Uncontrollable children: normal or pathological? Age crisis in a child. Parenting

While scientists and educators discuss ways to interact with children who are under the influence of destructive feelings, parents are looking for methods to teach their children the skills of emotional self-control.

Control of emotions is a human privilege

Authoritative expert in the field intra-family relations Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is convinced that the desire to manage one's emotions is a fundamental human characteristic. It encourages people to constantly analyze their experiences and the feelings of others before acting. Parents and other members of society responsible for children can and should teach the younger generation this art.

The latest research shows that the ability to “self-regulate” internal life is inherent in human offspring. “Self-control” implies the potential ability of children to “slow down” their reflexive emotional reaction on external influences to turn it into meaningful action. “Self-regulation” skills are important not only in interpersonal communication, but also in the process of improving the individual, bringing him to greater heights. high level development. Parents have a responsibility to use every contact they have with their children to teach them the principles of “self-government.” Mary advises parents where to start in this matter:

Set clear standards of behavior

The child must have clear criteria for evaluating his actions. For example, if his behavior causes harm to himself, others, or environment, then he must stop and think about what he is doing wrong. When rules are unclear or difficult to understand, children find it very difficult to control themselves.

Take a break

If you hear words from your child that are not what you expected, pay attention to them. Take a deep breath. Don't get angry under any circumstances. You must be not only a mentor, but also a role model. Just pause and say back, “Let's try again. I'm listening carefully. I understand that you want to tell me something important. Say it in such a way that I can help you.” If your baby’s vocabulary is still developing, teach him what you consider “comfortable” expressions.

For example:

"Please let me do this differently..."

"Dad, could you give me..."

“I’m starting to worry, I ask you - help me...”

“Pay attention to me, please...”

Only peace

Children express emotions openly. They laugh so contagiously that those around them cannot help but smile. They are wildly happy when they succeed at something for the first time. They throw things in anger, become capricious if they don’t get what they want, and cry when it hurts. Not all adults know how to react to this range of emotions.

We understand the damage our parents unwittingly caused us - they wanted the best for us, but neglected our feelings because they did not learn to manage their own. Then we ourselves become parents and realize what a difficult task we have ahead of us. How to respond to children's emotions without causing harm? The problems they cry about seem funny to us. When children are sad, you want to hug them, when they are angry, you want to yell at them. Sometimes I wish children would stop worrying so much. We are busy, there is no time to console them. We have not learned to accept our emotions, we do not like to experience sadness, anger and shame, and we want to protect our children from them.

People with high emotional intelligence know how to manage emotions and get rid of them in a timely manner.

It is better not to prohibit yourself from emotions, but to allow yourself deep feelings, listen to your feelings and respond adequately to them. Leslie Greenberg, a psychology professor at York University and author of Emotionally Focused Therapy: Teaching Clients to Deal with Feelings, says the secret is emotional intelligence.

People with high emotional intelligence know how to manage emotions and get rid of them in a timely manner. This is what parents should teach. Three exercises that will help develop emotional intelligence in children.

1. Name and explain the emotion

Help your child describe the situation and the emotions it evokes. Have some sympathy. It is important for children to know that they are understood. Explain that it is normal to have these feelings.

For example, the eldest son took away junior toy. The younger one is hysterical. You can say: “You are crying because your brother took your car away from you. You feel sad about this. If I were you, I would be upset too.”

2. Understand your own feelings

How would you like to respond to your child’s experiences? What does this say about you and your expectations? Your personal reaction to the situation should not become a reaction to the child's feelings. Try to avoid this.

For example, a child is angry. You are also angry and want to yell at him. But don't give in to the impulse. Stop and think about why your child is behaving this way. You can say, “You're angry because mom won't let you touch this. Mom does this because she loves you and doesn’t want you to get hurt.”

Then think about why the attack childish anger made you angry. Do you feel like your child is rejecting you as a parent? Are you annoyed by screaming and noise? Did this remind you of some other situation?

3. Teach your child to express emotions adequately

If he is sad, allow him to cry until the sadness goes away. Perhaps emotions will come in waves several times. If your child is angry, help express the anger in words or physical activity: jump, run, squeeze a pillow. You can say, “I understand that you are angry. This is fine. It's not okay to hit your brother. How can you express anger in any other way?”

Emotional intellect protects against addictions in adulthood

By teaching your child emotional intelligence, you improve his quality of life. He will be sure that his feelings are important, and the ability to express them will help build close friendships, and then romantic relationship, collaborate more effectively with others and focus on tasks. Emotional intelligence will protect him from addictions—unhealthy ways of coping—in adulthood.

