Domestic violence. Domestic violence: how it manifests itself and what to do about it

Domestic violence in the family is a very hot topic today. Humiliation by an intimate partner is intentional controlled behavior. Psychological and physical dominance is used by a person against a family member or intimate partner to gain and maintain power and control over that person. Domestic violence in the family can be not only physical and sexual in nature, but also psychological.

The abuser uses manipulation in their behavior, including:

1. intimidation;
2. threats;
3. psychological isolation (silence and ignoring) in order to coerce and control another person.

This behavior may not occur every day, but may remain hidden and be an ongoing factor in “terrorism.”

Psychological violence against a woman in the family

Psychological abuse means intense and repeated humiliation of a person as an individual. First of all, this happens due to complete isolation and control over the actions or behavior of a woman (or other family members) through intimidation or manipulation. Approximately 1 in 4 women experience violence from their partners.

Such situations “destroy the house” and a person’s life. No one deserves to be humiliated mentally and physically. Responsibility for such behavior belongs to the offender. It's not the victim's fault!

Women who experience physical violence are often isolated. Their partners tend to control their entire life to a large extent and also make it worse. Listed below are some of the warning signs domestic violence. See if these situations include those that are happening in your life and your family.

Signs of Domestic Violence

1. Physical and sexual violence. Hair pulling or biting; pushing or suffocating; kicks or punches to the head; punching and using weapons as threats; forced sexual intercourse and unwanted sexual touching in in public places or in private life; deprivation of food and sleep.
2. Emotional Abuse. Harassment in public or private; suppression of friends and family; insult (what makes a person think he is crazy); creating a feeling of guilt using “Male Privilege” over a woman; behavior of a family member as the “Owner of the Castle”, and all members of the household are servants.
3. Economic violence. A ban on work and the ability to work and earn your own money (thereby forcing a woman to ask her partner for money); take money, if any; do not give women access to family income; not giving a say in important financial decisions or demanding exclusive control over household finances.
4. Coercion and threats.Creating a deliberate threat to do something that will cause pain; constant threats of divorce and threats to commit suicide; being forced to do illegal things.
5. Intimidation. Forcing a woman to be afraid (of children or other household members) through looks, gestures or actions; throwing and damaging things; causing damage to property (house, apartment); abuse of domestic animals; dangerous driving; demonstration of weapons (as an intimidating factor).
6. Use of children. During conflicts, children are involved or children serve as a “bridge” for communication (there is no direct communication between parents, only through children); threats to take away children and the inability to see them in the future.
7. Isolation. Control over what a woman does: who she sees, what she reads, where she goes, who she goes with; driving ban; ban on employment (getting a job); ban on free use of the telephone.
8. Using jealousy and guilt to justify actions. Constant accusations of unfounded betrayal, thereby hiding behind the fact that the partner was worried and afraid in order to make him feel guilty, but in fact this only strengthens the position of the “domestic terran”.

There is an exit

The danger is real. If you are in a situation where you are being humiliated (physically and emotionally), do not ignore the situation. Domestic violence in the family is not the result of tension, anger, drugs or alcohol (but even these moments are not a reason).

The offender will “always keep” this pattern of behavior, he has learned it and will always use it perfectly, even after asking for it. Once again forgiveness, and you will believe and say: “It was in last time when I forgave you."

But the worst thing is that this “last time” will be repeated again and again, because your offender is already an excellent manipulator who has learned to dominate and intimidate. Such relationships are destructive and dangerous.

Offended and humiliated partners are afraid to communicate their feelings to anyone, perhaps someone is ashamed to admit it, and someone is simply afraid to do it. Some women feel fear because they are financially dependent on their partner.

How will they be able to take care of themselves and their children? Many women, it seems to them, simply have nowhere else to go. Abusers tend to isolate their victims, limiting all livelihoods and freedom. And most women continue to live in this madness, thinking that everything will work out.

Before you open the door to the future, you must close the door to the past.

No one will make this decision for you, they can only help you (authorities social protection, law enforcement agencies, social services), but you make the decision. Don’t be silent about your trouble, you can’t be silent, otherwise at one moment everything can end very badly for you and your children.

Now there are many social services, helplines where you can turn for help and protection. There are even special shelters for women. If you are from small town where there are no social security services, then dial the helpline number and they will help you find a way out. Just don’t think now, reading these lines, that no one will help me. You cannot help a person who does not ask for help.

Domestic violence in the family is a very difficult situation and the need to leave such a “sick” family and take the children (if any) is, of course, the right step. This will be very difficult and difficult to do, because women in such families are emotionally depressed and psychologically weak. But it is important to remember one thing, until you close the door behind you, the next door will never open in front of you.

