Relationships with son-in-law: advice from a psychologist. Family quarrels: how to improve relationships with your mother-in-law

Mother-in-law and son-in-law - do these very concepts already imply constant confrontation, enmity, struggle for influence over the one who is a wife for one, and a daughter for the other? But still, let the jokes multiply and horror stories about divorces solely due to the fault of the mother-in-law, however, there are families in which peace and harmony reign, mutual respect and mutual assistance. And the mother-in-law may well not be enemy number one, but a real second mother - attentive, understanding and caring.

Moreover, you don’t need to think that this happens solely by chance. magic wand or someone pulls out a lucky ticket in the form of an ideal mother-in-law or son-in-law. No, it's an illusion. Much more reliable is the most common way of forming relationships, based on respect for other people’s principles, on understanding and participation, on kindness and the ability to give independence to each other in a timely manner, without lecturing or reproaching.

But still, there are many problems in the relationship between mother-in-law and son-in-law, and it is important that both parties have the desire to truly understand them, not looking for those to blame, but, on the contrary, trying to find common ground, a basis for respectful attitude to each other.

Women by nature are much more impulsive and emotional - they live with feelings, and very different ones. And it rarely happens that a son-in-law is more aggressive than a mother-in-law - according to statistics, mothers-in-law initiate conflicts approximately five to six times more often than sons-in-law. Actually, there are few situations where a daughter’s husband is more aggressive than her mother - if he drinks or if the son-in-law has a pathologically evil, quarrelsome and hot-tempered nature. But the son-in-law also becomes aggressive in cases where initially the mother-in-law is openly hostile towards him, or she puts excessive pressure on her daughter and turns her against her husband.

In other cases, the son-in-law usually behaves more restrained than the mother-in-law, showing greater tolerance to her attacks and even to some interference in their life. And, as psychologists say, in this restraint he is stronger than she is in her irrepressible aggression, his position is more advantageous and more reasonable. It turns out that, having learned to control herself, the mother-in-law thereby reduces the number possible conflicts, already by the fact that it does not provoke them.

It is clear that this is generally not easy for a woman, and for a mother-in-law who is dissatisfied with her son-in-law, it is even more difficult. After all, the essence of her relationship comes down to two options - she likes him or not. When you like it, it’s clear: the mother-in-law, having fallen in love with her son-in-law, begins to treat him as to your own child. But even on this path, a lot of difficulties can arise, because the son-in-law grew up in a different family, with different principles, views and habits. He is already an established person and does not want to be re-educated.

And if you don’t like your son-in-law, there are even more difficulties, because it’s very difficult to hide hostility. Moreover, if a daughter looks at her husband with adoration, the hostility is also mixed with resentment because my own mother“traded” to someone unknown, that the daughter does not know how to understand people, and chose a clearly unsuitable life partner, and so on.

But no matter how the relationship develops, mother-in-law and son-in-law are united by one person - a daughter for one and a wife for the other. In essence, there is a struggle for influence over it. The son-in-law does not want his mother-in-law to interfere in their life, he opposes her desire to direct all their actions and manipulate her daughter. And the mother-in-law, if she doesn’t like her daughter’s choice, doesn’t like her son-in-law’s behavior, his attitude and, in general, his role in the family. In this case, mutual hostility will grow day by day, and when the cup of patience is full, aggression will move from a hidden form to an obvious, open one.

Of course, any mother does not remain indifferent to how her child lives, even if he is already an adult with a husband and his own family. Interested in every little thing, every step. And with age, this interest only increases, because the number of one’s own worries is reduced, since life has long been established and goes on as usual. The activity of a mother-in-law may increase with her retirement in the case when life is uneventful, there are no interests, hobbies, hobbies, or social circle. Then she simply focuses on the young family, considering it her duty to participate in all its affairs.

What can you advise in this case? If you really want happiness for a young family and your daughter, do not dictate every step, referring to your life experience, do not control, do not patronize your daughter and son-in-law. You must understand that your advice is just advice, and not an indispensable guide to action.

You should be glad that your opinion is interested in and that you are listened to. But any decision should not be made by you! Even if, in your opinion, it is erroneous, children even in childhood have the right to make mistakes, not to mention adults. And life experience is not theoretically transferable - in most cases you need to experience a lot on your own in order to learn something.

