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I noticed that my son was sexually attracted to me. Gender and self-identification of the child
Help me please. I don't know what to do now. I woke up last night to a strange noise. My sleep is very sensitive. I woke up and saw: my younger brother is standing next to my bed with a phone in his hands, the blanket is thrown back from me. I understand that he wanted to take a picture of me. He pulled back the covers and I woke up. I didn’t immediately understand what was the matter ... I said: what are you doing here? There was no one at home, except for my younger sister and me.
At first she tried to pretend that she did not understand what he was doing. Then she could not stand it, got dressed, went into his room, shouted at him. He didn't say anything to me and didn't say anything. We are both in our 20s and I am older than my brother. I don’t want to see him anymore, hear him ... I feel sick as soon as I remember. I don't know what to do now. I can’t tell my mother, she has a very weak heart ... I’m afraid that she will hate him, and he is the only son. I don't know who to turn to. Please advise what should I do in this situation.
Answers:
In terms of religion:
Close relatives of the opposite sex - mahrams (relatives, marriage between whom according to Sharia is prohibited) Islam allows to communicate with each other, look at each other and even, according to a more reliable opinion, touch each other. However, as far as the parts of the body from the navel to the knees are concerned, all looking at and touching them is forbidden!
What exactly prompted your brother to such an act is hard to say. Perhaps he wanted to somehow use this photo (argued with someone or something), or maybe out of his own curiosity. I think the psychologist will give an explanation for your brother's behavior.
The manifestation of such an unhealthy interest, of course, is reprehensible, condemned and forbidden, moreover, disgusting!
I can say with confidence that nothing like this would have happened at all if your parents had given their son an appropriate upbringing and taught him religion!
According to Islam, parents are highly recommended to marry or marry off their children as soon as possible. If your brother were married, such interest in you, most likely, would not have arisen. Talk to your mother and say that your brother has already grown up, you can even say that, they say, he clearly shows interest in the opposite sex, stares, etc. Find him a bride as soon as possible and marry him. And you, in turn, should close your room at night (if you have one).
From the point of view of psychology:
I have come across the situation you describe many times. Unfortunately, such cases began to occur more and more often, and this is mainly due to distortions in the system of perception of the picture of the world and the moral sphere of a person. Most likely, you are right, and your brother was driven by the desire to take your photo while you sleep and you have a minimum of clothes on. In this case, it makes sense to think about several things at once regarding not only the behavior of your brother, but also yourself.
Usually such behavior on the part of a brother is a consequence of the awakening of sexual desire. Of course, the fact that this attraction was directed to a sister is unpleasant in itself, since this is an extremely unhealthy attraction, the consequences of which are sometimes terrible. However, it is appropriate to think about how such drives are generally formed. Human nature is usually arranged in such a way that a person begins to desire what he most often observes, what is capable of constantly arousing passion. Some people easily succumb to passions due to the weakness of the spiritual sphere, religious beliefs, lack of understanding of what is forbidden and what is allowed. If we take the physiological basis of what is happening with your brother, then this is a consequence of the dissatisfaction of sexual desire and its constant growth. At his age, provided that he is not married, the presence of sexual desire is quite understandable, since the sexual instinct will necessarily manifest itself in one form or another. This once again testifies in favor of the fact that the guys need to marry on time.
Now regarding your personal "contribution" to what happened. You need to understand: there is also your own fault in the fact that your brother behaved this way, although there was no conscious motive at its basis. The fact is that, not perceiving your brother as a man (which is quite natural), you did not attach due importance to what you wear at home, what clothes you are wearing and what parts of the body may be open. This state of affairs led to the fact that an unhealthy interest in you gradually awakened in the brother's subconscious. Usually this interest begins to grow and reaches the zone of consciousness. Naturally, in the early stages of realizing the unhealthy nature of his own interest, the brother could fight it, but constant observation of you contributed to the growth of interest. The result of this was what you report in your letter.
