My homosexual experience. What helped us: The path for real men

Irina Bode 09/02/2016

Other people
Most full analysis homosexual sexual orientation from the point of view of science and medicine

They try to talk about homosexuality delicately, since the topic is quite fertile for terrible battles to break out in the comments to any publication about homosexual and homosocial behavior. On this moment It is not entirely clear which factors determine orientation to a greater extent. Whatever the possible biological and genetic factors, the formation sexual orientation- a very complex and individual process.

What makes it especially poignant is the fact that sexual orientation in some cases can be a variable value and explained by situational factors. Does a single homosexual experience homosexual in his youth? How significant is the impact of such experience on subsequent sex life? Researchers have yet to give clear and supported answers to these questions.

I communicate with my gender. What is wrong with me?

Homosociality, that is, orientation towards social contacts only with the same gender, is not something out of the ordinary, because people tend to sympathize more topics who are similar to themselves. The tendency for close relationships in adolescence, if manifested, is accompanied by a storm of emotions, and because of this, the connection will be stronger than in adulthood. At the same time, homosociality can objectively favor both homosexual contacts and stimulate heterosexual interests: a young man communicating with peers of his own sex receives from them confirmation of his status in society by talking about his “victories” in the field of communication with the opposite sex. It is also interesting that increased interest in one’s own sex is also determined by greater accessibility of the body of a peer of the same sex.

In 1982, a scientist from Portland, Edward Grellert (later he even wrote a book with the telling title “The Origin of Sexual Desire. Possible Mechanism”) and his colleagues conducted a study in which they divided subjects into 4 groups of 198 people each: homosexual and heterosexual men, homo- and heterosexual women. Scientists asked subjects how often they engaged in certain sports and gaming activities at different periods of their lives: 5-8 and 9-13 years. The difference was found not only between heterosexual men and women. Most homosexuals noted a significant deviation from the norms of intergender relations and role divisions in the group. Many studies with similar results have given reason to think that violation of the norms of sex-role relationships in childhood and adolescence may be the cause of developed homosexual tendencies.

Disease or not?

Previously, homosexuality was seen as a disease that could be treated. Moreover, this point of view exists to this day. In America, not so long ago, hundreds of doctors began treatment, providing staggering statistics according to which they cured one in three. Some said that they themselves had previously been homosexuals, but that treatment had now turned them into ordinary family men. A whole movement began, which was called that way - the ex-gay movement. It received significant support from religious communities. The American Psychiatric Association's (APA) refusal to classify homosexuality as a disease in 1973 added fuel to the fire. It is noteworthy that the first organization of the movement was also created in 1973 by three homosexuals. Subsequently, many participants in the movement left it, condemning it in every possible way and apologizing to the LGBT community. The movement advised resorting to reparative therapy, the methodology of which begins with the individual and group counseling and ends with electroconvulsive therapy and aversive therapy.

In fact, treatment in best case scenario did not lead to anything, and at worst ended in suicide. In 2009, the APA issued statements that the treatment was not working and that doctors should no longer offer such services because such therapy was dangerous to a person's health, both psychological and physical. Reports noted that ex-gay groups can help individuals socially and psychologically, that they appear most likely to alleviate the suffering primarily of the organizers themselves, since they live in a state of constant stress due to unresolved conflict between their religious beliefs and sexual attraction. Some participants in the groups actually improved, while others reported depression, anxiety, anger, confusion, worsening relationships with others, suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, and loss of productivity.

Sigmund Freud

Even Sigmund Freud, a famous Austrian psychiatrist, assumed that all people are bisexual from birth, and later their orientation is formed under the influence external factors, that is, hetero- and homosexuality are development options. At the same time, he did not consider homosexuality a disease, and offered corrective treatment, aimed at reducing discomfort due to rejection by society or the patient’s rejection of himself.

It is worth noting that homosexuality was classified as a disease in ICD-9 ( international classification diseases of the ninth revision). She belonged to the group of psychosexual disorders along with a violation of psychosexual individuality, transvestism, and exhibitionism. However, homosexuality was excluded from ICD-10. At the same time, the classification retains the definition of egodystonic homosexuality, when the patient is aware of his sexual orientation, but reacts strongly negatively to it, wants to change it and insists on his own treatment.

Homosexuality was also excluded from the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of mental diseases), and back in 1973. Thus, currently, from the point of view of official classifications, homosexuality is a type of sexual orientation, and not a disease at all. But anxiety disorders, psychological discomfort, mental instability associated with awareness of one’s orientation are already classified as mental illnesses.

Orientation is determined in the womb

There are many skeptical people who argue that it is extremely unlikely that a person's sexuality is determined before birth. However, more and more scientific data, on the contrary, confirm this point of view. An argument against the assertion that homosexuality is formed only under the influence social factors, is the impossibility of curing homosexuality. Neither electroshock, nor hormonal therapy, nor aversion therapy help.

So far, not a single sufficiently convincing study has been conducted that would prove the superiority of the influence of some factors over others. Scientists suggest that orientation is determined by a combination of genetic, hormonal and social factors. Biological theories are now extremely popular, and the list of biological factors may even include the environment of the uterus, in which implantation of the zygote and further development of the embryo occurs.

Thus, when mice experience stress, more individuals are born that are predisposed to homosexuality. Why can't people have the same effect? Indeed, in stressful situations, the hormone cortisol is released, which affects the production of fetal hormones, which may well influence orientation through the hormonal system.

Some independent research groups claim that, according to twin studies, genetic factors can explain up to 25-30% of the differences between homo-, bi- and heterosexual people. A fairly old study from 1993 showed that there is a genetic marker for homosexuality, Xq28, located on the X chromosome. The results of a study conducted on gay brothers showed that among them the concordance (presence of the same specific characteristic) of Xq28 markers was significantly higher than expected by chance, in 64% of cases the markers had a similar appearance. Subsequently, however, a study was conducted that cast doubt on the results obtained and did not confirm the existence of a gene responsible for the development of homosexuality.

In 2012, the results of another long-term study on the causes of male orientation were reported. The data confirmed the 1993 results, that is, the connection between Xq28 and homosexuality. A connection between homosexuality and a marker on the eighth chromosome, gene 8q12, was also found. Scientists noted that, most likely, each of these chromosomes contributes to the development of sexual preferences, but exactly how it is not yet clear.

Some researchers have argued that the male sex of the fetus provokes a maternal immune response that becomes stronger with each subsequent gestation of a male fetus. Thus, the probability of having a gay child increases with each born a boy. A study was also conducted on identical twins where the children were separated immediately after birth. The results showed that if one of them turned out to be gay, then the second with a probability of more than 50% also turned out to be gay.

Barr body, inactivated X chromosome

Epigenetic studies also suggest a connection between a mother and her sons. A woman is a “mosaic”: one of her X chromosomes is “switched off” in each cell, while different chromosomes are switched off in different cells. Inactivation occurs randomly. It is assumed that the shutdown can also occur in the embryo, and in some cases it does not occur by chance. Sven Bocklandt and colleagues reported in 2006 that there was a significant predominance of inactivation of one X chromosome over the other in mothers of gay men.

