Love and affection - what are they and how to distinguish them? How to determine whether it is affection or serious feelings.

Understanding feelings is quite difficult. The girl is sure that she truly loves, and then suddenly she meets another person and understands that nothing happened in the past. Young people get bored when they part and after a while they simply forget each other.

How do you know when you have met your destiny and when you have simply become attached to a person? How not to get confused?

You feel good and easy around a person, communication brings great pleasure, but separation becomes unbearable, you feel sad and look forward to meeting... what is this? These are “symptoms” of both love and affection. Very often young people cannot understand their feelings, mistaking one thing for another. At the same time, melancholy is often taken as an indicator of love.

But everyone wants love. It is to her, the very real one about whom poets write poems and directors make films. A young girl, having read and watched enough stories about love, is ready for it internally, and it’s no wonder that she mistakes any object she likes for love. Not suspecting that besides this loud concept there are also: friendship, sympathy, affection and love. And these are all far from synonyms, but various complex psychological combinations that are united by one thing - melancholy. In all these situations, a person yearns for his loved one, friend, acquaintance.

What is love?

In different dictionaries, this concept is defined differently. Some this feeling defined as deep affection, others as sexual desire. But the main thing in the concept of love is the focus on another person, another person - the object of one’s love. Love is the community of two people, it is the unity of souls, the desire to live the life of another person, to devote oneself to his interests, aspirations and desires. Love is a high and joyful feeling that has nothing to do with jealousy, anger, or hatred.

Love rejoices in the success of another, wishes well and does not demand anything in return. It is unselfishness that distinguishes this feeling from others. And when love is mutual, then this is a real gift from God, because only through mutual desire for each other can unity be achieved.

Life story:
They dated for a whole year in 11th grade. Fate separated them different cities. Whole year they communicated on Skype, visited each other, corresponded, called back. She found life without him unbearable. She was only happy next to him. All her friends understood that she had true love and envied her. She cried, missed, yearned and wanted only one thing, that he would always be there. She reproached him for his inaction and was offended by fate for separating them. And a year later, on an ordinary day, a male voice on her phone told him not to call again. She met her new love.

Could it be that a girl was so lucky in life that she was able to fall in love again without falling out of love with one guy? Of course not. The girl simply mistook another feeling for love.
In our story, the absence of love is indicated by one important detail: the girl demanded that the guy be close, failure to fulfill this demand led to insults and reproaches. And love cannot demand anything for itself, because this feeling is always bestowal.
What was it?

Attachment, what is it?

Another story from life:
The family almost broke up because of the man's affair. For a long time he worked in another city as a “shift worker,” and one day his wife found out that there was another woman. Wise loving wife She didn’t start making scandals, but after showing her husband the evidence, she said: “Do you love me?... Go, I’ll let you go!” And she gave me time to think. Needless to say, how many things the man changed his mind during this time. He understood that he had to choose one woman and lose the other forever. But it was about love. He broke up with new friend, because he realized that if he lost her, he would experience sadness, and if he lost his wife, he would experience pain. He explained to her: “I realized that I would miss our meetings more than anything else and I realized that I don’t love you. I just got attached to you. I can survive this." A young friend threw hysterics, blew up her phone, and poured out reproaches. And his wife said that if he understood everything and made a decision, she would forgive him.

Of course, this story can be looked at in different ways: as an argument family life and a sense of duty, the wisdom of one woman against the stupidity of another. But here is the most important thing - choice. The man made the fateful decision. It was he who had to understand which woman he needed more, which of the two he really loved. It can be assumed that the torment tormented him for more than one night. It was possible to sort out your life only by choosing a loved one. And he judged correctly, taking as a basis the feeling of losing a woman. Comparing pain and melancholy.

Where does the pain come from? Precisely from the rupture of souls. Love is unity and after a breakup you get the feeling of losing not SOMEONE, but a part of yourself. It has already been said about giving, and losing a part of yourself, given to another, becomes unbearably painful. The pain is akin to a missing body part. Only my soul hurts. A heartache stronger than physical.

