“I am a terrible mother and I do not love my child”: what is postpartum depression. I'm a Terrible Mother

The most serious mistake that many mothers and grandmothers make when raising a daughter and, accordingly, a granddaughter is programming her for a certain mandatory set of skills and qualities that she must possess. “You must be nice”, “You must be accommodating”, “You must like”, “You must learn to cook”, “You must”. There is nothing wrong with the ability to cook, but the girl develops a flawed mindset: you will have value only if you meet a set of criteria. Here, a personal example will work much more effectively and without trauma for the psyche: let's cook delicious soup together. Let's get home together. Let's choose your hairstyle together. Seeing how mom does something and enjoys it, the daughter will want to learn this. And vice versa, if a mother hates some business, then no matter how much she repeats that this needs to be learned, the girl will have a subconscious rejection of the process. But in fact, everything that is needed, the girl will still learn sooner or later. When she needs it herself.

The second mistake that is often found in the upbringing of daughters is the heavy, judgmental attitude towards men and sex, which is transmitted to her by the mother. “They all need one thing”, “Look, he will swear and leave”, “The main thing is not to bring it in the hem”, “You must be inaccessible.” As a result, the girl grows up with the feeling that men are aggressors and rapists, that sex is something dirty and bad that should be avoided. At the same time, her body will begin to send signals to her with age, hormones will begin to rage, and this internal contradiction between the prohibition coming from the mother and the desire coming from the inside is also very traumatic.

The third mistake, which surprisingly contrasts with the second, is that closer to the age of 20, the girl is told that her formula for happiness consists of "get married and give birth." And ideally - up to 25 years, otherwise it will be too late. Think about it: at first, in childhood, she was told what she should learn (list) in order to get married and become a mother, then for several years she was broadcast the idea that men are goats, and sex is dirt, and here again: get married and give birth . It is paradoxical, but often it is precisely such contradictory attitudes that mothers voice to their daughters. The result is a fear of relationships as such. And the risk of losing yourself, losing touch with your desires and realizing what the girl really wants is seriously increasing.

The fourth mistake is overprotection. Now this is a big problem, mothers are increasingly tying their daughters to themselves and surrounded by so many prohibitions that it becomes scary. Don’t go for a walk, don’t be friends with these, call me every half an hour, where you are, why you were late for 3 minutes. Girls are not given any freedom, they are not given the right to make decisions, because these decisions may turn out to be erroneous. But it normal! At the age of 14-16, a normal teenager goes through the process of separation, he wants to decide everything himself, and (with the exception of life and health issues) he needs to be given such an opportunity. Because if a girl grows up under her mother's heel, she will establish herself in the idea that she is a second-class creature, incapable of an autonomous existence, and other people will always decide everything for her.

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The fifth mistake is the formation of a negative image of the father. It does not matter whether the father is present in the family or the mother raises the child without his participation, it is unacceptable to turn the father into a demon. You can’t tell a child that his shortcomings are bad heredity on the paternal side. It is impossible to denigrate the father, whatever he may be. If he really was a "goat", then the mother should also recognize her share of responsibility for the fact that she chose this particular person as the father of her child. It was a mistake, so the parents broke up, but the responsibility for the one who took part in the conception cannot be outweighed by the girl. She's definitely not at fault here.

The sixth mistake is corporal punishment. Of course, no children should be beaten, ever, but it is worth recognizing that it hurts girls more. Psychologically, the girl quickly slides from normal self-esteem to the position of a humiliated and subordinate. And if physical punishment comes from the father, this will almost certainly lead to the fact that the girl will choose the aggressors as partners.

The seventh mistake is not praising. The daughter should grow up, constantly hearing that she is the most beautiful, the most beloved, the most capable, the most-most. This will form a healthy, normal self-esteem. This will help the girl grow up with a sense of self-satisfaction, self-acceptance, self-love. This is the key to her happy future.

The eighth mistake is a showdown with your daughter. Parents should never arrange quarrels in front of children, this is simply unacceptable. Especially when it comes to the personal qualities of the mother and father, mutual accusations. The child must not see this. And if this happened, both parents should apologize and explain that they did not cope with their feelings, quarreled and already reconciled, and most importantly, the child has nothing to do with it.

