Shy child

Anna DMITRENKO

Four-year-old Lena timidly huddles at her mother's feet while two children - her friends - play animatedly on the playground. “Well, come over, these are your friends, have you forgotten?” - Mom persuades Lena. She pulls the baby by the hand: “Olechka, Dima, take Lena into the game!” “Come with us!” five-year-old Dima throws over his shoulder and continues to build a hut from twigs. And Lena remains standing on the sidelines, not daring to take part in the common cause.

Why does this happen: some children are lively and active, while others are timid and shy? How to help a shy child become more sociable and relaxed? If you are asking these questions, remember: about a fifth of all parents are looking for answers to them with you.

Natural predisposition

Back in the sixth century BC, Hippocrates identified four personality types, which we later came to call temperaments. In the fifties of the twentieth century, researchers again returned to the study of human qualities that persistently accompany him from early childhood to old age. The most common were restraint and lack of it. Psychologist Derome Kagan describes that reserved children show their temperament from the first day after birth, reacting to everything new with caution and hesitation. Such children tend to retreat or become irritated when encountering unfamiliar phenomena, become frightened by strangers, and seek refuge with their mother. According to research, about 20% of healthy babies are easily excited by an unfamiliar environment and then have difficulty calming down. Most of them subsequently become timid, cautious children.

It is very important for parents to properly raise a shy child, so as not to aggravate his shyness, but rather to smooth it out. Whether your baby grows up unsociable and nervous or calm and observant largely depends on you.

Errors in parenting

Our consultant is child psychologist Galina APOSTOLOVA. The underlying causes of shyness should be sought in early childhood. The feeling of YOURSELF under the age of five is the basis for the formation of the inner world of an adult.

Shyness is primarily associated with low self-esteem, which manifests itself in the fact that the child evaluates his capabilities and abilities lower than they actually are. Psychologists often interpret shyness as “a tendency towards solitude and secrecy due to lack of self-confidence”, “awkwardness in the presence of other people”.

Shy children experience their suffering in silence, not sharing with others, however, their entire appearance says: “I am shy.” Shyness in external behavior is manifested in stiffness and awkwardness of movements, in the closed concentration of the child’s face. At the physiological level - even in increased heart rate and breathing.

The formation of this trait can be facilitated by:
early and therefore painful separation from the mother, which causes excessive sensitivity and dependence of the child on the emotional state of people around him, which, in turn, creates shyness and uncertainty in him;
excessive adherence to principles and strictness of parents, dependence of manifestations of attention and love on the extent to which the expectations of the father and mother are met;
inflated demands and expectations in relation to the child, which are often the cause of his problems in later adult life.

Don't compare your children to others

Three-year-old Vanya walks with his mother on the playground. “Well, go ride down the slide,” his mother pushes him. Vanya hesitantly heads towards the slide, carefully places his foot on the first step and stops, looking around at his mother. “I’ll catch you below, don’t be afraid, look: the kids are not afraid, but you are afraid. What a coward!” - the mother says with annoyance, trying to force her son to climb the stairs. “What a punishment! Why can other children do it, but you can’t!” - she sighs.

If your friend has a choleric tomboy, do not rush to envy: this baby has a different rhythm of development, and his mother has other, no less serious problems with him. Your main task is to believe in your child so strongly and convincingly that the baby believes you and is “infected” with your faith. Then he will become a confident person. After all, it is known: you can achieve something in life only by believing in yourself.

Be patient. Give them time to get used to the new

A week later, shy Lenochka was enthusiastically playing with Olya and Dima.
Her mother was simply tired of trying to involve her daughter in the team and left the child alone. Lena got used to her peers, studied their character, rules of communication, favorite games and, unnoticed by everyone, began to take part in joint games.

To rush a timid child means to put him in a state of psychological pressure, which tender and vulnerable children cannot withstand. The protective mechanisms of the psyche are triggered - children become even more isolated and withdraw into themselves.

Exhortations and lectures do not help

A child’s worries are irrational in nature, because a child himself, up to seven years old, lives in a world of feelings and images, and not common sense. It makes no sense to say “there’s nothing scary here.” You need to make your child feel safe. And what better drives away fear than mother’s affection, mother’s closeness?

Do not press under any circumstances!

Our daughter, a very shy child, was afraid of many things. New people, unfamiliar spacious rooms, loud sounds, theatre, circus clowns, strange apartments. Our appeals to common sense yielded nothing.

For more than a year, our Nadya did not go to the circus or the theater. During this time, she grew up, forgot her previous worries, and her self-confidence noticeably strengthened. Then we went to the puppet theater. The dolls had been Nadya’s friends for a long time, and it simply didn’t occur to her to be afraid of them. Later, we successfully watched a circus performance, where her adored animals performed, and over time, we successfully “withstood” the performance of “live” actors in the children’s theater.

A shy, timid child needs to be given time to get to know each other, take a closer look, and understand the laws that apply in a new situation, be it a group of peers, a new teacher, a new apartment. Only after making sure that nothing threatens him there can he calm down.

