sons need to communicate with dad. To prevent your child from feeling abandoned and unwanted, you can devote only 15 minutes to him. This time is enough for your son to be convinced of his father's strong love.

Many men make the same mistakes when dealing with their sons: they try to make the boys ideal in every way, which interferes with their pleasant and relaxed pastime. If a man is interested in one of the sports, he almost always tries to involve his son in this activity, without even asking if the kid is interested in it. Boys do not become men in spirit just because they are male; positive example which they take from their fathers.

It is strictly forbidden to scold boys for what fathers sometimes think is unmanly behavior, for example, when a son starts crying or gets upset over little things. Psychologists strongly recommend that parents not shame boys in such situations. The functions of a father in raising a child are not limited to the man punishing the boy. It is important to build relationships correctly so that they are trusting and friendly throughout the entire period of the child’s development.

What part does a father take in raising a girl child?

The role of the father in raising his daughter is also great, because the girl’s relationships with men in the future depend on it. The girl needs her father to compliment her, support her, and, if necessary, give her useful tips. It is a well-known fact that girls in the future choose men who resemble their father. Psychologists say that almost every girl, on a subconscious level, is looking for a man who is very similar to her father. During adolescence, any rude or tactless word spoken to a daughter can cause her deep mental trauma. That is why it is extremely important that a girl associates her father with kindness, support, love and respect.

The responsibilities of a father in raising a child come down to ensuring that the man, together with his wife, the mother of the child, makes his son or daughter feel that they are loved, cared for and proud of them. This approach is the most correct; it contributes to the development of good relationships between two loved ones. In order for a child to respect his father, a woman must support her husband’s authority with all her might. Harmonious development children in the family will be facilitated by mutual understanding and mutual respect between parents. It is important that both mother and father adhere to the same position in education, otherwise the son or daughter may experience disorientation. In such cases, most often they talk about “ difficult child" If mom says one thing and dad says something else, the child does not understand who to listen to, he becomes capricious, irritable and aggressive, and in some cases, on the contrary, withdraws into himself. This will never happen if the baby grows up in love, warmth and affection.

Raising preschool children: the role of the father in the patriotic education of a child

The role of the father in raising children preschool age cannot be overestimated, it was during this period in little man the main traits of his character and attitude to life are laid. A father should spend more time with his children, give them love and care. It is advisable to entrust the choice of entertainment and way of free time to the child himself, because only he himself knows what he really wants.

The psychology of the relationship between the child and parents will help you independently understand the role of the father in raising children. If you have the opportunity, you should seek advice or help from child psychologist to make sure that your behavior in the family is correct and, if necessary, change it.

A father is obliged to instill in his child not only a love of life, the people around him, but also the country in which his son or daughter lives. The role of a father in the patriotic upbringing of a child is that a man must teach his children to love the land on which they grow. Of course, this task rests more with teachers, however, if you wish, you can study patriotic education the younger generation.

The role of the father and the goals of raising children also depend on the traditions that exist in the family. In most families, patriarchy is observed, but there are also cases where they live according to the principles of matriarchy.

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IN new section "Child psychology" we publish an article on very important topic, which is often not recognized by parents. The speech will go about the role of the father in the development and formation of a child - This is a must read for all young parents! And don't let her scare you big size: Half an hour spent reading the article and understanding it will save you from many mistakes that have already been made by other parents. Tells professional psychologist— Marta Lukovnikova.

Rejecting the father: dialogues from the practice of a psychologist

At the reception: (boy 6 years old, severe neurotic disorder)

Who do you live with?
- With mom.
- And dad?
- And we kicked him out.
- Like this?
- We divorced him... he humiliates us... he is not a man... he ruined our best years...

At the reception: (teenager 14 years old, severe migraines, fainting, illegal behavior)

Why didn’t you draw dad, because you are one family?
- It would be better if he didn’t exist at all, such a dad...
- What do you mean?
- He ruined his mother’s whole life, behaved like a pig... now he doesn’t work...
- How does your dad treat you personally?
- Well, he doesn’t scold for bad marks...
- … All?
- And that’s all... what from him? ...I even earn my own money for entertainment...
- How do you earn money?
- I weave baskets...
- Who taught?
- Father... he taught me a lot, I can still fish... I can drive a car... I can do a little woodworking... By spring the boat has been tarred, so my father and I will go fishing.
- How can you sit in the same boat with a person who would rather not exist in the world?
-... well, in general, we have something like this... the relationship is interesting... when my mother leaves, we are fine... it’s she who doesn’t get along with him, but I can do it with my mother and father when we’re not together...

At the reception: (6 year old girl, problems with communication, not attentive, nightmares, stuttering, bites her nails...)

