Life with parents: stuck at a certain stage of mental maturation. Why is it better for a young family to live separately from their parents

Olga Yurkovskaya

On the one hand, it is customary for us to laugh at 40-year-old bachelors living with their parents. And on the other hand, there is a favorite of millions of women in the post-Soviet space - Zhenya Lukashin from the movie "Irony of Fate". He demonstrates a symbiosis of amazing strength with his elderly mother. He lives with her all his life and sorts out brides.

On the one hand, everyone looks down on old maids who, after 35, stay in their mother's apartment. On the other hand, it is full of positive movie stories about old maids. Remember, for example, the school teacher in Arkady Raikin's film Magic power art” (how the hero saved his elderly teacher from two rednecks who forced her out of the apartment).

Codependency - the "secret" legacy of the USSR

It all started with the housing problem. At the state level, it was first solved by communal apartments, where by default three or four generations coexisted in one space.

Then came the turn of the huge Stalinist apartments, which were difficult to exchange when the children created their own families. Yes, and it's a pity to change such mansions for modest odnushki. And again two or three generations lived together.

Then there was the mass construction of family hostels, from which no one moved out to their own housing.

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What kind of separation (separation) from parents can we talk about if families simply do not have territorial boundaries?

2-3 generations have a common life, one refrigerator and one kitchen. Moreover, given the infantilism of the younger generation, the parents did not marry off their daughter, but actually adopted her husband. Then they nursed, practically adopting, their children. Such is the confusion of roles and the lack of personal responsibility.

What about young people?

For what young father families dig the ground with your hooves, make a career and strive for a higher salary? There are parents who will help with food and clothing. Sit in your service - warm, light and calm;

Why is a young mother look for your own approach to children and try new methods of education? It is much more convenient in the morning to hand over the child to other people's aunts in the kindergarten, and in the evening - in the arms of a grandmother. And she, as she can and as she understands, is raising her grandchildren.

Scheme of "eternal losers"

So far we have been talking about the material side of things. And here, as they say, the salvation of the drowning is in the hands of the drowning themselves. However, there are also psychological consequences.

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It is they who slam all doors and gates in front of the younger generation.

At the age of 25, a person already loses the ability to dream, achieve and break through the wall with his forehead on the way to the stars.

If the child is not psychologically separated from the parents, he chooses one of the following schemes:

1. First: “I will never be like / like you!” Here everything is built on the principle of "out of spite", decisions are made in defiance, goals are achieved in order to prove that you are better than your mother.

2. Second(that's what we're talking about now): “Mom didn’t achieve anything, and I can’t. I'm doomed to be the same loser.". Naturally, people do not say this out loud - such beliefs are most often not realized. Just the initial message - my mother was a cleaner all her life (divorced, single mother) and did not give me a good education (did not set a life example). It is unlikely that I will achieve more. Such is fate.

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Both schemes are co-dependency with the mother, the absence of separation.

Denying the fact that she is a separate woman, with a separate mind, education, life experience, some features. Which, in principle, is different from you, because it is not you.

How to recognize parental codependency

Not always Cohabitation makes adult children dependent. Like separate housing, it doesn’t always “break the umbilical cord” with mom.

History first. My friend's mother-in-law was so co-dependent that at the age of 50 she asked her mother how to make sandwiches correctly. The daughter-in-law was speechless from this dialogue.

The dependence was so strong that the woman voluntarily gave up personal housing. She had the opportunity to live separately with her husband and child when her mother got the apartment, but she chose to change two separate apartments in order to live with her mother again. Although she justified this decision for herself with love and a desire to take care of her elderly mother.

The second story. One of my acquaintances (she is now under 70, and her mother will soon be 90 years old) has lived all her life under the same roof with her mother. Her only independent experience is studying at an institute in St. Petersburg. And it ended quickly - an unplanned pregnancy and bad marriage. So this woman with a one-year-old son moved in with her mother and did not live apart for a single day.

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But the funny thing about this story is that it is terribly difficult for both of them to live together.

They quarrel and bully each other. At the same time, the daughter always said: “Who else will take care of our mother? She is old and weak.". But the mother has the opposite argument: “Where can I throw her alone? She will not join the city ... but the party!

History the third. At first glance, the typical old maid is 40 years old. He lives with his mother all his life - with the exception of two months, when she tried to rent an apartment. The faucet suddenly leaked, the refrigerator broke and the gas stove stopped working. I had to go back to my mom.

The point of this story is that both secretly hate each other and constantly complain to all relatives. Moreover, the scandals are quite real - with obscenities and assault. At the same time, the old maid diligently plays the role of a “good daughter” in public, and the mother tries to maintain a sense of being needed and in demand, turning herself into a servant and a voluntary victim.

What do all these stories have in common?

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Codependent relationships "freeze" the development of adult children and deprive elderly parents of a meager chance to live happily in old age.

Mom for a daughter becomes an excuse for all failures in life, and a daughter for a mother - good reason Don't step out of your usual comfort zone. Proudly bending in half, carry your cross "the best mother of the year."