What is domestic violence?

IN general view violence is the influence of one person on another. The main purpose of such influence is to cause harm to another against his will.

Psychology considers violence as a form of manifestation of mental and/or physical coercion in relation to one of the interacting parties, who is forced to do something against their will, desires, and needs. Under the side in in this case may refer to an individual or a group of people.

Psychology also considers violence as any act the purpose of which is to control the behavior of another person, to impose one’s will and views on him, as well as to control the thoughts and feelings of another person against his will and desire. At the same time, the rapist strives to achieve maximum gain.

At its core, domestic violence is the same thing, only it all happens within the same family. Children and women are more often victims of domestic violence.

Every year in Russia, about fourteen thousand women die due to domestic violence, and seventy-eight percent of Russian children have been subjected to violence in one form or another.

There are four main types of domestic violence:

• physical violence;
• psychological abuse;
• sexual violence;
• economic violence.

We will look at them in more detail.

This is one of the most common types of domestic violence. It represents any physical impact on a person, causing harm to his health. This includes beatings, beatings, injuries and mutilations, use of weapons, etc.

But in the context of domestic violence, such phenomena as punishment in the form of a child standing in a corner or kneeling on peas, slaps and slaps on the head, forcing a child to do hard physical labor will also constitute violent acts.

It is aimed at causing moral harm and influencing the human psyche.

Psychological abuse is the most common type, but it is the most difficult to recognize and resist.

The consequences of psychological violence do not appear immediately, but can lead to serious mental disorders.

Manifestations of psychological violence are very diverse. This may include insults, belittlement, threats, blackmail, belittling achievements, intimidation and various kinds manipulation.

Psychological abuse of children also includes neglect of the child. It manifests itself when parents do not pay attention to the child’s problems, do not take into account his opinion, and do not take into account his requests.

Psychological violence can also be more than just a direct impact on a person. As a rule, these are threats of violence towards others: parents, wife, pet. For example, a person is forced to do something, otherwise someone close to him will suffer. Also, the manifestation of indirect psychological violence occurs when a child sees, for example, a father’s cruel treatment of his mother. In both cases, the violence itself is actually directed at another person, but it can cause no less psychological trauma than direct violence.

This is a type of harassment expressed in the form of both forced sexual touching, sexual humiliation, and coercion to have sex and perform sexual acts. As a rule, in most cases, women, and less often children, are victims of sexual violence in the family. Mostly among children, the victims are minor girls.

And if both men and women can commit physical and psychological violence equally, then sexual abusers in the overwhelming majority of cases are males.

Economic violence

IN family life it, as a rule, manifests itself in the sole seizure of income, control over the financial expenses of all family members, and refusal to issue the required amount of money. Violence against children can manifest itself in complete restriction them in cash.

So, for example, a husband insists on his wife leaving work, thereby depriving her of the opportunity to earn money herself, which makes the woman financially dependent on her husband. This allows a man to completely control and manipulate his wife.

Where does domestic violence come from?

The reasons for violence towards other people can be various mental illness. For example, in patients with schizophrenia, the level of aggressiveness may increase due to hallucinations or paranoid experiences. Patients with affective bipolar disorder in the manic phase often experience psychomotor agitation, delusional thoughts and hallucinations. And this also leads to the appearance aggressive forms behavior.

Alcohol

Alcohol, or rather the condition alcohol intoxication The situation in which a person is located is very often the cause of physical and sexual violence. In this state, cognitive function decreases, criticality of perception, the desire to satisfy physiological needs comes to the fore, which is common cause sexual violence. This is why in families where there are alcoholics, children who have been subjected to violence are so often found.

A similar situation arises for people taking narcotic or psychotropic substances.

Abuse since childhood

Another common cause of domestic violence is the appearance in the family of a person who has been exposed to various types of violence since childhood. ill-treatment. For example, in families where parents were subjected to various corporal punishments during their childhood, there is a high probability that they will punish their children in the same way. That is, violence in this family will be considered the norm.

Unwanted children

The reason for the use of violence against children may also be the parents’ unpreparedness for the appearance of a child, or the undesirability of his appearance. Then there is a high probability of manifestation of a disdainful attitude towards the child, the use of various types of corporal punishment, creating conditions for the child to be completely financially dependent on his parents.

Individual characteristics of a person

Also, the cause of domestic violence may be hidden in the individual characteristics of a person. For example, people with low self-esteem can assert themselves through the tyranny of their loved ones, and people who lack self-confidence can do the same. The controlling type of person may thus try to control everyone. Don't forget about the tendency to aggression. The more aggressive a person is, the more likely he is to become violent.

