Is it possible to be a husband's friend? What should be the relationship between husband and wife?

There are probably no ideal family relationships.

And the relationship between spouses develops, first of all, based on the family they grew up in, practically repeating in their own family the model of behavior that was inherent in the family of their parents.

Of no small importance in family life are the social status of both spouses, the family income or the income of each spouse, as well as the interest of the husband and wife in maintaining a long-term relationship and maintaining a long family life.

Today we will discuss what the relationship between husband and wife should be like, how to achieve a strong family home, and as a result, happiness in family life.

What is she like, an ideal married couple?!

An absolute idyll in relationships, a complete absence of conflicts, both in everyday life and in financial matters, and in matters of raising children and relationships with parents.

The husband is the breadwinner in the family, earns enough to support the whole family, the wife is smart and beautiful, always a great looking housewife, the children are excellent students at school, always clean and tidy, polite and helpful...

Well, just a perfect married couple.

For some reason, this description of an ideal family looks more like a picture in a glossy magazine. And it’s not at all compatible with real life.

I repeat once again - there are no ideal families.

In every family, sooner or later, various kinds of conflicts arise. And it doesn’t matter how many years you have lived together, even one year, even ten or twenty years, but even after forty years of marriage, conflicts and misunderstandings may arise between the spouses.

Conflicts can arise for any reason, and because of accumulated family money spent on other purposes, and because of unwashed dishes, and because of raising children, and even because the wife’s parents “meddled” in the affairs of the young woman. families.

Even if you quarrel with each other, this does not mean at all that you are a bad family and not an ideal couple. By the way, sometimes swearing is very useful.

The basis of a healthy relationship between husband and wife

There are simply no uniform rules or criteria for the correct relationship between spouses.

Each family develops its own approaches and rules of relationships, depending on many external factors. Such as the religiosity of the family, the foundations of the family that were inherent in the parents of the spouses, living conditions, the financial security of the family, and even the region in which the spouses live. All this, to one degree or another, affects the developing relationship between husband and wife.

However, by analyzing the relationship between parents, the relationship between spouses - neighbors or friends, it is quite possible to determine what the relationship between husband and wife is like, as well as what it should be ideally for each family.

Let's try to formulate a few rules for the most acceptable, and best for any family, relationships that every married couple who plans to live many happy years should strive for.

Basic Rules for the most optimal relationship between husband and wife

Perhaps there are few such rules, but following them, or at least trying to follow them, will save your family until a ripe old age.

1. Respectful relationship between husband and wife

Try to respect and take into account the opinion of your significant other, regardless of what topic it concerns. Each person may have his own opinion on a particular circumstance or situation.

And even if you get terribly angry, trying to defend your opinion and your rightness, respect your spouse. Don’t yell, and especially don’t insult your spouse. Offensive and derogatory words and actions cannot in any way be considered respectful.

2. Gratitude and attention at any age

It doesn't matter how old you are or how long you've been married.

Thank your spouse for any action he has done for the family and for the benefit of the family. Even if your husband washed the dishes, thank him for it! And rest assured, next time he will do it with great pleasure. Especially if you constantly and sincerely thank him for it.

Say thank you to your wife every time she gives you an ironed shirt. Yes, ironing your things is her marital duty. But why not say “Thank you!” for this? There is nothing complicated about saying thanks. And the more you thank your husband or wife for seemingly ordinary things, the more sympathy and positive feelings you will feel in return.

At first glance, saying “thank you” is such a small thing. But it’s the little things that create strong families and long-lasting family relationships.

3. Concessions, concessions and more concessions

Sometimes, when we give in on small things, we win on big issues. Well, why not give in to your wife today and choose the way to spend the evening exactly the way your wife wants to spend it? But the next time you want to go to football, she will take this desire much more calmly, or even decide to go with you.

Concessions in family relationships are not a sign of weakness. A person who is inferior to his soul mate does not look weak, but stronger and nobler.

And yes, concessions must be mutual, otherwise such relationships in the family can be called a “one-goal game.”

4. Show attention

While you were a young married couple, or still at the “candy-bouquet period” stage, you were not shy about showing your feelings. They were not shy about kisses and hugs, they were not shy about walking and sitting in an embrace. So why, some time after starting a family, did you begin to show each other signs of attention less often?

Any intimacy, even simple touches, stroking, or light kisses, is very important for family relationships. And the more the spouses have such closeness, such signs of attention, the stronger and more reliable the marriage becomes.

