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Is it possible to save a relationship if husband and wife look in different directions? Relationship between husband and wife Friends of good communication.
When considering what a husband and wife should be like, many are inclined to think that for harmonious relationships in the family, a man and a woman must have similar qualities and common interests. Others are sure that it is opposites, like two halves of one whole, that come together, and the result is a harmonious unity. This often results in confusion and misunderstanding. If there is a conflict in the family, we often say that the reason lies in the fact that they are completely different people, and in other cases we look for the reason that the couple does not have common interests. To create a strong family, it is important to understand what should be common between a man and a woman, and what may differ.
Balance between commonality and difference
In fact, having some kind of commonality on certain issues is just as important as having a difference of interests and views. The only problem is how to determine for yourself where it is actually important to think alike and where it is not. Most psychologists believe that for good relationships people need to have common views on basic issues related to life values. And less important things can and should be different, as this will bring new, bright, light and cheerful shades into your life. In this article we will focus more on relationships between spouses, present or future.
General, basic values
Differences between spouses that strengthen marriage
Professions of the spouses. Different professions of spouses increase the knowledge of each party and thereby improve the quality of interaction between husband and wife
Hobby. From time immemorial, men and women had their own activities, which later transformed into hobbies. Women like to do embroidery, and men like to go fishing.
Temperaments.
The ardor of one spouse is extinguished by the calmness of the other Character traits.
By nature, men and women are different, and they react differently to certain things and thereby bring different emotions and colors into the relationship, which helps to diversify the routine.
Common views, different interests, same values and different characters
– all this harmonizes, complements and enriches family life. It is important to be able to accept each other as we are, gently struggling with shortcomings, but at the same time always strive to find a compromise, be the first to ask for forgiveness and not be overwhelmed by your dissatisfaction, and if not share, then at least accept your partner’s hobbies.
If you tune the violin of married life to one wavelength, it will play the beautiful music of love and understanding.
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Formally, a family begins from the moment of marriage, but life together is also influenced by premarital relations - the period of acquaintance and courtship. It is then that the study of each other and mutual gradual adaptation begin. This, of course, does not happen in 2 weeks or 1 month. Getting used to the world of another person, studying his personality takes more time. The duration of this period must be determined consciously, because a marriage union cannot be based only on mutual sympathy. The building of a marriage cannot be laid on loose sand. It is unwise, say, to get married before serving in the army. Let the time of separation be a touchstone for mutual feelings.
People often forget that falling in love and love are different phenomena in many ways. You cannot put an equal sign between them. In most cases, people fall in love not with a person as a person, but with some external characteristics characteristic of him: hair, eyes, legs, smile, timbre of voice, manner of speaking, posture, even the style of clothing. To fall in love, you don't have to know a person thoroughly.
Every person has some vague ideal image of a representative of the other sex hidden in their subconscious.
In most cases, it is a mixture of mom (dad), sisters (brothers), first teachers, theater and film artists, and who knows who else. When falling in love, they find in representatives of the other sex traits characteristic of this image created by fantasy. However, in the future it may turn out that the object of love does not at all correspond to the ideal image, and, flashing like lightning, the attraction passes. In addition, an unclear ideal image can coincide, combine with the object of love, and then a more serious and lasting attraction is born, which can proceed without violent love. There are often cases when people who have been working together for a long time suddenly notice that they seem to be made for each other.
The basis of marriage in modern times is considered to be sexual love, a deep attraction to a specific representative of the sex. It is extremely rare that this feeling in its original form continues throughout life.
Over the years, feelings are inevitably wasted. The content of life consists of work, duties, responsibilities, worries, difficulties and, of course, joys. To overcome all this together (together), to be a support for each other, to take care of the new generation - this is marriage. A harmonious family does not arise by itself; it requires mutual respect in the interests of health, especially mental health, of both parents and children. If they don’t understand this or don’t want to understand, then quarrels, discontent, constant bickering begin, resulting in neuroses, reproaches, accusations and, finally, divorce. A new marriage sometimes turns out the same way as the previous one, and sometimes it’s better if the person has gained some sense. You need to learn to live in marriage.
Most family conflicts arise due to the fact that the husband and wife do not know each other’s mental characteristics, which are explained by biological (physiological, hormonal) as well as social (traditions, upbringing, role in the family) reasons. These differences are normal, and should not be treated as deviations from the norm.
In general, men are characterized by abstract, theoretical thinking, which is little influenced by feelings. Men are relatively easily able to not be influenced by mood and unimportant factors when making decisions. Therefore, on the one hand, in many cases it would be more correct for the wife to leave her husband the right to resolve complex issues that require foresight, critical attitude and objectivity. On the other hand, the husband often lacks diplomacy, sensitivity and kindness when solving intra-family problems, when theorizing and a schematic approach can only harm the matter. Men sometimes do not see life behind principles and schemes. In these cases, the wife should be left to make a decision, whose thinking is more concrete, figuratively emotional (more dependent on feelings).
Women find it difficult to overcome spontaneity and “sensual thinking,” especially in relation to other people. They do not always manage to look at themselves and others from the outside. A frequent manifestation of women's bias is the attitude towards their children, in whom they see non-existent talent or kindness, that is, what they want to see. At the same time, the female way of thinking allows you to better navigate relationships with children, relatives, friends and acquaintances. In most cases, the wife in the family is a better psychologist than the husband, and therefore, in a conflict situation, other family members, as a rule, take the wife’s side. A reasonable husband calmly entrusts the solution of family problems to his wife, quietly encouraging her independence and activity; he himself, of course, also has to take into account her opinion.
