Emotional intelligence in preschool age. How to develop emotional intelligence in a child

30.09.2019

Sociable, helpful, optimistic... These are the qualities that make a child, and then an adult, loved and successful. You can achieve these qualities at any age, but it is better to start working on yourself from early childhood, so that correct behavior becomes a habit. Thanks to the development of emotional intelligence, this is not so difficult to achieve.

Emotional intelligence - what is it?

It used to be that developing a high IQ and certain knowledge was enough to achieve success. Today we know that the full set requires emotional intelligence, which consists of:

self confidence
knowledge of one's own strengths and limitations
willingness to take on a challenge
the ability to empathize and collaborate.

People with high emotional intelligence (EQ, Emotional Intelligence Quotient) find it easier to go through life - their social circle is much wider, they are more often invited to cooperate, since they easily resolve conflicts. At school and at work, such people receive more sympathy, easily move up the career ladder and fulfill their dreams. Developed emotional intelligence is the ability to communicate with any person, respect the opinions of others and cope with negative qualities.

How to develop emotional intelligence in children

A child from the age of three should know that he has no right to beat or insult someone, he will achieve his goal without resorting to physical force. Besides fists, swear words or hysteria, there are more effective arguments, for example, calmness and firmness. Treating others with respect and understanding is what is truly needed in any situation. A child learns everything with the help of his environment and, above all, his parents.

Adults must show their children what is good or bad, what they can and cannot afford. The rules of acceptable behavior and communication will have to be repeated several times before the baby learns them. Also, rules are learned by being around peers, but don't demand too much. A child of 2 - 3 years old is not yet able to share toys and get pleasure from it; this understanding comes by the age of five, if, of course, the development of this skill is supported.

You are the example, so be consistent. It is not necessary to clearly formulate what is permitted, just behave as you see fit. When a child screams, say, “I can’t hear you, when you scream, speak calmly,” or while waiting, “we are calmly waiting for our turn.” Watching you, the baby will set rules for himself and follow them.

The day is truly good when it begins with the words “good morning” and the pleasant sounds of “thank you”, “sorry”, “please” are heard all the time. In our fast-moving times, politeness is increasingly becoming a thing of the past and many limit themselves to the notorious “hello.” Teach your child to say magic words as often as possible - respect must be revived. Children who have problems with self-esteem grow up to be the most ruthless.

Treat your child with understanding, value feelings, and do not humiliate him either by word or action. Allow them to make decisions on their own (within reasonable limits) and do not use physical force - a child who feels humiliated will subsequently offend others. Evaluate successes and provide comfort after failure. The development of emotional intelligence is impossible without daily training; the most common situations on the playground and how to resolve them are described below.

Lessons in good behavior

There are situations that present a real parenting problem. Let's consider several circumstances and solutions.

1. Refuses to share the swing

Once on the playground, make it clear that it is for all children. If the situation still arises, direct the baby - “you have already gone for a ride, now let the girl go for a ride, and then you.” Children who learn to take turns using a swing or a bike from a young age easily master the art of compromise.

2. The child does not want to share toys

Is your child jealous of this idea and hides his toys from others? Most children really don't understand why they need to share with someone. Instead of forcing people to change their minds, teach them to exchange. If you are expecting a little guest, hide your favorite toys and leave only those that the child is ready to offer for joint play.

3. The baby wants to be the center of attention

It's good that he is ambitious and doesn't want to sit in the corner, but this behavior can cause problems. Appreciate this character trait, but explain that others also have something to be proud of. If necessary, set the order of speeches: “now we will listen to Anya.” Some teachers use another trick - the child who has the ball in his hands speaks. The ball is passed around the circle and everyone has their say.

4. Condemnation

The development of a child’s emotional intelligence begins, as you already read above, with personal example. Give up the habit of judging people behind their back. If you want to draw attention to a bad action, say this: “throwing a piece of paper anywhere is a bad action.” Point out a person's mistake without affecting his personality.

Sometimes, children say unpleasant words “I don’t like you”, “you’re stupid/fat/ugly” or questions like “why does your aunt have a mustache”. Such statements hurt a person and humiliate him. Explain that you cannot comment on appearance. If your child wants to ask you something, let him ask the question quietly.

