How to stop crying over grades. Five main school problems and how to help your child cope with them

Admission to a university is a difficult task, the implementation of which takes a lot of effort, time and nerves. However, after you have received the coveted student card, it often turns out that everything that follows will not be any easier. A fundamentally different system for acquiring knowledge and monitoring its assimilation (compared to school) and simply huge amounts of work often lead to problems with studies and even with psychological balance. We must admit that sometimes such sad stories go very far. “Where to Study and Work” spoke with Artem Shapiro, a practicing psychologist, president of the Association of Practical Psychologists “GIPNART”, a full member of the European Academy of Natural Sciences and an honorary doctor of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences. We discussed unnecessary perfectionism, adult responsibility for one’s life and education, and tried to find out the answer to the question: what to do if your child is a poor student.

- To begin with, please give an overview comment on psychological problems with studying. It seems that everyone, from C students to excellent students, faces this problem. At the same time, some are terribly worried and even leave the university, while others cope calmly. How much does this depend on the person himself, and how much on the circumstances?

- Yes, indeed, many young people face difficulties in their studies. The reasons for this can be very diverse. However, most often these are problems with self-organization. The student delays preparing for exams and does not complete assignments on time. All this, by the way, may be a consequence of an unfinished teenage crisis. Not everyone, after graduating from school, knows what they want to do in the future, so they choose a profession under the influence of their parents, and not based on their own desires. This leads to a childish attitude towards learning and resistance to adult life.

One of my good friends said that college is not a school; you won’t graduate in 11 years. It is the psychological unpreparedness for adult life and the inability to communicate with peers that results in many problems in learning.

Of course, circumstances should not be discounted either. If you have to go to a university in another city and start living on your own, away from your parents and friends, it’s really hard. An additional difficulty is combining study and work. After all, students often have to earn their own living...

However, I believe that a lot really depends on the person. Try to prepare yourself for the fact that university is not only about mastering a profession, but also a kind of transitional stage to adulthood. This is an excellent opportunity to learn how to overcome difficulties, build relationships in a team, and take responsibility for your own destiny. These skills will be no less useful than professional skills. This view of learning problems will make it psychologically easier and calmer to cope with difficulties. After all, this is just another stage of growing up.

- What are the main reasons for worries? What is the most common? How much does this have to do with raising a child and the general climate in the family?

- Experiences can be associated with the teacher’s assessment of the student and with relationships in the team. Of course, the student’s self-esteem is also important. All experiences are purely individual and depend on personality characteristics, previous experience and the family climate you mentioned. But you can depend on someone’s opinion all your life, or you can develop self-confidence, that is, begin to focus less on third-party assessments, while listening to them, but not considering them something super important.

We have already talked about psychological maturation, and this is one of its necessary stages. The grades on your report card also do not reflect your potential and abilities. There are known scientists who were far from the best students, and this did not stop them from achieving heights in science. Don't attach too much importance to this - and you can avoid unnecessarily strong experiences.

- What should you do if you find yourself in the situation of “mom, I have five tests this week, I’m not ready for anything - how not to go crazy”?

- First of all, calm down. They don’t go crazy over tests, but they suffer a lot from strong worries and worries. It’s better to focus on the next competition and try to be as prepared as possible for it. Solving problems as they arise is a good strategy in this case. Remember the saying “The eyes are afraid, but the hands are doing”? Most likely, everything will not be as scary as it seems. Moreover, we all have much greater capabilities and resources than we ourselves think. My experience in conducting online training to reveal a person’s internal psychological resources shows that its participants solve learning problems much easier and faster. This suggests that we all have sufficient potential for this. And the calmer you are, the more this potential can manifest itself.

- What advice could you give to parents who suddenly find out that their son/daughter is not doing as well as they expected? What are the classic mistakes moms and dads make?

- A very instructive story is about Thomas Edison, who was considered limited at school and was even called weak-minded and incapable of learning. His mother began teaching Thomas independently at home. As you know, Edison became one of the greatest inventors. So my main advice to parents is to keep faith in their children and do everything so that their children believe in themselves.
I'll tell you a tragic story. The student, having failed the exam, committed suicide. She was afraid that her parents would be disappointed in her. Of course, parents would give anything to see their child alive and healthy. And what difference does it make whether she graduated from college or not? Make sure your children know that you love and appreciate them, regardless of success or failure.

- How to avoid crazy perfectionism about studying and work calmly at your own pace, without driving yourself into a corner?