Men are characterized by ardor, range and variability of feelings, but their activity, love of life, capacity for affection, kindness and simplicity can sometimes be the cause of family quarrels. Women should keep in mind that in the ardor and scope of men's feelings, not only their strength is hidden, but also their weakness. Violent feelings make a man passionate; strong feelings do not last long and can soon change. Men themselves must learn to manage their feelings, regulate and curb them. Insane temperament is a very serious male flaw, which can cause suffering not only to himself, but also to women close to him.
With women's feelings the situation is even more complicated. Men complain both about their excessive emotionality, and about coldness and restraint, and sometimes about both at once
Women are supposedly impossible to understand at all, but in reality there is nothing impossible or incomprehensible here. Women's feelings are less stormy and passionate than men's, but more constant and deeper. Women are superior to men in the subtlety, complexity of feelings and the richness of their shades. The depth, constancy, variety and richness of shades of feelings cannot manifest themselves violently, but any man can understand these feelings if he sincerely loves a woman. The prevailing emotional atmosphere in the family primarily depends on the woman: joyful and optimistic or depressing and pessimistic.
It may seem to a husband that some trifle spoils his wife’s mood, makes her cry or makes her angry. However, one fine day it turns out that the trifle turned out to be the surface of the iceberg, a warning about an approaching misfortune or serious trials that the husband had not yet noticed, but the wife had already narrated. Therefore, husbands should trust their wives' instincts. Women foresee better than husbands assume.
Maternal and paternal feelings are different. Motherly feelings and love contain more shades. Mothers feel better about younger children, while men have stronger contacts with older children. Knowing this, you can avoid unnecessary competition in raising and influencing children. Role qualities are also different for men and women. Most believe that a lack of willpower is a greater vice for men than for women. A man is capable of using his stronger will to harm himself, turning into a ruler, worse than a tyrant. A father of a family with a strong will must have self-criticism, otherwise the family ship may run aground.
Women in general have a weaker will in comparison with men, which is why men are given certain privileges both in public and family life. A woman’s willpower is not always clearly expressed, and in some ways she is indeed inferior to a man, but if a woman considers something very important for herself and her family, she is able to defend hers.
General activity in men is greater than in women. They are more active and sit still less. This is one of the reasons why more accidents occur with boys and men than with girls and women. Men are more drawn to everything new and to change impressions. It happens that a man exchanges the old good for the new bad, causing harm to both himself and his loved ones. A man needs change from time to time, but it doesn’t have to involve his family. Women should take this feature into account and create a field of activity for them both in the family and in public life, without fettering their initiative, but directing it in a certain direction: continuing their studies, mastering a new or additional profession, sports, hunting, fishing, traveling during a joint vacation, some hobby, important, significant events in the household, etc. All this will allow you to use the activity of your husband (as well as your son) for his own benefit and the benefit of the family and avoid any complications. This would not have been possible with orders and prohibitions.
The activity of men is probably due to their desire for independence. After all, it is known with what resentment boys and men react when they are even jokingly called a mama’s boy or a wife’s husband. Excessive restrictions on a man’s freedom usually turn him away from caring about family affairs and lead to hidden hostility or even hatred.
Men's subconscious love for independence requires them to have a well-developed sense of discipline and the ability to self-restraint. A woman must not only take this desire into account, but also discipline it and instill a sense of duty to her family.
Thus, the cause of disagreements in the family may be the desire of one of the spouses, often the wife, to be together in their free time, or vice versa, sometimes to go alone to chat with friends. There is nothing out of the ordinary or bad about this. This should not cause offense. There are purely feminine and purely masculine topics, which are usually discussed in purely male or female companies. However, taken-for-granted freedom cannot, of course, be abused. Otherwise, it may happen that everyone begins to move in their own orbit, moving away from each other, opening the way to successive alienation and ultimately to divorce.
The character of an adult man is more static, less flexible, more angular than that of a woman, changes less over the years and is more difficult to influence from the outside. Therefore, men are more constant in the desire for change, in the love of independence, etc. However, this can sometimes turn out to be an obstacle to a man’s successful adaptation in family life (and even in the work community). Naturally, it is also more difficult for others to adapt to his character. Not every wife is capable of this, and not every wife can demand this from everyone.
It is indeed quite difficult for a man to change his character. He should have taken this into account. My wife can help. It is hopeless to try to quickly re-educate your husband, to understand him better, to get used to at least some aspects of his character. You can change your husband gradually and not by categorical demands, but by tactfully and carefully guiding him. Only a wife can influence a husband in this way, that is, the wife herself must raise a husband for herself. We can also say with confidence that the sons of a woman who has coped with this task will grow into worthy men.
Women are less active than men, so they are more patient and careful. The desire of women to create and preserve traditions is well known, however, activity prompted by feelings can also acquire unusual strength. The distribution of household chores and responsibilities among husband, wife and children according to their individual activities is in all respects a wise and beneficial undertaking.
Ignoring by a husband of his wife’s purely feminine qualities can lead to problems in the family. Mutual respect contributes to the creation of a family that is more dynamic, strong, and capable of taking care of the spiritual and material values acquired together.
Men often perceive the flexibility of a woman's personality as a flaw, a sign of weakness of character. Young people with little life experience are often surprised how many women “without character” there are in their lives. In reality, the matter here is completely different. Flexibility, the ability to adapt to any character is one of the most important, necessary qualities of women. Smart men value and respect their wives precisely for this “weakness” and “softness”. This apparent weakness of a woman is actually one of her strengths.
And finally, another feature of the female psyche, knowledge of which is important for any man. In contrast to men, who highly value the attractiveness and charm of women, the latter are less demanding with regard to the external beauty of men. They value more the inner beauty and intellectual harmony of a man, spiritual charm.
Do not think that the above descriptions of men and women fully apply to all men and women. Here we are dealing with a generalization. Each person is individual and unique. Studying and taking into account the characterological characteristics of a spouse is one of the most important prerequisites for a harmonious marriage.