Make it clear that everyone is different, and appearance or their mistakes cannot characterize a person as bad or good. Read fairy tales on this topic, for example, “Beauty and the Beast” or “Donkey Skin.”

In addition, it will be good if you start studying the culture and traditions of different peoples together; in-depth knowledge of history will not hurt at all, but on the contrary, will help you better understand people of other nationalities, which is important for building international relations in the future. You will find interesting facts about countries and peoples on our new project just about tourism .

5. The child imposes his opinion

He plays only with those who are ready to obey and insults if a peer does not agree with the rules. Encourage your child to collaborate with others, to be a member of a team rather than a group leader. Demonstrate the benefits that come from working together. Tell stories of people coming together to achieve a common goal. Pay attention to the feelings when his ideas are not interesting to others.

The development of emotional intelligence is a complex and long process. It will take a lot of time and a lot of patience before the young student successfully passes the “exam.” When you reach the top together, you will immediately notice how the world around you has changed - the correct attitude to different situations and the ability to control them will make the life of the child and parents much easier.

John Gottman, Joan DeClaire

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the Vegas-Lex law firm.

Dedicated to the work and memory of Dr. Chaim Ginott

Preface

CHILDREN ARE EXPERIENCED DIFFICULT TIMES CURRENTLY, and so are their parents. Over the past one or two decades, children's lives have undergone enormous changes that have made it more difficult for them to learn human sense skills, placing additional demands on their parents. Parents need to learn more effective ways to teach their children the basics of emotional and social life. And this practical guide is designed to help them with this.

Perhaps emotional education has never been more necessary. Let's look at the statistics. Over the past few decades, the number of murders among teenagers has quadrupled, the number of suicides has tripled, and the number of rapes has doubled. Behind these figures lies the general emotional ill-health of society. A study of a nationwide random sample of more than two thousand American children, as rated by their parents and teachers, first in the mid-1970s and then in the late 1980s, demonstrated a long-term downward trend in basic emotional and social skills. During this time, the indicators decreased by more than forty points. On average, children became more nervous and irritable, more moody and moody, more depressed and lonely, more impulsive and disobedient.

This decline is the result of significant changes that have taken place in our society. New economic realities force parents to work more than previous generations, which means they have less free time to spend with their children than their own parents spent with them. An increasing number of families are living away from their relatives, often in areas where parents of young children are afraid to let them play in the streets, let alone visit their neighbors. Instead of playing with their peers, children spend more and more time in front of the TV or computer screen.

But throughout the long history of human development, children have learned basic emotions and social skills from their parents, relatives, neighbors, and from impromptu play with other children.

Failure to learn the basics of emotional development leads to adverse consequences. Evidence suggests that in girls, the inability to distinguish between feelings of anxiety and hunger leads to disordered eating in the future, and those who do not learn to control their impulses in their early years have a high chance of becoming pregnant in their teens. For boys, impulsivity in the early years can mean an increased risk of entering a path of crime and violence, and for all children, failure to cope with anxiety and depression increases the likelihood of drug or alcohol abuse later in life.

Given the new normal, parents must make the most of the precious moments they can dedicate to their children and make a concerted effort to instill in them key interpersonal skills such as understanding and coping with distressing feelings, impulse control and empathy. In his book, John Gottman offers a scientifically proven and highly practical way for parents to give their children the necessary tools for later life.

Introduction

BEFORE BECOMING A FATHER, I spent almost twenty years studying developmental psychology and studying the emotional lives of children. But it wasn't until 1990, when our daughter Moriah was born, that I began to truly understand the relationship between parents and children.

Like many parents, I could not imagine the intensity of feelings that I would experience for my child. I had no idea how excited I would be when she smiled for the first time, learned to speak, and read a book. I had no idea how much patience and attention she would demand from me every minute and how much I would want to satisfy her need for attention. On the other hand, I was surprised by the feelings of grief, disappointment and vulnerability that I began to experience with the birth of my daughter. I was upset when I couldn't communicate with her. I was disappointed when she behaved badly. Felt vulnerable when I realized how dangerous the world could be. For me, losing my daughter would mean losing everything.