- This is a very fashionable topic now. And, of course, on the Internet you can find many recommendations from psychologists on how to make life easier for a perfectionist. We devoted a significant part of our conversation to growing up. Another aspect of it that will help a perfectionist is the awareness of the imperfections of our earthly life. The constant striving for ideals can result in significant psychological stress. It can also result in postponing the completion of educational assignments due to uncertainty in their flawless execution. However, perfectionism also has positive sides if you learn to use the desire for perfection wisely. Set yourself specific deadlines for completing tasks. After all, you can strive for the ideal endlessly, but you need to accustom yourself to discipline. To work at your own pace without driving yourself into a corner, make a schedule for studying and preparing for the session. And don't forget to include time for rest in this schedule.

Interviewed by Anna Glebova

A small child perceives “5” or “4” not just as a mark, but as an assessment of his personality - whether I am good or bad. It is not without reason that in some pedagogical systems they abandon grades altogether, so as not to create unnecessary reasons for... How adequately a child can perceive assessments depends, for the most part, on the family. After all, sometimes parents forget that not only the result is important, but also participation, and studying is a process of obtaining not so much grades as knowledge.

In addition, grades are always subjective: the result may be affected by the teacher’s anxiety or attitude. But often the child’s perception of grades is influenced by the parents’ attitude towards them, and the latter, in turn, can be divided into several types.

Anxious parents. Most often, anxious parents worry about grades: for them, it is an indicator of their child’s success, and, therefore, it is their assessment as an effective or ineffective parent: in other words, how their contribution to the child was assessed by society. “For such mothers and fathers, a bad grade is catastrophic - if he has a “2”, it means that I am a bad parent,” explains Anna Fateeva, a child psychologist at the Crisis Center for Assistance to Women and Children.

Authoritarian parents. The situation with grades is no less difficult for children of demanding, controlling, critical parents. Often such people are forced to rewrite the assignment until it is perfect; they meet a grade of four, and even more so a grade of three in the diary, with stern silence, lectures, or punishments. The child begins to fear evaluations, especially if he has already encountered punishment - physical or emotional.

Narcissistic parents. It also happens that it is important for parents to present the child’s results to the public: to be proud, to brag, to brag, and then the parents - obviously or not - convey to the child: “If you are not successful, you do not live up to our expectations, we don’t need you like that.” Here we are dealing with a situation of rejection, which, accordingly, will lead to excessive and panic before showing the diary to the parents.

Compassionate parents. Some overprotective mothers are inclined and ready to alleviate his suffering at any moment. With them, children quickly understand: if you cry after you get a bad grade, not only will they not scold you, but they will even pat you on the head, feel sorry for you and buy you a chocolate bar. Now the baby uses this method every time just to be on the safe side.

The source of the problem may not only be the family, but also the school environment: an overly strict teacher or a competitive classroom environment can also provoke an exaggerated reaction to grades. In this case, the child begins to fear that his classmates will not accept him because of his poor performance.

Daria Dmitrieva

psychologist at the Crisis Center for Women and Children

What to do if your child worries too much about grades?

When a child is just starting out, his fear of grades is almost certainly due to the fact that he does not know what reaction to expect from his parents, and therefore experiences anxiety. If this is no longer a small child and the negative reaction to assessments has become systematic, then the situation requires attention.

“Try to understand why the child is so worried about grades,” advises psychologist Daria Dmitrieva. – Afraid that mom will swear? He ashamed? Does he think he's stupid? Did the guys laugh at him? Did the teacher insult him? In each individual case, the approach to the problem will be different.”

However, we can try to give some general recommendations.

1. From the first grade, teach your child to have the right attitude towards learning.“I’m pleased when you get an A, but other grades aren’t the end of the world.” You shouldn’t say: “Oh, you got a B? Are you stupid? Here I am at your age...” The child should be told that “4” does not convey anything bad about his personality, character, etc. This is just one of the tools for measuring knowledge.

2. Explain to your child that he has the right to make mistakes. Perhaps the child is embarrassed to say that he did not understand the topic, or cannot, or it is due to absences due to illness. It is important to support kids so that they are not afraid to say: “I don’t understand, please explain.”

3. Don't compare your child with other children who do better. This is at least unconstructive. If you want, compare today’s results with your child’s successes yesterday: “Look, you’ve learned to write this word without mistakes,” “Look, you’re already writing essays better.”

