What to do if you don't love your mother. “Mom never loved me”

Hello dear psychologist! I turn to you for advice, since the situation does not suit me at all and to some extent prevents me from living. Yesterday I realized that I don't love my mom. We live separately, I don't have a father, she has a man. I came to visit her, and, despite the fact that we rarely see each other, we managed to quarrel for some half an hour of being together in the same territory! And it would be nice if the reason was serious. But she came up to me and began to mock me at the things that I was doing wrong. She always does. It feels like she's disgusted when I'm in a good mood. And in my childhood, she allowed herself to take out her dissatisfaction with life on me, while she has a much better life than most of my acquaintances. Now she teases me in an evil way and accuses me of some things that I don’t want to do (she doesn’t do it either, but in my performance it’s almost a sin). And her catchphrase is "Tell me I'm wrong!" - what's that all about? Is this how you communicate with children? And then she pretends like nothing happened. Life is not a very fair thing, but for some reason I can take insults from strangers calmly, even with humor. Her jokes always bring me to tears, despite the fact that I usually restrain myself quite easily. As a result, I do not feel the slightest desire to communicate with her, I do not miss her, and I also do not want to go to her without unnecessary need. She actually does a lot for me: she helps, makes gifts on holidays, negotiates on various issues, etc., she doesn’t drink, she is very smart, beautiful, she didn’t raise her hand to me. Everyone around her is delighted. As a result, I feel like an ungrateful bastard. But as soon as she opens her mouth to me, this "bastardism" wakes up in me again. It always seems to me that she treats others much better than with me. Of course, others are not obliged to endure it and will certainly answer! And what can I say: if my peer spoke to me in such intonations, he would need a traumatologist. But in front of my mother, I am completely powerless. And she never says anything like that to me in front of strangers. This hypocrisy pisses me off. I must love her, respect her, be grateful for her birth, for her upbringing. How can you love if you don't want to love? If before it ended in insults, now I just can’t love her. And is it normal at all? I still don't have kids, I just don't want to. And one of the reasons is that I don't want my children to think of me the way I think of my mother. Thanks in advance.

Zhanna, Russian Federation, 30 years old

Family Psychologist Answer:

Hello Zhanna.

And it would be nice if the reason was serious. But she came up to me and began to mock me at the things that I was doing wrong.

And why do you think that the reason is not serious? Systematic depreciation is serious. This means that your mother also did not put much love into you. And you can't help but feel it. Parents are expected to accept, support, approve, help. What do you get? And you sound like "she always did this", "as a child she ripped off on me ...", etc. Did your mother give you enough warmth, support, care, understanding, acceptance? Or did you mostly receive criticism, depreciation, proof of your own (her, mother's) rightness, humiliation of you as a person ...? It is clear that it happened, most likely, different things. The question is what was more, and how do you feel now. And now you feel, judging by the story, humiliated by such an attitude, indignant, offended ... And you have the right to such feelings, as well as to a different attitude towards yourself. But you can't force her. You can ask, say, under what conditions you are ready to communicate, under what conditions you are not, but, of course, you cannot force. You can make your choice - to communicate or not. You are definitely entitled to this.

She actually does a lot for me: she helps, makes gifts on holidays, negotiates on various issues, etc.

Are you ready to accept these gifts and help, taking into account the attitude towards you? There is a subtle point here: you accept these gifts and help, and this gives her the right to treat you this way. Stop accepting - perhaps you will have more firmness to say that you do not intend to communicate in this style? Perhaps you feel constantly indebted to her for gifts and help? But, perhaps, in order not to feel due - they should not be accepted then?

I must love her, respect her, be grateful for her birth, for her upbringing. How can you love if you don't want to love?

On my site "Mirror of the Soul" (link in the profile here to Cleo) there is an article "5 myths about children and parents." I think that after reading it, you will have much more thoughts on the topic of who really owes whom and what in such a situation, and also about why you cannot love her. Well, about the normality or abnormality of everything that happens ... more precisely - about patterns.

Sincerely, Nesvitsky Anton Mikhailovich.

Dear adult girls, have you ever thought about how you feel about your mothers and what words you say to them? Here I am, a mother who loved her daughter immensely, spoiled, kissed, took all the affairs on herself and what did she get? Now I also continue to clean, wash, cook, and not only for an adult daughter who knows only her job, but also for granddaughter. I can't live without my girls! But it's all my fault, no matter what happens. From my daughter, I do not hear affectionate words, but only orders. My granddaughter communicates well with me when my mother is not at home. But if my mother is at home, she begins to say bad words to me, push me, beat me (she is still small), apparently to please her mother. Naturally, my mother immediately blames me , which means I myself said something wrong and did it to the child. And all this in the presence of a girl! He is raising a chameleon, which will adapt to the circumstances. It is very insulting and hard to live like this. At the same time, I have heard from my daughter more than once that I am needed while the granddaughter is small, and then "you will live alone in old age." Yes, and not only I heard this ... Of course, after this I am no longer an angel either, I can say something in response. We tried to figure out the relationship with our daughter once and for all, to leave everything bad in the past, but, unfortunately, nothing happens .... That's how we live.

My mother is completely inadequate. Sometimes I think that she has something wrong with her head. Sometimes she harasses simply because she was bored. He has fun humiliating his daughter. God forbid this happens to your daughter. She herself is useless and unfulfilled. Even I don't need it now since I realized that she never loved me.

