What should I do if my mother reads my correspondence? I have very serious problems with my parents

Hello! I'm very serious problems with parents. I, like all teenagers, dabbled in cigarettes, had parties where I drank, etc. And, naturally, I hid all this from my mother. All my social networks and phone are password protected. Mom once tried to look at my correspondence, but I didn’t let her do this, because I think it’s personal. Every child, it seems to me, although no, I’m sure that they have their own secrets from their parents. And so, recently I went to visit a friend for an overnight stay and forgot to leave social network. And in the middle of the night my mom calls me and says that I should run home. I came, it turned out that she had read all my files (she described it at the beginning). We had a serious conversation, where I admitted everything, because there was no point in lying. And now we’re waiting for dad to get home from work (he works for months at a time). But since that day, my mother and I have not spoken. The first days I didn’t want to talk to her because I was very angry with her. Well, this is personal, I don’t understand why I was reading all this. Now my mother comes in every time and reads my correspondence. And I read how I wrote to a friend about how I didn’t want to talk to my mother.
Naturally, she was very hurt by this, but it was true. She yelled at me. There is still a week before dad arrives. But we never talk to my mother. And I don’t know how to behave, I think that I am to blame for doing all this bad, but I also think that my mother is also to blame. She shouldn't have read my correspondence. Please help me figure it out, I'm very confused.

Answer from theSolution psychologist:

The behavior of your parents can be described by the phrase “good intentions”...

(continuation of the phrase -... the road to hell is paved). Worried about you and your well-being, they present their emotions and experiences to you in such a way that you want to do the opposite. This whole situation suggests that there is no mutual understanding, trust, or mutual respect between you and your parents. Let's look at the psychological mistakes of all participants in this situation.

Screaming and the habit of not talking to each other (due to anger or resentment) are children's forms of response in conflict.

Adults resolve conflict constructively expressing concerns, discussing the opinions, feelings and positions of the parties to the conflict, solving the problem method of cooperation.
When your mother yelled at you, she disrespected your personality because... screaming degrades a person's dignity, and it’s just scary. It's very difficult to hear rational thought when someone is yelling at you.

Parents may scream when they experience a conglomeration of feelings - anger for disobedience, fear of the negative consequences of your life mistakes and helplessness in the face of your independence of decisions.

The fact that you want to become an adult is, of course, good. You know, many teenagers confuse the concept of adulthood and concept unhealthy lifestyle. It’s one thing if you plan to destroy your health on your own, it’s another thing if you are guided by emotions in making decisions or do something that is called “just like that”, completely without thinking about its consequences.

When you act like all teenagers, you show that you have Critical (logical) thinking is not formed. In psychology this is called “follow blindly your reference group.” Following the motto “like everyone else” you succumb fear of ostracism. This, by the way, is the main fear of teenagers - not being like everyone else and being ridiculed by their peers. Because 20-30 people around you drink alcohol, you can do not analyze anything critically, from the point of view of logic and common sense. You just don't have to think about it... is it useful to you personally or not?, or even think that it's "alcoholism is an alternative form of health that shows a tough liver." The same goes for cigarettes appearance, cultural preferences, acceptability of non-standard sexual relations and so on.

Parents are afraid of the responsibility they will have to take on if you get into trouble.

We are talking about premarital sex life, unplanned pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, scandalous reputation on social networks (when your mistakes in life are filmed by someone and posted online). Parents are also afraid of the potential that you will become involved with criminal elements. They may be afraid that you will drink too much, become an alcoholic, or suffer from bronchitis or bronchial and lung cancer due to smoking. Or, worst of all, you will start taking drugs. When trouble happens to you, it is your parents who are most likely to stay by your side, support your unexpected children and heal you from the consequences of a “fun and perky life.”

True adulthood and psychological independence look a little different.

Adults strive for financial independence They strive to somehow earn a living and not depend financially on their parents. They are preparing for marriage, buying a house and stocking up on money. Truly adults, on the contrary, strive to maintain health in order to enjoy themselves for as long as possible high quality life, and not “work for medicine”, remembering his turbulent youth. Adults plan their lives systematically and do not create risky situations with ill-considered consequences. More important point, Adults do not allow anyone to influence themselves through manipulation or pressure on emotions. On one's own thinking person asks himself the question: “Is this my decision or that the decision was forced on me someone else? This is the action I planned it myself, as part of the overall strategy for building my life or I give in psychological pressure groups, Am I afraid of criticism, condemnation and ridicule?

When your mother saw that you forgot to log out of social networks and did not ask your permission to view your profile and page, she violated your personal boundaries.

It's surprising that she didn't apologize to you for this. Insensitivity to one's own and others' boundaries occurs when different problems, most often this accompanies the experience of psychological trauma.
What you feel is yours psychological boundaries(you experience irritation when they are violated) - this is good. Their psychological boundaries are important to protect using techniques assertive communication. That is, communicate politely and confidently.

In the upcoming conversation with your parents, you may expect the following difficulties.