How to distinguish affection from love?

Many psychologists and philosophers have puzzled over this question. Vladimir Levi offers the following formula:
“Love is measured by the measure of forgiveness, affection by the pain of farewell...”

So simply he separates these two concepts. If it hurts unbearably when parting, if melancholy squeezes from the inside and you want to be close, these are only symptoms of attachment. Of course, longing for a loved one also accompanies love, but that is not the main thing. It is important to understand that you can forgive him: all or nothing... Forgiveness is the measure of love. Forgive as a mother forgives her children everything. Because she loves, which means she is selflessly focused on her child, wishing him happiness in life, without being jealous, without demanding a return of love. Does the mother get bored when she is apart? Of course, she is sad, but she will never ruin her child’s life because of this melancholy.

There is one more point in mother's love. The mother loves the child as he is, raising him, being sad, rejoicing. But not one mother would exchange her child for a more beautiful, smart, successful one.

In the story about another woman, not only the man showed his love, but also his wife, who was ready to let go or forgive, giving her husband the right to build his life, and readily accepted his decision. And as for a man’s mistake... So the same is the phenomenon of love, to accept a person as he is: with mistakes and shortcomings.
So, let's summarize:

1. Attachment is an external attraction, while the basis of love is spiritual kinship.
2. Attachment can fade and flare up again, but love is a deep, constant, strong feeling.
3. Attachment negatively affects people's lives, making them yearn; love gives strength, because a person has something to live for.
4. Attachment is built on oneself and one’s own egocentrism, love is completely directed towards another.
5. Attachment requires the other to conform to its ideals, but love simply loves as the person is.

Has it ever happened to you: you met a person and felt such an instant and amazing force of attraction that you immediately decided that he was your one and only?

You are so close and feel so comfortable that you think you have finally found your soul mate.

But is it? Has love come? Or is it a simple attachment to a person? Do you love him or do you desperately need him? What, you ask, is the difference?

Waiting for happiness

We often absorb the feelings and moods of other people, we get used to their way of life, their beliefs. Attachment is a deep emotional connection with another person.

The tendency to form such connections is a universal feature of human life. And the possibility of losing a partner can cause fear, despair, uncertainty, and become destructive.

If you have an irresistible connection with a narcissistic person, you find it difficult to separate yourself from him, you have become his prey. But you don't realize it until it's too late. Instead, you think you've fallen in love.

For example, moving to new town, new job, discomfort in a new environment. Big changes in life always cause stress. And at this time you become vulnerable.

But then the meeting takes place. He is friendly, cheerful, and wants to help. He shows you a safe place to get your car repaired, he invites you to the bar for coffee after work. He even helps you arrange the furniture in your new apartment.

He offers the help and companionship you have wanted and needed. He also makes you laugh and tells you how good you are, how he has been waiting for you all his life. You feel appreciated, it's flattering. You were relieved to find that you could rely on someone. You feel loved.

A relationship begins

But soon everyone around is wondering what these two saw in each other. You have nothing in common.

However, an attachment arose. And you stay together, even if this person begins to demand more and more, even when you cease to be comfortable with him.

No matter what, you don't break up because the thought of loss is terrifying. But you have to wonder what it is, affection or love? The only thing that really unites you is the need for someone, the need to feel that someone cares about you.

This is attachment. It is needed to raise self-esteem, to fill the void. He- like a port in a storm. But this is not enough for love. Love is not need or desperation.

Any port will come in handy during a storm. But you don't have to stay there. If he is not your man, you should not even drop anchor. No attachments - no suffering. You just need to not give up and keep sail.

Remember that you can handle this on your own, you will weather this storm. And when it ends, you are sure to meet someone who also weathered their storm. You will be able to face life with courage and count on true love.

