The son is mad about what to do. My own child infuriates me: why am I such a bad mother? Am I mother or stepmother? Why does my own child piss me off

It is not customary to talk about this topic, but every mother knows this. She knows, but is silent, unable to admit even to herself that she has attacks of aggression, hostility, irritation towards her own child when he does not obey or behaves badly. At such moments, she herself does not know how to control herself. A scream at the child breaks from the mouth, as if the hand itself beats on the pope, and then we cry in impotence at night into the pillow. We mentally ask for forgiveness from our children, we do not understand ourselves. What to do? How to raise your children without screaming and violence? How to make them obey and grow up to be good, kind children?

Understanding that the idiom "all children are angels" is a real deception comes at the moment when you first encounter obstinacy, self-will, inadequate desires of your own child. Yes, yes, this happens already in the first year of life, when the child begins to want something, and, despite prohibitions or educational work, still insist on his own. Probably, almost the first thing parents encounter is the constant cry of a child. It's tiring and very annoying when it happens for the 10th time in a night. But here we can still calm ourselves - explain to ourselves where this cry comes from. The child wants to eat or it hurts - we overpower ourselves, because we love him. But then the real nightmares begin. Every second mother will tell you with what struggle she weaned the child from gnawing her own fists, and then everything else that comes to her hand.

Child 2.3, still struggling with hands in mouth. I'm shaking from this view! The child literally pisses me off. And considering that I am squeamish in itself, it shakes not like a child. Already, that they just did not try, nothing helps. And who knows when it will pass.

But this is only the beginning. The parent begins to understand that the child is a self-willed separate little man. And at some point, the understanding comes that children are the complete antipode of an angel. And then disturbing questions arise for themselves:

How not to yell at your own child?
How not to beat a child even in moments when all other educational measures have ended?
How not to be angry with a child? How to contain irritation?
What to do if maternal strength and patience are no longer enough?

Mothers often meet with lectures from people from the outside. Mother-in-law or even your own mother, "smart" grandmothers on the street or kindergarten teachers who consider it literally their duty to point out the shortcomings of raising a child. Reproaches fall on my mother from all sides: she does something wrong, and this. And almost everyone tells what not to do: you can’t beat a child, you can’t yell at a child. And what to do then?

Sometimes the mother is even called the stepmother for the child. Here on this question, as a rule, all advice either turns into stupid, or into those that do not apply to your own child in any way. Only one mom really knows that she doesn't know anything. Surprisingly, the situation is exactly the same when both the second and the third child are born - the educational process is very difficult in each new case, moreover, those unique educational keys that came up to the first do not fit the second at all. On the Internet, you can find hundreds of pages with mothers moaning about their actions and their misunderstanding of themselves: "I beat the child, what should I do?" - writes one, "I yell at the child, what should I do?" - echoes another. But most are just silent about it.

My daughter is 2 years 7 months old. She is a wonderful girl, smart, sociable, kind, in kindergarten everyone is simply delighted with her. Only recently has she become very capricious, sometimes even unbearable. "I will / won't" repeats one after another, does not obey, runs away or pushes me away when I want to take her across the street, for example. Sometimes I can't help but yell at a child or spank, but it just really annoys and pisses off my own child. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like just a disgusting mother - I can’t cope with her at all. Why is she behaving like this? It seems that no one suppresses her, she is allowed a lot, we play, and read, and draw. Why suddenly such a period of disobedience? During such scenes, I have the complete feeling that she does not love me ... Of course, I'm probably wrong, but how can I be? Maybe it's just the age?

First you need to stop reproaching yourself and understand that the crazy, all-forgiving, absolute love of a mother for a child is just a myth created by modern society. The fact that the child is annoying and angry, that sometimes you want to hit him or shout at him is an absolutely normal reaction of a woman. And such a reaction occurs in absolutely every mother - this is not bad, and not good. It's just life.

It is very difficult to cope with this, and sometimes it is simply unrealistic. But there is a way out! To avoid this, it is enough to understand your own child, and then it will become obvious why he does what he does.

A child is really not an angel, he has his own desires and in the very early childhood they are not limited in any way. In simple words: "I want - I achieve what I want." I want to bite my fists, I will bite. I want to gnaw on my mother's dirty boots, I will gnaw. I want to put my fingers in the socket, I will put it in. And so on. Desire underlies any action, and children are huge, crazy desires that literally crawl out of them every day, every hour, every minute.