Psychological characteristics of the victim

Speaking about the causes of domestic violence, it is also worth mentioning the characteristics of the victims themselves. There is a special type of behavior, it is called victimization. Criminologists define it as the illegal, immoral or defiant behavior of the victim, which became the reason for committing a crime. Psychologists view victimization as a complex of social, mental and physical signs and personality traits that increase the possibility of her transformation into a victim. Victimized people tend to provoke violence against themselves, and provocations can be both active and passive. Active provocations include various types of defiant behavior, while passive provocations include the absence of resistance to the rapist and unconditional compliance with all his demands.

But even despite the victimization of the victims, this does not remove guilt and responsibility from the rapists.

The consequences of domestic violence should never be underestimated. About three million children witness domestic violence every year. As mentioned earlier, according to statistics, approximately fourteen thousand women and children die every year because of it. More people get injured varying degrees gravity. This applies to physical damage. But not less severe consequences Domestic violence also affects the human psyche. And this applies to all its types.

Violation of basic family functions

IN normal family The child must gradually develop a sense of basic trust and the need for security must be realized. It is in the family that socialization begins and social adaptation children, the family, as an institution, has a great influence on the formation of the child’s personality. And in those families where there are manifestations of domestic violence, all basic functions of the family are disrupted. Let's try to understand this in more detail.

Physical violence not only leads to physical injury, but also causes quite serious psychological trauma. It leads to violations of the sense of trust, and the need for security is not realized. Fear of family members appears. Because of this, they can develop.

Changing children's behavior

Some children, under the influence of domestic violence, become more aggressive and begin to show aggression and cruelty towards others, while some, on the contrary, begin to be afraid to interact with all the people around them. And although the manifestations depend on individual characteristics, in both cases there is a violation of social contact.

In addition, often those children who grew up in families where manifestations physical violence were frequent and were considered the norm; growing up and becoming parents, they apply the same system of education in relation to their children. Thereby increasing the number of children affected by domestic violence.

Belittling dignity, deliberately downplaying achievements and merits, excessive and inappropriate criticism can lead to the formation of self-doubt and a feeling of helplessness in a person. When a child is taught from childhood that his achievements are not significant, that he makes many mistakes, and cannot do his job well, there is a high probability that the program laid down in this way will not allow him to achieve significant results in the future. It is also possible to develop depression with a feeling of inferiority and inferiority, and depression often leads to suicide.

Problems in your sex life

Women and girls who have been sexually abused often develop a fear of skin-to-skin contact, and also the feeling of trust in opposite sex, they begin to fear relationships with men. In addition, experienced sexual violence can provoke the development of nymphomania - pathological hypersexuality in women.

Disorders of physical and neuropsychic development

Lack of attention, support and love from parents can lead to delays in physical and neuropsychic development. As a rule, such children lag behind their peers in growth, learn worse, and find it more difficult to perceive educational material, they are much less likely to smile and take part in school life.

On the other hand, deprivation parental love and worries can lead to the child beginning to behave defiantly in order to attract attention. They are starting to show it.

In children, with early age those exposed to violence may develop a state of learned helplessness. This is a human condition in which the individual does not make attempts to improve his condition, although he has such an opportunity. It is characterized by passivity, depression, reluctance to change the hostile environment or avoid being in it, even when there is such an opportunity.

Psychosomatics

Victims of violence may develop various psychosomatic diseases: appetite disturbances leading to weight loss or, conversely, sudden weight gain, all sorts of allergies begin to appear. Sleep disturbances often occur. Neuropsychiatric diseases such as nervous tics (fecal incontinence) and enuresis (urinary incontinence) often develop.

This issue can be viewed from several angles. On the one hand, most types of physical violence and any sexual violence are crimes, which means that they are criminally punishable. But victims of domestic violence typically do not often turn to law enforcement. This happens because the child, in relation to whom early childhood showed a cruel attitude, does not always understand that his parents are committing an offense against him. This is the situation for him social development is the norm. Another reason why victims do not contact the police is their reluctance criminal liability for a member of his family, and unwillingness to wash dirty linen in public. Victims of sexual assault often have a feeling of shame about what happened, which will prevent the victim of sexual assault from telling anyone about what happened. Contacting law enforcement may also be hindered by fear of the rapist and the fear that contacting the police in the future will only worsen the situation and cause greater aggression and cruelty on the part of the rapist.

On the other hand, psychological and economic violence is quite difficult to qualify as a criminal act, that is, formally there is no legal liability for its manifestation.