In all traditional cultures people live in large families, and this is good for everyone. But it only works

In traditional cultures, people live in large families, and this is good for everyone. Judge for yourself - several women who share all the duties, there is always someone to leave the children and relax with, if you get sick - they will pick it up. For a young family, there are also older ones who are able to reconcile them if anything, and equal. All in one place, plenty of communication. Women help each other - to style their hair, get dressed, make up, do manicures.

Until now, this is how they live in India, Bali and many other places. But you need to understand that relations in these places are built differently - more harmoniously. And in the end, it's good for everyone. All this only works when relations within the whole team are good.

If there are conflicts - explicit or hidden, different views and reticence - everything will happen in a completely different way. Then parents can, for example, blame all the work on the daughter-in-law or, on the contrary, prevent her from being realized as a wife and mother.

They can interfere very strongly in relationships and prevent the husband and wife from being alone. With the advent of children, such conflicts are even more aggravated.

As a result - no love and harmony. The family may break up or suffer greatly from interventions and conflicts. Then it is easier for a really young family to live separately, without undue pressure from outside.

After all, building a family life with a husband is already very difficult.

A young family needs to have its own space - both physical and emotional.

For example, in Bali and Sri Lanka, families live together, but separately. There are several separate houses on the common territory. In one - parents, in the other - one young family, in the third - the third. Conveniently, a common courtyard, sometimes a common dining room.

Common kids running around. Shared dinners or lunches. But at the same time, everyone has their own space, where everyone lives the way they want and feel.

When he wants to, he goes out into the world; when he doesn't want to, he sits at home on his own. I see this option as ideal (again, if the relationship is warm and good). Both together and with a personal corner.

In our realities of small apartments in high-rise buildings, this is difficult to do. They usually live together in one small apartment. And the kitchen is one, and the bathroom is shared, and there is little space, and there is no personal space (even if the young have a separate room). Then how to be?

Let's start by understanding when living together is good.

It is worth trying to live with your parents (and suddenly like it) if:

• parents are adults and mature individuals who have want to learn life, and relationships with them fill, not devastate.
• parents live on the basis of scriptures. Maybe they are not followers of any religion, but they live as it is written there. An honest and pure life.
• children respect their parents and are ready to listen to them.
• relations in the young family are good, they are not in crisis.
• Young parents do not complain about each other.
• young people have a personal space where they are free to do what they want. For example, a separate room.

Then all is well.

There will be mutual assistance and support, the young family will adopt the positive habits of their parents and grow stronger. And children will grow up in joy in such a family, they will receive more care and attention.

When not to live with your parents:

If the parents do not approve of the choice of their child.

Then they will provoke conflicts in every possible way, without even realizing it. And in these conflicts, the family will be separated, pulled apart by their minks, and they will also escalate the atmosphere, drip on the brains of their child, they say, this is not a couple for you, look how bad she (or he) is, you need another wife (or husband).

If you “drip” for a long time, you can convince of anything. Young people, especially in the early years, need support to help them stay together.

If parents are far from psychological maturity, if they are offended by children, then they blackmail, then they press, then they lecture, then they interfere unceremoniously. This can end very sadly.

If your outlook on life is very different, and your parents are not ready to accept it. For example, your vegetarianism and what you feed your grandchildren. Then they will slowly teach them to cutlets behind your back. Or if you are not ready to accept the lifestyle of your parents and are going to re-educate them, which is not your business at all.

If parents do not live as written in the scriptures. For example, at home they smoke, swear, constantly wash bones for everyone, drink, and so on. You will absorb their habits and vices, why do you and your children need it? How to maintain respect for them, your relationship in this, and at the same time not start doing the same?

If grandparents undermine the authority of parents in children. For example, they regularly tell kids that their dad and mom are stupid and you don’t need to listen to them, or that their parents forbid something, and the grandmother disputes their decisions in front of the children and secretly allows it. And so on.

I remember one story when my grandmother constantly told her grandson, they say, you are so good with us, and your dad is good, but your mother is a tearaway and a fool (although your mother is quite ordinary). As a result, the boy ended up in a mental hospital with a serious disorder, because it was with his grandmother that he spent the most time. The psyche could not withstand such pressure.

If parents are too attached to their adult children and cannot let them go, controlling, lecturing, pulling the blanket over themselves. It is especially difficult for single grandmothers who raised only one child (especially if it is a boy), those whose children were late-long-awaited-suffered. Sometimes it is very difficult to part with younger children. For a young family, this is too strong a test, not everyone can stand it.

If young people have a lot of resentment against their parents. Then the relationship will hurt every day, and there is no way to change it. To heal wounds, you need to be at rest for some time, that is, at a distance. Heal, soothe, and then try to be near.

If the relationship with the parents is unhealthy and devastating. For example, parents pull strength from their children like little ones. Or if children are the meaning of their whole life, which is so terrible to lose. A young family needs a lot of energy to build relationships, and if they are still pulled by their parents, then nothing will come of it.