The child does not analyze his desires. You just want it, you just do it. Having struck him at this moment, it doesn’t matter, on the pope, on the back of the head or on the ear, shouting at the child, we, the mothers, deal him a terrible blow to his mental. Thus, we give him a bad fate, frustrations, fears, problems that will accompany him for the rest of his life.

There are no bad desires, all the desires of a child are normal. They just aren't headed in the right direction. Because the child does not know what is good and what is bad. Then, in the process of life, the child learns that some realizations of his desires are forbidden, and some are even very bad. If parents manage to properly raise a child, then almost all desires, even the worst and most unpleasant at first glance, are transformed into positive manifestations that are accepted in our society, which will allow an adult to find and master.

For example, some children want to be richer than others - this is a very simple desire, but how to realize it in childhood? Already at the age of 3-4, they begin to steal, in other words, take what they would like to have themselves, despite the fact that it already has its rightful owner. This desire can be limited and transformed into the desire of an adult to work hard and work hard to earn more than others. For proper upbringing, it is enough for a mother to simply unravel the desires of her child and direct them in the right direction. What are we doing? We get annoyed, angry, scream and beat our own child, without understanding, which means that we cut at the root the usual desire of the child, which so far simply has no direction. What will happen after this? It will be a tragedy, a lifetime.

To achieve the desired result, that is, to correctly direct the desires of the child, is possible only if, firstly, the correct understanding of these desires, and secondly, the correct influence on him. All the desires of every child are absolutely normal - even if it seems to you the opposite - this must always be remembered. Some manifestations are associated with stress in one vector or another, for example, skinners bite their nails in stress. To wean a child from this, it is useless to punish him, you need to help him cope with stress. And so every desire, every action is absolutely normal, even when it seems completely stupid to us. All the desires of the baby can be directed in the right direction. There is not a single desire in the world that would not be normal, there are simply parents who do not bring up desire in the right way, but stop the desire itself. This is the road to nowhere.

Hello uv. Cookie.

Yes, children are such a thing ... You love them very much, but sometimes mom herself is ready to nail them twice

Tell me, does your son only behave this way with you, or with his dad, or with other close relatives as well?
How was your pregnancy and childbirth? How is your son's health? Neurology especially?

Good afternoon, I'll start in order.
The son does not see the rest of the relatives often, and the rest of the relatives are with him for "pleasant".
I have both pregnancies with constant heartburn, the last trimester of constant vomiting. Rapid labor, episiotomy. entanglement with the umbilical cord and in the older torticollis.
He has been screaming since birth. The first year of his life went like hell for me. He cried constantly. The stomach was treated, but the crying remained, it just became quieter in decibels. I then dragged him to a neurologist and not to one, they studied his head thoroughly. From what he yells, as if pigs are being slaughtered - I still don’t understand. For me, there are no obvious reasons for his discomfort and such a reaction. He hated the stroller and I dragged him in a sling, put him in a deck chair and do something nearby - it's unrealistic, he had to be in my arms. After a year, he never played either, if you collect a pyramid - I have to sit next to you and also collect. We did everything together, I talked a lot with him, I read a lot to him. As he began to speak himself and still is a walking radio. He comments and voices everything and this constant mumbling drives me.
At 3 I went to kindergarten. Initially, everything was fine, then the teachers changed and the group almost doubled, my son began to have nervous tics. We sat at home, went to physiotherapy, examinations. 2-3 months at home, 1-2 weeks in the garden. If not tics, then SARS. After the birth of the youngest, the eldest had a rollback - carry me on the handles, feed me from a bottle, I will wear a diaper. She didn’t focus on: if you want, come on (the younger one was very calm, so the older one had almost all the attention)
We moved to another kindergarten and the problems with tics are gone, he is in the logogroup (the main diagnosis of OHP) and there are few children there (sparing regimen).
Neurologists sometimes wrote ADHD on the card, but they no longer write about recent visits.
In the garden he is silent and shy. At home, she runs along the ceiling and screams, like in the jungle, in the garden she is quiet, and even tries to shirk at music lessons. In the classroom, he reluctantly answers (I do not observe ambition). A private defectologist 1 on 1 works great and talks smartly. Sometimes my mother takes him to the company of boys he knows, he actively chases dogs with them in the yard, but does not talk much. Dad mostly indulges him. Now I managed to transfer part of the classes to him (oral topics for speaking). Dad does not apply to medical procedures, pedagogical issues (the same prescriptions), hygiene. For this unpleasant there is a mother. If the child is hurt or unpleasant, dad merges. This year, I tried to delegate the same dentist to my husband and got it in the forehead that these sadistic entertainments are only for my mother.