Do not shout at children or in the presence of children

At the age of 3.5, Sanya was sent to music lessons. A musical, gentle boy, he loved songs and games to music. But there were several restless boys in the group. They often played around and interfered with our studies. The teacher made comments to them from time to time in a raised voice. Soon Sanya, with tears in his eyes, refused to go to the music. It seemed to him that it was he who was to blame for the teacher’s screaming, that it was him who was the reason she was dissatisfied. Sanya's mother treated this problem with understanding and transferred the baby to another group. She realized: if an impressionable child refuses to go to class, it is not the child who is bad, but his teacher.

Increased demands of parents are dangerous

Pasha is in first grade. His natural shyness, his mother’s excessive demands, and the teacher’s misunderstanding in the class led to the boy beginning to stutter when answering at the blackboard.

According to the observations of experts, it is in families where the leader is a woman that children often grow up shy, weak-willed and lacking initiative. In this case, protective behavioral mechanisms are triggered: unable to withstand harsh and close attention to oneself, due to excessive sensitivity, the child may, for example, constantly smile. A smile doesn't always suit the situation. So it was with Pasha. Under the teacher's gaze, the boy began to smile nervously. The teacher perceived his smile as a mocking grin, punishing him with a bad grade. Mom would “add” me at home for a bad grade. The result is stuttering.

So often, parents have to learn from bitter experience: being too demanding and strict towards children with a refined mental organization leads to the exact opposite effect.
Mom changed her behavior, and her son gradually regained a sense of self-confidence, he got rid of the fear of bad grades and internal constriction, and with them the stuttering went away

Shy children have great creative potential

Personal territory and the opportunity to be alone are especially important to them. Alone with themselves, they do not get bored, but play, adapting and adapting to difficult situations, comprehending and experiencing everything that happened before.

A shy child's fantasy world is very rich. And it is with the help of creativity that you can help your baby become more confident and sociable. Today no one would believe that our daughter was once a painfully timid child. She communicates easily, she has many girlfriends and friends, she is always cheerful and calm. How did this transformation happen? We ended up in a kindergarten, where pressure and coercion were not recognized as a method of education. They developed and raised children there with the help of rhythm and melody, fairy tales and songs, drawings and games. The kids experienced overwhelming feelings in joint creativity. As for imagination and fantasy, Nadyusha had no equal here. She got acquainted with the children, saw that there were many things, such as modeling, drawing, writing fairy tales, that she could do no worse, but better than others. This strengthened her faith in herself, gave her confidence and peace of mind. When visiting unfamiliar children, she began to share her favorite stories with them and taught them “finger” games and songs. Less than half an hour had passed before the children were already playing together the game Nadya had invented.

Nothing brings people together like a common cause, common feelings

For a shy kid, a new team is a big problem. The mother of eight-year-old Ksyusha, who was having a hard time getting used to a new school, decided to help her daughter make reliable friends. If they went to the theater or museum, they always invited one of their daughter’s classmates with them. On birthdays, New Years, Easter and other holidays, they had a cheerful group of children, held competitions, games, and a sweet table. Ksyusha began to feel confident among her classmates, acquired new girlfriends and positive communication experiences.

Positive experiences are the cure for shyness

Is it necessary to protect the baby from the difficulties of life if sooner or later he will encounter them anyway?
Yes, it's inevitable. The only question is whether he will meet them as a self-confident, balanced person, not burdened by complexes, or an intimidated loser, accustomed to his “second-class status.”

There is no need to “put your hands up” at every step; you need to create conditions for the development of independence and self-confidence. It is important for parents to provide their child with a certain freedom, the opportunity to make decisions and solve problems themselves. But it is equally important not to leave him alone with difficulties for which he is not yet ready. Remember: the experience of failures and defeats is grounding, the experience of victories and successes is inspiring. Help your baby!

Articles on similar topics.

Surely you have at least once seen parents literally forcing their child to recite a poem in an unfamiliar company or sing a song to Santa Claus at a New Year's party. And, of course, you couldn’t help but pay attention to the child himself - downtrodden, with frightened little eyes, trying to quickly hide behind someone’s broad back.

Or maybe you yourself make such mistakes in relation to your baby? Yes, yes, by wanting to, you are making a grave mistake, expressed in harsh treatment of someone who, on the contrary, needs affection, understanding and care.

According to scientific research, about 42% of children from 3 to 7 years old are shy. How to liberate a child without causing a blow to his unformed child’s psyche?

Shyness often manifests itself when the parents of such a child receive guests or go to visit their child. When seeing an abundance of unfamiliar or unfamiliar people, the baby develops uncertainty, embarrassment, and a desire to simply evaporate or disappear somewhere. He doesn’t answer adults’ questions, he clings to his mother or just sits in the corner.

A shy child shows himself most clearly in kindergarten, when he is afraid to approach a group of peers, get involved in a game, or ask for a toy.

The fact is that all shy children very keenly notice their shortcomings, and often invent imaginary complexes for themselves. But they, on the contrary, do not notice their merits or do not attach much importance to them. As a result of all this, such children, of course, are sensitive to any criticism, avoid all contacts, considering themselves worse than others. Such children find it difficult to make various kinds of decisions; they lack initiative and cannot defend themselves.

If shyness is not overcome, then it will later result in huge problems in life and complexes, which will be aggravated by the feeling of unrealized opportunities, because they noticed not him, but the one who is more active.