Awareness of my own emotions helped me make a number of discoveries in my professional activities. As a Jew whose parents escaped Austria to avoid becoming victims of the Holocaust, I was close to the theorists who rejected authoritarianism as a way to raise morally healthy children. I believed that the family should be democratic and that children and parents should act as reasonable and equal partners, and my years of research into family dynamics showed that the biggest influence on children's long-term well-being was emotional interactions between parents and children.

Surprisingly, but O Much of today's popular parenting advice ignores the world of emotions. They rely on educational theories, where more attention is paid to misconduct and the feelings that serve as their motivating cause are ignored. However, the ultimate goal of raising children is not to raise an obedient and compliant child. Most parents want much more for their children: to raise moral and responsible people who contribute to society, are strong enough to make their own choices, use their talents, love life and the pleasures it offers, have friends, conclude successful marriages become good parents themselves.

In the course of my research, I discovered that love alone is not enough for this. It turns out that the secret to parenting lies in how parents communicate with their children during emotional moments. Unfortunately, it often happens that the attitude of loving and caring parents towards emotions (their own and their children’s) gets in the way of communicating with the child when he is afraid, or angry, or very sad. This disadvantage can be eliminate by acquiring basic emotional education skills.

I studied families in detail through carefully designed laboratory experiments and observed the subsequent development of children. After ten years of research, I discovered a group of parents whose children developed better than others. It turned out that when these children experienced strong emotions, their parents did five very simple things that I called “emotional education.”

Growing up, children whose parents engaged in emotional education became what Daniel Goleman calls “emotionally intelligent” people. They were able to better manage their emotions, calm themselves down faster when they were upset, and their heart rates returned to normal sooner. Due to the higher efficiency of physiological reactions responsible for calming, they suffered less from infectious diseases. They had a pronounced ability for higher concentration. They had better relationships with other children, even in difficult social situations during adolescence, when excessive emotionality is a significant obstacle (for example, when they are teased). They understood people better, they had more friends, they did better at school. In other words, they developed a kind of IQ in relation to people and the world of feelings, or emotional intelligence. This book will teach you five steps to help you develop your child's emotional intelligence.

Irina Sonina
Emotional intelligence and life success. Development of emotional intelligence in preschoolers

Emotional intelligence and life success.

Development of emotional intelligence in preschool children.

Our whole life is a continuous stream of stress, events, conversations, conflicts, disappointments and impressions. We experience something every minute. But understanding the nature of these experiences can be difficult even for adults, let alone children. That is why it is important to teach a child to deal with his emotions in time: not to suppress them, but to be friends with them. When emotions are not enemies, but friends, they begin to help in achieving the goal. It is important for adults to remember that success does not always equal happiness. Everything I “need” but “don’t want” affects my health. At the end of school, 82% of children want to study well and only 36% enjoy learning.

Emotions “are the central link” of the mental life of a person, and above all a child. / L. Vygotsky / The emotional development of preschool children is one of the most important areas of a teacher’s professional activity. The concept of “emotional intelligence (EQ)” is not new in pedagogy. Many scientists wrote about this, but used different terms. In addition, there are a number of qualities interrelated with emotional intelligence, including empathy, which initially means the process of emotional penetration into the state of another person.

The term “emotional intelligence” was first used in 1990 by J. Meyer and P. Salovey.

4.6 Targets... in infancy and early age: The child is interested in surrounding objects and actively acts with them; emotionally involved in activities with toys and other objects...

4.6 Targets at the stage of completion of preschool education: The child has a positive attitude towards the world, towards different types of work, other people and himself, has a sense of self-esteem; actively interacts with peers and adults, participates in joint games. Able to negotiate, take into account the interests and feelings of others, empathize with failures and rejoice in the successes of others, adequately expresses his feelings, including a sense of self-confidence, tries to resolve conflicts

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand your emotions and feelings, manage them so as not only to interact harmoniously with others, but also to achieve your goals.

Of course, a small child cannot control emotions, because first of all he must find out what it is. He must understand why he is sad now, why he laughs or, for example, gets angry. Emotions are also knowledge gained through experience and explanations from adults. Emotions can be different - pleasant and not so pleasant. A child should not be afraid of negative emotions that cause negative feelings in him. All emotions are important and necessary for the moral development of every person, but explaining this at a tender age, when a child is just looking at the world without knowing its laws, is indeed a difficult task.