Over the years, simple touches become much more important for spouses than intimacy. If you weren't used to being affectionate when you were younger, it will be more difficult to maintain a good relationship and close contact with your spouse as you age.

5. Respectful attitude towards other family members

As they say, you don’t choose your parents. And no matter how much you like the parents of your significant other, you need to take them into account and, at a minimum, treat them with respect.

Who, if not your parents, will help your family in difficult times? Who else but parents will help in raising children? Of course, there are exceptions in the relationship between a young married couple and the older generation - there are conflicts, misunderstandings, or rejection.

But no matter what, your spouse's parents must be respected and treated with respect. Especially if your spouse loves and respects them very much. On our website you will find a lot of useful advice on raising children, relationships in a young family, advice on what to do if you doubt your future chosen one, as well as a lot of useful information on everyday issues and managing a family budget.

6. Don’t spill family secrets.

Not all people you encounter in life wish you well. Unfortunately, evil people and gossips can be found at almost every step.

Even the girlfriend you grew up with can turn out to be an evil gossip, jealous of your happiness or the success of your spouse. Or the friend you spent your teenage years with may turn out to be a competitor vying for your place at work.

You should not let strangers into your family secrets, no matter how friendly they may seem to you. Otherwise, the information received from you may be disseminated in such an inverted and distorted form that it can ruin relationships with other people, harm your career, or even lead to illness.

Unfortunately, there are quite a lot of cases when families were unable to realize the plans they told their friends about.

If you want everything to work out for you, and do not want to become an object of gossip or ridicule, do not tell your friends about your family secrets. This is especially true for personal and intimate relationships between spouses. In these matters, even close relatives should be closed off.

7. Common interests

Unfortunately, marriages based only on intimate relationships or associated with the birth of a child do not last.

Until the spouses have common interests that bring them closer, primarily emotionally, a strong family will not work out.

Yes, of course, there are families that exist for the sake of children. At the same time, as soon as the children grow up and fly out of the parental nest, the spouses have no common topics for communication, no common interests. And the love that seemed to exist in previous years has disappeared somewhere, leaving behind a bitter aftertaste of the same type of gray family everyday life.

To prevent this from happening, it is necessary to look for points of contact other than intimate relationships. It doesn't matter what it will be. This could be joint hikes, active tourism, a joint hobby that will captivate both of you and bring you closer together for many years.

It is common interests that provide constant topics for conversation and maintain interest in each other. It is common interests that bring a married couple together for many years, and even forever.

8. Forgive each other minor insults

The person is not perfect. He knows how to offend, he knows how to be angry and cruel. He sees the shortcomings of his other half, especially during a quarrel, and especially after several years of living together, having learned almost everything about his other half. A person may say nasty things or make his marriage partner unpleasant.

But a person also knows how to forgive. Try to be more patient, try to forgive each other minor insults and mistakes made in relationships. In the end, you didn’t create a family in order to destroy it and spoil your family relationships because of all sorts of little things.

9. Raising children

The topic of raising children is perhaps the most difficult for spouses at all times. The likelihood of family conflicts over children increases significantly. This is especially true for spouses who grew up in families that differ socially (rich or not), differ religiously (for example, approaches to raising children in Christian families differ from Muslim ones), or grew up in families where one of the parents is dominant.

In order to prevent conflicts in the family over raising children, you will have to learn to negotiate. Agree on almost everything, from the frequency of “pampering” and the limits of permissibility of children’s misdeeds, to the severity and methods of punishment.

In any case, the more often you spend time as a family, with your children, the stronger your marriage will be.

Moreover, the more participation each of you pays to raising children and relationships with children, the greater the likelihood of the same attitude towards you many years later, when your children have grown up and you have become elderly.

10. Attitude towards money

Not only everyday issues, but also a lack of money, including improper management of the family budget, can destroy a young family.

Marriages also break up due to lack of money, both for food and other needs. Marriages also break up due to excessive spending of money by one of the young spouses. Unfortunately, many young girls, having gotten married, believe that their husband should support them, paying for all their “wants” and wishes, without considering it necessary to work independently. When children are born, yes, a young mother is simply not able to work, devoting all her strength to caring for her child and spouse.

But while the family is still young, not burdened with children, it will be better for the young wife to get an education and work, primarily for her independence both today and in the future.