Unfortunately, many parents are faced with a situation when one day they notice that their child has become uncontrollable. This can happen at any age: one, three or five years. Sometimes it's hard for parents to cope constant whims child. How to behave with children in such cases and how to influence them? Let's talk about this in more detail.

External manifestations of disobedience

What do uncontrollable children look like? External manifestations can be very different. Children are very inventive in this regard, and each child consciously or unconsciously chooses his own line of behavior. Surely each of you has seen how a child yells for no apparent reason and demands something from his parents, while he does not listen to the arguments of his elders and is not going to calm down. Parents are not always able to calm their child down in such cases, especially if such incidents occur in crowded places. And, as a rule, it is in in public places the child doesn't listen. He tries to grab objects that should not be taken, runs around actively, and does not react in the best way to comments from strangers.

Such situations can develop in different ways. The child may calm down, but after a while repeat the hysteria again. And it also happens that kids behave well in kindergarten and on the playground, but at home they torment all their relatives with their behavior. Why does a child not obey and demonstrate his disobedience to others? Where do unruly children come from?

To answer all these questions, you need to understand the reasons.

Reasons for uncontrollability of children

The reasons for uncontrollability can be very different:

1. Psychophysiological (congenital features in development). In such cases, experts point to the presence of hyperkinetic syndrome in the child, which manifests itself in excessive chaotic and similar pathology. In such situations, parents are in no hurry to consult a doctor, because they do not know that such a condition is not normal and the child needs to be treated.
2. Age crisis The child has. If you begin to notice that your child regularly throws away his toys, does not listen to you, and responds to all comments with hysterics, then most likely the reason for such uncontrollability lies in the age crisis (crisis of one year, three years, six or seven, teenage years). An age crisis in a child is quite normal phenomenon. All normal children go through this stage. Children react to all events in their lives with whims and hysterics, and at an older age a characteristic manifestation is laziness and stubbornness. and develop, they explore the world, discovering a lot of new and unknown things. At such times, parents should give more attention to your children.
3. Unhappy child. Uncontrollable children sometimes demonstrate internal troubles through their behavior. Their cries are signals for help. In this way they are trying to show that they have problems.
4. Misbehavior of parents. Adults who do not have enough teaching experience, create incorrect conditions for raising children. Sometimes parents themselves provoke rebellion in the child or, conversely, encourage his whims. Children, as we know, are not born bad. They behave as their parents allow them to do. Absolutely everything affects the behavior of our children: whether we allow them something or prohibit it, whether we are indifferent to them or attentive. Uncontrollable children, as a rule, are the result of illiterate upbringing by adults who do not have the minimum teaching skills. Such parents do not want to take care of their children and delve into their children's problems.

Hyperactive children

If a child throws tantrums, what should you do? As we have already mentioned, one of the possible reasons The baby may be hyperactive. For children with increased excitability uncontrollability is commonplace. Such kids, even with a great desire, cannot control their behavior. What should parents who are faced with such a problem do?

First, they need to study the behavioral characteristics of a child with increased excitability. You need to understand how these kids differ from others. But this does not mean that your son or daughter should throw tantrums. Disobedience can manifest itself in the active expression of emotions, desires, rapid movement, and sudden changes in activity. The child may not respond to comments or calm down at your request, but not for long. Manifestations can be very different. The main feature of hyperactive children is restlessness, which causes unnecessary trouble for parents, and at the same time keeps the child in constant emotional tension.

Methods to combat hyperactivity

If your child is yelling, you must be as calm and understanding as possible. Always remember that your aggression will generate reciprocal aggression on the part of the baby. You need to learn to be tactful and try to negotiate with your child, no matter how old he is: one year old or ten years old. We, as adults, must be able to restrain our emotions; we can do it. But children don’t know how to do this yet. Remember, if your son sees that you are absolutely calm, then after a while he will calm down too.

Experts recommend introducing it for hyperactive children strict regime day. The fact is that such kids need to constantly do something. Compliance with the regime, long-term night sleep and afternoon rest will significantly reduce nervous tension. The child must clearly understand what he will do in each period of time. Such workload will help reduce the manifestations of uncontrollable behavior, when whims and mischief begin from idleness. Even the smallest child can be assigned some duties that he must perform independently.