Out of fear for your future, your parents may yell at you, insult you, and call you names. bad words. In this case, it will be difficult for you without special psychological preparation Don’t give in to your emotions and make an emotional decision. Example of an emotional decision - give in to your feelings of anger and start shouting back or, conversely, get scared, feel small, stupid, “bad” and remain silent guiltily. Still, in such a situation, the best thing to do is behave assertively.

Assertive behavior might look something like this: “Mom and Dad, we are one family. I probably should have asked you in advance about why people drink and smoke, and not research this issue on my own, and even behind your back. I understand how worried you are about me. I think you're worried that I might go down a bad path and go downhill, and that's not what you raised me for. I admit I was wrong: I thought drunken parties and unhealthy lifestyles were a sign of adults. I understood the situation and decided to build my life differently. Since I have already received a huge portion of mental torment, I want to ask you not to put pressure on me emotionally. I realized my mistake and will do everything possible to correct it."

When your parents threaten you that they will now control your correspondence, you can talk to them about the following:

“Mom and Dad, I must learn independence and a responsible approach to building my life. Your control humiliates my feeling self-esteem and does not teach me how to build a life. I want to break prohibitions solely out of a feeling of contradiction and protest. I want to ask you to create such a relationship so that I can turn to you for advice and clarification. I Want you ask communicate with me in a calm tone, so that I can hear rational reasons why you consider this or that action dangerous for me. I also want to ask you not to scold me with the word “I’m bad,” because these are unconstructive attacks on my personality. Bad people- This household analogue the term “psychopaths” (and such a diagnosis can only be made by a psychiatrist). And I have a conscience and the ability to experience deep moral feelings, which psychopaths do not have. Please explain why you are angry and how you propose to solve this problem, without humiliating my self-esteem. I want to ask you define personal boundaries in our family each other".

I really sympathize with you: your mother violated your boundaries, having read correspondence that was not intended for her. Perhaps she was motivated by concern for you, but even in this case other actions were possible (for example, straight Talk seriously about what worries your mother), in addition to reading your intimate correspondence. In addition to the fact that your boundaries were violated, you were also subjected to physical punishment, what is unacceptable (who can beatings actually improve? and what can they change?). Vika, have you tried to protect yourself? This is very important for further building relationships both with your mother and with other people who will meet on your life path and test your boundaries for strength.

Vika, regarding your question. Your mother is alarmed after your correspondence and, apparently, wants to check the state of your women's health. Let me add that visits to the gynecologist are an important component of the life of any girl (and woman). What's wrong with visiting a doctor? The gynecologist will be able to look at you and reassure your mother. Perhaps he will succeed well, and you will not have to justify yourself and prove that correspondence is just words on paper. I will add that until the age of 18, your mother as a parent is responsible for you, and then you will be responsible for your own women Health and everything else that will happen in your life.

Vika, if you have any questions (or new ones), please write and we’ll discuss them.

Best regards, Daria Gulyaeva

Mom read the correspondence with the guy

Hello, Vika.
You write that your mother is very strict and beats you. There is no information in your message about whether she is hitting you in connection with this specific case or she hits you altogether. It seems that in your family this is a way of normal upbringing that is not perceived as violence. More like strictness. You and your mother probably consider both physical and psychological violence to be strict.
You don’t write whether your mother is raising you alone. But even if not alone, but together with your dad, then it seems that raising and communicating with you lies only with your mother. I imagine that this must not be very easy for both you and your mother. It seems that mom only uses strict control, prohibitions and violence. Most likely, this causes a lot of protest in you (conscious and unconscious).
IN in this case, in a situation with correspondence, it is difficult to say whether it is possible to somehow convince your mother that you are a virgin. Especially considering that strict control and violence in the family as methods of upbringing do not take into account the child as an individual, and do not consider the possibility of talking on equal terms and trusting each other. Similar to this moment convince your mother that only an examination washes.
But you can try to do something to make your relationship change somehow. You can try to tell your mom how you feel about this whole situation, how you feel about the fact that your mom beats you, doesn’t take into account your boundaries, doesn’t trust you.
We don’t yet know what your mother will answer you, whether she will want to somehow change her attitude towards you. But you can already determine for yourself what you would like your relationship with your mother to be.
If you need further advice, please contact us. I'll be happy to help you.

Sincerely, psychologist,
Makarova Lola.

I am 18 years old. I have been in a relationship with a guy for almost 3 years. He takes me quite seriously, just like me. Our parents don’t know each other, but I know his, and he knows mine, and I’m very good relations with his relatives. It is also important to say that my young man is studying at a military school - a 3rd year cadet, and he is 2 years older than me.

We started having sex more than a year back. Of course, the parents don't know about this. Mom asked, but I kept denying it, and dad suspected, but I convinced him that it wasn’t so. But this morning there was a revolution. In the morning I was getting ready for university, my mother was going to work, and my father had already left. While I was in the shower, my dad called me and my mom answered the phone. Having finished the conversation, the website opened to my mother a correspondence with my boyfriend, so intimate that I would never show it to anyone. There he described what he would do with me, and what I would do to him. We often correspond on this topic, because we miss each other very much, we miss each other, we haven’t seen each other for months. Mom was in shock, I didn’t know what to say. She began to say what I was like, to speak rudely, I was only 18, and she trusted me with him, she let me go with him everywhere, but it turns out he corrupted me.

