Rules for developing a child's self-esteem. Nurturing a child's self-esteem

“I’m afraid I won’t pass the exam,” “I think I won’t be accepted into the school team,” “I’m not sure I can play the guitar as well as dad.” Have you ever heard something similar from your child? If your answer is yes, it means your child lacks self-confidence.

The things you do and don't do, the words you say and don't say to your child, the feelings you express or don't express - all of this affects his self-confidence. To develop confidence in a child, you must treat him right.

Let's consider what actions you can take to help with this.

1. Love and acceptance

Of course you love your child no matter what. But does the child himself know about this? Does he know that you love him, accept him and respect his choices?

Show your child love, even if you can't do it all the time. The child must know that he is loved and accepted, regardless of his strengths and weaknesses. Unconditional love is the basis for a child to grow up to be a confident person.

The main thing is to respect your child as an individual.

2. Focus on strengths, correct weaknesses

Nobody is perfect, and children are no exception. But to raise a confident child, you shouldn't dwell on shortcomings.

Raising children should be aimed at developing the strengths of their character. At the same time, the child should feel able to develop and perform various tasks. Otherwise (for example, the child does poorly in school, fails in sports, etc.), help him see his strengths. Tell him what he is good at.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't pay attention to all errors. Teach your child to learn from his mistakes, but pay special attention to his achievements. This will remind your child that they can succeed if they want to.

3. Don’t rush to help your child at the first difficulty.

Parents tend to protect their children and do everything possible to prevent them from feeling the bitterness of defeat, disappointment or pain. But rushing to help your child every time he encounters the slightest problem is a bad idea. You can provide him with some help, but the child must solve his problems on his own.

4. Let your child make decisions

Decision making is an important life skill that a child must master to gain self-confidence. Making decisions encourages a child because he sees different possibilities and can choose what suits him best. But while maturity has not yet arrived, the child may not know how to make decisions.

To help your child learn to make decisions, first give him two options to choose from. For example, you can offer your six-year-old daughter to choose what to wear to school (within reasonable limits, of course). But explain to her that she cannot choose whether to go to school or not.

Allowing your child to make healthy choices (such as what to wear, what movie to watch, etc.) also teaches him to take responsibility for his decisions.

5. Encourage and develop your child's talents

Many children have special interests. Some people love music or dancing, others are naturally good at drawing. Determine what your child is talented at and develop his abilities. If your child loves to draw, enroll him in an art school. If he likes any sport, send him to the sports section.

Developing a child's aptitudes and talents is a great way to build their self-confidence.

6. Give your child responsibility

One of the most effective ways to build your child's self-confidence is to give him small tasks that he knows he can complete. Knowing that a child can accomplish something on his own can be exhilarating. When you complete a task easily without experiencing difficulty, your brain is recharged and ready to take on new tasks. Therefore, it is best to entrust your child with simple chores around the house. Don't forget to praise him when he does the assigned task well.

For example, an eight-year-old child might be assigned to feed the dog every morning. When he does this without prompting, praise him for it.

7. Praise your child when he deserves it.

When a child does something wrong, parents often reprimand him. But it is equally important to praise him when he does everything right. However, parents often forget about this. Of course, you shouldn't praise your child for every little thing, but if he puts in the effort and gets the job done, or does something right for a long time, praise him.

For example, if your child feeds the dog for several weeks without being reminded, give him credit for his efforts. Even a simple “well done” will boost his self-confidence.

8. Teach your child positive self-hypnosis

Self-hypnosis is an internal dialogue with oneself. What we tell ourselves every minute greatly affects our self-esteem and self-confidence. Our thoughts influence our emotions and our potential success. Therefore, if a child believes that he can cope with any task, his chances of success increase significantly.

By instilling positive thoughts in themselves, young children learn to control themselves and achieve success in life.

9. Set realistic goals for your child.

The surest way to make a child doubt his own abilities is to give him tasks that he cannot complete. But if you want your child to achieve success in life and grow up healthy and confident, set realistic goals that are appropriate for his age.