Are genes to blame?

The top row is the left tonsil, the bottom row is the right. From left to right: heterosexual man, heterosexual woman, homosexual man, homosexual woman.

Several studies using fMRI have revealed differences in the functioning of certain brain structures of heterosexuals and homosexuals: the hypothalamus, thalamus and amygdala. Connections between the amygdala and other parts of the brain are more extensive in heterosexual women and homosexual men. At the same time, the reaction in the prefrontal cortex and thalamus to a female face is stronger in heterosexual men and homosexual women. An inverse correlation is also typical. Such structural and functional differences may arise in early stage development and do not depend on external sociocultural factors, the researchers say.

It turns out that our sexual preferences are formed by genetic and hormonal factors in the womb and social factors at an early age. Multiple studies that began in the early 90s have found that homosexuality is more common among male relatives on the same maternal side.

But at the same time, the opinion about the acquired nature of homosexuality also has confirmation. Often a person himself incorrectly perceives the homosocial orientation in relationships and incorrectly interprets relationships with both sexes. Some of the rather outspoken supporters of the existence of gay propaganda and its harm note the possibility of changing orientation to suit fashion trends.

Why does evolution need homosexuality?

It is very surprising that homosexuality was not eradicated by evolutionary mechanisms, because homosexuals participate less in procreation. Let's return, for example, to the same stress mechanisms. Stress is hunger, lack of resources and the struggle for survival. In such situations, the birth of more heterosexual individuals may deplete the supply. Homosexual prevalence can, on the contrary, reduce the birth rate in a natural way and preserve reserves.

It is assumed that the genes responsible for homosexuality are evolutionary mechanisms for regulating the number of individuals in a group. For example, the gene allele is responsible for attraction to men. If such an allele occurs in a man, then, according to this theory, he will show interest in his own sex; it can be assumed that in the future this will lead to a decrease in the number of individuals. If such an allele appears in a woman’s genome, then the group can presumably experience a demographic boom. This means, given limited resources, it is evolutionarily more profitable to give birth to homosexuals: you don’t have to kill anyone and you don’t have to fight with anyone for food. In this case, the gene alleles remain in the genome, and when the group emerges from the crisis, they will manifest themselves in the genome of female individuals, and the population will recover. There is also an assumption that these genes are also responsible for increasing the fertility of brothers and sisters of homosexuals, thus maintaining balance in the group.

Unfortunately, most studies are related specifically to male homosexuality, but the nature of female homosexuality from an evolutionary point of view has not yet been sufficiently studied. Many associate female homosexuality more with psychological factors, even complexes. According to Freud, the central role in the formation of same-sex attraction is disappointment in the father and lack of communication with him.

Yet, not long ago, a study was conducted that compared the birth weight of homosexual and heterosexual women and men. The results showed that first-born homosexuals who subsequently had no younger siblings had lower birth weights compared to controls. This effect was observed for both women and men, suggesting the existence of a maternal immune response. Research also shows that mothers of first-born homosexuals produce fewer offspring on average.

Some researchers believe that to fully understand evolutionary mechanisms, it is necessary to consider the situation from a broader, cultural perspective. For example, Paul Vasey, a psychologist at the University of Lethbridge in Canada, conducted research in Samoa testing a theory based on kin selection. The idea is that homosexuals compensate for the lack of children by promoting the reproductive success of siblings, bringing financial or social assistance. At the same time, the genes of homosexuals are passed on through nephews and nieces. Skeptics point out that on average, people share only 25% of their genetic code with relatives, meaning that to compensate for the lack of children of their own, it is necessary to have at least two nephews or nieces. Paul Vasey found that gay men in Samoa spend, on average, more time with their little ones than straight men.

Fa'afafine - third gender in Polynesian culture

The scientist notes that he was surprised by such results, since a study had previously been conducted in Japan, the results of which showed that there was no difference in attitudes towards children between homosexual, heterosexual and childless people. The same result was obtained in the UK, USA and Canada.

Vasey believes that men in Samoa are different from men in countries where he has previously conducted experiments. The fact is that in Samoa there is a so-called third social gender, when a man lives as a woman from childhood, dresses and identifies himself as a woman, while having sexual intercourse with men who consider themselves heterosexual. The words “gay” and “homosexual” are absent from their vocabulary. The scientist suggested that this is precisely what accounts for their increased attention to nephews compared to the West and Japan. Veysey explains his point of view this way: the majority of men in the West who define themselves as gay have masculine characteristics and male image lives actually come from men with cross-gender identification.

Another small criticism of the evolutionary disadvantage of homosexuality is the fact that in the United States alone, 37% of LGBT people have children, of which about 60% are their biological children. According to research from the Williams Institute, on average same-sex couples there are two children. This is not much of a counter-argument, but evolutionary biologists point out that for the most part gay people in modern history have not lived openly, and the social pattern of having marriages, and within marriages having children, has played a significant role; Moreover, it has been able to strengthen itself and thus does not reduce the birth rate.

Maintaining homosexuality in a population can be associated not only with benefits for the population, but also be a side effect of a combination of several genes during mutations, the same side effect can be bisexuality, which, by the way, some scientists consider a good evolutionary advantage over heterosexuality, so how it allows you to reduce the level of aggression in the group.

Can orientation be measured mathematically?

In 1948, the first of two monographs, later called the Kinsey Reports, was published, which proposed a scale that attempted to measure sexual orientation. 0 on this scale is absolute heterosexuality, 6 is absolute homosexuality, an additional column “X” was added to indicate asexuality. Reports are now especially often cited to support the argument that 5-10% of the population is homosexual. At the same time, the scientist himself diligently avoided terms to describe orientation, since he believed that sexuality is subject to change, and a person’s attraction should be considered not only as physical contact, but also from the point of view of psychology.

Alfred Kinsey

Reports indicated that approximately half of the men surveyed in the study had at least once expressed sexual interest in both sexes, and more than a third of them had had sexual contact with the same sex at least once. Naturally, both monographs were subject to strong criticism, which affected all aspects: from sampling and methodology to general themes, which, according to critics, contributed to the degradation of society and morality. There were also some quite sensible comments regarding the unaccounted for biases associated with the fact that the studies involved only volunteers, and a quarter of them were also prison inmates. It is interesting that the “cleaned” version of the reports, which was released years later under the editorship of two other researchers, differed slightly from the original in terms of statistical data.

The Kinsey scale is quite limited in scope, as it does not distinguish between actual sexual experience, fantasies and attraction. In order to better understand human sexuality and its development throughout life, another scientist, Fritz Klein, developed a more accurate scale that records not only sexual experience, but also fantasies, behavior, preferences, and also divides them into past, present and a person's idealized vision of the future. This concept reflects variability and also means that the desired ideal may not coincide with past or even present views.

Homophobia is a real problem

Henry Adams and his colleagues spent quite a time interesting research. Heterosexual men who were quite homophobic and heterosexual men who had a neutral attitude towards homosexuality were shown erotic scenes with MF, MM and LJ couples. In both groups, erections occurred when watching erotic scenes involving female(s). But these results will not surprise anyone. But what aroused interest was that erections when watching scenes with men occurred more often among the homophobic group. This gave scientists food for thought about latent sexual attraction disguised as homophobia.

