The child does not talk in kindergarten what to do. Why doesn't my child communicate with anyone in kindergarten? Sources of neurotic reactions

Childhood is a time of discovery, meeting an unknown world and new people. But some kids prefer to sit in front of the TV or to hang out with friends. When they go out for a walk, they take their mothers away from playgrounds and sandboxes. And in kindergarten Such children do not play, but stand on the sidelines. Why is my child not friends with anyone and how can I help him socialize?

Socialization impairment – ​​when should you worry?

Absence social contacts in children is bound to alarm any parent. However, individual moms and dads are comfortable with a single child because it is convenient. All the time in sight, and does not disappear with friends from whom he can gain bad habits. Busy with household chores and not on the phone. Does not bring home noisy peers, after which a migraine attack begins. It happens that adults themselves unwittingly isolate the baby due to constant anxiety and fears. Is this good? Of course not!

Reluctance to interact with your environment – alarm bell. It is no secret that future life depends on the ability to communicate with peers: personal and professional success, achieving career heights. By what signs you can guess that your child is lonely and has serious problems with communication?

Note to moms!

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• The child constantly complains that the kids in kindergarten or school don’t want to play with him, be friends with him and even laugh at him. By the way, you will not hear such confessions from shy and introverted children.
• It is worth taking a closer look at behavior on the playground. The baby can run, swing on a swing, build a sand castle, but at the same time he does not interact with other children or, on the contrary, creates numerous conflicts.
• A kind of isolation is especially noticeable in a group or class where children spend most of the day together. Take a closer look at who your child communicates with, whether he asks someone for help. At matinees, note how active he is, whether his classmates choose him as a couple for dances and competitions.
• The little unsociable person is not eager to talk about his kindergarten friends; you have to literally pull this information out of him. He does not suffer from a lack of friends, is extremely reluctant to go outside, and likes to stay home on weekends and play alone.
• The child is very reluctant to go to kindergarten or school, trying to find any loophole so as not to attend them. He returns from school/kindergarten upset and nervous. He answers any questions evasively: “I don’t want to talk about kindergarten”.
• Birthday turns into a really sad holiday without classmates. By the way, they also don’t want to see him at their own celebration.

Of course, there are children who do not particularly need company - for example, introverts or so-called child prodigies. They are self-sufficient and perceive any interference in relationships with peers with hostility. And yet, if you noted alarms who indicate serious difficulties in communication, take all necessary measures for better socialization of the child.

When trying to improve your child’s relationships with peers, be extremely tactful: do not force him to be friends with someone, do not force him to communicate with other children. Remember, careless interference in your personal living space can lead to undesirable consequences.

Child's age: 4 years. 5 months.

The child does not talk to teachers in kindergarten

My daughter (4 years 5 months) goes to kindergarten. The problem is that she categorically refuses to talk to the teachers there. When I ask her why this is so, she says that she doesn’t want to talk there and that’s all. It’s the same situation with other adults, until you get used to it.

The psychologist says there’s no need to insist, she’ll talk on her own, but it’s already been two years since we’ve been going to kindergarten, and there’s been no progress. The other day there was another meeting at which they said that they could not conduct classes with their daughter, because she is silent and does not answer, sometimes she only whispers. From which one of the teachers concluded that my child does not know anything, that most likely she should be transferred to junior group. But we study at home, she says and does everything correctly. We go to developmental classes taught by the school psychologist, but she thinks that the child is just shy. During classes he answers in a whisper.
We saw a psychologist. After testing, she said that the girl was developed for her age, was not withdrawn, and was good at making contact. As soon as I come for her to the garden, she turns from a quiet child into an active one. At home he sings and dances, recites poetry, does mathematics, and so on. Outside of kindergarten she is completely different, she easily meets kids on the street, and is very active. I can't understand what the problem is.
Tell me what to do and how to help the girl cross this barrier?

Anna

Good afternoon

Such changes in a child’s behavior - from shyness to activity - are associated with his attitude towards adults. With those who make the child feel comfortable and safe, the girl behaves quite confidently and openly. And vice versa - the more difficult it is to interact with an adult, the more uncomfortable the child feels.
It is also possible that the difficulty that arose is due to the fact that the child had difficulty adapting to learning in kindergarten. Such manifestations as “silent, does not respond” indicate not so much the presence of shyness or anxiety in the child, but characterize the child’s method of defense. The most optimal solution to the difficulty that has arisen for you involves finding a teacher who will help the girl feel comfortable. If possible, try to take your child out of kindergarten for a while. Consider other activities: in a group short stay; in a group where parents are present; in the form individual lessons. The main task now is to help my daughter consolidate the feeling that the world around us friendly and welcoming.
Remember also that activities teaching staff directly related to selection individual strategy interactions with each child. Therefore, complaints from kindergarten employees that the girl is not in contact are, at a minimum, unfounded. Therefore, try to find an ally among teachers who has sufficient practical experience in solving the difficulty that has arisen.

