How not to go crazy from guardianship and give your son the freedom to find himself in life. Adult son does not want to work

Here it is, happiness ... This is what all mothers think when they take their baby in their arms for the first time. However, time passes, periods of "tummies" and "teeth" are replaced by bumps and bruises, followed by strikes about studies and the first romantic (and not so) experiences.

And when it seems that the child has finally grown up, expects many an unpleasant surprise: turns out, folk wisdom“little kids are little troubles” is absolutely true. Your adult son began to give you much more trouble than in childhood.

Rudeness and secrecy

More often, mothers complain about the rudeness of their sons and their secrecy. A young man or a man categorically does not want to trust them with his experiences, but the mother's heart is sensitive and feels all the changes in the life and behavior of a beloved child. Patience is enough for a couple of days, but then the mother begins, and sometimes does not stop, attempts to talk heart to heart.

Everything seems to be fine, because the questions are quite innocent - “how are you” or “what happened”, and the time was chosen right, right after dinner ... But for some reason, the son is silent at first, and a little later he begins to be impudent or frankly rude, and only tears his mother's eyes briefly stop him. What's wrong?

The solution to the problem of rudeness is simple: remember that you are a girl and he is a boy. The difference in age or social status means absolutely nothing, male or female. feminine is nature itself. And she gave her creations not only different set chromosomes, but also completely different hormonal levels.

Men due to testosterone and adrenaline are more impatient, aggressive and uncompromising. “Pour out your sorrows” is for young ladies, and not for the sons of Mars: they are generally sure that talking about peace of mind is complete nonsense, and they don’t consider this a problem.

Now let's practice: imagine that you are being pestered with the question “Why wash the dishes?” You hinted three times that you are not interested in the topic, moreover, you are terribly tired. The question is repeated again, but under a different sauce: “Why wash the dishes?”, And so ten more times.

How will your patience be tested? Either run away, or "explode" and send the opponent somewhere, but away from you. So an adult son feels after “how are you” and “what happened”.

What to do? Be patient and remember that your child is already an adult. He can solve his problems on his own, and heart-to-heart conversations are deeply alien to men. It is clear that such a simple action is difficult to perform, but a normal mother has a very trained nervous system.

You will have to put yourself and your feelings back in first place from the end, and make the obvious and very unpopular decision not to interfere in the private life of a man, even if he is your son.

Doesn't want to work, wants money

How is it with the classics - “horses die from work”? And you, mother, are you still alive?.. Believe me, your parasite son knows perfectly well that in any case he will receive food and shelter, even if he does nothing. After all, you love him so much that you forgive absolutely everything! Dear baby, he simply has not grown up to understand that a man should provide for his family, he has such poor health ...

And his nerves are really bad, he always experiences such failures in finding a job ... The boss, an ugly type, did not forgive him even the smallest things ... Familiar? Apparently yes. Like? If “no”, we are looking for a way out, if “yes”, we continue to feed and love, hoping for the best.

What to do? First: first we finish lisping. The child is fully formed physically and mentally, ready for all situations, including supporting himself and helping you. This is important to understand. Second: we mercilessly break the comfort zone that envelops your son. To do this, we change our behavior, preferably radically - we stop indulging whining and at least we cut portions for lunch.

Most importantly: be sure and defiantly reduce your work activity! Let him wash his own socks, washes the dishes and cooks if your cooking no longer suits him. Otherwise, it will become overgrown with dirt and lose some weight, and after listening to your complaints about the lack of time and money for the hundredth time, it will at least start running outside and breathing fresh air.

No joke: a woman, even if she is a mother, is obliged to keep a man in good shape precisely due to her weakness, otherwise there may be nothing left of his creed. You say tough? But it works.

Started to study, but suddenly stopped going to classes

What is the reason? I liked it - I didn’t like it ... You won’t believe it, but it’s exactly like that! Men always do only what they want, unlike women who do what they must, literally in the "background", without even noticing. Do you think about dishes a lot when you wash them? Surely you sing songs or remember what you haven’t done yet.

