What to do if I am jealous of my child’s mother-in-law: advice from a psychologist. How to break up a family triangle - mother-in-law, daughter-in-law and son? Which side does the husband take in the family triangle?

Jealousy is that green-eyed monster that can destroy even the strongest family in which harmony and mutual love reign. This feeling is blind and merciless, and you need to learn to keep it under strict control. Judge for yourself: every woman, even the most attractive and gentle, but jealous of her husband for every passing skirt, very quickly transforms into a hysterical woman, a quarrelsome woman and simply an unbearable person.

True jealous people will not disdain to search the pockets of their loved one, examine the possessions of his tablet or phone, examine the shirt collar with a microscope for lipstick, and even become a private detective. As a result, the man either really starts a passion on the side, or even leaves the family.

Jealousy is justified

A feeling that has good grounds and is supported by irrefutable facts is inherent in any, even the most patient, tactful and self-possessed wife.

And it appears after the husband periodically or constantly:

• Flirts with mutual female friends;
• Gives double compliments to strangers;
• Spends the night away from home, returns late from work, coming up with strange and untrue excuses for delays;
• If he completely ignores his spouse regarding sex;
• Hiding with a mobile phone in another room.

So, what to do in situations like this, when endurance and patience come to an end? You definitely shouldn’t demonstrate your disinterest in what’s happening, but you also shouldn’t fall into hysterics. It is important to calmly discuss with your spouse all the points that concern you, present logical arguments and ask him to explain. This way you will be able to maintain your own dignity and not provoke family scenes of jealousy, which will make you very ashamed.

Jealousy without reason

This is an emotion that is in no way controlled by a woman, and is not subject to external conditions, and can lead to unpredictable and bad consequences. The unreasonable jealousy of your spouse about his past, the conductor, the waitress, or even his mother usually has purely psychological reasons.

Typically, this behavior is characteristic of ladies with huge internal complexes, low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. In fact, they cannot be convinced that they can be loved, faithful and devoted.

Morbid jealousy appears due to the fact that the spouse is afraid of losing her lover, and tries to keep him near her by any imaginable and inconceivable means.

But the paradox of the situation is that such family life quickly comes to an end.

So, how can you learn not to be jealous of your husband? See what psychologists advise on this matter:

• To begin with, you just need to prove to yourself how charming, beautiful, loved and appreciated you are. There is no need to get hung up on the flaws in appearance or character that everyone has. Find all your positive qualities and don’t stop thinking about them. Believe me, women with powerful charisma, confident in their own attractiveness and importance, never ask questions like: “ What should I do if I am very jealous of my husband?»?
• Remember, thoughts are very material, and the more often you imagine your beloved in the arms of his ex, the higher the likelihood that he will end up there. Think positively
• Wives marching around the house in worn-out slippers, with a fat ponytail or a hanging tummy look very ugly and unattractive. People like this are more likely to go the other way, take this into account,
• It is possible that the answer to the question of how to stop being jealous of your husband lies in complete financial dependence on him. Any woman needs to self-realize in a professional field, have her own pocket money, tasks, goals and aspirations,
• If you are increasingly tormented by thoughts like: “ I'm jealous of my husband's past", you will have to learn to live in the present and appreciate what you have at the moment. Otherwise, your whole life will pass in doubts and fears, and you simply will not notice your personal happiness,
• It is quite possible that only a psychotherapist can help solve the question of how not to be jealous of your husband. This is especially true in cases where a woman has already experienced betrayal by partners, and she cannot get rid of the feeling of trickery and danger,
• The source of jealousy needs to be identified. To do this, it is enough to be alone with yourself for some time and put your thoughts, facts, feelings and emotions in order,
• You need to stop identifying yourself with movie stars, pop singers and fashion models that your man likes. Strive to become an ideal for him, and do not covet someone else’s fame and success,
• Stop snooping and instead calmly communicate with your partner. Tell him that you have long been jealous of his mother-in-law, business partner, saleswoman from a bread store, or even his own sister. Achieve a mutual decision and trust in each other, even if it takes several hours in a row,
• Thought: " I'm jealous of my husband's mother-in-law", is usually born to women whose husbands put their mother above all else. It is difficult to recommend anything here, since such behavior is the result of upbringing. And if your spouse does not deprive you of attention and care, but spends a lot of time with his mother, you will have to come to terms with this, because he sets an excellent example for the children. Besides, no one is eternal, remember this and take it as you want,
• If the phrase is firmly stuck in your head: “ I am jealous of my husband for his own sister", understand the absurdity of your behavior and thinking style. An indulgence can only be made if the sister is a cousin or your own, but even in such situations you should not panic and become hysterical ahead of time. Reformulate all complaints to your loved one regarding the lack of attention to your person into proposals to spend time together: visit a cinema or go out into nature.

