The influence of two-parent and single-parent families on child development.

As a psychologist, I often encounter this situation: adult brothers and sisters are in a long-term conflict, do not communicate at all, do not see each other. And they say about each other: “He no longer exists for me,” “She died for me,” “I no longer have a brother,” “I will never forgive her.” Mutual resentment, anger, envy, disappointment, rejection. And I asked myself the question: where does all this begin? I believe that blood feud always comes from childhood, and the supporting bricks in its foundation are laid by parents.

Several years ago I communicated with my brother and sister, between whom a conflict was already flaring up, but still in a hidden form. Nikolai was 47 years old, and Ulyana was 45. Their mother divorced their father when Nikolai was 10 and Ulyana was 8. And although they were almost the same age, I was amazed at how different their subjective pictures of the perceptions of their common childhood were.

Nikolai told me about their prosperity, how their mother prepared delicious and generous dinners for them, how every year they went on vacation to the sea and stayed there for at least a month. His childhood was abundant and happy.

Ulyana’s childhood, according to her stories, was very poor. She felt disadvantaged in everything. She complained that her mother did not buy her dresses, she was forced to wear boys' clothes for her brother and therefore always looked like a beggar and an ugly duckling. She also claimed that they were almost starving.

When Nikolai heard this, he was terribly surprised and outraged. He attacked his sister with accusations of lies and ingratitude. He was angry, foaming at the mouth and citing evidence that their childhood was abundant and joyful. Ulyana insisted on her point. And she was very upset that they didn’t believe her. After all, all the feelings that she experienced when remembering her childhood were her real feelings. She also spoke about her childhood very sincerely and truthfully. But she had her own truth. In a heated debate, the following circumstance was revealed. Kolya was very sick early childhood. And the doctors advised the mother to give birth to another child, so that the eldest would have more interest in life, in order to keep him in this world in this way. Mom, apparently, did not make a secret of this; Ulyana knew about the reasons for her birth. With great resentment, she shouted in her brother’s face: “Yes, I was born just for you! Nobody needed me here at all!”

All parents should think about whether, through their actions or words, wittingly or unwittingly, they are creating a conflict situation for their children. It seems to me that the main rule should be EQUALITY of children in everything. Of course, the feeling of inequality may be subjective, but there is no smoke without fire. Parents should ask themselves a number of questions:

1. Am I able to divide everything equally? Am I giving special privileges to any of my children?

Nina was 53, and her brother Stanislav was 67. And he often recalled an episode from their life in evacuation in Ufa during the war. Nina was 3 years old at that time, and Stas was 17. Mom then put more porridge on little Nina’s plate than Stas. 50 years later, Stanislav still recalled this scene with tears in his eyes: “Ninka was already pink, plump-cheeked, and healthy. And I am a tired, stooped teenager. I probably weighed only forty kilograms then.” Nina laughed: “What an old fool, I remembered what happened under Tsar Pea.” A year later, young and healthy Nina unexpectedly died. Stanislav came to her daughter and repented: “I am so ashamed now that I have reproached your mother with this porridge all my life. Appearances are deceptive. I thought I was the goner, and she was as healthy as an ox. Ah, see how it all turned out.”

Let's return to Nikolai and Ulyana. Subsequently, their conflict intensified. Nikolai, one might say, kicked Ulyana out of the house and began to take care of his sick mother alone. She registered the inheritance for the apartment entirely in Nikolai’s name. And this led to the climax of the conflict: when their mother died, Ulyana did not even come to the funeral. She was offended not only by her brother, but also by her mother. Most likely, Ulyana and Nikolai lost each other forever.

It is better to make a decision on dividing the inheritance as soon as the youngest child turns 18. Make a will or give equal shares to all children. Discuss your decision openly with everyone. Make sure everyone thinks it's fair and no one is offended.

It especially splits a child’s psyche if one of the parents always takes his side, while the other protects his brother or sister. Then the child feels rejected by one of the parents and attached to the other. In some families, it is a common practice to call one child “Mom’s” and the other “Dad’s.” If one of the child’s parents “rejects”, then the child himself, out of resentment, rejects the energy of his family. That is, exactly half of the generic energy is lost. Don't take the side of one of the children. Better help them establish a dialogue. Help each of them explain their point of view. Help us find common ground. Even saying: “Figure it out yourself” will the best solution than to take sides.