Husband and wife are brought up in different families; those entering into marriage have different upbringings, manners and habits. This does not bother lovers. This is discovered later. In marriage, differences are gradually leveled out. Spouses who have lived together for many years even outwardly become similar to each other. There are several hypotheses to explain this phenomenon, but the same concepts and ideas that have developed over time play an important role. If a husband and wife laugh, frown or get angry for the same reason, then it is not surprising that their facial expressions, folds and wrinkles are the same. This is where the external resemblance comes from.
A woman’s nervous system is more mobile and more closely connected with various biological functions of the body than a man’s. While expecting a child and during menopause, she is easily irritable, excitable and touchy, and during menstruation she needs tenderness and attention.
A harmonious marriage does not tolerate insincerity, lies and deception. By the way, silence is sometimes akin to lying. Lies and deception can poison the home atmosphere for a long time, sometimes forever. Before you do something that you don’t have the courage to talk about at home, you should think - what if your spouse also behaves this way? Sometimes, however, they say that for the sake of domestic peace, a small lie is allowed. Maybe, but a lie is still a lie. Any deception alienates spouses from each other and causes mistrust, which is difficult or impossible to regain. And suspicion and surveillance of each other indicate that the marriage is bursting at the seams and has become hassle and torment for the spouses. The bitter truth is in all cases better than a sweet lie. In a harmonious marriage there should be no situation in which the spouses would have to hurt each other, that’s why it is harmonious.
Under no circumstances should there be disagreements in the upbringing of children, because children suffer the most from this. Parents should understand from the very beginning what they want their children to be like in the future (without unnecessary flights of fancy) and subsequently act together. In this case, there will be no misunderstandings or mutual reproaches between them. Each next step in a child’s development should bring joy to both mother and father. That's how it should be.
Willard F. Harley
FAMILY LAWS
LIFE
MOSCOW
"PROTESTANT"
BBK 86.3
Translation from English by Yu.A. Tsygankova
Willard F. Harley
Laws of family life.- M.: Protestant, 1992.-
ISBN 5-85770-012-4
The book is intended for a wide range of readers.
BBK 86.3
ISBN 5-85770-005-1© Protestant Publishing House, 1992
Chapter 1
HOW STRONG IS YOUR MARRIAGE?
I would like to appeal to married couples who strive for a happy life together. Regardless of whether you have just started your life, whether you have lived together long enough, whether you consider your marriage successful or not, whether one of you has cheated on the other or not - you can build or restore your marital relationship if you learn to be aware and meet each other's needs.
This may seem simple enough and you might ask, “What’s so complicated about that?” But marital relationships are complex relationships. Let's see what they include.
When a man and woman get married, they have high hopes. They devote themselves to meeting each other's large and deeply personal needs. Everyone agrees to renounce any other people, giving their spouse the exclusive right to satisfy some of their own, deeply personal needs. This does not mean that all needs should be met by the spouse. But there are some basic needs that most of us firmly reserve for married life. Most people meet these special needs in marriage.
For example, when a husband decides to recognize the exclusivity of his relationship with his wife, he begins to depend on her to satisfy his sexual needs. And if his wife completely succeeds in doing this, the husband finds in her a constant source of deep pleasure, and his love increases. However, otherwise the husband begins to be disappointed in his wife. If dissatisfaction persists, then he may come to the conclusion that his wife does not like sexual relations, and will try to somehow make up for this deficiency in other ways. However, his strong need for sexual relations remains unsatisfied. Since he reserved this need for his wife, then as a result he has to choose between dissatisfaction in his sexual life and adultery. Some husbands never go for the latter and spend years trying to get the best out of their marriage. Many, on the contrary, succumb to the temptation to engage in extramarital affairs. I have spoken with many such spouses in my consultations.
Husband and wife have different needs
Obviously, any marriage includes other important aspects, not just the need for sexual intimacy. During the consultations, I identified five basic needs, the fulfillment of which husbands expect from their wives, and wives from their husbands. When I have helped literally thousands of couples resolve their marital problems, these ten needs have often been the center of contention. Although each person may view their needs differently, I was struck by the consistency with which these two sets of five categories kept coming to the surface.
Five basic needs of a man in marriage:
1) sexual satisfaction, 2) holiday companion, 3) attractive wife, 4) housekeeping, 5) admiration.
Five basic needs of a woman in marriage:
1) attractiveness, 2) opportunity to talk, 3) honesty and openness, 4) financial support, 5) dedication to family.
These categories can be refracted differently for different people. Some men and women will say quite sincerely that they do not need the fulfillment of this or that need. Some people will feel that the need they need to satisfy for their spouse is much more necessary for themselves. Long experience has convinced me, however, that the vast majority of people of each sex agree, when it comes to marital relationships, that the needs I have listed are their deepest needs.
If the needs of men and women are so different, then it is not surprising that people have difficulty adjusting to married life. A husband may have good intentions to meet his wife's needs, but if he believes that her needs are similar to his own, he will fail. Conversely, failure will befall women who believe that men like the same affectionate attitude that they themselves enjoy so much.
Often, the failure of men and women to meet marital needs is due simply to ignorance of each other's needs, and not to a selfish reluctance to provide attention to their spouse. It doesn’t mean at all that, in satisfying your spouse’s needs, you should gnash your teeth doing something that you don’t like at all. This means that you must prepare to meet those needs that you yourself do not experience. By trying to understand your spouse as a completely different person from you, you can become, if you choose, an expert in meeting all of the person's marital needs.