Why did you only draw mom and brother, but where are dad and you?
- Well, we are in a different place so that mom can have good mood…
- What if you all stay together?
- That's bad...
- How bad is that?
- … … (the girl is crying)

Over time:
- Just don’t tell mom that I love dad too, very much...

At the reception: (teenager with severe neurotic disorder)

-...Does your son really believe in his father’s death?
- Yes! We specifically told him this... otherwise God forbid he wants to meet him, then you won’t get any inheritance... but my grandmother and I only say good things about my father, so that he doesn’t worry and strives to become a good man.

At the reception: (8 year old boy, severe depression and a number of other diseases)

-...What about dad?
- Don't know…

I turn to my mother:

Are you not talking about your father's death?
- He knows, we talked about it... (mom cries), but he doesn’t ask, and doesn’t want to look at the photographs.

When mom leaves the office, I ask the boy:
-...are you interested in finding out about dad?

The boy comes to life and looks into my eyes for the first time.
- Yes, but you can’t...
- Why?
- Mom will cry again, don’t.

Rejecting Father: The Cost of Abandoning Father

During my time working with children, in my practice, I had to face the following facts:

• Children love their parents equally strongly, regardless of the behavior they exhibit.
• The child perceives mom and dad as a whole and as the most important part of himself.
• The attitude of a child to his father and a father to his child is always shaped by the mother. (The woman acts as an intermediary between the father and the child; it is she who conveys to the child: who his father is, what he is like and how he should be treated).

The mother has absolute power over the child, she does whatever she wants with him, consciously or unconsciously. Such strength is given to a woman by nature so that her offspring can survive without unnecessary doubts. At first, the mother herself is the child’s world, and later she brings the child into the world through herself. The child learns the world through his mother, sees the world through her eyes, and focuses on what is important to his mother. Consciously and unconsciously, the mother actively shapes the child’s perception. The mother also introduces the child to the father, she conveys the degree of importance of the father. If the mother does not trust her husband, the child will avoid the father.

At the reception:

My daughter is 1 year 7 months old. She runs away from her father screaming, and when he takes her in his arms, she cries and breaks away. A Lately began to tell her father: “Go away, I don’t love you.” You are bad".

How do you really feel about your husband?

I am very offended by him...to the point of tears.

The father's attitude towards the child is also shaped by the mother. For example, if a woman does not respect the father of the child, then the man may refuse attention to the child. Quite often the same situation is repeated: as soon as a woman cheats internal attitude to the child's father, how he unexpectedly expresses a desire to see the child and participate in his upbringing. And this is even in cases where the father long years ignored the child.

• If attention and memory are impaired, self-esteem is inadequate, and behavior leaves much to be desired, then the child’s soul is sorely lacking a father.
• Rejection of the father in the family often leads to the emergence of intellectual and mental retardation child development.
• If the communication sphere is impaired, there is high anxiety, fears, and the child has not learned to adapt to life, and feels like a stranger everywhere, then he cannot find his mother in his heart.
• It is easier for children to cope with the problems of growing up if they feel that mom and dad accept them completely, as they are.
• A child grows up healthy emotionally and physically when he is out of the zone of problems of his parents - each individually and/or them as a couple. That is, he takes his own children's place in the family system.
• The child always “holds the flag” for the rejected parent. Therefore, he will connect with him in his soul by any means. For example, he can repeat difficult features of fate, character, behavior, etc. Moreover, than stronger mother does not accept these features, the more clearly they manifest themselves in the child. But as soon as the mother sincerely allows the child to be like his father, to love him openly, the child will have a choice: to connect with his father through difficult things or to love him directly - with his heart.

The child is equally devoted to mom and dad; he is bound by love. But when the relationship in a couple becomes difficult, the child, by the power of his devotion and love, is deeply involved in the difficult thing that causes pain to the parents. He takes on so much that he really does a lot to alleviate the mental suffering of one or both parents at once. For example, a child may become psychologically equal parents: friend, partner. And even a psychotherapist. Or it can rise even higher, psychologically replacing their parents for them. Such a burden is unbearable either for the physical or for mental health child. After all, in the end, he is left without his support - without his parents.

When a mother does not love, does not trust, does not respect, or is simply offended by the child’s father, then looking at the child and seeing many manifestations of the father in him, consciously or unconsciously lets the baby know that his “male part” is bad. She seems to be saying: “I don’t like this. You are not my child if you look like your father.” And out of love for the mother, or rather because of the deep desire to survive in this family system, the child still refuses his father, and therefore the masculine in himself.

The child pays too high a price for such a refusal. In his soul, he will never forgive himself for this betrayal. And he will definitely punish himself for this with a broken destiny, poor health, and failure in life. After all, living with this guilt is unbearable, even if it is not always realized. But this is the price of his survival.