New sensations or nostalgia

We tried to explain what attachment to a person is and how it differs from love. In fact, these concepts are so close that it is not always possible to separate them.

Sometimes affection disguises itself as love. But it's just caring about someone and being grateful for the time we spent together. If it is added physical element into relationships, then these concepts become even more difficult to distinguish.

Often affection is considered love by those who have not yet experienced true love. Spending a lot of time together, getting used to each other, young people think that this is the same feeling...

It is important to keep in mind that love has all the components of affection, but not the other way around. It is much deeper than attachment, more stable and more intense.

Another feeling that makes it even more difficult to separate love and affection is nostalgia. Sometimes you feel longing for the time you spent with someone and mistake it for love. You feel sentimental about your relationship with your ex. It is not necessary to continue your relationship in the future if it ended for objective reasons.

When you're evaluating a current relationship or thinking about pursuing one in the future, it's important to stop and consider what's going on. Are you in love or experiencing affection?

Perhaps you're just feeling nostalgic for times gone by? There is no shame in either situation, but it is important to differentiate between them. Love is measured by the measure of forgiveness, affection by the pain of farewell.

Or maybe it’s still Love?

So, we see how close the concepts of affection and love are. Romantic attachment can flow into love, or it can become a burden and an obstacle to real feelings. Let's name some signs true love.

1. You are unable to stop thinking about this person.
2. You can talk for hours, forgetting about time.
3. You want to make each other happy.
4. He brings out the best qualities in you.
5. You accept him as he is, with his quirks, family and friends.

Maintain a balance between love and passion. Don't rush to get attached to each other, let the relationship develop naturally. The more you are willing to bring love, honesty, passion and romance into your relationship, the easier it will be to attract someone who shares the same qualities.

Is it possible to distinguish between feelings?

There are many different methods and tests that help you understand yourself. Let's try to understand how to distinguish affection from love. The test below will help you come to an opinion.

It is important to remember that time is your like-minded person in resolving the issue of affection and love.

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Don’t rush to run down the aisle or break up, let some time pass. And the problem will solve itself.

It would seem that thousands of books have been written about love, but how many pompous phrases and beautiful words! But the topic is not obsolete and will never become obsolete. What is love? What is attachment? How to distinguish love from infatuation? ?

Most minds of mankind agree that love (or, perhaps, its classic version) consists of four phases: infatuation, infatuation, love and affection.

The first stage is passion

Love always begins with passion. The man saw an attractive representative of the opposite sex, for some reason or something he caught his eye - and away we go. The basis of the feeling of passion is great admiration for the unique abilities of a girl or man, his characterological qualities or fantastic talent. However, you can get carried away plump lips ladies, gorgeous breasts, long legs, the pumped-up figure of a man and his brilliant smile - only external data.

This, of course, is far from love, and this feeling usually lasts for several weeks or a couple of months, according to knowledgeable researchers. Infatuation can develop into love over time, or it can quickly end, and a person’s attention will immediately switch to a new object.

The second phase is falling in love

The feeling of falling in love gradually emerges from infatuation. This happens when you continue to communicate with the person who once attracted you. At some point in a person's mind the importance positive qualities the chosen one, which once aroused passion, increases, and the degree of negative ones decreases literally to zero. Essentially, during this phase there is an idealization of the partner. How is love different from being in love? People fall in love not with a person, but with an ideal they themselves have created.

Falling in love lasts much longer than infatuation - from 2 months to six months. Most often, falling in love develops into love, as it is its upcoming phase. But there are also exceptions to the rule - in this case, the created ideal is quickly destroyed and disappointment sets in. There is no need to try to understand then, at that time it did not exist as such!

The third stage - classic love

If you have found your soulmate, then the feeling of being in love will be replaced by love, that very aesthetic and moral feeling, expressed in a selfless desire for a partner. Real love- selfless devotion dear person, a combination of actions and feelings aimed at it. Researchers call this the sensual peak in the relationship between subjects of opposite sexes who like each other.

