Are children obligated to their parents? Do children owe their parents anything? Happy without a pension

To begin with, I want to clarify what this almighty "SHOULD" means! So my favorite explanatory dictionary of Ozhegov enlightens us:

1. Obliged to do something. Must obey orders.

2. About what will certainly happen, inevitably or presumably. he should come soon. something important is about to happen.

3. Borrowed, obliged to repay the debt.

At the same time, we will check the interpretation of the word "OBLIGATORY"

1. To impose on someone some kind of duty, to prescribe. Oblige to obey. Make sure you return on time.

2. Call something for a return service.

As you can see, the meaning of the words is quite clear. Then, based on the meaning of these words, the dispute is about whether the child is under any obligation to return something or somehow remain due to parents, some mysterious debt in all possible, and even better, in general impossible ways.

Hmm, I wonder, but when does this obligation arise at all, well, or at what age should you start repaying the debt, and what percentage is charged for the delay in payment, please announce all the clauses of this loan agreement and, most importantly, its full cost.

Right now I imagined how a child, say, in the womb, even without a developed brain, turned out to be quite so-so reasonable and concluded an agreement with mom and dad about some kind of deferred reward for the right to be born into this world, but what is there, in general conceived. Or maybe he owes for the fact that he was not abandoned after birth? Or for being loved or not beaten? Think for yourself what else))

We won't go far. I’ll take myself, I really don’t understand why my two children can owe me something? As if it was not me who made the decision to give birth to them and bear my responsibility for this decision and, of course, for their lives until the end of their days, and look after them from there)), but it was they who decided to be born (well, okay, not without it) .

Again, the fantasy played out, as if the children were like this to me: “Dear, our future mother, we are sending you a commercial offer. We offer you to become our mother, give birth, raise, heal, love, and we will pay for this later with something. We don’t know yet than, but when we grow up, we will definitely invent it." Haha, so-so to be honest with the proposal in terms of commerce. No, well, I thought that I was such an adult aunt, I decided everything, thought it over, pleased myself in motherhood, completed the demographic program, received a lot of emotions, reinforced my life with additional meaning, and here it turns out I was only in the role of a performer with unpaid remuneration.

I responsibly declare: "NO!" My kids don't owe me anything! I will not let anyone, not even them, take away my power, my responsibility and my decisions. These are my privileges, these are my joys, these are my feelings, my realization and my life. I only need from them what I have and it doesn’t matter if they give me something, whether they bring the notorious glass of water in old age, they are my reward with their existence, and not a profitable investment in the future!

In psychology, “should” is the parental word, and it is really important and necessary for the formation of an understanding of the boundaries for the child, for learning, for compliance with agreements and for the skill to be responsible for one’s words and actions, but it cannot reflect the child’s obligation to pay the parent for love. Parental love, and especially mother's love, must be unconditional, without payment and without obligation.

No matter how strange it may sound, a mother gives birth to a child for herself, for her own joy, for her own benefit. I think you can find a lot of benefits for parents in parenthood (pardon the tautology), and if you can’t, just ask your parents what your birth brought them.

Ask what to do? Is it necessary to give gifts to parents? Do I need to take care of them in old age? Do they need help in life?

I will answer you not only as a psychologist, but also as a mother. If you want, do it, give joy, help, take care of them, do it out of desire, out of love. BUT! Do not do it out of obligation, do not justify and even more so do not deserve their love, do not take away their power and their responsibility, do not turn them into your children, they somehow lived before you were born and this is their choice.

And believe me, you are priceless ;-)

If you understand that you are being manipulated, or it seems to you that you are being manipulated (after all, it may simply seem when you are confused, when you are afraid of something or you don’t like something), try not to accuse of manipulation in response, but to realize your feelings in this situation and tell about them to the person to whom they are addressed. Guilt, anger, fear, shame?... But the main trouble is that for many people it is the highest mathematics to speak the language of feelings, armed with psychological terms, and at the slightest discomfort, “hit” the opponent in response, demonstrating your mind and knowledge in field of psychology, but in fact rising above it. Because when you say, "You are manipulating," you become a great all-seeing eye. And the dialogue does not work, because in response you will hear the natural “I do not manipulate, I just ...”.
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This time we will talk about devaluation, which differs from reproach only in that it exploits the feeling of shame. The reproach is directed vectorially at the feeling of guilt.
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The habit of giving envy a magical meaning: “I have failures in life, so someone is jealous” is an infantile attempt to shift responsibility for one’s life, decisions, actions onto some Uncle Vanya or Aunt Frosya. “It’s not me, it’s them who jinxed me with their envy.”
used people
People who often say or suspect that everyone wants to use them do not notice how they themselves seek to use others. At the core of this phenomenon, sometimes reaching paranoia, lies the stinginess and callousness of the soul, the inability to surrender to love and sincerely love, trust another person.

