Raising a difficult child problems of personality development. Raising difficult children

All parents, without exception, face problems in the upbringing of modern children. And even with knowledge in the field of psychology and pedagogical skills, mistakes and distortions are not excluded. The most typical mistakes of family upbringing include the wrong setting of the boundaries of what is permitted, the lack of rules in the family, the wrong reaction to children's emotions and familiarity.

The direct embodiment of how the child is integrated into the family structure is the boundaries that adults set for the child, the rules and requirements that are imposed on him. The difficulty of setting these boundaries is familiar to many parents. However, the problems of educating preschool children associated with the establishment of boundaries are a phenomenon in the history of pedagogy, most likely a young one. It appeared in connection with the trend of humanization of education, the rejection of physical and rough psychological "weapons" in ensuring the discipline of children.

It is precisely the rejection of rude methods of influencing a child, the understanding that an adult can cause irreparable harm to a child if he treats him cruelly, and becomes a mistake in education, the cause of difficulties in establishing rules for him. Parents have lost the traditional tool of power - physical punishment, which is declared harmful. At the same time, parents did not acquire (or acquired in insufficient quantities) other educational tools - psychological techniques, the ability to convince and lead children, motivate them. In this situation, such a problem of family upbringing of children arises as an error in setting boundaries for the child. In addition, many parents identify the concept of cruelty towards a child with the concept of rigidity in following the rules, attitudes towards certain situations with a child. However, toughness does not mean cruelty, and in some situations, in order to maintain order, parents must have the courage to show this toughness.

Problems of upbringing of preschool children in a modern family

Most appeals to a psychologist about children relate specifically to problems with the behavior of children, the difficulties of parents in achieving the fulfillment of family or social rules.

At the external level, the problems of raising children associated with setting boundaries for the child are expressed in the fact that it is difficult with the child in daily affairs: he does not want to follow hygiene requirements (brush his teeth, wash his face), does not want to get up in the morning, go where he should, or on the contrary, to leave places dear to his heart. Can scream or be rude, and sometimes beat parents, refuse to do homework, clean up their things, offend younger children or animals. All these phenomena are explainable in themselves, the child's resistance to rules is, on the whole, a completely natural thing. However, when resistance to the rules becomes total, the life of parents and children turns into a continuous struggle around the rules, the situation clearly needs to be corrected. Relations are aggravated, parents even begin to be afraid of the child, as he often arranges exhausting scandals, can easily put others in an uncomfortable position with his behavior. The mistakes of family education are manifested by the fact that the child constantly resists the requirements, and it becomes difficult to provide elementary norms of behavior and even safety.

The older the child, the more experience of war with the rules of parents or ignoring these rules, the more difficult the situation can be.

In such a situation, when a child refuses to obey the rules, there may be deep reasons that lie in the personality of the parents or the child himself. The root causes may relate to the past of the family, the illness of one of its members, or other circumstances. These problems of raising children in a family are always individual, it is better to deal with their analysis with a specialist.

Many problems with children's behavior relate to the way in which rules and boundaries are set for children. And what kind of internal motivation drives parents when they set the rules for the child.

Let's start with the internal state of the parents, their attitudes regarding the rules for the child.

There are several typical mistakes in family upbringing of children, unconstructive attitudes and ways of parental behavior that prevent them from establishing reasonable rules in the family.

The current problem of raising children: no boundaries

The actual problem of raising children in the family is the lack of boundaries. Often mistakes in education are due to the fact that parents themselves are not very sure where the boundaries should lie. If parents do not have their own confidence in what is possible and what is not worth doing to children, then they cannot convey this confidence to children.

Parental lack of confidence in prohibitions, prescriptions, and their own actions may be due to conflicting or misunderstood parenting theories. For example, a parent may be confused between the idea that the child will not harm himself (won't hurt, poison, or circumcise if trusted) and traditional methods of controlling and looking after the child. Or a parent can live in uncertainty between conflicting attitudes - whether to intervene in children's conflicts or trust their natural instincts and allow communication to be learned, so to speak, "in combat." There are many such urgent problems of raising children on the parental path, and if a parent does not have a clear idea of ​​​​how to act correctly, then he constantly broadcasts his insecurity to the child. The ill-conceived position of the parents, the hesitations are visible to the child, are read by him at an unconscious level, and by the time the child is nevertheless presented with demands, he does not obey the parent.