There are several classifications of emotions. One of them, the most convenient for practical purposes, in my opinion, is K. Izard’s classification, which is based on fundamental emotions: interest, joy, surprise, grief, anger, disgust, contempt, fear, shame, guilt. Other emotions, according to this theory, are derivative.

According to the latest research, a person’s success depends on IQ by 20 percent, and on emotional development by almost 80 percent.

How does emotional upbringing of a child differ from ordinary upbringing? By observing and analyzing in detail the words, actions and emotional reactions of the families, a truly remarkable contrast was revealed. Children whose parents consistently used emotional education had better health and higher academic performance. They had better relationships with friends, had fewer behavior problems, and were less prone to violence. Children who had experience with emotional guidance had better emotional health and experienced fewer negative and more positive feelings.

There is another result: when mothers and fathers used emotional parenting techniques, their children recovered faster. They felt sad, angry, or afraid when they found themselves in a difficult situation, but quickly calmed themselves down, bounced back, and continued to be productive. In other words, these children had higher emotional intelligence.

Another surprising discovery that came out of the research involved fathers. The results showed that when fathers practice emotional parenting, they have an extremely positive impact on the development of their children's emotional intelligence. When fathers understand their children's feelings and try to help them solve problems, children do better in school and have better relationships with others. Conversely, emotionally distant fathers who are harsh, critical, and emotionally dismissive have a profoundly negative impact on children. On average, such children study worse, quarrel more with friends and get sick more. (This emphasis on fathers does not mean that mothers do not influence emotional intelligence. Her interactions with children play an important role. However, we have found that fathers' influence is much stronger, be it good or bad.)

Finally, emotional education does not mean a lack of discipline. In fact, when parents are emotionally close to their children, they invest more in them, which means they can have a greater influence on them. The position allows you to be strict. If parents see that their children are making mistakes or do not want to do some work, they can reprimand them. They are not afraid to set boundaries. They are not afraid to say that their children have disappointed them when they know that they can do better. And since there is an emotional connection between parents and children in such families, children listen to words, they are interested in the opinions of their parents and do not want to cause discontent. Thus, emotional education helps to motivate and manage children.

The formation of emotional intelligence is influenced by the development of such personal qualities as emotional stability, a positive attitude towards oneself, an internal locus of control (the willingness to see the cause of events in oneself, and not in the surrounding people and random factors) and empathy (the ability to empathize). Thus, emotional intelligence includes:

self-awareness,

impulse control,

confidence,

self-motivation,

optimism,

communication skills,

the ability to effectively build relationships with other people.

What each of us gets as a result of developing emotional intelligence:

1. Understanding and awareness of emotions frees us from fears and prejudices, so it is easier for us to think outside the box and make decisions easier.

2 Having high emotional intelligence, we are able to lead because we inspire people with trust, reliability, and inspiration.

3. We have a lot of energy due to emotional harmony.

It turns out that improving a child’s logical thinking and outlook is not the key to his future success in life. It is much more important that the child master the abilities of emotional intelligence, namely:

The ability to control your feelings so that they do not “overflow”;

The ability to consciously influence your emotions;

The ability to identify your feelings and accept them as they are (recognize them);

The ability to use your emotions for the benefit of yourself and others;

The ability to communicate effectively with other people and find common ground with them;

The ability to recognize and acknowledge the feelings of others, to imagine oneself in the place of another person, to sympathize with him.

The development of a child’s emotional sphere contributes to the process of human socialization and the formation of relationships in adult and child communities.

A low level of emotional intelligence can lead to the consolidation of a complex of qualities called Alexithymia - Difficulty in recognizing and determining one’s own emotions - increases the risk of psychosomatic diseases in children and adults. Thus, the ability to understand one’s own feelings and manage them is a personal factor that strengthens the child’s psychological and somatic health.