Scientific evidence of the harm of what is called homosexual propaganda has not yet been identified. However, all this noise around the topic of sexual orientation, both on the part of heterosexuals and on the part of representatives of the LGBT community, only exaggerates, sets teeth on edge and is the reason for the growth of intolerance, inciting hostility on sexual grounds, which in turn causes an even greater expansion of the conflict, which leads to very disastrous consequences, including suicide. However, in currently One thing is clear: homosexuality is not unique to humans, its origins are hidden in the homosocial behavior of animals, it has evolutionary origins. Why and how exactly it appears, we just have to find out.

In contact with

In modern Russian society, many are confident that they know what is behindhomosexuality. Conclusions are drawn quickly, and disputes within companies are heated.But actually,Do we know anything about people we don’t even try to listen to? Especially for MedialeaksrepresentativeAndsexual minoritiestold how theyrealized themselves and what they think about those imposedsocietystereotypes.

Sasha, 23 years old, studentntka/ “Of course, I had to move”

As often happens, the realization came after the fact. Even if you listen to chick rock, dream of shaving your head, and fall in love with teachers, that just means you're probably a teenager. Now, for example, boys look like girls, girls look like boys, and every second schoolchild writes or reads fan fiction. There are no markers of homosexuality; self-identification requires volitional effort.

I only made this effort when I was 19 years old, after I volunteered at an LGBT film festival and talked to smart people. Before this, I somehow hoped to sit back, look from the outside, like I had nothing to do with it. And this despite long-term adolescent relationships, which can easily be written off if you listen to various “you just haven’t found it yet” the right man" But experience smart people showed that this rarely happens. And I decided that I’d stop breaking down – so for the first time I confessed to myself and a couple of friends. Thanks to this decision, life became easier. And therefore, when I fell in love a year later, I immediately realized that everything was for real and, probably, forever.

Now, oddly enough, there is no need for self-identification. When you live in a healthy European society (of course, you had to move), everyone more or less doesn’t care what nationality you are or who you sleep with. Well, at least at the university. And, even more so, at the legislative level. Probably, future generations will be able to do without any willpower at all - just live as you live, and no one asks anything.

The manifestations of homophobia that I encounter on the Internet or at home are always extremely boring. I have long dreamed of coming across some statement that I would want to seriously think about, but no - everything is the omnipresent Apostle Paul and pseudoscientific demagoguery.

Just to argue, but no one wants to get a minimum education. People don’t know where children come from, so they believe that gays will cause a demographic catastrophe (and children in same-sex families are almost by definition beloved and long-awaited). People also forget what modern looks like traditional family– and it looks completely different from what was raised on the flag by United Russia. There is such a level in the country domestic violence, which is generally surprising how some women manage to live with men. To fix all this, it will take a lot of sensible people of different gender and sexuality.

Masha, 23 years old, student / “How can you be around someone you don’t really love?”

I realized my homosexuality at the age of 20, when I fell in love with a girl. I never thought much about homosexuality, but in 2010, when the rallies began, they began to talk and write more about gays, there was a “rainbow column”. Then they passed the law “On the Propaganda of Homosexuality.” I began to think about all this and was surprised to realize that I had nothing inside me that would not allow me to fall in love with a female person. And this happened very soon.

I think (and science seems to be confirming this so far) that there are usually several reasons for a given person's homosexuality, and this set of reasons is different from the set of reasons that another homosexual has. It’s like with the causes of genius or mental illness - and any feature that distinguishes a person from the majority.

The reasons can be both physiological and psychological. For example, in myself I can trace the preconditions for homosexual behavior that have always been there, and those that appeared at a certain time.

Some people believe that you can become gay/lesbian out of despair, because “nothing works out” with the opposite sex. But I don't know how you can be around someone you don't really love, who you're not attracted to. And if it didn’t work out with a man, but the woman turned out to be happy, then what’s the problem?

Dima, 29 years old, teacher / “To put it simply, I was qualitatively seduced”

The realization came sharply, a little painfully. There was a misunderstanding: “how is this possible, why are others not like me?” Hence the desire to isolate and hide (for others, on the contrary - protest, showing off).

Almost everyone at one time or another played doctors with the neighboring boys and girls, in one variation or another. And if they go to games documentaries, poorly hidden by parents, in the form of pornography - then such games become more interesting.

Looking ahead, I would like to note that it is not the unsuccessful heterosexual experience, but the successful homosexual experience that often, it seems to me, becomes the cause of “deviation.”

So, in my case it was a successful “homoexperience”. And it started for me at the age of 9-10. I won’t go into detail, I’ll just say that he was 16. I don’t know how he came to this at that age, that’s a separate conversation. To put it simply, I was qualitatively seduced, given what I was missing (albeit in a perverted form, but I’m small - I don’t understand).

To say that there is one reason why people become (or are born) homosexuals, in my opinion, is difficult. Totality various factors influences the development of consciousness, way of thinking and behavior.

Working for a long time teacher, I have more than once encountered parents who thought that their child (sons in this case) plays with dolls too often, or takes a long time to wash, likes to wear dresses, puts on lipstick, has only girls as friends, or vice versa, only boys. In such cases, the fate of the child is not clear, and it cannot be said with certainty that he will become homosexual.

In my opinion, if you don’t want your child to become homosexual, don’t shout about how bad it is, but show how good it is to be heterosexual. Unfortunately, in our country it is customary to fight what is bad, rather than strive for what is good.

My last homosexual contact was 4 years ago. Moreover, I don’t really want to continue it. Question: can I be called a homosexual in this case?

Tatyana, 21 years old, journalist / “A lot of the framework in my head was destroyed, and I gave myself a kind of freedom.”

I don't think it was a sudden realization. Rather, I have always been interested in girls, I just used to interpret it as banal curiosity.

My father gave me a good push to accept my own “I”. He always gave me very clear instructions “how to live”: do not marry twice, do not cheat on your spouse, and under no circumstances stare at girls. And then my father cheated on my mother and left the family, abandoning two children. A lot of frames in my head were destroyed, and I gave myself a kind of freedom.

In addition, in my environment at that moment there was a girl to whom I was openly drawn. This is where it all started.

Some time ago, I was preparing a scientific report on the propaganda of homosexuality in the media and collecting the opinions of scientists on how people become gay. And there was not a single scientist who did not believe that people are born this way. Violations of social roles in the family, the result of unsuccessful relationships with the opposite sex - well, yes, this can lead to deviations, but not in the direction of homosexuality.

In the most ordinary man + woman couple, this happens all the time: the wife earns money, the husband takes care of the children / the girl is morally stronger than the guy, and the like. There are no deviations among gays, they are among people who are disturbed by other people's personal lives, which are already hidden behind double doors.