Reasons for Shyness

It has long been proven that shyness has nothing to do with a child’s mental or intellectual abilities. And in general, people are not born shy, they become shy. How? Now we will list the factors that form shyness in a preschool child.

1. Strict family control

If in a family a child is the object of constant control, he usually grows up to be a downtrodden, helpless “quiet one.” If any manifestation of his activity and curiosity is curbed with the phrases: “Don’t touch”, “Don’t go there”, “Don’t do that”, “Sit still” - then, of course, all the beginnings of independence in him are rapidly melting away. The same category includes children from families where parents, in fact, do not care about their child, and the only thing they require of him is to sit quietly and not cause concern to his parents.

In such a situation, it is necessary to pacify your “commander inclinations” and begin to follow the principle: “If you can’t, but really want to, then you can!” Does your child want to draw on the wallpaper? Let him draw, but not on pasted ones, but on an old roll. Does your child want to run through puddles? Let him put it on and go ahead! Think for yourself: if you demand perfect obedience from a child, can you then blame him for lack of initiative, shyness and timidity?

2. Heredity

If parents are uncommunicative, and it is customary in the family to “be afraid of people” and strive to protect themselves and the baby from all the world’s troubles, it is not surprising that the child will grow up to be just as withdrawn. In addition, such parents tend to blame the whole world for being unkind to their child. Of course, in the end the baby will be afraid of everyone and everything! After all, when in winter everyone goes to New Year's shows or rides down the slide, he sits at home, because “in winter, in crowded places, you can catch terrible viruses, and while riding down the slide, you can break your neck.” When everyone rides bicycles and climbs trees in the summer, he walks quietly along the side of the road, “so that he doesn’t get hit by crazy cyclists,” and riding a bike or climbing trees is “very dangerous, because you can break your leg, neck, or arm”! Of course, communication between such children and people will take place at a distance of “at least 5 meters,” as a result of which the child will have absolutely no communication skills. And sitting at home forever or taking leisurely walks will not have the best effect on his physical development.

In this case, parents must overcome themselves and their fear for the “child” - and allow him to ride a bike, go to shows, communicate with children, and bring them to visit. If things get really difficult, valerian will always come to the rescue!

3. Parent activists

The other extreme of parenting is overly active and sociable parents who always have a lot of guests in the house and who easily make new acquaintances. Of course, they simply cannot understand how their child could be different from them. And such parents liberate their child in a very straightforward manner: they enroll in acting classes, a ballet school, and force their friends (of which there can be up to 5 a week) to recite poems, sing and dance at every meeting. And, naturally, activist parents accompany all their body movements with the phrases: “Is it so difficult to say “Hello”???”, “Can’t you ask for a toy and a boy Petya?” etc. Of course, for choleric parents everything is as simple as shelling pears, but for a melancholic child, even just looking into the eyes of a stranger is considered a feat.

In this case, parents should moderate their ambitions and recognize the child’s right to individual character traits. And instead of acting courses, it is better to enroll him in a cutting and sewing, knitting, sports section, etc. If your child has a conflict with his peers, try not to take on the functions of an “arbiter of fate” like: “Now dad will go and sort it out,” but still limit yourself to giving advice to your child on how to resolve this or that situation. In addition, your function as a mediator will be good when you loudly tell your opponent what your baby muttered quietly, without accompanying it with your own comments.

4. Intelligent environment

If your child is a standard illustration of a “bespectacled nerd with a book under his arm” in a jacket “made of natural materials a la the 50s”, and his grandmother is mainly involved in raising him, then it is not surprising that he is shy. Surely, at home he is instilled with a sophisticated culture, the habit of wearing everything “natural and high-quality in a non-staining color,” and not synthetic “parrot outfits.” And in kindergarten or school, when faced with real life, the child begins to be overwhelmed by conflicting feelings: after all, the children around wear synthetic “parrot outfits,” chew “deadly harmful” gum, play computer games that “destroy the brain” - and your child begins to I want the same thing! His internal attitudes come into conflict with his desires - which is incredibly difficult for a small child and provokes a wary attitude towards everything around him!

To make your baby happy, you need to change some of your attitudes. For example, you need to instill in your child that there are many opinions, and not the only correct opinion of his mother or grandmother: “Yes, Petya wears a bright Chinese synthetic T-shirt, and you wear a gray cotton one. Both are good and beautiful.” But still, it is advisable to make sure that the child does not stand out too much from the society of his peers. Therefore, maybe buying something harmful, but so tempting, will not be a tragedy?

5. Experienced stress

It also happens that a child’s shyness is a natural reaction to stress experienced in life: moving and transferring to another kindergarten or school, where the child began to be publicly humiliated, failures in relationships with peers, parental divorce or bullying at school.

You can help such a child only by talking and gradually removing the effects of stress from him. It may be necessary to see a psychologist.

Overcoming Shyness

1. Don’t let anyone and don’t call your child timid or shy. The fact is that in this way you and those around you label your baby: “quiet”, “afraid of people”, “shy” - forcing him to behave accordingly.

2. Tell your child that you yourself were once shy - this will bring you closer and the child will gain confidence that you understand and support him. Tell him about how you overcame shyness, and whether it helped you in your life. Seeing a positive example in front of him, the child will be able to become more self-confident and overcome his own shyness.

