Tips for living together. Have you decided to live together? Here's what the experts advise

Living together means solving problems together that would not have arisen if you had not started living together

Are you going to do next step in a relationship and live with him/her and share space in your or his apartment. Simply put

you decided to live together

Here are a few points to pay attention to

Let’s not think any more about the topic: “Is it worth living together before marriage?” We will assume that you have carefully weighed the pros and cons, and this moment this question has already been resolved for you - you want to be together, and what brings you closer together than living together.

Having decided to take such a responsible step, do not hesitate to take into account some tips that will help not to darken your bright hopes for a bright future together:

1 It’s better to settle on neutral territory. This is one of the main conditions for a happy life. If one partner moves in with the other, he will not feel free enough. The “guest” will have to put up with in accordance with the established procedure in the apartment, while it is necessary to establish general family rules that should take into account the interests of both. So that there are no excuses later: “These cowards are not lying around, but are always lying here.”

By arranging their home, investing their time and money in repairing a common den, he and she will again not be on equal terms. The owner of the apartment will be in a more advantageous situation: if something happens, he will not lose anything. While the other side will be forced to pack a suitcase and give up everything that was done with such difficulty and patience.

When living together, there will definitely be conflicts; exclude the possibility of saying to one in response to the claims of the other: “If you don’t like it, leave!” When the territory is neutral, both will have to leave, this calms the ardor a little and ways to solve the problem are found.

2 If you still had to move to the territory of another, Don’t throw away or move any things you don’t like to the far corner. Just ask your loved one why this thing is important to him and whether it is needed in your home. If she is dear to him, he will have to accept it. In general, try not to radically change the usual way of life of your half, at least for the first time you live together.

3 Divide the closet space. Let everyone have their own territory for personal belongings, otherwise sooner or later a debate will begin about why his socks are on her evening blouse.

4 Household chores. It's no secret that no one likes them. If your soulmate a little "sloppy", let's get away with it a few times. It's not the end of the world. But if a dirty apartment becomes the norm, gently and smoothly begin to accustom your loved one to order. They quickly get used to good things; maybe a cleanly washed floor will stop shocking him sooner or later.

5 When you live together, not everything goes smoothly, there is always something that infuriates you and drives you crazy. An uncapped tube of toothpaste, a toilet seat that hasn't been lowered, a dirty dish left out overnight. It is advisable to discuss before living together what is unacceptable for you and what annoys you, then there will be fewer problems later.

6 Make sure that you both have equal responsibilities around the house, as well as material costs for the apartment, utility bills, and groceries. This allows each party to feel like they are contributing to the relationship, thereby making it last longer.

7 Friends and girlfriends- they can be common, but everyone can have a personal friend. There is nothing wrong with the fact that your chosen one cannot find a relationship with one of his friends. mutual language. And don’t worry if your loved one communicates with his old friend without inviting you into the conversation. Eat mutual friends who are invited to family holidays and parties. And there are friends with whom, somewhere in the kitchen, personal problems are discussed face to face.

8 Give each other personal space. This may come as a shock to you - before, he always wanted to be close to you, but today he asks for privacy. If your loved one wants to be alone, this is not a reason to accuse him of not loving you. Every person needs his own personal space, the opportunity to be alone. Give each other this opportunity - as much as a person needs society, he also needs silence and the opportunity to be alone with himself.

At all Cohabitation- a rather important step, this will turn your relationship into a new direction, not always the direction you were counting on. Romance will disappear dates, new sensations, from now on you will see each other day and night and not always on parade.

Before moving in together, think about why you are taking this step and what sacrifices you are willing to make in order to be TOGETHER with your loved one, now FOREVER.

I can’t resist adding a video to this article.

Alexandra Savina

Deciding to live together- this and new stage in the life of any couple, and a serious test: reality does not always correspond to expectations (you will not only have to watch a movie together under a blanket, but also decide who washes the toilet or turns off the light before bed), besides, sharing space with another person is difficult in principle - and it is not always possible to reach a compromise. We talked to several heroes about how they started living with their partners, what they expected from life together, and whether they managed to adapt to each other.