No. It's impossible to forgive. My awareness of dislike came at the age of 26. Until this year of my life, I forgave her everything. At 26, something happened in my life. And she turned away. The closest person took and turned away from me when help was needed. Then I realized that I didn’t need it at all in her life. And unloved in general. My brother has always been a favorite. Right now I'm 35 years old. I'm very angry at her. For all. We live in different cities. I call her for a mark every 2 months. And hearing how much she loves me and misses me very much, that it would be nice to be there (and she was more than once - everything was as usual - humiliation insults), I just grin at these words to her. I don’t smile and I’m glad that she loves me, but I grin.
Because now I don't believe. For me, these are empty words. And yes, I need to prove love by deeds, not by words about it. I even forbid my husband to just tell me that he loves me! Like this! Well, what are you ready to forgive and believe, many years after the REALIZATION of dislike, that your mommy, it turns out, loved you all her life and did it for your own good ?! Hardly.

But what if the mother still does not accept. I am 43g insults, humiliation, constant insults and claims, how much money you don’t give, whatever you do, everything is small and bad. I don’t love anymore, but I can’t stop communicating - my mother has grown old and her relationship with everyone is ruined. I call, I go, I apologize, another heavy “slap in the face”, after that I shout a small child, my husband, and so on in an endless circle.

no need to ask for forgiveness if you are not guilty .. asking for forgiveness from a mother who does not love you means giving her a sense of power over you. Don't apologize without guilt.. don't

Difficult topic. I know how many unloved daughters there are in the world. Many friends shared with me. I myself am in the same position. Childhood years, when the father was in the family, are excluded. Then he went to a younger and more attractive one. Finally accusing my mother of cheating. It doesn't matter if they were or not. But I, the fat daughter, had to pay for the insult. If she had not given birth to me, then her husband would not have left. She considers herself the best. The culprit of the gap in her eyes was me, an eleven-year-old girl. The attitude towards me immediately changed. Constant screams, insults with abusive words, everything is not like that - I stand, walk, hold my hands, look ... Every day, swearing and even beatings. Over time, this attitude changed to a constant demand for money, leveling my successes and constant slander to others. It was necessary to maintain the image of the "enemy" in the family. Making excuses in front of everyone is a waste of time.
Despite the difficulties, I think that in life I took place. True, I had to turn to a psychologist. Caring for a mother of 11 (eleven) years after strokes. I try to forgive, but I can't. With age I realized its cruelty. And a person, despite illness and helplessness, does not change. Claims and swearing have not gone anywhere

My mother loved only my brother, and I am the eldest "somehow." The demand from me was different, they brought me up with a “whip”. Now I am 37. I am a successful, wealthy woman, my brother, 30 years old, is a helpless man with an undeveloped life. I forgave my mother a long time ago. I love her very much and am grateful that I have her - alive and healthy. But I am not affectionate at all, I understand this and cannot remake myself, it is imbued in me. Dear mothers, love your children, but in moderation.

My mother, too, when I was small, was constantly dissatisfied with me, was constantly furious if I did everything the way I wanted ... Many years later, I understood why she behaved this way, because as a child she could not even say her opinion, because she always did what her older sisters and brothers told her and she did not dare to disobey.
And as for the fact that this may be reflected in the future, I believe that it depends on the person himself, because everyone builds his own life, he is the master of his life. We must forgive and let go, because it is not in vain that they say that the humpbacked grave will fix it. And most importantly, stop blaming, you need to live in the present.
Now, I have a great relationship with my mom. I forgave her because I understood why this attitude was towards me.

My mother loved only her older sister. She closed me and went for a walk with her sister. When I learned to walk, I found a jar of kerosene from thirst and drank it. Always, all my life I wanted her to love me. As a child, I brought her any yummy. This is a trauma for life. The sister is selfish, beloved. The most annoying thing is that I often heard from her that she and her sister crawled under the train, and I stayed on the other side, the train started moving. Mom said that if I climbed after them, I would be cut. protected me. When she died, I helped wash her and told her - I FORGIVE YOU.

I support Miroslava - this always remains: “you didn’t deserve it”, “you are the worst, others have children, and why are you like this to me” - and then there are a lot of words, what, I just don’t want to repeat ... And you always prove, you deserve ... She to I understood old age, but only I was almost old by that time, and it’s no longer necessary. It just keeps hurting. Mom, Mom, where have you been all my life ...

Everything is said correctly. Mom's dislike is a curse that haunts you all your life. And it's not about self-realization in professional activities, but about finding your love. When, even realizing that love is a given, you still try to deserve it. Because you can’t do otherwise, because you have been told all your life that you are not loved for this, this and that. From childhood you were taught to deserve love and not someone there, but the person whose love is taken for granted, a given, not a merit. Problems in personal life are a consequence of mother's dislike. And this is natural, because if the most dear person does not love you - mom, then who will love you at all? ..

I appeal to adults, unloved and unhappy daughters! Or maybe you need to ask yourself a question: “How capable am I of giving warmth and love to a mother? Do I overestimate the requirements for her? ”After all, she is a simple woman, with her pluses and minuses, joys and problems, with a developed or not very ability to express her feelings. Who needs this picking in relations with the mother? With an emphasis on blaming her and selflessly reveling in the topic: “My mother doesn’t love me?” Try to build your wonderful relationship with your children. I think that you are sure that you can do it. What do they think of these relationships? Adult daughters! Be wise and truly mature!

All that is possible is to understand that the way you imagined an ideal family there = your personal idealization. Why do you insist on it, especially in adulthood?
After all, you have seen cases of such treatment, or drunkenness in the family, or when everything is everything for one child, and nothing for another!
Say: "It happens too! And I don't know how to do it alone!" Your idealization has collapsed (created by you), based on nothing. You see that reality does NOT match your expectations, but you insist on your own. WHY ???
They took note that this also happens, they said: “All people are different, I allow them to behave as they see fit or right, depending on their moral attitudes.”
As long as you rush about with your experiences like this, and also build internal dialogues with such people, it will be so.
They behaved like that, and what about you?
In any case, you will not solve the problem. However, you can forgive. How is it? Yes, just recognize the right of others to lead as they want.
We can say that we can set deadlines for correcting the situation. Not? So no. Everything, there is nothing to discuss. You can't change anything else.

