Dissatisfied child. Dissatisfaction with your own child

Ecology of life. Children: I remember my experience of motherhood, I remember the moments when I experienced dissatisfaction with my children for various reasons...

Sometimes in therapy I have people who can be misleading by their appearance- they are cheerful, playful, and light. They don't seem to need any help at all.

I take a closer look, and at the right moment I ask, Is a person really having as much fun as he shows? It often turns out that cheerfulness is the habit of being “positive”, and no less often it turns out that the habit appeared in childhood, when parents absolutely did not want to face their child’s dissatisfaction: “What can you be dissatisfied with? Everything is fine with you.”

My parent clients often bring up this topic:“He (my child) is resisting/dissatisfied/yelling like a fool, and it annoys me. I do so much for him, I didn’t have half of what he has, but he still doesn’t express gratitude.”

I remember my experience of motherhood, I remember the moments when I experienced dissatisfaction with my children for various reasons - when they protested against my decisions, or they didn’t like the gifts I gave, or something about family travel, and I remember how hard it was take out.

It’s hard - because until a certain time my child's unresponsiveness to my actions meant much more to me than just an emotional response.

Sometimes I felt like a bad mother - when my children were angry with me; sometimes I got hurt by “ungratefulness” when I expected high praise for my efforts.

I was terribly offended at the moment when I expected from them (as I later understood) something adult: adult reactions of “understanding” me, or even protection, and even support for me.

Very similar cases are now being “brought” by my clients-parents: it seems to them that they are making completely “fair” demands on their children, not noticing that they are “putting” into them (demands) their own children’s expectations from their parent.

• One dad expected his son to “keep his word” in contracts imposed on the child, but in fact, he expected respect for his needs from his mother, which he did not receive.

• One mother was hurt by her son’s bad mood, at the moment when she hoped to have a heart-to-heart talk with him - just as she was hurt next to her mother, who never left the image of a teacher, and with whom she had never been close.

• Another mother almost hated her daughter because she “was given every opportunity to study, but she didn’t care about her mother’s efforts by not finishing college.” Obviously, the hatred had the same origin as in the first two cases - the woman herself had suffered neglect from her own mother, and could not come to terms with the fact that her daughter might not appreciate her efforts ... to ensure that she herself had so important.

Children's dissatisfaction, anger, and resistance place parents in very vulnerable places—in their own deficits and vulnerabilities. However, children are not to blame for the emergence of these vulnerabilities and deficits, and therefore cannot be held responsible for them.

Children's dissatisfaction, anger and resistance are often an attempt to define their boundaries, to show that they may have other needs and other – albeit still childish, immature – values.

Apparently, it will take a lot of effort to admit that Some outbursts of anger in children may be triggered by unjustified expectations from their parents themselves.. No child can replace a parent's parent - he, in principle, cannot have the experience to be able to support like a mature person. The child may play along with the expectation, imitate care or support, or “keeping his word,” or he will resist.

The second strategy, in my opinion, is healthier than the first, because it is aimed at protecting one’s borders, but, alas, is not very good for life... Life motivation may remain at the level of “doing in spite of the parent”, and not “doing what is necessary for oneself”.

Sometimes the appearance of “bad” feelings is associated with a violation of the child’s boundaries. The girl, who dropped out of college, could not explain to her mother why she did not want to study to become a lawyer, although she was angry with her a lot.

And, for example, my eldest son was annoyed with me several times because I have a habit of repeating what was said several times. But he doesn’t need it, because he “got it the first time.”

Sometimes the feelings of children do not concern their parents at all, but can be brought from another life(from school, for example). However, as described above, a mother who is wounded in her relationship with her mother only needs one frown from her child - and... contact is already lost.

You will also have to work hard to appropriate the idea that a child is a living person, and he may not like something - in general, or at a given moment in time.

If a child is forbidden to be dissatisfied under the pretext: “You have no reason for this,” a dangerous trap is being laid for him. So they can deprive him of the right to what he does not like, does not suit him, and be deprived of the right to boundaries.

This means that in adult life he will not be able to rely on this reality, ignoring discomfort, inconvenience and even violence towards himself. published

Modern parents are increasingly faced with the fact that their child is an “eternal whiner.” So, why is a child always unhappy, and how to wean him from constantly pouting his lips and using a whiny intonation in his voice?

Why is the child unhappy and how to deal with it?

First of all, psychologists advise simply not to react when a child says something in that whiny tone. But when the baby speaks normally, the reaction should be quite quick.