Added ---

Do you tell him this in the morning? What for?
It seems to me that it’s better to say it right away in the evening and cut it right there, less time for worries.
I saw you have a topic about relations with your husband, unfortunately I haven’t read it now, perhaps there is a tense situation in the house and the child feels it.
I think he cries too much.
And IMHO, of course, but you transfer your attitude towards your husband to your child. Of course I'll be glad if I'm wrong.

Now such an agreement is in force, that these manipulations must be warned in advance. Maybe not to utter a word, but usually a concert (now I'm thinking. Or maybe it's for dad?). Moreover, he always liked the hairdressing salon and the haircut did not cause problems even at an early age.

Added ---

Nope)))) Grandma doesn’t say so))))
"Ah, such a wonderful mother has such a capricious and spoiled son. You read so much, here's another brochure for you and try ... (another method")

I looked at the thread diagonally ...

All these newfangled psychological troubles like "so allow yourself not to love your child" lead to the appearance of such mutations. Mlyn sufferers gathered, three virtual martyrs. These revelations are really sickening.

And most of all, it makes me sick that all these "sins" of a child, such as a crap priest at 2 years old or looking at flowers at 6 years old, are remembered and carefully systematized - how else can you justify your rage?
Here any mistake is important, everything is in line. After 10 years, remember poop, after 7 - bags and flowers. And then the Tampaxes arrived in time - Hurray!

An unloved child will not love himself, will not take care of himself, will not keep himself clean. All this dirt is from self-abasement and dislike.

Some kind of tampax, washing clothes with your hands - while the parents are having fun with their second child ... A 6-year-old girl didn’t carry bags for her mother, such a toadstool.
Tampaksy as a manifestation of parental duty, washing clothes by the child's hands - as a careful attitude to the washing machine.

Here I have not seen any of the mothers of really difficult children manifestations of "personal hostility." Someone cares better, someone worse, someone even runs away (although this is extremely rare). But I didn’t see such a thing that they would rage at a child like that and be nearby, thank God.
So run away already. Or give the child to grandparents, fathers, so as not to cripple him. At the same time, the tampax will move away from you.
But no, you won’t give it back: (On whom then to vent evil and dissatisfaction with yourself? 09/08/2011 02:07:17,

Not everyone can read diagonally...
Of course, possession, otherwise you can’t call it, [censorship] we are like that. If the author did not try to correct the situation, I think I would not write. It’s good that you didn’t find yourself in such a situation, so you are a smart, wonderful mother. We are not like that, and probably our revelations are more like a request for help, and not permission "to dislike". Who has allowed himself not to love does not suffer. Believe it or not, but we are trying to fight and most likely all these screams at children are no more than in other families with good mothers. It's just that some people don't even bother with it. Educational process. If everyone is such a smart and wonderful mother, why do teenagers have so many problems now? Maybe crap priests and bags and not good examples, but I think the used tampax and you will not be happy, but of course this cannot happen to you ...
“how you didn’t instill it, how you didn’t teach it, how you don’t wash yourself, then you yourself are like that and there’s nothing to blame on the mirror ...” if we were like that, we wouldn’t bother and worry. We do not try to justify ourselves and do not want to be pitied, we know that we are not very good mothers, we want to correct the situation and correct it. 09/08/2011 09:11:52, Everything happens

With us, too, everything has happened and is happening, but we do not keep the personal files of our children and do not take into account their mistakes. Picked up, washed ... forgotten.
Yes, we are on tampax. If it ends up in the closet or in the child's sandwich maker, I will throw it out and wash everything. But during this process I will think only about one thing - what about my child? Why did you develop such an attitude towards yourself? Why doesn't he love himself so much? And then the usual questions - what to do and who is to blame. I’m guilty in any way - I missed, overlooked, missed, didn’t like. What to do - it’s important to take care of the child, and not portray the passion-bearer, who got such an unsuccessful copy.
And rather than yelling at a child and waving his hands, it’s better to feel sorry for him - that’s as inappropriate as he is.