And a man completely surrenders to any occupation, with all his soul and body. If he does not like it, and the background mode characteristic only of the female psyche “does not turn on”, then the representative of the stronger sex begins to slip away like a first-grader and run away from an unpleasant task or sabotage its implementation.

What to do? Try to help your son find the attractive aspects of studying. Naturally, from his point of view, not from yours. You know your child, you know his system of material and spiritual values. It sounds pompous, but in fact you can’t say it better. For example, he loves sports cars. Strengthen your motivation, for starters, give a model of the right brand, let him admire it.

Wait a bit, then drop a couple of phrases like: “You know, today I saw Vita's mother. He has already graduated and he was hired, he is getting decently. He is going to buy a car ... How quickly time has flown by! Or something like that, but always with a slight sigh at the end and a phrase about time.

For what? Your son will think a little about the car, and with Vitya they generally studied in the same class, and your grades were better. And then there's "time flew by quickly." Conclusions: he is no worse, and even much better than Viti (rivalry), you need to study (otherwise you won’t see the desired car), and some discomfort with studying is worth it, especially since the time before the diploma will pass very quickly (the comfort zone has been restored). So the scheme is simple.

My son does not leave the computer, he constantly plays

Live in virtual world attracts with limitless possibilities, and almost no effort is required, except to click the mouse ... If "in real life" your adult son is dissatisfied with himself, does not receive or is unable to receive what he (in his opinion) deserves, then going into virtuality is natural.

Toys with gorgeous graphics, friends and clans, omnipotence. Even if they kill, it doesn’t matter, there are lives in reserve; the girl went to her rival - nothing, the lioness from the neighboring pride has been making eyes for a long time ...

All problems in the painted world are solved simply, unlike the present, and nothing is scary. Moreover: even the name is made up, you can change it at any time, and no one will recognize you. Mistakes are forgiven, retribution is symbolic, and life is eternal. Who would refuse such a thing? That is why adult sons choose the game in order to prolong the period of irresponsibility and impunity, as in early childhood. Why?

Because they are afraid of the irreversibility that is so characteristic of the real world. A dead friend cannot be returned, the girl went to another and also - not returned, the years pass and change the world, which will never be the same. Scary to say the least. But you won’t be able to play hide and seek with yourself forever, sooner or later you will have to emerge and look reality in the eye. Cowardice is the worst sin. This is what Yeshua said at Bulgakov's, and this is confirmed by life.

Of course, you shouldn't be as harsh with your son about his temporary weakness, but the truth is that your child is afraid to live. What to do? Remember the times when you punished him for mistakes or criticized his appearance, compared (not in his favor) with other boys. Perhaps you are a too domineering mother, who repeatedly encroached on his independence and as a result received a computer zombie ...

If it's not too late, try to awaken in your son a taste for life. Remember what he really loves and values, and remind him of this without criticizing and merging into his current world. To get started, just put fragrant tea and something tasty next to the computer, always smelling good, and silently leave.

You can smell the smell without looking at the bun, and get a little distracted from the game. Stay next time, exchange a few words.

Everything is reminiscent of taming, small steps to restore trust. And if the son trusts you, he will go: first by the hand, like a little one, and then - into life.

Then let him go himself, and you will be happy for your adult son ... Good luck to him and to you.

Child's age: 18

Adult son wants nothing

Good afternoon Maybe you can no longer help me, because. my legal son is already an adult, but still I think that help in solving our problem will help many families where teenagers live. whole year(after leaving school) the son practically does not leave them at home. Doesn't want anything. Eat, sleep, sit at the computer, play with toys, take out the trash, help prepare meals, clean up the house, that's all. Conversations, scandals, persuasion - no result. He accuses us (parents) of not teaching him anything. Doesn’t want to study, can’t decide on a specialty, work? - "I don't want to communicate with anyone, I don't know how to go, what to ask, I can't go alone, but with mom or dad - ashamed, already big." Even going to buy clothes is a problem - he says "I don't care what to wear, buy at least something." He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he's a virgin. After the 9th grade, they moved to another city, studied at cadet corps 10th and 11th grade, passed the exam well and stupor. Says he got stuck around 14 summer age. The son's self-esteem is clearly underestimated, the family is complete, his parents are intellectuals with higher education, no friends. And now it is not clear how to get him out of the house. I persuade him to go to a psychologist, but he does not go. Help me please.