Yes, Zoritsa, of course, all people are different and have the right to behave as they see fit. But in this case, we are talking about the behavior of the mother - and after all, this behavior forms the personality of her child. And no matter how much later this grown child does auto-training, no matter how much he understands and forgives his mother, no matter how much he cultivates self-confidence - all the same, huge complexes from childhood, only driven deep and far away, will remain for life, breaking it . Therefore, of course, it is necessary to “let go” of all past grievances, but at the same time it is also necessary to realize that, by and large, nothing can be corrected. Under the condition of constant work on oneself, one can only more or less successfully pretend that “everything is fine, beautiful marquise” ...

And even as a child, I was able to say to myself: “It’s not me that’s bad, but you! ...” And I stopped paying attention to criticism from my mother ... let her talk! Otherwise I would just go crazy! She did what she considered necessary and did the right thing! Yes, what would happen to me if I listened to all the criticism addressed to me and took it to heart? I am now very mature, but even now, every time I meet my mother, she will “perform” something. And already as an adult, I often ask myself the question: “What did I do wrong as a child?” She studied well at school, graduated from the institute and got a profession, she was always in good standing at work ... What's wrong? Mystery of the human soul.

If I didn’t pay attention, I wouldn’t ask myself the question of what was done wrong? And what did he do wrong there, and for whom, everything is software. And so you just ASSURE yourself to yourself that everything is good with you, you don’t feel it, but you assure. You had everything, you have it, and, for sure, it will be fine, why is she still not happy with you and, finally, she won’t fall in love with you and rejoice with you in your successes?! Yes, what's wrong? Damn it!

As they say, the humpbacked grave will fix it. For all my actions, I hear only words of condemnation from my mother. And I'm 43 years old. I told her that I would no longer share and tell her nothing. Did not help. Therefore, I constantly argue with her, defending my point of view. Tired. I just try to communicate with her less often, take care of myself.

my mother never loved me, although I am an only child .. unfortunately I realized this late .. at the age of 35 .. actually I understood a long time ago, I took it for granted at 35 years old .. it is very difficult to understand that your mother does not love you .. who didn’t pass - WILL NOT understand .. at the moment I’m 48 and for every phrase my mother will always find a negative answer, up to insults, if she didn’t find other words .. besides, she is jealous of how I live and work so much that I don’t wishes my family prosperity .. she thinks that it is better, more beautiful and worthy of the life that I have .. when I buy myself (my husband or daughter) food, things or shoes - she criticizes everything .. but then I find a sweater or jacket hanging out of place or trousers with a stain.. she always tried to wear my shoes until I stopped buying shoes with low heels.. she can’t wear a hairpin.. when I cook food, she criticizes how I cook and does not eat.. but at night we caught her on the fact of eating from a frying pan .. sets her father against me and now he also does not eat cooked food and food .. by the way - we live with my parents and my husband realized that my mother does not love me, before me herself .. at first he was tactfully silent, but recently he has to protect me from the attacks of my mother .. how to let it go? ?? how to forgive???

5 Sep 1 3565

Julia Goryacheva: At 33, I realized that I did not love my mother. That I would like to give her up, delete her from my life… or I would like to change her (no matter how absurd it sounds) to a friendly, smiling, calm, soft, kind, understanding and, most importantly, accepting woman. Communication with her in recent years brings me nothing but negative emotions and, as a result, spent and unrecovered nerves.

No, not an alcoholic, not a drug addict, not a promiscuous woman. On the contrary, it is very correct, one might even say exemplary. In every way. Or rather, he wants to appear like that. And I already got these double standards!

Let's start with the fact that my mother loved to repeat all her life how she loves children, how she understands them, and how she knows how to find a common language with them. Only she gave me to be raised by her parents, after parting with my father. And then, many years later, she told me that she actually wanted to have an abortion with me, because her relationship with her dad was already on the verge, but then she decided: “Yes, that I won’t raise a child!” and gave me life ... so that later I could run away with my father and throw me away to be raised by my grandparents in another city, supposedly it was impossible to live in a hostel with children.

And I lived without my mother from one and a half to five years. She likes to repeat that she came to me every weekend, but for some reason I don’t remember her. Now, at the age of 33, already having my own three children, I am struck by the thought that in my childhood I do not remember the Main Figure of my life. I remember her sister, who came every summer, but I don’t remember her mother. Or rather, I remember one day when my grandparents told me that my mother would come today. And I was waiting for her, so waiting! But she didn't come. Probably since then I don’t remember her ...

After parting with my father, my mother deprived me of the opportunity to meet and communicate with him. She said unpleasant things about him, like he could kidnap me, urged me not to go anywhere with him when he came to my kindergarten. As a result, when he came to visit me in the 1st grade, I ran away from him, following my mother's precepts. He didn't come again.

Together with my mother, I lived my school and student years.

She was never gentle and affectionate with me and never hugged me, arguing that life is a complicated thing and she does not want to grow a nurse out of me. In general, she raised me in such a way that I was afraid of her. I was afraid to disobey, I was afraid to object, I was even afraid to confess to her when I was pawed by an English teacher, to whom she also attached me for private lessons.