In marriages in which the needs of the spouses are not being met, I have seen a disturbing situation that strikes me when the spouses consistently chose the same way to satisfy their own unmet needs - extramarital affairs. People are surprisingly persistent in pursuing extramarital affairs, despite their strong moral or religious convictions. Why? As soon as the spouse does not find satisfaction in any of these five needs, he has a thirst that needs to be quenched. And if marital relationships do not change for the better, then a person has a strong temptation to find satisfaction of this need outside of marriage.
To make our marriages indissoluble, we cannot bury our heads in the sand like ostriches. A person who believes that his or her partner, despite unmet needs, will “never cheat” may someday suffer a severe blow. To prevent this from happening, we strive to spot the warning signs of possible adultery. We must know how this betrayal can begin and how we can strengthen the weak positions of the marriage in order to prevent betrayal.
Willard F. Harley
FAMILY LAWS
LIFE
MOSCOW
"PROTESTANT"
BBK 86.3
Translation from English by Yu.A. Tsygankova
Willard F. Harley
Laws of family life.- M.: Protestant, 1992.-
ISBN 5-85770-012-4
The book is intended for a wide range of readers.
BBK 86.3
ISBN 5-85770-005-1© Protestant Publishing House, 1992
Chapter 1
HOW STRONG IS YOUR MARRIAGE?
I would like to appeal to married couples who strive for a happy life together. Regardless of whether you have just started your life, whether you have lived together long enough, whether you consider your marriage successful or not, whether one of you has cheated on the other or not - you can build or restore your marital relationship if you learn to be aware and meet each other's needs.
This may seem simple enough and you might ask, “What’s so complicated about that?” But marital relationships are complex relationships. Let's see what they include.
When a man and woman get married, they have high hopes. They devote themselves to meeting each other's large and deeply personal needs. Everyone agrees to renounce any other people, giving their spouse the exclusive right to satisfy some of their own, deeply personal needs. This does not mean that all needs should be met by the spouse. But there are some basic needs that most of us firmly reserve for married life. Most people meet these special needs in marriage.
For example, when a husband decides to recognize the exclusivity of his relationship with his wife, he begins to depend on her to satisfy his sexual needs. And if his wife completely succeeds in doing this, the husband finds in her a constant source of deep pleasure, and his love increases. However, otherwise the husband begins to be disappointed in his wife. If dissatisfaction persists, then he may come to the conclusion that his wife does not like sexual relations, and will try to somehow make up for this deficiency in other ways. However, his strong need for sexual relations remains unsatisfied. Since he reserved this need for his wife, then as a result he has to choose between dissatisfaction in his sexual life and adultery. Some husbands never go for the latter and spend years trying to get the best out of their marriage. Many, on the contrary, succumb to the temptation to engage in extramarital affairs. I have spoken with many such spouses in my consultations.
Why is cheating so tempting?
Cheating is when two people enter into an extramarital relationship that involves sexual intimacy and a mutual experience of deep love. In this definition we did not include mutual affection that is not associated with sexual relations, as well as sexual relations that are not associated with feelings of love. While these types of relationships can also cause deep problems in a marriage, in my experience they are much easier to deal with than cheating. Relationships that involve sex (usually very passionate) and true love threaten the very foundations of marriage due to the fact that people who engage in extramarital affairs feel true intimacy and they satisfy at least one person in their relationship. of the needs that should actually be satisfied by the spouse. In most cases, when one spouse accuses the other of cheating, the marriage breaks down.
Chapter 2
After the honeymoon
The first year of marriage is extremely happy. Without even thinking about it, John and Mary satisfy each other's basic needs completely. John remains gentle and caring, as he was during the courtship. Mary responds to him with feeling as they make love. They spend a lot of time together and share their dreams and hopes with each other. Mary takes tennis lessons so she can relax with John the way he wants.
Mary knows that she can rely on John because he is sincere in everything. John is proud to have an attractive wife and is especially pleased with the way she manages the house while also working part time as a secretary. John makes quite a lot of money working as a computer technician. She and Mary decided that she should work as much as she wanted.
Mary feels strong around John, who enjoys being at home with his family. She is proud of John and tells him so often.
What happens to each spouse's account in the Bank of Love during the first year of their marital joys? What's interesting is that John and Mary aren't increasing their scores at the same rate as they used to, largely because they're getting into a lot of different relationships than they were dating. Now they are together both when they feel good and when they feel bad. Deposits and withdrawals from their Love Banks are made according to their shared joys and misfortunes in life.
Over the course of several years, their bank accounts with each other continue to grow steadily. On their fifth marriage anniversary, John still feels that he is still in love with Mary and she feels the same way about him. They decide to have a child, and in their sixth year little Tiffany appears.
Big changes are happening in the life of this family. Mary is still a joy in John's life, but he notices an increase in unpleasantness. While Tiffany is still small, and John loves her dearly, she still creates new demands and causes negative emotions. John doesn't like it at all when she wakes him up at night, and because Mary doesn't want to hire a nanny, John has to walk his daughter and bottle feed her. In addition, it is difficult for Mary because she has to lose weight after gaining weight while pregnant.
As a result of all these difficulties, Mary's account in John's Love Bank drops by approximately 100 units per year. However, Mary's score is still quite large since the loss is not very significant and John feels deep love for her.
By the time Tiffany is two years old, Mary is losing her peace. She wants to get a job as a secretary. She is career-oriented and doesn't want to wait until all their children grow up and get married. She asks John if he would mind if she went back to college, got her bachelor's degree, and maybe then got her master's.
It will take me six years to study, explains Mary, but I will no longer work as a secretary to take care of a child during the day and study most of the evening.
John enthusiastically agrees with her idea. He already earns a fairly stable income, and they no longer need the money that Mary receives for her secretarial work. He offers to babysit when Mary goes to school and when she needs time to do housework.