Comfortable organization of routine moments;

Optimization of motor activity through the organization of physical education and health activities (physical education classes, sports games, etc.);

Game therapy (role-playing, communication, etc.);

Art therapy (drawing, rhythmoplasty, dance);

Image-based activities, dramatization games, fairytale therapy;

Psycho-gymnastics (studies, facial expressions, pantomime);

Body-oriented methods, psychomuscular training;

Tasks aimed at organizing joint activities and theatrical games, writing stories, etc.;

use of visual aids (photos, drawings, diagrams, etc.);

Children with developed emotional intelligence:

Have higher self-esteem

Confident

Quickly adapt to new circumstances

Are ready to follow the accepted rules of behavior in society and at the same time have their own opinions, which they are ready to defend

Read a lot and study with interest

Establish contact with peers and adults faster

Able to resolve conflicts and find a way out of difficult situations

EQ development techniques for adults and children

Box of emotions

Jar of happiness

Language of emotions

How do I feel today

Emotional photo album - a journey

Emotions in colors

Compass of emotions

Children are more receptive to everything new, their psyche is like plasticine - flexible and ingenuous. But what will be molded from this plasticine often depends only on the adults.

So let's start with ourselves!

References:

John Gottman, Joan Decler

Child's Emotional Intelligence A Practical Guide for Parents

Victoria Shimanskaya. Monsiki

“What, you still haven’t chosen an early childhood development school?” – the mother of a one-year-old baby who is just learning to walk without support asks me. In her eyes one can read condemnation and concern for the child who received such a negligent parent. Indeed, in recent years, the idea has become firmly entrenched in our heads that a person cannot achieve success in life without the early development of mental abilities. Moreover, any deviations from this opinion are equated to indifference and lack of care for the baby. Of course, the intellectual development of a child is very important, but if you think about it, everyone wants their baby to be, above all, happy. So that you don’t go into hysterics, so that you don’t be afraid in vain, so that you are sensitive and attentive to other people. Can this be taught?

It turns out that this is what is called the now fashionable word “emotional intelligence”

For a long time, our education was entirely focused on the development of intelligence. People tend to extol intelligence and admire the Thinking Man. Only relatively recently the world of feelings, unreasonably pushed into the far corner of human life, again became the object of close attention and study.

Each of us is the owner of not only IQ - rational intelligence, but also EQ - emotional intelligence

« Emotional intelligence is the perception, understanding, management and awareness of emotions for effective and harmonious interaction with the outside world,” defines the psychologist, a leading Russian expert on the development of emotional intelligence,

Developed emotional intelligence gives us the ability to understand ourselves and others, the ability to wisely lead people or follow others without losing our own “I,” accept and give love, respect the feelings of other people and develop our own talents.

In fact, both intelligences are not opposing concepts, but closely intertwined components of personality: EQ motivates and fuels the rational intelligence, and IQ controls and guides the emotional.

A person cannot exist in a vacuum filled only with thoughts. We all swim in a raging ocean of feelings and emotions, both our own and those around us. This ocean cannot be ignored, it cannot be bypassed, but its power can be directed in the direction we need and lead our lives to harmony with ourselves and those people who surround us.

What about the kids?

Research shows that emotional intelligence begins to develop while the baby is in the womb, and after the baby is born it begins to develop in full swing. At the very beginning of life, all we can do for a child is to satisfy his needs for understanding and protection. These actions are already steps in the formation of his EQ.

When the baby grows up, our actions become more complicated: we need to let our child understand what feelings are and why they lead to certain reactions. For example, a baby refuses to go to kindergarten in the morning, he screams, cries, and does not allow himself to be dressed. And how at this moment we want to shout back, use force and force us to do what we need to do. But will it be right? It may be better to try to understand the reason for the tears, which most likely lies in the reluctance to part with mom and dad. Calmness and confidence will help - and this is the key point -explain to your child why he is upset, make it clear that you share his feelings, and also assure that the separation will not be long, and when you meet, you will all hug together, lie on the couch or go to the park, but in the meantime he has the opportunity to draw a beautiful picture that you will hang on the wall.

By understanding the true cause of children's emotions, we can help the little person get to know himself better and give him instructions on how to act in such situations.

No one is born with full self-awareness and an understanding of what motivates other people. This is learned, and mainly from the example of parents.