Once at a lecture he expressed a very deep thought, which I wanted to develop further. This is true for many, I am asked about this all the time. What is there - I myself have long searched inside myself for the answer to this question. Or even questions:

• Why do parents often expect their children to repay some debt?
• Do children owe their parents something?
• And if so, what? How much and how to give?
• And if not, then what to do? Ignore these requests?

First of all, I would like to say about how we ourselves do not become like that (after all, you can’t change your parents and their position, and there’s no need to). Let's try to figure this out.

Why is this happening, why are children expected to repay some kind of debt? Based on what? Why do parents have so many worries about this and children have feelings of guilt? Where has the error and injustice crept in? Who owes what and to whom? And should it?

When someone owes something to someone, it means that the relationship is out of balance. That is, only one of them gave something, and only one took something.

Over time, debt accumulated, and the first person inside has a feeling that he was deceived and used - everything was taken away and nothing was given back. I will not consider the situation when the first gave the second many years disinterestedly. There is practically no selflessness in this world. Even in parent-child relationships.

Parents in their care of children keep in mind at least a glass of water, which the child still has to bring. They are waiting for care in weakness, and financial assistance, and that they will continue to obey, and that children will live the way their parents want, and reasons for pride and boasting, and attention. And a lot to look forward to. Even if they don't explicitly say so. But on what basis?

Parents really invest a lot in their children - time, nerves, money, health, strength. For many years. They often have to push their desires into the background - for the sake of the child. Do what you don’t want to do - again for the sake of it. To give up something, to sacrifice something - at least your own sleep for several years. Who said being a parent is easy and simple?

Years pass, and suddenly - or not suddenly - the child hears transparent hints or direct instructions of what exactly and how he owes his parents. But how legitimate and justified is this? Does he really owe something? And where does this feeling of injustice come from?

Parents are worried because their parenthood seemed to them to be a huge unrequited victim. A one-way process that does not give any bonuses and joys. They suffered for twenty years and now they are waiting for this whole disgrace to be rewarded somehow. They gave a lot and got nothing. Nothing at all. There must be justice! But is it?

No. This world is always fair in everything. in fact, they give a lot to parents. More precisely, even God gives us so many things through children! Can't even describe in words. Their hugs, declarations of love, funny words, first steps, dances and songs ... Even just the sight of a little sleeping angel - the Lord created them so sweet! For the first five years of life, so much happiness comes from a child that it attracts adults like a magnet. Further, there are also many different bonuses, albeit in a slightly lower concentration. That is, through children, God also gives parents a lot, moreover, such that you cannot buy for money and you will not find it on the road. And everything is honest, everything is compensated - parents work, the Lord rewards them. Immediately, at the same point. You did not sleep at night - and in the morning you will have a smile, cooing and new skills.

But in order to receive all these bonuses, you need to be with the children nearby. And to have the strength and desire to enjoy it - which is also important. To see all these gifts, to be grateful for them.

It is in their childhood, while they are small, and from them all this happiness radiates just like that, every minute. The way they smell, laugh, swear, get offended, love, make friends, learn the world - all this cannot but rejoice the loving heart of their parents. in our hearts - this is the reward for the labors.

Then why do parents feel that someone owes them something? Because they were not around the children, and someone else received all these bonuses and joys - a grandmother, a nanny or a teacher in a kindergarten (although the latter probably did not use this either). Parents had no time to breathe on the tops of their children and hug them in the middle of the night. We need to work, to be realized. You need to run somewhere, the children will not run away, just think, baby! You won’t talk to him, you won’t discuss the day, he doesn’t seem to understand anything, he doesn’t care who pumps and feeds him. Relationships with babies often do not fit into our understanding of relationships - what is there, just wash-feed-lay. There is no time for us to admire the sleeping children, the fatigue is so strong that you can only fall somewhere in another room. There is no time to study grasshoppers and flowers with him. There is no strength to draw, sculpt, sing together. All forces remain in the office.