The girl will grow up and the tampax used is unlikely to be put into a cosmetic bag. And she won't wear poop in her pants. And the bags will still have time to drag.
Something will pass and something will come. But the image of the mother - the victim of her own motherhood - will continue to live in the soul as an open wound.
And only years later the child will be able to understand that he is not to blame, that they do not deserve parental love, but receive a load by the word mother. What a great gift it is to be a mother. And that on the part of the mother, love for the child and care for him is an unjustifiably small price for such a gift. 09/08/2011 13:10:19,

I do not allow myself not to love, I am trying to correct the situation. And the author is trying his best. Asks for advice. These are our children and we care about them.
I figured out my situation and now I'm trying to solve it. The author does not even understand where the roots of the problem come from, believe me. And to her, "yes, how is it possible, but it doesn’t happen, all you came up with and children are angels and you should see a doctor"
I've been to a doctor, not just one. Both with and without a child. And only one more or less helped. Yes, that's my problem. I'm trying to deal with it. And now I'm breaking myself, not the child. I break down ... I talk, I ask for forgiveness, I try everything that the doctors advised. What works, what doesn't. The author asks for help, we are aware that we are not behaving correctly. And such attacks and examples will not change the situation.
And about tampaks .... I have before my eyes a living example of what my child can turn into if I pass by his "children's pranks".
An adult who loves only himself and makes loved ones suffer, offends, hurts, but he sincerely does not understand what he did. And the older the worse. Believe me, this is not a disease, this is promiscuity and the all-consuming "mother's love" for the youngest.
Pee past the toilet, "Oh! Missed!" Cleans naturally not he. So what will grow and hide the tampon is not always the case. 09/08/2011 15:56:11, Everything happens

What you write "makes loved ones suffer, offends, hurts, but he sincerely does not understand what he did" does not happen as a result of mother's love.
You contradict yourself. Our interlocutor (the one with the tampon) has a girl who does not behave this way because of her mother's all-consuming love. She just missed her mother's love.

And as a parallel with your child, you chose a completely disgusting bogey - an adult pissing past the toilet. For what? To justify your annoyance? Like for the good of the child, are you angry at him?
Children are different, yes. Not everything can be changed or corrected. But they are still our children. And somehow you have to get along with them - with complex and uncomfortable ones. And you can't get along without love.

In fact, it is better to let go, to give it to someone to be raised - a blood father, grandmother, or whoever is there, than to grow up in dislike.
I'm not fantasizing from scratch, I know what I'm writing about. I dislocated my brain, trying to understand this "phenomenon" and somehow accept it.
Sometimes a non-native and kind person is much better than an unloving suffering mother.
As one teenage boy, growing up with such an unloving, highly educated, intellectual mother, told me, “it would be better if he drank and wallowed drunk. I would still love her and take care of her. Otherwise, she doesn’t need my love and care.” He put a block, does not react to her tantrums and shouts, laughs at them. Badly? Yes, not good. But he also needs to somehow survive and hold out for several years. Without this protection, one cannot survive in dislike. There is nowhere for him to leave his unloving mother. He himself is not happy to sit with her on a submarine.

What did you realize there - I do not know. Self-admiration would be less for all three.

Once again I will quote you: "An adult who loves only himself and makes loved ones suffer, offends, hurts, but he sincerely does not understand what he did." - this can also be applied to mothers who do not love children. Though they do not write past the push.

And it doesn't matter where they write. A child will have to rake these troubles of yours all his life. The worst thing is when you become an adult and the last hope to UNDERSTAND collapses. Everything seems to live up to her age and understand. But the roll - and she lived, and became older than those of her years, and she has already raised older children, and the younger ones are growing - but I still feel the same horror.
My worst dream is a real situation from my life, mom, and next to her is not me, but one of my children. And I can't protect, save them from it. It’s time for me to wait for my grandchildren, but the dream keeps repeating. Like this. 09/08/2011 16:46:33,