To get a rough feel of what is going on in a child’s soul, try to close your eyes and imagine the two people closest to you, for whom you can, without hesitation, give your life. And now all three of you, holding hands tightly, found yourself in the mountains. But the mountain you were standing on suddenly collapsed. And it turned out that you miraculously stayed on the rock, and your two most dear person hanging over the abyss, holding your hands. Your strength is running out and you understand that you can’t pull out two. Only one person can be saved. Who will you choose? At this moment, mothers, as a rule, say: “No, it’s better to all die together. It's horrible!" Indeed, it would be easier, but living conditions are such that the child has to make an impossible choice. And he does it. Mostly towards the mother. “Imagine that you finally let one person go and pulled out another.

How will you feel towards someone you couldn't save?

Huge, sizzling guilt.

And to the one for whom you did it?

Hatred".

But nature is wise - the topic of anger at one’s mother in childhood is strictly tabulated. This is justified, because mother not only gives life, she also supports it. After dad's abandonment, mom remains the only person who can support her in life. Therefore, when expressing your anger, you can cut down the branch on which you are sitting. And then this anger turns on oneself (auto-aggression). “It was I who did a bad job, I betrayed dad, I didn’t do enough to...and I’m the only one. It's not mom's fault - she weak woman" And then problems with behavior, mental and physical health begin.

Rejecting the father: the role of the father in the development of the child and the formation of personality

There is much more to masculinity than resemblance to one's own father. The principle of masculinity is the law. Spirituality. Honor and dignity. Sense of proportion (internal sense of appropriateness and timeliness). Social self-realization (work you enjoy, good material income, career) is possible only if there is a positive image father.

No matter how wonderful the mother is, only the father can initiate the adult part within the child. (Even if the father himself failed to build a relationship with own father. This is not so important for the initiation process). Have you probably met adults who are infantile and helpless like children? They start a bunch of things at the same time, have many projects, but never finish any of them. Or those who are afraid to start a business, to be active in social self-realization. Or those who can't say no. Or they don’t keep their word, it’s difficult to rely on them for anything. Or those who constantly lie. Or those who are afraid to have their own point of view agree with many things against their own will, “bending” to the circumstances. Or, on the contrary, those who behave defiantly, fight with the world around them, opposing themselves to other people, doing a lot of things in defiance, or even behaving illegally. Or those for whom life in society is given with great difficulty, at exorbitant prices, etc. - all these are people who did not have access to their father.

Only next to my father Small child experiencing boundaries for the first time. Your own boundaries and the boundaries of other people. The boundaries of what is permitted and what is not permitted. Your capabilities and abilities. Next to his father, the child feels how the law operates. His strength. (Relationships with mom are built according to a different principle: without boundaries - complete merging). As an example, we can recall the behavior of Europeans (in Europe the principles of the masculine are clearly expressed) and Russians (in Russia the principles of the feminine are clearly expressed) when they find themselves together on the same territory. Europeans, no matter how small the territory they find themselves in space, are intuitively located in such a way that no one bothers anyone, no one violates anyone’s borders, and even if it is a space crowded with people, there is still room for everyone to pursue their own interests. If Russians appear, then they fill everything. There is no place for anyone anymore. By their behavior they destroy other people's space, because they do not have their own boundaries. Chaos begins. And this is exactly what the feminine is without the masculine.

It is in the male stream that dignity, honor, will, determination, responsibility are formed - at all times highly valued human qualities.

In other words, children whom their mother did not allow into their father’s stream (consciously or unconsciously) will not be able to easily and naturally awaken within themselves a balanced, adult, responsible, logical, purposeful person - now they will have to make enormous efforts. Because psychologically they were left to the boys and both girls, without ever becoming men and women.

Now for the mother’s decision: to protect the child from the father, a person will pay an incredibly high price throughout his life. It was as if he had lost the blessing of life.

“If a wife respects her husband and a husband respects his wife, the children also feel respected. Whoever rejects a husband (or wife) rejects him (or her) in children. Children take it as a personal rejection” - Bert Hellinger.

The father plays different but significant roles for his son and daughter. For a boy, a father is his self-identification by gender (i.e., feeling like a man not only physically, but also psychologically). The father is the homeland for the son, his “pack”.

Rejecting the father: the role of the father for the son

A boy is born from the very beginning to a person of the opposite sex. Everything that a boy comes into contact with in his mother is different in essence, different from himself. The woman experiences the same feeling. Therefore, it is wonderful when a mother can give her son her love, filling her with a feminine flow, initiating feminine principles, lovingly releasing him to his homeland - to his father. (By the way, only in this case can a son respect his mother and be sincerely grateful to her). From the moment of birth until approximately three years the boy is under the influence of his mother. Those. he is imbued with the feminine: sensitivity and tenderness. The ability to be close, trusting and long-term emotional relationships. It is with the mother that the child learns empathy (feeling into the mental state of another person). Communicating with her awakens interest in other people. Development is actively initiated emotional sphere, as well as intuition and creative abilities - they are also in the feminine zone. If the mother was open in her love for the baby, then later, as an adult, such a man will be a caring husband, an affectionate lover and a loving father.