Therefore, when faced with a form of domestic violence for which legal liability is provided, it is advisable to contact the appropriate authorities. This will help to avoid further manifestations of violent actions towards all family members, and the rapist in this case will not have a feeling of complete impunity and permissiveness.

The situation is more complicated with psychological and economic violence. As already mentioned, practically no form is punishable from the point of view of the law, therefore only the person himself can protect himself in this case. One of the most effective ways- this is reducing contact with the rapist to a minimum. Such an opportunity, unfortunately, is not always available, but if there is a chance to eliminate communication with a person who uses violence from life, then it must be taken. In general, this applies to all types of violence.

In addition, in the vast majority of cases, victims of domestic violence need the help of a psychologist. As mentioned earlier, domestic tyranny can lead to serious psychological trauma, preventing a person from socializing normally and building contact with others. In addition, this type of injury often leads to psychosomatic and neuropsychic disorders. And only a competent, qualified psychologist or psychotherapist can help with this. Under no circumstances should you be afraid or embarrassed to seek help from a specialist. A timely visit to a psychologist can help reduce the consequences of this type of trauma to a minimum, and therefore return a person to normal life, without fear, mistrust and a sense of one’s own inferiority and inferiority.

Victim behavior (victim complex) is also corrected with the help of psychotherapy. Working with a good therapist can help you break free from being a victim.

Conclusion

Statistics show that domestic violence is a fairly common phenomenon in our lives. Knowing what it is and why it arises can help to recognize its manifestations in time. This, in turn, will help protect yourself from marriage with such a person or, conversely, provide a reason for divorce. It will also give a reason to think about the behavior: whether it is victimized, and whether the victim herself often provokes violence against her.

Understanding the meaning and effectiveness psychological assistance This will help victims of domestic violence increase the number of visits to a specialist, and therefore increase the number of people coping with psychological trauma.

According to the international organization Amnesty International, about 14 thousand victims of domestic violence die in Russia every year. According to other studies, 36 thousand Russian citizens suffer beatings from their husbands every day. If you think about it, these figures are comparable to the population of small cities. Every day we turn on the light in the kitchen, cook dinner, drink tea with our family, completely unaware of what is happening in the next apartment. Unfortunately, domestic violence is a catastrophic problem in our society. Accustomed to silence, women continue to live, go to work, hiding new bruises and abrasions from everyone.

How to avoid becoming a victim of violence? Where can you turn for help if you are in trouble? Let's find out!

Types of domestic violence

1. Economic violence

Oppression of the victim by the aggressor by limiting him in food, clothing and other benefits. Economic violence is common in families with different material incomes.

2. Psychological violence

This type of violence includes the deliberate intimidation of one family member by another with the aim of causing him psychological trauma, as well as the emergence of emotional insecurity and fear in the victim.

3. Physical violence

Physical violence is accompanied by beatings, systematic beating by the aggressor of both one victim and all family members.

4. Sexual violence

Violent acts of a sexual nature can be carried out both against a woman and against young family members.

Five reasons to hate. Why do men beat women?

We won't make a portrait domestic tyrant, who keeps his entire family in fear and regularly beats his wife. Let's try to identify the most common reasons why men raise their hands against women.

1. A man suspects a woman of cheating. The fear of being deceived and abandoned makes many representatives of the stronger sex raise their hand to their soulmate. Such men are used to proving everything with their fists, so it will be easier for them to clearly explain to their wife what will happen to her in the event adultery than to talk.
2. The man drank, drank heavily. It seemed to him that his wife was talking to him too rudely. As a result, the woman has a bruise under her eye, and the husband sleeps sweetly in a warm bed.
3. A representative of the stronger half of humanity cannot imagine that it is possible to behave differently. His father and grandfather regularly beat their wives, so the man, embodying the behavior model of his ancestors, uses violence against his wife.
4. The man is an insecure person in life. Quite often, husbands raise their hands against their wives after receiving a scolding from their boss at work, quarreling with a colleague, or not getting the desired position. Having not realized his potential at work, a man comes to his home to let off steam.
5. The woman dared to lose an expensive gift. Whether on purpose or by accident - it no longer matters to the husband. Similar situation may arise if the wife had an accident and destroyed her husband’s favorite car.

Whatever the reason why the man raised his hand against the woman, the further scenario of events is predetermined.

Four phases of domestic violence

The cyclical path followed by the victim and the rapist was described by L. Walker in the seventies of the twentieth century in the USA. Time has passed, but the situation has not changed. The generally accepted model looks like this:

Stage I. Growing tension in the family

The stage is characterized by the complication of relationships within the family: constant manifestation of discontent, frequent disputes and quarrels. The victim tries to calm the aggressor, to encourage him to maintain peace in the family, but all her attempts are in vain.

