How to find a common language with your daughter 25. How to find a common language with your daughter

01.10.2019

Question to a psychologist

I can’t find a common language with my adult daughter. She constantly blames me for everything, because I didn’t raise her like that, devoting little time to her. She has a family and 2 years old, I try to help her and everything is wrong, I’m not happy with everything. I try my best to please her, but it’s all in vain. She doesn’t need my advice, considers me outdated, behaves arrogantly with me. We are constantly at war. For her, the advice of her friends is more valuable than mine. In general, she destroys me with her stressful behavior , and it means that she sits at home with small children. I don’t know how I should continue to live, I live alone and separately from them. Help me understand the situation. Thank you

Hello Nina! Your relationship with your daughter did not develop yesterday. If she accuses you, it means that she has accumulated a lot of grievances against you over the past years. Therefore, she is annoyed by your help, especially if she does not ask for it from you. She doesn’t trust your upbringing, so she doesn’t listen to your advice. She doesn’t believe that you suddenly became “good” and want to help her. I would recommend telling her about your feelings - tell her that you are offended to hear this, that at one time you may not have given her something due to certain reasons, you could have been wrong, but you loved as best you could, as best you could. Ask her what she is offended by, some episodes in childhood, ask for forgiveness if you were to blame or explain your behavior if you were not, etc. Tell her that you are now ready to cooperate with her. Don’t ask for help, just tell me if you need help, you can contact me at any time. At home, mind your own business. I am sure that sooner or later she will turn to you. Be patient. Good luck to you!

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Judging by your letter, you do not have YOUR own life...

And you live, to a greater extent, the life of your daughter.

Normally, the lives of children and friends should not occupy 100 percent...

Otherwise, you may cause rejection from your loved ones.

Come - we can talk about all this deeper and more clearly. In order to move on...

G. Idrisov.

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NINA!

You shouldn’t go out of your way to please! Live your life and meet your needs! Help when you are asked!

And finally - love yourself! - then your daughter will treat you differently!

I wish you to find yourself! With uv. Olga V.

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Hello, Nina! There is a reason for your daughter’s attitude towards you. You can only learn it from your daughter, because you most likely do not see it and are not inclined to see it. I can only offer some versions, and you try to check them:

Your ideas about life and values conflict with those of your daughter (this happens when mothers spend little time communicating with their children and do not pass on their values to them)
Your daughter is offended and angry with you for something and these feelings are still relevant
You violate your daughter’s personal boundaries (by failing to respect them, not intentionally), and therefore she is aggressive towards you.

In any case, you can find out the reasons for this attitude towards you if you manage to establish a constructive and friendly dialogue with your daughter, without reproaches, criticism and attacks. But since you haven’t done this yet, you probably don’t have the resources to implement it yet, and that’s a pity. Only then can you find out reliably about the real reasons, and not guess from the coffee grounds. All the best, Elena.

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Many parents are truly afraid of one thing - their children's adolescence. In particular girls. After all, they don’t know how to communicate with their teenage daughter. And how to be friends with her.

The conflict between fathers and sons is almost one of the most ancient in the history of mankind. Each new generation, making evolutionary and technological leaps forward, invariably marks time when it comes to the relationship between parents and children.

What is this? Is it a glitch in our genetics or just insurmountable contradictions that we just have to come to terms with? Be that as it may, we all step on the same rake, only over the years realizing how many mistakes could have been avoided.

But is it possible to explain this to children? Especially teenagers. Especially for teenage girls, with whom it is almost impossible to find a common language (with sons everything is easier). Each thinks that her problems cannot be compared with the problems of her parents - and what do they, adults, even understand. And the latter, in turn, do not want and do not know how to understand, which is why the gap between generations becomes almost insurmountable.

Of course, most articles from the Internet will advise visiting a psychologist, but try to mention this at least once to an insecure girl, and a volcanic reaction will not be long in coming. In fact, you can find a common language with your daughter, you just need to want to do it for real, and not like a parent.

So how can you improve your relationship with your teenage daughter?

Don't try to talk to her in her own language

In an independent search for an answer to a tormenting family question, many parents come to the conclusion that in order to achieve mutual understanding, they need to become “one of them.” Speak in slang, use fashionable terms and try to wedge yourself into the “party.” However, this is wrong.