She said that on next week Let's go to the gynecologist to check if I'm a virgin, because from the correspondence it is not clear that we already had THIS. If it turns out that she is not a virgin, then mom tells everything to dad and my young man, to put it mildly, “the end.” Also, the end of my relationship, so that she never sees or hears him and his name, I will never go to see him (I went to the city where he studies once every month or two). She didn’t want to listen to me, she went to work, I immediately called the site in hysterics, told everything to the young man, discussed what to do, and he suggested that he talk to my mother. At first I was against it, then I agreed, but I was sure that she would not want to listen to him or talk to him. He also told me not to lie to my mother, but to tell the whole truth that we had intimacy. I can’t decide on this, I want to talk, but I have to wait until she cools down and calms down a little. The most important thing is that she doesn’t tell dad about what she read, otherwise I can’t imagine the outcome of events.

She and I have enough relationships of trust, I often shared secrets and feelings with her, we also had secrets from dad. In general, they were beaten by very close people, one might even say friends. But I have no idea what to do in this situation now. I'm very afraid that dad will find out. Mom wrote an SMS saying that we had brought her down, she had blood pressure and her heart hurt. I’m thinking of going to her work and talking, because her dad picks her up after work and they come home together, so we won’t be able to talk at home unless we’re all together, with dad, but God forbid.

Maria Vitalievna, Good evening! First of all, you need to be guided common sense And current legislation RF. The Family Code of the Russian Federation dated December 29, 1995 N 223-FZ (as amended on May 1, 2017) contains several articles on the rights and responsibilities of parents.

Article 63. Rights and obligations of parents regarding the upbringing and education of children

1. Parents have the right and obligation to raise their children.

Parents are responsible for the upbringing and development of their children. They are obliged to take care of health, physical, mental, spiritual and moral development their children.
Parents have a priority right to the education and upbringing of their children over all other persons.
2. Parents are obliged to ensure that their children receive a general education.

Parents have the right to choose educational organization, forms of education for children and forms of their training, taking into account the opinions of children before they receive basic general education.

RF IC, Article 64. Rights and responsibilities of parents to protect the rights and interests of children

1. Protection of the rights and interests of children rests with their parents.
Parents are the legal representatives of their children and act in defense of their rights and interests in relations with any individuals and legal entities, including in the courts, without special powers.
2. Parents do not have the right to represent the interests of their children if the guardianship and trusteeship authority establishes that there are contradictions between the interests of parents and children. In case of disagreements between parents and children, the guardianship and trusteeship authority is obliged to appoint a representative to protect the rights and interests of the children.

There is also a Commentary on Article 23 of the Constitution of the Russian Federation

1. The commented article regulates one of the personal constitutional rights of a person. They all have something in common in the form of the structure of the institution of personal rights and freedoms, which involves a combination of a number of elements. The first of them ensures the physical integrity of a person, the second - spiritual integrity, as well as his honor and dignity, the third is the inviolability of private and family life * (234). General characteristics of all personal rights is the presence in their content of such an important component as “inviolability”. Inviolability means that relationships arising in the sphere of private life are not subject to intensive legal regulation. Baglay M.V. believes that private life consists of those aspects of a person’s personal life that, due to his freedom, he does not want to make available to others. This is a kind of individual sovereignty, meaning the inviolability of its “habitat” * (235). Romanovsky G.B. believes that private life covers a circle of informal communication, forced connections (with lawyers, doctors, notaries, etc.), in fact inner world person (personal experiences, beliefs, life, leisure, hobbies, habits, home life, sympathies), family connections, religious beliefs * (236). From the point of view of the Civil Code, privacy, personal and family secret are considered as intangible benefits(Article 150), and one of the principles civil legislation is the inadmissibility of arbitrary interference by anyone in private affairs (Clause 1, Article 1 of the Civil Code). The Definition of the Constitutional Court of the Russian Federation dated 06/09/2005 N 248-O contains a definition of what the right to privacy is: it means granted to a person and guaranteed by the state the ability to control information about oneself, to prevent the disclosure of personal and intimate information. The concept of “private life” includes that area of ​​human life that relates to an individual, concerns only him and is not subject to control by society and the state if it is not illegal. However, as the European Court of Human Rights has stated, “the main purpose of Article 8 of the Convention for the Protection of Human Rights and Fundamental Freedoms is to protect individual from arbitrary interference of state authorities.” By determining the punishment in the form of imprisonment for a crime committed, the state does not arbitrarily interfere in the private life of a citizen, but only fulfills its function of protecting public interests (resolution of 05.28.1985 “Abdulazis, Kabales and Balkandali v. the United Kingdom”).

Did you notice that the comment talks about protecting privacy from outside interference. Parents, of course, do not have the right to invade the child’s personal life in this way, but they have the right and obligation to know from the child what he is interested in and involved in, since they are responsible for him. Responsibility up to criminal.

Regards, Tatiana.