But even if the mother does not work, most likely, she is also not up to these strange “bonuses” and trifles. This is some kind of nonsense, a waste of precious time (as well as for herself), but she needs to clean the house, cook food, take the child to the circle, go to the store. She can’t lie next to him and chat in his incomprehensible language, this is stupid. There is no strength and absolutely no time to just look into his eyes and exhale all the tension. And if we go on business, then we must go quickly, and not stop at every pebble. Although physically her mother is nearby, all these bonuses quickly fly past her. And often a non-working mother has even more complaints about her children - she even sacrificed her self-realization for them, without working, so the potential score will be even higher.

So sometimes you want to stop some mother running somewhere with a stone face! Mom, the biggest miracle is near! And it can't wait!

It grows every minute and gives you so many miracles and happiness, and you skip it all by, not paying attention! As if sculpting a very important sand castle, you do not notice grains of gold in the sand.

I also often stop myself when I suddenly have more important things to do than read a book, play Lego with them, or just lie down next to a sleeping miracle. And where did I go? And for what? Maybe it's better to let happiness enter my heart right now and melt it?

As a result of all this, we get such a situation that people worked for many years, worked hard enough (how can this be easy?), And their honestly earned wages were given out in another place, to some other people. Because they were exactly where they needed to be. For example, while mom and dad are working hard to pay off the mortgage on their huge house and pay for the services of the nanny, this nanny is happy, she enjoys life in this house with these children (I am such happy and fulfilled nannies, enjoying children and communication with them, I saw a lot when we lived in a village near St. Petersburg). Or it may be that no one received all these joys - no one needed them, and after many years the child himself already believed that there was nothing interesting and good in him.

At the same time, a person who worked hard and for a long time after twenty years still wants a salary - immediately for all these years! And he demands - from those for whom he suffered. And who else? But they don't. So there remains dissatisfaction, a feeling of deceit and betrayal ...

But whose problem is it if we ourselves do not come for our parents' "salary" every single day? Who is to blame that we forget that everything in the world will pass, and children will be small only once? Who is responsible for the fact that careers and accomplishments are more important for us than children's tops and conversations with them? Who pays for our decision when we are ready to give our children to kindergartens, nurseries, nannies, grandmothers for the sake of some achievements, losing contact with them and losing everything that the Lord so generously gives us through the kids?

It is useless to wait for the repayment of debt from adult children. They won't be able to give you what you want, because they have already given you so much, even though you haven't taken it all.

Children return the debt not to their parents, they give the same to their children, and this is the wisdom of life. And drinking juice from adult children means thereby depriving your own grandchildren, no matter how sad it may be.

"I'm sorry Mom, I can't help you right now. What I owe you, I will give to my children. I am ready to give you gratitude, respect, necessary care in case it is required. And that's all. There is nothing more I can do to help. Even if I really want to."

This is the only thing that an adult child can answer to his parents demanding the repayment of a debt. Of course, he can try to throw all his strength into it, all his life, giving up his future, investing not in his children, but in his parents. But none of the parties will be satisfied with this.

We don't owe anything to our parents directly. We owe all this to our children. That is our duty. Become parents and pass it all on. Give all the power of the family forward, leaving nothing behind. Similarly, our children do not owe us anything. They don't even have to live the way we want and be happy the way we see it.

Our only payment for everything is respect and gratitude. For everything that was done for us, how it was done, to what extent. Respect, no matter how parents behave, no matter what feelings they evoke in us. Respect for those through whom our souls came to this world, who took care of us in the days of greatest helplessness and vulnerability, who loved us as best they could and as best they could - with all their spiritual strength (just not everyone has a lot of strength).

Of course, we are responsible for the last years of our parents' lives, when they can no longer take care of themselves. It's not even a duty, it's just human. To do everything possible to help parents recover, to ease their life and days of illness. If we cannot sit next to a sick parent, hire a good nurse, find a good hospital where proper care will be provided, as far as possible - visit, pay attention. It would also be good to help them "leave this body properly." That is to help them prepare for this transition by reading books. Talking about it with spiritual people. But this is not a debt. This goes without saying, if we have retained something human in ourselves.