Hello, dear specialists!
My daughter is 3.8 years old, and we have problems with adaptation and socialization in kindergarten. My daughter started kindergarten 2 months ago. In fact, it has only been open for 1 month - there were illnesses, the garden was closed for repairs. I went to the garden with great reluctance initially. All the time before kindergarten, I sat with her, combining raising my daughter and freelancing. I deliberately didn’t send her to kindergarten until she was three years old—I wanted her to grow up. It’s clear that I didn’t expect that she would run with great pleasure from under her mother’s wing into the company of people she didn’t know. But I didn’t expect what we have now either. In general, the main points that worry me are:
1. The child does not say anything about the garden. he answers any questions, even the simplest ones, with the phrase: “Let’s not talk about the garden!”, “I don’t want to talk about the garden.” From conversations with other mothers, I know that the children are happy, that they are not offended, that the teachers are adequate (they don’t yell, don’t hit, don’t punish). The daughter herself doesn’t want to mention the kindergarten at all in conversation. I chalk it up to adaptation, but I really want to help. I don't know how. I absolutely can’t understand which side to approach it from.
2. The child does not communicate with anyone in the garden. I talk to the teacher, ask how and what is going on. She says that her daughter either sits alone and draws, or takes toys and plays with them herself. She began to avoid children altogether. I can't say she was hypersocial before. She is rather shy, modest, always holding on to my skirt. But older children were always more interesting to her than children her own age younger age. Now she tries to go somewhere where there are no children. This scares me. It's just scary.
3. Child in lately began to eat constantly. She has a completely standard build - height 105, weight 16.5. I had never noticed anything like this before. Now she runs to the kitchen at least every 10 minutes or says that she is hungry. At the same time, we have 3 main meals and 2-3 intermediate ones. What is this? Is stress eating you up?
Dear experts, I am completely confused. Her condition frightens me. maybe you have some for our family good advice? How can I help her?
Sincerely,
Natalia

Answer from theSolution psychologist:

Your daughter is experiencing a strong feeling of fear.

This feeling of fear leads to the fact that her cognitive activity is paralyzed - that is why she secludes herself, does not communicate with other children, and prefers to play alone. A tendency toward shyness and the habit of “always holding on to your skirt” indicate that she does not feel safe. This is very typical for neurotic reactions.

The most important thing you need to understand about neurotic reactions is that a person (whether a child or an adult) blocks his cognitive activity at the slightest, even imaginary threat to one’s safety. Simply put, such a person is more likely to sit quietly and alone than to take the risk of learning something new. And this must be taken into account: an increased need for security, fear of activity, fear of novelty - this is reality. This problem psychological nature, that is, it has a conditioned reflex nature.

Sources of neurotic reactions

This is possible if a girl sees an example of similar behavior in her own family.
Please analyze the behavior of all family members involved in raising the girl. Who is used to scolding themselves for mistakes and failures? Those who tend to react with fear to everything new tend to be overly concerned about their safety and block cognitive activity in stressful situation? Who is overly touchy and overreacts to criticism, prone to increased feelings of guilt and shame, and strives to become “correct, good and ideal”? Who compares themselves out loud or mentally with other people? Whose actions are aimed at earning "approval without impeccability good behavior"? Who scolds themselves for mistakes and has too many “correct” attitudes “how to live ideally”?

If you recognize your own behavior pattern in this, then it may be that the girl is simply copying you. Most optimal solution- this, of course, is to remove neurotic reactions in yourself with the help of psychotherapy. Then the girl will copy more mature behavior patterns. Thus, it would be advisable for you to engage in the development of your own personality in order to remove the habit of fearfulness.

Child's age: 4 years. 5 months.

The child does not talk to teachers in kindergarten

My daughter (4 years 5 months) goes to kindergarten. The problem is that she categorically refuses to talk to the teachers there. When I ask her why this is so, she says that she doesn’t want to talk there and that’s all. It’s the same situation with other adults, until you get used to it.

The psychologist says there’s no need to insist, she’ll talk on her own, but it’s already been two years since we’ve been going to kindergarten, and there’s been no progress. The other day there was another meeting at which they said that they could not conduct classes with their daughter, because she is silent and does not answer, sometimes she only whispers. From which one of the teachers concluded that my child did not know anything, that most likely she should be transferred to a younger group. But we study at home, she says and does everything correctly. We go to developmental classes taught by the school psychologist, but she thinks that the child is just shy. During classes he answers in a whisper.
We saw a psychologist. After testing, she said that the girl was developed for her age, was not withdrawn, and was good at making contact. As soon as I come for her to the garden, she turns from a quiet child into an active one. At home he sings and dances, recites poetry, does mathematics, and so on. Outside of kindergarten she is completely different, she easily meets kids on the street, and is very active. I can't understand what the problem is.
Tell me what to do and how to help the girl cross this barrier?