Ekaterina Yakusheva

partner relations manager

lives with a partner 2 years

We met my boyfriend on Tinder, and after a month of correspondence we had our first date. I rented a room in Moscow, and he rented an apartment in the Moscow region. Sometimes he stayed with me, sometimes I came to see him on weekends. We realized that we would either move back and forth, or move in together and minimize rental costs (yes, we decided not only with our hearts, but also with our minds). He moved in with me and we shared a room for six months. The most difficult period The first weeks were when we distributed things, got used to each other’s work schedule (it was very different) and to the fact that we saw each other much more often than before. So, he found out that I occupy the entire space with my things, when cooking, I destroy the kitchen and, in general, do not pay attention to the small mess. On the contrary, he tried to optimize everything and follow the rule “where you got it from, put it back there.” It drove me crazy, but over time I adjusted and got used to it. Another stumbling block was breakfast: when we were dating, I could get up early and cook food for the two of us, when we moved in together, I chose sleep. We fought a little and decided that we would have breakfast together on the weekend.

At first the owner of the apartment lived in another room, and then she left to study, and a neighbor moved in instead. At some point, the young man and I decided that we more or less got along with each other, but we didn’t like sharing space with someone else. Therefore, six months later we packed our things and moved into an apartment that we have been renting for a year and a half.

When we moved in together, I was very worried that we would quarrel on domestic grounds and break up, or simply get bored of each other. Everything turned out to be not so scary: yes, there were moments of misunderstanding, but we discussed the problems and came to some kind of solution. We didn’t get bored either: we love to cook together, watch TV series, and play the PlayStation. When each of us wants to mind our own business, we announce “ free time"and we go our separate ways to different parties apartments. The main thing in living together is to be able to negotiate and give in. Today you give in, and tomorrow he gives in - and everyone is happy.

Yulia Panina

designer

lives with a partner 2 years

We officially moved in together four months after we met. Circumstances rather decided for us. Our romance was gaining momentum quite quickly, at that time I was renting a small one-room apartment and recent months I had a hard time managing the money. My partner shared an apartment with a colleague, but after some time they began to have domestic disagreements, and he spent more and more time with me. After a couple of months, for the financial convenience of both of us, we decided to move in together. More precisely, my man finally moved in with me.

It was not difficult to adapt, because there was a desire, a period of relationship development. We cooked together, arranged our home, planned our finances. It turned out that we are very similar in terms of tastes and lifestyle. Yes, there were minor everyday disagreements - about where it is better to buy groceries, which yogurt tastes better, and who will wash the dishes. I scolded him for leaving the toilet lid on, and he scolded me for my hair in the drain. After some time, he came to terms with the number of bottles and jars in the bathroom, we bought a dishwasher, distributed responsibilities around the house and even adopted a cat from the shelter.

My partner, at the age of thirty-five, had no experience of living with a girl. He turned out to be an avid bachelor, accustomed to living in his own routine and exclusively for himself. But I wanted care and romance. I demanded attention from him, but he wanted the same. So it was difficult for him, but I just had to be patient, throw away my fantasies about ideal relationship and accept him as he is. European equality in couples turned out to be a pleasant discovery for me. My man is not afraid to clean, go shopping, cook and even iron clothes. We do not have the concept of “a man/woman should/must”; we share absolutely all responsibilities.

Anton

journalist

lived with a girl 5 years

We didn’t have a plan to move in together as such - we just moved in together. Several hours or so passed between the first kiss and the decision to move in together. That is, absolutely the story of American teenagers who, in the heat of love, go to Reno and sign there a quick fix. Early marriage, only without rings and stamps. We clung to each other and did not want to leave even for a couple of hours. Actually, this is how everything continued for the first months. I remember there was no money at all - I had to choose between a pack of condoms and pizza for dinner - but we had us, and that was enough. Because of this, moving in together was much easier. We, of course, carefully probed the territory at first, studied each other’s habits and tastes: “Is this possible? And this? But as soon as common things appear, it becomes easier to think as “we” rather than “me and her.”

Accordingly, there were no expectations: this was both our first serious relationship and we both valued it. And because of this, of course, they made mistakes. Each of us did not understand what we wanted to do with our lives, and perhaps this was the reason why everything began to fall apart. At some point, she was unemployed for a year and became depressed. Now I understand what depression is, and when you come face to face with it for the first time, you try to convince yourself that everything will pass, it’s just Bad mood. "How are you?" - "Fine". Well, normal means normal, back to the bunker.

The danger of small everyday grievances (conventionally, the salt shaker is in the wrong place on the table) is that, although they are small, they tend to accumulate. And at some point we just got very tired of each other. They probably could have separated earlier, but the force of habit, inertia and the fear of being the first to talk about the problem (it turns out that you are, as it were, creating a problem) took their toll. At some point it became clear that we exist in the same space, but we no longer live together: different modes days, different social circles (the mutual friends we made during this time can be counted on one hand), different perspectives. And it was impossible to continue like this.