3. Show your child that you love him, understand and sympathize with his problems. After all, very often shyness and self-doubt go hand in hand. It is necessary to make the baby more confident - and shyness will begin to disappear before our eyes. Notice any success that is more or less significant, praise him, including to others. Tell him that if the child fails at something, he can always count on your help. If a child makes a mistake, do not scold him under any circumstances, but simply try together to understand the reasons for this mistake and think about what needs to be done to prevent this from happening again. When you see that your baby is afraid of something, tell him that you are also sometimes afraid of the same thing (speaking in public, talking to a stranger) - this will help the baby open up to you and begin to freely discuss his problems with you.

4. Try playing noisy games at home. The goal of this idea should be to liberate the child so that he can let his emotions out. Don't be afraid of your neighbors' anger - let him run, stomp, knock on the walls - but, preferably, not at night! It is important that the child learns to show his emotions, which will greatly help him in games with peers.

5. Practice eye contact with your child. Explain to him that looking into the eyes of your interlocutor is very important, it immediately puts you at ease. First look into each other's eyes, then let him try to establish visual contact with other people. If at first it is very difficult for a child to do this, have him look at the bridge of his interlocutor’s nose. Don't forget to encourage him and show him that you believe in his success.

6. Discuss with your child the beauty of communication so that he understands what he is losing by sitting silently in a corner. Tell him how you achieved something in life thanks to communication, describe to him in vivid colors how interesting it is to meet other people.

7. Play some communication scenes at home, for example, a scene of getting to know each other, starting a conversation, having a conversation. You can attract soft toys with which the child will “speak”, or you can play out communication with each other. The purpose of this idea is to prepare the child for real acquaintance and real conversation with peers.

8. Set goals for your child that he can achieve. But in any case, always assure him that in case of failure you will come to the rescue. You can start a special notebook where your child will mark his “small victories” with an asterisk every day: ask for a watering can in kindergarten, recite a poem to guests, sing a song at a matinee, meet a girl on the playground.

9. Every communication success should be rewarded. Never blame him for being shy - otherwise you will get the opposite effect, but always praise him for his sociability. This could be simple praise, buying ice cream or treating him to candy - anything - the main thing is that the baby knows that his successes are appreciated!

10. Don’t forget about ways to protect yourself from those who don’t really want to make contact. After all, a timid child is always afraid of his defenselessness, if they suddenly start calling him names and laughing at him. Therefore, in his arsenal of protective equipment there should be both a “strong word” and a “strong fist”. Do not forbid him to fight back (of course, with the caveat that being the first to get into a fight, and indeed settling disputes with your fists, is not very good). Teach your child to insert a “strong word” when necessary - that is, in response to insults by someone. No, no one is calling for teaching a five-year-old child to swear, but some humorous phrases will have no worse effect: “Leikin-Barmaleikin”, “Ivanov - no pants”, etc.

And one more blow “below the belt”, which is a good idea to teach a child - this is “bribery”. Don’t think anything criminal - we are just talking about treating children in kindergarten with candy, small gifts to friends or just cute peers in the form of stickers, chewing gum, etc. This will endear the kids to your child, and the “shy” one will feel important and needed.

And remember: shyness, of course, is not a very good quality, especially in the modern world. But this also has its advantages and benefits. Let's look at two situations where shyness is a good helper for a baby!

Imagine, kindergarten, one boy brought an incredible car to the group, just the dream of all children of our time! Of course, everyone surrounded the lucky one - in the timid hope of touching his dream. The timid “shy one” stays on the sidelines, not daring to approach... It seems, at first glance, that he is an unhappy child. But in fact, this is simply the wisest strategic move! While everyone is spinning around one toy for everyone, the rest of the hares, tigers, crocodiles, dolls, cars and even incredible children’s dishes are at the disposal of the “shy” one, and you can play with all of this to your heart’s content!

The second situation is played out in the doctor’s office, who for a good 20 minutes cannot get the little patient to open his mouth and say “ah-ah.” Did you think he was afraid? Not so! A stubborn child will stand his ground until a kind doctor gives him a wooden stick, a piece of an IV, a piece of cotton wool, a plunger from a syringe and... What else do you have of value? Ah, a mirror and stetskpf..., stetaskoff, ugh, listener, here!

And, of course, we should not forget that the look of a shy child, full of timid hope and prayer, will break the heart of even the strictest teacher like Miss Bok! Otherwise, why does Puss in Boots from “Shrek” so excite the hearts of millions? The main thing is that the little sly one does not abuse the use of this “weapon”!

Symptoms of shyness in children of different ages. The main causes and modern ways to solve this problem. The role of parents in the development and treatment of the syndrome. Tips for a child to get rid of shyness.

The content of the article:

Shyness in a child is a state of mental health and his behavior among others, the main characteristics of which are timidity, indecisiveness, shyness, fearfulness and constraint. Most often, it first appears at an early age and gives children such traits as modesty, obedience, and restraint. This is how masks are created, behind which the essence, the true character of the child is almost invisible, and his development in society as an individual is also hampered.