Neurologists strongly recommend sending hyperactive children to sports. This method of dealing with the “problem” will help you find useful application for the baby's excess energy. The child must love sports. If he doesn’t like one type, you can switch to another, and so on until the baby finds something he likes. Classes in the section will help not only throw out excess energy, but also relieve aggression, and also learn discipline.

In addition, adults should understand that if there are signs of hyperactivity in your son or daughter, you need to contact specialists such as pediatric neurologist and psychologist. Neurologists will help you figure out whether there are congenital pathologies from the outside nervous system and brain, and a psychologist can find the reasons for uncontrollable behavior.

Parental behavior

Some experts argue that there are no uncontrollable children, there are simply parents who do not know how to cope with their children. Even one child in a family with bad behavior can create big problems for adults.

We sometimes don’t notice how babies grow quickly and gradually begin to fight for attention. They want to assert themselves. As a rule, this can manifest itself in the form of all kinds of protests against excessive guardianship, strict rules behavior or, conversely, indifference of adults. Sometimes parents behave in such a way that their behavior only stimulates their children’s capriciousness and disobedience.

The most common reason for demonstrative and uncontrollable behavior in children is lack of attention from parents. Adults may not be interested in the affairs of their offspring or spend very little time with them, which encourages children to act inappropriately. After all, there is nothing worse for a person than indifference, especially when we're talking about about the kids. They try to attract the attention of adults by any means.

Similar problems arise in those families in which parents are inconsistent in their demands: mom and dad say opposite things, do not keep their promises, etc. In such families, even one child quickly begins to manipulate adults, and two children can turn life into a nightmare. And the parents themselves are to blame for this situation. All adult family members must agree on common tactics for raising children.

How does mom feel?

Sometimes it’s a pity for parents of uncontrollable children. Often, strangers unreasonably allow themselves to express their dissatisfaction with the mother of a young fidget, who cannot cope with the child. Of course, it is very easy to judge someone when you have no reason to do so.

A woman confronted with challenging behavior from her child may react differently. Her reaction depends, first of all, on her psychological characteristics. Some mothers react to stress with quite logical inhibition, and outwardly it may seem to people to be excessive calm and even indifference. Other women, on the contrary, begin to carefully monitor their child. Both options are not very successful.

If a mother is ashamed of her child’s behavior, this is wrong. Of course, she is aware of the problem and tries to influence the situation, looking for reasons in herself. But the child must be treated with love and understanding. Also erroneous is the behavior of those mothers who completely justify the actions of their children, attributing all the blame to teachers, educators, and others. Such a woman can form in a child a very distorted idea of ​​reality.

In any case, people around them should treat mothers of children with problem behavior with understanding.

Crisis 1-2 years

At almost any age, uncontrollable behavior can be managed with the right approach. Uncontrollable child in a year or two is not a reason for severe anxiety. At such a tender age, children can be influenced in any way: distracting them with their favorite toys, sweets, interesting games. The child must be presented with a number of requirements that he must fulfill: collect toys to the best of his ability, eat, sleep. The baby must clearly understand the word “no” and be aware of the prohibition.

Crisis 3-4 years

At 3-4 years old, children make their first attempts to learn independence; they try to do everything themselves. Little explorers climb everywhere in search of something unknown and new. If a child behaves well, he should certainly be praised and encouraged with a smile. But you shouldn’t scold the kids; you need to gently guide them in the right direction.

Crisis 6-7 years

At 6-7 years of age, intensive development occurs cognitive activity child. Children begin to learn, enter a new regime and a huge society. The task of parents is to help the child integrate into new team and learn to live in it. At this age, children receive their first serious communication lessons.

Teenage crisis

At nine years of age and older they begin hormonal changes, which in turn influence the child’s behavior. Students grow and develop quickly, and their interests change. Teenagers need to pay much more attention; it is very important for them to have the support of their parents and to feel their understanding. Children need to be raised to be optimists. Worth finding common hobbies and spend time together. And do not forget that you must be an authority for your son or daughter.

Basic Rules

If you are faced with childish uncontrollable behavior, then you should adhere to the following rules:

1. You must be consistent in your deeds, actions and promises.
2. The child must clearly master the prohibitions.
3. It is necessary to communicate with children on equal terms, respecting them and taking into account their opinions.
4. At any age, a child must follow a daily routine; this will help instill discipline in him.
5. You cannot shout at children or lecture them.
6. The important thing is communication. You need to spend as much time as possible with your children, taking an interest in their affairs and problems.