If children cannot respect their parents and make claims to them. This is not so, this is not so, you help badly and little, you don’t let you put things in order, you don’t sit with your grandchildren, you don’t exchange an apartment. Then this is a serious stress for both, and the consequences will be sad.

Therefore, most young it's better to live alone. It will be more difficult physically and financially, but it will be easier to keep a young family. Live separately and build relationships with parents at a distance. And maybe one day, when all the participants mature, it will be possible to start a relationship with new point, become closer friend friend.

And they also say that if you live with your parents, then there are two options - either you become crazy or you become enlightened.

It's not that easy to build a good relationship with everyone, to adapt to everyone, without betraying themselves, without trying to pull everything out only on their own resource, respecting and loving.

It's not for everyone these days, especially in our "Western" world.

My husband, my parents and I never lived, no matter how difficult it was. Even when there was no money, we rented apartments. Yes, it was more expensive, housing was not their own, and so on. But it also saved in many places. For example, when we moved to St. Petersburg, and I lost the opportunity to run away a little to my mother, then finally had to solve problems with husband. And the main thing is allowed and allows respecting parents, thanking them, to have a good relationship, constantly talking on Skype and meeting 1-2 times a year.

Therefore, it always seems strange to me when they say that it is not possible to live separately. There is always an opportunity. It will just be more expensive and less convenient to live separately. This may no longer be a room in a cozy and comfortable apartment, but some kind of “killed communal apartment”, where you will have to invest your strength and money, realizing that this is not yours, and one day they will “ask” from here. Yes, you will need to look for opportunities to earn more or slightly reduce your expenses, optimize them. Yes, it will take effort and add stress. But the opportunity is always there.

If your relationship is sick, then choosing more "comfortable" path, you only make them worse every day, being around.You respect your parents less and less, they respect you less and less. You are losing the strength that you and your children need. This is why you may have financial difficulties- and there is no strength, and respect for parents - what kind of money is there. Relations in your family are being destroyed, and I know so many examples when it was life with parents that played a fatal role in divorces. You don't even know how many things in your life are not happening because you are not looking for an opportunity to heal the relationship!

If you live with your parents, because it is more convenient and cheaper, but at the same time you suffer and swear, you should grow up and take responsibility for your life. Sometimes it's better to step aside and endure the inconvenience in order to save your family and learn to respect those who raised you.

And for yourself, you can set another goal - to become the kind of parents with whom young families want to live together and in joy. Because big family from many generations powerful force and a great resource. When she is like this, the question does not even arise whether it is worth living together, it becomes a boon for everyone. But then again, to become such parents, you first need to learn to respect your own. published

Is it good or bad when a young family lives with their parents? What difficulties arise in such a situation and how to overcome them? Young married couples talk about their experience.

Story one: Rimma and Vladimir

Four years ago, in May, while the graduates were celebrating last call, our family was born - contrary to all prejudices about May weddings. The husband in our family earns money, and I am raising a two-year-old daughter. When we got married, the housing issue in our family was resolved: from my grandparents we got a one-room apartment in our hometown Vladivostok, where we made repairs before the wedding. It was our first family nest: only 30 square meters, but for us it was the most comfortable and dear. Even the kitchen was not normal, but then it was not important at all. We lived there for two wonderful years our lives, they brought a daughter from the hospital there.

Rimma and Vladimir

Quite unexpectedly, my parents suggested that we change our place of residence and move to another region of our country. They somehow stayed in a cottage settlement in the Moscow region and were absolutely fascinated by this place, nature. For us, it was not an easy decision. Never in my life have I thought about changing my place of residence. I love my city, where I have lived all my life. I love its hills, its sea, all my friends are there. All memories, joys and sorrows are connected with him. Until now, sometimes I can’t believe that I agreed to this: at that moment I was on recent months pregnancy, and, probably, all my mind and heart was occupied with was safely conveying and giving birth to a baby.

Parents offered to sell our two apartments and buy townhouse-format housing: it was assumed that they would live on the first floor, we would live on the second, and we would make the third floor a common recreation area. As a result, we just live in the same house, we have one entrance and so far have a shared kitchen.

My mother does most of the housekeeping in our house: cooking for a family of five is not easy. She cooks very tasty, I have no such talent. True, I love to bake, but I do it quite rarely, since I mainly deal with a child. Two mistresses in one kitchen is a real quest. Sometimes what is normal for me, my mother does not like, and vice versa. Sometimes disagreements lead to conflicts. Often I don't like mom's advice which I didn't ask for at all. As a grandmother, she sometimes likes to cause panic, while, on the contrary, you need to stay calm. It is difficult for two women to live under the same roof, especially when they are mother and daughter and spend almost 24 hours a day together. At the same time, my husband and dad get along well with each other - it is much easier for men, by virtue of their nature, given the fact that they spend a significant part of their time at work.