From this it becomes clear what to do next and how to solve the current problem. First things first - the exclusion of the stimulus awakening interest. Pay close attention to how you are dressed at home, the same applies to your younger sister. If you have not yet told anyone about what happened, then it makes sense to continue to remain silent, since disclosure of what happened will not benefit anyone, but will only harm, and not only damage your brother’s reputation, but also negatively affect his own psychological health. It's enough for him that you scolded him. In addition, make sure that at the time when you sleep, you are not in too open things - ideally, if you get night pajamas and sleep in them. The same applies to your younger sister.
If there is such an opportunity, talk to your brother, censure his act, but at the same time make it clear that you have forgiven him and, if he does not repeat what he did again, you will forget about what happened as a bad dream and continue to love him as your brother. With the right approach, your problem will be safely resolved and will not happen again in the future.
Muhammad-Amin - Hadji Magomedrasulov
theologian
Aliaskhab Anatolievich Murzaev
psychologist-consultant of the Center for Social Assistance to Families and Children
The knowledge of one's gender occurs through contemplation and pleasure. And that is great! Therefore, do not scold your child for "indecent behavior." Almost all adults masturbated as children. Usually this happens for a short time - from early childhood to school. By that time, the child is already aware of his gender and he has other interests. If the baby is constantly engaged in self-satisfaction, this may indicate trouble in the family.
Babies look at and explore their genitals in the same way that they look at their face, touch and even taste their secretions.
However, many parents are horrified to see their child explore their genitals. They perceive it as the first sexual games.
Actually it is not. Irritation of the genital organs can be caused by impurities, tight clothing, as a result of which the baby rubs and scratches these places. Sometimes it makes her feel good, so she tends to repeat it. But such an action will acquire sexual significance after she reaches puberty.
When a child studies his leg, arm, nose, ear, this does not cause horror, does it? Many parents themselves are happy to watch this process and even take pictures. But if they catch the baby studying the genitals, they begin to scream, swear, insult and punish him. Thus, adults draw the attention of the child to these organs.
Usually such a negative attitude, as a rule, is shown by those parents who do not satisfy their sexual desires due to their religious views or prohibitions that have been imposed on them since childhood.
They will make sure that the child "does not climb there with his hands."
The parent who has hidden his sexual desire behind puritanical behavior passes on this concentrated energy gathered around the genitals to his child. Captious glances, shouts and punishments complete their effect.
It has been noticed that most often children's masturbation manifests itself in unhealthy and single-parent families.
Another reason why a child masturbates is his weakened nervous system. This condition of the child is associated with relationships in the family and attitude towards the mother during pregnancy. A restless pregnancy, when a woman is made nervous, leads to the fact that the child's nervous system is weakened.
Masturbation does not cause physical harm. In the future adult life, he affirms the preference for this particular erogenous zone, that is, the form of the relationship between the sexes that leads to childbearing.
The brain fixes any experiences of the child and his life experience, therefore this experiment is also postponed in the memory of the brain. In the future, he will enter the sexual script and become a model of sexual behavior.
Of course, this does not mean that masturbation should be encouraged. You just have to treat it as a determinant of the future form of sexual life.
Alertness should cause prolonged and frequent masturbation. Sometimes it is resorted to by children who are in a chronic traumatic situation. Thus, they relieve nervous tension and anxiety. Sometimes this is a sign of damage to the endocrine and nervous system.
In no case do not threaten the boy to cut off his dignity, since such a promise from the parents causes the baby to fear castration - the loss of the penis and the associated idea of \u200b\u200bhis superiority. You risk doing the opposite. After such a statement, the child begins to pay attention to what is located below the waist, more often touches, checks “is it in place?”.
Prevention of onanism are also:
daily change of underwear;Casual clothes;
orderly sleep;
washing feet at night with cold water;
quick rise in the morning;
hardening;
mobile lifestyle;
accustoming to the accurate and quick administration of natural needs;
interest in interesting activities;
communication with peers;
prevention of overeating at night;
restriction of exciting sexual information;
psychological comfort;
taking calming herbs at night, such as valerian.