Natalia

Natalia, there are several in your question important points. Firstly, you are right that your son is no longer a child, but an adult man. It is very good that both you and your son understand this.

Secondly, this is a very common problem in modern society- unemployed adult children.

The situation is complicated by the fact that your son is an adult in terms of age and capabilities, but behaves like a teenager. This usually causes confusion for parents and other adults who have a lot of experience in early independent living.

Determine for yourself with your husband what behavior and direction of development of your son you support. If you want to have a child, then continue to want to become independent and successful for him, continue to buy him clothes, things, leave him the opportunity to be dependent on you, pity him as a little unfortunate little man. Do everything so that he needs you and lives in such a way that you have the need to take care of him, push him out of the house, but not so that he risks living his life by himself, collecting bumps.

If you want an adult man to appear in the house, with his own opinion, character, with his own will, and he will act according to his own understanding, and you will not always like it, then you agree with your son how you can live with him further on one territory. How much money do you need from him to pay utilities, for food. Make reasonable demands on him as a separate independent person with his own life.

To do this, you need to make a powerful change in your own mind, to see in your son a man, and in yourself not only a mother, but a separate woman with her own interests, needs, including money, which you are now sorely lacking. To do this, you may need to increase your spending on health, on a hobby, on repairs, on vacation, or on the same psychologist from whom you will wean yourself from controlling your son.

If your son has no desire to become independent person, then nothing will push him to this, except for changing his life situation where to turn.

Parents need a lot of strength to give their son a magic pendel. Squeeze your feelings of guilt, shame, pity for him into a fist. Usually, it is the role of the father to firmly grow up the children and even more so the son. If your husband is trying to do this, then just step back and don't interfere with him.

Sincerely, Sofia.

Anna Zubkova, specialist

Here it is, happiness ... This is what all mothers think when they take their baby in their arms for the first time. However, time passes, periods of "tummies" and "teeth" are replaced by bumps and bruises, followed by strikes about studies and the first romantic (and not so) experiences.

And when it seems that the child has finally matured, an unpleasant surprise awaits many: it turns out that the folk wisdom “little children are little troubles” is absolutely true. Your adult son began to give you much more trouble than in childhood.

Rudeness and secrecy

More often, mothers complain about the rudeness of their sons and their secrecy. A young man or a man categorically does not want to trust them with his experiences, but the mother's heart is sensitive and feels all the changes in the life and behavior of a beloved child. Patience is enough for a couple of days, but then the mother begins, and sometimes does not stop, attempts to talk heart to heart.

Everything seems to be fine, because the questions are quite innocent - “how are you” or “what happened”, and the time was chosen right, right after dinner ... But for some reason, the son is silent at first, and a little later he begins to be impudent or frankly rude, and only tears his mother's eyes briefly stop him. What's wrong?

The solution to the problem of rudeness is simple: remember that you are a girl and he is a boy. The difference in age or social status means absolutely nothing, the masculine or feminine principle is nature itself. And she endowed her creations not only with a different set of chromosomes, but also with completely different hormonal levels.

Men due to testosterone and adrenaline are more impatient, aggressive and uncompromising. “Pour out your sorrows” is for young ladies, and not for the sons of Mars: they are generally sure that talking about peace of mind is complete nonsense, and they don’t consider it a problem.

Now let's practice: imagine that you are being pestered with the question “Why wash the dishes?” You hinted three times that you are not interested in the topic, moreover, you are terribly tired. The question is repeated again, but under a different sauce: “Why wash the dishes?”, And so ten more times.

How will your patience be tested? Either run away, or "explode" and send the opponent somewhere, but away from you. So an adult son feels after “how are you” and “what happened”.