Many parents object that, they say, everything is very relative, and times are changing, not to mention educational theories, which are often diametrically opposed in their prescriptions. And this is also a mistake in raising children, because it is very difficult to develop your own opinion on how to act when there is so much conflicting information and so little own experience. All this is true, but this does not relieve parents from the need to find a foothold, develop their own opinion and act on it. People can make mistakes, change their minds, recognize past decisions as wrong. However, if you decide to raise children, then your direct responsibility is to develop the system of guidelines (albeit imperfect) in which they are brought up.

Mistakes of parenting: lack of rules in the family

Another typical mistake of upbringing is the lack of rules in the family, a negative attitude towards boundaries, when parents generally believe that they are strangling the freedom of the individual. Such people, for various reasons, are negatively disposed to the rules as a phenomenon. This situation has its origins, grows out of human history. Some parents themselves, in fact, are rebels who do not accept any rules, power over themselves, resisting the established rules. Such parents may, on the one hand, try to establish rules for the child, and on the other hand, secretly encourage his resistance to the rules, admire the self-will of children.

Other parents are highly conforming, they are afraid to deviate from the instructions, but would not want their children to repeat their fate and for this reason make demands reluctantly, as if embarrassed by their role.

If you internally resist the very idea of ​​setting rules for a child, you associate rules with dullness, boring life, mediocrity, then you broadcast conflicting messages to him on two levels. At the external level, of course, you must set rules for him, because no one relieves the parents of the obligation to acquaint the child with at least minimal social norms. But on a more subtle level, usually non-verbally, with a complex system of rewards for a child's rebellious behavior, you convey completely different signals. On a subtle level, he receives an order not to obey, not to recognize the rules. The child will never realize the very fact of the contradiction of different messages. However, this greatly affects him, makes him worried. As a result of such a double bind, problems arise with the upbringing of children by parents, because the child is lost, does not want to identify himself with the rules that are offered to him, because adults themselves treat them negatively.

A problem related to raising a child: fear of children's emotions

A common problem associated with raising a child is the fear of his emotions. Often parents cannot effectively set rules for the child, as they are afraid of a vivid manifestation of his emotions: tantrums, crying, outbursts of rage.

Many parents fear that their child's strong emotions will harm their physical or psychological health. In an effort to prevent strong tantrums or crying, such parents make mistakes in raising children, follow their lead when the kids show strong emotions. Curiously, it is the children who have difficulty with boundaries who tend to be the most hysterical. By making concessions when a child is crying or hysterical, you teach him to constantly resort to this means in order to achieve what he wants, that is, in fact, you form a hysterical character.

This kind of behavior is quickly formed by children whose parents are sure that the crying of a child is an extremely dangerous phenomenon, and a child, not controlling himself, can injure himself. Usually such fears are greatly exaggerated, and the sobbing child is comparatively safe if allowed to express his emotions.

No parent would want their child to cry, which is usually a very painful experience. The cry of a child is one of the most annoying sounds for the human ear, nature itself made sure that we strive to comfort the child and stop crying. However, is it always necessary to stop crying, are strong emotions always, whether they are tears of rage or grief, a child harmful to him? Below are considered several pedagogical problems in the upbringing of children that arise in situations where the child demonstrates too sharp an emotional reaction.

When a child cries from adult cruelty, fear, parental rejection, chronic mistreatment, these are tears that indicate situations that in themselves are harmful to the child. So, for example, if you locked a child in a dark room as a punishment for disobedience, where he is terrified and crying, this is certainly a traumatic story that needs to be stopped as soon as possible. But if your child demands his father's phone, another candy or turn on cartoons for him and at the same time makes a very loud scandal, then his position is safe, despite violent emotions. Let him just express his feelings.

Some parents cannot stand tantrums, because during these tantrums they acutely feel like bad parents. They begin to worry that the child does not love them or is too unhappy, and, therefore, they turn out to be bad parents.