Stage II. Violence

The culmination of tension in the family is the manifestation of violent actions by the aggressor. Accompanied by intimidation, accusations, threats, and beatings.

Stage III. Reconciliation

The offender apologizes (this does not always happen), tries to logically explain his action, shifts part of the blame (or all the blame) onto the victim, and tries to hush up the incident. His mood noticeably improves, he tries to joke and laugh as if nothing had happened.

Stage IV. Honeymoon

This stage is characterized by harmony in the relationship between partners. The offender is forgiven, the incident is forgotten, peace reigns in the family. But for how long? Over time, each stage becomes shorter, the aggressor attacks his victim more and more violently, and it becomes more and more difficult to resolve the conflict peacefully.

What keeps women silent?

Once captured by a domestic tyrant, few victims seek help. Most women endure bullying and beatings for years. Why?

• Shame

Many women consider it shameful to be beaten own husband. That is why they continue to remain silent, enduring blows and insults from their other half.

• Fear

A victim of domestic violence is terribly afraid of his tyrant. Therefore, she believes that if she tells someone about the beatings, he will become even more angry. In addition, many women are afraid for their children; victims are driven by the fear of losing them.

• Habit

Victims of domestic violence, accustomed to living in constant stress for years, cannot imagine that it is possible to live differently. Many wives sincerely believe that everyone lives this way. Women believe that one day their husband will improve and life will shine with bright colors.

It won't get better. Never. Once a man raises his hand to his wife, he will repeat it again and again.

Where can I go for help?

If you are a victim of domestic violence:

1. Do not remain silent under any circumstances.
2. Try to hide in the bathroom or with your neighbors if you have time to escape.
3. Scream as loud as possible. Call for help.
4. Call the police as soon as possible.
5. Remember: there is no turning back! And you didn’t start this conflict; you have nothing to blame yourself for.
6. Protect yourself and your children!

According to official statistics, about 40 percent of all serious violent crimes are committed within the family.

There are victims of domestic tyrants in every fourth family. Ask for help! In almost every city there are crisis centers, ready to provide any support to victims of domestic violence.

On the territory of the Russian Federation there is a single helpline for victims of domestic violence: 8 800 7000 600 .
If you find yourself in difficult situation, call and competent specialists will help you.

Your future is in your hands!

Unfortunately, domestic violence is one of the most discussed topics in Russia. Who is to blame - the rapist or the victim, is it possible to beat children educational purposes and whether it is necessary, in principle, to endure beatings in the hope of ephemeral changes, says family psychologist and psychotherapist Marina Travkova.

Marina Travkova

Marina Travkova, family psychologist, systemic family psychotherapist, member of the Society of Family Consultants and Psychotherapists.

What is violence

Violence is dangerous, harmful and no one needs it. Nevertheless, this is a large complex problem of our society, and the main thing here is not to go to extremes. The basis of any violence is always inequality. A person who feels equal will most likely be able to answer something, stand up for himself - the situation will become visible, and he will try to get out of it. But where there is a hierarchy, where there is a manifestation of the power of one over the other - for example, a teacher and a student, a coach and the one he trains, a prisoner and a guard - there is a basis for violence. Another important marker is how people behave after a breakdown into violence. If this is just a breakdown, then the person will be ashamed - he will not relieve himself of responsibility for what happened and will try to do everything to prevent this from happening again. And it’s completely different when a person does not repent, continuing to insist that he was driven or provoked. With these words, he transfers the levers of his behavior to another person. At the same time, neither his partner’s pain nor his fear stops him - he quite possibly even enjoys his own power.

When women or men present to the hospital with bruises or bruises, this is just the tip of the iceberg. There is invisible violence, which in its impact is no less destructive and toxic than physical and sexual violence - it is difficult to detect, and it is not subject to either criminal or administrative prosecution. We are talking about psychological and economic violence. About situations where a person takes a salary from his partner, forcing him or her to beg for money, or about relationships when a person is humiliated for a long time and, through manipulation, they try to force him to do something against his will.

Women most often suffer from domestic violence. If we look at the hierarchy - who is weaker and who is stronger, then the ratio is clearly not in favor of women. Moreover, this applies to all aspects of life - both socially and economically in our state, women have little protection. She often depends on a man.

A man is encouraged by society to defend his rights - to fight, to brazen and active courtship. He cannot become limp or cry, but he has the right to strike. If a man cries during a conflict, it will be strange for the public consciousness. It makes more sense if he starts fighting. The requirements for women are opposite. She, on the contrary, must soften rough edges, be polite and resolve all conflicts with words, and for physical disputes between women there are offensive labels such as “cat fights.” A man's fight always remains this fight.