Hello, my name is Lena, I am 15 years old. I have a problem - I worry too much about grades. I have always studied and now I study with straight A's, my classmates respect me and are confident that I always know everything. Lately, getting any other grade, even a four, is like a disaster for me - I get very upset, cry and think for a long time that I could have gotten a 5, but got a different grade. At the beginning of February, I was sick for a long time and, naturally, when I came to school, it was a little difficult for me to get back on track, since a lot of material was missed, because of this I received several Bs. And even though I’ve now caught up with the program, I practically don’t raise my hand in class, even if I know the correct answer to a question, because it still seems to me that it’s wrong, I’ll embarrass myself, and everyone will laugh at me. I get very nervous during tests and tests or when I answer at the board, because of this I start to stammer and get even more nervous, because... I’m starting to feel like I’m making mistakes with my answers and answering uncertainly. Tell me, what should I do to not worry so much?

I'm too worried

Elena, it is advisable to deal with the fears that are hidden behind this - http://psiholog-dnepr.com.ua/terapiya-strakha

When fears cease to occupy the first place in your life, confidence and faith in your strength will appear - http://psiholog-dnepr.com.ua/be-your-own-therapist/diary-confidence

Sincerely, Svetlana Kiselevskaya, master’s degree, psychologist - face-to-face, Skype, telephone

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Elena! Your difficulties are understandable; it would be nice to work through your negative state. I invite you to my website, let me send you one of my articles. Good luck*

Fear of Public Speaking Posted in Articles | February 2, 2014

In this article I want to tell you what may be hiding behind this problem. And to show how easily you can solve something that a person has been living with for many years.

This problem also affected my client from Moscow, a successful girl who was fulfilled in her work and held a good position. Due to the nature of her work, she had to speak in public, and this is where problems began.

So, the first problem was called “I’m afraid of being ridiculed.” And the main memory came from the client’s age of 11, when she, as a schoolgirl, along with other children had to perform at a school event and dance. But the dance was poorly prepared, and there was an embarrassment.

This situation has not let the girl go until now. Now we have pulled out the clamp that has lived in it all these years.

Next, I, as an experienced psychologist, modeled her state during a public speech, and it turned out that there was a reaction throughout the body. She said the following: “I’m clenching, my stomach is twisting, and there’s grumbling.” I asked her what she wanted instead, and she answered: “openness, and an interest in public speaking.”

Having received this, we reconnected to the body, and the client felt the following problem: something pinched in her chest, she pulled out a virtual paper clip. When I asked: who owns this? She answered - *to mom*, everything was clear here, we didn’t even bother to analyze this situation, since it was a piece of some kind of parental order, and it went away easily, because instead the client filled herself up, saying the following: “more love towards yourself and admiration for yourself.”

And the last condition that I had to analyze, like a good psychologist, was the following: dry mouth: “I can’t speak, I have a lisp. I remember a situation when I had to speak in front of a jury, there were 12 of them, and I was so excited that everyone noticed it and offered me a glass of water to calm me down.”

Here everything was already easy and simple, we removed this state, making positive changes, filling the girl with faith in success.

And upon further checking - rehearsing her new behavior, it became clear that the problem had completely exhausted itself.

Afanasyeva Liliya Veniaminovna, psychologist Moscow

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Do you know why grades should exist? They must, must (2x) show the result of your work over a certain period of time. Semester credit - the result of work for the semester. Wed per topic - per month, etc.

But grades are not always given fairly. If you know 90% of all the material that goes according to the school curriculum, then you have nothing to worry about. If not, and the grade is fair (even if it’s “bad” for you), then pull it up, this is what life teaches: to learn from mistakes, yours and others’.

If you ask “adult guys” who really think like adults, they will say that from school you will need a maximum of 20% of the material, but school teaches not only knowledge (Pythagorean theorems, Mendeleev’s chemical elements), it teaches life.

One day, mathematics teacher Jeremy Kuhn was asked a question that each of us puzzled over: “where will all these sines, cosines, integrals, and all other algebra and geometry be useful to me?” Unlike most of his colleagues, Jeremy was not at a loss and named 5 reasons why mathematics is important.

1. Mathematics teaches you to admit your mistakes. And not just recognize them, but also move forward in order to finally win the long-awaited victory over an insoluble task. Let's say Carl and Clara are standing over an equation written on the blackboard. Clara is sure that the equation is solved correctly, but Karl knows for sure that it is not. An hour passes, during which the two switch roles: Clara believes that the equation is wrong, and Karl stomps his feet and calls Clara an incredible dumbass. Fantastic situation? But mathematicians encounter this almost every day. Ask any teacher what to do if the problem cannot be solved. The answer will be very simple: “Start over and try to take a different path. And most importantly, don’t worry about the mistake you made, because it was the one that ultimately set you on the right track.”