Oksana Medvedeva

English teacher

lives with her husband 4 years

We had been dating for a year when we reached a turning point in our relationship. We didn’t hear each other, didn’t understand, and even decided to break up. It was summer, I went to China, then to the Caucasus, and we communicated very little. When I returned to Moscow, we phoned and decided to go to the movies, and then Mitya said that his apartment would be available within a month. That evening we arrived at his house and began to live together. We talked a lot and a lot and finally saw each other for real. In those days, I realized that this is my person and that I want this month to never end, so that now we can have breakfast every morning in each other’s company.

After some time, we rented our first apartment and moved. Everything was amazing. I love Mitya more than order, so some everyday little things like socks on the floor and a dozen mugs on the desktop never irritated me. I don't think that such things are worth fighting over or having loud discussions about - whether you should lower the toilet lid after yourself or not. The only stumbling block for us was Mitya’s dog, since I have terrible allergies and the dog has long hair. Now she lives with Mitya’s relatives, so there are no more problems.

A pleasant surprise for me was that Mitya is not one of those who believes that household chores are not his responsibility. We do almost everything together: we do laundry, iron each other’s things, cook food. The only thing I make more often is probably his favorite pancakes. In general, we have been very comfortable with each other for four years now, two of which we have been married.

Margarita Virova

Wonderzine editor

lived with a partner 1.5 years

Two years ago, I dropped out of university, did odd jobs and didn’t really know how to live further - but I had a loved one, whom I moved in with without thinking twice. In my opinion, without even asking him about it: I already had experience of living together and I didn’t really imagine that it was possible to do it any other way. Most likely, my abusive habits and poor sense of perspective played a major role in this process. So, it was terrible.

We didn’t discuss any issues related to living together - we just each lived as we were used to, and our habits are very different. He studies a lot, he has an endless number of friends who regularly hung out with us (I hate crowds of guests, sorry!), he was often away from home, and we didn’t even discuss ideas about money and living together. You can’t just pick up and start living together. Believe me, you will have to change your lifestyle one way or another - not only stop throwing socks around and start removing dishes from the sofa area, but also face much more complex issues. What is your relationship with your partner’s relatives and friends? How much privacy do you need? How much joint leisure?

After another stupid scandal, we broke up, and I rented another place for myself. Now we continue to meet, and - really, everything has become much better! At least at the level of trust and mutual interest, the situation in our relations has become much more pleasant. For me, this story ended extremely usefully. I abandoned my belief that a couple is people who are nearby twenty-four hours a day. You need to live with those with whom you are comfortable living together, conveniently sharing responsibilities, with those with whom there are no conflicts regarding personal space. It just didn't work out for us, and that's okay. Now we enjoy spending time together, and we don't even have to spend the lion's share of that time trying to figure out who owes what to whom and who really is an asshole.

Ira Byazarti

Product Manager

lives with her husband year

We had an atypical situation: a friend deliberately introduced us, but forgot to tell us both that we live in different cities. I lived in Moscow, the guy lived in St. Petersburg.

We saw each other once every two weeks and essentially lived with each other on the weekends. We spent almost all our time sitting at home. I love to cook, so I spoiled my boyfriend with apple pies. We watched films, contacted friends on Skype, and crawled out to Nevsky or Maroseyka in the evenings.

After living like this for six months, we realized that we wanted to spend more time together, that we didn’t want to be apart for a long time. I realized that the guy is my ideal both from the point of view of a man and from the point of view of a neighbor. The guy realized that there was nothing better than my pies. And despite the fact that it was a little scary - only six months had passed since we met, and by modern standards this is very short term, - we were not going to retreat. He simply moved to Moscow, and we began to live together.

The first week was very unusual. Previously, you could come to your room, turn on “New Girl”, paint your nails at the same time, then stick to your ex’s Instagram for fun and fall asleep with a blanket tucked between your legs. At first it seemed that all this was now an unaffordable luxury. I had to cook dinner, wash the dishes, load the washing machine, plan a budget for the month. There was simply no time for nails.

Before that, I lived with my parents, and after leaving them, I felt free - after I moved in with my boyfriend, this feeling disappeared somewhere. I needed to share space with someone again. After a month, all these sensations passed, and we both got used to each other. It's just a guy who will turn on the series himself and choose the color of my manicure. We love each other madly and respect other people's interests.

In general, the “expectation” and “reality” pictures coincided. Everything that we did together when we were just living with each other remains. Of course, I didn’t realize how much I now need to think for two. More time is spent on ordinary household activities, and you learn to plan your time again. There were no unexpected discoveries, and it seems to me that this is because during the flower-bouquet period the guy and I were so honest that all the pros and cons were immediately clear. I knew that there might be food left on the dishes, although he washed them carefully, I knew that he did not lower the toilet lid, but was ready to do it for me if necessary, and that was enough.