Another important reason why people are afraid of child tantrums is, of course, public opinion. This may be the opinion of people close to you, for example, grandmothers or a spouse, or the opinion of outsiders. In both cases, you can make a typical mistake when raising children - to make unreasonable concessions to the child in order to avoid the condemnation of others.

Fear of child hysteria, fear that a crying child does great harm to itself (including physical), fear of criticism from others makes parents make concessions that affect both the current situation and the future character of the child. In addition, the situation when parents cannot endure the emotions of the child exhausts the parents themselves, making them hostages of the situation, depriving them of the means and tools of management.

Family upbringing mistake: familiarity

Among the main problems of raising children can be attributed familiarity, that is, an excessive desire to become a friend to the child. Many parents are sure that the best picture of the relationship between an adult and a child is friendship. For them, the highest achievement would be the opportunity to say: “I am the best friend for my child!”

There are many aspects to the belief that it is necessary to be friends with a child. One of them is that the parent wants to completely control the life and thoughts of the child, so he seeks to be his best friend so that the child does not have secrets from him. Another mistake of parental upbringing is that an adult does not want to give way to anyone in the life and soul of a child, wants to become everything for him, including his best friend. Often, parents who claim to be best friends with their child, have a tense or distant relationship with their parents, have always felt a lack of self-love. Such people may seek friendship with the child in order to prevent the formation of the same gulf that separates them from their own parents. In addition, in the closeness and exclusive position in the life of a child, they seem to compensate for the pain of rejection that they experienced in relationships with their own parents. The love and affection of the child in this case should compensate for the damage received by a person in other
close relationships (with their own parents, partners). In such cases, parents want all the feelings and affections of the child to belong only to them.

How to achieve the fulfillment of requirements that are unpleasant for the child, without causing his irritation? How to avoid mistakes in family education of children? The main concept on which the main idea is built is collapsing - friendship with a child. If the mother acted, feeling her right to set boundaries and not striving at all costs to please the child, the girl would quickly accept the rules. The atmosphere would become more defined, calm, and this would allow its participants to spend more pleasant time together.

The leading role of an adult does not at all mean army discipline, ignoring the feelings and will of the child, a command-and-order system of communication. However, if there is no person next to the child who guides and, if necessary, restricts him, then one can only guess what choices he will make.

Parents - mother and father - are unique people in a person's destiny. He is connected with them by a wide variety of feelings and relationships, often these feelings are complex and contradictory, but they are always very important, they radically affect his relationship with the world. Friendship between a child and a parent is, of course, possible, but this happens only at a certain stage in the child's life, when he is old enough, equal to the parent in his status. While the child is small, the relationship between parent and child is extremely asymmetrical. The parent is obliged to be responsible for him, to establish rules, to lead the child, that is, to be in charge. And the basis of friendship lies in close, almost symmetrical relationships, where everyone is free to leave this relationship if they wish. Going down to familiarity, you are making a serious mistake of upbringing in the family, because friendship with a child is initially hypocritical, since the relationship is not equal and the child is not free to leave them of his own free will. In addition, he must obey his parents in matters of principle. The parent should patronize, guide, love, support and teach the child, but not try to be friends with him. In these relationships there can be a lot of warmth, fun and pleasure, friendliness, cooperation and mutual attention, but this is not a relationship of two friends. You should not make such a typical mistake of parents in raising children, how to replace a friend for a child - you need to teach him to look for friends, build and maintain friendly relations. Parents have a unique role, they should not pretend to be anything more.

Another common mistake of raising children in a family is the fear of parents that, as a result of demands, they will simply lose the love and affection of the child. A child, dissatisfied with the eternal pressure and demands that are made to him, will simply reject the parent, internally distance himself from him. What could be sadder than losing the love of your own child? In this case, parents make another pedagogical mistake in raising children - they do not want to achieve discipline, guarding such an important thing as the child's attachment. Such fears are more common in those parents who raise a child alone. Also, a similar situation occurs in families where one of the parents is removed from education, leaving the second to act. It is this second parent, who is obliged to bear the entire burden of responsibility, who is worried that he will become only a source of restrictions for the child, while the second parent will remain an eternal holiday for the child.