Normally, after about three years, the mother lets her son go to his father. It's important to emphasize that she's letting him go forever. Letting go means allowing the boy to be imbued with masculinity and to be a man. And for this process it is not so important whether the father is alive or dead, maybe he has another family, or he is far away, or he has a difficult fate.

It also happens that biological father no and cannot be near the child. Then what matters here is what the mother feels in her soul towards the child’s father. If a woman cannot agree with his fate or with him, how the right father for her child, then the baby receives a lifelong ban on male sex. And even the right environment in which he rotates will not be able to compensate him for this loss. He might be studying male species sports, my mother’s second husband can be a wonderful person and courageous man, perhaps there is even a grandfather or uncle who is ready to communicate with the child, but all this will remain on the surface, as a form of behavior. In his soul, a child will never dare to violate his mother’s prohibition. But if a woman still manages to accept the child’s father into her heart, then the child will unconsciously feel that masculinity is good. Mom herself gave her blessing. Now, when meeting men in his life: grandfather, friends, teachers, or mother’s new husband, the child will be able to be saturated with the masculine flow through them. Which he will take from his father.

The only thing that matters is what image the mother has in her soul about the child’s father. A mother can allow a child into the father’s stream only if in her heart she respects the child’s father, or at least treats him well. If this does not happen, then it is useless to tell your husband: “Go play with the child. Go for a walk together,” etc., the father will not hear these words, just like the child. Only what is accepted by the soul has an impact. Does the mother bless the father and child on mutual love to each other? Does a mother's heart fill with warmth when she sees how much a child looks like his father? If the father is recognized, then the baby will now begin to actively fill with masculinity. Now development will go according to male type, with everyone male characteristics, habits, preferences, and nuances. Those. Now the boy will begin to differ greatly from his mother’s feminine side and will begin to look more and more like his father’s masculine one. This is how men with pronounced masculinity grow up.

Rejecting the father: the role of a father for his daughter

With daughters, this process is somewhat different. The girl, too, stays with her mother until she is about three years old, drinking in the feminine. Around three to four years of age, she comes under the influence of her father and is in the field of his influence for approximately
about six to seven years old. At this time, the masculine is actively initiated: will, determination, logic, creative thinking, memory, attention, hard work, responsibility, etc. And most importantly, it is during this period that the understanding is laid that the girl differs from her father in gender. That she looks like her mother and soon she will become the same beautiful woman how is your mom. It is during this period that daughters adore their fathers. They actively show signs of attention and sympathy towards dad. It’s good if mom supports this, and dad can show his daughter that she is beautiful and that he loves her. In the future, it is this experience of communicating with the most important man in life that will allow her to feel attractive woman. Daughters who were not allowed to see their father at one time psychologically remain girls, despite the fact that they have long become adults. But after some time, it is very important for dad to let his daughter go back to mom – in the women’s room, and for mom to accept her. This happens when a girl begins to feel that dad loves mom a little more than her, and that as a woman, mom likes and suits dad better. This is a bitter parting with the most the best man, but incredibly healing. Now the girl has been initiated into the principles of masculinity, which means she can achieve a lot in life. But most importantly, she has the happy experience of being accepted and loved by a man. Having returned to her mother, she will now be filled with feminine things throughout her life. This power will give her the opportunity to find good partner and start a family, give birth and raise healthy children.

Usually, after such a discovery, mothers feel confused and full of contradictions. They all ask roughly the same questions:

“What can I do if I not only don’t love the father of my child, I just hate him?! There’s nothing to even respect him for - he’s a degraded person! Am I going to lie to my child that his father is a good person? Yes, I just tell the child: “Look at your father... . I beg you, just don’t be like him!” Or: “When I see my daughter frowning like her father, I want to kill them both!”

If you look at it this way, anger and despair will appear. But now we're talking about about the child, and not about the woman’s couple relationship. And for a child, both parents are equally significant and equally loved. A woman very often confuses her relationship with her parents. This is unbearable for a child. The woman seems to be telling her baby: “He is a bad partner for me, which means he is a bad father for you.” These are different things. The child should not be included in the specifics of the couple's relationship. Figuratively speaking, the door to his parents' bedroom should remain closed to him forever. But as parents, these two people remain at his complete disposal. Those. a man as a partner and as a father of a child are two different people. The child knows nothing about the father as a partner. And the woman does not know him as a father. Therefore, for a woman he is only a partner, and for a child only a father. A mother who cannot accept the father of her child cannot fully accept the child. That's why she can't love him unconditional love. And in this case, the child loses access to both parents. Now the relationship with my mother will be internally, mentally difficult. The child will either adapt and please the mother, while often getting sick (this is how aggression towards the mother is “burned out”), or the child will actively protest. But neither in the first nor in the second case open love there will be no relationship between mother and child.