Now we live together already more than a year, recently got married. After the wedding, nothing changed, and again, the key to this harmony is openness and love, no matter how banal or unrealistic it may sound.

Anastasia Peskova

PR manager

lives with her husband 1.5 years

Everything happened quite quickly for my husband and I: we met in August and got married in December. The decision to get married came two months after the first meeting. Of course, there were some questions: “Why so early?” and “Where are you in a hurry?” I think when a man really approaches, there is no point in delaying the wedding. Therefore, I did not have any serious concerns about our upcoming life together. How did I understand that I wanted to connect my life with this person? The main thing is a feeling of psychological comfort, common interests and values ​​- we even work in the same field.

In life together there are disagreements, which, in my opinion, is completely normal. The most important thing is not to harbor grievances and talk everything out before it accumulates. And coincide in opinions on global issues - be it a career, lifestyle, having children or, for example, buying real estate. And everyday disagreements can be resolved when the worldview generally coincides. Therefore, the “grinding in” period went smoothly for us.

I never wanted living together to limit me. And this, fortunately, did not happen: I still meet with my friends when I want, go on business trips, we do household chores together when the mood strikes (fortunately, there are cleaning services and restaurants as an alternative).

My husband takes this calmly, and I also try not to limit his personal space. Serious unpleasant surprises There weren’t any that would have unsettled me. And they were pleasant. For example, my husband likes to cook breakfast every day, this, in his words, allows me to tune in to the right mood - I look forward to meeting him in the morning in best case scenario I ate yoghurts. I like to arrange family meetings V home environment with setting tables and communicating - this strengthens relationships not only with him, but also with our relatives, which is also very important for me. If we talk about living together in general, it has made my life richer and more fulfilling.

Maria

manager at a pharmaceutical company

lives with her husband 3 years

The desire and decision to live together came organically, there was nothing even to discuss. But we didn’t move in together quickly - after almost two years of relationship. We wanted to do it before, but it wasn’t possible. In addition, my husband had already proposed to me at that time, so we saw the prospect and there were no longer any doubts.

We were lucky, and the “grinding in” went unnoticed: after all, we had already been dating for a long time and managed to get used to and adapt to each other, and setting up a common nest was an interesting and rather pleasant team-building adventure. Six months later, we bought a cat and with this we brought the comfort in the apartment to the limit - taking care of this little big-eared, stupid little lump, conquering the shelves and running around the bed at night, gave the feeling of a real family.

I didn’t set expectations for myself, but I believed that our common home would be the place where I wanted to return every evening after work. I also understood that this would not happen by itself and that I needed to work on it - both for me and for him, and even a little for the cat. And in fact, this work should never stop - and this is both the beauty and complexity of relationships. One of the pleasant discoveries was that I learned that my now husband can fix everything. And I definitely understood that now I would rather go to Ikea with my friends than drag my husband there: he fulfilled his lifelong quota in those first months.

Living together with a partner is not only the joy of sharing dinners, watching TV series and regular sex. This is the need to constantly share a bed and apartment space with another person. And it has many habits and features that you didn’t even know about before.

Christine Northam is sure that before you discuss living together with your partner, you need to honestly answer the question of why you need to take this step.

“This is a big decision that involves self-denial for the sake of your partner's interests, so it is important to consider whether you want to live with this person long years. Maybe you're just overwhelmed by your emotions, she explains. – Often only one person in a couple is ready for serious relationship, and the second lends itself to persuasion. It is necessary that both partners want this and understand the seriousness of such a step. Discuss all aspects of your future life together with your partner.”

Alice, 24, and Philip, 27, dated for about a year and began living together a year and a half ago.

“Philip’s rental agreement for the apartment was ending, and we thought: why not try to live together? We didn’t really know what we expected from our life together. But if you don’t take risks, the relationship won’t develop,” says Alisa.

Now young people have already gotten used to it. They rent a house together and plan to buy an apartment in a few years, but at first not everything was smooth.

Before making a decision about living together, it is important to find out your partner’s personality type, visit him, see how he lives

“At first I was offended by Philip because he didn’t want to clean up after himself. He grew up among men, and I among women, and we had to learn a lot from each other,” recalls Alice. Philip admits that he had to become more organized, and his girlfriend had to come to terms with the fact that the house would not be perfectly clean.