The same applies to young people who get married. If you have already started a family, try to do everything possible to ensure that the family prospers and becomes financially prosperous. But even the fact that you work does not give you the right to dominate the distribution of money. Especially after you have children.

Before starting a family, or at least in the first weeks of living together, you need to agree and accept your rules for maintaining a family budget. Rules that include the distribution and spending of money, from paying utilities and buying groceries and essential goods, to using money for clothing, or hobbies or entertainment.

Perhaps the most common formula for a happy marriage is that a husband and wife should be, first of all, friends. Because passion and love will pass, but friendship will remain - and will lead to even a silver wedding, even a gold one, even a diamond one.

At the same time, you can find many articles and other literature on the Internet, where one of the main pieces of advice to a woman is: “To be a good wife, you need to become your husband’s best friend.” Be able to easily find a common language, have common interests, spend more time together, share everything that is on your soul, respectively - listen to him, naturally, support each other, etc. and so on.

And on thematic forums, comments in the form of:

“For us, friendship is the basis of our relationship, which is why we avoid many misunderstandings and quarrels. How could it be otherwise? What else could a husband be if not a friend?

It would seem that it cannot be otherwise. But there are also alternative versions. For example, this is how a girl briefly describes her experience on one of the English-language sites:

“All my boyfriends eventually became my best friends. I was emotionally open with them, confiding all my innermost thoughts. We constantly spent time together, cooked together, watched old films together and went to meetings with my girlfriends...

However, all these relationships very quickly became obsolete. The moment when everything fell apart looked something like this: we were spending the evening together, sitting next to each other on a cozy sofa. It would seem that I should have enjoyed the warmth of intimacy, but in the ensuing silence I was seized with panic. I looked at him, at the person with whom I spend all my time and from whom I have no secrets, and with horror I realized: I don’t know where I end and where he begins. We disappeared into each other.

After several failed relationships, I began to worry: Do I have a personality disorder? Am I generally not inclined towards monogamy, am I not capable of a long-term relationship?

...The media cultivates the idea: your husband/boyfriend should be your best friend. The phrases constantly appear on Facebook feeds: “My husband and I are best friends.” Many films are based on how friendships transform into love over time. In the past, I adhered to exactly this model, but now I think: a loved one as a best friend is a sugary concept, even harmful to health. This is an attack on love. And the first step for total personality control.

I clearly realized that in all my relationships, seemingly so filled with each other, I experienced a terrible feeling of loneliness. I allowed one person to become the central element of my life, I forgot about my friends, parents, brothers and sisters... About what a pleasure it is to do something alone.

I was jealous and envious when my boyfriend dated someone other than me. How so?! I'm his best friend! Isn't I enough for him to feel happy? Now I understand that this is stupid. One person cannot and should not bear all the responsibility for the happiness and well-being of another. He cannot play all the roles - this will certainly lead to disappointment.

By focusing only on my boyfriend, I almost lost myself. After all, every person I know is completely unique and reflects one part of me. And with them I satisfy my different needs.

To rewatch your favorite movie - with someone else.

Now I'm in a new relationship. Nick and I are very different and cannot always quickly understand each other. Sometimes we have to, for example, “translate” what is said. I immediately thought that this was a bad sign: after all, relationships can be strong if partners read each other’s thoughts and easily anticipate words and actions.

But since our relationship only continues to strengthen and develop, I realized the opposite. He and she shouldn't be alike. The more differences, the stronger my desire to get to know myself, him, learn patience and work on relationships. We don't become boring and predictable to each other, but we still remain interesting.

Or in terms of sex. Getting used to each other, constantly being close to each other kills desire. After all, you don't have sex with friends. That's why they are called friends, not lovers.

This does not mean that there should be no emotional intimacy, but this intimacy should not replace one’s own interests and replace best friends.”

Maybe, of course, this particular girl has “codependency syndrome.” Or maybe, really, a woman, when she gives her husband/loved one the “title” “best friend,” thereby assigns too many roles to him, unconsciously blurs the boundaries between him and herself and prepares for complete merging into one person?

Like the following common comments on forums.

My best friend is my husband. I can only tell him everything and about everything. And sincerely. After all, it’s not for nothing that he’s my soulmate?!

I can tell my boyfriend everything in the world, without any embarrassment or fear... Although, of course, there are girlfriends, but that’s not it...

Who else should I share it with? With girlfriends? They have their own problems and families. With mom? It’s better not to tell your mom some things - there’s no need to worry her too much.