Your specific help, for example with housework, may turn out to be not only unnecessary, but also harmful, so do not impose it. If children come to you with a request, listen to them carefully and understand what exactly they need: babysitting, a certain amount of money, help around the house, etc. And fulfill this specific request, if you have such an opportunity.

And yet, even if you were never able to love your son-in-law, you love your daughter. So try to spare her feelings and do not humiliate her chosen life partner, do not emphasize his mistakes and blunders, do not elevate his shortcomings. Who knows how their lives will turn out. And perhaps you are the one who is wrong, but your daughter made the right choice.

Very often, the happiness of a young family depends on the wisdom and delicacy of the mother-in-law. It’s not easy to be a mother-in-law, let alone a good mother-in-law, but try your best for the sake of your child’s happiness!

Two people lived peacefully in the world: adults, mature in their own worldviews, educated and possessing the ability to build good relationships with the people around them. However, it is not at all clear where good manners and the art of getting along with people disappear when fate brings them into a single track: he becomes a son-in-law, and she becomes a mother-in-law. We know a lot of jokes and sayings about mother-in-law/son-in-law relationships, and it’s a pity that the registry office does not ask the question when concluding a marriage: are you ready to be a son-in-law from now on?

New family member

It was precisely because of prejudices and anecdotes that the son-in-law, entering new family, almost initially perceives his wife’s mother as an additional burden. Even if the wife’s mother lives in another country, city, region, he still looks at the mother-in-law as a source of problems, troubles, an igniter of conflicts and resentments.

In addition, the mother-in-law just as diligently begins to perceive her son-in-law as a big, insoluble problem. The wife's mother's sensitivity is often burdened by her own unpleasant life experience, when it would be better to calm her down, but the young spouse has not yet learned to be flexible or simply does not want to. Most young spouses are inclined to conclude: let the whole world bend under me. This is where conflict comes from.

In the old days, it was easier to avoid frequent clashes between son-in-law and mother-in-law: the young spouse after wedding ceremony took his new wife to his parents’ home. Now life dictates the rules, not foundations: young people begin where living space allows.

Behavior of a new mother-in-law

Since it so happened that the newlyweds began to live in the house of their wife’s parents, then try to come to a compromise so that the relationship with the mother-in-law does not take the form of an anecdote. We advise mothers to take care of the newlyweds’ personal space. Give the couple a separate room, albeit not large, but not a walk-through room.

Advise your daughter to arrange his personal corner for her husband: set aside a place for his computer, disks, books, separate shelves in the wardrobe, in general, provide everything that an adult needs to live in your home.

Dear mother of your beloved daughter, take mandatory rule, before entering their family “hearth,” knock on the door. Even if they live in your house, they are individuals, and the risk of finding themselves in an awkward position is high. You are young and perky too, you once were. Come to their territory in their presence, as a guest. Recognize newlyweds as good neighbors, and not as people dependent on your location. In this way, it is possible not only to avoid conflicts, but also to gain trust.

Root causes of conflicts

First reason The conflict of the mother-in-law/son-in-law is hidden in the infantility of the daughter. Often a young wife is not able to solve situations and problems without her mother’s advice, then the husband has a question: who exactly is he married to - the young lady or her mother. Accordingly, his dissatisfaction with his wife is projected onto his mother-in-law, or vice versa.

The second reason the quarrel may lie in his personal problems with his own mother. In this version, children's grievances are unconsciously transferred to the wife's mother. The mother-in-law can be a wonderful person, but she still has to pay for the mistakes of others: her habits and voice, and even obsessive care, can all irritate the son-in-law.

Third reason conflicts may be based on the character of a power-hungry mother-in-law, where there is a predisposition to keep everything under control, not only her family, but also her daughter’s. The second mother calms down only when everyone begins to dance to her tune, including her son-in-law.

Fourth the conflict background may be hidden in the usual disrespect for the person whom her beloved daughter chose - they say, this was not the kind of husband and son-in-law she dreamed of. In this version, the mother is ready to throw all her might into fighting and confronting the unwanted person, starting from the wedding day.

Fifth reason quarrels are the projection of personal unhappy experiences. Any step taken by the son-in-law is compared to the behavioral trait of a worthless spouse. In this case, there will be no way to please your mother-in-law.

