The first marriage failed. Happy second marriage: myth or reality? Do not try to "step on the same rake"

What would you say to someone who claims that, after a 15-minute conversation with you and your other half, he is able to make an accurate and final diagnosis of a family union? Such statements cause at least a skeptical reaction, but it is on them that the famous psychologist John Gottmans, who for many years has been engaged in "field" studies of marriages - successful and not so successful, has built a reputation for himself.

According to the scientist, in the process of communicating with thousands of married and cohabiting couples, he managed to develop his own methodology for express assessment of the psychological state and, accordingly, the prospects for a union between a man and a woman, whoever they both are.

“Based on a 15-minute observation of the behavior of partners, especially their interactions with each other, I can predict with 94 percent accuracy whether they will continue to be together in the future or break up,” Gottmans proudly said at a recent press conference in Seoul. - The success that I managed to achieve has a downside: my married friends very rarely invite me to family dinners and holidays, fearing that I will start diagnosing them, and these diagnoses will be disappointing.

Over the past week, Gottmans, along with his wife Julia, has been holding workshops with South Korean colleagues who specialize in family counseling and with newlyweds who adore each other but admit that there are certain stumbling blocks in their relationship.

In Asia, the diagnostic technique developed by this marriage guru is very popular: clinics are opened here that work on his recommendations, books are translated, in particular, the most popular collection of tips, Ten Lessons for Rebuilding a Marriage.

The 68-year-old Gottmans himself admits that for the first time he seriously thought about the possibility of diagnosing married couples, having personally encountered problems in communicating with his wife. How these problems were solved, the scientist is silent, but the fact that he and Julia still remain together and go everywhere together clearly testifies in favor of the psychologist. John devoted almost 35 years to developing his unique methodology, during which he studied the relationships of more than three thousand couples living in different parts of the world.

Based on the results of an incredibly long "laboratory work", the expert formulated the principles on which, as he himself is sure, a prosperous, stable marriage is based. The first danger that young spouses must avoid is the risk of losing mutual understanding after the birth of a child.

“This period is critical for any couple,” says the psychologist. “According to the data I received, 67 percent of spouses temporarily cease to feel happy in marriage. And this lasts for the first three years of a child’s life. Hostility arises between young parents, the reason for which lies mainly , in the inability to pay each other as much attention as before, and care-related concerns for the baby. "

The animosity that builds up between husband and wife is projected onto the child, it is literally in the air - and ultimately affects how the son or daughter perceives the family. “The baby’s nervous system is being damaged, cognitive abilities and emotional development are suffering,” explains Gottmans. “But there is the remaining 33 percent of parents who go through this critical period without loss, keeping their relationship under control and not letting unpleasant experiences break out. I was interested , what is the difference between those who endure the "children's crisis" relatively calmly, and the rest, who, alas, make up the majority.

The scientist identifies four main emotional reactions that, with frequent and intense manifestations, become destructive for marriage - this is isolation (including self-defense), quarrelsomeness, addiction to unconstructive criticism and contempt. The latter, according to Gottmans, is the worst for the family. “Contempt is like an acid that corrodes the foundations of marriage, it kills feelings, even those that were very powerful at the time of marriage,” the psychologist explains.

He developed a system of trainings to help inexperienced spouses avoid pitfalls on the way to saving a marriage. The technique used by the psychologist is based on four methods. The first one is aimed at transferring family conflicts into a more constructive direction, the second one is aimed at developing not only love, but also friendly relations between husband and wife, the third one is aimed at increasing the role of the father in raising a child, the fourth one is aimed at understanding partners of their community as a family.

Gottmans is deeply convinced that feelings themselves cool extremely rarely, and in most cases the breakdown of a marriage is provoked by external causes. "The main burden on relations between spouses comes from outside, for example, because of work," the psychologist believes.

Therefore, in his opinion, in developing countries that are experiencing an economic boom (and this is now typical for the Asian region), the percentage of divorces is so high, especially against the background of centuries-old family traditions that are weakening under the pressure of such attractive and progressive Western values. For example, in South Korea, the figures are ominous: over the past three decades, the number of marriages ending in divorce has increased five times - and this despite the fact that the birth rate has dropped four times.