All conflicts between us simply go down in history, while everyone remains in his own opinion. We do not have such that we go and do not communicate with each other for several days. I have one conclusion, but it concerns the future: I will never persuade my daughter to live together in the same house when she has her own family. Yes, there are different circumstances, sometimes young families simply have nowhere to live, there is no way to rent an apartment or take out a mortgage. It's a completely different story. It seems to me that this is such a simple and at the same time complex wisdom: to let go of your children and let them live their lives. Do not interfere with it, but simply help if you are asked for help. Perfect option, from my point of view, when parents live nearby, but at the same time, each family has its own way of life, its own way of life and its own rules. I know one family where parents and young people live in the same house, but at the same time they have different entrances, each has its own kitchen, that is, they are actually neighbors.

As for the relationship with my husband, all domestic troubles make us closer to each other. We used to be able to drink tea in the evening in the kitchen at least underwear. Now we do not have such an opportunity. IN old times we could let off steam, yell at each other in a fit of rage. Now you have to control emotions, you don’t want someone to be a witness to family squabbles. We believe that one day we will again have our own family nest, where we can be more free. And for parents, I would consider this the best option, because they also have to endure some inconvenience in connection with living together.

The Bible says, “A man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” But when two families live together, it is simply impossible to leave, let go, not interfere. Parents will always try to control their children, even unconsciously. For those who live with their parents, I would like to wish love and patience. After all, it won't always be like this. Life passes very quickly, and you should not waste it on scandals and quarrels. Well, at least try.

Marina Astafieva, psychologist, independent expert on Channel One, comments:

Marina Astafieva

The problem of fathers and children has always existed. Parents and children will always have mutual claims against each other, and this does not depend on their age. The best option- live separately! In this case, families do not touch someone else's inner "kitchen" and know about other people's problems exactly as much as they are told about them. In addition, there is a time to miss each other, and visits are most often perceived as a holiday, and not like a military battle.

But, alas, not always a young family has the opportunity to live separately from their parents. This is where it all starts! Claims, irritations, reproaches, scandals. Resentments that sometimes last a lifetime. All this not only spoils relations between generations, it often leads to disagreements within the couple and even to divorces: the “halves” begin to stand up for their parents or let the situation take its course.

What to do? First of all, you need to ask yourself the question: “What prevents us from living separately from our parents?”. Lack of money, nothing to rent or buy a house? No one to leave the kids with? Close to work, or just used to living on everything ready? If at least one of the answers coincided with you, or you don’t understand at all why you ended up in this situation, then you are really dependent on your parents, and it’s up to you to solve the problem!

If there is nowhere to move away from them, or it is not yet possible, change your role in the family. Let your parents need you too. If you haven't helped them around the house before, take some homework on themselves, having previously discussed with their parents which one. And do it exactly as the owners of the house would do. Don't forget that there are general cleaning, repairs are important for the older generation, offer them your help.

Parents often like to teach, and it is pointless to fight this. Don't give it too much importance. After all, these are your people. Find convenient moment, when the elders are in a good mood, and discuss all sensitive issues, while not putting them before the fact, but build a conversation as if you are asking for advice. The main thing is not to push!

Of course, it is difficult to adapt to the lifestyle of parents, especially for those who grew up in a different family and are used to a different lifestyle. This means that the husband or wife must explain the nuances, tell about the character and habits of their parents. Try not to sort things out in front of them. Otherwise, they will definitely get stuck in a conflict, you won’t like it, which means a new scandal is guaranteed. Be interested in their health, ask about their youth, childhood - older generation likes to think about it, talk about it.

And further! Basically, all conflicts unfold on weekends and holidays. When everyone is at home, it is difficult to observe the framework of personal space, regime, order. To avoid this, plan your weekend: take a walk, go to the theater and cinema. Share your plan with your parents so that they can plan something for themselves too - invite friends or just relax! There will be no time for nit-picking, and everyone will only benefit from this.

Living together with different generations is difficult! But you always have an alternative - to create your own world and home. Just ask yourself the question we started with: why am I living with my parents? And if you have many reasons for this, be kind - respect your parents and their rules.

Story two: Julia and Mikhail

We are a young family - me, my husband and a two-year-old son. In the summer we live between two dachas: my mother's and my mother-in-law's. At the dacha of my mother - dad (a bedridden patient), a nurse, two dogs. At the dacha at the mother-in-law (she has cancer) - a sister with her husband and two children 4 and 1 years old.

In order to diversify maternity everyday life, I am engaged in creativity and now I am launching my own Internet project. My husband is an Internet marketer and works remotely most of the time, so we spend a lot of time together.

Julia and Michael

I have been thinking about moving from a city apartment to a house for a long time. While we are moving towards this goal, we are trying a rustic life outside the city. At my mom's Vacation home with all conveniences, and the mother-in-law has a classic dacha. Both here and there have their own romance.

Problems, of course, regularly arise, both domestic and in relationships. We solve them by talking. And when I get tired of being a peacemaker, we just pack up and leave. But more often than not, we try to negotiate. For example, we have a cat, but none of our relatives favor cats, some even have allergies. Therefore, last year we left the cat at home and could only leave for two days. This year we decided to let the cat go for a walk around the holiday village, and this allowed us to spend weeks outside the city. And the family seems to be happy.