I would say that my husband is not only a friend to me, but also a girlfriend. He is everything to me!

My husband and I are friends. And we will listen to each other, and give advice, and support, and just chat, and argue, and joke. I find it much more interesting with him than with my girlfriends.

My husband is even more than a friend to me, he is a part of me. We have no secrets from each other. And there is nothing terrible that he could find out about me from his friends. They don't know half of what he knows about me.

Yes, the whole difficulty in talking about friendship and love is that these concepts do not have any clear definition. Everyone puts their own special meaning into the same friendship. What is this? Common interests? Constantly spending time with each other? Complete absence of secrets and secrets? The ability to pour out your soul at any time? Confidence that in difficult times they will support you and give you a shoulder?

But the most interesting thing is that men and women generally have different ideas about friendship.

If you believe experts, female friendship is temporary: as long as it is convenient and profitable and as long as personal interests are satisfied. At the same time, the main thing for a woman in such a relationship is the opportunity to “cry into her vest,” gain sympathy and pity and throw out emotions. Therefore, if a woman meets a man who is ready to wipe away her tears every time, all her friends fade into the background: she no longer needs them.

Ideally, male friendship is forever. And according to this very ideal, it is built on the principles of honor and devotion. Men express their support for each other mostly through practical assistance. Moreover, for the sake of this help they are ready to sacrifice their personal interests.

They also need to speak out, but they do it carefully. Because a true friend is one who will keep what he hears and will never use the information received for blackmail, reproaches and as a “knife in the back.”

Is it possible that friendship in marriage only works on one side?

While a woman considers her husband a friend and treats him accordingly (striving, for example, for common interests or pushing her friends into the background), he is in no hurry to give her the same definition?

After all, this means opening up too much and forgetting about your own interests.

Hence, instead of the desired idyll, on the contrary, there is misunderstanding and resentment. Here, for example, are the revelations of another girl:

I never noticed this, but lately I began to understand that for him I may be his great love, and his soulmate, but not his girlfriend. He does not share his secrets, dreams, secrets with me. Doesn't open up completely to me. Sometimes I even think that he doesn't really trust me very much.

However, he says that he is simply a very secretive person and does not like to talk about himself, much less about some of his goals and dreams.

And he also has a best friend. He spends a lot of time with him. I remember once we were talking about moving to another country. He thought for a while and said that he would miss his friend very much. And that he is afraid that he won’t find something like that there. But I will be next to him! Why can't I be his friend?

What do men themselves say about friendship with their wives?

Of course, it is impossible to derive a single opinion. However, judging by the forums, the male statement “my wife is my best friend” is much less common than the female one.

More often you see comments like this:

What kind of friendship is between husband and wife?! Let’s add to everything the mutual openness and readability of your characters, behaviors and souls, and after the “equals” sign we get a “zero”. This is exactly the percentage you will need to know in your partner throughout your life - utter boredom!

Sorry, girls, but I don’t really believe in statements like: “I tell my husband everything, everything, everything...”. Maybe only at the very beginning of life together, while the fire of passions burns like a fire. Over the years, what is called personal space still accumulates. If yesterday, at a corporate party, I flirted with a woman, just flirted, then why would I “load” this on my wife? But I will discuss this adventure with pleasure with a male friend. That's why we all have several friends and acquaintances. With varying degrees of trust and opening of the soul. Limiting all contacts only to loved ones is robbing yourself.

The husband should be the person who makes decisions and is responsible for them. And chatting about your “problems” is to your girlfriend.

You can’t be very good with men: you’ll become a sister or a mommy. And sex, good sex, with a beautiful, passionate wife, is more powerful than a shared vision of certain issues. In short, we think differently on all issues.

Let men not be friends with their wives! They either love them or they don't. They are friends with their school friends. This is an illusion of women. While he loves, he is a friend, comrade and protector; if he stops loving, then he is a stranger and an enemy. And in friendship one does not “fall out of love.”

A husband cannot and should not be a friend, otherwise it will backfire on you!

My wife is not my friend, but my wife. I won't sleep with my friend.

Spouses should be anything to each other, but not friends. Remember, if you feel that you and your wife (husband) have a friendly relationship, then that’s the end of the fairy tale. Maybe this is the beginning of some other phase (there is not a phase, but a type of family life, albeit a calmer and longer-term one), but the fairy tale is the end.