In fact, what happens in the relationship is much more important than the demands on the child. What else do you offer, what do you give to your child? If your communication is reduced to demands, criticism, elimination of "children's upbringing mistakes", then sooner or later the distance is inevitable, no matter how successful your "management" is. Yes, no one relieves parents of responsibility for the child, the need to guide him, but it is important what else you give to your child. Psychologists, reflecting on why there are problems in raising children in a modern family, suggest parents to analyze:

• Do they know how to truly understand the child, get in touch with his world?
• Do they often spend pleasant time together?
• Can they say that their child fully trusts them, feels calm and secure next to their parents?

If you answer “yes” to these questions with confidence, then you are unlikely to be afraid to make demands on your child.

In order not to make mistakes in family education, parents should build relationships with the child, not removing the requirements for him, but filling communication with warmth, love and intimacy. Then, on the basis of good relationships, the child will accept the rules as part of life. If a child has confidence in the love of his parents, a feeling of warmth in a relationship, then he has something to smooth out the discomfort from restrictions, due to which to worry.

For parents who are afraid to set rules in order not to lose the child's attachment, it is best to pay attention to what, in addition to the rules, the child's life is filled with, and direct their activity in this direction.

Parents, regardless of their attitudes, have to set the rules for the child. There are no parents free from this necessity. In order not to make typical parental mistakes in raising children, try to establish your own rules, without internal conflict and contention with the child.

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Perhaps the term "difficult child" is known to almost every parent and, even more so, a teacher, such children are not only written about in books, but they even make films and stage scenes, because they are a real punishment for their loved ones, and maybe , and no?

Some mothers or fathers sigh doomedly, they say, “what to do, difficult child,” and everything immediately becomes clear, such parents even want to sympathize, because children characterized by such a term bring them a lot of trouble and worries.

With such guys, no matter what age they are, it is quite difficult to find contact, they absolutely do not want to do what they are told, no matter how their parents or teachers try to convince them. Sometimes, in the most difficult and peak situations, adults simply give up, there is a desire to give up, to follow the lead of their child, if only it would stop being capricious and mischievous.

Believe me, for each, even the most difficult child, you can find an individual approach, so to speak, the key to the heart, after selecting which, your relationship will begin to noticeably improve, and the former tomboy will appear before you in a completely different, positive light.

I must say that raising such children is really a difficult task, sometimes requiring professional pedagogical and sometimes even psychological techniques, which, by the way, would be useful to learn from the relevant literature. Tired parents are often interested in how to raise such children, without even thinking that, in many respects, they themselves are to blame for the “difficulties” of their own child.

What determines the formation of a "difficult" personality?

The formation of a child's personality, in many respects, depends directly on the environment in which he grows and develops, namely, on the situation in the family. If all that the baby sees around him is constant quarrels, alcohol or tobacco stench, then he is unlikely to be able to study normally, feel himself and strive for something better.

Many qualities of a child, and, subsequently, of an adult, are laid down precisely from a very young age and, by the way, precisely by parents. For any child, it is very important that respectable relations reign in the family, it is important for him to feel comfortable and protected, feeling constant support and trust from his parents. It is precisely such, at first glance, simple truths that are able to lay the right foundation in the child, which will help him continue to adhere to the right course.

An interesting fact is that often children, whom many are accustomed to calling the term “difficult”, are not such, behind the mask of a malicious dirty trickster, whom the mother is already tired of scolding for every fault, lies an inquisitive and, somewhere out of measure, agile baby.

These children are trying to get more from the world around them, to learn and, so to speak, “try” everything on themselves, and a huge number of prohibitions that caring parents set for them can even more confuse them with the right thought. From an overabundance of information, according to which “you can’t do this and that, and this,” they begin to get confused and, as a result, they still do something in their own way, already expecting punishment from the elders. Have you ever tried allowing more?