There are also financial misunderstandings in terms of food purchases. For example, we do not eat meat, but the husband's family is traditional in this sense. Therefore, at the mother-in-law's dacha, difficulties arise with the menu, for example, when the husband's sister cooks. These days I try to cook separately for us.

When we live with my mother, she helps us very seriously. You can leave your son with her and go on business or on a date. We sometimes have disagreements on everyday issues, but we can easily settle them through conversations. But my mother-in-law's life is hell for me. A lot of people, noise, din, different systems of raising children. The brain boils from the endless search for compromises.

The main conclusions that I made while living with my parents are that you need to live separately and practice rare pleasant vacations together, as my sister does, who lives in America. And, of course, to raise your level of awareness and inner maturity. Otherwise, living together even for a short period is very difficult. I am greatly saved by the understanding that I can pack my things and go home at any time. I do not envy people who live with their parents and advise them to do everything to leave.

I imagine clan life only in a huge house. Once I was in this. Three families live there: parents and two children with families. The house is so big that at the entrance there is a sign on which the residents are marked - who is at home and who is not. In this house, sometimes cats get lost. Naturally, the level of comfort is very high, there are helping staff, and the territory of the site itself is huge - several hectares. I think this kind of life big family quite viable.

Larisa Surkova

Larisa Surkova, psychologist and author of books on family relationships, comments:

It is very important for young parents living under the same roof with their parents to ask themselves the question: who am I in the first place - the parent of my children or the child of my parents? These priorities for themselves can only be set by the person himself by an effort of will. Of course, sometimes it is difficult to compromise with parents, but the question of my new role, who I am now to a greater extent, should definitely be answered. It's a must for building healthy relationships in a big family. At the same time, it is worth remembering that your main task is physical and mental health new generation, your children.

Story three: Natalia and Alexei

Eleven years ago I did not have much experience, I acted intuitively and often did not understand how to act. Now I look at many things with a smile. After we got married, we lived in rented apartment. Actively worked: I - in bank, the husband - the sales representative. The plan was to buy their own home. We did not think about the child then, and my pregnancy was a surprise for everyone. My parents were delighted, and Lesha's parents, as it seemed to me then, tensed up. They probably wanted me to continue working, because I earned more than my husband, and we just took out a mortgage, bought an apartment in Lyubertsy. The stakes were on my salary.

During the period of the decree, before the birth of my son Nikita, my parents offered us to move in with them. They promised help. In addition, the conditions in the rented apartment were not very good, we deliberately saved on housing, waiting for the settlement in new apartment. We decided that while it is being renovated, it is quite possible to live with our parents. And they agreed. At first they lived with mine, then with Alexei's parents.

Natalia, Alexey and their parents

By the time we moved, we were already used to living alone and making household decisions on our own: who does the cleaning, who cooks what, who does the dishes, where to buy groceries, what time to go to bed and when to wake up, how often to ventilate the room in which the child sleeps, and etc. And suddenly grandparents intervene, who, well, have a completely different view of everything that we do. On the one hand, we, of course, were very grateful to them for their help. What is the fact that thanks to them we got out to a restaurant for the first time in a year when my husband gave me a gift - romantic evening. We sat and celebrated the birth of a baby together. My son was restless until he was a year old, he was constantly crying - now his tummy, then his teeth, and, of course, I was grateful for the opportunity to at least have a little rest. The second feeling: all this is not yours. You do not live on your own territory, there are other rules, and for me, even though I grew up in this family, adult life it was difficult to follow them. For example, my dad is a heavy smoker. He used to smoke at home, a pack or two a day. And now, when, after the birth of a child, I told him that smoke was harmful for a baby sleeping in the next room, he did not always agree, the conversation could go on raised tones. It seems to be trifles, but they exhaust the nerves of those who cannot agree. We were no exception.

Then for some time we lived with my husband's parents, and it was even more difficult for me there. Life is completely different, these are not my parents, sometimes it turned out to be difficult to negotiate. There was also a cat that left fur everywhere. Then it irritated me insanely, I was angry and did not understand how you can live like this with a baby in your arms. The windows were closed all the time, because the parents thought that the apartment was cold. On the contrary, I opened them - my son always slept with the window open, even in winter. As soon as we left, they closed again, the child was wrapped up. I'm already silent about disputes about what and how to feed, whether it is necessary to feed. I breastfed for a long time, which also caused misunderstanding. In general, these are the little things that every family has, but which are annoying, because we are already used to living without parents.

There was a moment when we fully felt the lack of money after my departure on maternity leave. My husband and I talked a lot about this. I tried to cheer him up: he was going to be promoted, and he is a cautious person, does not like to take risks - he refused all offers. I couldn't understand it. Lesha's parents, of course, stood up for their son, saying: “Well, why do you need so much money, you won’t earn everyone,” while knowing full well that we still have to pay for the loan. And to me, a woman on maternity leave and with my “cockroaches”, it seemed that my husband should still earn more. By the way, my husband helped me a lot after the birth of my son, for which I am very grateful to him. But realizing that there is support from his parents, he relaxed a little about finances. But then he got a second job. Nevertheless, we never had significant conflicts, and the child brought us even closer. In addition, the husband dragged repairs on himself, dangled from the Moscow region to Moscow. His parents, of course, also gave advice here. Papa Alexei is a jack of all trades, but he didn’t want to understand that we want to equip the house to our taste.