Avoid ratings and comparisons. If one child is gifted in some way or is a better student, it can be difficult to resist making comparisons. “But your older brother is already at your age...” Ask yourself the question: “Why?” Do you really believe that if you humiliate your child, he will immediately run to correct himself? Or do you really love and appreciate less the child who does not demonstrate great success? Stop comparing once and for all.

Do not tell younger children about the jealous and unkind attitude of older children towards them when they were born.

You may find the following phrases from the elders funny: “Let’s better eat him,” or “And if you drop it from the balcony, will it break into small pieces?”, or “When will you return him to the hospital?” But for your younger children, this hostility will worry and frighten you and cause the same negative feelings in response. It's not funny to them at all. They perceive it as a threat coming from more strong brother or sisters. Perhaps even as a threat to their lives.

For example, a big error after the appearance youngest child pick up things for him from the elder. Some parents put the baby in the bed of the older one, but suddenly and without preparation he is transferred to a larger bed. Or they give the child toys of an older person without asking. In such situations, the eldest child feels that he has been deprived of his property and infringed on the rights that he is already accustomed to enjoying. Children under six years of age, who are still very dependent on their parents and cannot be angry with them, in such a situation direct their feelings: envy, resentment, anger - to their brother or sister.

Also, you should not force an older child to take care of the younger ones. Children are your responsibility. You have made a decision about the child, and you must take care of him. Let your older child enjoy his childhood to the fullest.

It is surprising that sometimes parents force older children to take care of younger ones as adults. And they appeal: “You’re older. Take care of your brother." Is it okay that your brother is approaching 30? In these situations, older sisters are especially offended. Because they quite rightly perceive their brothers as already grown men. After 18, the age difference is no longer important. If your sister is 35 and your brother is 28, why should she take care of him like a mother? He is an adult. He can take care of himself, and he could help his sister, since he is a man and she is a woman. Of course, such situations are a sign of incomplete separation from parents. But, believe me, they are not uncommon.

There are very subtle unconscious moments here. Some of your actions and words, to which you do not attach any significance, may be felt by the child as highlighting or favoring his brother or sister.

My daughter says that I love her older brother more. I wasn't afraid to ask why. According to my daughter, my brother’s name sounds on my lips much more often. For example, when he and his brother talk, it’s as if I only hear him. I only laugh at his jokes. I only ask him questions. I always say his name first. I always just ask him what he wants me to cook. Even if my daughter asked me to cook food, when I call them to the table, I only say his name: “Dima, go eat.”

Believe me, I do all this completely unconsciously. I don't notice it. Perhaps you also have such subtle moments when you single out one of your children.

It’s good that my daughter is angry and offended at me for this, and not at her brother. Because she's already 13.

You might say that conflict often arises in adulthood. For example, a brother begins to envy a brother who has achieved more high level life. And the sister may begin to envy the sister who married more successfully. I argue that the primary conflict in any case arose in childhood. It was in childhood that you thought that your brother or sister had a better life. And what happened in adulthood became a trigger for an old childhood trauma and led to retraumatization.

Of course, all children are different. More and less sensitive. There are children who go through situations of monstrous injustice with absolutely no consequences. But there are very vulnerable children who will be traumatized for life by one single unfair assessment. One of your comparisons can lead to the fact that your children adult life will become blood enemies instead of being the closest people to each other. Be careful and take care of their future.

And if you yourself have excellent relationships with your brothers and sisters, congratulations: you had wise parents. Not everyone is so lucky.

You have the same parents, genes, background, sometimes even the same bed and the same clothes. You were friends and rivals, you shared secrets and were mortal enemies. At times you felt so close, as if you were Siamese twins, at times they moved away from each other and felt like strangers. You can evoke the most from each other deep love and the most fierce hatred.

If you someone's sister, there is a person with whom you are very connected difficult relationships, one of the most complex known among people.

“It’s a relationship like, ‘I can’t stand you. I hate you to death... I love you. You are part of who I am,” says Adele Faber, who wrote the books Brotherhood Without Rivalry and Among Brothers and Sisters with Elaine Mazlish. “It can be a volatile, ambiguous relationship.”