Instead of an afterword

If you are faced with uncontrollable behavior in your child, then you should think about the reasons for the situation. Attentive parents who devote a lot of time to their baby will be able to normalize behavior. But at the same time, do not forget that you are an example for your child, so try to be a person worthy of emulation.

“Calm, just calm!”, the cheerful and resourceful Carlson controlled any situation... How can you stay in a good mood if a child is constantly capricious, screaming, vomiting, hitting and even fighting? And your arguments that this cannot be done remain unheard and even unnoticed...

Why does this happen? How to teach a child to control his emotions? Through what opportunity will a child be able to master these much-needed skills?

A person is capable of showing emotions from the first minutes of his life. With their help, the baby communicates with the world around him. And through them, the environment, in turn, teaches him to react to events. If the mother was frightened by suddenly loud music, the child, reading the fear on her face, will burst into loud crying, becoming frightened along with her.

If mom's reaction to a sudden loud noise there will be a smile, the child will smile back. In this way, the mother teaches the baby to be upset and happy, to worry and remain calm, to be irritated, surprised, and to have fun.

Children learn to respond to various events in the same way as adults nearby react. In order to learn how to regulate something, it is necessary to clearly understand what exactly we are going to control.

Parents must teach their child to recognize emotions. Most easy way learning a new word means hearing it in context.

So, let's learn to teach:

• When communicating with your child, name your and his emotions.
• Talk about what emotions and feelings are, and how you need to react to them.
• Draw faces with different emotions on paper: joy, sadness, surprise, etc. etc. Draw examples on your face. Invite your child to display them himself. Set up an emotion guessing quiz.
• Play with your child, depicting animal behavior (how an angry wolf growls, a cowardly bunny jumps, a kitten rejoices, etc.).
• Select films where, in your opinion, the characters experience different emotional states. Watch them together, read stories, fairy tales, poems, and analyze the behavior of the characters.

The emotional sphere affects relationships with others. It can be difficult for an adult to become the master of his emotions and learn to manage them. To a small child, whose psyche has not yet been formed, this skill is even more difficult. That is why it is important to teach your child how to express their emotions in an environmentally safe manner.

To begin with, let us accept the statement that there are no bad or good emotions. Emotions can be pleasant or unpleasant. Why? Can something bad bring good?

Fear, for example, can warn of danger. Dissatisfaction and anger force you to change something in life better side, encouraging action, help move towards the goal. After all, it's completely normal to experience a full range of emotions.

Thanks to emotional richness, a person is able to feel the fullness of life with its bright colors, warm, light, and sometimes cold shades. Behavior caused by these emotions is another matter. This is what can be good or bad. Separate emotions from behavior.

The mistake many parents make is that they successfully encourage positive emotions and feelings, but at the same time consider the child’s negative emotional manifestations unacceptable.

Children, wanting to meet their parents' expectations, begin to hide their fear, anger, and anger. Hidden, hidden and accumulated negative emotions usually lead to mental stress and frustration.

There is a pattern: if a child has severe emotional stress, his cognitive need decreases. He is not interested in what is happening around him. To prevent this from happening, it is necessary to give vent to all emotions, to let them go. In order not to harm the baby, strong feelings should not be expressed impulsively.

There are a number soft ways relieve tension, at the same time they will help the child learn to express his emotions:

• Listen to the child. It's much easier to tell adults about your troubles if they actually listen.
• Concentrate your baby's attention on positive emotions, this will help him, in the future, easily find reasons for joy.
• Fix and consolidate a positive “sunny, bright emotion” with the help of pleasant memories.
• Teach your child to manage emotions through games:

1. Imagine yourself as a robot that has just been turned on. Strain your arms and legs as hard as you can. Suddenly the robot is disconnected from the power supply - suddenly relax (at these moments children usually fall to the floor).
2. Allow your child to get angry and hit the pillow.
3. Have a paper snowball fight. They can be made by crumpling up unwanted newspaper.
4. Invite your child to remember fun, interesting moments from life, remembering which he will smile. Then - sad stories. Talk about a change in his condition. Be sure to capture the “bright emotion.”
5. Draw sad, angry, scared, surprised, funny, happy lines with your child.

It happens that a child, as best he can, “blows off steam.” If you have returned home, and on the threshold you are greeted by an exhausted grandmother and your beloved child, pounding the floor with their fists and heels, with a growing desire to continue what they started. The main thing is calm.