My mother always loved helping her girlfriends solve relationship problems. She, a divorced woman, considered herself a guru in the relationship of a man and a woman. She always glued families, urging her friends not to get divorced under a hot hand. And only to me she liked to repeat: “Divorce your husband!” If I complained to her in my hearts about him. The apotheosis was when she called her husband's cell phone last year and also suggested that he divorce me after our skirmish. Since then, I have not told her anything, no matter what difficulties in the relationship I have.

And she also loves to brag in public about what wonderful grandchildren she has. Now there are already three of them. And I'm expecting my fourth child. But the last two might not have been - listen to my mother and do sterilization after the second child. She decided that I had enough children, that the weather, born through a caesarean section, was too hard for me. She even convinced me before the birth of my second child to agree with the doctor about sterilization. Thanks to my doctor, she said, “No way. Then you will want a boy and you will run after me with a knife. Then I really gave birth to a boy, and myself, at home, feeling the birth the way it was intended by nature. By the way, this is to the question of how much mother loves children ....

Also to the question of mother's love for children - mother's psychosis about my prolonged breastfeeding of my son. Mom probably considers herself an expert in breastfeeding. She stopped breastfeeding me when I was a month old, simply because the children's clinic told her that I was not gaining weight well because she had low-fat milk. Now she is sure that guards after a year does not give anything good to the child. Since I fed my daughters for up to a year, there were no conflicts. They started when my mother saw me feeding my son at the age of one year and 2 months. She is an expert, she knows that after a year there is nothing useful for a child in milk, and with this worthless feeding I only want to tie my son to me more when I “shove a boob into his mouth.” How many unkind looks and caustic remarks were directed at me when I fed my son with her. In the end, I couldn't take it.

I rarely explode, but here I already got it! The person who fed for a month will still teach me how much I should feed my child! I was indignant, and immediately learned a lot about myself. She said things that were very offensive to me: that I am a nervous mother, that I do not look after children well, that I am nothing of myself, that I am a bad daughter ... When I asked in tears of despair, “Mom, well, there is something in me anything good?" She angrily hissed "No!" It was very painful to hear and it became a turning point in our relationship with her. And literally an hour before that, she told the guests what wonderful parents my husband and I had raised such children. Those double standards again!

For my mother, I represent value only as a being capable of benefiting society. When I studied, spoke at conferences, wrote articles, led an active lifestyle, had numerous hobbies, changed jobs - my mother was proud of me. Then I, in my mother's understanding, lived. In the last 6 years, my life has stopped, as I have been giving birth and raising children all this time. With each child, mother liked to repeat: “It’s time to do something, you stayed at home.”

And for some reason, it doesn’t matter at all that as a result of my 6-year stay at home, my children are healthy (lack of vaccinations, hardening), active (walks in the fresh air in large numbers), creative (attending circles), cheerful and sociable ( there is a lot of time for games in their life, and the game for me is the most important thing that should be in a child’s childhood). The third child, born at home, generally has excellent health and is developing well.

No, for mom, something else is important. It turns out that I am a bad housewife (I cook porridge not in the way she thinks is right and don’t clean the apartment in a timely manner), a bad mother (I yell at the children) and a bad wife (I talk with my husband in raised tones and sometimes (oh horror!) I swear with him with children). Mom likes to emphasize that she never quarrels with her husband (she has a second marriage, got married at 47). Only I somehow became an unwitting witness to how she yelled at her husband. One illusion crumbled. And then, after all, I used to think: “Yeah, my mother doesn’t swear with her husband, so she lives right, I swear, so I live wrong.” And only recently I realized that everyone swears. It's only my mom who wants to look better than she is. Oh, how she feels sorry for our children when we swear. Previously, such phrases of hers drove me into a wild sense of guilt in front of the children. And only recently I realized that it’s better to let the children live in a full-fledged family where anything can happen than the way I spent my childhood: mom and dad didn’t swear simply because they didn’t exist in my childhood. But my grandfather and grandmother, with whom I grew up, quarreled.

Another story is my relationship with my husband.

We have been together for almost 10 years and I consider it my achievement that I manage to maintain a relationship with him and save my family, partly despite this stupid statistics that the children of divorced parents will definitely get divorced. I love my husband and can't imagine another man next to me.

Sometimes it seems to me that my mother is depressing. It would be much more pleasant for her to repeat her script. I used to be foolish to tell her about my fights with my husband. And she was immediately inspired, started calling me, urging me to throw him to hell, pick up the children and move in with her (she is in another city). And there she will arrange my life. As one of my friends joked, “Your mom wants to be your husband.” Both sad and funny.

My mother especially “supported” me when my husband had a serious accident this year. Soft-boiled machine, sternum fracture, surgery. He miraculously survived. I went through a terrible period, realizing that he was on the verge of death. On the part of my mother: not a drop of sympathy, not an ounce of understanding, although at that time we were on the same territory. Moreover, she reproached my six-year-old daughter for being too naughty when she saw her father's wrecked car and decided that her father had died. To which I exploded: “A child has the right to express her emotions as she sees fit and there is nothing to shut her mouth.” It was one of those rare occasions when I dared to contradict my mother, which, of course, she did not like and she immediately scolded me as a girl.

This accident took my relationship with my husband to a new level. We realized how much we love and appreciate each other, and the result of this was the appearance of a child.