In studying adult sibling relationships, Victoria Khilkevich Bedford, Ph.D., of the University of Indianapolis, found that for most people, sibling relationships involve elements of expectations, obligations, and conflict. Brothers and sisters of all ages and all degrees of kinship are confident that they can always rely on each other (even though they rarely actually help each other). The sisters in particular view the breakdown of ties as temporary. “When they are separated,” notes dr Bedford, “they expect that the lost connection will be restored in the future, and this is indeed happening.”

CONFLICTS BETWEEN BROTHERS AND SISTERS

However dr Bedford, who studies same-sex relationships, also found that sisters have more conflict than brothers, perhaps because their relationships are more emotionally charged. “Close relationships create conflict,” she explains.

With a few exceptions, conflicts are a common occurrence not only between sisters, but generally between children of the same parents. Loved ones bear the scars of the wounds they inflict on each other, says Faber, who works with parents across the country to teach them how to deal with their children's competitiveness. – Great suffering can be caused by a deep sense of resentment: “I was ugly, she was beautiful. I was considered stupid, she was smart.” It hurts a lot. We often form an idea of ​​ourselves based on our place among our brothers and sisters.”

TIME INCREASES THE NUMBER OF WOUNDS

Brothers and sisters who fought over who would sit in the front seat as children and figured out who Mom loved more as adults continue to compete over who earns more, whose children are smarter, and who will take care of their mother. Based on my research dr Bedford found that sisters often clashed because of inheritance.

Brothers and sisters, when sorting out relationships, cross boundaries that no one else would dare cross. You bring up the ugliest moments in each other's lives at the most inopportune times. You announce to another who he (or she) really is (“crazy,” “pig,” “selfish”), although you do not notice who you yourself are turning into. You will not leave any aspect of another person's life unconsidered, as if you have a right to do so.

“My sister is incredibly tactless,” says 48 year old Karen Spalding about her 54 year old sister. – Over the years, I have taught myself not to be offended by her statements. One day I showed up at her house by the sea wearing comfortable sandals for walking. She immediately asked: “What are those orthopedic old man’s sandals you’re wearing?” I felt funny. I thought to myself that she wore old lady's dresses, but I didn't even think to tell her anything similar. And when we were younger, things like that made me cry."

Although there is reason to believe that relationships between siblings improve over time, sometimes time cannot change existing ideas. Dr. Bedford recalls one day visiting the home of a woman in a study to see her sister, whom the woman described as beautiful. “She was a beauty only in the eyes of her sister,” says dr Bedford. - In my, the sister who admired her was much more attractive. Her eyes radiated light, she was an interesting person, possessed hidden talents and took life surprisingly joyfully. The second sister was a boring, uninteresting, standard pretty person.”

ROOTS OF RIVALRY

It is not difficult to trace the roots of sibling rivalry. “It starts in very early childhood with competition for the love of mom and dad,” Faber says. – On my last trip, I watched a mother on a plane with a 6-7 month old baby in her arms and a 3 year old boy who clearly lacked maternal attention. Mom was completely absorbed in the youngest, she hummed to him, making him smile. Watch this scene mutual love it was a pleasure. But the facial expression 3 year old boy! It read: “How can you do this? You’re my mother!”

Even if your parents were very attentive to your feelings and tried not to single anyone out, the children could still see each other as rivals. For a child, a sister or brother is the one who robs them, steals the songs, fairy tales and smiles that belong to them.

Such feelings are not necessarily associated with parents, Faber clarifies. “In fact, my personal belief is that the reason people get married is because the words in the marriage vow, ‘to leave all others,’ mean ‘you are mine.’ That’s what I’ve wanted my whole life, a person who belongs only to me!”

But friendly relations Between brothers and sisters, it’s not just the rivalry and resentments that we carry with us from childhood that interfere. Even though siblings inherit about half the same genes, we can only be more than two years alike strangers who accidentally happened to be nearby on the street, write Judy Dunn and Robert Plomin in the book “The Fates Diverge: Why Brothers and Sisters Are So Different.” Although there is a genetic connection between us, we can be completely different people, which are completely differently experience what appears to be common life, perceiving it in my own way. If you are asked to describe the same event from your childhood, you and your siblings are likely to recreate the situation from the famous Japanese film Rashomon, in which witnesses to a crime give a completely different picture of how it was committed.