Such behavior will only push the girl away even more, because she will simply feel ashamed in Spanish (this is when you speak, and she will be ashamed). Children understand perfectly well that between them and their parents there is a certain distance filled with different cultural values. Therefore, when adults try to swim across the English Channel, it looks hopeless and stupid. This only ingrains in the child’s mind the idea that her parents do not understand anything and do not want to understand, since in this way they are trying to mock her.

Tell your story

In the minds of most children, their parents are immediately born as adults, strict and prim bores, to whom only grades are important and the concept of first love is alien. No matter how much you try to find a common language with your teenage daughter, if she perceives you as the cold iceberg on which the Titanic crashed, all attempts will be in vain.

Tell her your story. How did you fall in love for the first time? How did you suffer the first time? How your heart was broken. Of course, you can’t delve into “dirty” details and share intimate details of your personal life with her (destroying the image of a parent is absolutely forbidden), but showing that you are also a person is important and necessary. Your teenage daughter should see in you the same sensitive, suffering and not devoid of feelings soul that once went through something similar. This should not be a conversation in the spirit of “but in our time” or “what do you understand in life” - it should be a conversation “once I too had my heart broken.”

Let her see you young

Many parents tell their children very little about their early life. Because of this, teenagers have no idea of what happened before they were born. They don't know you as a teenager, they don't know who you were. But if they knew this, perhaps your teenage daughter and you could become friends.

Tell her what stories you've been in. How they cut the only and precious jeans at the knees, because it was ultra-fashionable. How they listened to music in the dorm and sang songs. How we smoked for the first time. The first time we got drunk. How your parents tried to find a common language with their teenage daughter, and you said that they did not understand anything. After all, it all happened, why deny it? But adults hide this, afraid of setting a bad example - and then others set it. In any case, your daughter will misbehave, break the rules and mess around somewhere, but it’s better for her to tell you this than for you to find out about it at 2 am from the local police officer.

Never humiliate

Parents can be strict, tough and domineering, but they should never be cruel. Yes, teenagers are difficult people, with whom it is not always possible to establish relationships, but they always remain yours no matter what they did.

You should never resort to rudeness and humiliation, mockery and ridicule, because this will completely destroy trust and the desire to become closer. Your daughter already has a hard time at school, most likely she is not confident in herself, is embarrassed by her body, does not know how to control her red cheeks at the sight of the boy she likes, constantly says stupid things and cries at night from unrequited love. She definitely doesn't need another dose of misunderstanding and cruelty. She doesn’t need your condescending smiles and mockery of her feelings, she doesn’t even need understanding. It is enough for her to simply respect her space, her emotions and her words. Simple human respect.

If she sees him, she will look at her parents completely differently. She will get to know you from a different side. He recognizes you as young, sensitive, and somewhere like children. She may not tell you everything, she won’t immediately run to you for any advice, but she will understand that you are not from another planet - and she will get to know you better. And then and only then will she be able to make friends with you.

Instructions

Respect your daughter, be proud, always talk about your love for her, even in moments of disobedience and whim, but at the same time focus on the fact that her unseemly actions and words cause you severe mental pain, and therefore punishment is a consequence of such behavior.

If the attention of a 1-5 year old child can be diverted from whims to another area of interest, a schoolchild can be forced to obey the demands of his parents, then many do not know what to expect. All that remains is to wait for the hormones to “settle down” and point in the right direction. But at the same time, constantly be interested in her affairs sincerely, and not just for show.

For example, if your daughter puts on makeup at the age of 10, teach her how to use children’s cosmetics; wears only fashionable, expensive brands - get a job during the holidays or give a list of mandatory tasks with a payment price list; painted walls and a mess in the room - you have to put up with it, its territory, but the rest of the rooms of the apartment should be perfectly clean.

Before deciding on punishment, try to understand the reason for a child’s behavior. Sometimes there is a noble motive behind a child’s misdeed, but due to the child’s short-sightedness and maximalism, more “nasties” result. For example, to please her mother, her daughter made a sponge cake for the first time, taking the last 25 eggs and half a bottle of wine and getting the kitchen completely dirty.

Prohibitions will also lead to nothing, but will only fuel children’s curiosity, so answer all your child’s questions sincerely and thoroughly. Remember, while she asks questions, it means that something is unclear to her; if she switches her attention to other interests, it means that the question has been settled. By the way, your child can get answers to his questions from other people, but where is the guarantee that this information will not harm the baby.