The main task is to ensure that the child understands that adults do not refuse to help him at all. You just need to formulate your requests clearly and calmly.

It is equally important that parents strive to understand their child, to understand why the child is unhappy. After all, it’s no secret that as a child grows up, he goes through many so-called “crisis” periods, which are especially difficult to experience. It is not surprising that during such periods children can become especially aggressive, saying “no” more and more often, as well as calling names and even fighting. At such moments, it is important to allow the child to express his attitude towards his parents, because at some moments the child has the right to anger and other emotions.

Parents tend to wait for their child to grow up. At the same time, children themselves, who strive to become adults as soon as possible, sometimes relapse into childhood with pleasure. Here it is important to explain to your little one the advantages of being an “adult”. For example, he can already watch a cartoon and has quite complex toys, unlike the smallest ones. If the child has become the eldest in the family, then this is a different story. In this case, he simply needs to at least occasionally be given the opportunity to be small, sometimes rocking him and picking him up.

Sometimes the reason that a child is always dissatisfied lies in the fact that he himself cannot understand the reasons for his discomfort. After all, he is still far from able to express everything in words and explain it normally to adults. In any case, you need to be especially attentive to the child’s complaints that concern his body. After all, if the baby doesn’t feel well, he should under no circumstances tolerate it.

In some cases, parents think about the question of why the child is unhappy, but at the same time they absolutely do not notice a simple thing - the fact that they themselves are always busy with their problems, or hobbies, personal lives, etc. It is not surprising that the child will certainly use the most effective way of attracting attention to himself, namely, whining and crying.

After all, every sob is inevitably followed by a reaction from the parents!

Therefore, it is so important to give parental attention to your baby in the maximum amount. The result will not take long to arrive. Then you won’t have to look for an answer to the question of why the child is dissatisfied, but, on the contrary, will be more flexible and attentive to the parents’ words, as much as possible due to age characteristics.

If a child is dissatisfied, demonstratively leaves with pouting lips, or whines about any reason, complaining about life, parents should monitor their behavior more closely. No matter how sad it is to admit the fact of one’s own guilt, there is certainly a share of it.

Adults sometimes don’t even notice that somewhere they inadvertently dropped a phrase like “I don’t feel like going to work tomorrow,” “the boss is completely insolent, he doesn’t want to sign a vacation application,” or “I stood at the stove like a convict all day.” At first glance, this is such a small thing, but the child takes it all on himself, how difficult life is.

He may not cry, not shed a single tear, but at the same time reprimand his mother that he is forced to clean up toys in the room, as if he were a servant. Sometimes there is simply a spirit of contradiction. Mom asks to quickly get ready for kindergarten, but the child did not get enough sleep. But when it's time to sleep, the child finds a lot of important things to do. Everything just has to be his way.

Parents shrug their shoulders - what to do when the child is always dissatisfied with something. Everyone at home seems to be polite and friendly. Where did this intolerable behavior come from? However, it is not enough just to be polite and smiling with a child. Psychologists recommend watching every word as closely as possible and never giving a child a reason to think that his parents are too lazy to do something.

Yes, work does not always bring joy, but there is no need to discuss work problems in front of your child. It is better in the morning to create a cheerful, joyful mood for yourself and all household members with all your might. Of course it's not easy. But they educate not with an instructive word, but with their example. There is no other option.

You can also have fun organizing house cleaning or cooking for the whole family, making sure to involve your child in the process. Moral teachings like “not everything in life is a joy, but you have to do it” are unlikely to be successful. The above tips will help those whose problem of child dissatisfaction lies in their own lifestyle.

It happens that the reason is different: the child was indulged for too long, everything was allowed and suddenly they began to make demands. In this case, dissatisfaction is a way of manipulating adults. I will cry, complain and I will be given what I want. This behavior is a failure in education, but it can still be corrected if you are firm and consistent in your actions and educational techniques.

It is important to monitor both yourself and your child to find out in what specific cases the behavior boils down to whining. You cannot talk to your child in a whiny voice. On the contrary, invite him to identify the problem clearly and clearly.

It’s a paradox, but both children who receive too much attention from their parents and those to whom they are always indifferent can be too whiny and dissatisfied. In the first case, the cause of dissatisfaction is spoilage, in the second - lack of attention. The child begins to copy the behavior of his parents and show dissatisfaction with the behavior of others. Either he will grow up to be a closed whiner or an outspoken critic.