Faber describes an incident from her childhood when she, 10 year old the girl was impatiently waiting for her adored older brother to return from the city where he worked. When he appeared, he asked her to take a walk with him after dinner. “This was what I craved so much - he wanted to talk to me! Faber recalls. “But when we were about fifty yards away from the house, my brother put a dime in my hand and asked me to cover it.” He was going to meet a girl. I was simply killed. This was the first refusal I received from a man.” However, when, already as an adult, she reminded her brother of this incident, it turned out that he had only a very vague memory of it. “It's so typical of siblings,” she says. “What left such a sad trace in the memory of one of them, the other does not remember at all.”

FORCE OF GRAVITY

And yet, no matter how far we may be geographically, life experience or psychologically, there is a strong bond between siblings. Maybe we are driven towards each other by a special kind of emotional attraction.

“I’m not like my brother and sister,” Faber says. – My sister is very pragmatic, she knows how to count well. My brother is a businessman. I'm much more emotional. It's like there's no relationship between us strong attachment. But then one Sunday we decided to visit our father, who lived in a nursing home. My brother and sister came to pick me up. I was going to sit in the back seat, but they said: “No, no, sit with us, in the front.” As I settled into the seat between them, I felt a sense of comfort, a wonderful sense of family. It was in this something purely physical. It was as if my genes were saying: “Oh, what happiness, what happiness, the family is together again.”

After conducting research, dr Bedford discovered that there are ways to improve relationships between siblings if they are not developing properly. Age, she reassures, equalizes us. The older we get, the more we value family and feel obligated to maintain contact. “Leaving to live in another place once again reminds us how much we need our brothers and sisters,” she says. – Or, for example, you lose your neighbors, so you start to rely more on your sister. You talk to her on the phone endlessly.”

Although it happens differently, but the death of a parent can bring children together, especially if it leads to closer contact. “People become attached to each other when they see each other more. Circumstances such as the death of a parent, which necessitate contact with each other, helped some of the people in the group I worked with. The emotional component of their relationship has improved. Often what did not work out in the past goes away, because communication allows you to establish connections in the present,” notes dr Bedford.

Of course, close contacts can also stir up old grievances. “That old girl may be hiding inside you, waiting to come out and ruin your efforts,” she warns.

“If time has not healed old wounds,” says Faber, “you will have to make a choice. You can bury the old so as not to spoil relationships in the present, or “talk out” what is bothering you, discuss these problems with your brother or sister.

For some, a long, cordial conversation will help, advises Faber. - For example: “I never hated you, I was jealous,” “I thought that you hated me, that’s why I behaved this way.” You'll laugh, you'll cry, and then you'll suddenly find that you feel the same way about each other. in a new way».

Summary: Sibling conflicts. Problems with the appearance of a younger brother or sister. Jealousy of brothers and sisters. Quarrels and fights

Brothers and sisters in the same family are a special community with their own patterns of development. And these patterns are approximately the same for all times and peoples. For example, the experiences of an older child with the arrival of a new baby in the family. Or the rivalry between brothers, flaring up with new severity in adolescence. Or the secret jealousy of the younger sister towards the older one, when she is already enjoying the attention of the opposite sex with all her might. Some of these processes take place in front of the parents (quarrels and fights). Others reveal themselves less clearly. What do parents need to know about this and what can parents do?

Playing baby

Children experience the arrival of a younger brother or sister very acutely. Especially if the age difference between them is less than three years. They often experience severe anxiety and become aggressive. This is due to a natural decrease in the mother's attention to them. But this reaction of an older child is no less natural: in order to regain the mother’s attention, you need to become small again, behave like a baby.

Parents should try to take a constructive approach to this turn of events. That is, do not condemn and, especially, do not punish for such behavior. Just give the child the opportunity to be a baby again, but in a game with certain rules.

You can spend 15-30 minutes a day playing the game. And this should be a time exclusively for communication between mother and eldest child. She won't be distracted by phone calls, someone from home will look after the youngest. During this half hour, the eldest son or daughter is allowed to behave like a baby: drink from a bottle, eat while sitting on a high chair, ask your mother to spoon-feed you or rock you in her arms, etc.

You can invite your child to watch photographs or a video together where he is at the same age as his brother or sister is now. Play baby games with him. You can get clothes he has outgrown, his old toys. Tell how happy everyone was at one time about his appearance, his first smile, his first steps, etc. Remember the funny and cute incidents associated with his infancy. The techniques can be very diverse. The main thing is for the child to understand: he was loved then and continues to be loved now.