By the way, people who do not love themselves, consider themselves ugly, do not accept their individuality, as well as those who are prone to excessive self-judgment and condemnation of everyone and everything, these are those former children, whose mother condemned and rejected their father in them. Now relationships with oneself and life are built according to the principle learned in childhood.

But if a woman still has enough courage and love for her child, so as not to dump the burden of a pair relationship on her child, and to separate the pair relationship from the parent relationship in her soul, then the child will experience enormous mental and physical relief. (Many children stop getting sick after the mental work done by their mother). Then, despite the fact that the parents have separated or do not get along, the child will have enough strength in the future to live and continue life.

Our ancestors knew the following pattern: if a woman knows how to respect her husband, her parents and his parents, then the children in such families do not get sick, and their destinies turn out well.

The practice of working with children, adolescents and adults has shown that the most severe human pain, which has long-term consequences, is the pain of losing parents in one’s soul. By the way, it is this loss that is often the cause of depression.

Therefore, to make the child’s life easier and his full recovery, it is not so much the physical presence of the parents that is important Everyday life child, how much is good and respectful attitude to them in his own soul. As if the parents never left the child, but stand behind his back. They stand like guardian angels. And so from the first to last day life. It is no coincidence that of the ten commandments, only the fifth is accompanied by an explanation and motivation: “Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long and happily on earth.” It is this knowledge that allows humanity to survive, remaining spiritually and physically healthy.

After all, only when the heart is filled with respect and gratitude to your parents, at least for the priceless gift of life, can you boldly move forward.

Rejecting Father: A Story with a Happy Ending

I would like to talk about one case that clearly illustrates what was said above. The mother and grandmother of one seven-year-old boy approached me. The child had a very serious condition: in addition to incredible uncontrollable aggression, hysterics, constant anxiety, problems at school, nightmares, fears, there were also severe headaches and a painful sensation of goose bumps all over the body. This boy's mom and dad divorced a long time ago. The child remembered his father more from photographs. All his adult life he lived with his mother and grandmother. The child was a complete copy of his father. Both in appearance and in character, similarities were increasingly discovered. The only thing the boy heard about his father was that his parent was an incredible monster (his mother and grandmother did not skimp on epithets), and also that, to their great grief, he was very similar to this monster. And now the child was given the task of overcoming the “evil” qualities and becoming a good person. And at the reception, sitting in front of me was an absolutely wonderful child, with big creative abilities, but he talked about life as if he were seventy years old, no less. We all got to work together: mother, grandmother, boy and me. The first thing women did was to decisively change family policy.

The mother began to tell her son about what good qualities his father has. About the good things they had in their relationship. That she likes that her son looks like his father. That he can be absolutely the same as dad. The most important thing is that the son is not responsible for their partnership. And regardless of the fact that they are divorced as a couple, as parents they will remain together for him forever. And a son can love his dad no less than his mother. Some time later, the boy wrote a letter to his dad. The son now had a photograph of his father on his desk, and he began to carry another, small one, with him to school. Then the family appeared additional holidays: dad's birthday; the day dad proposed to mom; when dad won the match. And most importantly, now, when the mother looked at her son, she proudly said: “How similar you are to your father!” When our next meeting took place, my mother shared that she didn’t have to lie at all - ex-husband truly a multifaceted personality. But simply fantastic changes began to happen to my son: first the aggression disappeared, then fears and pain; success at school appeared, the ill-fated goosebumps disappeared, the child became manageable. And he came back to life again. “I can’t believe it, is the father really playing such a role?!”

Yes, each of us is a continuation and result of the merging of two streams of life: the mother’s (and her family) and the father’s (and his family). By agreeing with this in a child, accepting his fate as it is given to him, we give him a chance to grow. That's what it is parental blessing for life.

Mom started putting her daughter to bed at nine in the evening. And until eleven o’clock in the house there was a battle called “time to sleep!” Dad couldn’t stand it: “Leave the child alone, if she gets tired, she’ll fall asleep on her own,” he took his crying daughter in his arms and went to drink tea with her. We drank tea, listened to a fairy tale... When my daughter fell asleep, another stormy scene began: “Again you are undermining my authority!”