The ninth mistake is the incorrect living of the girl's puberty. There are two extremes here: allow everything, so as not to lose contact, and prohibit everything, so as not to “miss out”. As they say, both are worse. The only way to overcome this difficult period for all without sacrifice is firmness and goodwill. Firmness - in upholding the boundaries of what is permitted, goodwill - in communication. For girls at this age, it is especially important that they talk a lot with them, ask questions, answer idiotic questions, share their memories. And you need to react more calmly, never use these conversations against the child. If this is not done now, there will never be intimacy, and the grown-up daughter will say: “I never trusted my mother.”

Finally, the last mistake is the wrong attitude to life. Girls should never be told that her life must include certain items. Marry, give birth, lose weight, not get fat, and so on. The girl must be tuned in to self-realization, to the ability to listen to herself, to the opportunity to do what she likes, what she succeeds in, to enjoy herself, independence from other people's assessments and public opinion. Then a happy, beautiful, self-confident woman ready for a full-fledged partnership will grow up.

Anastasia, 27 years old, St. Petersburg

The child was very desired, planned. The birth went quickly, with almost no pain. Joyful relatives met me from the maternity hospital. A few days at home with me and my son was my husband, who specifically took a few days off.

It all started when I was left alone, one on one with the child. The baby was very restless and was constantly crying, I did not have enough milk, I began to supplement him with formula, and everything seemed to be more or less normal, but then various bad thoughts came into my head. I just couldn’t hear him crying, I wanted to run away, to be alone for a second, so that no one would touch me, so that I could just sit alone. I began to wait for my husband from work, gave him my son, and I myself went for a walk with the dog, looked at people. It was summer, everyone was so joyful and happy, but it seemed to me that my life was over and that I would forever sit within four walls and would never be happy again. This is a terrible state, you cannot just rejoice at your baby, so long-awaited, so beautiful! On a walk with a child, I looked at other women and did not understand why they were happy. Where do they get the strength to smile? I started smoking again.

I thought that the birth of a child is a natural process, which is unconditional happiness, and the maternal instinct in me will immediately wake up, but this did not happen

My husband tried to be supportive. He took care of household chores, rocked his son at night and tried to bring me to my senses when there were tantrums. He never reproached me for my condition, but he did not understand what was happening to me. And I had only one thought: I am a terrible mother and I do not love my child.

My mother knew about my condition, but she was very aggressive towards it, she was ashamed of me. When I started whining that I feel bad, that I can’t live like this, and so on, she rudely put me in my place. I felt uncomfortable. I did not go to the doctors, which I now regret. I just talked on the forums with the same poor fellows like me.

About a month later, they began to let me go, I began to be distracted by household chores, I chose different routes for walking with my child. In the end, I got over it by simply pulling myself together. I looked at my son and said to myself: "No one can love this child as much as I do." I found a hobby, my son became calmer, I had a little more time for myself. Remembering that state of mine, I feel shame in front of the child. I don't want this to ever happen again.

Julia, 28 years old, Moscow

gave birth at 25, first child

Before going on maternity leave, I was a corporate account manager in a small company. She worked hard and with pleasure, almost without days off. I had strength, there was no toxicosis, I earned money for childbirth, cribs, toys, and so on. She went on maternity leave a month before giving birth, only because she was already physically unable to move quickly.

After giving birth, I looked at my roommates who were touched by their children, spoke tender words to them, stroked and hugged them, but I couldn’t do this in relation to my own child, I didn’t know how, I didn’t understand how and why, I didn’t feel this very motherly love but felt inadequate. I thought that the birth of a child is a natural process, which is unconditional happiness, and the maternal instinct in me will immediately wake up, but this did not happen. I became withdrawn, suffered from insomnia, confused the times of the day, and got irritated. There were thoughts of suicide (neither before nor after that there was no more), outbreaks of aggression. I felt lonely and abandoned, although my husband was there and helped. At night I cried, told him how scared I was, that I couldn’t control myself, I didn’t feel any love either for the child or for anyone.