There are such concepts: wife-girlfriend and wife-wife. They seem to be in tune, but in understanding they are very far away, almost diametrically! A friend... today she is like this, and tomorrow... And if you also take into account that women (not all, of course) are predators by nature, then the outcome is predictable! But the spouse is forever: in joy and in sorrow...

For me, my wife has never been a friend and never will be. And let them often think and say the opposite, all this is hypocrisy. A wife is a wife. She is a mother to her children and a wife to her husband. A good relationship does not mean that I am her friend and she is my friend. Married life is the mutual agreement of two people to fulfill the assigned duties of husband and wife. But when friendship begins in a family, they begin to use each other in their own interests.

So should a husband also be a best friend?

Does such a vision contribute to a happy family life or, on the contrary, kill a marriage?

In conclusion, three more memorable women's comments.

What is a friend? My husband doesn't know how to react to women's chatter. If I tell him about my problems with the intention of complaining, he will think about how to solve them and will be nervous that he cannot help. That is, a friend in the sense of pouring “vocabulary” into him - no. But as a friend who will always have your back, definitely.

And my husband told me just yesterday that with all his love for me, I am never his friend, because during our quarrels I behave very meanly and ugly towards him. Apparently, it is love that holds us together, and the sex is also excellent.

No, I don't want to be a friend! I am special, unpredictable and not fully explored. I am both a lover and the mother of his children, sometimes bitchy, sometimes demanding, sometimes like his mother, caring, sometimes like a little unreasonable daughter, sometimes like a stranger, sometimes like my other self. There is reliability in a wife - without this it is impossible to live with a person. A wife is closer than a brother or sister. And she doesn’t need to be a friend. It should be big and always different. And for you men, life is more interesting this way. A wife should be a woman - multifaceted, familiar, unfamiliar and attractive.

Does your husband really treat your girlfriends well? The answer to this question may determine how long your marriage will last.

Researchers studying marriage and friendship have found that couples in which men disapproved of their wives' friends were more likely to divorce during the first years of marriage. Scientists analyzed data from black and white couples, but the results were true only for the latter. When a man felt that his wife's friends were interfering in their relationship, the chances of divorce almost doubled.

"This is one of the first studies to examine in-husband friendships and their impact on marital relationships," said Katherine Fiori, a psychologist at Adelphi University in New York and co-author of the new study. The findings were published May 3 in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

Uniting friends

Scientists say many studies have looked at how married couples structured their relationships with their parents-in-law, but they have paid little attention to the friendships of both parties. The role of connecting friends for a satisfying relationship may be more important, because in modern society, many couples meet online, rather than through mutual friends, as was the case in the past. Thus, the husband and wife have their own social circle, consisting of friends and relatives, who need to be united after the wedding.

The researchers analyzed data from 355 heterosexual couples who were surveyed in the first year after marriage. These couples got married in Detroit back in 1986. It found that 36 percent of white couples and 55 percent of black couples divorced within the first 16 years of marriage.

Probability of divorce

Using this 16-year time period, the researchers determined a couple's likelihood of divorce based on the answers men and women gave separately to several questions during the first years of marriage. During the first year, each man was asked how many friends he and his spouse could ask for help or advice. Partners were also asked whether their significant other had friends they would rather not waste time on.

During the first two years of marriage, participants were asked whether their spouse's friends interfered with their family life.

Husband's opinion

The most important indicator of whether a couple would divorce was the husband's opinion of his wife's friends. For example, 70 percent of white couples in which the husband was on good terms with his wife's friends during the first year of marriage remained together 16 years later. But those couples in which the husbands did not approve of the wife's friends divorced in almost 50 percent of cases. A woman's relationship with her husband's friends had no bearing on the likelihood of divorce.

If the husband believed that his wife's friends were interfering in their family relationships, the likelihood of divorce almost doubled. These results were independent of other factors that may influence the decision to divorce, including education level, income, age, whether study participants' parents were divorced, whether they wanted a child before marriage, and their own ratings of marital quality in the first year. after the wedding.

Why friends are important

Traditionally, it is believed that an increase in the number of friends after marriage has a positive effect on the relationship between partners. But at the same time, married couples spend less time with friends than single people. This may be because newlyweds prefer to spend more time alone, but another reason could be friction between spouses and friends. This study cannot, on its own, explain why only husbands' opinions matter and why there are racial differences in how friendships affect a couple's relationship.

Some clues, however, can be found in previous research, which has shown that black couples may rely more on their family when they need support than white couples, who are more likely to turn to friends. It may not matter whether black couples approve of each other's friends, since they are more likely to focus on their families.