Violence does not correlate with intelligence or social well-being. There are many cases when educated and even brilliant people showed violence towards loved ones. A person can be anyone, a professional in his field, a high-ranking official, a doctor, an intellectual - his social status in itself is no guarantee for those around him. Violence comes from having power and the desire to hurt another. That is why it is found in any environment, including prosperous ones.

Who is guilty

It is never the victim's fault that she was hit. She can't be held responsible for a fist flying at her face. The one to whom this fist belongs is responsible for it. But society nevertheless often tries to find an excuse for the rapist and blame the victim for everything. This behavior can be explained by the social phenomenon of “just world”. We all know that we are fragile and mortal, and that anything can happen to us. But we prefer to “close ourselves” from this knowledge and live as if we were in control of the situation: if we behave Fine And Right, then the world will respond in kind. If I treat people kindly, then they will be kind to me. If I love a person and care about him, then he should reciprocate. This is one of the basic human illusions. And when a person is faced with a difficult situation, for example, a woman sees her friend with a broken face, the first thing she will ask will be: “Why did he do this to you?” This is a defensive reaction, an attempt to preserve the idea of ​​a “just world” in which a friend allegedly did something wrong and was punished for it. We find it difficult to come to terms with irrational and unjust cruelty, with the brutal truth of our vulnerability and the danger of the world. We prefer to think that we are immortal - we plan things for years in advance and live as if we control everything. That is why the first feelings that the victim herself experiences are shame and guilt. The concept of a “just world” is so strong that the victim himself begins to look for cause-and-effect relationships and try to find the situation in which he behaved wrong Right. This is necessary in order to avoid making similar “mistakes” in the future. After all, if you behave

, then everything will be fine again. This is a strong cognitive distortion, and if the victim remains in this situation for a long time, her psyche is deformed. She believes: if she says differently, dresses differently, smiles differently, does something differently, then the beatings will stop. It's very strong psychological protection

, and to “break it” you need awareness and awareness. And we have problems with this. After all, our society focuses on the victim herself - on what she is wearing, how she behaves. Women do not want to admit that this is possible, and men do not want to admit that they are capable of this. In this situation, it is important that there is a person next to the victim who will support and tell the simple truth that violence is, in principle, unacceptable. The same concept of a “just world” says that if you are attacked by a stranger on the street, then you deserve the pity and support of society. Although in the case of sexual violence there is no guarantee that the person will receive support. Nevertheless, it legitimizes the fact that you are the injured party and have the right to complain. Domestic violence is getting worse. A woman may think: “It seems like I chose him myself, he and at the very beginning he looked after me so beautifully.” This makes her even more ashamed. And since none of us is able to turn off our feelings in one second, she can still continue to love her tormentor. In addition, it often happens like this: in the morning a husband hits his wife, and at lunchtime, as if nothing had happened, he talks to her and smiles. The woman doesn’t understand how this is possible, she gets lost, and stops believing her own perceptions. She must combine this image of him as aggressive with his romantic courtship, falling in love, children and family. It is difficult for her to realize that everything has collapsed. Only tens of hundreds of thousands of women are able to immediately pack their things, take their children and leave. But such women, as a rule, have somewhere to go - there are loved ones who will accept and support them. But if there is no support or ways to retreat, then the situation becomes circular. The woman continues to live with her rapist, and the longer she lives with him, the more afraid she is and the less she understands herself. Unfortunately, society has all the more reasons to say: “She didn’t leave.”

There are many reasons for violence. There are organic reasons: a person is incapable of empathy, does not know how to feel other people. Violence is often reproduced by those who themselves were abused as children. Newborn baby - Blank sheet, and what behavioral patterns he will develop depends on his environment. People prone to violence grew up in an environment in which there was no opportunity to develop. When they feel angry, they have no control tools and no impulses to stop them. Agree, every person at least once wanted to hit someone or even kill someone. Why don't we do this? Not just because it's scary. We feel the suffering of another person. Our mirror neurons work, and we try on ourselves the pain that we could potentially cause to another. And it hurts us to imagine someone else's pain. But if a person was raised with the idea that he is better than others, that strength is the main value and priority, or violence was used against him, then as he grows up he becomes a potential rapist.

People who practice domestic violence were interviewed and tried to find out why they did it. So, they had a lot of excuses, reasons: they just wanted to teach or teach a lesson, they themselves were driven to grief, they argued with them, but there was nothing - this is all a text that shows the attitude towards others not as equal. Your partner should be your equal. Is it possible to teach a child through beatings? We are responsible for him and are obliged to teach him everything we know, but to beat him and tell him that this is for his own good means destroying his psyche. Subsequently, he will think that “they love and beat” is the norm. That love is humiliation.