Unsuccessful marriage is the cause of premature aging:

A divorce is better than a failed marriage, according to Ohio State University. An unhappy family life greatly affects the physical health of a woman and her appearance.The constant stress that accompanies a failed marriage is the cause of premature aging of a woman.The aging process is accelerated primarily at the cellular level. This is provoked by diseases of the cardiovascular and nervous systems. Subsequently, signs of aging appear on the face.

Divorce also negatively affects health and appearance, but less intensely than the prolonged stress in an unhappy marriage.Don't worry if your first marriage was a complete disaster. As the researchers found, in this case, the chances of a second successful marriage increase significantly.The divorce rate after the first marriage in developed countries has jumped from 18% to 45-50% over the past 40 years. Modern women are no longer afraid to break up with husbands who do not suit them for some reason. As experts aptly point out, the divorce rate directly correlates with the number of working women. The fewer women choose the career of a housewife, the more women go through divorce and remarriage.

The first marriage can end unsuccessfully for a variety of reasons. Mutual fatigue, resentment, disappointment, or even severe stress due to constant scandals can push for a divorce. British experts have found that the more catastrophic the first marriage, the higher the chances that the second marriage will be successful and lasting.This is easy to explain in terms of logic. Firstly, people enter into remarriage, as a rule, not too young, who are able to more soberly assess all the advantages and disadvantages of their potential spouse. Secondly, these people very clearly understood during their first marriage what exactly they want to receive from their soul mate in particular and from the family in general.

“The second marriage is happy, because by this moment you know yourself, and you know what you want,” says family psychologist Naomi Collinson. “If you like a leader, then in the second marriage, initially put yourself in a leadership position, and if you need strong man, then choose just such a man. Remarriage allows you to find a true soul mate - a person who will complement you in everything. This is the secret of a happy, long relationship."

Based on materials: www.medikforum.ru

When a person is going through a divorce, we can say that he was unlucky to a certain extent: he made a mistake in choosing, made mistakes, etc. If a person goes through two unsuccessful marriages (or more), then it can be said that no conclusions were drawn from the first unsuccessful relationship.

Even if we take into account that bad luck can be the cause of an unsuccessful marriage, then it is extremely difficult to attribute a second divorce to this.

If a person has experienced an unsuccessful marriage twice, then it should be recognized that it is he who has problems with building relationships. Even if the problem lies only in the plane of behavior, it means that a person does not draw conclusions at all based on previous experience.

Among the clients of family psychologists, such people come across quite rarely.

Usually they tend to attribute their unsuccessful relationships to some circumstances: to the wrong people who meet on their way, to the fact that somehow everything did not work out.

They very rarely come to the assumption that if something did not work out for them, then they themselves are to blame.

As a rule, there is something in common that unites such people. And this is common - an absolute unwillingness to take responsibility when building relationships, a fear of letting someone into your personal life, not being able to see, and most importantly, understand your family and family members.

Have you noticed how many "NOT" are there? And as a result, it didn't work out.

Many people are in a sincere illusion that when creating a family, all their efforts end in a wedding.

“Well,” they say, “here is the stamp in the passport - we are a family.”

But the stamp in the documents is only a documentary registration of relations.

Without built relationships within a married couple, there is no family.

This is like an official paper confirming that the house has been built and is ready for commissioning, but if the paper is not confirmed by the facts - a really completed house, then it is not worth anything.

If there are gaps between the windows, the doors are skewed, the walls are not even, and the roof is leaking, you won’t be able to live in such a house. With family life, everything is exactly the same.

With the legalization of relations, only their status changes. The very same work to create your family is still ahead.

Most often, the question that a person has had several unsuccessful marriages is not asked by this person himself, but by his next partner, who is afraid that after a while he will also go into the category of ex-wives or husbands. And, I must say, that he is afraid quite justifiably.

