How to build a relationship with a husband’s child from his first marriage - advice from wise women. Tips for those who are enraged by the children of the husband from his first marriage

Family life is not always cloudless - there are quarrels and divorces if two people could not maintain relationships and make them develop and not degrade.

The birth of the first child is always a test for a married couple, which must be endured with dignity.

According to statistics, the number of divorces is higher after the birth of the first child. The birth of the first child is always a test for newlyweds, which many couples fail with a bang. Accordingly, life does not end there, and divorced partners again begin to improve their personal lives.

But the child does not go anywhere, and often it is mainly women who suffer from this - the mother of the child and the new wife. ex-husband. After all, the main experiences fall on their shoulders, men are more relaxed about this. It is the new wives who write on the forums and look for an answer to the exhausted question: “ My husband has a child from his first marriage».

An alien child, he is an alien, not native, and this is strongly reflected not only in the emotional atmosphere of the family, but also in the child who has to be torn between mom and dad. But ideally they should be together! Today we will not talk about how a child suffers, this is understandable. And let's discuss all sorts of troubles that women face when marrying an already divorced man with a child from his first marriage.

unrequited love

The first wife still loves her ex-husband and constantly, under the pretext of meeting with the child, is looking for a meeting with him. Here, there is where to worry about the current wife! If the husband categorically put an end to the relationship with the former, then that’s all right, but if something, then wait for it when he tells you: “I decided to return to the family.”

This is very unpleasant, a woman can feel like a staging post or a comforter, but not a woman who is truly loved. A big blow to self-esteem! Even if your husband is not going to go to ex-wife, anyway, every time you will feel like on pins and needles when he goes to the child. You never know what she had in mind???

So don't give it to anyone!

As the saying goes, "neither yourself nor the people." There are some ladies who, after a divorce, run to fortune-tellers and suggest different kind damage to the ex-husband and his new wife. To the core it is unpleasant to suffer from the stupidity of another woman.

What to do in such a situation? Try to talk heart to heart with her, explain that if the person left, then this is not her person and she is destined to meet “her” man a little later. It is not worth it in vain to run after the departing train. If the conversations did not lead to a compromise, then in this case you need to go either to church and put candles for her health and for her to come to her senses, or to a good healer and put strong protection for herself, her husband and children, if any.

Gone, forget the baby!

There are also mothers who forbid to see the child, but at the same time apply for alimony. A man needs to pay money to a child without seeing him. From point of view new wife this situation may seem the easiest and the problem " my husband has a child from his first marriage' won't worry. This is true, but will it be easy for the husband himself and his child? In this case, he himself can look for an excuse to see the child (I now mean responsible fathers).

My dad, and you are a stranger!

When the child is still very young, he does not understand that someone else's aunt could be to some extent guilty of the parents' divorce. But when the child is already quite an adult, he may treat you with disdain and take out his anger on you, expressing everything that he thinks about you. This is rudeness, and rudeness, and disrespect. This is where it gets tough for a man. He needs to build a relationship so that this does not happen. But

harmony will come only when adults behave wisely towards the child and explain to him that there are no guilty ones, but there are situations in which nothing can be changed. To tell that sometimes dads and moms get divorced not because of other people's uncles and aunts, but simply because the relationship has exhausted itself. Only communication can help. Be wiser.

When property was divided, the child went to the husband

This is where the most powerful conflicts between partners begin. A wife can be jealous of a child for her husband, a husband can demand from his wife a worthy attitude towards his child. So shortly before the divorce. And this happens quite often - this is also a test for two for the strength of the relationship. And when is born own child, then the wife can demand more care from her husband in relation to their common child.

How to behave if the husband has a child from his first marriage

1. We are all, in fact, travelers through life and we have a backpack full of past experiences behind us. So, when you invite a man to your house, let him in and take him along with this backpack, do not leave him outside the threshold. This is his life and the past cannot be thrown out of it. And you, if you love him sincerely, must accept this past.
2. Treat your ex-wife with respect, if only because she is the injured party in this tragedy.
3. Understand that the ex-wife has her own truth about you and she is not obliged to care about your emotional and psychological well-being.
4. Be loyal to your spouse's communication with his ex-wife because they are involved in the upbringing of the child, they must do this, it is their responsibility.
5. Remember that a man who forgot about his first wife and child may someday do the same to you. So, support his responsibility towards the child. This is right.
6. If you have common children, do not demand that he give them more attention than your child. You simply do not have the right to do this - children are all the same and equally need the love, care and affection of their parents.