Reasons for the development of shyness in children

It is known that the child’s psyche is not yet a fully formed system. Such imperfection makes the child vulnerable to even the most seemingly trivial situations. As a result, the brain generates the activation of many defensive reactions, including shyness, secrecy and uncertainty.

There are several main causes of shyness in children:

• Genetic predisposition. To date, many scientific studies have proven that heredity is quite often the main and only triggering factor in the development of this condition. The accumulation of various mutations over a series of generations puts every child born in the future at risk. In this case, they speak of almost one hundred percent propensity.
• Natural factors. It is worth mentioning here that each person has a specific type of nervous system. It is believed that it is introverts (secretive and withdrawn) who are most susceptible to developing such a quality as shyness. People with melancholic and phlegmatic types of temperament also form a huge risk group, but their absence also does not exclude the possibility of getting it. Research says that excessive activity in childhood, once stopped, can result in shyness later.
• Social environment. This group includes all sorts of connections between the child and the outside world. Of course, the most important thing is family upbringing. The main problems are increased guardianship or, conversely, distance from the child’s mental problems. Parents are not able to provide moral comfort and support, deciding everything for him or not being interested in him at all. In this case, shyness is formed persistently and can accompany the whole life. It happens that the reason is hidden in relation to peers. Excessive aggressiveness or activity of other children can suppress the desire to communicate with them.
• Adaptation disorder. Every few years in a child’s life, he experiences some kind of adaptive reactions - to crawling, walking, self-care, visiting kindergarten, school and many other institutions. As they arise, positive and negative character traits are formed, which cultivate in the child the ability to resist external influences. If this process does not go well, it can lead to the development of uncertainty, indecisiveness and shyness.
• Somatic pathology. This refers to the presence of diseases of internal organs, the signs of which may distinguish the child from other children. Most often this is the presence of any developmental pathologies, traces of burns, frostbite, wounds that have left marks on the body. Very often this becomes the reason for excessive attention or even teasing. This reaction can also be traced to disabled children. In view of this, in order to limit himself, the baby closes himself off, moves away from others, talks less and prefers to be alone most of the time.
• Miseducation. Parental influence primarily shapes the child as an individual. If there is too much of it, excessive care leads to complete lack of independence and indecisiveness in the future. Also, if maternal care becomes more rigid and demands on children exceed their capabilities, an inferiority complex arises. Such a child withdraws and considers himself not good enough to appear in society.

The main symptoms of shyness in a child

It is necessary to start with the fact that a shy child really suffers. After all, this state guides him in all life situations. He cannot feel comfortable anywhere or with anyone. A constant feeling of uncertainty and cowardice haunts me every day. Unfortunately, many parents, trying to help, only make the situation worse. After all, the first thing they do is decide to remove the child from making decisions and do it themselves. As a result, even more inferiority and uncertainty fall on him.

To know how to help a child overcome shyness, you need to learn several of its signs. Among them:

Note! Very often, the listed signs are not considered alarming and are mistaken for the child’s whims, punishing him for this. As a result of such treatment, the baby’s condition is even more depressed.

How to deal with shyness in a child

To achieve any result, you need to understand that shyness is not just a character trait, but a pathological condition. Only after realizing this can you begin to look for ways to solve this problem. You should look for them immediately, because every day lived with such thinking leads the child to an independent way out of the situation. Often this means leaving home or even attempting suicide. Correcting shyness in children requires an integrated approach involving both themselves and their environment.

Mom and dad are the first and most important advisers in a child’s life. It is from them that he copies most of his behavior patterns, and they also correct his own. It is very important that parents monitor the psycho-emotional state of their children and help them adapt to new stages in life. This is especially necessary if their child experiences difficulties in communicating and realizing himself as an individual.

To know how to overcome shyness in a child, you need to follow these tips:

• Don't scold. Screaming will provoke even greater secrecy and shyness. Children will feel guilty for this behavior and will not come to their parents for advice or help in the future. This will only aggravate the situation and narrow the circle of trust to its complete absence. This behavior will make the child withdraw into himself, and it will be much more difficult to get him out of this state.
• Be interested in personal life. Children in the modern world are little adults. Don't think that there is nothing to talk about with them. These little people contain within themselves a huge inner world of experiences and worries that they cannot yet cope with alone. You need to find the right approach to the child, ask what he is thinking about, why he is doing this or that action, who he is friends with and what he is sad about. It is very important. If you manage to become not only a parent to him, but also a friend, you can save him from the problem yourself.
• Be able to listen. Children need to be noticed. Due to the hustle and bustle of everyday life, there is often not enough time for them. And while we imitate attentiveness, the children show and tell us about all their troubles. But, unfortunately, sooner or later they get tired of doing this. They get offended, withdraw into themselves and will no longer make contact. Therefore, every word spoken by children has its own meaning. You must be able to not only listen to them, but also hear them in order to have time to notice any problems and correct them.
• Support. You need to be able to accept defeats, just like victories. Children do not always know how to do this themselves correctly. Often, after just one failure, they never dare to try something again. Parental duty obliges to explain to the child that he is loved as he is and is not required to be perfect. You need to teach him to slowly and confidently step towards his goal, despite previous defeats.
• Be an example. Children are a reflection of their parents. No one's features will be reflected in them as much as the features of mother in girls and father's in boys. Being overly demanding can lead to feelings of shame. The child will be ashamed of his mistakes and worry that he did not live up to expectations. Therefore, parents, first of all, need to be able to admit their mistakes and show by personal example that this is not scary, but only stimulates further action.
• Encourage. In fact, all children deserve the attention of their parents, and these especially. Among the best ways are going to a cafe, amusement park, or performances. Various comedy performances will help the child learn to perceive himself and not pass off peculiarities as oddities. Spending time in familiar circles has an overall positive effect on children.