In the case of building relationships with a person who has already experienced a divorce several times, you should, if possible, contact a family psychologist, even before legitimizing the relationship again. It can be quite difficult to do this, especially if he is sure that everything is in order with him: it’s just “bad luck”. In this case, you must say that you are afraid that he will not be "lucky" with you either. The psychologist will help to work out those aspects in the personality and behavior of the partner, which in the previous relationship served as prerequisites for the emergence of the reasons why his married life broke up. The main task in this case is to form in the partner a desire for concrete actions to change oneself. It should be understood that marital relations are made up of the mutual efforts of the spouses to build them.

If you yourself have been in an unhappy marriage more than once, then you should understand that luck is a mental category, a skill that consists in recognizing and using successful opportunities.

If you were “unlucky” before, then this does not mean at all that you should “unlucky” in the future.

You need to understand that it is never too late to change. In the ability of a person to change himself and his behavior to a more effective one.

A successful marriage is not a game of chance, not luck given from above, not the alignment of the stars that leads you to meet that one person. A successful marriage is the skill of using effective ways to communicate with your spouse. A successful marriage is a system of knowledge about how to solve problem situations and how to be happy together with the person who is nearby. A successful marriage is all about making the person you love happy. In a successful marriage, these efforts bring joy.

If you think that you have nothing to learn, you are mistaken. Thousands of people are trained every year to improve personal performance in business, and most often these are successful people, or those who want to be successful.

Do you want to be successful in your own family?

In relationships that give more than business? Then learn how to do it. Just as you have learned to be unsuccessful in personal relationships, you can also learn the opposite. The only difference is that being happy in a family is much more pleasant.

Unsuccessful relationships in the past are not a sentence, they are a reason and a very strong reason for creating successful and happy relationships in the present and future.

We can help you deal with the causes of problems in the past and build successful relationships in the present. We consult in person at the office in Minsk and online, via Skype and correspondence. Don't miss the opportunity to be happy. Sign up now!

Unsuccessful marriage: how to live in an unsuccessful marriage, how to be, what to do, I can’t anymore, she infuriates me, everything is wrong, we don’t have sex, we have eternal quarrels, scandals, etc., etc. blah blah blah ...

I am now going through a series of cycles where I tell you that if something does not suit you in your sexual partner = it means that you initially made the wrong choice = and you are responsible for everything.

A failed marriage is from the same opera, you know? You made the wrong choice, that's all.

In order not to live in an unsuccessful marriage, you must initially make the right choice with your sexual partner. If you have an unsuccessful marriage, then you, initially, did not make the right choice.

So the responsibility for your choice = lies with you. There is no need to shift responsibility, this is not masculine, because the main male quality No. 1 is responsibility!

And for many people, I would say even the majority of people, it turns out that everything is the other way around.

That is, people are already in an unsuccessful marriage = and only now they think / understand that they made a mistake, chose the wrong sexual partner, etc., they don’t know what to do now, how to be / live, etc. and so on.

For the male sex and mistakes = I won’t even speak. Only the inexperienced do them. And not experienced, for the most part (not all, but many, most), these are young people, guys, guys, boys, etc. due to lack of knowledge, experience, young age (emotions, etc.) and the absence of the above.

Although, there are adult men = but, ala ulu, without experience, knowledge, etc. etc., as a result - errors ...

Briefly speaking. It doesn't matter. Well, for the female gender - I think many people already understand everything, all females are simply obsessed with their marriage, marriage, wedding, white dress, etc.

Passport stamp = won't make YOU HAPPY. Will not make your relationship = balanced, harmonious, holistic, reinforcing. Understand? I understand that you, my dear, are not guided by logic, but if you really do not understand such obvious things, then it’s worse for you.

I always speak as it is, in fact - without lies and falsehood.

Yes, I understand that all of you girls dream of a wedding, a white dress, and other useless (for us men) things. Since childhood, you have been invested with such beliefs, a kind of installed programs, like on a computer / smartphone, etc. (unconscious) = you need to marry well, it is good to marry, you need a worthy man to marry.

So this is normal for you. And if you also take into account that marriage was created to protect the interests of a woman, then you also have a benefit. BUT! It's all good for you, honey. BUT! Everything has its time. No need to make mistakes. Because mistakes are always very difficult to correct. Always. Understand?