If a girl defends her territory, then she is, in principle, right, then together draw up a charter, where you will spell out the rights and responsibilities of each family member, as well as penalties for violating the agreement. For example, for excellent academic performance throughout the entire school year, a daughter is awarded a trip to the sea, and poor grades for the year will lead to a labor camp.

Make it a rule every evening to take an interest in each other’s affairs, help with words and deeds, and share family problems. A child who is included in the life of the family, lives with the problems of his parents, will cause them less pain. For example, a daughter will not ask for a new fur coat, knowing that her father was laid off at work, or will take on household responsibilities, knowing that her mother cannot overwork herself for six months afterward.

The relationship between mothers and their growing daughters is often complicated by contradictions. How to become “your own” for your teenage daughter without losing parental authority in her eyes?

Just a few months ago, your daughter was an affectionate and obedient child, but today you simply don’t recognize her: she dyed her hair an eerie purple color, snaps back sharply in response to all questions, and doesn’t tell you where or with whom she goes in the evenings. What's happening? In general, this is a completely normal phenomenon: your girl is becoming an adult. It is in your power to help her go through this stage naturally, without unnecessary shocks.

The daughter is the embodiment of the continuity of the feminine principle in the chain of generations, a continuation of the femininity of her mother. And at a certain stage, when a little girl turns into a girl, it is very important that the mother is able, figuratively speaking, to pass on this crown of femininity to her. In other words, she accepted the fact that her daughter was becoming an adult and had the right to live her own life, perhaps different from her mother’s ideas. In this case, an equal, mature relationship can be established between them. Let's look at the six most common problems in the mother-teenage daughter relationship and try to find the key to solving them.

Problem 1. Brand mania

Maybe just recently your daughter didn’t care what jeans and sneakers she wore around the yard. But for some time now she has been demanding exclusively branded items. Going shopping with her turns into sheer torture: she only likes branded items, and in response to your offer to choose something simpler, she only curls her lips disdainfully.

Our advice. Try to avoid two extremes: spending the lion's share of the family budget on princess outfits and deliberately buying your daughter faceless, cheap things “so as not to spoil her.” The most pedagogical option is to allocate the amount for your teenager’s wardrobe that your and your husband’s income actually allows.

And remember that it is you who build your daughter’s self-esteem by your example. A growing girl sensitively notices how you satisfy your own needs, what you allow yourself and what you don’t. And subsequently he will treat himself the same way. Therefore, a mother should hardly give up beautiful clothes and cosmetics, just so that her daughter is dressed like a doll. This approach is very fertile ground for cultivating selfishness in a maturing lady. So if tomorrow she asks you for a couture outfit, don’t be surprised.

Yes, another bright new thing will please the girl’s vanity, but it is likely that deep down in her heart she will be embarrassed by her poorly dressed, unkempt mother. And it’s so important for a girl to be proud of her mother! A tastefully dressed mother, with a stylish hairstyle and manicure, happy with herself and life is the best lesson of self-love that you can teach your daughter.

By setting some restrictions in terms of the cost of outfits, give your daughter freedom in choosing models. You can introduce certain rules: for example, once every three months - one branded item. Or enter a limit on the amount: say, 500 UAH per month for outfits. And let the daughter decide for herself whether to buy some expensive jeans or several simpler things with this money. Sales and online stores will be a good help for a young fashionista - they can really buy good things at half or even three times the original cost.

Try not to impose your vision of stylish clothing on your daughter. She should have the final say when choosing an item – after all, it’s her to wear, not you. It is clear that outfits for school should not be too frivolous - but otherwise, give the girl the right to dress the way she likes (even if something seems too informal to you).

Problem 2. First sex

Today's teenagers learn the joys of carnal love much earlier than their parents did - this is an indisputable fact. If 30-40 years ago the first sexual experience occurred after 20 years, today the bar has dropped to 14-16. Moreover, in the era of accessibility of information, parents of a teenager risk finding themselves in an anecdotal situation: “Daughter, let’s talk about sex” - “Come on, mommy. What do you want to know?"

Our advice. Your task is to calmly perceive the new stage in the life of your growing daughter. After all, we all have the need to eat, sleep, breathe - no one is surprised by this. The same need of a growing person is the realization of his sexuality. However, if there is a trusting atmosphere at home, the teenager is unlikely to “rush into all seriousness.”