Still, it is better to solve the problem from the inside. Overcoming shyness in children is their own responsibility. No matter how hard others try, they must take the most important step themselves. After all, until the child himself begins to change his attitude towards reality, all attempts to help from the outside will be in vain.

To make it easier for him to do this, you can offer the following tips:

1. Sure. Even if fear does not go away, you should always prohibit it from expressing itself in any way externally. To make it easier, you need to straighten your shoulders, lift your chin, and take a deep breath. This will help show others that there is no panic and that opposite them is a completely confident person.
2. Smile. This is a win-win option to gain the trust of your opponent. There is absolutely no need to fake a panicked laugh or a fit of laughter. A slight smile on your face will be enough, which will relax you and will predispose you towards other children in the future.
3. Look into the eyes. This is the most difficult, but most effective remedy. It is believed that a person who is able to keep his gaze on his interlocutor has an advantage over him. Maintaining eye contact also helps to maintain a conversation, and the person himself feels more confident and calm.
4. Actively engage in dialogue. You must not be shy to ask and willingly answer the questions asked. It is best to start with short verbal exchanges, and over time you will be able to join any conversation without difficulty. It is also important to show others your interest in what is happening.
5. Attend various events. Not the easiest task, but it has great significance. After all, in a wide circle, a shy child will initially only be able to listen and gradually join the team. This way, too much attention will not be drawn to him, and he will be able to open up to others on his own. Suitable for children's birthdays and holidays.
6. Finding a hobby. Trying to find yourself is very important. To do this, you can enroll in various clubs on creativity, handicrafts or with a sports bias. In most cases, something you love will soon appear in which you can express yourself and get a lot of pleasure from it. One of the best options is a theater studio. In such a place you can develop a huge number of positive qualities, as well as get rid of shyness, indecision and shyness.
7. Fight your fears. To do this, you need to decide to do what scares you the most, dare to take difficult actions and overcome your fear. This always presents many difficulties and obstacles. But after eliminating at least one fear comes a feeling of pride and joy for yourself.
8. Embrace shyness. Denial of one's own identity ruins the lives of many people. It is easier to deal with problems if you are not afraid of them and accept them. You need to realize your special trait and not be ashamed of it, but transform, change or get rid of it. Once this feeling comes, it will bring relief in the emotional sphere.
9. Get help. Close people exist to help us. Independence is good only where it can destroy the problem. In this case, taking outside advice will be the right decision and will help you quickly adapt to the unknown. Sometimes these are parents, friends, or maybe complete strangers who have found a common language.
10. Workout. In most cases, this approach helps the fastest. Physical exercise not only has a general strengthening effect on the body, but also strengthens the position of such a child among others (especially if it is a boy). New skills and opportunities emerge that you can only admire.

How to overcome shyness in children - watch the video:

Shyness in a child is a problem that occurs quite often and can lead to serious consequences. Much of the responsibility for children with this trait belongs to parents, who should not only be aware of it, but also be able to prevent it. Methods for getting rid of this quality are also quite simple and do not require the use of additional treatment methods if used on time. Therefore, keeping an eye on your children is the most important and useful advice in this case.

Children need to be occupied! You need to spend time on them, invest energy, emotions, knowledge, love. They are like a sponge, absorbing all information, even that which they do not need. In order for a child to grow up to be a good person, universally developed and, in the future, successful, it is necessary to invest in him. Both financial and simply human. Even in childhood, a child's temperament and character are formed. While children are still very young and do not go to kindergarten or school, parents themselves try to raise their children correctly. Develop positive qualities in them, stop bad habits, fight fears and instill faith in their strength and knowledge. There are several tips for parents who are thinking about how to teach their child not to be shy.

Top 6. How to teach a child not to be shy

Top 1. Own example
Top 2. Communication and society
Top 3. Behavior analysis
Top 4. No compulsion
Top 5. Literature and films
Top 6. Initiative in communication

Top 1. Own example.

In order for a child to clearly understand what his parents want from him, what they are explaining to him and what they are inclining him to, his own example is simply necessary. Show your child, using an example, some kind of situation, how to act, how to behave and what to do if the child falls into a stupor. Having acted in a certain way, be sure to decipher your action to the cub, explain and give several arguments for your own behavior.

Top 2. Communication and society.

Modesty, timidity and indecisiveness are very common in the process of growing up. The period of embarrassment can occur at different ages and even several times. The first bells appear from 1 to 2 years, when the baby walks, speaks his first words and, walking with his parents, meets new people. In order to avoid timidity and embarrassment in a child from infancy, it is necessary to introduce him to the adult world as early as possible. Take your baby to meetings, nature, shopping and other activities. As soon as your child can move independently, take him with you to work.