2. Mathematics helps you choose precise and correct words. Precision is a courtesy of all mathematicians. It is quite difficult to argue with this, because each term and each phenomenon has its own very clear definition. Remember how teachers forced us to memorize the definitions of geometric figures or, for example, the conditions of the Pythagorean theorem? At school, we had no idea where this knowledge could be useful to us, but let's think: do we always pronounce words without doubting their meaning for a second? Can you, without hesitation, answer what peace is, what happiness is or what love is? Will your answers to these questions coincide with the answers of your family and friends? And most importantly, can you name something that does not have an exact definition?

3. Mathematics teaches you to think several steps ahead. Solving a math problem is like playing chess. Any wrong, careless step can lead to catastrophic consequences. How often have you been stymied while doing algebra homework because you put a minus instead of a plus? Even the tiniest mistake can disrupt all plans and become a huge obstacle on the way to your cherished dream. And mathematics teaches us to be attentive and responsible for our own actions. Not a little, right?

4. Mathematics teaches you to never give up. After all, if you don’t solve a problem, someone else will definitely solve it. So why not be the first?

5. “What I am saying now is false” - This is exactly what the famous “liar paradox” sounds like, which describes exactly what is happening in modern science. Many theorems, rules and axioms that were previously considered true, but now no longer work. This means that you shouldn’t blindly trust even the most authoritative opinion until you figure it out yourself. Scientists call this “reasonable skepticism,” which mathematics teaches us so well.

PySy. Sorry for the mistakes, I'm just a crest.

Kids spend most of their active childhood at school. And if for some, only math homework causes difficulties, then for others, school becomes synonymous with problems, bad mood and all kinds of suffering. The reason for a spoiled impression of the first education can be many things: poor relationships with classmates or teachers, poor academic performance... What to do if you understand that your child is faced with problems that make attending school a torture?

Problem: Your child worries too much about bad grades.

Your son or daughter comes home from school in tears, to the question “what happened?” does not answer, hides his eyes, refuses to show the diary... As a result, it turns out that this behavior is due to the fact that he got a D (or C) at school. And this happens every time the teacher gives a grade below an “A”.

What to do:
Almost certainly, such a deep upset of a child with a bad grade is closely related to the expectations that you yourself verbally or non-verbally convey. Some parents directly say, “You should only get straight A’s in your studies,” others hint, “I wish your diary was as beautiful as your friend Petya’s.” In both cases, the child feels obligated to study “excellently,” especially if such veiled or not-so-veiled phrases often pop up in your speech. But not everyone succeeds in being an excellent student and not always.

Therefore, the first thing you need to do to help your child worry less about bad grades is to stop focusing on them. Praise your child for his achievements - for example, for how beautiful his handwriting has become, how quickly he solved a math problem, with what expression he read a poem, and not for getting straight A's. You must convey that good grades are great, but the main thing is real knowledge, and even more important is interest in learning and the effort made. Only for this you need to believe in it yourself.

Problem: the child is being bullied by classmates

The sad reality is that almost every modern classroom has its own “outcast.” They offend him, they laugh at him, they don’t give him a pass, both literally and figuratively. Often the reason for the ridicule and ridicule of classmates is some “feature” of the child that distinguishes him from the rest. Being too tall, overweight, dressing differently, having a different eye shape or skin color, studying too well or too poorly, not eating meat - anything can be the cause of bullying.

What to do:
Do not interfere “directly”. If you decide to “have the talk” with children who bully your son or daughter, you will only make the situation worse. Because you physically cannot be there all the time while your child is at school, and as soon as you leave, they will start teasing him also because “mommy stands up for him.”

Giving your child advice and lecturing on what he should do in such a situation is also not effective. Because we give advice from an “adult” position - if the child had our confidence, knowledge and strength, perhaps he would not have any problems.

In this situation, you can only do one thing - provide maximum support to the child. Listen to him when he wants to complain, tell him how much you love him. And try to find for him a society of people like him, where his peculiarity will be appreciated and not rejected. If a child talks too much and makes faces, send him to the theater; if he is too tall for his age, send him to the basketball section. Seeing that he is not the only one, the child will become less ashamed of his “peculiarity”, and quite likely, he will begin to be proud of it, and other people’s ridicule will no longer hurt him. And as soon as the gun fails to reach the target, it stops firing.

If the situation only worsens over time and reaches the point of assault, you may need to think about transferring your child to another school. An extra half hour of travel or a not so high rating in certain subjects is not as scary as a child’s destroyed psyche.

Problem: the child has no friends at school

Problems with relationships at school are not always related to the fact that someone is offending the child - sometimes they are simply ignored. If classmates do this on purpose, you should “fight” in the same ways as with active “assaults,” but more often than not, a child’s lack of friends at school is still associated with his natural modesty. This problem is often faced by children who have moved to a new school, where they have already formed their own groups and interest groups. And, if for an active and lively child joining a new environment is not a problem, then a shy one will stand on the sidelines, not daring to approach and talk to the new company.