Girlfriends are having serious problems. The eldest son (16 years old) has been molesting his younger sister (11 years old) for some time now. In the beginning, this manifested itself in the demonstration of his genitals, and now he has begun to “dissolve” his hands in full. There was a conversation between father and son, but after that nothing changed, the son suggested that his daughter "swing". A friend is already afraid to leave her children alone, she is nervous and crying. As far as I know, the father and son do not have a trusting relationship and therefore it is not worth waiting for a result from their conversation. Their son grows up silent and not sociable, but from his hobbies he loves to draw. Now he has become rude and cruel, arguing with his parents, skipping classes.
The fact that the son has not stopped pestering his sister, the girlfriend does not tell her husband, she is afraid that he will simply "beat" her son.
I suggested to my friend to focus her son's attention on her peers, to ask one of the relatives (younger) to help him with his "sexual" problems ("remove" a woman who will help him overcome this barrier). But they do not have such a person who would help their son, he practically does not communicate with anyone, there is no trusting relationship.
I'm afraid that if they don't take action, a small child might get hurt.
Hello Zhanna!
Advise your friend and son to see a psychologist. You need to look at the child, it is possible to conduct a diagnosis, because. in adolescence, due to various rearrangements in the body and psyche, various sharpenings (exacerbations) of some psychological traits can occur.
Correction may be required, i.e. work with the child: either in an individual or in a group format.
All the best. Galina.
Good answer 5 bad answer 0Hello Zhanna. The guy must first be shown to a psychiatrist, and the girl - to a child psychologist, because. such behavior on the part of a BROTHER can be traumatic for her. 16 years is the age when a mental illness (debut) can manifest itself, it must be excluded (if confirmed, then begin to treat). And then to a psychologist, because. his behavior is not normal. Correction is necessary, because. the guy does not know what to "do" with his emerging sexuality, and can "find" a destructive channel (through violence). Perhaps he himself had some kind of sexual experience in childhood, associated with elders, of which adults are not aware. So, in absentia, it is impossible to understand what is happening to him, so it is better to play it safe. Just do not put pressure on him, if this is a disease or there was a use of him as a sexual object, brainwashing in the form of threats will not help, it will only get worse, it is better to consult with specialists in person. All the best. Regards, A.Zh.
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Hello Zhanna!
It is obvious to me that the responsibility of parents for what is happening now with their son is enormous. It was they who did not teach their son the elementary moral norms of behavior with loved ones, when any sexual impulse to a close relative should be suppressed, especially since there are enough objects around to realize one's sexual desire. Apparently, the boy is not trained in self-regulation. In this case, the parents should take over the regulation of his behavior and now make sure that he does not do trouble. Let them organize their lives so that the children are not left alone. Well, and of course, it is necessary, first of all, to establish contact with a teenager, so that there is an opportunity to influence him and "finish" what has not been brought up and what else can be invested in him. All the best, Elena.
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Hello Zhanna.
Normally, a person has a SuperEgo or the so-called conscience, which is brought up from early childhood by the norms of society, the norms of parents. These are certain norms of behavior, taboos, etc.
We are all different and our conscience is different. For some it is more rigid, for others it is more permissive.
But there are gross deviations from the norm.
What and when?
1. Personal development follows a sociopathic path.
2. Personal development follows a psychotic path.
Zhanna, judging by what you wrote, it can be assumed that the boy was brought up correctly, but His personality develops along one of these paths.
To understand what is happening with the child, a child psychiatrist will help. Possibly prescribe medication.
And only then, knowing the clinical picture of what is happening, you can begin long-term psychotherapy with a child psychologist, preferably one who knows child pathopsychology.
Zhanna, it's certainly good that you, being not the mother of a child, are worried about him, but it would be better if his parents were worried about this.
Make decisions for your children.
In my practical experience as a psychiatrist, your friend can lose both children: a son - because. his psychopathology is very serious; daughter - therefore, becoming an adult, she will not be able to forgive her mother for not protecting her from her brother.
Sincerely, Tatyana Shamilyevna, psychiatrist
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