Only if people really love are they ready to legitimize their relationship, therefore this period Approximately 90 percent of marriages are between a man and a woman. Life, however, is a cruel thing, and often unrequited love develops into real tragedies. Love is a long-lasting feeling; according to scientists, it lasts from 3 to 5 years, and then subsides, goes out, moving into the next phase of people’s relationships. On at this stage there is no need to think, it just continues to develop.

The final phase is attachment

The feeling gradually weakens, and love is replaced by affection. How to distinguish love from affection? This period comes in a few years life together when there is no flame of passion, but there is devotion to the partner, a desire to be close. It's that feeling of peace when you're with your loved one. According to scientists, it can last until the end of life.

But there is more important question- How to distinguish love from habit? Indeed, sometimes a person simply gets used to being close to a partner, gets used to seeing only him and communicating with him. But if you separate for a while and stop seeing each other, this feeling will go away. Which means this person you didn't need it.

Of course, love does not always arise according to rules and correspond to some kind of pattern. A real feeling can flare up immediately, without passion or falling in love.

Everyone good day and a wonderful mood! Spring is the time of love, say the poets. Countless songs, poems, and novels have been written about her. Everyone thinks and talks about her. Everyone wants to love and be loved. But aren’t we substituting concepts, aren’t we confusing the symptoms of true love with falling in love, affection, gratitude or other feelings? Let's think about how love differs from attachment to a person.

I feel - that means I live!

Before moving on to the signs of love and affection, I want to talk to you separately about feelings in general.

Many people, unfortunately, have big problems with emotional education. Not in the sense that they do not know how to behave, but in the sense that they do not understand or misunderstand what feelings they are experiencing at the moment.

An even sadder option is when a person deliberately “suppresses” some feeling within himself and does not allow himself to experience it. “I will never be angry with my child,” “I will never be offended by my mother,” “I will not envy anyone.” Sound familiar?

So, in order to live life to the fullest and remain, we all need to experience the full range of feelings and emotions - and be able to handle them correctly, of course. In order to prevent anger from developing into passion, falling in love into deification and persecution of the object of one’s feelings, and so on, one must not suppress feelings in oneself, but give them an adequate outlet. We will talk about this more than once, but for now let’s return to love and affection.

What is love?

Love is beautiful and very complicated feeling. True love gives you a new, incredibly deep level of connection, understanding and empathy with another person.

To love means to rejoice in the very fact of the existence of another person. Undoubtedly, this is much easier to do when the object of feelings is nearby and also loves you.

True love begins with yourself. If you think this is an overly selfish and self-centered statement, then I assure you that it is not. In order to build love relationship with another person, you must first love yourself.

Independence and independence have crucial. You should have your own goals and aspirations, regardless of who you are currently in a relationship with. If you are looking for love to drown out, fill the uncertainty, pain, fear, loneliness and emptiness in your life, then believe me - you will not find love, but only affection, which can even develop into painful attachment.

What is attachment?

People get attached easily. We become attached to things, to places, to events, and to everything that surrounds us. People are no exception.

That which satisfies our needs and gives us a feeling of comfort will certainly become the object of our affection. We maintain relationships with people who make us feel special, who value us, pay attention to us, compliment us, and support us.

Affection is an excellent basis for business, friendship, and partnership relationships. In principle, affection can be a good basis for family relationships.

How to distinguish?

Love and affection are often interconnected and indivisible. We can love and. We can love without attachment. We may not love, but we may be attached. What are the differences?

I have already written about what is ideal. It’s probably worth clarifying that only a family will be strong where, in addition to love, affection, care, tenderness, and other emotions appear (not necessarily immediately).

Love, be loved, live happily and don't forget to share with friends interesting articles!

What is true love? How to recognize it? What qualities are inherent in love? Writers, poets and ordinary people have been asking themselves these questions for many centuries in a row.