Many girls admit that they had sexual intercourse not because they wanted it, but because they were afraid of losing their boyfriend. Try to convey your position regarding sex to your daughter in a balanced way, without moralizing: explain what, in your opinion, sexual relationships should be based on, what motives can be the starting point for starting a sexual life. Remind your daughter that her body belongs only to her and she has the right to dispose of it exclusively! And let her know that in any situation she can count on your understanding, help and support. Don't be shy about talking to her about sex.

Now in schools, as part of the program to combat AIDS, lectures are given to high school students on methods of contraception and sexually transmitted diseases. For parents, these lectures are a good reason to support the “sexual topic” with a frank conversation at home. Sociological research has revealed that in the lives of teenagers with whom their parents regularly and confidentially discuss sex issues, rape and unplanned pregnancies are much less likely to occur.

Introduce your daughter to a gynecologist - perhaps she will not want to discuss some sensitive issues with you, but she will be able to trust the doctor. Give your teenager an encyclopedia about sex. Modern books openly talk about possible substitutes for sexual intercourse. If a teenager is not yet sexually active, alternative erotic games (petting, coitus between the thighs) at his age are quite sufficient.

Problem 3. Passion for losing weight

When a girl grows into a young woman, her body undergoes a number of changes. Rounded shapes are not to the taste of all teenagers - and the struggle for the “ideal figure” begins. Unfortunately, sometimes its consequences are anorexia and bulimia.

Our advice. And again we can’t do without an example. Your own. Most likely, your daughter will feel about her body in much the same way as you feel about yours. Therefore, think a hundred times before calling yourself a “fat cow” and complaining that “they don’t make beautiful outfits for fat women like me.”

Refrain from making unflattering comments about your daughter’s appearance - for her now, any critical remark about her figure is especially painful. You probably don’t want to offend her when you say: “With your figure, it’s better not to wear such dresses,” but some neutral phrase like: “Let’s try on a few more models” would be much better received.

Tell your daughter that the fashion for skinny boyish figures was created artificially by male designers, among whom there are a lot of people with non-traditional sexual orientation. Explain that the weight loss industry is a very profitable business. But there is no single standard of beauty!

Fortunately, in recent years, unhealthy thinness has ceased to be popular - girls with normal figures and natural faces are increasingly looking at us from advertising posters. If your daughter is still concerned about the idea of losing weight, convince her not to rely on “quick” diets offered by glossy magazines.

After all, for the proper formation of a growing body, it is important that the diet be balanced! It's better to visit a good nutritionist together. He will tell you how to adjust your diet in such a way as to achieve the desired effect. And motivate your daughter to play sports. Your arguments will be more convincing if you go to the gym with the whole family.

Attention! If your daughter refuses to eat or provokes vomiting after eating, find an opportunity to urgently consult with a good psychologist and therapist: such signs may indicate serious emotional and physiological disorders!

Problem 4. Alcohol and nicotine

Among teenagers, alcohol and nicotine are often considered essential attributes of growing up. How to react if you find a pack of cigarettes in your daughter’s purse or discover that she came home drunk?

Our advice. Sooner or later, almost every teenager tries cigarettes and strong drinks. The question is whether this experiment will be a one-time thing. And this largely depends on the parents, because family traditions are stronger than the influence of the street. Think about it: what kind of drinking culture does your child observe in his parents’ home?

If a daughter or son sees that it is customary for adults to finish an empty bottle of alcohol the same evening, and to celebrate celebrations until they are blue in the face, it is likely that in the future the child will adhere to the same strategy. If parents only occasionally treat themselves to a glass of good wine at dinner, the offspring is unlikely to develop a painful craving for alcohol. The same can be said about smoking.

If you and your husband don't smoke, it's unlikely that your daughter will develop a nicotine addiction—even if she tries cigarettes a few times. And if you talk about the dangers of nicotine, and at the same time smoke a cigarette, such moralizing will be of little use. Keep in mind that ultimatum prohibitions, as a rule, lead to the exact opposite result, creating the effect of forbidden fruit. It is much more effective to have a heart-to-heart talk with a teenager as an equal, as with an adult. Stories about various diseases as “anti-tobacco” arguments, as a rule, work poorly - in adolescence, it seems to all of us that we will always be as cheerful, healthy and full of energy as we are now.