The most common myths and stereotypes associated with domestic violence

Violence is an element of education

Violence is not only bruises, bruises and scars on the skin, it is also a blow to the personality. Often people who have been systematically beaten, grow up and say: “They beat me, and that’s okay - I grew up to be a man.” But nevertheless, research suggests the opposite - such children behave worse in stressful situations and in adult life have increased risk face various kinds of addictions, for example, becoming drug addicts or alcoholics.

Violence against a child affects various aspects of his life and has a negative impact on his future. The world is becoming unsafe for him. He has more relationship problems - It’s harder for him to believe that he can be loved just like that.

Violence is an expression of love

The phrase “hitting means loving” has nothing to do with love and can be interpreted as “you are my property, and I have the right to do whatever I want with you.” Even if a woman sits at home and the family lives on her husband’s salary, this does not give him the right to beat anyone - neither his wife nor his children. This is not love. Love implies equality - you are together voluntarily. From the moment of the first strike, you will never know whether the person is with you willingly or out of fear.

There can be no sexual violence in a family - between husband and wife

If people live together for more than one year, then it is unlikely sexual attraction will be at the same level every day. People may be sick, tired, sleep-deprived, and simply not want sex. And also not to want it for a thousand other reasons. And forcing a person to have sex with you against his will means raping him. Women, often driven by the fear of abandonment or the myth “since my husband, I must,” force themselves to have sex at the request of their partner, but this is a destructive and harmful practice. Neither you nor your partner are obligated to have sex if you don't want to. It happens that men get angry and ask: “How can this be, why doesn’t she want to? Why did you marry me?” Well, when I came out, I wanted to. This means that something has changed, and you need to look for reasons if the relationship is dear to you. Look for causes of cooling and eliminate them. But nothing gives you the right to rape your partner. Do you think it's sex? a vital necessity, “take it out and put it down”? You have the right to look for another partner. But don't rape.

Domestic violence, which can also be called domestic or domestic violence, is a systemic and escalating act of aggression committed by a family member (more rarely, several family members), and which is directed at one or other relatives of this family. Such an aggressive act can have various manifestations: physical, psychological, sexual or economic.

However, they all serve the same purpose - to gain control over another or others, to force them to obey, even to the detriment of personal interests. It is not correct to say that domestic violence is only the problem of the submissive woman. According to research data, domestic violence most often affects children, followed by women. In addition, this type of violence includes acts of aggression towards domestic animals. And the American Association for Gender Equality notes that the percentage of men reporting domestic violence against themselves is growing every year.

Causes of domestic violence

The cause of domestic violence is always the personality of the aggressor himself, his internal problems. Sometimes, this is due to a feeling of inferiority, unprocessed resentment. This is why the situation is so difficult to resolve. After all, you need to start with the problems of the tyrant himself, and he is not in a hurry to make contact. By the way, this also includes learned principles of behavior in the family, when the child himself turns into a tyrant.

Alcohol, drugs and bad financial situation are just aggravating factors. A study has been conducted that alcoholic men who beat women only in 10% of cases stop doing this, getting rid of alcohol addiction. Others continue their violence while completely sober.

To present the picture in more detail, let's look at the subtypes of domestic violence.

Main subtypes of domestic violence

The problems of recognizing domestic violence in our country are inextricably linked with culture and mentality. Let us at least turn to the proverbs: “he who hits, loves”; “Dear ones scold - they just amuse themselves.” An additional obstacle is the fact that our people are not used to going to a psychologist for help. And, if a victim of domestic violence files some kind of statement, then, returning home, he again comes under pressure and, without having psychological support, can no longer resist and takes the papers. And law enforcement agencies, knowing this situation, are in no hurry to take any action.


Another important factor, already from the point of view of gender-based family violence, is the socially determined importance in our country for a woman to have the status of “married”. Although not only status. The entire culture cultivates the importance of such relationships, and sometimes it is difficult for a woman to admit, first of all, to herself that her lover is a real despot and rapist.