Hello everybody. I'm asking for at least some advice, because... I myself am completely confused.

my young man I’m 25 years old, I’m 28. We’ve been dating for 2.5 months, we’re both serious. everything was just great, wonderful, the sympathy was great and it was mutual. I liked him immediately. handsome, well-built, educated, very purposeful, cultured. Once in a conversation the topic accidentally slid towards LGBT, I joked about it, to which he said something about tolerance, tolerance, etc., he said that he was heterosexual but there was a gay among his friends. I didn’t attach much importance to it, I just often made fun of it, and he also somehow laughed it off in response. At the same time, I jokingly asked, “were you friends with that guy,” jokingly offered to tell me “what happened between you,” said that I would treat it normally, that everything would be fine, let him tell, etc. BUT I said this jokingly, without a second thought, it was like a game. and so... in the end, when I joked again, he seriously answered: yes, it was. to say that I was shocked is to say nothing. I lost the power of speech for several minutes (I'm not exaggerating). it was just something beyond me. I recoiled a meter away from him and couldn’t say anything, it seemed like I even turned away for a while.

then the conversation did take place. my reaction upset him very much, he clearly did not expect this, but on the whole he was calm. said that he was interested in trying and experimenting. He had sex with his friend twice, it was a couple of years ago. but he didn’t like it, and he’s no longer drawn to such experiments. This is what it looks like in his words. He says that this doesn’t change anything, that he likes me. At the same time, I feel that he really is dating me as a woman, and not as “girlfriend with girlfriend,” and we also had sex (before his confession).

I don't have a bad attitude towards gays, but I don't understand it at all. I can’t wrap my head around how one man can kiss another, how he can have sex with him. I have the feeling that a person who goes into such “experiments” has no inhibitions at all, that you can expect anything from him. When I found out all this, I just panicked, I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that this was possible. I’m scared to imagine that he will cheat on me, and not with a woman, but with a man, that sooner or later he will want to repeat the “experiment” again, even though he assures me that this is not the case.

on the other hand, I get the impression that I judge people too harshly. Perhaps that’s why I’m already 28, and in my life before this incident there was only one man, and I left him for a trifle reason, although he loved me very much and I was even afraid for him, how he would be able to survive this separation, but my own convictions for were more important than me.

I really don’t know what to do, what’s best to do and how normal this is in general, how adequate my reaction is. I apologize if it turned out chaotic, but I’m just overwhelmed with emotions.

Interview with Gordon Opp

What to expect from the process of changing orientation? With disarming honesty, Gordon Opp talks about how his life became meaningful, but also about the lessons, sometimes painful, he learned in his healing process. He speaks with NARTH (National Association for the Research and Treatment of Homosexuality) Executive Director Joseph Nicolosi.

J.N. Gordon, thank you for agreeing to tell your story. Well, let's go through the main points of your life. You have been president of a credit bureau in Lincoln, Nebraska for 21 years and have been married for 20 years. Soon you will receive a master's degree in psychological counseling, and for several years now you have been leading a group for men coming out of homosexuality.

When did you first realize that you might be experiencing homosexual attraction?

G.O. I think it was in sixth or seventh grade that I realized that I liked boys instead of girls, and that really bothered me. There was no one to talk to about it back then, so I just hid it.

J.N. At that time, there were no consultants from “Project 10” in schools who would support you as a gay person and introduce you to the gay community.

G.O. Yes, and I'm glad about it. At least I wasn't forced to think the problem didn't exist. I was a practicing Christian, I accepted morality, and so I abstained from contact with other guys until I was twenty-one. In fact, I spent three years in college without being in any kind of relationship. And then, as happens with many homosexuals, my first experience was incredible... like being in the desert for two weeks without water, and suddenly wandering into an oasis. There is something irresistible about it.

I floundered in gay life from the age of 21 to 25, during which time I had many one-night stands. I've had sex in parks. I had several long-term relationships - maybe three - that lasted several months. During all this time I was very depressed, because it’s like leading a double life. I could never be satisfied with relationships, no matter how long they lasted - I lost interest after some time, even in those men who were much more attractive than me. But I just didn’t understand the dynamics back then.

J.N. What is this dynamic?

G.O. Now, looking back, I understand what homosexuality means to me, although everyone's experience is slightly different.

J.N. And what does homosexuality mean to you?

G.O. The opportunity to satisfy unsatisfied needs in sex.

J.N. Which ones exactly?

G.O. A thirst for acceptance... to feel like one of the guys... empathy and understanding of men. What’s interesting is that now I understand that those homosexual desires that still remain have almost nothing to do with sex. For example, you look at a guy, and if you go so far as to imagine him naked - hmm, now such a thought would be unpleasant to me. But there is something else... I would like him to come up to me, shake my hand, give me attention.

Back then, when I was young, I didn’t understand this dynamic. Today I see that feelings change, and when you understand them, it is like some kind of magic. The trick is interesting to watch - you watch it again and again until you figure it out, and then all the magic disappears. Also with feelings - when you understand them, understand what is behind the trick - the inspiration disappears somewhere. And there is no magic in attraction anymore.

J.N. What is the analogy with homosexuality here?

G.O. I also imagine homosexuality. I see a man I like, but I won’t follow him, because I know the “trick,” that is, I know that it is only imagination, and behind the impression there is an illusion. I have a logical understanding that “this” will not bring satisfaction. If you are looking for any meetings just for sex, nothing but negative consequences, you won't get it. But there's something else.

J.N. Not just understanding?

G.O. Yes, this is not just understanding. It is also the realization that all experiences of this kind are fake. When you know this (and I have personal experience repeated attempts over four years), then it works.

You wrote in your book how Elizabeth Moberly explains that the unmet need for love from people of the same sex gives rise to the problem of same-sex attraction, and you strongly emphasize this. You said that friendship with people of the same sex helps to satisfy these needs. I have discovered that when I form strong friendships with normal man, which I like, I can clear these needs of the sexual component. I can satisfy them in a way that makes me feel good.

J.N. Many men tell me the same thing. They claim that their homosexual desires are fading or even disappearing completely.

G.O. Yes it's true. In many cases this is what happens. However, as Dr. Satinover explains in J. Satinover, Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth, the problem still arises when you have formed a pattern of behavior, when the skill has already become a habit. Sexual experience is very similar to a drug. It relieves pain, anesthetizes, and provides “quick relief.” And this can make it very difficult to come out of homosexuality. When we have already filled our emotional feelings with sexuality, when we already have the skill to satisfy these needs with the help of sex, we simply satisfy normal, legitimate, God-given needs with a “drug.” And when you begin to satisfy them through friendship with normal guy, you don’t “get turned on” the way you do in a homosexual relationship. And I needed to realize and accept this: this will not happen.

J.N. Of course, because this enthusiasm is artificial, and it will not last long. There will only be a desire to get even more excited, albeit with a different partner. And we are already seeing how gay writers themselves are beginning to admit this, although not directly. Andrew Sullivan, in his book Undiscovered Love, says that one should not think that lasting love will arise from an erotic relationship. In his opinion, only friends are truly a reliable source of support and loyalty.

G.O. This enthusiasm is artificial, but it is difficult to overcome, and this keeps many people from homosexuality.