It is much more difficult for those who cannot get rid of the thought: “I am jealous of my husband for his ex-wife.” Failed spouses can be connected by many circumstances: children, business, relatives, habit of communication, in the end. Everything except the last one will have to be put up with for a very long time.

Hello, I’m 25 years old, my son is 7 months old, my husband is 30. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We live with my husband’s parents. We moved recently, before that we lived with my mother, but she didn’t suit my husband, in the end there was a scandal and I was given an ultimatum -either we live with my parents, or you stay, and I’ll come on weekends. Unfortunately, there’s no way to live separately. I decided to move, although I didn’t want to put it mildly (my mother-in-law didn’t like me at first, and I responded in kind). I’d like to add a footnote because my husband simply adores his son, spends a lot of time with him, studies with him. I also love my husband. After thinking about it, I decided to move. And my problem is this: as soon as we moved, my mother-in-law took patronage of the child, constantly carries her in her arms, plays, lisps (although I must say that I don’t know how to do this, I’m a little harsh by nature). It seems to me as if she wants to fill all the space around the baby so that only he perceives her. So it’s come to the point that even I’m sitting in our I’m playing in the room with the child, she walks along the corridor, he quickly crawls when he sees her, and in general he always crawls closer to her, whines for her to take in his arms. He also always repeats with the woman, you and the woman - as if he’s talking. He constantly snatches him from mine hands, says rest. I feel like a service staff for my son. On weekends, my father-in-laws go to the dacha, my son crawls around the apartment looking for his grandmother. I have the feeling that for the child it’s not me who is the mother, but she. Preventive conversations are held from time to time, I tell her what it is my child and I have the right to decide what he will eat, when and how to sleep, whether to ride in the arms or not. She answers yes, yes. But she sticks to her own line. She doesn’t take advice on how to care for and behave with her son. It’s bitter and insulting, that I am a mother who has no right to my child, as if I gave birth not for myself. I tried to talk, explain, she is offended, she seems to think, she says yes, you are right, I will do as you say, but a little time passes and again the child is in my arms, endless useless advice, etc. my husband also made comments to her, but everything was like a wall. Later he stopped saying anything. When I try to discuss with him another attack from my mother-in-law, she starts getting irritated and screaming. The conversation boils down to the fact that it’s kind of my fault (learn to lisp, that’s all he should be allowed), although my son doesn’t hear the word “impossible” from me (I just try to remove everything dangerous, unlike my grandmother who repeats this word a thousand times a day). I want my son to be able to play at least a little on his own, he also crawls well, which allows him not to sit constantly in our arms, but to follow us around the apartment himself. In general, the question is how to calm down the irritation, find a common language, and defend my right to make decisions about raising the child. And how to make me become more important to the baby than the grandmother. I understand what this is competition, but I want to be myself for him. ..

Good day Maria! The fact that your mother-in-law did not accept you at first - this is also the reaction of mothers, she was worried about her son, you were a stranger to her. But over time, she accepted you as a daughter or daughter-in-law, because she loves your baby, because this is not only her son’s child, but also yours! Your baby is incredibly lucky - he is loved and that’s wonderful! Imagine for a moment that the mother-in-law would be generally indifferent to the baby? What would you say and feel then? You yourself write that you are “tough” by nature, and your mother-in-law lisps him. And when should you baby a child if not at such an early age? He still smells like God! The child needs to be picked up more often, pressed to the chest, so that he feels your warmth, care, love... Right now a psycho-emotional connection is being formed between you.

Another very important factor influencing the emotional development of a child is the attentive, sensitive attitude of his parents towards him and each other. Spend as much time as possible together, smile at your baby, hold him in your arms more often. The baby experiences so-called “tactile hunger,” so try. Your touch is vital for him.

Scientists have proven that a child develops faster if, from birth, he has a lot of contact with his parents and communicates through touch. Those. Touching every time you change clothes, bathe, feed, carry, massage, exercise is of great importance.

Infants are very sensitive to their mother's mood. Often, when the mother is upset about something, the baby also behaves restlessly, screams, and is capricious. Try to be as calm as possible.

For your child, you were, are and will be his mother - beyond competition!

All the best,

Labutina Larisa Sergeevna, psychologist Astana

Why do mother-in-law and daughter-in-law become rivals?

Hello dear readers. I have written a lot about the rivalry between two women, mother and wife, for the special attention of the only beloved man. And I will write more. After all, this topic is inexhaustible and sometimes reaches the point of absurdity, when two women cannot share one man, and with him a child.