Why the wife's opinion does not affect the likelihood of divorce

There are many reasons why a husband's opinion of his wife's friends matters more than the other way around. As you know, women are more emotionally attached to their friends compared to men. They are more likely to tell their friends about family problems, although in some cases this can only make the situation worse. Unlike women, men are not used to sharing their feelings with friends, but are more focused on spending time together. This is why wives can more easily accept their husband's friends. This also means that it's easier for men to stop hanging out with a friend their wife doesn't like. But the reason may also be hidden in the fact that men are more willing to decide on a divorce when problems arise with friends than women.

When friends don't approve of the relationship...

Previous studies have also shown that if friends don't approve of a relationship, it's more likely to eventually fail. This means that men who don't like their wife's friends may sense their hostility towards them. In such cases, it is difficult to say whose hostility appeared first.

Husbands who have experienced hostility from their wives' friends can try to repair the relationship by considering the benefits their spouses receive from those friendships and how those benefits may affect their marriage.

Many people are often aware of the problems that can arise after marriage, but do not usually think about how difficult it can be to get along with their partner's friends.

Responsibilities of the husband: protect his wife from negative emotions, listening to her, protect his wife and children from worries, protect his wife and children from social problems (provide food, shelter, warmth, maintain material well-being). The husband must listen to his wife. If her husband does not listen to her, she will look for listeners on the side. A husband must be faithful to his wife. A husband and wife should not live in a civil union. The husband must take responsibility. The husband must support his wife and children. If the wife wants to be at home, the husband should not prohibit it. If a wife wants to be in society (provided that the children are adults), she should also not prohibit this. If a wife earns more than her husband, the husband should continue to work and not be lazy. A husband must be a servant of the Almighty, a man of high ideals, high principles. A wife can get up later than her husband, but the husband should always get up early and pray to the God of Gods. The husband must have a virtuous attitude towards his wife and her parents.

Duties of a Wife: Faithful to her husband, a wife should have a virtuous attitude towards her husband and his parents. The wife must support her husband's vows. A wife must accept her husband’s environment: parents, friends, be respectful of them, support her husband’s vows and goals, and be an inspiring force for him. The wife will be tested to see how respectful she is to him and accepts the conditions that her husband has. The power of a wife's chastity supports her husband. Even if a girl is ugly, but has humility and chastity, her husband will love her. Chastity is also fidelity and submission to your husband. Chastity for women means being at peace, being content with what you have, patience, humility, fidelity. While we came into this world due to lack of obedience to the Almighty, then if the wife, at least for the first five years, always says “yes” to her husband, then the husband will love her, and she will develop obedience towards the God of Gods. The wife will be tested to see how respectful she is to her husband and accepts the conditions that her husband has. The Vedas say that of all relationships with a husband (wife-friend, mother, daughter, and so on), the best relationship is with the wife-servant. With the one who fulfills any desires of her husband (but who knows the principles of purity, goodness and acts in accordance with them). The sastras warn that a woman should not serve a fallen husband. The fallen husband is an atheist with sinful habits. It is better not to live with such a person. The husband does not like it when his wife discusses him in front of others. A wife who desires another man in her mind or thinks about divorce when her husband is not fallen means that she is not chaste.

In order to maintain a balance between spiritual and material life, sadhana, a daily routine, must be regulated. The basis of correct structures in the family is the desire to develop spiritually and help and encourage each other in this. Before getting married, young people must clearly see the guidelines for their life together, their compatibility with each other, understand each other’s tastes, motives, and motivations for their future life. Spouses must maintain peace and fidelity, including incarnational fidelity from life to life towards each other in the family under any circumstances and make plans together (otherwise the family union is “disposable”, “like going to the market” or, in other words , legalized prostitution). If one of the spouses cannot observe the regulative principles, one should continue to maintain peace in the family and try to encourage the spouse to observe the principles, developing gradually. One must also try to avoid subtle lust - this is the desire for honor, fame in society. Relationships in the family should not be based on the duty of the spouse, but on fulfilling one’s duty. Speech should not offend others, there should be no empty talk.

You can get rid of the lower taste only by receiving the higher taste. To grow in the gunas, one must try to rise to the guna of goodness. Actions, food, environment, lifestyle are in the gunas (you can read more about the gunas in the Bhagavad Gita).

I've tried to let go of my best friend responsibilities and keep my distance, but it still hurts.