The children don't owe us anything else. And we don't owe our parents. Only respect and gratitude - directly. And the transfer of the most valuable further. To give to our own no less than we ourselves have received. And it is better to give even more, especially love, acceptance and tenderness.

Therefore, in order not to stand with an outstretched hand near their house in old age, demanding payments, learn to enjoy today what is so generously given to you from above.

Hug them, play with them, laugh together, sniff their tops, chat about anything, take your time, lie in bed, sing, dance, discover this world together - there are many different opportunities to experience happiness together with children!

And then the difficulties do not seem so difficult. And the work of the mother is so ungrateful and burdensome. Just think of a sleepless night, you hug the small, delicious-smelling body of an angel, he will lay his plump hand on you - and life is immediately easier. At least a little. Or not even a bit.

Experienced parents and grandparents tell young people this: little children are little troubles. Big kids, it's not hard to guess, bring much more trouble and worries. But the most terrible and painful for any parent is the inattention and indifference of their own little blood to already aging mothers and fathers, who expect their adult offspring to participate and care, as they once surrounded them.

Investing your soul in your child, which by old age should pay off with the notorious glass of water, does not always live up to expectations. The question is ambiguous, whether children should also give their parents in return, if not all of themselves, then at least partially be as caring as their parents were for them.

And who is to blame if the children are not at all eager to show their attention and love?

History from life

The alarm clock rings at 6 am. No longer young, but still vigorous, a 65-year-old woman rises from her bed. The son must call for her in an hour, so that he and his wife and daughter can go to the country. It’s not a pity to dedicate the only day off a week to the cares of the son in the summer cottage, who, if not she, will help them equip the house under construction. The young themselves are forever in business and worries.

That's 7 o'clock. They are late. Not surprising. This is in the spirit of Mishka, my mother thinks. But after an hour they are still not there, after 2, too. She calls, already worried, maybe something has happened. Sleepy Misha picks up the phone.

- Oh, mom, we decided to move the trip closer to dinner.

That's the whole answer, no apology for being late, no question if she's comfortable. Swallowing resentment, she puts down the phone to meekly wait for dinner.

Time passes, and the children are again delayed, this time Misha called himself.

Mom, our plans have changed. We are leaving for nature with my son-in-law and mother-in-law.

Call to another country. In addition to her son and his family, she only had a cousin. Here's someone you can have a heart to heart talk with.

- Hi, Anechka! And here's my story today. Well, they don't need me at all, only when help is needed. How do you say no when asked. After all, I have one bear, how much effort it cost me to grow him, how weak and painful he was. And after all, no one helped, she lived only for them, she tried everything for him.

- Hello, Svetochka! I understand you, my dear. I just talked to Nastya today. I wanted to know if she had collected the necessary documents for you to help her arrange an apartment. And she just snorted that I was pestering her, she already had things up to her throat, she didn’t have time. But after all, an apartment is drawn up for her, well, who should deal with these. She hung up and didn't even say goodbye.

Nastya is Anechka's granddaughter, who was brought up by her from the age of 3 months. When her mother died, her father brought the girl to her grandmother, and she devoted 20 years of her life to her at the expense of work, where she could still work and work, despite poor health, raised the girl, replacing her mother and giving the best that she was capable of.

Now the girl has grown up, where before there was uncertainty and complete attachment to her grandmother, for some reason intolerance and hostility arose. Preoccupation with one's own life sometimes even prevents one from wishing good night or saying thank you for the troubles with which the granny continues to surround her already adult girl in a foreign city where she went to study.

Only Nastya, for some reason, does not think at all about whether the children owe their parents the same attentive attitude that was given to them and, snorting angrily at the next instruction, can easily hang up.

What does each of these grandmothers, wise in life, answer to the question, maybe you shouldn’t spend so much energy and health on those who don’t appreciate it at all? Maybe we should loosen the grip of our care and guardianship a little and let the children deal with their problems on their own?

- You will also have children ...

And how to understand this mysterious phrase? Invest your soul in children, cherish and cherish, surround with boundless care, swallow tears of resentment from their inattention and callousness and try to convince yourself that this is in the order of things.