For some of the parents, such a thought will sound like wildness, but think about it, is there much sense in your prohibitions? After all, the prankster anyway, after waiting for time, turned everything in his own way, as soon as you turned away. If you are thinking about how to help yourself and your child, then just try to allow him what was previously strictly forbidden.

Do not be afraid that the child will quickly get used to the absence of any prohibitions, just the same, this will exclude situations when a difficult child tried to do you in defiance, just because he was forbidden a lot.

It is possible that after the lifting of the bans, there will come a period of “doing everything as much as possible”, until the bans come into force again, so to speak, “break away to the fullest”. This will have to wait, and when the child realizes that your new relationship is not built solely on prohibitions and punishments, his ardor will gradually fade away.

It is very difficult for many parents to change the system of their own behavior, because they believe that permissiveness has not yet led to anything good. Permissiveness yes, but unobtrusive control over certain actions in which the child is given the right to choose - most often, gives its positive results, albeit sometimes not immediately.

Very often in psychology such an example is given: when parents accidentally find out that their child has begun to indulge in cigarettes, they, of course, make a scandal with the separation of all flights, which often does not lead to anything.

And some, perhaps wiser parents, offer their child a pack of cigarettes right at home. Explain all the harm, show illustrative examples, and so on. Surprisingly, in most cases, after such proposals from parents, children reconsider their attitude to cigarettes.

And so on almost any example, regardless of age. Sometimes, it is even important that the child burns himself and, already on his mistakes, is able to build a logical chain of correct actions. Parental attention should not be focused on protecting their beloved, albeit a capricious child, from all mistakes, but, observing, as if from the outside, to minimize their magnitude.

Many parents, in pursuit of some difficult psychological tricks, lose a very important point in the upbringing of any child - this is the ability to communicate with him.

It has been proven that time spent with parents has the most beneficial effect on the development and formation of a small personality.

Communication should be present everywhere and always - on a walk in the park, on the way home, doing household chores or while reading a book. The more a child feels parental care, affection and love, the more chances he has in the future to grow up as a healthy person, both emotionally and psychologically.

In order for affection and respect to arise between parent and child, they must spend as much time as possible together. Subsequently, it will be much easier for you to reach out to your baby, show him where he is wrong and where he should have acted differently.

By the way, do not forget to show your child your own emotions, if you don’t like something, you don’t have to grab the belt, assault is not a panacea at all, try to explain in a calm and reasonable tone what exactly you don’t like. There is another interesting technique in education - this is a request.

Try to negotiate with the child about a specific situation, ask him to do what you want, be sure to explain why it would be better this way and not otherwise. And, the last thing that should not be forgotten is discipline, without it there is still nothing, because the prankster is always wondering where its line is.

Very often, parents experience a sense of shame for their children: in kindergartens, on the face, in the store, then at school. Because, you never know what others will think when they see a screaming, sobbing and fighting child. Here one of the strongest parenting fears comes up - everyone will think that I am a bad mom (less often a bad dad. dads are usually less anxious and social rules are not so important to them, dads more often allow children to be natural).

Faced with this sense of shame, parents begin to actively prove to others that they are a socially adequate family in society. As a result, children receive cuffs, slaps on the buttocks, stories about how a good boy / good girl should behave, and many prohibitions also arise.

All these actions form neurotic reactions in children: they either become less "alive" - ​​bodily clamped, correct and obedient; or absolutely uncontrollable - disobedience, doing the opposite, aggression.

What happens to children.

1. The feeling that the child is not accepted as a whole, but only partially - if he is good. And then you need to either constantly call your parents for a provocation until they finally fall in love with his “bad” part, or forbid yourself to experience some feelings in order to deserve parental love. The child's protest or submissive behavior is formed on the basis of the family structure, the child's temperament and the nature of significant adults - parents.
2. Low self-esteem is formed - I'm not good, I can't be loved. And throughout his life, such a child tries to earn parental love in various ways, often transferring these relationships to other areas and with other people. ()
3. These children usually have problems with boundaries. Either he, when interacting with other people, does not respect and attacks other people's boundaries, or he constantly advances in his own, not being able to defend himself and his personal boundaries.

I think it is important for every parent that their child grows up physically and mentally healthy and happy. And also, so that the contact with the child is positive and trusting.