J.N. Exactly. Jeffrey Satinower says that neurological ways of experiencing pleasure are imprinted into the brain, literally etched into brain structures. And although you can learn to layer new fantasies on top of old ones and satisfy emotional needs in a more adequate way, you still cannot “erase” the primary neurological response. You can write new methods over the old ones. However, most people have to really struggle with old patterns of behavior to which they have become strongly inclined.

G.O. Right. And, unfortunately, this pattern of behavior seems to take root very quickly. However, when talking about brain structures, what inspires me is that we don't use our brains very much... There are still so many "tops" to try. We fall into the trap of thinking that the only way to enjoy life or experience the pinnacle of pleasure is through the unhealthy path we have become accustomed to. I try to encourage the men I work with to see the world more broadly. While experiences in other relationships may not provide the same excitement for those who are already accustomed to homosexual relationships, they should move forward with healthy relationships. male relationships, and they also need to find something or someone to give their heart to.

J.N. Exactly. And speaking of someone to give your heart to...tell me about your marriage. You are already 46 and have been married for 20 years.

G.O. Well, like I said, I lived the gay life for four years, until I was 25. However, I experienced severe depression because it didn't work. I'm from Nebraska and decided to move to California. It seemed to me that this the best place, to live a gay life, and if it doesn't work, maybe I'll find some help there.

In California, I met a youth pastor. He was about 7 years older than me, married and had two children. And even without knowing your book - it just hadn’t been written yet - he worked with me in the way you suggest. Neither of us knew what was happening. He was a nice young man who cared about me and saw me as a guy who wanted to live right, but just didn't know how. I remember we were sitting in his office and he said, “You may be attracted to me, but nothing will happen because I’m different.” He said: “But this does not change my attitude towards you; I love you and will take care of you anyway.” His attitude completely changed my attraction. This was the beginning of help for me. I came to him for advice and support for more than six months. That's when I met my future wife, and we became friends. Before getting married, I wanted to abstain from any form of sex for a year.

J.N. Were you sexually attracted to her?

G.O. No, sexual desire It wasn't until marriage. One day I thought, “I’m going to get married soon,” and from that day on I started thinking more about my fiancée. If I could have counseled myself then, I would have helped myself a little more and given instructions on how to act, but in the end I would also have advised getting married. I have adopted the attitude that we are all true heterosexuals, and therefore I strongly encourage men to marry if I see that they will be faithful to their promise. I don't want them to endanger the woman or upset her. Yet it is a completely different matter if a man takes his promise seriously and remains faithful to it, despite all temptations. I am a disciplined person myself, so this helped.

J.N. But a woman still needs to know.

G.O. Of course, a woman should know. I told my wife about this before we got married and it was a blast for her. fresh air– to know that someone will love her as a friend, and not just want sex from her. And I think that's one of the strengths of our marriage. We have three children - two girls and a thirteen-year-old boy.

J.N. And what is your family life like now?

G.O. The first few years it was more of a "doing what's right" thing. However, when you spend so much time with someone, you have children together and you live together, you definitely learn to love this person. I think that now I love my wife as much, if not more, than other men. My sexual experience may be different from that of those who have never experienced homosexual desire, but it is satisfying, desirable, and pleasurable. If I lost my wife, I would feel completely devastated. I must say that I not only changed my behavior; I began to think differently about myself, changed my identity. And I am very pleased that I am a husband, father and now a grandfather.

J.N. Do your children know about your past?

G.O. Yes. My daughters are 19 and 17, the eldest is engaged and is getting married in August. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughters. However, some of us with homosexual backgrounds think that we cannot be good parents to a boy.

J.N. Yes, especially for a boy who has concerns about his masculinity.

G.O. My firstborns were girls, and I thought, “Well, God has blessed me with girls, and that's good because I don't have to worry about being a daddy to a boy.” I’m telling you, it’s very natural for me to love girls, it’s one of the greatest pleasures in life. And it was always like this, even when they entered adolescence. But my wife wanted a third child - we had a boy, and it was a very great joy. You go into his room in the evening to tuck in the blanket, tell him a story or pat him on the back, and now that he's a little older, ruffle his hair or fuss with him a little - it's as if someone had done it with me. This is incredibly helpful – I “heal by giving” and I am so grateful! It's like I was given a second chance.

J.N. You resolve some of your old needs by fulfilling them for someone else. I think this is true for all fathers.

G.O. I would agree with you, because everyone has some unmet needs and a past. I'm very happy with my life. I wouldn't change it for any other. Previously, in the first ten years of my marriage, I sometimes became depressed, felt very unwell, as if I was missing something. But for many years now I have not experienced depression at all.

J.N. Do you know any ex-gays who got married? Do you have a circle of friends who can provide support?

G.O. For several years I led a support group of eight or nine guys. People come and go, but there are also a handful who get married and have children. These people - good band support. I'm thinking about one of them now, my friend Bill, who said his wife was pregnant with their second child and he was so excited about it! But you know, as it is written in your book, other guys who overcome homosexuality can, of course, be great friends, relationships with some are very important, I would not want to downplay the importance of this. However, when it comes to healing, I get much more from straight people.

J.N. From 100% straight people.

G.O. Right. There are straight guys that I enjoy being around, and that helps a lot. There are a few other people who are especially attractive, and with them I kind of have to force myself to get to know them so well that they don’t make me afraid and weak or belittled in front of them, because then the unwanted attraction will be unleashed.

J.N. Yes exactly. Very Good idea. People who struggle with homosexuality should know that you have learned to face this fear, especially in the case of attractive men. In order to destroy the mystical fog, you need to get to know them better.

G.O. And when you succeed, it becomes fun. I force myself to do this because if someone meets me life path- maybe I'm on the same committee with him, or something else - I notice how the old pattern comes back, and I start to notice this person. This is a residual object - the object of attention of the old way of building relationships. And so I try to get to know these people, maybe even give them a pat on the back or a firm handshake or whatever, to get to know them from the inside out, and then suddenly I see their weaknesses - it's just a guy, and all the fog has cleared!

J.N. That is, you see people - something ordinary. You see what truly connects you. The tension collapses, and with it the fantasy.

G.O. Regardless, that’s what homosexuality was like for me. It's like there's some kind of "mystery guy." What is he like? Why not feel the same way he does? And when you get to know these guys more intimately, all the mysticism disappears somewhere.

J.N. This is absolutely true. But when did you have an epiphany in your life that helped you understand this?

G.O. Yes. What happened to me happened ten years ago. I had something like a midlife crisis (I was 35-36), I have three healthy children, the business was successful, we good house, I drove new cars, I became successful. During this period, men ask themselves: “Is this really what you wanted?” For me, the big question was: “But I’ve never experienced anything like this with a man. Maybe I've lost something?

I thought that "this" could only be achieved through homosexuality, and early years I struggled with the remnants of old feelings, protecting myself from attractive guys by simply moving away from them. In the past, there would have been those who would have said: “You know, I just met Gordon, we just started doing things together, when suddenly we separated. I don't know what happened." Actually, I know what happened. I didn't want to turn them into a sex object. I didn't want to... and I just broke off the relationship, it was a defensive reaction.