Only after all it was expected from beloved children completely different. But the question of whether children owe their parents has a very definite answer. They should, but nature does not lay it in them and is not absorbed with mother's milk. It can only be instilled how the rest of the cultural skills are instilled.

Bad baby for a good mom

There is a certain type of women in the world who can be the best mothers in the world, the most caring and attentive, the most kind and understanding. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan defines them as owners of two vectors - anal and visual.

Both heroines of the story possess these vectors. They invested in their children without a trace and both do not understand what was missed and why their children treat strangers better than their mother and grandmother.

Both are offended that they are not appreciated, sincerely believing that there can be only one answer to the question of whether children owe their parents. Their care should also be shown in their children, as they showed it towards them.

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains why some have such feelings, while others do not.

The properties of the anal vector contain the desire to take care, to devote oneself to home and family, and the second vector - the visual one - adds love and beauty to this picture, together making a woman the most devoted and loving wife and mother.

Raising a child, the anal-visual mother fully realizes herself in the family field, the more care she surrounds her children with, the more she fills the desires given by nature. Hence, super-care arises when a mother trembles over her baby, who has long turned 20 just like at 2 years old, brings herself to illness because of concern about him and does not allow him to take a step on his own.

Thus, the parent fully realizes himself in life through the children and his care for them. From this he gets pleasure, this is the meaning of his existence, and therefore he has no right to blame the child for the fact that his whole life was laid on him.

Should children give their parents the same treatment just because they were loved so much?

In the first story, the anal-visual mother devoted herself completely to her son, raising him alone. For many years, she realized herself in caring for him and did not notice that she had missed an important thing in his upbringing - she did not teach him to be grateful and appreciate her work, she did not teach him that he himself should help her, doing everything for him.

In the same way, the grandmother invested herself in her granddaughter, pitying her, brought up without a mother, and therefore protecting and protecting her from everything beyond measure. And the girl, accustomed to constant guardianship, always took her for granted, not wanting to lift a finger on her own with regard to her grandmother's requests, even if they are made for her good.

Such love suffocates the child, preventing him from developing the properties inherent in nature, and not only does not become a guarantor of the same return of attention and care, but also spoils the child’s fate, leaving him undeveloped and incapable of normal self-realization in society, if guardianship was widespread and limitless .

But no matter what the parents are, old age creeps up on everyone. And the less their own worries become in the lives of mothers and fathers, the less they can do something for their children, the more they want to receive their attention.

Relations between parents with an anal vector and their children are especially complicated, due to the fact that there is touchiness in the properties of the anal vector. And even the slightest inattention on the part of the children puts them out of action, forcing them to wind themselves up even more and complicate an already difficult relationship.

folk wisdom

The topic of whether children owe their parents is well revealed by an old English parable about a married couple who every day went to the same bakery for 3 loaves of bread. Once the seller could not stand it and asked:

- Why do you need so many, there are only two of you?

- We take one for ourselves, one we give to our parents, and one we lend to our children.

So that children do not forget their parents, appreciate their work and simply pay attention to them when their turn comes, it is necessary to instill these qualities, especially since different people are capable of this in their own way.

So, a person with a skin vector, developed in his properties, will not forget about his parents out of a sense of duty.

The anal vector endows its owners with a sense of gratitude, which will definitely manifest itself when the time comes to take care of their old people.

It is more difficult for those who have children with a urethral vector. They are the first to break away from home and often leave it forever.

The owners of the muscle vector will always follow what he was taught in childhood.

If you want to know if children owe their parents, first ask the latter whether they have taught their children that they also have to give. And no advertisements calling for "call your parents" will make someone who does not have a sense of the importance of this change their attitude towards their old people, just as it is impossible to force a chick to return to its parent's nest.

How to properly educate children according to their vectors teaches system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, which will never make a child doubt whether children owe their parents, but simply help to raise a successful person and the best son or daughter.

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When someone owes something to someone, it means that the relationship is out of balance. That is, only one of them gave something, and only one took something.

This is true for many, I am asked about this all the time. What is there - I myself have long searched inside myself for the answer to this question. Or even questions:

• Why do parents often expect their children to repay some debt?
• Do children owe their parents something?
• And if so, what? How much and how to give?
• And if not, then what to do? Ignore these requests?