What to do? Be patient and remember that your child is already an adult. He can solve his problems on his own, and heart-to-heart conversations are deeply alien to men. It is clear that such a simple action is difficult to perform, but a normal mother has a very trained nervous system.

You will have to put yourself and your feelings back in first place from the end, and make the obvious and very unpopular decision not to interfere in the private life of a man, even if he is your son.

Doesn't want to work, wants money

How is it with the classics - “horses die from work”? And you, mother, are you still alive?.. Believe me, your parasite son knows perfectly well that in any case he will receive food and shelter, even if he does nothing. After all, you love him so much that you forgive absolutely everything! Dear baby, he simply has not grown up to understand that a man should provide for his family, he has such poor health ...

And his nerves are really bad, he always experiences such failures in finding a job ... The boss, an ugly type, did not forgive him even the smallest things ... Familiar? Apparently yes. Like? If “no”, we are looking for a way out, if “yes”, we continue to feed and love, hoping for the best.

What to do? First: first we finish lisping. The child is fully formed physically and mentally, ready for all situations, including supporting himself and helping you. This is important to understand. Second: we mercilessly break the comfort zone that envelops your son. To do this, we change our behavior, preferably radically - we stop indulging whining and at least we cut portions for lunch.

Most importantly: be sure and defiantly reduce your work activity! Let him wash his own socks, washes the dishes and cooks if your cooking no longer suits him. Otherwise, it will become overgrown with dirt and lose some weight, and after listening to your complaints about the lack of time and money for the hundredth time, it will at least start running outside and breathing fresh air.

No joke: a woman, even if she is a mother, is obliged to keep a man in good shape precisely due to her weakness, otherwise there may be nothing left of his creed. You say tough? But it works.

Started to study, but suddenly stopped going to classes

What is the reason? I liked it - I didn’t like it ... You won’t believe it, but it’s exactly like that! Men always do only what they want, unlike women who do what they must, literally in the "background", without even noticing. Do you think about dishes a lot when you wash them? Surely you sing songs or remember what you haven’t done yet.

And a man completely surrenders to any occupation, with all his soul and body. If he does not like it, and the background mode characteristic only of the female psyche “does not turn on”, then the representative of the stronger sex begins to slip away like a first-grader and run away from an unpleasant task or sabotage its implementation.

What to do? Try to help your son find the attractive aspects of studying. Naturally, from his point of view, not from yours. You know your child, you know his system of material and spiritual values. It sounds pompous, but in fact you can’t say it better. For example, he loves sports cars. Strengthen your motivation, for starters, give a model of the right brand, let him admire it.

Wait a bit, then drop a couple of phrases like: “You know, today I saw Vita's mother. He has already graduated and he was hired, he is getting decently. He is going to buy a car ... How quickly time has flown by! Or something like that, but always with a slight sigh at the end and a phrase about time.

For what? Your son will think a little about the car, and with Vitya they generally studied in the same class, and your grades were better. And then there's "time flew by quickly." Conclusions: he is no worse, and even much better than Viti (rivalry), you need to study (otherwise you won’t see the desired car), and some discomfort with studying is worth it, especially since the time before the diploma will pass very quickly (the comfort zone has been restored). So the scheme is simple.

My son does not leave the computer, he constantly plays

Life in the virtual world attracts with limitless possibilities, and almost no effort is required, except to click with the mouse ... into virtuality is natural.

Toys with gorgeous graphics, friends and clans, omnipotence. Even if they kill, it doesn’t matter, there are lives in reserve; the girl went to her rival - nothing, the lioness from the neighboring pride has been making eyes for a long time ...

All problems in the painted world are solved simply, unlike the present, and nothing is scary. Moreover: even the name is made up, you can change it at any time, and no one will recognize you. Mistakes are forgiven, retribution is symbolic, and life is eternal. Who would refuse such a thing? Therefore, adult sons choose the game in order to prolong the period of irresponsibility and impunity, as in early childhood. Why?