This is the situation where people like John and Mary very often find themselves in my consultation. The husband wants to end the marital relationship due to increasing pressure at home. The wife wants her husband to break up with another woman because this relationship literally infuriates her. Often, by this point, the husband’s mistress is already tired of maintaining dignity and calm. She forces her lover to divorce his wife and marry her. The problem is that the errant spouse - in this case the husband - cannot bring himself to break up with any of these women. The mistress continues to satisfy one part of his needs, and the wife continues to satisfy the other. He is like Buridan's donkey starving between two haystacks because he cannot decide which haystack to approach first and tries to do both at the same time.
Sometimes I can help in such cases, and sometimes not. It depends on whether the errant spouse and his mistress can be permanently separated, and on whether the spouses can learn to meet each other's basic marital needs.
Chapter 3
Sex starts with tenderness
For many years I have not seen anything more destructive to a marriage than adultery, because it destroys the unity of the body of the husband and wife. Unfortunately, most betrayals occur due to a lack of tenderness for the wife or insufficient sexual intimacy for the husband. It turns out to be a vicious circle. The wife feels that she is not being treated with enough affection, so she limits her husband's lovemaking. The husband feels that he lacks sexual intimacy, so it does not even occur to him to show any tenderness.
I see couples all the time caught up in this merry-go-round that leaves their relationship stagnant. I'm trying to get them off this merry-go-round and start building relationships based on mutual caring, and not on the basis of making demands on each other.
Some husbands are not very happy at first when I explain to them that affection is a concomitant of marriage and sex is an event of that marriage. But even the most love-hungry husbands agree that you can't just have sex. You should constantly show affection to each other as it creates the atmosphere of married life and provides a refuge for love relationships.
I am trying hard to make my husband realize that he must be affectionate to his wife outside of sexual relations. I explain that sex can become natural and frequent if there is enough affection in the marriage.
My plan is simple. The husband sets his goal to make tenderness a permanent form of relationship with his wife. He does not turn to tenderness only to make love immediately afterwards. When a husband and wife walk together, a tight hug or kiss should be completely in order. Almost any relationship between husband and wife should include expressions of affection in words or gestures. Do I mean they should be constantly hugging, kissing, or whispering sweet little things to each other? Not at all. But I believe that any marriage should have an atmosphere that says: “I love you, I like you, I truly love you and I know that you love me.”
Women need affection regularly and often at least several times a day. A hug from your husband in the morning before you get out of bed, a kiss from your husband before he leaves for work, a phone call in the afternoon, a card in the mail from time to time, a hug or kiss when you get home, a dinner together or watching a movie on TV - all this creates atmosphere of tenderness.
Sex is a special event. There must be a time and place for it. And under these conditions, tenderness already becomes part of sexual relations.
This is where many husbands get confused: “If I want sex life to be limited to only some special occasions, then what should I do when I am naturally aroused just by looking at my wife?” In counseling husbands, I teach them to discipline their thinking and reorient their behavior so that there is no direct connection between expressions of affection and sexual relations.
For some husbands this is easy. They ask me how they should calm themselves down, and I answer that it would be a good idea to remember how they acted towards their wives when they were just making dates. They showed a lot of tenderness and attention to them. Usually they had dinner somewhere or went, for example, to the cinema or had some other entertainment. Throughout the evening, the young man treated his companion with respect and care. On the way home, they often stopped at the park and enjoyed the beautiful views of nature. He would place his hand on her shoulder and they would enjoy the simple physical sensations that followed.
Many husbands remember those passionate courtship encounters and want to know why their wife doesn't behave the same way now as she did before they were married. I patiently explain that the wife is not behaving this way because her husband is not communicating with her the way he used to. Does a husband really think that marriage immediately eliminates a woman’s need for affection? A man must carefully and diligently continue to show attention and tenderness in his married life, as he did when he first went on dates with his future wife. This seems too simple for most men. They think I'm just blaming them for not being romantic enough, and they say to me, "Don't you know that romance is completely impractical and unnecessary when you're already married?"
I answer that I don't know. In fact, I suggest that they do the exact opposite of what they are doing, abandoning romance and thereby creating genuine problems for themselves. Wives with whom their husbands communicate without romance are already ready for adultery.
Why? In most cases, in order for a woman to make love with a man with desire, she needs a feeling of unity of spirit. A married couple achieves this through expressions of affection over a period of time. The wife's need for unity of spirit helps to understand how cheating occurs. A woman can experience physical unity with a man only after she has felt affection towards herself. But tenderness should come before sex.
In a typical case of adultery, a woman makes love to a man after he has shown his love and affection for her. Because the lover takes such care of her, physical union is usually characterized by a high degree of pleasure, which was previously unknown to the woman during married life.
All this inevitably makes adultery a forbidden fruit, and a fruit more attractive than any marital relationship can imagine. In fact, any marriage will be resistant to betrayal if there is deep unity of spirit in it.
Husbands will have no problem encouraging their wives to make love if they have first laid the foundation by being affectionate. When you encounter a marriage that has these problems, you need to look for the lack of strong foundations in that marriage. Without an atmosphere of tenderness, sex life will not be pleasant for a woman, and very often she is simply forced to agree to make love to a man, without even feeling that she will be pleased. However, the circumstances of cheating on one's husband are such that they guarantee the pleasure derived from tenderness and care. The lover takes the time to create the right atmosphere. Consequently, a woman becomes aroused just by the thought of him.
In most of the couples I meet in counseling, the woman craves affection. I'm trying to help my husband see that tenderness is more meaningful to his wife than anything else he can imagine. A woman experiences disproportionate pleasure from the sensations she receives through expressions of tenderness. Although these sensations are not the same as those she feels during sexual arousal or lovemaking, they are a vital part of the relationship because without them, a woman usually cannot get what she needs during lovemaking.