How were conflicts resolved? First, accepting the other side always helped. When you understand that parents do not say this because they wish you bad, they really have experience. Parents do not want to level your opinion. It's just a sign of love and care. Secondly, an honest conversation helped. Unfortunately, not always right away, sometimes on emotions we managed to say unpleasant words to each other. My husband's parents once told me that they raised my child while I was working. I actually went to work pretty early. And we often brought little Nick for the weekend, and if he was sick, they came to us. But it's still sad to hear that. In general, the husband's parents did not particularly go to an open dialogue. The story was resolved by the fact that we just finally moved out to our apartment.

Now we have equal relations with parents on both sides. We often get together, get out into nature, to the country. We help our parents with money, there is no feeling that they are “pulling” us. They pamper their grandson, give him gifts. We went on holiday together. We are all very different, but still feel big strong family. Already now I understand that in others we are most annoyed by what is in ourselves. Total control unbearable. But I myself am such a controller! Open or closed windows - this is not a reason for a quarrel, but I certainly wanted everything to be my way. When you realize that the person who annoys you is actually a projection of you, it becomes easier to understand and accept the situation or someone else's opinion. We also think that if there is no scandal, then everything is fine. If at a dangerous moment you didn’t say what you think, what you are dissatisfied with, then there seems to be no conflict. And he is. A neglected conflict occurs when you pretend that everything is fine, when you do not speak out the accumulated problems.

And one more thing: we make any choice ourselves. It's stupid to blame circumstances - no washing machine, a baby was born. It was our choice to move in with our parents. We could move to another apartment. But our parents offered to help us, and we agreed. It turned out that we kind of owe them and therefore must accept their terms of the game. Hence the problems arise.

In fact, a person who has made such a choice has three options for getting out of the conflict: to impose his decision, to accept the situation, and the third is not to live with his parents. Yes, it is difficult, there is no one to help you, no one to look after the child if you need to leave. But it's also a viable option.

Alena Al-As

Alena Al-As, psychologist, coach, member of the International Association of Psychology and Coaching ICPA, comments:

Mom, I'm going home. What to buy?

Buy an apartment and live separately.

Of course, it's ideal when a young family lives separately from their parents, it's hard to argue with that. But, unfortunately, not everyone has such an opportunity. Yes, it is difficult to live with parents: this is a different generation, a different lifestyle, different habits. They are sure (and sometimes they are) that they know better how to live. Therefore, they are trying to teach everything to the young. They do this with the best of intentions, and, nevertheless, the elders must understand that their children are already adults and no longer need guardianship. And if they need help or advice, they will turn to you.

However, most often the older generation, roughly speaking, interferes in the affairs of a young family. And worst of all, when young people are financially dependent on their parents. In such situations, parents most often expect young people to live according to their orders and are terribly disappointed when this does not happen. All this leads to misunderstandings and conflicts, and the elders accuse the youth of ingratitude and disrespect.

My advice to the elders is to let the young family live independently, even if they live in the same apartment with you. Try not to interfere in their lives, do not take care of them like small children, let them go on their own swimming. Give them a chance to become independent, let them decide how to manage the household, how to raise children, how to manage money and spend their leisure time. I understand that this is very difficult, but if you want happiness for your children, then you need to come to terms with the fact that this is already a different family.

What I would like to advise young people... As long as you live in a "foreign territory", that is, not in your own apartment, you will have to play by the rules of the elders. Older people are unlikely to be able to adapt to your lifestyle and change their habits. The right people will always go the extra mile. Well, if it doesn’t work out, try to talk to them, clearly mark the boundaries that you don’t need to go beyond.

When we are talking about building boundaries and designating your requests, it is very important to do this not in a quarrel, on emotions, but in a calm atmosphere. Try to convey your request without aggression, explaining why this is important to you.

Another point that many overlook: if people live together (no matter who they are to each other), in order for communication to be comfortable, it is important mutual respect. Many people think that "respect" means agreeing on everything. This is wrong. Respect is allowing another to have an opinion different from yours and to act in their own way without hurting your interests.

In general, of course, everything is not so bad. With communication skills and a sincere desire to create comfort, it is almost always possible to agree and live in peace and friendship. Both two and three generations live under one roof. They help each other in everything, the elders help in raising their grandchildren. If the family of the elders is friendly, it will be easy to find them mutual language. In addition, you save money that would have gone to pay for a rented apartment. In everything, if you want, you can find positive moments.

Prepared by Elena Bezsudova

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I want to immediately note that this story happened to me, and, in fact, not just happened, but is still happening.