Not only the mother, but also other family members can play this way with the older child. But it’s better if there are no spectators. Play regularly until your jealous little one loses interest in this activity. He may try to imitate the baby all the time, and not just during play time. Let him know that you expect more mature behavior from him outside of the game.

Emphasize that you are proud that you have an adult, independent and skillful child to whom you can turn for help. But this does not mean that he only had new responsibilities. Let your older son or daughter experience the benefits of their new position. For example, you could allow him to stay up later or give him other privileges.

Is it possible to love everyone equally?

Modern specialists on issues of education they say that this is an illusion. It is impossible to love all children in a family equally. If only because they are of different ages(raising twins is a special conversation). So don’t blame yourself if you can’t pay equal attention to all children. And how can this be measured? Moreover, children of different ages need to be shown both attention and love in different ways. The main thing is that there is no obvious preference for one child over another.

It is worth observing your reactions to the same actions and manifestations of older and younger children. The baby's restlessness and crying are perceived as natural reaction for some inconvenience or as a manifestation of need. And I would like to call the same behavior of the older child disobedience and promiscuity. Meanwhile, he has his own needs and his own reasons for dissatisfaction.

Sibling jealousy

Anyone can experience jealousy, regardless of their age and status. Most often, this feeling arises as a manifestation of low self-esteem, self-doubt, and fear of losing someone’s affection. It is clear that a child should not lack the love and care of loved ones.

On the other hand, one should not develop a sense of exclusivity in him. Gradually he will understand that he is not the only one who needs care. For example, to grandparents and other close people. Then the appearance of another child in the family will not become a source of endless worries for him.

Often adults react more clearly and quickly to a child’s disapproved behavior. And positive behavior is taken for granted. Some children understand it this way: it is easier to receive negative attention than to work hard and do something good. Make sure your child understands that he will get more response and interest from you if he behaves in approved ways. It is possible that after some time he will change roles with the younger child - rather will be perceived as capricious and mischievous.

Quarrels and fights

There is no family in which the relationship between brothers and sisters would develop exceptionally smoothly, without any problems. This is only possible when the age difference between the children is very large - fifteen years or more. Feelings of helplessness and impotent rage at the sight of children quarreling are familiar to most parents. American mothers and practical psychologists Adele Faber and Helen Mazlish offer several rules to help parents.

Don't judge your child or stop him from expressing negative feelings towards younger brother or sister. Better help him realize these feelings and show that you understand them and sympathize with him. For example: “I understand that you are afraid that we will love you less?” The child will understand what exactly upsets and worries him. It’s not the appearance of a new baby at all, but the fear of losing the sense of security that the confidence in your undivided love for him gave him.

Do not immediately demand the manifestation of positive feelings, this only strengthens negative emotions. When the child calms down, good feelings will come on their own. It all depends on your own communication style, on your ability to love and express positive feelings.

Teach children to express their anger, protest, and bad mood in a way that is safe and harmless to others. For example, in symbolic form: through drawing, modeling, unsent letter, poetry, etc. But not in swearing or fighting. The drawing can be crumpled, torn into small pieces, thrown away, etc.

Stop fights between children immediately, but try not to find out who is right and who is wrong. Just take your time more attention to the victim. Try to ensure that children are not assigned permanent roles as abuser or victim. Do not teach that parents sort out any quarrel. Choose a moment when the children are calm and do not conflict with each other. Then discuss with them how you can constructively resolve conflicts or disputes.

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Hope Rising has been shying away from holiday celebrations for some time now. family dinners. Her elder sister She made the girl unhappy at every meal. Sad comments regarding Hope's appearance and actions were heard with and without reason. One day, feeling her own impunity, my sister went too far and “dispatched” a terrible insult. The father of the Rising family was forced to ask the boorish woman to apologize. Otherwise, the offender had to leave the premises. The woman chose the second: taking her husband and children, she left with her head held high. The unwillingness to apologize put an end to the relationship between the two sisters. They did not communicate for 14 years, until their sister was diagnosed with cancer. Only a terrible illness helped the women get closer again.

Childhood grievances only intensify with age

This happens in many families where brothers and sisters, having become adults, stop all communication. Sometimes grievances stored in the soul since childhood only intensify with age. Someone is suddenly struck by the realization that there has never been love for this person, close by blood. They simply lived side by side, shared a common bedroom, toys, food, a roof over their heads. They had different interests, different social circles, and each of them sought to win the love of their mother or father. Now that each of them has their own life, there is no reason to pretend and pretend that the relationship has not cracked. If fate scattered them around different ends country, not one of them will leave their homes and go to see their brother or sister. And only occasionally, at the request of aging parents, can the family be reunited for a short time.