Most likely, your daughter will be much more impressed by the story about the state of her skin and teeth after a few months of smoking. During such a conversation, try to move away from the role of the “correct” mother and moralizer. If at one time you yourself happened to smoke and then quit, tell your daughter about this experience: it can be very useful for her. Even if you still smoke, tell your teen that you really regret that things are the way they are and that if you could turn back time, you would never have taken your first puff. Don’t be afraid to seem weak or uneducational - your frankness will build a bridge of mutual understanding between you and give your daughter a chance not to repeat your mistakes.

Problem 5. Relationship with father

Regardless of whether a girl grows up in a complete family or not, adolescence is often a time of tough confrontation with her father. Should the mother intervene in this confrontation or, on the contrary, is it better to take a neutral position?

Our advice. Whether we like it or not, the father always remains the main man in the life of every girl. At least, that's what psychologists say. And they insist that the relationship with the parent dictates the style of relationships with all members of the opposite sex. Of course, it’s good when a father and daughter have complete mutual understanding, when the head of the family surrounds his women - his wife and daughter - with sincere care, admiration and attention. Then the formation of femininity in a growing girl takes place without “distortions”, and a model of harmonious relationships between a man and a woman is laid in her mind.
But reality is far from ideal and such an idyll does not happen in all families. The main thing a girl needs to know is that her dad loves her. Try to convey this to her. Explain what feelings actually lie behind certain fatherly actions (for example, a taboo on discos may be dictated by fear for his daughter). At the same time, it is important to make the girl understand that the father is the head of the family and the right to make the final decision in controversial situations remains with him. This balance of power is also important for the teenager himself - so as not to lose ground under his feet.

Have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse. Explain to him what difficult experiences your daughter is experiencing now, remember together how the puberty period proceeded for each of you - this will help you better understand your child. And don’t be shy about showing your daughter your love for her - this is exactly the case when it’s impossible to overdo it.

Problem 6: Teenage idols

In her room, all the walls are covered with posters depicting some young man with a dubious appearance. Or she voraciously reads glamorous novels and obscure fantasy. Or maybe she wears all black, dyes her hair a crazy color, and wears a ring on her tongue. Does this worry you?

Our advice. Today's youth have many different cultural values than their parents. However, this has been the case at all times: this is how the notorious generational conflict manifests itself. Remember how, as a student, you collected records of Michael Jackson and Yura Shatunov. And our great-grandmothers probably kept photographs of the young Vertinsky in their silk reticules. So nothing extraordinary is happening to your daughter - the need to create idols for themselves is observed in all generations of young ladies.

The best thing you can do for your daughter right now is to respect her feelings. There is no need to tell her that her love for a singer or artist is a priori doomed to lack of reciprocity, or to assure her that her feeling will soon pass, “like smoke from white apple trees.” Instead, let the girl know that you understand her feelings. Tell her that once you, too, were in love with the lead singer of “Tender May,” collected all the group’s records and even wrote a letter to Yura Shatunov. And then I met the one who became the father of your children - and a completely different story began.

Even if you are annoyed by the books, music and films that your daughter is interested in, or the informal friends with whom she communicates, do not rush to show your condemnation. Better try to understand her values. Ask her to recommend some of her favorite books or tell you about goths and emo. Who knows, when you will learn more about your daughter’s inner world - perhaps you will find something interesting in it for yourself? In any case, the chances for mutual understanding and mutual trust with this approach are much greater!

No one can support and console like a mother. And at the same time, no one’s ridicule, reproach or moralizing - said with intent or dropped casually - can hurt as much as from the lips of a mother. Remember this, and it will be easier for you to find mutual understanding with your daughter.

You are not rivals!

Sometimes the growing up of a daughter awakens in the mother feelings that she herself is ashamed of: jealousy, envy, irritation. Psychologists recommend not to suppress “shameful” emotions, but to understand the reasons that caused them.

During adolescence, maternal traits appear more and more clearly in a girl - and a daughter, like a mirror, can reflect those qualities that her mother does not accept in herself. In this case, irritation with your daughter is, in fact, rejection of yourself. Instead of “reshaping” a difficult teenager, figure out your complexes (perhaps with the help of a good psychologist). When peace and harmony reign in your soul, your relationship with your daughter will become better.

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How to find a common language with your daughter 25. How to find a common language with your daughter

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