My first marriage cannot be called successful, as it ended in divorce. Moreover, my wife ran away from me in the truest sense of the word, taking her four-year-old daughter instead of things. I stayed with my parents, who convinced me that she was a bitch who did not miss a single pants.

The wife really got married quite quickly, although it is clearly not worth condemning her for running away. The fact is that we lived almost our entire family life with my parents. And they are, to put it mildly, far from being a gift to me.

I wonder how my ex managed to put up with my mom for so long. Brother, for example, when he got married, left home, and to another country, so that he would not even be disturbed by visits. But they have two children a strong family and I think he is happy.

I, as the youngest son in the family (there is also a sister, but she also moved as far as possible as soon as she got married), was considered by everyone as a nanny for parents. Why do I need a personal life if I have them?

After the divorce, I lived alone for ten years. During these ten years, apart from random connections there was nothing in my life. I was sick of everything, and I was ready to run away to the ends of the world. I was in no hurry to go home, I often stayed overnight at work or even just rented an apartment in the city, just to have a little rest in peace and quiet. I drank a lot only so that when I get home, I can fall asleep and not hear or see anyone.

And then she appeared in my life. We met quite by accident, but I am grateful to fate for this acquaintance. From the very first meeting, we did not part, and I already came to spend the night with her. In fact, we immediately began to live together, and we definitely felt good. I realized almost immediately that we would definitely get married sooner or later, because I want it and I'm ready for it.

But the burden of responsibility pressed like never before. I had to look after my parents, my brother and sister live far away and everyone is counting on me. We moved in with our parents. In principle, it was said out loud that this two-story house, which I built with my own hands, is my own, and my parents just live with us. But in fact, there was no place for me and my wife in this house, and we settled in an extension. Only a closet and a bed fit in the room, there was no free space at all, but everything would suit us if they left us alone and let us just live.

My mother turned into a fury who was ready to kill her wife just because she lives with me. My sister, justifying her, explained her behavior by ordinary maternal jealousy, but at 37 I thought that I had devoted enough time to my mother and had the right to privacy. I wanted a wife, children - nothing special, it seems, but for some reason all the relatives believed that I had no right to this.

Our living together gradually cracked. And not because I didn’t love or didn’t love me. But I saw how hard it was for my wife. She tried to spend all the time at work, leaving early, returning late. Still, we fought, because at night my mother thought it was quite normal to break into our so-called bedroom, throw away my wife's things, kick at the door if I clicked the lock, etc.

Several times we were on the verge of breaking up because my wife wanted to move out and I couldn't. Firstly, filial obligations continued to put pressure on me, and secondly, to be honest, I was sorry to leave the house (in which I did not live). After all, I built it for several years and they always told me that I would live in it with my family.

And then a son was born. I was very happy. Two weeks before the birth, I undertook to decorate our annex, made repairs in it so that the baby would be comfortable. Unfortunately, even a child did not reconcile us. Mom hated him with the same fierce hatred as my wife. Two weeks later I heard that I could stay and live here, but I would not see my wife or child here again. Because of the constant scandals, my wife lost her milk, she became twitchy, the child screamed around the clock. In general, she just wanted to live in peace, enjoy her son and never see my mother again in her life.

I could stay at home. I really did not want to move from a large city to a small town where my wife was from and where she was going to return. Here I had a home, more or less good job and besides, my brother and sister constantly told me that I should take care of my parents.

I thought for a long time, tried to persuade him to stay, but it was useless. And then I decided to fix my family life once and for all. I left with my wife. We were not blessed, but we did not expect this. After living for some time in a rented apartment, we bought a small house in the village and have been living here for a year now. I found a job, my wife became that sweet and calm woman which I loved. Of course, we sometimes swear, but this is not serious, and we quickly put up.

I communicate with my parents by phone, we don’t remember the past. Now we are expecting our second child, and believe me, I am very happy. To arrange your family life, it is enough just to live, love and care.

I left my parents' house after the eighth grade. Since then, only visits there.

And up to a certain point, I did not attach importance to whether the children live with their parents or not. Around me there were quite a lot of examples of such a kindred neighborhood.

But then I became seriously interested in the issues of self-development, created the project “Trajectory of Success”, started writing books, and people began to come to me for help ...

A happy people, of course, they will not ask for help.

And I began to look for patterns of unhappy fate, the causes of misfortunes and their most universal manifestations, that is, consequences.

I will not write about everything, I will write about a particular example, namely, that adult children live with their parents under the same roof.

Here we come across the concept of "adult children", which can be very different. If only because the parents of their children always consider children, even if they already have their own children.

For example, here is an ordinary situation: a man comes for help, his name is Mikhail (his real name), he lives with his mother. Wife (former), of course, a bitch, does not let children in, calls names bad words, no deference to ex-spouse, nor to mother-in-law, the stump is clear, no.

That is, the version (of them) is this: they (the son and mother) are good, she (the former) is an infection. Moreover, at first cunningly and insidiously concealed her true face, and after several years family life opened it, and everyone felt bad.