And, can you imagine, I, a 33-year-old woman, being legally married to a beloved man, a mother of three children, was afraid to tell my mother about this fourth child. As at one time I was afraid to say about the third. I'm completely out of the family scenario. It is not customary to give birth in our family. It is customary to have abortions. I am ashamed to admit that I wanted to have an abortion with this child. And the worst thing is that I wanted to have an abortion with each of my children. With the first, because it was not clear whether my future husband would marry me or not, and even at work they began to harass me when they found out about the pregnancy, with the second, because I was horrified by the upbringing of the weather, and everyone around, including my mother, kept saying : “Oh, how hard it will be for you!”, With the third - because I just came to my senses from the weather and was about to go to work, with the fourth ... Lord (!), Is it because at one time my mother wanted to be with me get an abortion!? And all my children go through this meat grinder of terrible thoughts. What a pity that this information is driven into my head and I know about such a possibility of our valiant medicine. Here animals have no idea about abortions and give birth to everyone. And people….

Upon learning of the child, the mother was far from happy. And rather angry that I allow myself to do this! She has completely lost her mind, to give birth to so many in our time! My poor husband, I'm driving him into bondage with this fourth child.

Oh, mother, mother...

Having become a mother three times myself, I began to understand a lot. And how many illusions have disappeared over the past year! And only the bitter reality remained. I don't love my mother and I doubt if she loves me.

Comments of psychologists CONSENT.RU:

Olga Kaver, process and systems therapist, constellator: As much as we accept and respect our mother, we can find happiness, success, fullness of life. This thought of Bert Hellinger once touched me deeply. Then, when I could write something similar about the relationship with my mother. With a lot of advice, usually a mother strives to meet society's expectations of a good mother. In this way, the older generation express their concern, wedging their opinions into the lives of their children. This is their way of loving, often expressing their love in a different way, this generation of mothers does not know how.

After all, they had other ideals in Soviet times. The Soviet Union was often called the "country of the Soviets", so it was accepted - to control the life of their children, this was considered a good quality for parents. I remember from the course of training in systemic constellations the phrase: "Mother gave life, and that's enough." I thought, it’s true, life is a priceless gift to us from our parents, and, first of all, from our mother, so priceless that no amount of money in the world can often redeem it from non-existence or death. And we all received this gift. From her parents, more from her mother, she made the decision to keep the child, gave her body, risked herself, being between life and death all the time of pregnancy and childbirth. It's true - we owe our mother's life. Compared to this, the personality of our mother seems to be a less important aspect: what she thinks, does, believes.

“Everything comes from childhood - all our traumas and problems” - this position of psychoanalysis has led to the fact that several generations of people have grown up blaming their parents for everything. As long as we blame our parents for our troubles, we have not grown up. An adult mature person takes full responsibility for the changes. And it separates the “essential mother” and the “personal mother”, and receives great love from the first, since it was this part of the mother that allowed us inside, raised and fed us, and the second simply accepts the way she is. When this separation and acceptance becomes a reality, a person becomes an adult.

What to do if you can not accept and share? It is enough to give life and resources for development, these resources include love. Otherwise, a mother is a separate person, walking her own Path through life, a Path different from her children. And this gives children the freedom to develop and choose their own path.

Anastasia Platonova, psychologist, psychotherapist: “Different mothers are needed, different mothers are important” ...

To live with dislike for the mother is a heavy burden that harms, first of all, ourselves. After all, any negative attitude towards another person gives us a charge of negativity, slows us down, does not allow us to move forward. And no matter how a person cherishes this disgusting feeling in himself, he always (!) wants to get rid of it, it weighs. Salvation comes with forgiveness and acceptance. This is a very very difficult process, physically and mentally. Often we are not ready to throw hatred for those who offended us out of our lives because it seems that we will become weaker, more vulnerable, forgiving and accepting. Hate is our defense, but at what cost?

Most of us have many complaints about our parents. But all claims can be expressed in a single phrase: "She \ He \ They loved \ do not love me the way I want." Yes Yes! They all, without a single exception, love. True, love, it is sometimes expressed in very perverted ways. And if we are ready, well, or try, to accept the love of our child in any form (even if it’s “mom - you’re bad!”), Then we knowingly demand from parents exactly the kind of love that we need exactly at that moment when we need it, etc. etc. Who said parents can? After all, we do not demand from the right-hander the ideal writing of the text with the left hand? Why are we so sure that parents must be able to love?

It is important to allow at least the thought that mother did or tried to do everything she could ... Why allow this thought? In order to find peace, to be able to build your life not against the will of someone, but simply the way you want, in order to raise children, realizing that you are giving them the goodness that is inside, so that there is no black in your heart a hole that, like the Bermuda Triangle, sucks strength into nowhere.

To forgive and accept does not mean at all to allow the influence of your parents on your life, on the contrary, it means to free yourself, to untie the shackles that are pulling you back. To accept means to learn to breathe deeply, to learn to focus on yourself and your desires, without looking back at anyone. And to accept a parent always means also to make friends with that part of oneself, with which it was not possible to agree in any way before.

Olga Kolyada,practical psychologist, teacher of the training center "Ladya": Over and over again I read and listen to the confessions of adult women at trainings about difficult feelings for mothers ... It is sad, pitiful in its own way, both mother and daughter. I have nothing to say to aging mothers - they have already given, or not given, everything they could. And now they receive the corresponding "feedback" - a difficult and joyless relationship with adult daughters, or even a loss of relationships.

But I want to say to my daughters - dear, you have the right to ALL your feelings towards your mother! Everything that is. And it's not your fault - it's your misfortune if among these feelings there is no or almost no love left. Initially, the child always comes with love for the mother, it cannot be otherwise. And then the mother can perform actions (of varying degrees of awareness and for various reasons) of such severity and pain that they partially or completely block this love on your part. And how can you be to blame for this? Then - why are you embarrassed to admit calmly - yes, I don’t love my mother, maybe even hate it? Because “you can’t have such thoughts!”? It's like - there are feelings, but you can't have thoughts? Who said it? Mother?…

The paradox is that it is worth calmly allowing yourself to confess the most "bad" feelings for your mother, as the attitude towards her immediately begins to lose "degree"! Accepting what is, it is easier to build communication with her (if any) based on this given, and not on the basis of "how good daughters should be." If there is no communication, you begin to worry less because of its absence. And there are also gifts - by allowing yourself to feel all the negative feelings, you are freed from some of them, and deep under them you discover Love, which has not really gone anywhere, it just had no place on the surface before ...