For example, if you want your child to learn to play the piano, this is a very realistic goal. But it is unrealistic to expect him to learn to play in a month. In this case, it is better to set short-term goals for your child: learn notes, learn to play simple melodies, etc. But if you want your child to win a music competition after a month of lessons, you are setting him up for failure and disappointment, not self-confidence.

10. Allow your child to accept their own defeats.

No matter how hard you try, you cannot protect your child from failure and defeat. Like all people, your child will experience setbacks, pain, and disappointment from time to time. And that's okay. In such cases, it is not enough to simply tell the child: “Don’t be a big deal” or “Don’t take it to heart.”

Teach your child to be emotionally flexible and calmly accept victories and defeats. Tell him that it's okay to fail sometimes and he can win next time if he tries.

The child is able to learn from his mistakes and correct them next time. The point is to explain to your child that failures are natural, and after them you can always find a way to achieve success.

11. Be a good role model

Are you unsure of yourself? Doubt your abilities? If so, how can you expect your child to grow up to be confident?

Children do as you do, not as you say. Deal with your self-esteem and confidence issues and be a good role model for your child.

12. Encourage your child to express his feelings

A confident child can express his feelings without feeling uncomfortable or being overly emotional or aggressive. Confidence comes from expressing feelings in healthy ways and knowing when to be calm.

Encourage your child to express feelings verbally or in writing. Teach him to remain calm in difficult situations. Explain to your child that they should not suppress their feelings because they may come out when they are experiencing difficulties.

How to instill self-esteem in a child. We live in a society where one of the key values ​​is freedom. We long to throw off all restrictions and overcome boundaries. We want to raise our children to be free and independent. But, as practice shows, you can become free only by imposing certain restrictions on yourself.

British psychologist Robert McKenzie believes that the entire parenting experience fits into a three-dimensional approach to raising our children. According to the scientist's concept, most of us use one of three parenting strategies: permissiveness, authoritarian or democratic.

How to foster self-esteem in a child: Three approaches to education

Who would deny something to their beloved child? We are ready to do everything possible and impossible for our child. We are ready to “get hurt”, but we buy him whatever he wants and do not forbid him to do whatever he wants. This is the permissive approach.

His main motto is everything for children.

Parents who use this strategy are afraid of throwing their children off balance. As a rule, such adults take part in solving all the problems of children, and they, in turn, grow up with the conviction that their parents always owe them everything, that rules exist for others, but not for them.

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Some parents try to shape and control the behavior of their children in an authoritarian manner in accordance with their ideas about upbringing standards (usually unrealistically high).

Children must comply with their parents' demands. They are obliged to be obedient to authority, to be busy with work and to respect the traditionally established order.

All problems are solved with the help of force, through the “winner-loser” strategy. Parents in such families guide and control the child in everything.

Their children grow up with the understanding that communication and problem solving is a painful process, and that all decisions are the responsibility of the parents, and their voice is not taken into account.

In such conditions, children often rebel, take revenge on their parents, burst into anger, or, on the contrary, become isolated and withdraw into themselves.

Parents who choose a democratic method of education are guided by the idea that children are capable of solving their own problems; they just need to be motivated to cooperate with an adult. Such parents tend to leave room for their children to make choices and allow them to learn from their mistakes.

They are focused on cooperation with children, implementing the “winner-winner” strategy, their relationships are full of mutual respect, children take an active part in solving problems. In such conditions, children learn well responsibility, cooperation, the ability to choose and draw conclusions from their actions.

The presence of such boundaries helps to introduce clear principles of behavior and reveal to the child your expectations in relation to him. They also determine the balance of power in the family and establish the hierarchy of family relationships.

Numerous studies confirm that children whose families have such boundaries grow up with an awareness of their own dignity and confidence in their abilities.

We live in a society where one of the key values ​​is freedom. We long to throw off all restrictions and overcome boundaries. We want to raise our children to be free and independent. But, as practice shows, you can become free only by imposing certain restrictions on yourself.