And when I talked with Mikhail on Skype, he periodically glanced to the side, from where I concluded that he was not alone.

And exactly when I voiced my assumption, it turned out that my mother was sitting next to me. Controlled.

Kindergarten "Chamomile", nursery group. Although man 40 years!

But I talked to my mom.

“But how not to control, because he is still small? - tells me Thoughtful Mother.

And then these people considered a woman who got MARRIED, and not for an adult boy with his mother, a bitch?!

I won't be surprised if mom is the first wedding night offered to hold a candle (well, so that her boy gets where he needs to).

Okay, I've been joking, now seriously.

Still, back to the concept of "adult". Adulthood of a person on average starts from 18 to 23 years. After this age, children should not live with their parents.

“And if there are no conditions for separate living?” - a caring mother or a son frightened by my categoricalness will ask me.

Well, then I'll have to remind you WHY children need parents at all.

To PREPARE for adulthood.

And as soon as possible to push into adulthood.

Detach from yourself.

There is a great book by Bill Newman, Soar with the Eagles. It describes what eagles do - parents, if the little eaglet does not want or is afraid to fly - they PULL it out of the nest. In the hope that while falling, he will learn to fly. Well, if you didn’t have time to learn during this time, then, to put it mildly, it’s especially not needed. Natural selection.

But modern parents(especially mothers) - they themselves have many psychological problems. Mikhail’s mother subconsciously thought: “My husband left me - he doesn’t need me, and if my son leaves, then I DO NOT NEED ANYONE AT ALL, and give anyone a glass of water in old age (and now who will entertain me if not my son?) ".

Outcome: the parent (or both) shoulder their children psychological problems, creating all the conditions for the child to be NEAR (well, sooo close).

What about "child"?

We look: such a parent did NOT PREPARE the child for the difficulties of life (in particular, family life). But the child won a tactical victory and escaped from parental dependence - he got married / got married.

This immature "adult" encounters difficulties and begins to struggle with them (or does not start - then the return comes even faster). But we will assume that he still does not give up too quickly and fights.

But the psychological problems of the parents (given with “love” once) plus the lack of the necessary qualities (well, no, damn it, the character of a person!) Do everything possible for the child to return to his parents.

"There" (well, in adult independent living) turned out to be BAD. And my mom is fine. And mom is happy to try. Native son / native daughter is now nearby, at your side!

A solid cozy comfort zone has been created. And a person no longer wants to "go there" - into adulthood, into independence.

Because relationships with people are WORK in itself, and if personal communication problems THIS IS VERY HARD WORK.

But ... why work if dad and mom selflessly and completely selflessly will undertake to solve many of your everyday problems, just to keep the child on a leash?

People often contact me. For help. For advice.

So, if an adult comes (male or female - it doesn’t matter), living with parents (the reason is not important), and declares high goals, super projects, millions, happiness and travel, then I ... I don’t believe him. Because THIS person is lying to me. He cannot break out of his comfort zone and his mother's skirt, but is delirious about some feats?!

By the age of 30, 40, and even 50, a person could not become independent, build his life so that he had his own world, he was SCARY “out there”, what kind of freedom are we talking about, brother?

There are stories well, just unique.

Here listen.

There was, therefore, a family - husband and wife. And they had a child.

And they lived in a hostel.

A bunch of everyday problems, goals are not achieved, a crisis.

In short, the man can not stand it and leaves his wife.

Where do you think? That's right - to my mother.

Official divorce, all right.

And for several years they have been divorced, but the man comes to ex-wife... well, how to say, to visit.

A woman turned to me for help, and I am sure that she will succeed in everything in this life, but I am afraid that nothing will shine for such a man in this life.

I'm not talking about the mores of modern Western bourgeois society, just as I'm not talking about the old days, when several generations of the family lived under one roof.

I am talking about our time and the post-Soviet space. And about people who themselves left the USSR or their parents left from there.

This problem (adult children living with their parents) is much larger and more tragic than it seems. For such adults, in fact, life stops. Freezes ... Until they break out into an independent life.

Such a person, even after reading my article, will find a lot of logical and reasonable explanations why EXACTLY HE is in such a situation. The comfort zone is generally an insidious thing, in order to keep a person, it will build unthinkably logical and believable structures.

But life freezes not only in the "child". If, suppose, an adult son lives with his mother, then his mother's life stops. She ages earlier. Relaxing in every way.

But as a rule, he cannot get rid of longing. AND inner voice knocking wagon wheels: "Something is wrong ... something is wrong ...".

But letting go of a child is scary. Loneliness.

I myself once completely got rid of such an addiction, and I bring up my children in the same spirit.

For example, our senior student is in his first year at a prestigious metropolitan university and has been living on full self-sufficiency since February. He studies, works, and pays for his own housing. And he buys expensive high-quality things. Because THAT'S how I was brought up. And he thinks that's the way it should be.

As a parent, I was able to “untie” him from myself and make him independent.

This means that what I write is not a theory, but the most that neither is practice.

If you need help, please contact...

Jun 5, 2016 Leonid Kayum