To do this, when you are confronted with social norms and boundaries, it is important to be aware of what is happening to you as a parent. Be aware of your shame and fear of "I'm a bad parent." It would be nice to understand what emotions and feelings you are experiencing at the same time.

I will tell you a secret: You are the best parent for your child, because it is you who are genetically his mom / dad. And only you can protect your child and give him everything he needs in order to survive in this world and become a person.

If you encounter child tantrums and tears. It is important not to stop him in this process. And stay close. Yes, yes, no matter how difficult it is for you, at the sight of a crying and yelling child, your childish feelings and your fears rise, that you don’t know how to behave and what to do.

At this point, it is important to allow the child to hysteria, cry and scream. You can say: “Cry” or “Scream”, etc., “I will be there. If you want, you can come up to me, I will hug you (pat your head)”, “I love you.” At this moment, the child will know for sure that he is accepted and loved by the parent, he will burst into tears, and happy and contented, he will run on about his business. Also, he will feel secure, and he can definitely trust his parent, knowing that he is not on the side of those others, but on his side.

Remember that it is very difficult for a child to defend himself, to present himself. He does this as well as he can, and it depends only on his parents whether he learns to defend himself, defend himself, interact with people, whether you teach him other ways of contacting the world. To do this, you first have to learn to do something differently yourself.

If you feel that you are not coping well with something in upbringing, then you can seek help from a professional psychologist.

At the same time, everyone compares an already grown up baby with a newly born baby and envy those mothers who, not knowing worries and problems, calmly raise their children. However, such a comparison is stupid, because a certain age is also characterized by its own habits, so it is necessary to learn to distinguish between the child’s ordinary activity and the developing “problem”. In relation to most often used the expression "difficult children". They may not listen to their parents at all, be too independent, harmful, stubborn, but do not forget that these are just kids. With the right upbringing, even difficult children become the most ordinary, quiet, affectionate and loving babies.

Problems of this nature most often occur in young parents who are just learning to raise their first child. The slightest mistake, and the baby is already starting to behave badly. And in this situation, we can say that it is the parent, and not the child, who is primarily to blame. We must always remember that it is our communication with children that can cause both positive and negative results. It is quite natural that the baby, who constantly hears only the cry of his own mother, sooner or later becomes indifferent to him. As a result, a teenager embittered at all grows up from a normal baby, who in the future will raise his children in the same way. Therefore, difficult children are nothing but the result of improper parenting.

Raising her voice to her child, the mother often justifies her behavior by the fact that she is afraid to accustom the baby to such behavior. On the one hand, the fear is really understandable, because if the child does not hear “no”, but receives permissiveness, he will be able to behave in absolutely any way and very quickly get used to this. However, the situation is twofold, and you should learn to see the line when you can raise your voice to a child, and when it is better to let him do what he wants.

Let's imagine that your baby has stopped obeying and does only what his heart desires. First of all, you need to understand that raising difficult children is a painstaking and long process, so be patient. What positions are suitable in such a situation, we will describe below.

1. Do not forbid him everything in the world. Such pulling and constant prohibitions only embitter the baby and do not give him freedom. Let him try to draw on the wall - it will be easy to erase it, but he will see that he was allowed to do it. In the future, you just need to explain to the child that you can draw on paper, and the walls should be clean. By repeating this several times without screaming, you will see the result in a few weeks.
2. Don't scold him in front of everyone. It affects your child too much and creates a number of complexes. If the kid did something out of the ordinary, it’s better to quietly tell him that you can’t do this than to break out into an angry tirade for half an hour.
3. Never hit a child. This approach is immoral.
4. Do not protect him from everything in the world. Very often, a mother tries to protect her child from any problems. It is advisable to do this when the child is still very small, but the grown-up baby needs to make some stupid things and mistakes. This is an experience that will definitely come in handy in the future. Giving a child detailed instructions for each action, you run the risk of raising a person who is not able to make independent decisions.

Difficult children are very quickly re-educated, if everything is done correctly. Let your child feel your care (but not excessive), and then everything will be fine and hassle-free.