Many husbands know nothing about this. They believe that since they can do without tenderness, then so can women. Many women make love simply by consciously deciding to become aroused. Usually this is a forced decision.
In counseling wives, I usually have no difficulty in encouraging them to make more love to their husbands. For a woman, making love is more of a conscious decision than a physical need. Husbands who do not recognize a woman's basic need are often puzzled when their wives suddenly become responsive to their needs as a result of talking to me. They suspect that I used some kind of charm or technique that they lack. They often ask me, “What did you tell her?”
Just as women prefer their husbands' tenderness to be spontaneous, spontaneous, rather than learned, so husbands want their wives' responsiveness in lovemaking to be spontaneous. You need to understand that meeting each other's needs is rarely a spontaneous, natural process. You need to learn a new way of behavior. However, I must add that I find it much easier to convince a woman to make love to her husband if he at least makes some effort to be affectionate.
Women have the right to choose when it comes to love, but when tenderness is shown to them, they do not resist it at all, because, in all likelihood, tenderness is their deepest need. As I describe their need for affection, I urge husbands to show it. But this is just one side of the matter. Everything I have said here will be of no value if the woman does not realize that her husband has an equally deep need for lovemaking. In the next chapter, I will try to explain to women that for men, sex is not one of the ways to end the evening, but is necessary like air or water. Sex is not a matter of choice for them.
If a wife cannot understand the depth of this man's need, then she will have to have a tense relationship with her disappointed husband. In the worst case, he will start looking for someone on the side and, which is already quite tragic, he can very easily find someone to replace his wife. All this will not happen if the husband learns to show tenderness to his wife, and she will be more willing to respond to his calls to make love. As Harley's first law of married life says.
Questions for my husband
1. Using a 10-point scale, where 10 points means “very gentle,” determine how gentle you are towards your wife, and also how many points she would rate you.
2. Is tenderness the atmosphere in your marriage?
3. Have you in the past tried to time your displays of affection with sexual arousal? Why didn't this work?
4. In what special ways do you show affection to your wife?
5. Do you want your wife to teach you how to show affection?
Questions for my wife
1. Is tenderness as important to you as this chapter says?
2. If you do not receive enough affection from your husband, do you want to forget about your pride and humbly teach him how to show affection?
3. Will it be easier for you to make love if you feel that your husband is sincerely interested in you and is affectionate towards you?
For shared reflection
1. Do we need to talk about showing affection? If so, what exactly should we discuss?
2. Is there enough tenderness in our marriage relationships? What examples of this can we give?
3. How can we show affection? What is pleasant for both of us?
Chapter 4
What is the difference?
How do men differ from women in their sexual desires and in their awareness of their sex life?
Over the years, I have collected approximately 15 thousand questionnaires from my clients about their sexual history. From these surveys it becomes clear that almost all men engage in masturbation, and many begin to engage in this at a fairly young age (from 8 to 10 years). Women start doing this much later, often in their late teens or early 20s. In addition, half of the women we surveyed had never engaged in masturbation. The first contacts between men and women occur at approximately the same age (between 13 and 16 years), but their attitudes towards these contacts differ significantly. Almost every man testifies that he enjoyed his first sexual intercourse, and most women say that they were disappointed.
I believe that at least part of this controversy lies in the reasons why boys and girls have sexual intercourse for the first time. Boys mostly motivate this by strong sexual desire and their impressions of masturbation, while girls come to their first sexual intercourse without any background. Many of them don't know what to expect. Their behavior is mainly motivated by the desire to please their dates or by curiosity: “Why do they talk so much about sex?” But they do not feel an urgent need for sexual satisfaction.
This discrepancy in sexual life and experience is the root of many marital problems even in our time when it seems that the period of sexual freedom and sex education has already arrived. Young men and women meet in marriage, being at opposite poles. The husband has more sexual experience and strong motivation in sexual desires, and the wife has less (much less) experience and weak motivation (and sometimes she is simply naive about these things). Moreover, the husband's experience is subconscious, almost automatic, and the husband does not even usually understand that women must learn this. He is not ready to teach his wife how to experience sexual pleasure. He simply knows how much he loves her and assumes that pleasure for him is at least pleasure for her. Most young spouses soon discover the falsity of this assumption. It turns out that the sexual pleasure that husbands experienced makes much less sense to their wives. For many men, this becomes a source of disappointment.
Questions for the wife
a) Attraction;
b) Excitement;
c) Orgasm;
d) Calm.
2. If you score very low on all four of these levels, what do you think is the problem? Does it lie in your spouse or in both of you?
3. What did you learn about your husband's love needs from reading this chapter?
Questions for your husband
1. What do you think your wife would say to a doctor if she approached him about your desires and ability to make love?
2. How would you describe your lovemaking? They: 1) satisfy you, 2) you get variable satisfaction, 3) you miss them.
3. According to the author of this book, a woman is aroused by the tenderness and attention, warmth and care, as well as sensitivity of her husband. Are these qualities that you constantly try to exhibit towards your wife? What do you think your wife would say in response to this question?
For shared reflection
1. Are we both satisfied with sexual relations? If not, at what levels are we experiencing problems and how can we change the situation?
2. Should we start studying some kind of marriage manual?
3. According to the author, marital relations are a conditional union. If I do not satisfy my wife’s needs, and she does not try to satisfy mine, then our marriage will be purely formal and we will not know the happiness and completeness of a marital relationship that they can give. Do you agree with this? Share your thoughts with each other about this statement.
4. Do we use the “golden rule” when it comes to tenderness and love?
Chapter 5
Why is communication so important?