Signs that a woman is living with a tyrant

• a man puts you in a uniquely dependent financial position;
• makes constant comments, maliciously notices the “truth” regarding your appearance: thick legs, flat chest... At the same time, he claims that he gives such “tips” for the purpose of “self-improvement”;
• constantly instills a feeling of guilt: I cooked it wrong, served it, looked at it, met it, etc. while he (your tyrant) was simply exhausted at work / was just going home / dreamed of seeing a normal house, but here everything is not like that...;
• humiliates the dignity of both you and women in general, has a negative attitude towards relatives and criticizes friends in every possible way, classifying them as “unworthy and simple-minded.” The main purpose of this is the desire to protect people from you who can help you and influence your self-esteem. By the way, when starting to date a man, pay attention to how he speaks about his previous women. If he willingly and without your questions begins to discuss all their shortcomings, do not expect that he will be generous to your even the smallest shortcomings;
• jealous, often harshly and unreasonably, in some cases - forbids wearing makeup, smiling in public, talking with others;
• feels furious at your successes, tries to ridicule and diminish them;
• takes it out on you " Bad mood"and problems at work;
• can never admit he is wrong! Even if the tyrant is wrong, then it was his wife who brought him to this point, even to beatings and scandals.

If the description is painfully familiar, and more than five statements fully correspond to your spouse, then you have a tyrant. And you shouldn’t indulge yourself with illusions.
Common myths about relationships with a tyrant.

1. “Love will change everything.” Alas, this is not about such a person, because he only loves himself. He will never appreciate your sacrifice. For him, you are a “stupid sheep” who is lucky to be allowed to love a “lion.”
2. “A woman is supposed to endure for the sake of her family.” There are women who are comfortable in the role of “eternal victim” and this is their choice and a topic for another conversation. If you are not one of them, then remember - you have one life and only you decide what it will be like.
3. “A child needs a father, and we have a family.” This is absolutely true. But the family is an example for children to follow. Tell me, would you like your daughter to find the same tyrant? And the boys, swallowing their tears in childhood and saying that they would “never raise a hand against a woman,” found their new sophisticated ways bullying?

Child abuse

The concept of domestic violence against children is very complex. On the one hand, some European countries, the USA and Canada have long been faced with the fact of manipulation of this rule of law. Children begin to invent fables, resenting their parents for depriving them of the opportunity to play computer games for hours, for example.

On the other hand, a child often cannot convey the facts of the most serious and terrible things that have been done to him, because they do not know how and where to turn or because they are afraid of physical violence.

The State Duma revised the article that dealt with domestic violence. And article of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation of 2017 (No. 116) excluded “beatings against loved ones” from the list of criminal offenses, providing for administrative liability. Cases of relapse and serious bodily injury may be considered as an exception. Such amendments caused diametrically opposed reactions. Those who feared that any bruise on the child’s body could be used to harm his parents are happy. Others, following the example of the Council of Europe, argue that Russia has allowed “fighting in the family with impunity.” Psychologists voice facts showing that a decrease in the degree of responsibility leads to an increase in such cases. But it is important not so much to pass the law as to monitor its compliance. And, according to statistical studies, it actually didn’t work.

The topic of domestic violence against children runs through many foreign films. Most often, they show how such events affect the psyche and actually affect the rest of life. The famous "Forrest Gump" concerns the story of Forest's girlfriend, whose life difficulties are related to sexual abuse by her father. The film “Treasure” (2009) touches on the topic of not only such violence, but also the psychology of a mother who prefers to close her eyes to what is happening in order to maintain a relationship with her partner.

But one of the most tragic films on this topic is the drama “ Lilac color"(translation option - "Purple flowers of the fields"). It addresses not only the problem of violence, but also the usual reaction of society to such victims: indifference, misunderstanding, and sometimes open intolerance.

What to do if you are experiencing domestic violence?

• Don't be silent. You should decide to ask for help.
• If you decide to leave, never return. Rapists simply need their victim. Moreover, many perceive the victim as part of their property. They are ready to do everything to get her back, even convince her that they will improve. But, according to statistics, those who returned are subject to “punishment”: many receive serious injuries, and some even die.
• Analyze why this happened to you, what attracted the tyrant to you so much. A psychologist or psychotherapist will help you figure this out. Because often the problem takes the form vicious circle: after leaving one despot, a woman finds another.
• Contact law enforcement agencies and loved ones. Who can help you, see a psychologist or psychotherapist who can conduct high-quality rehabilitation.
• Contact the support group. Those who also experienced similar violence come to them. You can find such groups in your city using the Internet.
• Contact a lawyer to defend your rights in case of divorce.

The topic of domestic violence experienced by men in their families deserves additional attention. Gender equality advocates point to the fact that men often experience such violence without even realizing that they are victims. In particular, acts of such domestic violence include: constant quarrels, which are initiated by women (including periods of hormonal fluctuations), the inability to fully relax, the need to hide part of their income in order to be able to use it at their own discretion, and even the long stay of the wife’s parents in the house. I wonder how to evaluate Cohabitation several generations in one living space?