Some statistics

Statistically, the percentage of siblings who are completely estranged from each other is not that high. These are probably less than 5 percent. But Cornell University professor Carl Pillemer conducted a survey of respondents with brothers and sisters to assess their relationships. It is worth noting that the variability in the age of the respondents was great: from 18 to 65 years. And only 26 percent said they had a very supportive relationship with their blood relatives. 19 percent of respondents rated their attitude towards brothers and sisters as apathetic, and 16 percent of participants even indicated hostility.

Surprise from the experts

When University of Pittsburgh psychologist Daniel Shaw discussed research on adult sibling relationships on the airwaves, he was surprised by the number of negative calls from radio listeners. So many adults have talked about pain in relationships with loved ones. In most cases, resentment was provoked by some incident that could not force a person to step over his own pride. Some people require 20 or even 30 years of silence before deciding to reconnect with a sibling.

Attempts to explain alienation are not always necessary

But not all relatives have a reason to be offended. Some people don't need any reason to cover their alienation. If you ask a person who has lost contact with a brother or sister a question, he will immediately evade the answer. Sometimes he has something to hide, sometimes it is difficult to explain, sometimes the reason seems ridiculous. Many people are truly ashamed to admit what happened.

Ability to manage conflicts

As children, siblings are constantly competing with each other. They always fight if they suspect another child of stealing toys, and do not accept intrusion into their personal territory. back seat parent's car. University of Illinois psychologist Laurie Kramer argues that conflict resolution and resolution habits are established in childhood. And this will be an important achievement in the development of children.

Brothers and sisters who, after spending several years side by side with each other, never learned to smooth out conflict situations, are more likely to exist in alienation in adulthood. These people have no incentive to stay in constant contact. And any, even the most unremarkable event, can become the last straw that overflows the cup of patience. From now on, these people begin to avoid each other.

Distance depending on character traits

But psychotherapist Zhanna Safer, who runs her practice in New York, says that people prone to alienation from relatives are divided into two distinct types. While one half is extremely hostile toward siblings, the other half tends to complain constantly. They can remember events that happened decades ago and at every opportunity they bring out grievances. American Cheryl Booth has experienced both traits. She was the youngest of six children, but was late child. The sister, who remained the smallest before Cheryl's birth, did not immediately fall in love with the newborn. According to the girl, Cheryl should not have been born. From her very birth, our heroine was under constant pressure.

Later, in adolescence and young adulthood, her sister resented every event in Cheryl's life, whether it was performing in plays or deciding to convert to Buddhism. But one incident simply shocked the girl. Her abuser contacted her on the page in social network right on your birthday. She wrote a rant on Cheryl's wall, asking why do all people love her so much and why do so many people call her friend? This was followed by a note: “If only all these people knew the truth about this girl, they would never want to communicate with her. She's just a terrible person."

Fight for mom's love

To some extent, evolution is to blame for sibling hostility. Children compete for parental love and attention, for the unspoken title of best child in family. After all, this provides many additional advantages, in particular mother's care or various incentives. Psychologists believe that two hundred years ago, half of children were not so cruel to their brothers and sisters. But when the child realizes that the parent's favorite can achieve more, competition increases. According to experts, two-thirds of mothers have favorites. This forces children deprived of warmth to take desperate measures. In addition, children gradually become alienated from each other.

Based on your own status in life

However, as adults, some people forget their childhood grievances and look at them with a grin. Others accumulate alienation, causing resentment to slowly smolder in their hearts. The difference lies in what each individual was able to achieve in adulthood. If the deprived one in childhood parental love baby now successful career And full-fledged family, he no longer holds a grudge against his mother’s favorite. These people are not used to dwelling on the past and even to some extent enjoy the reputation of overcoming the outsider.

Break or build?

People who initiate alienation later feel deep regret. We have parents who spend 30 to 50 years with us, we have brothers and sisters who spend 50 to 80 years with us. These are the only people who remember our childhood. So do we really have nothing to tell them? It's time to turn the page and start the relationship from scratch.