This question sounds somehow strange, unnatural. The obligation to love? Our feelings are free, they are not subject to logic and reason, but they move us, fill our life with themselves. Are we obligated to love our mother?

A baby is born into the world thanks to his parents, especially his mother, who carried him under her heart for nine long months, protected him from the dangers of the outside world, gave him all her love and time. The baby grows up, first of all, thanks to his mother's care for him. For the first days and months of his life, his mother is constantly with him: he feeds, swaddles, dresses, bathes, walks, carries him in her arms. And he does it with love, with the desire to make his child healthy and happy!

Mom replaces the whole world for a little man. And the baby, in addition to purely physiological needs, experiences unconditional love for his mother, which is growing stronger every day. At first, he tries to express her with a smile, and now he can already express his feeling in quite recognizable words, saying: “Don't be afraid, mom, I love you!”. It seems that with such a course of events, the mother will not even have the thought that if she takes care of her child and devotes time to him, then he is obliged to love her in return.

A child loves his mother not at all because she has beautiful eyes and not because she buys dolls or cars for him. He just truly loves his mom! Mom and child love each other with unconditional love and live these feelings. Mutual feeling contributes to the harmonious development of parent-child relationships (although this does not mean that there will be no difficulties and crisis periods).

However, not everything in life is so smooth. Mothers are different. Everyone has their own "laws" and life values. Someone, raising a child, buying him clothes, food and other vital things, visiting the hospital, circles and sections with him, is completely sure that his son or daughter owes him something. Yes, for all the beneficence, children are simply obliged to love their mother. And this thought slips through the woman-mother, grows stronger, she is sure that she is right. And now she already mentally or more clearly obliges her child to love.

The question arises: does she herself love the one whom she gave birth to? Or even in relation to the closest people in the foreground are the market relations “you to me - I to you”? Some kind of calculated love. You can spend a lot of time with a child, work with him in various developmental groups, buy expensive things for him and fill the apartment with sweets and toys - and in return get the indifference of a child's heart. An angry thought flashes: “I am everything to him, and he is ... ungrateful!”

Children learn to love from their parents, especially from their mother. They are so sincere and sensitive that their heart cannot be deceived, they still do not know how to pretend like adults. And if you do not give a child a piece of your soul, love will not appear (although there are exceptions here: it happens that a mother puts her soul into her child, and subsequently receives indifference and complete removal as a reward).

As adults, many of us consciously understand the fact that mother gave us life, took care of us, and, despite various feelings for the mother, we are grateful to her for what we are, for what we have become. Even with complex personal relationships, we tend to respect and honor our parents and feel gratitude for the fact that we gave birth, raised, raised to our feet.

What if the mother is an alcoholic? If she gave birth and threw it into the street? If refused in the hospital? What kind of love, it would seem. From the side of such a mother, she is absent, and she has thrown off all her obligations! But the child in any case dreams of love, dreams of a good and kind mother who will hug him.

Love is something that comes from the depths of the soul. Love is a natural human need, without it there is no life. And children are the flowers of life, and they are drawn to the sun, i.e. to the warmth that mother's love gives them. Is the word "must" appropriate here?

We are obliged to repay a debt if we took money from a bank or borrowed it from a friend, we are obliged to repay a debt to our homeland, we are obliged to pay alimony, we are obliged to comply with certain norms of the society in which we live, we are obliged to maintain cleanliness and order in various state institutions - yes, we are required. But no one is obligated to love anyone. And if this ever happens, then it will no longer be our world, it will be an artificial world of new fake people.

• We cannot bear the very thought that a mother may not love us and that it is impossible to love her herself.
• And yet, "unloving" and even internally "destroying" mothers exist.
• Breaking even such a connection is incredibly difficult, but you can try to protect yourself by establishing a distance in the relationship.

“I remember my mother and I went to my former room, where I lived as a teenager,” recalls 32-year-old Lera. - She sat on the bed, crying and could not stop. The death of her mother, my grandmother, seemed to just crush her - she was inconsolable. But I didn’t understand why she was so killed: our grandmother was a real catty. Relations with which, by the way, cost her daughter more than seven years of psychotherapy.

As a result, my mother succeeded in everything: to establish a personal life, create a happy family, and even establish a reasonable relationship with her grandmother. At least I thought so. When I asked: “Why are you crying?”, She replied: “Now I will never have a good mother.” So, no matter what, she kept hoping? When my grandmother was alive, my mother said that she did not love her - so, it turns out that she was lying?

Relations with your own mother - at the slightest approach to this topic, Internet forums begin to “storm”. Why? What makes this inner bond of ours so unique that under no circumstances can it truly be broken? Does this mean that we, daughters and sons, are forever doomed to love the one who once gave us life?

social obligation

"I don't love my mother." Very few people are able to utter such words. It is unbearably painful, and the internal ban on such feelings is too strong. “Outwardly, everything is fine with us,” says 37-year-old Nadezhda. “Let’s just say: I try to communicate correctly, not to react internally, not to take anything too close to my heart.” Artyom, 38, choosing his words, admits that he maintains a “good” relationship with his mother, “although not particularly close.”