There was no happiness, no butterflies and unicorns, there were only crosses with which I crossed out days on the calendar, not understanding why

I have a psychological education, and when I put it all together - suicidal thoughts, sleep disturbance and apathy - I realized that it was depression. Already on the decline of the acute condition, when the child was eleven months old, she turned to a Gestalt psychologist, although it should have been done earlier. The diagnosis was made as follows: borderline condition. We spent about four sessions with her, and I felt better. Reading literature on developmental psychology also helped, as well as the support of her husband, mother and neighbor: she has a child six months older than mine, she also walked with bruises under her eyes, but she smiled.

I would advise mothers to get enough sleep, think first of all about themselves and their well-being, not try to do everything and be an ideal mother, wife, worker and so on at the same time, accept help and ask for it. I would also advise you to prepare yourself informationally for the birth of a child, read books, articles on the Internet (not forums!), go to courses, and if you notice signs of depression, then go to a proven psychologist.

Sofia, 31, Moscow

gave birth at 30, first child

No one officially diagnosed me with postpartum depression, but the suspicion arose fairly quickly. Even in the maternity hospital, my daughter and I had a problem with feeding: she was constantly sleeping, it was impossible to wake her up and not feed her. When she woke up hungry, she would spit out my milk and fall into hibernation again. Lost weight rapidly.

I certainly didn't expect anything like this. I even took a book with me to finally relax. Instead, I had to rush through articles on How to Breastfeed, which said the same thing in different words: if things are not going well, then the mother is not trying hard enough. As a result, I rushed about the hospital room like a pale, roaring, swollen ghost. The joy of motherhood is the last thing I felt. But it was not to breathe from the responsibility that had fallen on me and the feeling of utter worthlessness.

For the first month, I struggled to fucking breastfeed. As a result, I hated the whole world. But it wasn't just the food. My life, which I built brick by brick exactly the way I liked it, suddenly collapsed. Everything went wrong, nothing worked for me. And I did not see any prospects. I just wanted to sleep and cry. There was no happiness, no butterflies and unicorns, there were only crosses with which I crossed out days on the calendar, not understanding why.

I am very lucky with my family and friends. They supported me the best they could. My husband would rush home every day after work and melt into our daughter, and I could sit alone. The mother-in-law, with whom we lived at that time (our apartment was mired in repairs), took over the cooking for everyone, including me. And I had to cook separately, because I had a "menu for a little nursing mother." My 80-year-old grandmother came from the other end of Moscow to take a walk with her great-granddaughter. My friends dragged me out to cafes and listened to my confused tales about things not being as radiant as expected.

Postpartum depression is not an invention of pampered mothers, but a serious disease that needs to be treated.

I could not recover for a little over a year. Several things helped me. The support of relatives is really very important, especially the help of a husband. I know that many fathers cannot stay with the kids, and this subsequently makes life very difficult for mothers. I first went out with a friend in a cafe a week after giving birth. Two months after giving birth, I went to work part-time. And a couple of months later, a crisis broke out, the ruble fell, and the husband was left without a job. He decided to take advantage of the break to finish the renovations in our new apartment. And then he decided to stay at home with his daughter. So we switched roles. At first it scared me terribly. Then I began to notice that I was rapidly getting better. In addition, I realized that I can feed my family.

The next step was to accept that my life would never be the same again. Everything turned out to be so difficult and unusual that I clung to the past and tried to forget my problems, returning to that life at least sometimes - for example, during the same trips to the cafe. They supported me - but they also slowed me down. It’s as if I’m a normal person there, but at home I’m in a strange role that doesn’t suit me. And there was no way to combine it all into one image.

Therefore, I turned to a psychologist - a year after giving birth. So late only because I couldn't find the right one. And I didn't even know how to search. I asked my friends, they called me names and then - sky-high figures for me of their fees. By chance, I found out that there is a free one for Muscovites in the capital. Figured that there seems to be nothing to lose, and called. I said I had "postpartum depression or something" and was referred to a prenatal psychologist. It turned out that Muscovites have the right to 10 free sessions, and then, after a three-month break, ten again, and so at least for a lifetime.

Three months have passed since then, and I finally found some kind of harmony. I can say that the depression is gone. However, the psychologist did not give me such an official diagnosis, besides, she said that it was none of her business - psychiatrists do this. But if she saw clinical signs in me, she would refer me to them, they are also in the service.