Relationship with a divorced man- not for the faint of heart. Sometimes it is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that somewhere in the corner of the earth lives a woman whom he once swore to eternal love in front of the altar, and then for a long or short period of time he shared one living space.

jealous it can be difficult for persons to live with these thoughts, therefore it is generally advisable for them to avoid such young people. Although men do not always maintain relationships with their ex-wives, and if your chosen one is one of them, then you can calmly start a relationship with him, without fear that he will ever want to return to his ex-wife. But in this case, there may be many other problems that have fallen on your head.

However, there is one alignment, in which relations with a divorced man are difficult not only for the owners, but also for the usually patient ones. This is the situation when your loved one has a child from a previous marriage. To understand whether or not to rush into this pool, you need to carefully analyze many points and find out for yourself whether you can exist under such circumstances.

1) A mandatory factor is that you yourself have a previous marriage and children. If you, like him, are divorced, and you also have a child from your ex-husband, the situation takes on favorable shades. Indeed, in this case, you will understand all his troubles, problems, communication with his ex-spouse. You will not whine and bother with questions about why he devotes so much time to his past family, at this moment you yourself can take care of your child. You are in a similar situation, so it will be easier for you to find mutual language. And conflicts based on jealousy and other nonsense about former partners you are unlikely to have.
In most cases, children divorce stay with their mother. Therefore, you will have to work hard and make your child friends with a new man in your family. Don't expect your new lover to love your child like his own. In any case, his blood children will be a thousand times more dear and closer to him, but this should not upset you. After all, you're not going to spend too much time on his child either.

2) If you have never been Married, and you don’t have children, respectively, then communication with such a man can bring you a lot of unpleasant minutes.
If he continues to support a good relationship With ex-wife, this situation may not be entirely pleasant for you. But there is no getting away from this, because they have a common child, for the future of which they are both responsible. You have to put up with the fact that some weekends they will be the whole family, even though they are no longer a family.

Your man will spend a lot money to your child, respectively passing them through ex-spouse. That is, if you decide to conduct a joint venture, you will have to plan it in such a way that his child is also included in the costs. You, for sure, this circumstance will not be entirely pleasant, but you cannot do anything about it. He will also have to come to terms with the fact that during some holidays he will have to visit his past family.

He might want to introduce you with your child. How to proceed in this case is up to you. But keep in mind if you suddenly claim the title of it future wife, then you, most likely, will have to not only get to know, but even make friends with his child. If he managed to maintain a good relationship with his ex-wife, then he will want you to treat her with at least a small amount of respect. And no matter how much you like this woman, you have to pretend and be friendly with her.

3) If your man has I didn’t manage to part with my ex-wife with friends, here the situation can be even worse. After all, the endless wars between them regarding the separation of the child can adversely affect your well-being. You will have to constantly reassure your lover and share his sorrows. Sometimes such disagreements even reach the courts. After all, often a woman left with a child forbids him to meet with his father, constantly setting him against him. Willy-nilly, you will also have to constantly, at least indirectly, take part in these showdowns, which sometimes last for years.

The child of the spouse from the first marriage often becomes an obstacle that prevents a woman from establishing with her husband harmonious relationship. The experiences of the second spouses in such a situation are usually typical: they do not like it when the husband spends a lot of time with his child, gives him financial assistance they are jealous. In fact, to resolve the situation so as not to offend anyone, although difficult, but quite real. To do this, the fair sex, who became the wife of a divorced man, must follow certain rules.

First, she will have to realize that changing the past is easy. impossible. It is not necessary to ignore the fact that the man used to have another family. Although he divorced his ex-wife, he still has obligations to common child and there's no getting away from it. Therefore, a woman does not need to waste her mental strength on worrying about what has already happened. All the same, the child will remain a part of the life of the spouse.

No need to limit the communication of a husband with a child from a previous marriage. Otherwise, the resentment of a woman can negatively affect her relationship with her husband. The spouse should be able to decide for himself how much time he will spend with the first child. At the same time, his current wife should offer him to choose the days that he will devote only to his real family.

No need to object to the amount of alimony that the husband pays the child. This duty is assigned to a man by law, moreover, this indicates that the representative of the stronger sex is a decent person. Anything can happen in life, if suddenly a real marriage also ends in a break, a woman can be sure that her husband will not hide from paying alimony for a common baby.