Because they are afraid of the irreversibility that is so characteristic of the real world. A dead friend cannot be returned, the girl went to another and also - not returned, the years pass and change the world, which will never be the same. Scary to say the least. But you won’t be able to play hide and seek with yourself forever, sooner or later you will have to emerge and look reality in the eye. Cowardice is the worst sin. This is what Yeshua said at Bulgakov's, and this is confirmed by life.

Of course, you shouldn't be as harsh with your son about his temporary weakness, but the truth is that your child is afraid to live. What to do? Remember the times when you punished him for mistakes or criticized his appearance, compared (not in his favor) with other boys. Perhaps you are a too domineering mother, who repeatedly encroached on his independence and as a result received a computer zombie ...

If it's not too late, try to awaken in your son a taste for life. Remember what he really loves and values, and remind him of this without criticizing and merging into his current world. To get started, just put fragrant tea and something tasty next to the computer, always smelling good, and silently leave.

You can smell the smell without looking at the bun, and get a little distracted from the game. Stay next time, exchange a few words.

Everything is reminiscent of taming, small steps to restore trust. And if the son trusts you, he will go: first by the hand, like a little one, and then - into life.

Then let him go himself, and you will be happy for your adult son ... Good luck to him and to you.

I thought I had a good loving son, assistant and support (her husband died a few years ago).
They live separately, in an apartment inherited from his grandmother from the first day after the wedding. I did not climb when I could and needed to - I helped - and I lay with my granddaughter in the hospital, and walked, and took me to developmental games when my daughter-in-law was pregnant with her second granddaughter. Never showed up without asking. The bride is smart. I immediately told her that I could not help but advise, you listen to me, please, but you can do as you like, I will not be offended - you have your own life. She agrees, She made expensive gifts for her - from the bow - diamond and buoy earrings - for her granddaughters and so, always good gifts.
When my son left work in the spring (he was really tired of constant overloads and health problems began), I supported him - if you rest, you will find an even better job (and it happened)
This year I had an anniversary - 55 (I did not celebrate 50 due to circumstances, again because of my son, so this one turned out more important for me). And then I find out that my daughter-in-law and granddaughters are flying to Cyprus for my birthday.
The son joyfully told me about this - they say, what a fine fellow I am, what kind of family I care about. - I always tried to teach him to be responsible for the family, my little family. It turned out that he forgot about my DR ((. The daughter-in-law, however, got out, said that she remembered this, but I won’t celebrate the anniversary in the middle of the week - then they won’t be able to come to me. Therefore, they will return on Friday, and on Saturday I can invite them to my DR, despite the fact that our children organized this anniversary for all our relatives, and my son knew about it, but forgot.
Then, knowing that he was left without a job, I threw him a very decent amount - I said - you can - give it back, no - let it be a gift (my son is still growing, a student, I am a pensioner and the money is not superfluous) so that you can rest in peace summer and didn't feel embarrassed in front of his girls. (the work appeared, but didn’t give it away - but I didn’t really count on it right away. That is, I made him a gift for my anniversary. ((it turns out. And she asked him to put together a box for a garden bed from old boards - so that it wouldn’t be unprofitable for him, since he is unemployed .
And in the summer it's my daughter-in-law's birthday. And he invites us in on this occasion to a restaurant. And he gives her earrings with bryuliks - again looking around, proud of himself - am I not well done, am I not a daredevil. Everything has turned around for me!! And I don’t need these earrings - I myself gave her earrings with sapphires that day, and my mother also gave a pendant and a ring with precious stone. But like this - to me - a box of old boards - and to her by her relatives a restaurant and bruliki. I was shocked. And I realized that I have no one to rely on. In the fall, my grandmother with dementia fell down - we had to unload the apartment. Came and helped. then the nurse decided to throw out the carpet - it was necessary to take it to the dacha - so much displeasure already ....
And this is my kind, caring boy.
She suggested that they move closer to us so that they could help with their granddaughters, but, apparently, the daughter-in-law did not want to. Our grandmothers and grandchildren always helped us, but they lived in neighboring houses. and so I don’t want to lose 5 hours and it’s hard. This is their choice. Naturally, the mother-in-law began to come. But it's hard for her too. We immediately thought about how to move the mother-in-law closer to her (she is from the Moscow region).
I understand everything intellectually. But it's a shame. Especially since I'm alone. Although the second one is growing up nearby, this one is even more selfish. I can only live for myself, realizing that it will not be better. We communicate. Calls every day. Forgotten. But I try to remind myself that I can only count on myself. And I want to habitually give all the best that is. But now I stop myself.