Dear Eddie,

I had a best friend. Opposite gender from me. We have known each other for many years and became close due to our shared experiences and concern for each other. On my part it was also a crush, probably, but it was not mutual, since my friend is now dating someone else. And this relationship worries me and our mutual acquaintances, because we see different signs that my friend is now blind to, even when we point them out.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried to let go of my best friend responsibilities and keep my distance, but it still hurts. I miss my friend, but they don’t seem to miss me anymore. I'm worried about his new relationship, but I don't say anything about it anymore. What should I do? With my heart, with my friend? I am already keeping my distance both physically and emotionally as much as possible.

Sincerely, Suffering Friend.

Dear Suffering Friend (we will call you S.P. for convenience),

Both spouses and best friends are essentially cut from the same cloth, I would even argue that if you have found yourself a best friend of the opposite sex, you have most likely found yourself a spouse in him.

You wrote to me because you want advice, and I will give you advice. But I can’t just give you a to-do list without acknowledging the pain you’re going through right now. Seeing how carefully you approached “maintaining anonymity” and your heartfelt anguish, I must say that I am very sorry that you are in so much pain. Honestly, your situation sucks (translator's note - yes, approximately the same word was used there).

Having said all this (and even in the process uttering almost a curse, more or less applicable among Christians), I still want to talk to you. First, let's forget about your situation for a minute and look at it from a broader angle to make it easier to understand what exactly is happening to you.

Who is a best friend?

Yes, this headline is a bit like teen magazine headlines. But don't worry, I won't talk about knowing network passwords or permission to wear each other's clothes. I will talk about something else - what distinguishes a person from other friends, for which we award the title of “best”.

To become the “best” you need to perform many roles simultaneously. Usually these roles are played by several friends, but in the best friend they are performed single-handedly. This person, in addition to allowing you to wear his clothes and sharing online passwords with you, spends a lot of time with you, knows about your experiences and secrets, laughs at your strange jokes and stays by your side no matter what happens in your life. . It's safe to be with them, they love you, and they're not going to leave you alone. In short, best friends are like spouses.

And from here we are forced to conclude...

It is impossible to play “best” friends with the opposite sex

It's just not possible. At least for a long period of time. Because while some people make it work (myself included), there always comes a day when those friendships come up against the question of a romantic relationship. This can be rephrased another way: the best friend, if he is truly the best, occupies exactly the place in the heart that one day our spouses can and should occupy. And if in a marital relationship both parties do not occupy these places, then one of the parties can be accused of infidelity.

Also, and here someone may definitely not like my point of view, in the case of best friends of the opposite sex, at least one of the parties, if not both, has romantic feelings for the best friend. Of course, I don’t presume to say this with 100% probability, but in my life I have never seen a case where one of the parties did not wait for the moment and even hoped that the relationship would move to the next stage. But why is this so?

Because best friends of the opposite sex are a no-strings-attached marriage. Because both spouses and best friends are essentially cut from the same cloth, I would even argue that if you have found yourself a best friend of the opposite sex, you have most likely found yourself a spouse in him. This is what happened in my life. If you are not willing to come to terms with this, you are either not giving your best friend that part of your heart that belongs to your “other half,” or your “other half” is not receiving what rightfully belongs to her. You won't be able to sit on two chairs here. Even the best friends of the same sex will have to give up the rights to your heart to their spouses. After all, husband and wife are best friends for life.

Now let's get back to you S.P.

I'll give you very tough advice. Very tough. You need to keep doing what you're already doing. Stay away from your best friend. Hear me: you are a normal person, there is nothing wrong with you, and most likely your fears about your friend’s new relationship are justified. However, because of your former place in your friend's heart, you are the last person who has the right to say anything about his new relationship, which today occupies (for better or worse) the place that was once yours.

Because of your former place in your friend's heart, you are the last person who has the right to say anything about his new relationship now occupying (for better or worse) the place that was once yours.

I'm so sorry, S.P. Losing your best friend, I even dare to say - love, is one of the greatest tragedies of man. My favorite poet, Paul Simon, said it this way: “Losing love is like a window into the heart. Everyone can see the suffering and storms of the soul.” And this is exactly what is happening to you now.

In conclusion, let’s summarize our conversation: let others talk about concerns about new relationships, but now you cannot be the same best friend that you were. I'm sure you were a great friend. Which just proves that you can be the best friend to someone else and even become a wife someday.