Sixth root cause conflicts are aggravated by the mother-in-law’s son. From personal to to my own son or her attitude towards her son-in-law depends on her negative disposition towards him. If a mother dotes on her son, then no matter what, she won’t be able to please her mother-in-law.

Conflict increases if the wife’s mother cherishes a great adviser, and not only regarding her daughter, but also for her son-in-law. A woman must understand that the young individual has just escaped from the family ring of his parents, and has no intention of listening to the list of advice. He didn’t often consult with his own mother about what to say about his mother-in-law.

1. Remember, have respect for your grown-up daughter, even if you don’t like your son-in-law. Your daughter has made a choice, agree with it, don’t turn her against your own young spouse. If there is a request, help, if there is no request, do not meddle in their affairs.

2. Women are more impulsive than men. Regarding statistics, it is mothers-in-law who are usually to blame for conflicts, since they attack a new family member several times more often. Resist the urge to comment and lecture.

3. Often the families of young spouses are completely different: family structures and priorities differ. Try not to discuss or criticize his family, especially in front of him.

4. You cannot force your son-in-law to love you, but you can improve the relationship. Never in your life belittle him as a man, even sometimes take his side in their disagreements.

5. In order not to become too immersed in the family life of the newlyweds, do not abandon your own hobbies that you were busy with before your daughter’s marriage.

6. The main thing is to learn to admit your own mistakes, wrongness, or at least take into account the view of another person. For the sake of your daughter's happiness, it is worth making some compromises.

1. Don’t pre-arrange your opinion folklore. Understanding between people is laid from the first minutes of meeting, try not to miss this moment, do not retain a negative impression of yourself from the first meeting.

2. Look at your spouse's mother as if she magical fairy, who presented you with a lovely gift - your beloved woman. It was she who raised and raised your beloved.

3. Do not forget that disagreements often arise due to different views on life, regarding age, experience, upbringing, and not at all for the reason that your mother-in-law hates you.

4. Treat your wife’s mother with respect, well, just like your own mother, you will see that your mother-in-law will respond to you with the same respect.

5. Try never to criticize your mother-in-law’s actions in front of strangers, especially in front of her relatives, your parents and wife.

6. Before you take offense at your wife’s mother for a long time, remember the cause of the conflict; maybe this trifle is not worth it in order to spoil your relationship.

The individuals being discussed are completely different and completely strangers. The only one reuniting is the woman to whom the young man is married and who was raised by her mother. By provoking disagreements, they are able to forget about her experiences. Often the position of the young spouse represents a buffer that attempts to reconcile both parties. In such situations, the young wife is forced to pay not for her own mistakes, but for the character of both relatives and loved ones.

The relationship between son-in-law and mother-in-law has long become not only the object of many jokes and sayings, but also common cause divorce married couples. It seemed that it might be easier than to find mutual language albeit not with a loved one, at least out of love for his daughter or wife. It's sad, but this happens often. What is it – possessiveness, the desire to protect a loved one, or jealousy?

Because of what, in family triangle is there a conflict? It often happens that the instigator of the disagreement is the spouse herself, who speaks negatively to the mother about her spouse, or vice versa to the spouse about the mother.

Another problem is the mother’s reluctance to perceive her daughter as adult personality who has become independent and has the right to self-determination and her own family life with her husband.

Most often, this happens when, before her daughter’s marriage, her mother always revolved around her, was the center of all her events and actions.

On the part of the son-in-law, the conflict can be provoked by disrespect for his wife’s mother, a desire to convince or even change his wife or mother-in-law.

Disagreements between mother-in-law and son-in-law arise because the husband is trying to protect his wife from the excessive influence of the mother. At such moments, it seems to him that he is the third wheel in this family, when everyone is important family decisions are accepted without his participation.

Advice from psychologists for all three sides. How to improve relationships in a family triangle:

Advice for mother-in-law:

In the presence of your daughter, never criticize your son-in-law, and also never tell him about what suitors your daughter had before you.

Try to make your daughter's life more independent. Listen to her decisions, let her make mistakes, despite this he will learn from his mistakes. Try to believe in her abilities to become an adult.

Advice for son-in-law:

In the presence of your daughter, never criticize your mother-in-law. If you have something to say, find a time and place to say it. Remember, no matter what kind of mother-in-law you have, she is the mother of your wife!