“In our public consciousness, one of the most common myths is about endless, selfless and bright love between a mother and a child,” explains psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. - There is competition between siblings; there is something in the love of a man and a woman that can darken it. And the affection of mother and child is the only feeling that, as they say, does not change over the years. No wonder folk wisdom says: "No one will love you like a mother."

The very thought “I have a bad mother” can destroy a person

“The mother remains sacred,” agrees sociologist Christine Castaine-Meunier. - Today, when traditional family cells are disintegrating, all sorts of roles - from parental to sexual - are shifting, familiar landmarks are being lost, we are trying to hold on to something stable that has passed the test of time. That is why the traditional image of the mother becomes unshakable as never before.” The mere doubt of its authenticity is unbearable.

“The very thought “I have a bad mother” can destroy a person,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It is no coincidence that in fairy tales the evil witch is always the stepmother. This not only speaks to how difficult it is to accept your negative feelings towards your own mother, but also how common such feelings are."

primordial fusion

Our relationship is dual, contradictory. “The degree of closeness that initially exists between mother and child excludes the existence of a comfortable relationship,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - First, a complete merger: we were all born under the beating of the heart of our mother. Later, for the baby, she becomes an ideal omnipotent being, able to satisfy all his needs and needs.

The moment when the child realizes that the mother is imperfect becomes a shock for him. And the less it satisfies the true needs of the child, the harder the blow: sometimes it can give rise to deep resentment, which then develops into hatred. We all know moments of bitter childhood anger - when the mother did not fulfill our desires, greatly disappointed or offended us. Perhaps you can say that they are inevitable.

“These moments of hostility are part of a child's development,” explains psychoanalyst Alain Braconnier. - If they are single, then everything goes fine. But if hostile feelings torment us for a long time, it becomes an internal problem. More often this happens with children whose mothers are too busy with themselves, prone to depression, overly demanding, or, conversely, always keep aloof.

It will be easier for us to go our own way if we try to sort out our feelings and separate guilt from them.

Mother and child seem to merge together, and the strength of emotions in their relationship is directly proportional to the intensity of this merger. It is even more difficult for single children or those who grew up in an incomplete family to admit to themselves hostile feelings towards their own mother.

“For as long as I can remember, I have always been the main reason for her life,” says 33-year-old Roman. - This is probably a great happiness, which is not given to everyone - but also a heavy burden, too. For example, for a long time I did not manage to get to know someone, to start a personal life. She couldn't share me with anyone!" Today, his connection with his mother is still very strong: “I don’t want to go far from her, I found myself an apartment very close, two stops ... Although I understand that such a relationship deprives me of real freedom.”

Almost none of the adults and even very unhappy children actually dare to burn all the bridges. They deny that they are angry with their mother, they try to understand her, they find excuses: she herself had a difficult childhood, a difficult fate, her life did not work out. Everyone tries to act “as if”… As if everything was fine, and the heart would not hurt so much.

The main thing is not to talk about it, otherwise the avalanche of pain will sweep away everything and “take it beyond the point of no return”, as Roman figuratively puts it. Adult children support this connection by all means. “I call her out of a sense of duty,” Anna, 29, admits. “After all, in her heart she loves me, and I don’t want to upset her.”

In debt from birth

Psychoanalysis speaks of "original duty" and its consequence - that feeling of guilt that binds us for life to the woman to whom we owe our birth. And whatever our feelings are, in the very depths of our souls there is still a hope that someday things can still get better somehow. “In my mind, I understand that you can’t change my mother anymore,” sighs 43-year-old Vera. “Still, I can’t accept the fact that nothing will ever change between us.”

“I lost my first child in childbirth,” recalls 56-year-old Maria. - Then I thought that at least this time my mother would at least show sympathy. But no, she did not think that the death of a child was a sufficient reason for grief: after all, I had not even seen him! Since then, I have literally lost sleep. And this nightmare continued for years - until the day when, in a conversation with a psychotherapist, I suddenly realized that I did not love my mother. And I felt that I have a right to it.”

It seems to everyone, without exception, that we were not loved the way we should have been.

We have the right not to experience this love, but we do not dare to use it. “We have a long-standing childhood insatiable longing for a good parent, a thirst for tenderness and unconditional love,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It seems to us all, without exception, that we were not loved the way we should have been. I don’t think any child had exactly the kind of mother they needed.”

It is even more difficult for someone whose relationship with his mother was difficult. “In our understanding of her, there is no separation between the almighty maternal figure, familiar to us from infancy, and a real person,” continues Ekaterina Mikhailova. “This image does not change over time: it contains the depth of childish despair, when the mother is delayed, and we think that she is lost and will not come again, and later ambivalent feelings.”

Only a “good enough” mother helps us move towards adult independence. Such a mother, satisfying the urgent needs of the child, makes him understand that life is worth living. She, without rushing to fulfill his slightest desire, gives another lesson: in order to live well, you need to gain independence.

Fear of becoming the same

In their turn, having entered into motherhood, Vera and Maria did not object to the communication of their mothers with their grandchildren, hoping that their "bad" mothers would at least become "good" grandmothers. Before the birth of her first child, Vera found an amateur film made by her father during her childhood. A laughing young woman with a little girl in her arms looked at her from the screen.

“My heart warmed,” she recalls. - In fact, our relationship deteriorated when I became a teenager, but before that, my mother seemed to be glad that I was in the world. I am sure that I was able to become a good mother to my two sons only because of these first years of my life. But when I see how today she is annoyed with my children, everything turns upside down in me - I immediately remember what she has become.