And in order not to correct your mistakes, it is much better not to make them at all initially.

And in order not to commit them initially, you need to do everything wisely, competently, and not on emotions, spontaneously, unpredictably, quickly, etc. and so on. it is not reasonable, and therefore doomed to failure.

It is necessary to correctly approach the choice of a sexual partner.

You need to be confident in a person, in a woman / man, not 100% - but 1000%.

When there is such confidence, and this appears after at least 3-5 years of serious relationships side by side together = then do what you want. But, no need to flog the fever. Everything has its time.

The more detailed everything will be = the better for you, your relationship.

It is impossible to understand who is in front of you in short periods of time.

It is impossible to understand the whole essence of a person (male or female) in short periods of time.

Well, you can’t understand if this is your person. Is it right for you. Etc. and so on. FAST.

Need time! You need years of relationships with each other, on an ongoing basis, next to each other "permanently".

Only then, and only then, will you understand everything. Do you understand? Only in this way and only in this way will you understand a person, is she/is he yours, is she/he suitable for you, is he/she worthy/worthy, etc. and so on. kuuuuuche of everything has already been passed / lived through = that one is shorter, here everything becomes different, unlike the beginning, when there is no certainty in anything, this, of course, is all my personal opinion (IMHO, so to speak)!

There are two options for the development of events in an unsuccessful marriage ...

• 1st. Fix your failed marriage, your mistakes/disagreements/problems, etc.
• 2nd. If you can’t fix the problem (it doesn’t work), disperse that and that’s it.

1st option...

Breaking is not building.

Do you understand? Before you make any serious decisions (2nd option), you need to give your relationship a chance and try to fix it. Discuss your problems, disagreements, nuances, what does not suit you, what is bad, what needs to be fixed, what is missing, etc. and so on.

For each item = you need to look for solutions.

• She's fat? = let him solve a problem, lose weight, burn fat, take care of himself, etc. and so on.
• Are you making bad money? = solve a problem, look for opportunities, reach heights, etc. and so on.
• Do you have no s * ks or bad? Solve the problem together!
• Do you have scandals, swearing, quarrels, etc.? Solve the problem together!
• Etc. and so on.

Both a man and a woman must change, develop, improve and become better, in all directions, work on themselves, on their relationships, etc., etc.

2nd option...

The meaning of the relationship between m and f is = to reinforce each other.

I talked about this in more detail in the main article:

If this is not the case, you have an unsuccessful marriage = then you have a destructive (destructive) relationship = and in this situation, these relationships are generally useless (meaningless), because they lose their meaning.

Therefore, if you fix errors / problems = it doesn’t work out = the output is only 1 => disperse.

Relationships must be right (constructive, balanced, reinforcing) = only then will they make sense. If you don't, then you're in the wrong relationship. And you need to either deal with problems / mistakes in the relationship, or if you can’t fix it = break up.

In the end, no one canceled natural selection. Under conditions of natural selection, the fittest individuals win. Therefore, natural selection will put everything in its place.

Those. if one of the partners in an unsuccessful marriage does not want to change, develop, become better, improve in everything, etc. and so on. = in order to transform an unsuccessful marriage into a successful one, into the right relationship, balanced, harmonious, holistic, reinforcing, then HE or SHE will simply lose in natural selection to THAT/THE WHO who wants to develop, change, become better, etc.

Regards, administrator.

The second marriage with the first husband - and this also happens. What is it - a manifestation of female wisdom, passion, or, on the contrary, an unsuccessful hope for the best? Is it possible to step twice into the same river? Today the women's club "Who is over 30" will discuss this topic with you.

In many respects, it all depends on the reasons for the divorce:

• did not survive the crisis after the birth of the child;
• his betrayal;
• your betrayal;
• material difficulties;
• "did not get along";
• divorced because of relatives - the influence of the mother-in-law, mother-in-law or other members of your families
• etc.