But the amount of other expenses for the first child of the spouse should still be discussed. Of course, a woman should not argue with her chosen one over every chocolate bar that he buys for his son or daughter, but, for example, it is advisable to discuss the expediency of purchasing an expensive birthday present.

For a second wife, a situation is very painful when she herself have to communicate with the child of his spouse. In addition, children very often themselves show hostility towards their stepmothers. In such a situation, the fair sex must act according to the circumstances, since there is simply no universal solution to such a problem. In general, no one can demand from a woman that she love someone else's child. Enough millet friendly and polite to communicate with him.

If the child of the spouse shows aggression towards the current wife, she should talk to her husband and ask him to fix the situation. If positive changes do not occur, and the aggressive attitude does not disappear anywhere, it is best to minimize communication with the first child of your chosen one. In fact, a woman is not obliged to spend time with her husband and his child from his first marriage. A husband and his son or daughter may well communicate together.

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Question to the psychologist:

I would like to consult with you ... I am 30 years old, 5 years have passed since the divorce from my husband (my son is 5 years old), after that I have not been able to build a relationship. Now I try to understand the reasons and read your articles. A man appeared, we are together quite a bit, and he seems to say that he wants to be together only with me ... and build a house ...

But on this moment I am very concerned about one point. He has a daughter (5 years old), they divorced a year ago. When he left the family, he left the apartment to his wife and child. Where does the ex-wife with a partner and daughter now live. He goes to sea and seems to make good money. But when he came from the sea, he asked me what apartment to buy and where ... I thought it was for us (now he lives with his mother) and I don’t have the opportunity to live together. As soon as he bought an apartment, he brought his daughter there and said that this was a gift for her! I was very upset, because. We have nowhere to live and spend time together. He says wait until we earn money for the house. And he saw all my frustration, and therefore thought that I was only interested in the financial part of it. This is wrong. And I tried to explain it to him. But no matter how I tried to accept his act, the offense still sits somewhere deep. And I also understand (and he himself said) that he will always help his daughter, which means that everything will always be not enough for her ... (apartment, study, new car), and I want a family, a house and more children)! !!

I don’t know what to do?! ((((I don’t really want to break up. But I understand that he will constantly put me (and even more so my son) in the second or third plan (((. And this will constantly offend me. Accept .. then how? I’m not doing well so far (((Talking, he also perceives it as me against his communication and the help of his daughter. Although this is not so, and I explained this. I want him to communicate, help, but in reasonable limits.

Can you end this relationship? I'm all in thought ... Although I see that he has great sympathy for me. We walk, go to the cinema, etc., first he walks with his daughter, then he takes her to her mother, although the daughter wants to spend the night with him, but he does not take her and goes to me. I don't know what to do... I beg you to help me.

The psychologist Gnatyuk Lyudmila Yurievna answers the question.

Hello Svetlana!

Let's start with why are you around him at all? If you are looking for a person who will simply buy you a home - this is one strategy, if you are pleased that he has sympathy and you use it - another.

But if you want "all inclusive", i.e. and feelings, and prosperity, and mutual understanding, then first of all it is necessary to ask yourself. You are a woman, you are a conductor of energy and emotions, through a woman a man is filled with experiences and inspiration. But on condition that these feelings are sincere! And you rather start bargaining like in the market, but don’t write anything about your feelings. Or rather, write about frustration and disappointment from the fact that the apartment is not for you, but for your daughter. That's why he said that you are only interested in the financial part, perhaps this is the only thing he saw, you do not show everything else?

How do you express tenderness / gratitude / affection / interest / pleasure to him that he is near?

How do you express anger and irritation, indignation, resentment?

If you are trying to keep silent about all this and seem like an angel, then he will feel your falsehood and least of all he will want to do something for you. Look at his daughter, how does she show joy and delight to him? She charges him with these experiences and he wants to try for her and do even more. In addition, it is a wonderful feature of a man - to be responsible for his words and deeds. Since he is a father, then this is forever! And there is no such scale where it would be necessary to measure a lot he cares or you need less, most importantly, from the heart. And he copes with it.

But you don’t really want to last ... Be honest with yourself and with him. There is nothing wrong with being upset about housing. Just say it like a woman that you wanted, dreamed, waited and ... now you are feeling sadness and sadness. Share with him your fears, grievances. Live it all, don't keep it to yourself, don't try to be good, comfortable, sweet when there is pain in your heart. This is the prevention of diseases, and a full-fledged mental life, and the birth of intimacy and trust between you. Yes, when we open up, we become vulnerable and we can get hurt. But if this is to be feared and avoided all the time, then what is the joy of life then?