If you have the opportunity to enroll your child in kindergarten, do not neglect this opportunity. A living environment filled with a large number of the same kids has the best effect on children’s development, this is a manifestation of the development of speech abilities, communication skills, the ability to behave in a team and, of course, the fight against embarrassment.

Top 3. Behavior analysis.

If once again the child behaved indecisively, timidly and shyly, after the situation has occurred, be sure to discuss it together, analyze it, and discuss other possible options for its development. Give your child the opportunity to see himself from the outside, show him.

Top 4. No compulsion.

If you can’t help your child cope with shyness, you don’t need to apply any coercion or pressure to him. If during a meeting the baby hides behind his parents, do not push him towards the interlocutor and do not force him to greet or kiss. After all, we cannot understand the experiences and emotions that occur in a child’s heart.

Top 5. Literature and films.

What do children love most? Play, watch cartoons and listen to fairy tales, right? So, with the help of your favorite activities, you can help your child cope with embarrassment. Select the right list of cartoons and fairy tales that will give your child the opportunity to clearly see an example of courage, fearlessness and bravery. Read fairy tales to your kids in which the main characters are the embodiment of determination. Believe me, all children dream of being like their idols and strive to be as positive as them. This means that a correctly chosen plot will be an excellent help in the fight against childhood self-doubt.

Top 6. Initiative in communication.

Surely every parent has encountered the problem of introducing children to each other, for example, on playgrounds. When kids want to play together, but don’t dare take the first step. To teach a child to get to know each other, to show ease in communication and ease in questions, this is the direct responsibility of all fathers and mothers. You need to tell your child a few simple phrases with which he can interest his interlocutor so that the dialogue will definitely take place and your baby will not be ignored.

Greetings, dear readers! Often parents of a shy child 2 — 5 They haven’t seen this as a big problem for years. Still would! Modest shy child– it's comfortable. His tomboyish peers run around like crazy, get into trouble, pull the tails of unfamiliar dogs and use all sorts of other means to keep moms and dads on their toes. And the parents of the shy little one can relax during a walk and meditate on the clouds floating in the sky. They know for sure that their child, clutching his parent’s leg with both hands, will not go anywhere. Even if other children invite him to play, the shy baby will prefer to stay under the cozy wing of a relative.

Other mothers on the playground, lifting their little ones from the highest slide or digging them out of the depths of the sandbox, glance enviously at the calmly sitting baby. But there’s nothing to envy here."Comfortable" the baby actually suffers a lot from her shyness . The little one would also love to run around with other children, but he just doesn’t dare approach them.

Shyness – normal or pathological?

Mild shyness - an absolutely healthy phenomenon during a person’s adaptation to a new situation. And it doesn’t matter at all how old this person is– 3 years, 6 years or 11.

Shyness at the first contact with a stranger or group is quite natural. We, too, may feel a little shy when interacting with strangers. But if there are no problems with communication, the feeling of embarrassment goes away in just a few minutes.

Shyness in small doses it does not harm. Surely you have seen how children, having just met, huddle close to their parents and are reluctant to make contact. But after half an hour– These are close friends, chatting about everything in the world and inventing the most interesting games on the go.

It's a completely different matter– painful isolation. If a daughter or son suffers from pathological shyness, parents may notice how the child literally loses speech when strangers address him, trembles, turns red or pale, and even becomes covered in perspiration. Such a baby is shy not only of strangers, but also of those people he meets every day.

Parents of a shy child are familiar with when a sobbing child has to be literally torn away from you and forcefully shoved into the group. They hear complaints every day that their son or daughter is silent in class and does not complete even basic tasks. And at matinees, while other parents burst with pride, the mothers and fathers of the shy little one blush. After all, their baby is terrified public speaking, stutters and barely audibly mumbles a poem that he recited perfectly at home.

Don't wait for natural timidity to take on pathological forms. If you notice the first signs of unhealthy shyness in your child, immediately begin to fight it. Parents need to know how to overcome a child's shyness - They are quite capable of dealing with this problem on their own. And the article is about how to help your son or daughter , will be a good help in this.

How does shyness affect a child's life and future?

Painful timidity entails many problems. We will list only the most common ones.

Lack of communication with all the ensuing consequences

No matter how hard parents try to compensate their child for the lack of friends, nothing can replace communication with peers. And if communication skills do not develop from childhood, then in the future, instead of a cute, shy baby, you will see a teenager suffering from a whole bunch of complexes.

Psychologists working with difficult children know that many teenagers begin to use alcohol and drugs only because they are influenced by them. are liberated and can communicate with peers on equal terms.

Yes, and you are probably familiar with cases when a quiet, calm teenager, from whom his parents blew away the dust, suddenly changed dramatically. Just yesterday he was from schools I hurried home and spent all evenings at home. And today his father and mother wipe away their tears and complain that their beloved child is in bad company, swears and even comes home drunk. It's especially scary if it's .

Burying talents in the ground

A shy child can be very bright. But shyness does not allow him to show his talents in public. That is why timid children, no matter what artistic abilities they have, never perform solos at matinees. They become more comfortable« third violin» and getting lost in the crowd rather than being the center of attention.