What to do:
First, make sure that the desire to have friends belongs to your child, not you. Most children feel the need to belong to a group, but there are exceptions to every rule—your child may be one of them. If your little schoolchild really wants to make friends with someone, but cannot, help him - arrange some fun event to which you invite other children.
Outside of school, in a situation where they are interested and pleasant, children are usually more inclined to make contacts - and will not mind playing with your son or daughter.

If you don’t have time to organize picnics and hikes, try inviting the parents of one of your classmates to visit. After all, it doesn't hurt to make friends in the school environment either. Ask your new acquaintances to take their child to visit so that yours doesn’t get bored. And be sure to come up with some kind of bonding, exciting activity that the children can do together - assembling a new construction set, building a fort out of pillows, brushing the dog, anything that they can do together.

Problem: overloaded schedule, child gets tired and cannot cope with the load

Teachers complain that your child sleeps in class. At home, he refuses not only to help around the house, but also to play, because he is too tired and wants to rest. Or maybe he doesn’t have time to play at all, because after school he not only needs to do his homework, but also go to a horse riding lesson, and then work out with a Spanish teacher...

What to do:
Reduce your parental ambitions - almost always, when a child is on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to overwork, it turns out that, in addition to school, he attends several different clubs and sports sections. Taking care of the comprehensive development of a child is good and correct, but only as long as his physical and psychological health does not suffer.

Try giving up piano lessons, at least temporarily, and not taking your son or daughter to a private chess teacher three times a week. Observe your child: has he become more cheerful, cheerful, active? If not, he may need more time to recover. It would also be a good idea to check whether fatigue and nervous exhaustion are caused by a lack of vitamins in the body.

If, in addition to school, your child has no additional loads, and teachers still complain about his inattention, you may need to check your child for attention deficit disorder. With ADHD (as the syndrome is called for short), due to neurological characteristics, the child has difficulty concentrating on something and cannot maintain attention for a long time, which affects school performance. Children with this syndrome need special help in learning information.

Problem: the teacher does not like the child for some reason and lowers grades for no reason.

In an ideal world, teachers should be impartial, assess the true level of the child’s knowledge, without paying attention to their personal likes and dislikes. But in reality, alas, quite the opposite often happens. And the teacher chooses his “favorites” and “boys (girls) for whipping.” Moreover, children who are famous for bad behavior or do not know the subject are not always among the “unfavourites”. It’s just that, for example, the teacher loves active children who always reach out and strive to answer any of her questions, and those who calmly sit back (perhaps because, due to their temperament, they do not strive to “get ahead”) by default puts them “a step lower.” "

What to do:
First, try to “scout the situation.” Talk to the parents of other children - how does this teacher treat them? Are they complaining about her? Perhaps something globally is going wrong for a particular teacher in his life, and he “takes it out” on the children. In this case, you should contact the director and solve the problem administratively - change the teacher for the whole class.

If your guess that the teacher does not like your child specifically is confirmed, try to talk openly with her. The main thing is not to start with threats or negativity. It will be much better for both you and your child if you manage to resolve the conflict peacefully. Ask what Vasya needs to do to improve his grades? Say that you feel that your son is not “suited” to her subject - what could she advise to improve the situation? Tell us about the characteristics of your child - maybe, having realized that he does not raise his hand not because he knows nothing, but because he is phlegmatic by temperament, she will begin to ask him more often herself - and make sure that he knows everything better than many.

If, despite all your conversations, the teacher will not leave your child alone, use this case as an example, telling your child that this happens in life - even if we try very hard and do everything well, others do not always appreciate it adequately . Praise your child and tell him that you are sure that he knows mathematics (literature, English) better than many, and if the grades do not reflect this knowledge, it is not his fault.

In general, when a child complains to you about something that is happening at school (and not only there), try to hear not only words, but also emotions. Listen to everything your baby has to say and verbalize the feelings you think he is experiencing. “I think you’re very upset,” and shut up. The child himself will let you know whether you “guessed” correctly or not, and most importantly, he will receive “permission” to express everything that has accumulated in his soul. Such deep emotional contact is the best thing you can give your child if there is a problem of any nature.

You can also remind him more often that he is wonderful and you love him, and school is just one stage of a long, long life. Former bullies and harmful teachers will remain a thing of the past, and he will definitely meet those who will appreciate all his wonderful qualities.

Photo - photobank Lori