I think that you should also reconsider your attitude towards your first spouse. Most likely from there, too, stretches a whole cartload of grievances and unjustified expectations. The key skill in life is not to be able to forgive, but to be able to ask for forgiveness. Because when we are in the position of the one who forgives, we are, as it were, from above, when we ask for forgiveness, we also take part of the responsibility for ourselves, responsibility for our reaction to the situation.

The reaction of resentment is the position of a child, an adult has more advanced thinking and is able to express his dissatisfaction, clarify the situation. But when we do not want to take on this responsibility, but shift it to someone, we choose to be offended, then we should, and not we. Therefore, you need to start with your ex-husband, and even better with mom and dad, with whom you also probably are not going smoothly. But since you do not ask about it, I will not dwell on it.

I cannot make a decision for you and write what should be done, and how not, I am not the Lord God and cannot foresee all possible nuances. But my personal experience shows that you need to start with yourself, with your pride, with the ability to be responsible for your actions, with the ability to be honest.

You are afraid that he will put you and your son on the second or third plan. And you want to be in the first place, you want to receive, but what can you give him yourself? If the question is posed in such a way that I still owe him nothing, let him first prove / give / help me something, then this is pure mercantile interest. And in this case, you need to bet on the one who has what you need. All deep relationships begin when feelings arise: respect, gratitude, joy, delight, pleasure, trust / love in the end. What do you feel for this man? This is your only guarantee. successful relationship- Your feelings and how you will express and show them to him. Just be yourself, read more, engage in self-development. Learn to respect and be grateful. Learn to love not only yourself and your own, but also him and his child. Start doing something nice for others just like that, without expecting anything in return, then what you dream of will come to you.

The relationship of second wives with children from the first marriage and, in particular, with their mothers, is one of the most frequent and complex problems in the family.

Jealousy, misunderstanding and, most importantly, unwillingness to properly deal with acute conflict issues can interfere with the creation of a truly happy and prosperous family union. To keep a warm atmosphere hearth sometimes you have to make concessions. Only forgetting about selfishness, acting wisely and patiently, you can achieve balance and harmony in the family.

In this article, we will look at typical mistakes parents and best practices solutions to the current situation.

Husband's children from first marriage

So, you met a man who is wonderful in every way. After a long stage of communication, courtship and the so-called "grinding in", you understand that this person is exactly the one with whom you would like to connect your life.

But there is one "but". Your future life partner has already been married and has one or more children. And right now the time has come when it is worth considering all your next steps in order to prevent irreparable mistakes.

As a rule, in the case of the husband's children, the new wife experiences more problems than the man in the mirror situation. When divorced, in most cases, the child remains with the mother. This means that your man will be somehow attached to his first family and the past will always remind of itself.

Why don't I love my husband's child from my first marriage?

If you feel negative towards the child or children of your man, it is likely that this phenomenon has more reasonable reasons than just blind jealousy. To find a way out of their current situation, you must first understand the sources of the negative feelings you have towards children.

In the most common cases, the reasons for such hatred can be the following factors:

1 The child of the husband behaves simply unbearably.

Children are cunning and sophisticated tactics of dealing with the newly-made mother: they either make scandals and tantrums, or silently ignore you.

Such behavior is unlikely to please even the most loving parents. But all the stupid and ridiculous actions there is always an explanation.

Some children tend to feel guilty about the separation of mother and father.

Inappropriate behavior is evidence that the child is very worried about what happened, and thus tries to cope with stress.

Perhaps, by his actions, the child is trying to provoke you into retaliatory aggression. As soon as you break loose, his goal will be achieved: yes, indeed, dad brought an evil stepmother into the house.

The only right decision for you is to be as patient and loyal as possible, thereby not getting involved in a conflict. It is insanely difficult, but the result should exceed all expectations. Sooner or later, children will appreciate your support and care and still accept the choice of their father.

By the way, practice and meditation will definitely help you in this matter.

2 Children do not make contact at all and openly hate you. Treat the child's behavior with understanding. It is small emotional person, almost always assesses the situation one-sidedly.

Whatever the background of his parents' relationship, in his eyes you are the woman who broke them. family happiness. This feeling is especially enhanced if the child is being “processed” by his mother. Perhaps he will realize everything later and will forgive both you and his father. So think for yourself: to respond with hatred to the hatred of a child is not worthy of an adult and reasonable woman.