Never interfere in the family affairs of your mother-in-law and wife, especially if no one asked you to do so.

Tips for the wife:

1. There is no need to force your husband to call your mother-in-law mom!

Try to keep their relationship polite. If you live with your mother, immediately divide all household responsibilities between you.

1. During a conflict, do not try to reconcile them!

You should not get involved in a conflict between your son-in-law and mother-in-law - this will only aggravate the situation, even if you have good intentions. Distance is effective method to control your emotions.

1. Tell your husband less about your mother and vice versa.

Any negative story about your loved ones will spur them to come to your defense, and a positive story will induce resentment and jealousy in them. Everything should be in moderation.

1. Never threaten: “I’ll tell my husband everything!” or “I’m going to my mother!”

With such statements you will “add fuel to the fire.” You now have your own family, but your mother remains a mother. Respect her demands and desires, but at the same time do not forget about yours, and even more so about your family priorities. Of course, if you don't want to raise your child with your mother.

A young family can be considered as an independent unit, or it can be presented as an echo, a chip, a cross-section of the family family tree. The two, having united, united in themselves two bushes family influences, traditions and rules.

Two groups of people who never knew each other suddenly suddenly became relatives and are sometimes forced to live even under the same roof. A whole tangle of new connections formed forces the young to reckon with this circumstance. But if you always look back at those and other parents, then you won’t have time to live yourself. It is difficult to find a middle ground in relationships here, so both suffer, upset about the emerging misunderstanding of families.

It is impossible to teach children the kindness of family relationships if the adult members themselves do not set an example in this.

Aren't there a lot of scandals that come from the fact that a wife's mother, i.e., mother-in-law, doesn't love her son-in-law, but if you think that he is the father of her beloved grandchildren, what can be considered? The son-in-law is also a complex figure, not fictional in the family theater. He plays his role, leads his solo. And she suffers no less than the mother-in-law, dividing the love of her loved one as if into two at first, and then into three, and then into four. What does he, poor man, get - horns and legs, and he was counting on the family monopoly in matters of love, at least. But it turned out that he sometimes remains in charge only in matters of support. But this mission of the eternal hard worker does not suit him.

In the “mother-in-law-son-in-law” family tandem, it is best to strictly adhere to the rules of such a game. Everyone, having taken on a role, plays it within the prescribed rules - respect, culture of communication, mutual politeness, and decency. I would like it that way.

Probably, all this will be calmly observed someday... by robots, but by normal living people, be it a mother-in-law or a son-in-law, they worry, and overreact emotionally, and get offended. Do you think it's because they don't know how to behave? They know. This is because the person who accidentally brought them together is dear to both of them. And it’s not the mother-in-law and son-in-law’s fault that they are forced to run in the same harness until one of them falls. More often than not it happens to be the mother-in-law...

You can imagine another possible life option for this duet - friendship or love. This can happen when the son-in-law is more interested in communicating with his mother-in-law than with his own wife, when the mother-in-law is rich, when the mother-in-law cooks better than the wife...

Do you think young people will like it? No! And he will be jealous, and he will become offended. In general, there are situations from which there is no way out. All that remains is to reconcile. Enter an era of peaceful coexistence. Mother-in-law and son-in-law - relatives or neighbors? Mother-in-law and son-in-law - friends or enemies? Who will answer these eternal questions? The life of a young family, to which both made their contribution.

American sociologists conducted a special experiment. At the big stadium during the match, they announced that a beautiful new car from a luxury company would belong to the one who had a photograph of his mother-in-law in his pocket... Many men watched with regret as the luxurious limousine left the stadium without waiting for the lucky one.

There are so many songs and jokes about mother-in-law and son-in-law. Volumes can be written about their disagreement, but the main thing cannot be resolved - why should a son-in-law love his mother-in-law? And why should a mother-in-law love her son-in-law?

Interdependence - that’s what I would call this life tandem. They really most often depend on each other, because in the middle there is a dear being for both of them.

It’s a rare mother who will say to her grown daughter, letting her go: “You were a good daughter, now be a good wife!”

More often, property relations, the assertion of one’s rights and powers over the daughter are fought young husband his injustice, and he forever ceases to respect his mother-in-law. He also, in turn, makes the mistake of considering his wife now his property and causing his mother-in-law to become bitter.