What is true love

These are feelings that have stood the test of time, overcome difficulties and doubts. The correct model of this feeling was developed by Robert Sternberg. According to this theory, true love has 3 main components:

frankness;
attraction;
loyalty.

Frankness is sincere feelings and relationships, complete trust, desire to help a partner. This is the ability to open your soul without fear. But this does not mean that you approve and encourage any actions and opinions of your other half. Rather, it is understanding and knowledge of a person, the reasons for his actions.

Attraction is sex appeal. This component is not inherent in friendship or other love. It is the fuel that keeps the feelings burning.

Loyalty is the desire to share all life’s trials and joys with this particular person. This also refers to the decision to remain faithful despite the difficulties of the relationship.

How to distinguish love from infatuation

If you don't know how to distinguish love from infatuation, some will help you comparative characteristics these feelings.

When a person is in love, he cares about his partner physical qualities- beauty, figure. If this is love, then the person’s personality is more important. You like his character, actions, appearance, manners, etc. Also, if you're having a passing crush, the number of qualities you admire in your lover is limited. Yes, your legs will give way from some of its features, but such factors are limited only by gait, voice, smile, etc. True love is love for every scar and mole on the body, for every action and habit.

At the first stage of a relationship, falling in love is distinguished by an instant flash - from a touch, a glance. Reminds me of an obsession. Love comes gradually. It will take time to fully understand and accept another person. You cannot love someone about whom you know nothing. As for interest in a lover, when you fall in love, it either burns or subsides. Love will not subside for a while. Not a day will go by when you don't think about your soulmate.

If you are just in love, then quarrels happen more often over time. And the reason is that under these feelings there is no basis - a spiritual connection, base, general topics and emotions. Love can't be hindered by disagreements. They will strengthen relationships. But, really, before the wedding, do some renovations together.

How to distinguish love from addiction

True love exists, but let's remember the painful state that is mistaken for this high feeling. How to distinguish love from addiction?

Love doesn't make life worse, it brings happiness. This is the main thing. You are happy both with your loved one and without him - he is on Earth, and this already makes you happy. Love is not an obstacle to human development in other areas, it is a muse. Dependence is the opposite state, lack of freedom. This is an increasing concentration on the partner.

At the first stage, a feeling of joy appears; it may not disappear even with the evasiveness and coldness of the partner. A person easily finds excuses for bad actions. Then the need for the presence of the beloved grows, he becomes a drug. Life is divided into black and white. Only in the presence of the object does a feeling of happiness arise, and without it - melancholy and depression. This behavior is reminiscent of the hangover syndrome experienced by alcoholics.

A dependent person wants to have complete control over the life of his love object, often becoming obsessive, cruel and picky.

How to distinguish love from affection

Psychological research has proven the validity of the opinion that passionate love 3 years are given. But this does not mean that after this the feelings end. Relationships become a great feeling, love matures, goes through difficulties and trials, but does not die. Love sometimes begins with passion, turns into care and tenderness, then comes the trials of everyday life, but adversity only strengthens the feeling. It becomes big, regardless of circumstances.

Do not be afraid of devoted feelings for a long-time loved one - this normal phenomenon. But if it is so important for you to understand how to distinguish love from affection without love, then a simple test will help.

First, ask yourself what attracts you most to your significant other. Fleeting affection is characterized only by physical feelings, like falling in love. You like his way of speaking, dressing, driving. For love, external qualities do not play a key role.

Think back to the beginning of the relationship, the first few months. A fleeting feeling is characterized by the transience of events, as if you are “diving” into a pool. True love is formed gradually.

Another way to distinguish between the concepts of ephemeral and true love is to test for strength. If people love each other and have serious feelings, then long separation It’s not easy for them. But sometimes it heals the soul; the emptiness of attachment is soon replaced by new emotions and feelings. Love only grows stronger from obstacles and difficulties. It will help you survive separation, will not fade away, but will warm your heart.