* I have problems with my adult son - he does not work, does not strive for anything, he is 26. He sits on my neck at home, is not active. He drinks, watches porn often, turns it on loudly, I have to listen to everything. Not sociable, not contact. Education is, but sits at home. I closed myself in, I feed him, I sing him, and he, insolent, still makes claims to me, scolds me.
What should I do? How to help a child?

Hello Anna! let's see what's going on:

does not work, does not strive for anything, he is 26. He sits on my neck, at home, inactive. He drinks, watches porn often, turns it on loudly, I have to listen to everything. He doesn’t listen to comments. He buys wine, beer, turns on porn and sits, and I listen. Uncommunicative, uncommunicative.

he has no motivation and will not appear until you see a child in him and support him, saving him from the consequences of his own choice - he does not work, does nothing and you support him - at whose expense does he buy alcohol? who pays for his internet? who endures all this? You!

How to help a child?

You can no longer help him - you should see him as an ADULT person, and not a child who needs to explain something and try to help - with your help (what you contain), you essentially encourage his immaturity. There is only one way out - to separate him from himself, to leave and give him the opportunity to build his own life - let him face the consequences of his actions and inactions - that he needs to provide for himself and earn money on his own, and his mother will no longer save him from his own life! Now he has to take responsibility for his life, and you give it to him!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

Anna, good afternoon.

You will help your son by stopping supporting him. Why should he work if his mother feeds and waters him? By the fact that you provide it, you yourself, as it were, support its inaction.

How to help to kid?

As long as you consider him a child, he will behave like a little one.
You're probably thinking, "Well, why don't I give my boy a piece of bread and butter? He's my son." But he is no longer a child, he is an adult, has an education and is quite capable of supporting himself. Give him responsibility for his life.

Yarovaya Larisa Anatolyevna, psychologist Moscow

Anna, hello.

To find your place in society and start making money, a person needs to form a whole range of psychological skills and abilities. Normally, this occurs in adolescence between the ages of 7 and 17. During this period, he masters in practice the concepts of rights and obligations. At the same time, during the same period, a person encounters manifestations of sexuality and learns to master it, to correlate his desires with relationships with other people. IN teenage years a person also masters the basic skills of self-organization and control of their actions. To master all these skills, a teenager is helped, first of all, by his parents.

What is happening with your son shows, shows that he has a set of skills necessary for social adaptation either not sufficiently formed, or there are some significant flaws in it.

In order to move the situation in a favorable direction, you need to:

first, realize that easy solution is not here and cannot be.

secondly, you yourself need to start working with a psychologist. Yes Yes. Exactly to you. Because, in order to really hand over to the son the responsibility for his own life You will now have to change in your relationship with him those unfavorable forms of interaction that will close the way for him to a dependent existence. To do this, you will have to work with yourself. You will have to learn first of all love yourself and take care of yourself. You need to develop a healthy (!) egoism in yourself, without which the task of letting your son go on an independent voyage cannot be solved.

The professional help of a psychologist, of course, is very, very desirable for you in this matter. You can contact me.

All the best,

Sincerely,

Alyokhina Elena Vasilievna, consultations in Moscow and via skype

Hello Anna.

How to help a child?

Keyword CHILD. When you stop treating him like a child, he will have to grow up. He is in a very advantageous position: warm, fed, watered, with the Internet, plus bonuses - beer, wine, cigarettes. Why work and develop?

Your son is not socially adaptable, tk. could not separate from you in time. Why this happened and how to move to a more mature position, find the answers to these questions in working with