But, as Tolstoy wrote, each family is unhappy in its own way, and there are just as many reasons for divorce as there are families. Even the banal “they didn’t get along” can mean anything. And the difference in temperament, and in matters of organization of life.

And therefore, whether people who have come together again will be happy, or unhappy, depends only on them.

The second marriage with the first, but still beloved spouse, and with the one to whom one has to return simply out of habit, is different. True, there are arguments in favor of trying everything anew, and there are arguments in favor of running "to the very border without looking back."

As the saying goes, you can't step into the same river twice. Yes, but the water is different. And maybe this is good - everything will be built completely differently. However, wise people say that you cannot change a person.

And if something did not suit the person, and not in external circumstances, it is unlikely that the second attempt will not end in the same way as the first.

Arguments AGAINST a second marriage with an ex

If the reason for the divorce was infidelity, you need show great wisdom and restraint. In no case should you remember what happened at every quarrel. But, as a rule, it is impossible to forget. All the same, a drop of feeling, resentment sharpens the soul, even if love lives. Sooner or later, this can lead to divorce.

True, the second unsuccessful marriage with the first husband may not end in divorce, but it will be even worse: resentment, understatement, misunderstanding will begin to accumulate. No one will rush to formalize the separation, since last time everything led to the registry office anyway.

Reviews about an unsuccessful second marriage with the first husband:

• We got married with Slavik when we were young. At the age of 20, I thought that if not now, then never. Yes, there was a mountain of complexes. I had a slender girlfriend who was popular. And besides Slavik, I didn’t have anyone, no one looked after me. I married him somehow crumpled: we signed secretly from our parents. Egor was born 2 years later. It was here that I felt how terrible it is when a husband does not help, does not support, constantly on business trips. Arrives - requires dinner on the table, no matter how I feel. And when at home - drinking. Divorced. But then a year later I thought that I got excited. A son needs a father. Signed again, but nothing has changed. He only considered himself a king, that since I accepted him again, he can relax and behave even worse. Divorced again. Now I live with another man and I'm not in a hurry to get married. Maria A.
• My second marriage to my first unloved husband ended even earlier than the first. It’s just that at first we got married because of our youth, it seemed that I would still love him. But then life got stuck. He earned a penny, did not want to get a higher paying job. Although we had a daughter, I got divorced. Then he began to earn good money, asked to return to the family. I gave the relationship a second chance. But it was this time that I realized that, despite the settled down financial situation, I sawed him not even because of the money, but simply because I did not like it. Now I fell head over heels in love - like a stupid girl. I think how to get a divorce, because I fell in love with another. Kate.
• The second short marriage with my first husband is simply painful. He changed me. Not once. And at the insistence of the children, I divorced him in many ways. But then he began to take steps towards, did not want to leave our common apartment, to exchange too. They lived together, he constantly drank besides. I forgot about all the mistresses. I returned to him, formalized the relationship. But he only perceives me as a servant and again began to walk to the left. It's embarrassing to tears. I do not know what to do. If I had somewhere to go, I would leave even tomorrow. Svetlana.

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Reasons for a second marriage

The second successful marriage with the first husband is also possible. After all, it happens that people get married out of stupidity. But the club website claims that the opposite is also possible: when they get divorced out of stupidity. However, read the stories yourself.

• I am very temperamental, and this may be my problem. Because she ruined her first marriage. Scandal with or without. And after one of the quarrels, I offered to divorce him myself. And then a year had not passed since the wedding. And I offered him a divorce several times a month for sure. That's when he agreed - both proud, divorced. Then they tried something. Both I and he are with others. But that's not it. Yes, we have friends in common. We met at birthdays and at weddings. They got married and had a son. I'm happy! Rita.
• We divorced at first because we couldn't get pregnant. Then they couldn’t live without each other and got together, agreeing that we didn’t need anyone else. And suddenly I suddenly became pregnant for myself. Life is now playing in a new way! I love my husband even more! Ponomarev.

As you can see, everything is individual. If you feel that expensive antiques will come out of a broken cup, then why not try a second marriage with your first husband? And how - read in another article in the club "Who is over 30".

Who is over 30 - a club for women after 30.

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