British psychologist Robert McKenzie believes that the entire parenting experience fits into a three-dimensional approach to raising our children. According to the scientist's concept, most of us use one of three parenting strategies: permissiveness, authoritarian or democratic.

Three approaches to education

Who would deny something to their beloved child? We are ready to do everything possible and impossible for our child. We are ready to “get hurt”, but we buy him whatever he wants and do not forbid him to do whatever he wants. This is the permissive approach.

His main motto is everything for children. Parents who use this strategy are afraid of throwing their children off balance. Usually, such adults take part in solving all children’s problems, and they, in turn, grow up with the conviction that their parents always owe them everything, that rules exist for others, but not for them.

Some parents try to shape and control the behavior of their children authoritarianly in accordance with your ideas about educational standards(usually unrealistically inflated).

Children must comply with their parents' demands. They are obliged to be obedient to authority, to be busy with work and to respect the traditionally established order. All problems are solved with the help of force, through the “winner-loser” strategy. Parents in such families guide and control the child in everything.

Their children grow up with the understanding that communication and problem solving is a painful process, and that all decisions are the responsibility of the parents, and their voice is not taken into account. In such conditions, children often rebel, take revenge on their parents, burst into anger, or, on the contrary, become isolated and withdraw into themselves.

Parents who choose a democratic method of education are guided by the idea that children are capable of solving their own problems; they just need to be motivated to cooperate with an adult. Such parents tend to leave room for their children to make choices and allow them to learn from their mistakes. They are focused on cooperation with children, implementing the “winner-winner” strategy, their relationships are full of mutual respect, children take an active part in solving problems. In such conditions, children learn well responsibility, cooperation, the ability to choose and draw conclusions from their actions.

The presence of such boundaries helps to introduce clear principles of behavior and reveal to the child your expectations in relation to him. They also determine the balance of power in the family and establish the hierarchy of family relationships. Numerous studies confirm that children whose families have such boundaries grow up with an awareness of their own dignity and confidence in their abilities.

The same studies indicate that in families where parents treat children with cordial tenderness and warmth, control them within reasonable limits, while simultaneously setting high demands on them, children grow up more adapted to an independent successful life.

Therefore, the third of the proposed models can be called the “golden mean” model and proposed as the most environmentally friendly and successful parenting strategy.

MOSCOW, October 17 - RIA Novosti. A person’s sense of self-worth does not depend on his material well-being: for a janitor it can be much higher than for an oligarch. However, for people with disabilities, the opportunity to work and earn money allows them to feel like a full-fledged member of society, according to experts and psychologists interviewed by RIA Novosti.

World Dignity Day, which is held annually on October 17 in more than 50 countries around the world, is designed to draw public attention to fostering a sense of leadership and self-respect. In Russia, this event is being held for the second time and it is expected that special events for this day will be held at educational sites in Moscow, St. Petersburg and Ulan-Ude.

You may not be an oligarch...

Every person has a sense of self-esteem, the only difference is that it is different for everyone, noted psychotherapist Konstantin Olkhovoy. “One of the main determinants of the size of a sense of dignity may be the size of the line beyond which a person is ready to cross or is not ready to cross and considers it unworthy of himself. Some consider it unworthy to humiliate and offend other people, while others believe that they should not take into account the opinion strangers," Olkhovoy noted.

According to him, a sense of dignity is determined by a person’s upbringing. A janitor's self-esteem can be much higher than, for example, an oligarch. “I think that the material side plays a secondary role here. It’s another matter if a person, for example, was raised from childhood in such a way that only the rich can have self-esteem, then poverty for this person will be a determining factor,” the expert believes.

Olkhovoy believes that in order to instill proper self-esteem in a person, it is important not only to love the child, but also to respect his views. “Too often we forget that a child is an independent person, with his own problems and joys. And the more we respect our own children, the more the child develops a sense of self-esteem. If a child sees that they treat him and other people with respect , often this builds a sense of self-esteem that does not infringe on the feelings of other people, but supports oneself and others,” Olkhovoy said.