It turns out that, having decided to develop the emotional intelligence of a child, we begin to simultaneously develop this intelligence in ourselves. Both the baby and the adult learn from each other, learn about the emotions and feelings of the other person. For example, you are sad or even angry after a day of work. A child, seeing an upset parent, is lost, not understanding what is happening, he may begin to be capricious or whine. Try to understand his feelings, put the child on your lap or sit down so that he can look you in the eyes, tell him what a difficult day you had, that you didn’t succeed in something at work, that’s why you are sad or angry. This will not only teach your child something new, but will also strengthen your emotional connection.

In addition to these simple tips, which are essentially aimed at establishing trusting relationships, there are several simple games and exercises that will help develop emotional intelligence.

5 games to develop emotional intelligence

Getting to Know Emotions(for children 1-3 years old)

Prepare cards with emoticons depicted on them with various emotions, the simplest ones. Show one card at a time and ask to name the emotion if the baby can speak. If he doesn’t name it himself, you say what this or that emotion is called. Let your child look at the picture carefully and remember it. Repeat this exercise to help your child distinguish between emotions from early childhood; in the future, this will help him better understand himself and others.

Artists (for children over 2 years old)

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Fairy tale (for children 1-3 years old)

Read a fairy tale to your child, for example, “Kolobok” or “Teremok”. Ask him questions about the emotions of the characters: “What do you think the grandfather and woman felt when Kolobok rolled into the forest?”, “How was Kolobok in the forest - fun or scary?”, “What kind of mouse did he become when he found a house in the forest?” and began to live in it?” etc. Look at the pictures in the book together and discuss how the characters in fairy tales are depicted.

Situation (For children from 3 years old)

Invite your child to depict an emotion in a specific situation, for example: imagine that Vova took your toy away. The baby portrays an emotion, and you guess by naming it. Then switch roles - let him try to guess your emotion by your facial expression. Remember that you need to show emotions, both negative and positive. We introduce children to the world of various emotions and teach them to accept any of them, even the most negative ones.

"Box with Character"(For children from 3 years old)

In addition to the simplest games with available materials, there are sets developed by psychologists and teachers that will appeal not only to kids, but also to parents. For example, play set from Bimbasket "Box with character" aimed at developing not only emotional intelligence, outlook, fine motor skills, but also the development of taste, sense of humor, and communication skills.

All these simple techniques for communicating with a child and playing games are not, in fact, serious training of emotional intelligence. not only the little person, but also your own. What could be better than learning together during daily communication or during play?

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First, let's understand what emotional intelligence is.

Emotional intellect- this is a person’s ability to recognize the emotions and feelings of other people, his own, as well as the ability to manage his emotions and the emotions of other people in order to solve practical problems.

Emotional intelligence is very important for a happy, conscious and fulfilling life of any person, both small and adult. It is also very important for the ability to build reliable and stable, harmonious relationships with other people.

If your child learns to understand his feelings and emotions, if he can manage them (and not vice versa), and if he understands the feelings and emotions of other people, then it will be very easy for him to interact with others, he will be able to manage the events of his life in the future, he will have much more opportunities to realize his plans and dreams.

How to teach your child emotional intelligence

1. Regulate your own emotions. Set a good example

When a child is at the mercy of feelings and emotions, even the most reasonable parents often begin to lose their temper, instead of helping the child better understand what is happening to him now. Please remember: when a child is overwhelmed by strong emotions, he needs your support and help so that he learns to better understand himself and manage his conditions. They need to feel a strong, calm, confident parent nearby.

Children won't always do what you tell them. But they will always do what you do. Children learn to manage their emotions from us adults. When we remain calm in difficult emotional situations with a child, he receives a signal from us that nothing bad is happening, everything is under control. At this moment, you can imagine yourself as a large, deep clay vessel, which is now capable of containing any childish emotions.

Our calmness during childhood emotional storms teaches children how to manage their feelings and calm themselves.

Many of us cope quite well with our feelings and emotions when it comes to various situations outside the home (public places, work, relationships with friends). But as soon as it comes to a child, we very quickly lose our temper and lose control over our emotions: we shout, swear, blame, slam doors, threaten, sometimes use physical force... It is important to understand that all this does not teach the child anything good. On the contrary, we will thus set a bad example for him.

It is very important to remain calm and balanced in your relationship with your child, because you are constantly setting an example for your child of what can and cannot be done in a relationship with another person.