Low academic performance

Even if a student knows the lesson by heart, he cannot clearly answer the teacher’s question at the blackboard. The child will stumble, stutter, confuse words, covering himself with a crimson blush as the class laughs. Next time, he would prefer to say that he didn’t learn the lesson and get a bad grade, rather than go through the shame again in front of his classmates.

Outcast in the team

Remember your golden school years. Many in the class had a downtrodden quiet person, whom hooligan classmates quietly teased or even openly mocked. Anyone who has become the object of ridicule is in a state of constant stress. Studying becomes real torture for him.

It is not surprising that such children look for any excuse to stay at home or start playing truant. school . If something similar happens to you, find out how to properly get out of the situation when .

Difficulties in adult life

Alas, the problems of a shy child do not dissipate over the years, but only get worse. An adult suffering from shyness often cannot get a good job because he is timid during an interview. interferes with building relationships, showing feelings for the person you like, and often becomes the cause of loneliness.

Agree, the prospects are completely unenviable. And if so, under no circumstances let the situation take its course in the hope that“shyness will outgrow” and shyness will resolve by itself. Only your daily support will help the baby overcome shyness and live life to the fullest.

What not to do

Before you know how help To help your child overcome shyness, I will tell you what you should never do, so as not to aggravate the situation.

Do not enroll your child in clubs and sections

Exception - if he himself asks you about it. But there is no need to drag your child to dance or karate against his will. Parents are guided by good intentions. They think that this way the child will communicate more with peers, discover his talents and stop being shy.

But it turns out the other way around. Children, who already find it difficult to communicate with others, become even more inhibited. During classes, it seems to the child that everyone is looking at him and laughing if something doesn’t work out. There can be no talk of any increase in self-esteem in such an environment.

Stop shaming him or, conversely, justifying him.

Even if when strangers appear, the child hides behind your back, do not focus on this. Take his behavior as normal. If you start to tear him off your leg and force him« say hello to uncle» , the child will experience serious stress. Also, you shouldn’t justify your baby’s behavior by explaining to others what he’s like. shy coward. The child will remember your words and perceive them as instructions.

Don't create critical situations

Some people believe that if a child stays with strangers more often, he will have to communicate with them and he will stop being shy. Don't listen to people like that advice . If you leave your child in the care of strangers and walk away, he will perceive it as a tragedy. He is unlikely to become more sociable after such sabotage, but his to you may decrease noticeably.

How to overcome shyness

Encourage communication with others

Don't expect your child to make small talk. It is enough that he greets you when we meet, says"thank you" or "please" . When this stage is completed, move on to the simplest dialogues. And it doesn’t matter that the baby will initially answer questions in monosyllables - he is not silent, and this is already a victory.

Make up stories

Surely the child has a favorite stuffed bunny. Make him the hero of your stories and tell your baby every day how the shy hare got into different situations and learned overcome timidity. Invite your child to come up with his own idea of ​​how the hero acted in certain conditions.

Awaken your emotions

Shy children often hold back their emotions. Your task is to teach your child to show them and not be ashamed. You can just have fun with the little ones - laughter and a good mood are guaranteed.

With older children, you can play games where you need to explain a word or action to other players using gestures and facial expressions. If the child is shy, you start. Carried away by guessing, he will soon want to wish you something.

Invite guests

Naturally, this should not be a noisy company in which it is very easy to get lost. Invite people you know with your baby for tea. It is advisable that the guest be about the same age as your offspring - this way they will quickly find common ground.

Help your child find friends

Heading to the playground? Bring more toys with you. This way you will interest other children and they will come up to you to get to know you and play. If communication with children is not going well, do not sit on a bench with an indifferent look. Start a game with your child that other children can join.

Stop attempts to control your child

Shy children often fall under the influence of children who have leadership qualities. Therefore, no matter how happy you may be that your beloved child finally has a friend, take a closer look at him before encouraging friendship. If you notice that your son or daughter listens to the bossy comrade in everything, tactfully limit their communication. Your child needs a reliable friend, not someone who will push him around like a slave.

Increase children's self-esteem

This does not mean that you will ignore negative manifestations and sing their praises around the clock. However, every desire for independence should be a reason for praise.

Bad behavior should be discussed in a constructive manner. Don't yell at your baby or punish him. Find out why he did what he did and discuss how to handle a similar situation next time.

Read specialized literature

You will find many useful recommendations in the book by practicing psychologist Philip Zimbardo . His book « Shy child» – a real treasure trove for parents of shy children. Taking advantage advice, you will help your child to relax , feel confident and begin to communicate on equal terms with peers.

Another find for parents will be a book by a domestic psychologist Shishova . This is an excellent guide to help overcome childish shyness. Exercises and games from the book « Unenchant the invisible man» intended for children from 5 to 14 years old. With their help, you will be able to develop your child emotionally, reduce anxiety and help you overcome shyness.

Contact a psychologist

If you see that you can’t cope on your own, visit a psychologist. There's no shame in this. The specialist will talk with the child and choose the best option for behavior correction. Some children will benefit from group training, while others need individual work with a psychologist.

As you can see, overcoming shyness and helping your child to relax is not so difficult. Work on this daily, praise your son or daughter for every achievement, and very soon you will see significant results. Or maybe you have already been able to overcome your child’s shyness? Be sure to share your experience in the comments!