Expert opinion

Tatyana Yazykova

- Is there such a diagnosis as postpartum depression?

Yes, according to ICD-10 (International Classification of Diseases) such a diagnosis, code - F53.0. Accordingly, postpartum depression is not an invention of pampered mothers, but a serious disease that needs to be treated. According to statistics, postpartum depression of varying severity occurs in 15% of cases.

When does it become clear that we are talking about postpartum depression, and not about a short-term mood disorder, which is called baby blues in English-language articles on the topic?

The mood changes depending on what is happening in life. The baby slept well, managed to do something for herself - she felt satisfied. She took it in her arms, pressed it to her - warmth and tenderness spilled over her body. I understood why I was crying - I am pleased with myself. I managed to sleep - I felt rested. They let me go to a girlfriend or to the theater - I experienced pleasure. When a woman has a real depression, she sleeps and does not get enough sleep, she rests, but this does not help either. Nothing brings positive vibes. And the most painful thing is that she loses her sense of the meaning of what is happening, she does not feel that at least something brings relief and joy. He takes the child in his arms and feels nothing. The hardest thing about postpartum depression is that a woman tries but can't feel love for her baby. And she is torn apart by guilt and the feeling that she is a bad mother. It's not baby blues at all.

- Can postpartum depression appear not immediately after childbirth, but, say, after a couple of months?

According to the ICD, postpartum depression begins within six weeks of childbirth. According to medical observations, most often immediately after childbirth. After six weeks, it's just depression.

Is there any risk group? Is it possible to predict the development of depression in the mother even before the birth of the child and somehow prevent it?

Anxious-depressive individuals are more prone to depression. Also, postpartum depression is more likely to develop if a woman has a history of depression. Predicting depression before having a baby is difficult. But after the birth of a child, the woman herself needs to be attentive to herself, and her relatives to her, and if something is wrong, consult a specialist as soon as possible.

How to deal with postpartum depression? Which specialist to contact?

Depression is treated quite successfully with medication and psychotherapy. For mild depression, a psychologist can help. Existential and cognitive-behavioral therapy are very good at helping to cope with depression. Existential therapy helps to find the lost meaning of life, to find access to blocked resources. Cognitive-behavioral teaches you to recognize depressive thoughts in yourself and change them to adequate ones. So, with depression, so-called overgeneralization often occurs. For example, "I'm a bad mother." This conclusion is based on a single episode. For example, a child has a cold and is ill. And the woman begins to blame herself excessively, forgetting that she coped with all the other worries quite successfully. A psychologist helps to open your eyes to the life situation as a whole and draw plausible conclusions. But if psychological help does not help, then you need to contact a psychotherapist. If a specialist prescribes medication, then the mother will have to stop breastfeeding.

- What are the consequences of depression for mother and child?

It all depends on the severity of the depression. Mild and moderate depression can even go away on its own, but during this time a woman is tormented, these few months can be a real nightmare. Severe depression has serious consequences, and it must be treated, it will not go away on its own. As for the child, postpartum depression usually occurs in the first two and a half months of his life. During this period, the main occupation of the mother is the satisfaction of the physiological needs of the child. A woman with a breakdown (and severe weakness that does not disappear after rest is one of the symptoms of depression) will find it very difficult, if not impossible, to care for a child. And she will not be able to emotionally communicate with the child, which will be expressed in some lag in his psycho-emotional development. In such a situation, it is very important that the family takes over these functions.

Why are there so many opinions in the spirit that postpartum depression is a fictional problem? Here are just some examples from the forums: “All these depressions are from nothing to do, stupidity, I don’t believe in it”, “Depression is the lot of spoiled and infantile girls.” Why is it so hard for people to believe that a woman who has given birth is really depressed and needs help?

Because those who have not experienced depression themselves cannot understand how hard it is. It’s like when a person who has never received an extensive burn, looking at a moaning patient with a burn, says: “Well, think about it, it hurts, you can endure it!” Most of the suffering happens in the depressed person inside. And outwardly for a person without special education, it looks like a bad mood, laziness, selfishness.