And then something happened that pulled me out of depression and shattered the old illusion. There was a guy who was actually my wife's brother. And we traveled across the country together to pick up an antique car. We had to sleep together on the way back. I had already been married for ten or eleven years, and during that time I had not had sexual relations with men. So, in the middle of the night, I impulsively touched his penis. (He knew about my past, but thought that since I got married, the problem was solved). I was terribly embarrassed and wanted to die. He woke up and asked, “Are you okay?”

He didn't judge me at all. And another thousand miles and during the next night at the hotel we talked about it, and became friends. He didn't want me to separate from him. He kept me busy, he just insisted on it. He said: “I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist, but it seems right to me to be with you, to continue to occupy you.” It was really difficult for me because I was confused, ashamed of myself, and I was forced to confront what happened and work through it. This was the peak of the mountain that I crossed. It relieved depression, helped me open up, and brought closer the emotional healing that I was already experiencing on a conscious level.

J.N. Is it possible to say that now you do not have any homosexual attractions?

G.O. No, I wouldn't say that. How can I explain this... I used to feel like I was wearing a sweater with capital letter"G" is ahead. This sweater said who I was: a homosexual. Today it looks like an old business card in my pocket, worn out and dog-eared. Sometimes I notice myself pulling it out and it bothers me a little, but life goes on outside of it. It became an occasional irritation and is no longer an obsession. I'm doing very well today.

J.N. Your experience reveals much about the nature of psychological change. Whatever the problem is - bulimia (multiple eating), alcoholism or low self-esteem– it does not seem that the change consists of simply erasing these areas from consciousness. You made a major emotional shift through self-deepening and gaining new experience. Some sexual feelings will appear, but because you know what they mean, they have almost lost their significance.

Sometimes it just takes a willful decision to put aside the lingering remnants of the old, unwanted homosexual self, and dedicate oneself to moving forward towards marriage, and that is what a person truly wants.

I thank you, Gordon, for sharing your life experiences so openly and honestly.

I first learned about sex at the age of twelve - from a book, thanks to my parents. I don't know where they got this book. Probably at the family doctor. Since I was sure that my father was omnipotent and could probably see through the walls, I was shaking with fear, locked in my room: even holding a book about sex in my hands was “bad” and “forbidden,” not to mention sex itself.

With trembling hands I leafed through the pages. The book was written in dry, medical language and told about how a sperm fertilizes an egg and so on. But I wanted to know how the sperm gets to the egg. In the book, this mysterious rendezvous was designated as follows: “When a man and a woman come into intimacy.”

After that, every time my father hugged my mother by the shoulders, that is, entered into intimacy with her, I expected another brother to appear. Well, where else, there are already six children in the family! And if I saw grown boys and girls hugging and kissing... can you imagine! Fortunately, when my wife and I decided to have a child, I was already quite aware of the relevant technology, moreover, from the time I learned about it, I actively trained. Otherwise, we would both be standing opposite each other, taking off our clothes and chastely hugging, and then wondering: why don’t we have children?

My parents do not know this, but I felt the call of the flesh within me long before they gave me the Book. I remember exactly how kindergarten I dreamed that the teacher and I would be alone! - caught in a storm in the games room...

The wind howls, the trees bend to the ground. “Don’t worry, Miss McIntyre,” I whisper, finishing drawing a very erotic picture on my hand: a pencil and a donut. “I’ll save you.” And since I can’t reach out and hug her around the waist, I hug her hips and think: it’s a pity that I didn’t have time to erase this picture with drool...

Listen, why am I telling you all this? Let's talk about you.

So, let's start talking about sexual development, that is, “puberty” - this word is derived from the Latin word meaning “groin”. Or something like that. During one and a half to two years of puberty, you reach puberty: girls turn into women, boys into men capable of fertilization. In a biological sense. Unfortunately, sexual maturity and emotional maturity do not go together.

Emotional maturity comes later, and this small time gap gives rise to big problems.

You may develop a little earlier or a little late, but all this is absolutely normal. In truth, there are a huge number of different schedules and models that fall into the category of normal. Remember just the five most important words regarding your sexual development: don’t let it bother you. HOW

HOW IT HAPPENS WITH GIRLS

The most obvious sign of sexual development is the appearance of breasts; they begin to grow at the age of ten or eleven, then, closer to fourteen, the stage of the most active growth begins. Pigmentation appears on the nipple, and the nipple and its halo, that is, the circle around the nipple, begin to protrude forward. Between fourteen and sixteen, the breast gradually takes on its adult shape, the nipple and its areola are already well developed. Only by the age of twenty or even later does the halo decrease. It is normal for there to be discharge from the nipples, it is also normal for the breasts to swell before the onset of menstruation, and it is also normal for one breast to grow faster than the other.

As you can see, I studied the subject long and hard.

Other signs of sexual development are not as noticeable. The vagina lengthens and expands, rapid internal growth the ovaries (that is, the organ that produces the egg that the sperm must fertilize) and the uterus, the organ in which the child is born. Around this time, pubic hair begins to grow, and so-called secondary sexual characteristics also appear - fuzz on the face, hair under the arms and on the legs (damn, I feel like a real doctor.)

When the internal genital organs have developed, menstruation occurs. The onset of menstruation is perhaps the most dramatic change that occurs in a girl's body. Now the body gets rid of the blood, mucus and separated cellular tissue that has accumulated in the uterus every month. If the egg is fertilized, menstruation stops and the cellular tissue and fluid remain in the uterus to provide a breeding ground for the embryo, or unborn child. By the way, if you don’t know this yet, then know that this is called pregnancy, and it would be better for you not to know it until you are completely ready for it. If the egg is not fertilized, then the woman is not pregnant (thank God!), and then all this unnecessary nutrient medium descends into the vagina.

Menstruation can begin at the age of nine or eighteen, but most often it comes at the age of thirteen. Usually about six months after breasts begin to develop.

Girls are given the most conflicting information about menstruation. On the one hand, it is presented as a mysterious act of becoming a woman; on the other hand, as something very unclean. And, like everything connected with sexual life, it is associated with various stupid tales of old gossips, such as: during menstruation, you become bait for murderous maniacs (there is even a stupid expression “She threw up a red flag”) or that those around you always It's clear that you're menstruating. I can assure you: for others to suspect this, you have to wander around the school half-bent and with an extremely unhappy expression on your face.

When this happens to a girl for the first time, she is horrified: what is happening? Am I going to bleed to death? Wait until you bequeath the Bon Jovi record to yours. best friend. All blood loss is no more than three spoons. But some girls suffer from various disorders: severe pain, excessive bleeding, bleeding between periods or lack of blood in the discharge. If you have such problems, tell your mother or doctor about them, preferably a gynecologist - he specially treats women. At the very beginning, girls' periods can be irregular - so, “these things” come once or twice, and then stop for a month or even several months. This often happens in girls who are thin or are too active in sports.

It is completely normal to feel worried about your figure: “Am I thin enough?”, “I’m not too thin?” big breasts", because girls worry: are they attractive to people of the opposite sex? Don’t worry, friends, the opposite sex has enough problems of its own.