Accusations, screaming, threats and punishments will not bring you the results you need. It may be easier for you because you have “let off some steam,” but the child will not learn anything in such a situation. He needs understandable (and small children need multiple) clear boundaries of what is permitted, which is supported by all adults living with the child, consistent behavior on your part, calmness, respect and necessarily empathy.

"My dear. I know it's hard for you to finish this game now, but you can play it tomorrow. Now we need to say goodbye to the toys, like this: “Goodbye toys, see you tomorrow.” I understand that you are upset and that you want more, but now it’s time to go to bed. We need to still have time to read, right? What will we read today? Let's go and choose."

“Son, you know we have a rule at home: No jumping on the couch. Jumping breaks the sofa. If it breaks, we'll have to throw it away, but we love it very much. I see that you really want to jump. Let's put the cushions from the sofa on the floor and you can jump on them. Let's do this together, help me. Don't jump on the couch anymore, please. You can put the sofa cushions on the floor yourself next time.”

2. Allow your child to show any emotions. Limit only his unwanted actions

Of course, it is necessary to limit the child in certain actions that could harm him, the people around him, or some things. For example, a child cannot cross the road without holding your hand, he cannot throw food on the floor, push his sister, play with glass or sharp objects, etc. In any situation in which your child's behavior is unacceptable, provide an explanation, set a limit, and offer an alternative if possible.

Limit your child’s actions, but at the same time allow him to express his feelings and emotions in connection with the imposed ban (disappointment, annoyance, resentment, anger, dissatisfaction).

Children need to show us how they feel and it is important for them that we see and hear it. Instead of sending your child “to his room to calm down” (thus leaving the child alone with these strong and frightening emotions), hold him close to you, stay close, tell him in a soft and confident voice: “I understand that you are very angry and upset now, this is normal, I understand you. Everything will be fine, you’ll see, you can handle it.”.

When the hurricane of emotions passes and the child calms down, he will feel deeper emotional contact with you, because you supported him and helped him survive this internal “tornado” at a difficult moment.

Your task is to help him calm down. But when the child has already calmed down with your help, then the time comes to explain to him that, for example, there is no need to say rude words, because it is very offensive. Instead, you can say “I’m terribly angry with you” and, for example, stomp your feet (I talk in detail about how to help a child cope with anger in the webinar.)

Explain the rules to your child and teach him for the future after he calms down, and not during his emotional storm.

With your help, he will learn to cope with his strong feelings faster and will not feel rejected and lonely. Accepting a child’s feelings and supporting him in difficult times is the first step towards him learning to manage his feelings himself.

3. Try to figure out what feelings and needs are the cause of the child’s unwanted behavior

All children want a warm and good relationship with their parents. Without exception. They want to be good in our eyes and feel our approval. What we call "misbehavior" occurs because of strong feelings and emotions that the child is unable to cope with, and also because some of the child's important needs are not being met.

If you do not pay attention to what is actually behind your child’s unwanted behavior, then his behavior may become simply unbearable over time.

Example 1:

The child “behaves badly” - he is capricious in the morning before kindergarten.

The real reason for this behavior is that the child does not want to part with his mother.

Instead of scolding your child for his whims, threatening or raising your voice, show that you understand the real reason for his behavior:

“I understand that you don’t want to part with your mother at all this morning. There are a lot of good things in kindergarten, but you still miss me. Let me pick you up early from kindergarten today, and hug you like this... and then tickle you like this... and then kiss you like this... And then we’ll come home and play something together. Agreed?"

Example 2:

The child “behaves badly” - he is stubborn, does not want to listen to your explanations, wants to do everything himself, although so far he is not very good at it.

The real reason for this behavior is the desire to feel significant and important.

Instead of telling your child that he “won’t be able to do anything” without your help and scolding him for wanting to do everything himself, say:

“I understand that you want to do all this yourself. Amazing. It’s very good that you want to try to do everything yourself. If you need my help, just call me, I will be happy to help you.”

Example 3:

The child “behaves badly” in the morning, is not in the mood, .

The real reason for this behavior is that he went to bed very late in the evening and did not get enough sleep.

Instead of scolding your child for “whining early in the morning,” say:

“You’re in such a mood, my dear, because you went to bed late yesterday and didn’t get enough sleep today. I think we should try to go to bed earlier in the evenings. In the meantime, let’s just lie around together and I’ll read you an interesting book.”