Some believe that the appearance of concepts leads to the appearance of an entity. For example, the mother of a 25-year-old woman who suffers from postpartum depression shames her and says: in our time, there was no such thing as postpartum depression, so no one had it.

Who didn't know? Mom and her dozen girlfriends and colleagues? But doctors have always known. And the essence for them is obvious. Ask any elderly midwife or therapist.

Do men get postpartum depression? This concept is also often used.

No, men do not experience postpartum depression. It's just depression. And not necessarily related to childbirth. And the frustration associated with childbirth happens. This is when the way of life changes and a man does not satisfy his needs, receives less attention. Here is his mood and spoils.

You can't give birth like me. Most likely you will hate me. I didn't expect this from myself. I'll start from the beginning. I got pregnant easily. At that time, I wanted a child, but not to the point of fanaticism, not to the point of shaking in my hands. It seemed to me that being a mother is so easy and pleasant. Smiles, laughter and all that. In anticipation of a child, just like you, I was sitting on this forum, worried, asking ... I lay a fig cloud of time in the hospital. And then it happened. An emergency caesarean section with placental abruption, the son was in an incubator for the first time, I went separately, looked at my son. I cried. I prayed. And then they brought it to me. First for a couple of hours. Then more. Problems with milk, lactostasis. Exhausting milking around the clock. Not enough milk. And then I began to understand that I had no feelings for my son. They took him to the couvez for the night and it's good. Milking killed all desire to breastfeed. There was no joy. I thought, probably postpartum depression, everything will work out at home ... For the first two weeks it was like that. Then the nightmare began. Colic, constipation. I didn't sleep with my baby for days. From the husband of help as from a goat's milk. The son yells incessantly, nothing can calm you down, tubes, diapers, hugs, rocking chairs, a warm bath, all sorts of espumizans and others like them. Plus sensitivity to the weather, PEP, hyperexcitability. We are already three months old. And it still continues. And these exhausting days finished me off. The son sleeps more or less normally at night, because in the morning and all day but at night he sleeps for two hours at most. Even less. All this time he requires constant attention. You can't leave for a minute. Immediately wild hysterical cry. I must say right away that the apartment is small and there is simply nowhere to carry and put all kinds of carrying. The house turned into a homeless person and I became a homeless person. Unwashed and hungry. Why am I writing all this. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't feel much love for my son. I get angry when I can't calm him down. To the point of trembling that I leave the room to cool down. Then I reproach myself and cry for such an attitude. He's sweaty. It’s impossible to wear it on your hands for a long time, it flows and bakes from your hands and yells because of this, and everything flows over me. But he needs hands. Put down op. He calms down on his hands for a while, then sweats and yells. It infuriates me that I can’t manage how to dress him for a walk, because if he doesn’t sleep, and he doesn’t sleep, then he waves his arms and legs and sweats. Even in one sandbox. And yells again. That is, the walk also turned into a disgrace and an escape home in half an hour. And after all, I know that children feel their parents, and the son probably screams also because of my mood. When help comes for a couple of hours, my mother is happiness, I can wash and eat. With her, he is less capricious, because she turns him around in every way to entertain these two hours. But I can’t physically jump like that without a break from 6 am to 12 am!!! And he needs it. To shove it to my mother for joy. It's horrible. I'm starting to be afraid of myself and my own son. I know what awaits me throughout the day and the mood is already falling. I AM HORRIBLE!!! You see, I write all the time - I, I, I ... SELFISH!!! I’m drivers, I wanted it to be like in a movie, but my hopes were not justified and it infuriates me! I couldn't get pregnant! But do you know in advance that I'm a crappy mother. And most importantly, I like my son (mind you, I don’t say love) when he smiles, or at least doesn’t scream, I’m bastard from him. We smile, we play, we do all sorts of interesting things. But when it starts.... I don't know what to do. Hands down, it seems it's not with me. And I need to be treated. Either I get angry and let him fight, then I press him to calm him down, I repent and roar with him. I'll raise a psycho in this way. Girls, do not offer a psychologist, our city is small and everyone knows each other, I won’t go. Sezdit understand rune option. I accept SLIPPERS AND ADVICE!!! Although it seems I need to go to a psychiatric hospital