HOW IT HAPPENS WITH BOYS

Boys mature later. Around twelve to thirteen years of age, their penis, scrotum, and testicles begin to grow, and in the next three years they grow rapidly pubic hair. More than half of boys experience slightly painful breast swelling - this is called "gynecomastia", and although at this time you may be afraid that your breasts will suddenly grow, don't worry - it will pass.

Somewhere between thirteen and fifteen, boys experience ejaculation for the first time - the release of seminal fluid, but this does not mean that he can already have children. Seventy percent of all teenagers have “wet dreams” at this time - involuntary ejaculation. And it's only natural that boys worry a lot about ejaculation. What the hell is this? Do I really have cancer? Or is it pus? And if there is pus, maybe it’s better to squeeze it all out? Don't worry - it's just seminal fluid containing between 250 and 450 million sperm. But you'll learn more about these "little scouts" in Chapter 5, where we'll talk about birth control and teenage pregnancy. Don't miss this chapter!

Around this time, you make the greatest discovery of your life - an erection. Guys, read carefully, because this physiological phenomenon tends to cause a lot of problems throughout your life. Perhaps even in early childhood you had erections, but you did not understand what was happening. An erection is when the vessels through which there is an outflow blood from the penis, contract and the tissue of the penis fills with blood. In truth, it is an engineering marvel.

I'm telling you this! However, before this happens, your main sexual organ, the brain, must work in order to send a nerve impulse to the corresponding part of the body. An erection has several unpleasant features - for example, it can happen out of the blue in front of the whole class just when you are solving a problem at the board. My advice: try to remember at this moment who won the baseball championship last year, and then this thing will go away on its own.

MASTURBATION

This word has quite a few synonyms, and the most printed of them are “handjob”, “childish sin” and “pocket billiards”.

Masturbation, or manual stimulation of the genitals, is a topic that affects (pardon the bad pun) many people. People usually joke about it - as I do here - but rarely admit it. In fact, this is a fairly common phenomenon - the release of sexual tension, and nine out of ten teenagers, both boys and girls, resort to it; in the teenage years, this is the only way to relieve such tension. (After these words, my parents will certainly love me even more.) In the end, the activity is safe: no one has ever gotten pregnant from masturbation or contracted a bad disease. People most often begin to resort to this remedy at the age of twelve (at least my personal experience speaks to this.)

I must admit that I didn’t understand what was happening at the time. But one day, having taken control of the situation (oh, damn!), I realized that the result was definitely pleasant. I was excited, excited and at the same time, as if assessing the situation from the outside, and at the moment of orgasm - the pinnacle of sexual arousal - I was even somewhat stunned: “Did I do this?” Then my hand fell limply. And I thought: will this hand respect me in the morning?

Erotic fantasies during masturbation - quite normal phenomenon: you think about your girlfriend, a girl - about her boyfriend or about a celebrity (about Dee Snider, for example) - in terms of fantasies, all objects are good. All this is completely natural, unless fantasies intrude and interfere with your daily life, and unless under ordinary circumstances you behave as if you were moving through an imaginary country.

There are a lot of stupid legends about masturbation. If you do this, then: a) you will go blind, b) hair will start to grow on your palms, c) you will go crazy, d) you will tear this thing off and, the worst thing: e) you will start doing this all the time. It was these horrors that frightened teenagers all their lives. It's all true: I wear glasses, I have hairy arms, and as final proof I can produce bills from a psychiatrist.

And all this, of course, complete nonsense. Masturbation is a completely healthy way to relieve sexual tension, and if it somehow calms you down, then let me tell you that married individuals of both sexes resort to it.

Masturbation cannot cause any physical damage. The only danger is that she may become your only source of sexual satisfaction, because it is much easier than entering into a relationship with a living person - no problem.

SEX EDUCATION

Many parents are afraid of sex education courses in schools - or sex education in general - because they believe that studying the subject breeds permissiveness, which in their understanding means "too much sex." For some, any little thing related to sex is too much. My theory is this: only after receiving all the necessary information can you make a reasonable, knowledge-based decision - to have sex or not to have sex at all.

The numerical expression of my theory: two terms - “lack of education” plus “sex” - usually add up to unwanted pregnancy or, at best, sexual activity, but the wrong one. You can call me Albert Snydstein from now on.

Research has shown that teenagers who discuss sexuality with their parents, or who are taught this course in schools, are less likely to have very unpleasant situations related to pregnancy, are more wise in their choice of birth control, and engage in sexual intercourse much later. life. Although many parents would rather take a home-based sex education program than a school-based sex education program, unfortunately, not all are qualified to become qualified teachers: recent survey public opinion showed that about half of adult men and 38 percent of women do not know that so-called “danger days” exist.

And this despite the fact that women who had already become mothers were surveyed! Another problem: those parents who are well versed in this issue are sometimes embarrassed to discuss it with their children.

Most parents solve the problem simply: they don’t talk to teenagers about this topic at all. Brilliant solution! A survey of teenagers showed that 45 percent of them were not taught anything by their parents. But even in those schools where such courses have been introduced, the quality and depth of training is very questionable. Only every third teenager is told about birth control, which is why every fifth teenager knows nothing about it at all. It doesn't take a scientist to figure out why 1.1 million teenage pregnancies in year.

The most accessible (and most unreliable) source of information is your friends and their chatter. Teenagers are conducting something like a sexual competition among themselves: which of the girls' breasts began to grow first? Which of the guys was the first to grow a mustache (even just a few hairs)? Who was the first to “go through everything”? Unfortunately, it often happens that both boys and girls compete with each other to see who can lose their virginity first.

But getting an honest answer is incredibly difficult because everyone tends to exaggerate their sexual experiences. No one wants to demonstrate illiteracy in terms of technology and terminology.

I remember how one day my best friend and I were discussing a question that was extremely interesting to us, and instead of the words “sexual intercourse,” he naturally used the slang word “fail.” Whom to fail? Fail her? Where should I put it?

I used the word "fuck". A board? On the head? And for what? we talked for hours, sometimes completely misunderstanding each other, until finally I asked with a completely idiotic look: “Listen, what does “fail” mean?”

"Okay, I'll explain, but first you explain to me what it means to fuck?"

When it comes to sex, people lie. Even adults. When someone in the group asks, “Have you ever (what follows is the name of any kind of sexual activity that he or she pronounces and imagines most often incorrectly)?”, everyone nods their heads and winks with the air of experts. How fierce is this competition?

So much so that boys and girls often invent non-existent lovers who live somewhere in another city, or even in Canada. And when you ask to introduce you to the object of passion, your boyfriend or girlfriend usually answers: “Oh, we just had a fight... And anyway, it was just a summer adventure!” One of my friends carried a photograph of actress Judy Carney in his wallet and announced to everyone that this was his girl. “But this is Judy Carney, the actress,” we said. "No! She just looks like Carney!" He felt very embarrassed that he didn't have a girl, so he felt obliged to make up this story for us. (You'll soon find out, if you haven't already, that some people not only lie about sex, they lie to get sex.)