When you study the ten basic needs of men and women, you see that they are all closely interconnected. Because of this, failure to meet one of your spouse's needs may also affect your ability to meet another of their needs. Suppose you are trying to satisfy your spouse's need for sexual relations and affection, but do not use verbal communication to do this. Without conversation, it is impossible to create a warm atmosphere or deep physical community between spouses. Some people mistakenly believe that they can perform their marital responsibilities separately. A wife whose husband wants to talk may think that she would be better off finding a friend to talk to instead; And the relationship with your spouse in lovemaking will be normal at first. But the problem is that as a result, the marital relationship is undermined, and the wife loses contact with her husband in the sphere of communication. Deep inside herself, she knows that unity with him is only possible when he talks to her.
George, let's talk.
What do you want to talk to me about?
Such an innocent question angers most women because it shows how little a man realizes that communication is a woman's deepest need. Perhaps the husband could understand the depth of Mary's irritation if the conversation went something like this:
Mary, let's make love?
Why, George? Do you really want another child?
Using the second dialogue as an example, we can realize how ridiculous George's question about the subject of the woman's conversation seems. And at the same time, many typical husbands very often enter into dialogues similar to the first. Why? I think it's because they don't understand how their wives approach communication.
Just as George needs the pleasures of lovemaking, Mary needs companionship. And like most women, it gives her a sense of romantic love for George as she can share her life deeply with her husband. The atmosphere created by communication contributes to happiness. A husband who takes time to talk to his wife opens a door to her heart.
George views communication primarily as a means to an end, rather than an end in itself. If he wants to find out why their Bank account has declined so quickly, he will find an opportunity to talk to Mary, but he will not discuss with her what the bank teller was wearing.
Women also understand that communication can be carried out for some practical purposes. But sometimes it is very difficult for them to explain to a man that pleasure in a conversation can be obtained not only from the topic of conversation. Conversations satisfy the need to create a warm atmosphere that a woman needs, but conversations also help spouses: 1) share their needs with each other; 2) learn how to meet each other's needs.
When a husband and wife engage in a conversation that conveys this type of information about their needs, they learn to be more compatible. They should share their feelings and reactions. To start this conversation, ask your spouse what he or she is thinking or feeling. You can start the conversation with questions like: “Why are you in such a good mood today?” Or: “What made you mad today?” Then tell your spouse about yourself, what you liked today and what annoyed you.
When you share this type of information, you will better understand what is going on in your spouse's world and his or her reactions to situations in which you both are involved. If something I do has a negative impact on my wife, then I should know how to eliminate this aspect of my behavior or how to act so that she is pleased. And vice versa, if I do something right, I also need to know it in order to continue these actions or strengthen them even more. The importance of these conversations cannot be underestimated, because even if you do something with the best intentions, it can turn out to be a failure if you do not communicate in this way.
For example, in the early days of our marriage, I bought a game that was intended for husbands and wives to get to know each other better by asking each other questions written on cards. I brought the game home and announced, “Joyce, I have something you’ll like that will help us understand each other better.”
Joyce came to the table and we began to play. It didn't take me long to understand her feelings about the game. After about three minutes, she said, “I think this is an unnatural way to have a conversation. I don't want to play anymore."
Joyce found no pleasure in this game at all. The game seemed far-fetched to her. To understand each other, we needed a different way of communicating.
Here are some points that I have already tried to express.
1. Joyce was sincere enough to tell me her needs. She felt bad and it was caused by my actions. She made it clear to me that I had to change my behavior.
2. I completely unconsciously chose the wrong motivation to start our conversation. Joyce and I had to find a different way to share our feelings with each other. There are many methods that can encourage the initiation of a marital conversation, and each couple must find the one that works best for them.
The Enemies of Good Communication
First, let's look at the enemies of good communication that are keeping your score in your spouse's Love Bank from growing.
1. Using communication to punish each other.
Verbally punishing your spouse takes significant amounts out of your account. You are having a negative impact on the mind or emotions, and this type of punishment usually does much more harm than physical punishment.
I have witnessed cases in which spouses developed a set of phrases that particularly stung each other. As soon as one of the spouses expresses such a phrase, mutual insults begin. Both of them lose control of themselves and express to each other the most offensive expressions that only come to their minds.
In most pre-marital relationships this is usually absent, but in marriage it is impossible to avoid resentment, and over time, the mutual rejection of the spouses due to verbal battles leads them to mutual hatred.
If you are angry or dissatisfied, you will express your feelings by describing what you expect from your spouse. But remember that you cannot punish with words. This makes your spouse even less willing to meet your needs in the future.
2. Using conversation to force the other party to accept your way of thinking.
A lot of conversations in which someone is trying to force their opinion on you are annoying. This person appears to be simply ignoring your right to make a decision. If you want your spouse to understand your feelings, you must express them somehow, but you cannot demand that your spouse lose personal values or his understanding in order to accommodate your feelings.
3. Reasoning about past or present mistakes.
Whether in marital or extramarital relationships, most people really dislike being rejected, criticized, or corrected. If you are told that you made a mistake, then you very often try to justify your failure or blame it on someone else.
At the same time, if someone we care about explains that he or she would like to meet our personal needs, we usually want to help. And when we are not criticized, we express a desire to accommodate others through changes in our behavior.
Errors are difficult to prove. What one person considers a mistake may seem right to another. Failures to meet your spouse's needs become clearer. If my wife Joyce tells me that I don't want to do something she wants, then I have to accept her statement in her estimation. After all, she is the better judge of whether her needs are being met or not. When she makes this statement, she doesn't necessarily mean to criticize me. Instead, she simply reveals to me how my behavior affects her feelings. And my care for her is a gift I offer, not an obligation. If I care about her feelings, I want her to help me learn to behave in a way that meets her needs. But if she demands these changes in my behavior, then she takes my care and attention for granted, and thereby forces me to go on the defensive. The third law of married life says:
Friends of good communication
Now let's look at what promotes good communication and increasing your Love Bank account.