In fact, every human life, be it the life of a child, wife, husband, mother, belongs only to the bearer of this life, that is, to the person himself and no one else.

Mother-in-law and son-in-law, like two bears in one den, rarely get along with each other. They can silently coexist with their teeth between their teeth, they can quietly hate, less often just respect, and very rarely sincerely love each other. Well, such is life, and you need to come to this analytically and decide how to maintain peace in the family and in yourself, so that you are not torn apart by inferiority complexes and are not tormented by resentment.

If I simply say that we must give in to each other, no one will want to follow it - the losses are too great. If I say that young people should respect their elders, I will be accused of having a backward outlook on life. Therefore, the eternal compromise is a mother-in-law and a son-in-law in the same house. Why be surprised - these are, in principle, strangers who are forced to become relatives, how much tact, intelligence, goodwill is needed for them to become relatives, well, at least, if not loved, then tolerant. Or so?

Newspaper editoring. Cramped, smoky room. A tired female editor sits at a table littered with papers. In front of her is a glass of hot tea and a bun. She takes a sip from her glass without looking up from the papers on the table. Suddenly the door swings open with a noise and a man of unknown age, very nervous, and emotionally excited, appears on the threshold.

Visitor. I'll tell you now what kind of women there are. You see, there are two of them - I am one. They didn't just defeat me. They destroyed me. I'm not here. There are only them. They are everywhere. And in a three-room apartment. And the dacha has two floors. And in the car. And I? I am only the fulfiller of their desires. I'm a slave! I'm a black man! I'm a laborer! Although I'm a pretty decent person. Head of department, people respect me at work. And the whole house rests on me, and the car, and gasoline. Well, that’s it, that’s it, you understand?! (and he nervously shifts from place to place).

Editor. What do you want from our newspaper?

Visitor. I came for advice, what should I do?

Editor. Tolerate!

Visitor. I've been patient for twenty years. No forces. My mother-in-law, God bless her, is energetic, cheerful, and everything is fine with her blood pressure. She is only 87 years old! Do you understand?

Editor. Why don't you talk about your wife?

Visitor. Wife? Well, what kind of wife is she to me if she doesn’t leave her mother’s room all evenings? He doesn't talk to me about anything. And in general, you know, I decided to get a divorce. Just think, you can have lunch in the dining room.

His determination was unshakable; no advice about patience and goodwill suited him. He drank his cup to the bottom, and if he had not decided to get a divorce, he would have been the first contender for a monument for courage in marriage.

There are many such candidates. Yes, and they can be understood. The role of a son-in-law is difficult today - mothers-in-law have become independent, young, like this one, for example.

The son-in-law says: “He’ll come, scold everyone, then slam the door and go to his own separate apartment, and I’m left to console my inconsolable wife. And how to console? I have no right to say something bad about her mother, but when my wife herself starts saying something bad about her, I seem to have to agree. If I start to assent, my wife looks reproachfully, and if I remain delicately silent, she attacks me, saying that I am an indifferent blockhead.

I find myself between two fires. Mother-in-law and wife - this is a mystery of nature! Either they coo, you can’t spill water on them, then they grab each other in a death grip, and I’m always in the middle, like a switchman, I have to separate their paths so that they don’t cross. And I'm getting divorced. And I am guilty both here and there. The switchman is always to blame.

I dream of going somewhere to the North, settling there beyond the Arctic Circle - my mother-in-law definitely won’t make it there. But who knows. She is like that! Her grandchildren worry her, so she flies to them without warning. Just relax a little after all the endless activities, smoke a cigarette, undress and lie down on the sofa with the newspaper “What’s in Greece”, when you hear a bell ringing, such a nervous, rattling sound. So only she calls - the mother-in-law! She showed up without getting dusty! Hello!

-Are you lying on the sofa again? And so it began. Noise, chaos, rearrangement of furniture, revision of things in the wardrobe, inspection of the refrigerator. Everything checks how we live.

Well, if she loves our children so much, let her take her with her, at least for a week. We will rest without them. No! She has no time. He will fly in, cuddle everyone, fry some potatoes and fly back to his place.