Jean Harner is sure that before making a decision about living together, it is important to pay attention to the personality type of your partner. Visit him and see how he lives. “If you feel uncomfortable because of the chaos around you or, conversely, you are afraid of dropping crumbs on a perfectly clean floor, you should think about it. The habits and beliefs of adults are difficult to change. Try to agree on compromises that each of you is willing to make. Discuss each other’s needs in advance.”

Christine Northam suggests couples planning life together, agree on what they will do if the habits, requirements or beliefs of one of them become a stumbling block.

“If domestic disputes do arise, try not to blame each other rashly. Before discussing the problem, you need to “cool down” a little. Only when the anger has subsided can you sit down at the negotiating table to listen to each other’s opinions,” she advises and invites partners to talk about their feelings and be interested in their partner’s opinion: “I was so upset when I saw a mountain of dirty clothes on the floor. Do you think anything can be done to prevent this from happening again?”

Over time, Alice and Philip agreed that everyone would have their own place in bed and dining table. This removed some of the conflicts between them.

Living together takes relationships to a new, more trusting level. And such relationships are worth working on.

Girls, at what intimate meeting, in your opinion, can you no longer use condoms? Now I mean them precisely as a means of protection against diseases (after all, you can protect yourself from pregnancy in another way).

I know that many men (especially after 45 years) do not want to wear condoms at all, even on their first intimate date. But in my opinion, this is utter recklessness

We've only been married for two years, but we haven't gone on vacation together yet. The fact is that both my husband and I have different concepts about relaxation. For the second year in a row, he has been visiting his relatives in another region. They have a summer house in a beautiful place and there is excellent fishing there. I’m not at all tempted to fish for 2 weeks and live in simple house with outdoor amenities. Therefore, during this period I went to my parents, which gave me great pleasure. Then there was an opportunity to go to the seaside, but my husband agreed that I should go with my sister, but he himself didn’t want to go there. Man does not like the sun and beach holiday. That's all of us for now

IN Lately I noticed a trend that people are celebrating their wedding in closer family circle, not satisfied lush celebrations... My husband’s cousin got married, we weren’t invited. Then they said that they celebrated in a close family circle. A friend got married, there were also only parents, brothers and sisters... What is this, a crisis? or people don’t want to bother with all this pre-wedding preparation

I have been dating a guy for more than 5 years, my friend also knows him well. And then a friend offers me some intimate thing, I’m completely shocked, of course I refused, I won’t tell the guy anything, there will be such a scandal. I thought that I had a normal and understanding friend, he himself said that our relationship with the guy was excellent and was jealous in a good way. But why did he offer me sex? What does it mean that he sees me as a whore and not as a girlfriend? And he doesn’t care about all the friendship? It was in a slightly drunken state. It’s a shame, I didn’t raise this topic with him, and I don’t want to, I’m embarrassed

My husband is a passionate lover and an insatiable experimenter in sex. Almost every month he acquires various sexual toys with which we get to know each other. But this time his imagination simply amazed me. He decided to buy a sexy swing for $500. Girls, what do you think, should you allow your husband to further realize his fantasies or forbid him to do this?

I am 26 years old, I am a single mother.

My son is 4 years old, his dad abandoned him when I was 6 months old. At first he wanted a child but then decided that he was not ready. He just got lost, I didn’t bother him anymore either. I raise the baby and put him on his feet myself. I have a one-room apartment, I work as a teacher in kindergarten. In general, we are not dying of hunger, but it’s hard. I’m trying to help my parents; my mother has stage 3 cancer. I don’t even think about my personal life, my last man is my son’s dad.

But four months ago a new tenant appeared on our staircase. This is not a poor man

I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years now. This doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s already quite a lot! And during all this time, we have never disagreed or quarreled much, but our relationship is not the same as before. I know it's candy but bouquet period lasts a maximum of the first six months or a year. And then, everything gradually calms down! We live together, but sometimes we spend time separately while at home; he hugs and kisses noticeably less. Yes, he is with me, and he loves me just as much, but tenderness and attention to me has become very little. How do you fix this or maintain balance in the relationship? What should you do in such

My husband and I found ourselves in a rather awkward situation. We have neighbors in the country - a young couple (35-38 years old) with a child. our children are friends, they are nice interesting people, we communicate well. Sometimes we have dinner together in the evening, we even met in the city a couple of times - we went for walks with the children.

the fence between the plots is a mesh... so what happens on the neighboring plot - everything is clear in the palm of your hand. The neighbor's husband works out of town and is often away. And so, when he is not there, she sometimes comes with a man. They spend the night and leave in the morning. This happened several times.