So it turns out - a family triangle, which is much worse than a love triangle. After all, a love triangle can be broken, but you need to look for a way out of a family triangle. But the side does not always want to look for him. They prefer to openly conflict or secretly be offended and accumulate grievances.

Why is my mother-in-law jealous?

It's no secret that many problems in relationships arise due to simple jealousy. Jealousy, which eats away a person from the inside and seeks a way out. And whatever way out jealousy finds, such will be the consequences. After all, the mother-in-law often believes that...

So it turns out that both the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law can consider each other rivals, and this can negatively affect their relationship. Most often, the mother-in-law is jealous of her son’s daughter-in-law and thereby ruins the life of her own child. How can it be, she thinks, now there is another woman next to her son. Can she take better care of him than I can? Will she cook, wash, iron better than me?

But for young people and lovers, such everyday problems do not have such a priority as for the mother-in-law. And you shouldn’t focus on them. Don’t pointlessly torture yourself and your daughter-in-law.

Ordinary maternal jealousy is a normal, natural feeling, as long as it does not go beyond the bounds of reason. But then she starts to look just ugly. Why would you compete with another woman to get your own son's attention? He must have time for both women, and he loves both, but with different loves. And therefore there should be no reason for jealousy.

Daughter-in-law's jealousy

And the other woman, the wife, is also jealous. But this is not just jealousy, this is competition. A young woman constantly competes with a more experienced one, and strives to receive the constant attention of her beloved man. Here, most often the cause of jealousy is the thought: “Now he is mine and only mine.” This position most often manifests itself in possessive behavior, where only the full attention of the spouse becomes important, and not even the thought that he can care or worry about someone else is allowed.

And when a child appears, the same possessive feeling appears towards the child. I often read that mothers are jealous of their children’s grandmothers. Of course, this is not exactly jealousy, but rather a feeling of ownership - “this child is mine, and only mine.” Do you know this feeling? What to do? Some tips.

Which side does the husband take in the family triangle?

I won’t be able to sort it out, but I’ll at least try. I never tire of saying that my blog is mainly read by future mothers-in-law, which is why I write for them.

Conflicts will arise as long as the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law consider each other competitors. Conflicts can be avoided if the daughter-in-law learns to perceive the mother-in-law as her husband’s mother, and the mother-in-law as the daughter-in-law as the woman whom her son loves.

Raising the question “either she or I” is a dead end from which there is no correct, painless way out.

You should always try to find good qualities in a person. If your son chose a girl, it means she deserves him. I don’t understand those mothers-in-law who consider their daughters-in-law unworthy of their sons. Of course, anything can happen in life. But if a young family lives peacefully and happily, why interfere and create conflict situations.

I also don’t understand when some do it for no apparent reason. It doesn’t take much intelligence to come out of anger, but to step over petty jealousy and rise above this requires fortitude.

And if a conflict has already arisen and continues for a long time, a man must intervene so as not to destroy his own family. In this case, young people need to learn to build their personal boundaries, the boundaries of their family. And the son can firmly and clearly tell his mother: “Mom, I love you very much, but this is our family and we will solve our problems with my wife.”

Otherwise, situations may arise that I will write about next time. Subscribe to updates so you don't miss the most interesting things.

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According to statistics, a third of divorces occur due to constant interference in the family life of a mother-in-law or mother-in-law (fathers-in-law and fathers-in-law usually maintain neutrality). “Second mothers” are convinced that they act for the benefit of their child. But in fact, they often harm both him and themselves.

Most often, it is the mothers-in-law who bother young people. They explain this with maternal love - they say, who else but them should know what is best for their boy. However, psychologists believe that a woman’s jealousy is almost always present in a mother’s love for her son, because her dear boy went to another woman and completely forgot about his mother. Doesn't call, doesn't come to visit, doesn't change burnt out light bulbs. Who is to blame for this? Of course the snake is the daughter-in-law. She does everything possible to separate her son from his parents. That is why 2/3 of mothers-in-law, to put it mildly, do not like their daughters-in-law, blaming them for everything - that they do not feed their husbands porridge in the morning (“She just needs to sleep, lazy woman”), they do not know how to cook, clean, wash, educate and treat children, but they only know how to spend their husband’s money on all sorts of nonsense.

But not only do mothers-in-law not feel ardent love for their daughters-in-law, they also often try to divorce their son from his wife. Cambridge University psychologist Terry Apter believes that every second mother-in-law experiences inner satisfaction if serious disagreements arise in her son's family. She immediately turns the situation to her advantage: she surrounds the “poor boy” with care and attention, prepares pickles for him, does not demand anything and does not lecture him. And the “poor boy” may become so enamored that he does not want to return to his wife and children. Moreover, my mother reassures me: “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone else, you’ll have more children.”