To be continued…

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Thank you, very good advice. This is exactly how I try to behave with my children

2016-05-03 08:23:16

Your message...

2016-05-02 14:53:52

Ekaterina, good afternoon! What should you do if a child (9-year-old son) has a severe hysterical attack (tears, screaming, face distorted with a grimace), but very short-lived? Leaves quickly. But at the moment when this happens, my attempts to calm down are rejected, he doesn’t let me in, and he can even threaten me with his fist. He himself is very calm and shy, but at such moments even the presence of strangers does not stop him. For example, an incident at a music school: the teacher invited him to participate in a concert, so as soon as he left the office, he exploded with violent emotions and shouted (no concerts! etc.). Fear of going out in public. Or in an amusement park I went on one ride like a roller coaster, but much less. My daughter is 6 years old and she liked it, but he got scared, and as soon as we stopped, he burst into hysterics, screaming like “This is the worst ride in my life!” etc. I talk to him calmly, reassure him, but he brushes me off. It only helps to quickly distract, for example, with another attraction. I understand that he was scared, but such a violent reaction is discouraging... Switching attention works, but at that age you want the release of emotions to occur in a more controlled manner. Thank you in advance.

Marina Balashova

2016-05-05 13:06:26

Ekaterina, thank you very much for everything you do for us, for the parents! Very useful information, as always, everything I read and hear from you. Usually I then share the information with my husband or let him listen, we discuss it, and then we help each other put your recommendations into practice. I think how lucky we are that we once found you) Thank God! You always read and see yourself and your relationship with your child, you understand your mistakes, because... you begin to clearly understand his feelings, experiences and, finally, the child’s expectations from me, from the parent. I agree with everything in the article, because after listening to your webinars for a long time and applying your advice in practice, I see results in our relationships with children, they have become deeper, more trusting, truly kind, with much less hysterical behavior, aggression, accusations, and insults. The eldest, and now the youngest, began to share some of their innermost secrets, inner experiences - usually in the evening before going to bed, they tell something in private and ask for advice: what would you do? We go to an Orthodox church and your recommendations for education are ideally in tune with the advice of our priest, he also says that children need our parental attention, absolute acceptance and love, regardless of their behavior, and also that we, parents, often we want to manage and command children, to “build” them (all from our lust for power, some kind of complexes), but in this way you can’t build anything, children only become disappointed and move away from us. I wish all of us to be kind, reasonable parents - to the joy of our children!

2016-05-04 12:39:34

Ekaterina, thanks for the article! the main thing is to learn to cope with your emotions, because they immediately “cloud the brain” as soon as the child becomes very capricious. And there is not enough calm and endurance. It turns out to be a contradiction - we teach the child - don’t hit anyone, don’t scream, but we ourselves are the first to do it - we hit the baby when he screams, instead of understanding him and yelling obscenities at him, it’s clear that we’ll yell, but we let off steam, but he didn’t ... Lord, help me cope with myself! I am always amazed at how mothers of adopted children cope with them, but we cannot with our own, relatives, loved ones, long-awaited ones... These are the emotions of remorse after your articles. Lord, give me peace and endurance!

Victoria

2016-05-03 19:03:23

Ekaterina, please tell me what to do if the child cannot calm down, but makes himself even more emotional. The situation is this: my son (4 years and 8 months) says in a whining voice: “Mom, my mood is spoiling, calm me down.” I try to cheer him up, tickle him. He starts laughing. After 5 minutes he begins to whine and whine and again asks to calm down. Tickling doesn't help. Let's go to the bedroom to hug. We sit for about 10 minutes, calms down, laughs. As soon as we leave the bedroom, the same thing starts again. I'm starting to get angry because time is passing and I really can't do anything, and my youngest daughter is also starting to demand attention to herself. And this continues until I begin to growl and warn that I am already very angry, since we are wasting time, and he does not want to calm down and is driving himself. Then my son starts to cry, I start to swear, then we sit down again in the bedroom and calm down for another 15 minutes, and only then does he finally calm down and turn his attention to the game. I am already without strength and energy, and I have neither the desire nor the time to play with the children. What can be done in this situation to avoid this?