To be fair, I must say that she fries potatoes perfectly. My wife can't learn. And she cooks excellent borscht; in general, her culinary skills are fine. She should have worked in the cafeteria. But even for borscht and meat, I will never love my mother-in-law. It’s better to experience difficulties than to see them. Moreover, Pushkin told his Natalie that “family is you and me and our children.” There shouldn't be anyone else. Everyone else in the family is superfluous. And Pushkin is a great authority for me!”

This is an excerpt from a letter to a newspaper from a young husband and son-in-law. And how I want to help him with something and convince him that life is so short that there is no point in turning it into irritation, into... Each of us, in one way or another, plays a role in the play, and the roles change so quickly that we do not have time to master one, when suddenly and unpredictably another one falls, no less, or even more complex... ...

L.M.Ivanova

The relationship between mother-in-law and son-in-law has long been a proverb, has become the subject of many jokes, and can even become a reason for divorce. It seems that it could be simpler, two people, although not related, can find a common language, at least out of love for their to a loved one- daughter and wife. But this doesn't always happen.
What is this - jealousy, possessiveness, a desire to protect a loved one? Why does conflict arise in a family triangle? Often, the spouse herself unconsciously becomes the provocateur of disagreements, criticizing her husband’s mother, or her husband’s mother.
Another reason for the conflict is the mother’s reluctance to understand that her beloved daughter has already grown up and become an independent person who have the right to live their own lives and decide together with their husband how to build their family life. This often happens if the mother’s life until her daughter’s marriage revolved around her; she was the meaning of her life, the center of all her thoughts and actions.
What can provoke a conflict on the part of a son-in-law is disrespect for his wife’s mother, a search for shortcomings in herself or her mother, a desire to change her beloved or mother-in-law. There may also be a desire to protect the wife from the excessive influence of the mother, or a feeling of being a third wheel when everything important decisions family life are accepted without the participation of the husband.
How to improve relationships in a family triangle?
So, tips for all three parties:
Advice for mother-in-law
Do not criticize your son-in-law in the presence of your daughter and never remember what good suitors she had. Try to transfer independence for her life into the hands of your daughter. Trust her decisions, let her make mistakes, learn from her experience. Believe in her ability to be an adult.
Advice for son-in-law
Do not criticize your mother-in-law in the presence of your daughter (or without it) - no matter what she is, she is still her mother! Do not interfere in the relationship between your wife and mother-in-law, especially if you were not asked to do so.
Tips for your wife
1. Don’t force your husband to call your mother-in-law mom! Form an emphatically polite attitude in both, immediately share household responsibilities with your mother if you live together.
2. If a conflict occurs, do not immediately try to forcefully reconcile them! You will only push their foreheads together more. After sweet reconciliation, even greater conflict and scandal are possible. Distance - effective remedy to restrain emotions, hurtful words and stupid actions, and therefore open hostility.
3. Tell your husband and mother as little as possible about each other. A negative story will encourage both of them to come to your defense. Story about positive sides will cause jealousy and resentment.
4. Don’t make excuses to your mom! This also applies to the spouse, but the mother is a special case. She was not always a mother-in-law - irritable and harmful, first of all, this is your mother. It is the latter status that often gives rise to a negative attitude towards the son-in-law. Especially if mother and daughter were very close before the appearance of a third party.
In this case, the mother will be openly jealous and suffer from lack of attention. But the daughter simply cannot be bad, she has changed and began to pay less attention to her beloved mother, not because she has matured and started her own family, but because her son-in-law is enemy No. 1.
In this situation, the offended mother-in-law can be reassured by the father, who is also the father-in-law, who is also a partner in preference, drinking cognac and other useful male activities. The situation is seriously aggravated if the father-in-law various reasons No.
5. “I’m for you!” In any conflict, remain detached and cool when both sources are in your field of vision: your beloved husband and mother. You will minimize the danger if you ask both of them not to involve you in conflicts, and especially not to use your words as an example. Think, maybe you yourself provoke the development of conflicts?
6. Never threaten: “I’m going to my mom’s!” or “I’ll tell my husband!” This will only fuel the conflict. You created your own family, but your mother remained a mother. Respect her wants and needs. But at the same time, try not to forget about your desires, and even more so, about the priorities of your family. Unless, of course, your plans include having a child and raising him together with your mother, but without a “source of conflict.”
Don't let the problem into the family. So you argue, talk, discuss, and all this instead of enjoying your family. You need to build your own world and not repeat the mistakes of the older generation.