Nobody argues: a single approach and a unanimous opinion and a single tactic in education are just excellent. But... sometimes the opposite happens in a family: there are so many people, so many opinions, and everyone defends their own.
Mom sits her daughter down to do her homework after lunch, dad thinks (and allows) her to take a walk outside first. Mom wants her son to go to music school, dad is for sports section.
And then there are grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts and uncles who can easily intervene, they have their own “problems.” So what should the child do? He loves both! everyone! Well, he can't tear himself apart to please everyone.

What to do?
First and foremost. There is no need to discuss the nuances of their upbringing in front of the heirs. A child who witnesses parental disagreements finds himself in a dangerous dilemma: who to obey, who not to obey, and whose demands not to fulfill.
In fact, he has to decide almost Hamlet’s question: to be or not to be. Who to be with? What to be? Trying to do something “as dad said,” he runs the risk of disappointing mom... If he starts trying for mom, what if dad gets angry, what then?!
From such a split, the child becomes lost and experiences emotional discomfort.
And if he has to maneuver between the demands of mom and dad not from time to time, but constantly, he begins to live in a state of anxious anticipation. And as a result - whims, whining, hysterics and other childish harm.
True, the child’s psyche is so plastic that most children (and older children even more so) eventually adapt and choose from all the options for parental requirements and desires those that are most beneficial to them. And - they quickly master the science of manipulation and use it to the fullest.

What can you do to prevent this from happening in your family?

Divide spheres of influence
Decide who is responsible for what.
If, for example, a mother is in charge of baby food, she decides what the child can and cannot eat. Dad wants to have a sports son - he does exercises with him, takes him to the sports section. Myself.
The principle is simple: whichever parent declares is the one who fulfills it; and the other should not interfere.
What if the “applicant” refuses? Don’t argue, don’t quarrel, but simply create a positive incentive - the realization of something pleasant for honestly fulfilled obligations. For example, agree: dad takes the child to the pool, but (!) on Saturdays he can go fishing. And also - appreciate the efforts: do not forget to approve and praise.

Allow each other to think and act differently.
AND differently act
Quarrels, insults, and isolation have a much worse effect on children than minor bends in the “single line of behavior.” Does your baby fall asleep in the crib, but does your dad just fall asleep on his shoulder with a bottle of milk? Dad’s child goes home at the first call, but is he ready to play “catch up” with you? So what if this is a game and not a hysterical whim? Parental position must be firm in those matters that concern mental state, the health of the child, his safety.

Remember about the speck in someone else's eye and the log in your own; It’s sad, but we often don’t notice our own “logs”.
Remind yourself that there is no ultimate truth, and that believing in your absolute rightness is already pride, which, by the way, is named among the 7 deadly sins. Moreover, it is number one on this list.

Create a tradition - hold a Round Table or Family Council
\/ Announce the topic of the Council in advance
\/ Choose a suitable time (It is best if the time becomes traditional, for example, every Friday at the end of each month).
\/ Everyone participates in the council, everyone (even the youngest in the family)
\/ After the topic is announced (a story about the essence of the problem), everyone has the right to speak. No one has the right to criticize!
\/ At the end of the meeting, a decision is made on the stated and discussed topic. Everyone must follow the decision!
\/ At the next Council, summarize - what worked, what didn’t; and make adjustments if necessary.
\/ End the meeting with something very pleasant (those decisions that are associated with good associations are always more pleasant to implement).

Detective stories have become so popular that the term “evil and good cops” has migrated from books and screens to family life. Is it worth following this pattern when raising children?

“My husband and I,” writes one mother, “ different views for education, which is why we often fight. For example, I say to my daughter: “Why haven’t you done your homework yet?”, and he: “Let the child eat in peace.” And so it is in almost everything: what I forbid, he allows. It turns out that for the child I am like an evil policeman, and he is a kind one. She convinced me that parents should be at the same time - it’s useless,” the mother complains.
However, it also happens the other way around. The father becomes the “angry policeman” in the family, and the mother is always ready to console and forgive the child.
In both cases, the result is the same: children will make ropes out of the “good policeman” and shun the “bad” one. And having learned everyone’s weaknesses, he will learn to manipulate. Both.
What to do?
First of all, figure out what provokes the disagreement.
The following reasons are usually given: different life experience, infantilism of one of the spouses, different characters. But how many families are there in the world where such differences do not interfere with finding a common language!
I think the main reason is the tense relationship between spouses. Where does it come from? This little test will help you understand.