First of all, I would like to say about how we ourselves do not become like that (after all, you can’t change your parents and their position, and there’s no need to). Let's try to figure this out.

Why is this happening, why do parents expect their children to repay some debt? Based on what? Why do parents have so many worries about this and children have feelings of guilt? Where has the error and injustice crept in? Who owes what and to whom? And should it?

When someone owes something to someone, it means that the relationship is out of balance. That is, only one of them gave something, and only one took something.

Over time, debt accumulated, and the first person inside has a feeling that he was deceived and used - everything was taken away and nothing was given back. I will not consider the situation when the first gave the second many years disinterestedly. There is practically no selflessness in this world. Even in parent-child relationships.

Parents in their care of children keep in mind at least a glass of water, which the child still has to bring. They are waiting for care in weakness, and financial assistance, and that they will continue to obey, and that children will live the way their parents want, and reasons for pride and boasting, and attention. And a lot to look forward to. Even if they don't explicitly say so. But on what basis?

Parents really invest a lot in their children - time, nerves, money, health, strength. For many years. They often have to push their desires into the background - for the sake of the child. Do what you don’t want to do - again for the sake of it. To give up something, to sacrifice something - at least your own sleep for several years. Who said being a parent is easy and simple?

Years pass, and suddenly - or not suddenly - the child hears transparent hints or direct instructions of what exactly and how he owes his parents. But how legitimate and justified is this? Does he really owe something? And where does this feeling of injustice come from?

Parents are worried because their parenthood seemed to them to be a huge unrequited victim. A one-way process that does not give any bonuses and joys. They suffered for twenty years and now they are waiting for this whole disgrace to be rewarded somehow. They gave a lot and got nothing. Nothing at all. There must be justice! But is it?

No. This world is always fair in everything. Children really give a lot to their parents. More precisely, even God gives us so many things through children! Can't even describe in words. Their hugs, declarations of love, funny words, first steps, dances and songs ... Even just the sight of a little sleeping angel - the Lord created them so sweet! For the first five years of life, so much happiness comes from a child that it attracts adults like a magnet. Further, there are also many different bonuses, albeit in a slightly lower concentration. That is, through children, God also gives parents a lot, moreover, such that you cannot buy for money and you will not find it on the road. And everything is honest, everything is compensated - parents work, the Lord rewards them. Immediately, at the same point. You did not sleep at night - and in the morning you will have a smile, cooing and new skills.

But in order to receive all these bonuses, you need to be with the children nearby. And to have the strength and desire to enjoy it - which is also important. To see all these gifts, to be grateful for them.

It is in their childhood, while they are small, and from them all this happiness radiates just like that, every minute. The way they smell, laugh, swear, get offended, love, make friends, learn the world - all this cannot but rejoice the loving heart of their parents. Happiness in our heart is the reward for our labors.

Then why do parents feel that someone owes them something? Because they were not around the children, and someone else received all these bonuses and joys - a grandmother, a nanny or a teacher in a kindergarten (although the latter probably did not use this either). Parents had no time to breathe on the tops of their children and hug them in the middle of the night. We need to work, to be realized. You need to run somewhere, the children will not run away, just think, baby! You won’t talk to him, you won’t discuss the day, he doesn’t seem to understand anything, he doesn’t care who pumps and feeds him. Relationships with babies often do not fit into our understanding of relationships - what is there, just wash-feed-lay. There is no time for us to admire the sleeping children, the fatigue is so strong that you can only fall somewhere in another room. There is no time to study grasshoppers and flowers with him. There is no strength to draw, sculpt, sing together. All forces remain in the office.

But even if the mother does not work, most likely, she is also not up to these strange “bonuses” and trifles. This is some kind of nonsense, a waste of precious time (as well as for herself), but she needs to clean the house, cook food, take the child to the circle, go to the store. She can’t lie next to him and chat in his incomprehensible language, this is stupid. There is no strength and absolutely no time to just look into his eyes and exhale all the tension. And if we go on business, then we must go quickly, and not stop at every pebble. Although physically her mother is nearby, all these bonuses quickly fly past her. And often a non-working mother has even more complaints about her children - she even sacrificed her self-realization for them, without working, so that the potential score will be even higher.