1. Developing interest in your favorite topics of conversation.
In my consulting work, I have found that even the most silent people become talkative when we discuss certain topics. Women may notice that their silent husbands engage in conversation when they meet with their good friends.
I once counseled a couple who were about to divorce because the wife could no longer stand her husband's silence. In my office, alone with me, my husband talked incessantly, but when his wife joined us, he became speechless. He was prompted to talk by certain topics that interested him. Once they were touched upon, he could speak on a wide range of subjects.
Many people need to start a conversation about what makes them talkative. Once these topics are touched upon, you can move on to other, less convenient ones, and keep the conversation going.
2. Balancing the conversation.
In the above case, I asked the husband and wife to engage in ten-minute conversations, allowing each other to talk about half the time. At first, the wife thought that the husband would be completely silent during his time, but as soon as topics that interested him were touched upon, he took up his share of these 10 minutes. That is, the wife was not aware of her habit of interrupting her husband until she was asked to create equality in communication by giving her husband an equal amount of time to talk.
Those who monopolize the conversation create an undesirable habit in their spouses - silence. Therefore, if you want good communication, consider each other's right to talk. It may take your spouse two or three seconds to start a sentence, but give him as much time as necessary. Also, remember to wait until your spouse finishes his thought before expressing his opinion about it.
One of the most valuable uses of marital conversation is to create emotional intimacy. The topic of conversation you choose greatly influences the intimacy of your relationship.
If you're in a superficial relationship, it's probably because you're avoiding conversations that would help you adjust to each other. You can deliberately deceive each other. You may also prevent people from getting to know each other. Or you may simply be afraid to understand your spouse. This common deficiency leads to a serious and destructive process - failure to adapt to each other's needs. If you want a good marriage, then you must spend some time talking to inform your spouse, learn from him and understand him.
Inform each other about your personal interests and affairs, wanting to introduce each other to your area of interest. Remember what you did today, what you are planning for the future, and share your news with each other. Don't keep secrets from your spouse. Explore each other's personal feelings and relationships, and this does not have to lead to attempts to change each other. You can simply learn a lot about each other without expecting your spouse to change. If you criticize or ridicule your spouse's feelings and attitudes, it will be much more difficult for him to communicate in the future. Instead, encourage each other to be open in expressing your respect and your feelings.
“Darling, why do you constantly call me by my last name rather than by my first name?” – the guy is interested. “Oh, I really, really like her,” the girl admits and adds: “I want one for myself.” An unambiguous remark, isn't it? According to statistics, more than 80 percent of women take their husband's surname when getting married. But about 15 percent of brides after the wedding remain with their maiden name, and 5 percent choose a double one.
It’s a strange ratio, considering that in Rus' the wife traditionally bore her husband’s surname, as if to confirm the words “Husband and wife are one Satan.” And even today, according to psychologists, a change of surname seems to prove to the spouse the seriousness of the beloved’s intentions, her mood for a long family life and the desire to be with him “both in sorrow and in joy.”
Nowadays, she has the right to choose, confirmed by law. Article 32 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation states that “spouses, at their own request, choose, upon marriage, the surname of one of them as a common surname, or each of the spouses retains their premarital surname, or, unless otherwise provided by the laws of the constituent entities of the Russian Federation, adds it to their surname the surname of the other spouse.”
But what justifies the choice not in favor of the husband’s surname?
AGE. According to the observations of registry office workers, most often they refuse to change the surname of a mature bride. This is explained by the inevitable difficulties associated with the mandatory change of documents. And there are quite a few of them: passport, TIN, medical policy, insurance, driver’s license, credit cards, and so on.
INVALIDITY of someone else's surname. Would you agree if your future husband bore the last name Durov or Musorenko? Most likely not, thinking that your children, and perhaps your grandchildren, will be Durovs or Musorenkos, which your classmates will certainly laugh at.
However, this is a controversial issue. Suffice it to recall the famous circus dynasty of the Durovs, which gave the world four national artists. In general, to paraphrase a well-known proverb, it is not the name that makes a man. Although many public people think otherwise. So the famous Nastya, who sings in a duet with Potap, became Kamenskaya on her mother’s side, abandoning her father’s surname Zhmur.
GRACE of one's own. These, firstly, include the names of Russian tsars, nobles or natural phenomena: the Romanovs, Obolenskys, Tsvetaevs, Zhemchuzhins, Gromovs and the like. Secondly, these are surnames with endings in -ie or -ich, for example, Volkonsky or Vashkevich.
PRESERVATION OF THE Clan. Today, many are interested in their pedigree, and their surname is perceived not as a line in a questionnaire, but as belonging to a family, because initially the word “surname” itself meant “family, family members.” In The New Dictionary of the Russian Language, edited by T.F. Efremova clarifies:
– A hereditary family name added to a personal name and passed from father to children.
- A series of generations descending from one ancestor.
What if you are the last in your family, and it depends only on you whether the next generations will inherit the surname of their ancestors?
By the way, among the noble families of Russia there are many surnames that are not distinguished by grace. The same Kozlovs are represented by several different families, and the Abolduevs or Obolduevs are representatives of the oldest noble family, dating back to the 17th century.
PROFESSION. If, before the wedding, a girl of a creative profession has already declared herself on stage, on screen, on the podium or in literature, or has achieved success in business, then she is unlikely to easily agree to part with her surname, which has become a certain brand with a sign of quality.
In general, there are many reasons why wives keep their maiden names. What difficulties might they face in the future?
- An explanation to the child, as well as to teachers, doctors and other specialists working with him, why he has one surname, and his father or mother has a different one.
- Problems in traveling abroad with a child, but without a husband, whose last name he bears.