How dad becomes a "cop"
It must be said that a husband can become a “policeman” (no matter - kind or angry) at the suggestion of his wife. (However, like a wife - at the suggestion of her husband)

Moms, check yourself! Do you often...
- do you approve of your husband?
- Do you consult with your husband?
- do you correct him (“this is how it should be”, “let me show you”)?
- Do you make comments to him in front of the child?
- interfere when dad plays with the children?
- say “should”, “obliged”, “wrong”
- Do you give advice on how to do it right?
- prone to generalizations when discussing controversial issues? (“you always”, “every time”, “I told you so”)
If you answered “no” to the first and second questions and “yes” to everything else, alas, you are forcing your husband to become a “policeman”. But you yourself - no, not even a policeman, but an investigator or a judge.
Simply put, one of the spouses strives to be an indisputable authority, and the other strives with all his might to prove his parental worth. And therefore, he zealously contradicts, then he lets everything take its course.

A united front is not always good
It would seem good when parents adhere to common views for education. But... just imagine how a child feels, whom both parents reprimand in unison for some offense, both are harsh (etc., etc.)
If this happens often, the child will think that everything is against him! Everyone doesn’t like it!
If one of the parents scolds/punishes (and the other remains neutral), after the scolding received, the son/daughter will be able to turn to the other and he... no, will not approve, and will not cancel the penalties, but (!) will sincerely sympathize - i.e. will join his feelings: “I understand how bad (ashamed, bitter, unpleasant) you are now, but what to do, as it comes back, it will respond.” And with such compassionate understanding it will show that yes, the action is bad, but the child himself is good, and everyone still loves him. And thus they will support the best that is in a person.
It is easier for a sympathetic parent (“the good policeman”) to call the child to be frank, and also help him figure out what the mistake is and how to correct it.

What to do when mom and dad have different views on parenting?
Agree.
We quite easily agree on many issues (what wallpaper to buy for renovation, where to go on vacation), we make concessions somewhere, we look for something - we find a compromise solution. Same here..
1) the first thing you should agree on is not to sort things out in front of the children
2) share duties and responsibilities. And in those situations for which one of the parents has taken responsibility, the other does not interfere and does not impose his opinion
3) when one of the spouses does not act as you think is right, do not make a comment, but write it down so that you can discuss it later;
4) once a week arrange “ round table for peaceful negotiations", share your opinion, discuss various situations,
5) give in to each other, trying to find a compromise
6) support and approve. Everyone has the right to their own opinion, you can disagree with it, but respect it.
And everything will be fine.

© Nina Nekrasova

One of the signs of our time has long been feminization, i.e. the predominance of women in all areas that actively shape personality. The consequence was that a woman can now do a lot. Except for one thing - to be a man.

It has become fashionable to scold today's men. They are brought up in an atmosphere of loss of paternal authority; their infantilism leads to the fact that children grow up practically without a father. The lack of participation of the father in upbringing is a big problem of our time, because mothers are unable to take on the fatherly role.

Important!

The son can only identify himself with a man. Therefore, a boy needs contact with a man - at different times. age periods, or better yet, constantly.

For a child to feel the closeness of his father (or another close man) is a feeling of strength, which, while protecting, gives a feeling of invulnerability. If the mother is the source of life, then the father is the source of strength, the first elder friend. For a long time, children cannot distinguish between physical and mental strength, but they sense the latter very well and are drawn to it.

In turn, dad often needs Extra time to accept a new person in your life, to understand your new role. Fatherly love intensifies with continuous communication with the child, constant and close contacts. Psychologists have found that those children with whom parents, especially the father, could not contact in the first year of life, forever remain less loved than those with whom contact was close and prolonged. He may love the child with his mind, but he will not make room for him in his heart.

Fathers who have developed strong emotional bonds with their children infancy, in the future they turn out to be more sensitive to the changing needs and interests of their growing children, and have a greater influence on them.

There are two opposing points of view on the question of whether fathers spend enough time with their children. Meanwhile, the latest research shows: in last years fathers began to devote more time to their children than previous generation dad. Among Russian men there are also many fathers who happily rock, swaddle and wash their babies.

However, according to the same statistics, almost half married women We are sure that the child does not communicate enough with his father. Interestingly, men also admit this.

Important!

Modern medicine has proven that the so-called “imprinting” - a close connection with the child - is formed precisely in the first hours and minutes. This is why it is so important for the future father to accept Active participation at the birth of your child.

In Russia it still dominates patriarchal type families where dad is first of all a breadwinner, and only then a teacher. Apparently for this reason it is not typical for our culture external manifestation love and tenderness of a father for a child, especially for his son. IN old times fathers perceived their children as socially adapted beings and believed that the time for their active participation in the lives of their children came only when they became teenagers.

This attitude of detachment often became a source of misunderstanding, mistrust, and conflicts between father and children - right up to adolescence and youth.

This parenting style was adopted when today's young fathers were growing up. But over the years of their growing up, the attitude towards roles in a couple has changed a lot, and now dad is doing his best to adapt to new living conditions.

What is a father for?