Decent education

One of the main life lines in the development of a child is his relationship with his mother. In these relationships, from early childhood, either basic trust in the world or distrust is born, says Vice-President of the Russian Society of Psychologists, Academician of the Russian Academy of Education, Professor Alexander Asmolov. “Any sense of dignity is based on trust in the world and faith in yourself,” he said.

He also believes that a child needs to be taught responsibility for the actions he commits from early childhood. “Love alone without generating responsibility will not lead to the formation of attitudes of self-esteem,” the professor added.

From childhood, a child should learn not only to be compassionate, but also to learn to be happy for the people around him, the psychologist explained.

“We know that children between the ages of 5 and 7 can empathize with other children when misfortune occurs. However, children are very weak at being happy for other children. It is no coincidence that psychologists say: people can sympathize, but only angels can rejoice.” , - added the psychologist.

Independence and independence

According to Mikhail Novikov, project manager of the regional public organization of disabled people "Perspective", a person gains self-esteem when he feels self-sufficient and independent.

“A disabled person cannot fully feel independent in Russia, but independence is the basis of self-esteem. Unfortunately, in our society there are many barriers for people with disabilities that they are constantly forced to face. You should always look for someone who will help: climb the steps, go down the curb, get into the building. You constantly have to look for someone’s help. And this hits your dignity, your pride," Novikov believes.

Nikolai Morzhin, executive director of the regional public organization Center for Curative Pedagogy, agrees with him.

“The level of self-esteem of each individual person depends on the state of society as a whole. It is no longer so important whether he has a disability or not,” he is sure.

“It’s important to find something to do in life. Nothing raises self-esteem more than the opportunity to earn money. When you can invite your mother to a restaurant and pay for dinner, you rise not only in her eyes, but in yours too,” says Novikov.

He also noted that the development of inclusive education, when children with disabilities can study together with their healthy peers, will allow children with disabilities to fully realize their potential. Specialized correctional schools and boarding schools, he said, can lead to suppression of a child’s self-esteem.

“Children in a boarding school are obliged to listen to their teachers in everything, follow the routine, and not argue. And what is most important, their own opinion is not accepted by anyone,” he is sure.

According to him, education also plays an important role in the formation of personality.

“Recently I witnessed an unpleasant scene. A mother brought her son with cerebral palsy to rehabilitation classes, and I was struck by her conversation with the child. She told him: “Get used to it, we’ll have to crawl like this for the rest of our lives.”... The child cries, she is stern with him and constantly reminds him of his disability. This, of course, is wrong,” says Novikov.

Children need rights to have self-esteem. And also - faith in yourself. Therefore, our task is to believe in your child. Believe with all your might, no matter what happens. And then he will learn to believe in himself. He will grow up to be a confident person. From statements: “My mother always believed in me. I often heard from her: “I believe in you. You can handle it." I will never forget the feeling I felt every time I heard this: pride in myself, confidence in my abilities. The shoulders straightened. And I learned to believe in myself. Her faith still supports me in life.”

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Consultation for parents

How to raise a child with self-esteem

All my life I have been squeezing the slave out of myself drop by drop.

A.P. Chekhov

What is behind the famous saying of A.P. Chekhov? Why do people remember it and say it so often? How is a slave different from any other person? And what does all this have to do with the topic of parent-child relationships?

Let's try to figure it out. We look at Ozhegov in the Explanatory Dictionary:

"Slave. In a slave society: a person deprived of all rights and means of production and who is the complete property of the owner - the master who controls his work and life."

A person deprived of all rights is a slave. Apparently, every person has the right not to be someone else's property and to have complete control over his work and his life. And the less slavery we and our children have inside, the more self-esteem we will have.

Children need rights to have self-esteem. And also - faith in yourself. Therefore, our task is to believe in your child. Believe with all your might, no matter what happens. And then he will learn to believe in himself. He will grow up to be a confident person. From statements: “My mother always believed in me. I often heard from her: “I believe in you. You can handle it." I will never forget the feeling I felt every time I heard this: pride in myself, confidence in my abilities. The shoulders straightened. And I learned to believe in myself. Her faith still supports me in life.”