Anna

Good afternoon

Such changes in a child’s behavior - from shyness to activity - are associated with his attitude towards adults. With those who make the child feel comfortable and safe, the girl behaves quite confidently and openly. And vice versa - the more difficult it is to interact with an adult, the more uncomfortable the child feels.
It is also possible that the difficulty that arose is due to the fact that the child had difficulty adapting to learning in kindergarten. Such manifestations as “silent, does not respond” indicate not so much the presence of shyness or anxiety in the child, but characterize the child’s method of defense. The most optimal solution to the difficulty that has arisen for you involves finding a teacher who will help the girl feel comfortable. If possible, try to take your child out of kindergarten for a while. Consider options for other activities: in a short-term group; in a group where parents are present; in the form of individual lessons. The main task now is to help my daughter consolidate the feeling that the world around her is friendly and welcoming.
Remember also that the activities of teaching staff are directly related to the selection of an individual strategy for interaction with each child. Therefore, complaints from kindergarten employees that the girl is not in contact are, at a minimum, unfounded. Therefore, try to find an ally among teachers who has sufficient practical experience in solving the difficulty that has arisen.

My granddaughter is 3 years old. She doesn’t want to talk in kindergarten. The teachers talk about it all the time and send her to a neurologist. We saw a doctor, and not even just one. Everyone says that the child is healthy. At home she says everything completely differently, tells rhymes, asks everything, dances. When I told the teacher that she couldn’t find an approach to her, she replied that she had found an approach to everyone, but she couldn’t find one. But that's probably true? Please advise how to behave. She’s generally a little shy girl and won’t talk to everyone.

Hello, Marina.

A child differs from an adult not in that he understands less, but only in that he has different means of expressing himself. He speaks not with words, but with actions. There is a reason for the fact that your daughter does not want to talk in kindergarten. And, in my opinion, we should limit ourselves to the explanation “the teacher didn’t find it with her common language", is not enough. You need to ask the question: "What does your daughter want to say? What happened?" Perhaps in this way she wants to isolate herself from what is happening in the kindergarten? Maybe she wants to return home in this way? Maybe, without talking, she wants to become that “little one”, to return to the time when She didn’t yet know how to speak in order to get the attention and love that she lacks in kindergarten?

You can talk about this with your daughter. Just don't do it while in power strong feelings, and you shouldn’t try to use this conversation to force her to do what you want. The purpose of this conversation is to understand: “What is happening? What does your daughter want to achieve in this way? What forced her to do this?” You can, for example, say: “I see that you don’t want to talk in kindergarten. But I know how well you talk at home. Maybe that’s why you... (here you formulate in words the reason that you managed to guess from her behavior or something else)." And then you can say: “The kindergarten differs from home in that there is no mom and dad there, but there are children with whom you can play and teachers who can teach you a lot. In life we ​​have to learn a lot, and this is good. This makes our life is more interesting, and we are stronger. By refusing to talk, you refuse to become an adult, strong and independent. I think this is not in your interests. Maybe your problem can be solved somehow differently? I want to help you with this, and you help me. understand you and help you. Because I love you very much.”

In general, with children - from the very early age- it is very important to talk. Explaining to them what is happening and why. No lies, honestly. If you cannot solve this problem yourself, you can seek help from a child psychologist.

All the best,

Kuvshinov Alexander Viktorovich, psychologist-psychanalyst, St. Petersburg

Hello, Marina.

Your letter does not contain very important information for me - how long the girl has been going to kindergarten. If we assume that your granddaughter has recently started kindergarten, then it is possible that her adaptation period has not yet ended. Then I need to know - when she went to kindergarten, how she behaves from that moment on - whether her appetite, sleep are disturbed, whether any fears have appeared, enuresis, whether her granddaughter has become more “nervous”, whether she cries over trifles. ..many various issues who could make an assumption as to why the child does not talk in the garden.

It is also very important WHO she does not talk to - with all the teachers or with one, whether she plays with children, whether she completes tasks in class or not. Does she communicate with the teacher in the presence of her mother or grandmother or never at all?

It is also important whether there have ever been such cases when the girl already refused to communicate with anyone.

I want to tell you, Marina, that the case you described causes me a certain concern, because I have encountered children suffering from selective mutism - the symptoms are approximately the same. But this is, in general, a psychiatric diagnosis and if this is so, the sooner you see a doctor, the better. Usually in such cases (this has happened twice in my practice), I take the child together with a psychiatrist. On the part of the neurologist, there may not be any pathology; this specialist deals with the functions nervous system and reflexes, not psyche and behavior. Therefore, if a doctor is a psychiatrist. And definitely for children. When managing such children, I take on the function of play therapy, mediated socialization of the child, and the doctor takes on the function of medicinal support and risk assessment. It is important that the doctor, psychologist and parents act in concert. I’ll say right away that therapy usually takes quite a long time. But if it is not carried out (I’m talking about mutism), then the symptoms can deepen and expand over time. For example, relatives, a teacher, or others may enter the exclusion zone without any apparent reason. necessary for the child People. And if the teacher can somehow cope with the situation, then at school this is usually translated into homeschooling(which does not improve the child’s socialization and deprives him of very important contacts with peers).

And the teacher, I think, really may have nothing to do with it.

If you have the opportunity, come to me for an in-person consultation.

Pobedinskaya Irina, St. Petersburg.