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Understand that the baby negatively perceives precisely the image of the new wife of the pope, and not specifically you as a person. While he does not even know you, therefore his hatred is a kind of defensive reaction. And it is you who, with your kindness and wisdom, must prove to the child that he was fundamentally wrong.

This does not mean that from now on you will desperately try to become with him. best friends. Do not impose your society, if the child is angry - leave him alone for a while, give him the opportunity to sort out his feelings. But you shouldn't let your child close in on himself. For now, let your husband try to delicately communicate with him on this sore subject.

3 After the wedding, the behavior of the husband changed dramatically: he is everything free time gives to children, and treats you coolly. Start of a joint family life With a new chosen one, it turned out to be completely different from what you imagined him to be.

A man responds to every call of his ex-wife and is ready to fulfill any duties related to children. Not to mention the financial side of the problem, when a monthly round sum of family budget goes to the necessary and not very things and entertainment for the beloved child. Thus, it seems to you that children take away your rightful share of happiness and love.

Now think about how absurd it is to be jealous of a husband for his own children.

One way or another, no matter how harmful and capricious children are, they and only they are the most precious thing he can have. He also loves you madly, but in a different, conscious and adult love. It is by understanding the importance of these roles that you can create a real harmonious and strong family.

What should a woman do in such a situation?

It is not necessary to explain how difficult it is to raise someone else's child, to give him your care, warmth and love. And accepting a husband’s child from another marriage is an impossible task for many women, simply by nature. But an adequate, wise and sometimes even cold perception of this situation will help to maintain calm and peace now in two different families, bound together by such a fragile thread.

1 Understand and accept. By rejecting your husband's past, you simply don't have moral right claim that you really love him. It does not matter at the same time what his past relationship really was - a ridiculous mistake or a love that has exhausted itself. This does not mean that you are obliged to sincerely and wholeheartedly love the child of your husband, but you should not even try to delete him from your life.

2 Do not take the position of the aggressor. Whatever your husband says about his ex-wife, try to respect her at least as a woman. Whatever one may say, in this situation she acts more like a victim. She has her own truth, and she, the woman who is now raising your man's child alone, should not at all be interested in your happiness and well-being.

3 Ex-wife has the right to communicate with your husband. Always remember this and do not interfere with the communication of your half with the mother of his child. And let them not be for you unpleasant surprise her sudden calls. Both parents still have to decide questions regarding upbringing and necessary purchases.

The ex-wife should also count on physical assistance, if needed.

All this is very important, first of all, for the well-being of the child.

4 Try to build relationships with children. A young and energetic woman does not need to have a reputation as an "evil stepmother". Take the first step towards normal communication with the child yourself: try to talk with him, find out what he feels and for what reasons he is worried. Do it sincerely, so if you really don’t want to make contact yourself, don’t try to get rid of gifts.

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5 Give your spouse the right to private time. Perhaps the child does not want to immediately make contact with you (or his mother will not allow him to do this). Do not be offended by him and do not demand attention to yourself. Let your husband spend time with the child without you: after all, they can have their own little secrets too.

6 Let a man be independent. If your husband has a strong desire to help his child, then he can only be praised for this. A real leader never leaves his pack, which means that your common children will always be under reliable protection. Don't force your opinion on him mature man in any situation must be able to make their own decisions.

7 Don't try to "demarcate" a father's love. When a child is born in your marriage, forget about the feeling of jealousy. Often from women in similar situations you can hear phrases like "Now we need you more than he does." This is fundamentally wrong: there are no "former" or "current" children, each of them takes its own place in the life of parents. Both senior and youngest child are entitled to the same treatment. By the way, it’s good if your husband understands this just as well.

What should a man do in such a situation?

In such cases, the man himself is often in an uncomfortable position. It depends on what model of behavior he chooses for himself. prompt decision Problems. Now he, as the head of the family, has a special responsibility.

1 It does not matter for what reasons you broke up with your first wife. The main thing is to maintain a sense of respect and loyalty to her, as to the mother of your child.

2 Develop and encourage your new life partner's desire to maintain a relationship with your children from your first marriage. At the same time, one should not demand from her one hundred percent sincere and Great love. Celebrate any success she has with her children and, of course, give her lots of compliments.

3 Remember that one of the main reasons new wives are jealous of exes and their children is the fear that old feelings will gradually flare up again.

Do everything possible to ensure that the current spouse has no doubt that now she and only she is the only beloved woman in your life.