Do your parents belong to that category of people who sit down in front of you and begin to talk with the most miserable look about bees, birds, stamens and pistils, or not, but your attitude to love and sex is largely shaped by them. Think about the type of information you receive from your parents. Are they affectionate and tender towards each other? Do they express their love openly? Have you ever caught them doing “it”?

In my family they didn't talk about sex at all. But although they didn’t talk about it, they were clearly doing it, as evidenced by six children. My old man’s gun hit without missing a beat.

And because the parents clearly didn't want to talk about sex, early youth I also felt difficult discussing this issue. To this day, I feel very awkward if I watch TV with my parents and there is a sex scene on the screen. After I left home, my parents seemed to relax a little and apparently talked about this topic with my younger brothers, because my younger brothers calmly discuss all these issues in the presence of parents. Shall I tell you the truth?

It shocks me how freely they talk about certain topics with their ancestors.

It is very important that you receive positive outlook for sex and love from parents. Adults who view sex as something bad and dirty pass this attitude on to their children, and they grow into adults who feel guilty and hostile about sex and seek to offend their partner.

There is one reason why parents don't want to talk to their children about sex and refuse to accept the fact that their children are becoming sexually mature, and it's a reason why people don't talk about it: it's because it's the most obvious sign that you're grew up and moved away from your parents. Another reason: they themselves know little.

If your parents can't or don't want to talk to you about it, try to understand them. But don't let their attitude prevent you from learning what you need to know.

Can't talk to your friends or parents? Try talking to a family doctor, who may already be used to communicating the necessary information to nervous, blushing children of nervous, blushing parents. Doctors, school nurses, sex education teachers, and counselors who work hotlines or clinics are reliable sources of unbiased information without resorting to moralizing. And if you run into a doctor who feels the same awkwardness as you, don’t give up: talk to someone else.

HOMOSEXUALITY

Teenagers have a lot of doubts about themselves, these doubts also apply to their sex life.

Society is extremely easy to label people, especially when it comes to sex. He is a homosexual, a fagot. But he is normal. And she is both. It takes time to understand and come to inner peace with your sexuality, and when others or you yourself hastily label yourself with a certain label, this creates a lot of problems and difficulties.

The so-called “sexual revolution” that began in the sixties is partly to blame for this. Before this, teenagers entered into sexual relations much later; their maturation was gradual. They were embarrassed by certain, but quite natural, sexual fantasies, in which partners of the same sex could also participate, but things rarely went beyond fantasies. Nowadays, many young people have sexual intercourse before they have time to fully realize their desires.

When twenty years ago a young man or girl was not interested in individuals of the opposite sex, they were said to be one of those who develop late. Grandfather patted the back of the neck and said: “Well, he will become a real terror for women when he finally hits on the girls.” And Aunt Sophie pinched her niece on the cheek and exclaimed: “She’s such a beauty, she’ll have to drive away the guys with a stick!” Now that people are starting to have sexual intercourse earlier, and information about homosexuality has become more accessible, parents look with concern at their child, who is more interested in sports, studying or collecting stamps than girls. Is my son or daughter really one of “those same ones”? Yes, maybe they're just not interested in sex yet! This is also completely natural - contrary to everything that comes from TV screens, what is said in movies, in songs and even by the teenagers themselves.

Feeling confused and worried about your sexual preferences is a normal aging process in these abnormal times when people are faced with sexual problems at twelve, thirteen years old, and sometimes even earlier. It's unavoidable. Sexual experiments with people of the same sex are also inevitable. I remember playing “doctor” (examining other children, “writing out” bills for them - scribbling on pieces of paper, and then running off to play golf) when I was four years old - with both boys and girls. By the way, it’s good that I remembered - my bills still haven’t been paid!

A survey conducted by the very reputable Kinsey Institute of Sexual Problems showed that 60 percent of all boys and 30 percent of girls had at least one homosexual experience by the age of fifteen. And this does not mean at all that they are homosexuals. And according to sexologist Dr. John Money, not a single Living being cannot be defined solely as a being of male or female gender. We all have the characteristics - and hormones - of both sexes, and we are all capable of bisexuality. Some of us act on our instincts while most of us deny them a voice.

Modern research shows that 10 percent of all men and 3 percent of women are homosexual.

WHAT IS THE CAUSE OF HOMOSEXUALISM?

Although psychiatrists have come to the conclusion that homosexuality is not a disease at all, but simply another form of expression of sexuality, its causes are not yet clearly defined. Perhaps there is no single cause, but in each specific case we are dealing with a combination of such reasons. Environment and upbringing play a role in the formation of sexual preferences, for example, lack of loving parent same gender as you. Heredity and a special combination of genes may also play a role. But until now no one knows the exact answer.

Homosexuals have become victims of many false stereotypes, for example, that a homosexual man acts like a woman, that he is effeminate, and that homosexual women are masculine and cruel. In fact, only 15 percent of gay men exhibit any feminine traits, and only 5 percent of lesbians are overtly masculine.

Try to accurately describe the behavior of a heterosexual, “normal” person. It doesn't work, right? You know a completely heterosexual guy who loves to dance and is incredibly sensitive. You also know a girl who is very courageous and athletic. But both of them are not homosexuals at all. Similarly, there is no single type of homosexual. The only difference is sexual preference. And the feelings that homosexuals have for each other are no different from the feelings that members of heterosexual couples have for each other. They fall in love the same way and suffer the same way.

If you have had homosexual experiences - one or more times - this still does not mean that you are homosexual. Sometimes it takes time to figure out who you really are. Some people realize early on that they are attracted to people of the same sex, but force themselves to date people of the opposite sex. Some homosexuals go on dates, even get married, sometimes just to prove to themselves that they are not homosexuals. But one fine day they “come out of hiding” and honestly tell themselves and, perhaps, their loved ones and friends the whole truth. With men this happens around the age of twenty, with women, as a rule, later.

Homosexuals have been persecuted throughout history. According to ancient Jewish laws, they were sentenced to death; in the Middle Ages, the church sentenced them to torture and burning. But other societies were quite tolerant. In the United States, attitudes toward homosexuality are also becoming more tolerant, but still such people are forced to live a lie, hiding the truth from parents, friends, employees and superiors, for fear of becoming outcasts, fearing persecution and blackmail.

IN early years It’s not easy to admit this truth about yourself. Not only do teens generally dislike anything that is “out of line,” but many are so insecure about their own sexuality that they are afraid or feel hostile toward gay people. Or they believe - and this is a completely irrational belief - that homosexuals only think about how to seduce someone. Data? Ninety percent of all sexual crimes against minors are committed by heterosexual persons. Homosexuals are not at all more likely to abuse children.

But despite all the difficulties associated with their lifestyle, only five percent of homosexuals would like to be heterosexual. Many of them do not want to change at all, they want one thing - recognition of their rights. And gradually such recognition is approaching.

I believe that everyone has the right to their own sexual preferences as long as those preferences do not infringe on the rights of others. The only exception is the forcible involvement of a minor in sexual activity - homo- or heterosexual - by a person who is already eighteen years old. This is already called child abuse, if this happens, you must immediately report it to your parents, or a teacher you trust, or an older friend, or the police.