7 chosen

I have two sisters. And there are no people in the world with whom it would be more difficult for me. But there are no people in the world with whom it would be easier for me. The relationship between sisters is a special world where they see right through you, where you don’t have to finish a sentence to be understood. You can not communicate with them for several months, and still they will never let you feel lonely. And for some reason, it is precisely these closest people who become worst enemies. Tomorrow will be celebrated International Family Day. In honor of this, let's think about why this happens. And in general, let's talk about brothers and sisters. So close. And so complex.

History tells us that, to put it mildly, difficult relationships often arise between brothers and sisters: both biblical, and ancient, and ancient Russian. Tomorrow, for example, according to Orthodox calendar, day of remembrance of the first Russian saints - princes Boris and Gleb, killed half brother. But no matter how often in history there were internecine wars between close relatives, the murder of a brother was always considered the worst sin.

There are a lot of strange things about sibling relationships today. They can have terrible conflicts with each other, but they will never hurt each other. There is even a paradoxical principle: only I can offend you. Therefore, in my opinion, common enemies at school and in the yard sometimes unite brothers or sisters better than any good upbringing.

Much, of course, depends on the age difference between the brothers or sisters. Psychologists say that the most conflictual relationships often develop between children who are close in age, for example, the same age. But there is another side - it’s easier to share secrets and problems with peers, to tell what you can’t tell your parents. So sometimes our brothers and sisters know us even better than mom and dad.

Causes of conflicts

Certainly, "every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way", and everyone family conflict has its own unique backstory. But very often problems in relationships between adult brothers and sisters come from childhood. Let's look at the most common causes of conflicts.

Rivalry

When there are several children in a family, they always share something. Toys, outfits, territory, love and attention from parents. Younger people often compete with older ones, trying to prove that they are better. Elders sometimes feel that younger parents they love more and are acutely worried about this. Sometimes this rivalry from childhood carries over into adulthood and poisons relationships.

Hidden grievances

A conversation between adult sisters can follow a rather paradoxical pattern. Starting with what movie to watch today, it may well end in an argument about who broke whose doll in childhood. Siblings who grew up together have a lot in common. Upbringing, manners, habits. And, of course, resentment. Sometimes, unfortunately, they are not forgotten and interfere with normal communication throughout your life.

Complexes of seniors and juniors

During childhood, children develop established roles. The elder one educates, teaches, scolds. The younger one obeys or rebels, but in any case often repeats after the older one, learns a lot from her and counts on her help. The problem is that not everyone is ready to reconsider these established relationships in adulthood, when the age difference between them has almost disappeared. The eldest continues to teach her life no less adult sister and treats her with a sense of superiority. The younger one, naturally, does not like this approach - she is already an adult, and she does not need teachers. Failure to reconsider the usual paradigm of relationships can ruin these relationships forever.

Brothers and sisters. Version 2.0

There are a lot of brothers and sisters among my friends. They have a great relationship common hobbies and friends, many even decided to work together. At the same time, I don’t know a single brotherly or sisterly couple who would say that this peace and idyll have reigned in their relationship since childhood. On the contrary, everyone admits that they swore terribly, had conflicts and often fought. Elders complain that they were forced "these uncontrollable little ones", and the younger ones claim that they grew up in an aggressive environment where they had to "fight for survival."

However, of these difficult relationship has developed in the future strong friendship. The secret is that, as you grow up, you need to reconsider or, as it is fashionable to say, reboot old relationships. Let all the grievances, complaints and familiar but uncomfortable frameworks remain in the previous version social roles. And then it turns out that a sister or brother is very interesting person, with whom there is something to talk about and from whom there is something to learn. And it will also turn out that this particular person with whom it is sometimes so difficult for you to understand each other, actually understands you much better than all the other people in the world.

My sisters and I had terrible fights when we were kids. But that’s not what I remember most. And the fact is that if one of us was punished, others would definitely come up and feel sorry for us and try to calm us down. This support and the impossibility of betrayal - it seems to me that this is distinguishing feature sisterhood. Let you evaluate the value of this not immediately, but after many years.

And sisters cannot be deceived. How many times have I been convinced to play "Mafia" impossible with them. You can't fool them.

Let's call our sisters and brothers and tell them something good. Just like that, for no reason. Because they deserve it.

Do you have brothers or sisters? Did you fight a lot as a child? What is your relationship with them now?