Maria, like Vera, took her mother as an anti-model for building relationships with her children. And it worked: “One day, at the end of a long phone conversation, my daughter said to me: “It’s so nice, Mom, to talk to you.” I hung up the phone and cried. I was happy that I managed to build a wonderful relationship with my children, and at the same time I was choked with bitterness: after all, I myself did not get such.

The initial lack of maternal love in the lives of these women was partially filled by others - those who were able to convey to them the desire to have a child, helped them understand how to raise him, love and accept his love. Thanks to such people, good mothers can grow up from girls with a “disliked” childhood.

Looking for indifference

When relationships are too painful, the right distance in them becomes vital. And suffering adult children are looking for only one thing - indifference. “But this protection is very fragile: the slightest step, a gesture from the mother is enough, as everything collapses, and the person is injured again,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. Everyone dreams of finding such spiritual protection ... and admits that they cannot find it.

“I tried to completely “disconnect” from her, moved to another city,” says Anna. “But as soon as I hear her voice in the receiver, it seems to pierce through me with an electric current ... No, it’s unlikely that I don’t care now either.” Maria chose a different strategy: “It’s easier for me to maintain some kind of formal connection than to break it completely: I see my mother, but very rarely.” To allow ourselves not to love the one who raised us, and at the same time not to suffer too much, is incredibly difficult. But probably.

“This is a hard-won indifference,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It comes if the soul manages to survive that long-standing lack of warmth, love and care, it comes from our pacified hatred. Childhood pain will not go away, but it will be easier for us to go our own way if we try to sort out feelings and separate guilt from them. Growing up is what it means to be freed from what fetters freedom. But growing up is a very long way.

Change relationships

To allow yourself not to love your mother ... Will it make it easier? No, Ekaterina Mikhailova is sure. It doesn't get any easier than this honesty. But the relationship will definitely get better.

“Changing the style of your relationship with your mother will make it less painful. But, just as in tango two people must move in the opposite direction, so the consent to change is required both from the mother and from the adult child. The first step is always for the child. Try to break down your conflicting feelings for your mother into components. When did these emotions appear - today or in deep childhood? Perhaps some of the claims have already expired.

By breaking up a difficult relationship, mother and child will stop poisoning each other's lives and waiting for the impossible.

Look at your mother from an unexpected angle, imagine how she would live if you were not born to her. And finally, admit that your mom can also have difficult feelings for you. When starting to build a new relationship, it is important to understand how sad it is: to walk away from a fatal and unique connection, to die for each other as a parent and child.

Having broken off a difficult relationship, the mother and child will stop poisoning each other's life and expect the impossible, they will be able to evaluate each other more coldly, soberly. Their interaction will be similar to friendship, cooperation. They will begin to appreciate the time allotted to them more, learn to negotiate, joke, manage their feelings. In a word, they will learn to live ... with the fact that it is still impossible to overcome.

Personal experience

Many of them were able to say for the first time: “Mom didn’t love me” by writing a message on the forum. The anonymity of online communication and the support of other visitors help to emotionally detach from relationships that can consume our lives. A few quotes from users of our forum.

“If she read a children's book to me (which was rare), then the name of a bad character (Tanya-revushki, Masha-confused, Dirty, etc.) was replaced by mine, and for better understanding she poked a finger at me. Another memory: we go to the neighbor's girl for her birthday, mom has two dolls. “Which one do you like better? This one? Well, then, we will give it!” According to her, this is how she brought up altruism in me.” (Freken Bock)

“Mom endlessly talked about her misadventures, and her life seemed to me a tragedy. I don’t know whether unloving mothers have some kind of special filter to filter out everything positive, or whether this is such a way of manipulation. But they also see their child exclusively negatively: his appearance, and character, and intentions. And the very fact of its existence. (Alex)

“I felt better when I was able to admit that as a child my mother did not love me. I accepted this as a fact of my biography, as if I "allowed" her not to love herself. And she “allowed” herself not to love her. Now I don't feel guilty anymore." (ira)

“The lack of love from my mother greatly poisoned the beginning of my motherhood. I understood that I should be gentle and affectionate with the child, and I tortured these feelings, at the same time suffering from the fact that I was a “bad mother”. But he was a burden to me, just as I was a burden to my parents. And then one day (I hope it's not too late) I realized that love can be trained. Pump up like muscle tissue. Daily, hourly, little by little. Do not run past when the child is open and waiting for support, affection or just participation. To catch these moments and force yourself to stop and give him what he needs so much. Through "I don't want, I can't, I'm tired." One small victory, the second, a habit appears, then you feel pleasure and joy. (Wow)

“It’s hard to believe that your mom really behaved THAT way. The memories seem so surreal that it's impossible to stop thinking about it: was it REALLY THIS? (Nik)

“I knew from the age of three that my mother gets tired of the noise (which I create) because she has high blood pressure, she does not like children's games, she does not like to hug and say affectionate words. I took it calmly: well, such a character. I loved her the way she was. If she was annoyed with me, then I whispered the magic phrase to myself: “Because my mother has hypertension.” It even somehow honorably seemed to me that my mother is not like everyone else: she has this mysterious disease with a beautiful name. But when I grew up, she explained to me that she was sick because I was a "bad daughter." And it psychologically just killed me.” (Madame Kolobok)

“For several years, together with a psychologist, I learned to feel like a woman, to choose clothes not for reasons of “practical”, “non-marking” (as my mother taught), but according to the principle “I like it”. I learned to listen to myself, understand my desires, talk about my needs ... Now I can communicate with my mother as with a friend, a person of a different circle who cannot hurt me. Perhaps this can be called a success story. The only thing is that I don't really want children. Mom said: "Do not give birth, do not get married, this is hard labor." I am an obedient daughter. Although now I live with a young man, it means that I left myself a loophole. (Oxo)