Protection. Man to child, starting from early childhood and almost to adolescence, needed for the formation normal feeling protection from anything that poses a threat. Many children from those who did not have a close man, in teenage years overgrown with sharp thorns of an exaggerated tendency to self-defense without the need for it.

Gender identification. At normal conditions the father significantly influences the child's gender identification. For my son already in early age he is a kind of example, a model to follow. The boy begins to feel like a man and behave like a man, thanks to the ability to imitate and take example from those men with whom he feels friendly. Therefore, if the father is always impatient and irritable, if he is passive towards to your own child, the boy will pull closer to his mother and perceive her manners and interests.

The father's influence on a girl's gender identification is most significant during adolescence. At the age of 13-15, she should receive recognition of her importance as a future woman- mostly from my father. The father contributes to the formation of a positive self-esteem in his daughter, expressing approval of her actions, abilities, and appearance. In addition, a girl usually wants to see in her chosen ones the same qualities that she liked in her father.

Social adaptation. The father's role in education is also to encourage social activity. The father pave the way for the child to human society. It is a source of knowledge about the world, work, technology, and contributes to the formation of socially useful goals and ideals, and professional guidance.

Stimulus. We have already said that fatherly love is formed in the process of raising and growing up a child. E. Fromm developed this idea. He claims that a father's love serves as a reward for success and good behavior. In this understanding, the father is the bearer of demands, discipline and sanctions.

Setting up for the future. Speaking about the role of the father in the process of raising sons, it is important to mention the fact that insufficient experience communication with the father weakens the formation of paternal feelings in boys and young men. After all, in order to become a man, it is not enough to be born a man - you also need a role model. For this reason, during the period of its development, a child must see how a man and a woman interact with each other.

The father must remember that with age the need for maternal care weakens. And if he managed to establish a connection with his child on early stage its development, then in adolescence paternal authority (not to be confused with a belt) will help cope with the “zigzags” of this period. If the father does not take an active part in raising the child from the very first day, an extremely unpleasant situation may arise when the grown child refuses to communicate with his father because he did not receive enough of his attention in childhood.

Important!

Psychologists believe that even if a father devotes only 30 minutes to his offspring every day, the child will feel more secure, self-confident and happy.

Our society, especially Russian fathers, is characterized by excessive severity towards the child. In such a situation, by the age of 4-5, the child develops an idea of ​​the father as a person who, unlike the mother, expects “wrong”, “bad” behavior from the child, and evaluates him low.

The child becomes unsure of himself and expects negative assessments of his abilities and skills from others.

Although the presence and love of a father is important for a child of any age, it is certainly important to be able to behave correctly not only with a baby, but also with a teenager.

From zero to five: seeing and hearing. During infancy, the most important thing for a baby is to see and feel not only his mother, but also his father. Studies have shown that babies whose fathers took an active part in their upbringing cry less often, are not afraid of strangers, and are calmer. Therefore, at this stage, what is required of the father is the same as, in fact, of the mother - to take the child in his arms more often, to stroke him, to talk to him. AND prerequisite The father must be in a good mood when communicating with the baby!

From five to nine: let's do without criticism! At this time, dad can easily play with his child in active games. According to research, fathers give their children more space during play than mothers. Representatives of the stronger sex allow children to experiment while getting to know the world around them. Another honorable function that can be assigned to a husband is doing homework. Dad is quite capable of checking whether his son solved a math problem correctly. You should double your attention to your preschool-age son. During this period, gender identification occurs - a complex process when a girl “reads” and “absorbs” the behavior of her mother, and a boy - his father.

From nine to fifteen: let's become friends! During this period, the role of the father increases even more. It is dad who often becomes an expert on school problems. It is he who teaches his son how to behave with his peers. It is he who tells the boy about those physiological changes who are waiting for him. True, sometimes a teenager sees his father as a competitor and tries to prove his position to him and everyone around him. Therefore, the most optimal thing during this period is to adhere to a policy of friendly neutrality. Father's relationship with teenage daughter - in general separate topic. When a young lady turns fifteen and starts wearing lipstick, short skirts and dating boys, many fathers are at a loss. And, unable to cope with their awkwardness, they distance themselves from their grown-up daughter with feigned severity or cynical mockery. IN best case scenario the girl, sensing her dad’s embarrassment, will begin to “pump” money from him. At worst, he will be mortally offended by his father for his indifference. During this period, you need to become friends with your daughter. And remember that for a daughter, her father’s opinion is always very important!

A man, by virtue of his position as an elder (both in relation to the child and in the family as a whole), is obliged to look more often in the psychological and moral mirror: will the children be able to respect him? What will they take from him? Would his son want to be like him?

Resources for Dads

Virtual father communities are becoming more common. Here are some of the many online resources for dads:

And in the USA and Europe, not only virtual, but also very real father’s groups exist and are actively working.