Criticism is one of the main reasons for low self-esteem. A child should not be the perfection that we have imagined for ourselves. He lives for the first time, and not everything should work out for him the first time. Talk about your feelings using “I” statements. Don't give negative messages - they can leave an emotional scar throughout your life.

Negative messages are what a child hears addressed to him quite often: “Nothing will come of you! You're stupid! You will be a janitor! They can poison a person’s life, or they can determine his fate. And further. Our children learn from us. If we ourselves are sloppy, then what right do we have to demand neatness from a child? It's just not fair. You have to start with yourself!

Why do we love to criticize so much rather than praise and support? Probably because we weren’t really spoiled with praise when we were children. There are very specific guidelines: “No matter how much you praise, otherwise you will become arrogant,” “Modesty adorns a person.” So parents are afraid to praise their son or daughter once again. And you definitely need to praise! Remember how you felt when someone praised you as a child. Wings grow behind your back! And what energy you are charged with!

A person is born without knowing what he is. A small child has nothing to do with this: whether he is good or bad, beautiful or not very good. He simply lives and enjoys life if he is surrounded by love, attention, and care. And only then will he find out whether he is smart or stupid, handsome or scary, capable or so-so. And the most important assessment for him is the assessment of his parents. Because they are the most significant people for a growing child. With the eyes they look at him, that’s how he will look at himself. "You are handsome. You are clever. I love you. “I believe in you” - this is what is important for a child to hear from his parents. But he often hears something completely different.

Adults sometimes do not realize that by angrily criticizing a child, they are simply discharging their anger and helplessness. Because they don’t know how to do otherwise. We didn't learn. This is how we were once brought up, and these stereotypes of upbringing have become ingrained with us. And although we swore that we would never raise our children the way our parents raised us, nothing came of it. In our cries we recognize mother's and father's voices. And then there is a feeling that you are walking in a circle.

In order for your child’s self-esteem to be in order, find his strengths. Look how polite, affectionate, attentive he is, and what a good helper he is! Practice the compliment technique for five minutes before bed, sitting on your child’s bed. Daily! And then your son or daughter will not be recognized, and the relationship will noticeably improve.

What to do if you don’t like something in your child’s behavior? You just need to separate the child’s personality from his actions. Evaluate the action, but under no circumstances criticize the person. Using “I-statements”, we talk about our feelings: “Petya! I love you very much. And I'm annoyed by your clothes strewn all over the house. I want you to remove it!” We talk about our feelings regarding the child’s actions, but do not humiliate him.

We are parents, the first significant adults for our child. It is from us that he learns whether he is capable and handsome or a “stupid freak.” And he trusts us infinitely. Children listen attentively, peer into this assessment of us, and gradually it develops into self-esteem, which can be positive or negative, overestimated or underestimated.

How is low self-esteem formed? Constant criticism, which leads to emotional trauma, habitual negative messages, systematic suppression of will and initiative, violation of the child’s rights up to and including physical punishment, inflated expectations, constant comparisons with those who are better, higher, further, more successful... With such comparisons, the child must lose. “Look how neat Zinochka is, and you...” Sometimes parents, when making comparisons, use themselves as an example: “When I was your age, I was an excellent student, but you can barely get C’s!” But this, unfortunately, does not help either relationships or success. These are parental illusions that the child will follow the designated example, reach out for him and become what the parents want to see him. But you never manage to reach out, and the feeling of your own imperfection and inferiority only grows stronger.

In order for a child to have everything in order with self-esteem, he must be sure that he is loved, beautiful, and smart. Your child will never get tired of hearing, no matter how many times a day you repeat that you love him.There is no such thing as too much love, and don’t be afraid to spoil it.

Literature:

Skovronskaya L.V. Parent class, or a practical guide for doubting parents. - M.: Genesis, 2014. - 328 p. – (Parents' library)