The situation with mother-in-law is different: only one out of 20 women is happy when their daughter’s marriage breaks up. And then if the son-in-law has seriously committed a crime, for example, he is addicted to drugs, alcohol or raised his hand to his wife. In other cases, the mother-in-law does not want a divorce, realizing that it is not easy for a daughter to raise children alone.

However, there are many exceptions to any rule. The mother-in-law can also “drink blood,” especially if she is lonely. Then jealousy, selfishness, and sometimes even envy: psychologists believe that single aging women can unconsciously envy daughters who have a strong family, and endlessly find fault with their son-in-law: he earns little and does not provide her daughter with everything she needs, and does not wash his hands when he comes home from work. Although behind these quibbles lies one desire - to have a daughter for sole use.

Mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law are more active in their “subversive activities” if both families - young and old - live together. One house - one battlefield. Most conflicts break out on domestic grounds: they didn’t wash the dishes on time, they didn’t turn down the music, they didn’t approach a crying child.

Character also matters. Most often, powerful, stubborn women, accustomed to command, interfere in the affairs of young people. Perceiving the child as an unreasonable child (even if the “child” is 30-40 years old), they also perceive his half in the same way, demanding from her unconditional submission to the “leader of the pack.” However, it is a big misconception to think that this will benefit their child. Even if a son-in-law or daughter-in-law really does something wrong, even if they have a bunch of shortcomings and don’t really like the “second mother,” the older generation still has no right to constantly interfere in their lives.

An interesting hypothesis was put forward by Finnish scientists. They believe that menopause helps a woman develop good feelings for her son's family. Having come to terms with the fact that she will no longer have her own children, the woman gives all of himself grandchildren.

• Do not resort to other prohibited methods - blackmail and manipulation: “Your wife raised her voice at me, and I immediately my heart hurts", "I feel like a stranger in my own home: your husband is surviving me." By doing so, you will only exacerbate existing problems. In addition, your son or daughter will understand that you are trying to manipulate them, and they won’t like it (and if they actually get heartbroken, they may not believe it).
• Maintain neutrality during family squabbles between your son or daughter. They will quarrel and immediately make up, forgetting the subject of the dispute. You are not. Make it clear that you don’t want to be involved in their conflicts - let them sort it out themselves. Otherwise, you will be blamed for everything later. When you drive a stake between your son and daughter-in-law, daughter and son-in-law, you also drive a stake between you. Yes, you can turn a child against his half, you can even separate them, but will he forgive you later?

Mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law in their selfishness do not think about the possible consequences, but they are capable of destroying the life of their heir and making him unhappy. The price for this could be loneliness and complete oblivion on the part of a son or daughter.

Daria MAKSIMOVA
city ​​"Stoletnik" No. 20, 2013

Source:
You are healthy
Policy of non-interference. interference in the family life of a mother-in-law or mother-in-law (fathers-in-law and fathers-in-law usually maintain neutrality). maternal love. female jealousy.
http://vy-zdorovy.ru/politika-nevmeshatelstva/

Love and jealousy: reflections on how these feelings are interconnected


Most people believe that love and jealousy are closely interconnected, cannot exist without each other and are two sides of the same coin. Along with this, there is an opinion that the all-destructive feeling of jealousy has nothing to do with creative and resurrecting love. Who is right and where is the “golden mean” in this matter? Let's try to figure it out.

Most psychologists and ordinary people believe that these two feelings go through life hand in hand and cannot exist without each other. These are Siamese twins that cannot be separated. Why did this opinion arise? A series of observations will allow you to draw the same conclusion.

• Have you ever been jealous of someone else's man who is completely indifferent to you? Funny, is not it? Indeed, you only begin to be jealous of your loved one.
• Love strives with all its being to create a family, and jealousy is nothing more than the desire for you to be the only beloved woman for your man.
• When you love, in a fit of tenderness you say the word “MY” to your beloved, that is, you recognize him as yours. Isn't jealousy the same thing? This is a common sense of ownership that is characteristic of every person. And if someone tries to steal this property, it would be quite normal to put the rival in her place.
• Love not only for a man is always associated with stings of painful jealousy: weren’t you jealous of your girlfriend’s other girls at school? Were you pleased when your mother paid more attention to other children? What about the jealousy of a mother-in-law towards her daughter-in-law or a mother-in-law towards her son-in-law? There are many examples of jealousy, and they will all go hand in hand with a feeling of love for a loved one and a reluctance to share him with others.

Are you really going to say after all this that jealousy has nothing to do with love? Indeed, there is such a point of view. Shall we listen?

What makes pundits claim that jealousy has nothing to do with love? They are too different, these two feelings, in many of their indicators and manifestations.

After such arguments, it is difficult to agree that love and jealousy are so closely interrelated. How to find a compromise?