So sometimes you want to stop some mother running somewhere with a stone face! Stop, mom, the biggest miracle is near! And it can't wait!

It grows every minute and gives you so many miracles and happiness, and you skip it all by, not paying attention! As if sculpting a very important sand castle, you do not notice grains of gold in the sand.

I also often stop myself when I suddenly have more important things to do than read a book, play Lego with them, or just lie down next to a sleeping miracle. And where did I go? And for what? Maybe it's better to let happiness enter my heart right now and melt it?

As a result of all this, we get such a situation that people worked for many years, worked hard enough (how can this be easy?), And their honestly earned wages were given out in another place, to some other people. Because they were exactly where they needed to be. For example, while mom and dad are working hard to pay off the mortgage on their huge house and pay for the services of the nanny, this nanny is happy, she enjoys life in this house with these children (I am such happy and fulfilled nannies, enjoying children and communication with them, I saw a lot when we lived in a village near St. Petersburg). Or it may be that no one received all these joys - no one needed them, and after many years the child himself already believed that there was nothing interesting and good in him.

At the same time, a person who worked hard and for a long time after twenty years still wants a salary - immediately for all these years! And he demands - from those for whom he suffered. And who else? But they don't. So there remains dissatisfaction, a feeling of deceit and betrayal ...

But whose problem is it if we ourselves do not come for our parents' "salary" every single day? Who is to blame that we forget that everything in the world will pass, and children will be small only once? Who is responsible for the fact that careers and accomplishments are more important for us than children's tops and conversations with them? Who pays for our decision when we are ready to give our children to kindergartens, nurseries, nannies, grandmothers for the sake of some achievements, losing contact with them and losing everything that the Lord so generously gives us through the kids?

It is useless to wait for the repayment of debt from adult children. They won't be able to give you what you want, because they have already given you so much, even though you haven't taken it all.

Children return the debt not to their parents, they give the same to their children, and this is the wisdom of life. And drinking juice from adult children means thereby depriving your own grandchildren, no matter how sad it may be.

"I'm sorry Mom, I can't help you right now. What I owe you, I will give to my children. I am ready to give you gratitude, respect, necessary care in case it is required. And that's all. There is nothing more I can do to help. Even if I really want to."

This is the only thing that an adult child can answer to his parents demanding the repayment of a debt. Of course, he can try to throw all his strength into it, all his life, giving up his future, investing not in his children, but in his parents. But none of the parties will be satisfied with this.

We don't owe anything to our parents directly. We owe all this to our children. That is our duty. Become parents and pass it all on. Give all the power of the family forward, leaving nothing behind. Similarly, our children do not owe us anything. They don't even have to live the way we want and be happy the way we see it.

Our only payment for everything is respect and gratitude. For everything that was done for us, how it was done, to what extent. Respect, no matter how parents behave, no matter what feelings they evoke in us. Respect for those through whom our souls came to this world, who took care of us in the days of greatest helplessness and vulnerability, who loved us as best they could and as best they could - with all their spiritual strength (just not everyone has a lot of strength).

Of course, we are responsible for the last years of our parents' lives, when they can no longer take care of themselves. It's not even a duty, it's just human. To do everything possible to help parents recover, to ease their life and days of illness. If we cannot sit next to a sick parent, hire a good nurse, find a good hospital where proper care will be provided, as far as possible - visit, pay attention. It would also be good to help them "leave this body properly." That is to help them prepare for this transition by reading books. Talking about it with spiritual people. But this is not a debt. This goes without saying, if we have retained something human in ourselves.

The children don't owe us anything else. And we don't owe our parents. Only respect and gratitude - directly. And the transfer of the most valuable further. To give our children as much as we ourselves received. And it is better to give even more, especially love, acceptance and tenderness.

Therefore, in order not to stand with an outstretched hand near their house in old age, demanding payments, learn to enjoy today what is so generously given to you from above.

Hug them, play with them, laugh together, sniff their tops, chat about anything, take your time, lie in bed, sing, dance, discover this world together - there are many different opportunities to experience happiness together with children!

And then the difficulties do not seem so difficult. And the work of the mother is so ungrateful and burdensome. Just think of a sleepless night, you hug the small, delicious-smelling body of an angel, he will lay his plump hand on you - and life is immediately easier. At least a little. Or not even a bit. published