Take a piece of paper, a notepad and a pencil. Go down to the child and offer to show on paper how angry he is. Draw a picture of how he feels now. If the child does not respond to such a proposal, start drawing yourself, talking about how you feel.

Remember: in a calm state it is easier for us to control our emotions and feelings.

Help yourself restore the good emotional condition in a matter of minutes you can:

• Close your eyes.
• Take a deep breath and exhale even deeper. Repeat three such breathing cycles.
• Remember the positive moments of your life (don’t remember too much and for a long time, stop at the first one you remember). Concentrate on this memory.
• Move everything positive from your head to your chest.

It's good if your memories are connected with the child. Take time emotional development your baby. It will be great if you both have the experience of living bright, memorable stories, colored with a palette of pleasant, tasty, fiery emotions.

How to teach a child to manage his behavior

Discipline

Most parents will agree that in some cases disciplinary action is required. But which ones? Is the best solution to yell at the child, put him in a corner, or just spank him?

Discipline is a broader concept than just punishment in response to misconduct. Discipline involves teaching children appropriate behavior. Young children cannot manage their behavior and control their internal impulses. They need adult guidance.

Children must obey established rules. They get scared if left to their own devices. Children believe that rules are a form of protection created caring parents. Even if they break some rules, they learn to respect others. This is part of their development cycle.

Discipline techniques include hugs, kisses, praise, explanations, setting rules, and modeling appropriate behavior. The purpose of punishment is to ensure that children strictly follow the orders of their parents. But it alone does not give them the key to how they should behave.

Consider motives

Often parents get angry with their children because of " bad behavior”, but the child rarely intends to do something bad. Unwanted behavior is often a byproduct of their curiosity. Children's thinking is not so developed that they can foresee the consequences of their actions. The main concern of parents is to take precautions to avoid repeating the rash actions of their children.

Accusations Physical punishment ineffective. Of course, parents, pouring out their anger, will relieve their souls, but will not solve educational problems. The child is upset because his parents are upset, but he doesn't know what he did wrong.

Setting the rules

Positive discipline does not simply mean setting rules after a child has done something wrong. It involves instilling in the child a sense of responsibility. The rules must be stated clearly and definitely. The rules must be consistently implemented, that is, you yourself must not break this rule under any circumstances.

Children begin to understand and perceive reasonable arguments. He will follow the rules consciously, and not under duress.

You can safely ignore minor, harmless deviations in his behavior, such as whining or boasting. As soon as the child understands that such behavior will not attract anyone's attention, he will stop doing it.

It is not easy to follow established rules not only for children, but also for parents themselves. But the duty of parents is to make the child such that others love him. A spoiled child always strives to have his own way, and it is difficult for him to find mutual language with people. As a result, he will suffer from a lack of self-respect.

Avoid Conflicts

Parents can anticipate many conflicts and avoid them. If you put fragile items away, there is no need to keep saying, “Don't touch this, put it back.”

Avoid arguing with your child about food. He's already mature enough to have own desires. Pressing him will only increase his resistance.

It is best to praise the child if he has eaten everything, and not be angry with him if he refuses some dish.

If your child is about to do something prohibited, distract him in time.

Logical consequences

The child needs to be taught about the consequences of his bad behavior. If he breaks a cup, they will not give him a new one right away. Naturally, such a strategy is only suitable when breaking the rules cannot lead to an accident.

Positive emotions

Children need hugs, kisses, praise, and positive attitude towards themselves. They struggle to achieve this and need constant attention.

They may even behave badly on purpose just to attract the attention of adults. The message is clear: pay attention. good behavior and ignore the unwanted.

Children need positive emotions, there should be more negative ones. At least 20 times a day, parents should tell their child how well he behaves. Come to

When he is quietly playing with a toy or watching TV, put your hand on his shoulder or kiss him, tell him: “I like the way you play with the blocks.”

It is very important to praise your child often. It’s better to say, “I like that you shared your toy,” than to say, less clearly, “You good boy" Praise develops a child's sense of self-confidence. A self-confident child tolerates comments more easily; he understands that they relate to his behavior and not to him personally.

Parents should monitor their behavior and show their child good example. The child believes that everything the parents do is good.

Time out is a classic example of positive discipline. This great way limit the child’s actions without causing him emotional trauma. It gives the child and parent the opportunity to calm down and avoid deepening the conflict.

https://pandia.ru/text/79/120/images/image007_9.jpg" align="left" width="241" height="241">Discipline is not just blind obedience. To make young children disciplined adults, they need patient and loving teachers.