To correct the situation and stop the constant whining of your offspring, you need to establish the true reason. And there are not many of them:

The child achieves his goal in this way;

The situation is unfamiliar to him and he whines beforehand to avoid criticism from adults afterwards;

Wants to stay small and attract more attention.

Another reason has already been mentioned above - copying the behavior of adults. In any case, the situation needs to be adjusted. Attracting attention to oneself is more common for children who have younger brothers and sisters. Here you need to promptly attract the baby to the side of the adults who care for the newborn. Having felt his importance in the common cause, he is unlikely to harass his parents with whining.

The second reason most often worries children 5-6 years old, when they begin to communicate more with peers, go not only to kindergarten, but also to additional clubs, and prepare for school. The child begins to show dissatisfaction as if in advance, because he does not feel confident in the new team.

If a child was constantly indulged at home and indulged in games, then he will have a hard time in the yard. He will either be alone in a children's company, or he will have to very difficultly break himself and take into account other opinions. Such children perceive loss very painfully. Therefore, it is better to accustom the child’s psyche to different situations from early childhood than to protect him from any difficulties.

If the child is still too young, then it is important to simply learn not to give in to his whims and take a pause - he will cry, sulk and forget how it all began. It is already possible and necessary to talk frankly with an older child - “I think you are behaving this way now because you want...” Perhaps he will not agree with his mother’s verdict, but he will think that his thoughts have been “seen through.” And next time there will be no reason to show dissatisfaction.

The child always shows dissatisfaction. Only at the age of up to one year does he signal physiological needs, and at 6 years old he already consciously strives to control his parents. And here you need endurance so as not to switch to the forceful method.

This feeling can lead more than one mother to see a psychologist.
The child can be 3 months, 3 years, 30 years old.

Dissatisfaction with your own child, his studies, behavior, character very often hides dissatisfaction with your own life. High expectations, unfulfilled ambitions.

Most often, mothers are unhappy with their sons. It is so customary in human society to put forward special requirements for men. So that they are successful, realized, accomplish feats and at the same time - obedient to their mother, wife, and state.
So that they love, but do not cry. And we wouldn’t be afraid of anything...

Such contradictory demands, if they do not form a strong male character and the ability to defend one’s interests and boundaries, will lead to the formation of neurosis in a boy.
When I encounter a client’s dissatisfaction with her own child, most often these are sons, I offer ideas and expectations about what he should be like for her such an experiment:

Try to become your son for a while. Sit down like your son. Take exactly this pose. Breathe like your son. Speak exactly as he speaks. Happened? Then tell me a little about yourself (child's name)

Demanding mothers often devalue their sons' feelings. They do not notice and do not admit that they miss their friends who have left, their fathers, their deceased grandparents. Mothers often do not consider it important that children need to play, go for walks, communicate with friends, and not just study and study in sections, during breaks, helping their mother around the house and with younger brothers and sisters.

Moms don't notice that It is important for boys to be in the company of peers , sometimes fight, because this helps them find a place in their “pack”, gain authority, learn to deal with their own and other people’s aggression, which will not disappear anywhere in the adult world. Many mothers notice that their children are still children. And some mothers say that their children have already grown up, that they need to change their attitude towards them.

To the question “what would you like from your mother?” Mothers, in the role of their sons, often answer: “so that she loves, so that she doesn’t find fault too much.” And this is amazing for them.

This exercise is aimed at developing empathy, the ability to step into another person’s shoes and feel their experiences. Mothers have the opportunity to better understand the needs of their sons. This means there is an opportunity to contact your child and be in dialogue. And in general, it is better to navigate the world of interaction with other people.

One client, the mother of a 21-year-old son, said with great surprise at the end of our meeting: “I realized that my son is alive, he has a personality, he is not a toy, you can’t play him around as you want.”

Dear mothers, it would be nice if you knew and remembered this when your children are still small. That your child has a temperament, character, preferences, taste and even some kind of destiny. Maybe it will become easier for you to bear your dissatisfaction with your own child when you remember that he is also a living person.

I note that the ability to empathize develops. It is not always the first time that a mother is able to step into her child’s shoes. And even after getting up, he can quickly return to his usual devaluing state. Therefore, I use not only this technique when I try to draw the attention of such a client to her child as a living person.

In this case, of course, the most important thing is the desire of the clients themselves. Insist on your own, so that everything is the way mom wants. And then you need to “correct” your son or daughter to meet her expectations. Or it is important for the client to find an opportunity to negotiate with the child, respecting her and his needs.

Family psychologist, Gestalt therapist.