Why is he better than me? He is younger. Psychology

Society likes to simplify its life by inventing and maintaining supposedly useful stereotypes. For example, "the child should eat fruit", "there should be a mystery in the woman" or "the man should be older". Moreover, these phrases sound so strict and imperative that it is scary to argue with them. But these recommendations are not the ultimate truth: there is still too much sugar in fruits, overly mysterious women eventually tire with their games and are left with nothing, and not all older men are as developed and interesting as some their rivals are younger. However, the power of social beliefs is so great that it can poison the existence of those who go against them. Take at least couples in which the man is younger than the woman. No matter how happy these people are together, their life turns into a constant struggle. The struggle for the right not to make excuses to the neighbor's old women, friends and relatives and the fight against their own prejudices.

Although there are many examples of such unions before her eyes, she looks absolutely happy next to the young Casper Smart, who is so in love with her that he is ready to get the moon from the sky for the diva. The young dancer Brahim Zaibat dreams that he will still say the cherished “yes” to him in response to a marriage proposal. But, despite the outward romance, relationships in which the man is younger than the woman are often perceived as disharmonious and devoid of true love. So how does it work in reality?

Don't decide for others

What can we hide: relationships in which a woman is older than a man are condemned. But condemn them, oddly enough, mostly other women. Men, on the other hand, do not express harsh opinions about this and approach the situation rationally.

Alexey: “Feelings are either there or they are not. And if they exist, then there is no need to ruin them like that with templates and clichés and the opinions of different people. Said it suddenly and bluntly. There is nothing to add. But not just women. They will always find a reason for concern: “I am 41, my husband is 35, we have been living together for 8 years,” says his wife Elena. - He raised my daughter as his own - he is her only father. In general, everything is fine, but there is still some doubt. After all, I understand everything - we are all not getting younger, and fears a la “what awaits me in the future?” are still present, no matter how I drive these thoughts.

But who among us doesn't have some fear? If a woman is lonely, she worries that she will remain so; if married, she fears that one day she will get divorced. If the husband is older, he is afraid that he will die early; if younger - that he will go to the same age. No matter how you live, it's still scary. So what's the point in tormenting yourself in advance and depriving yourself of joy? Men do not see the point, and they know how to set an example for their women: “My young man is 8 years younger than me: I am almost 36, and he is 28. So what? He loves me like no one has ever loved, - Anna shares. - At first I told him that I did not want to break his life, that I would not give birth to children (I already have an adult daughter). Once he got angry and clearly, but calmly said: listen and remember. First, do not decide for me - what you break me and what not. Secondly, if you don't want to give birth, don't. I will live for you. I don't need anyone but you. I feel good with you today, but I'll think about the rest tomorrow! Now I always remember his words and try not to worry for no reason.

Fear and reproach

Age is a shortcoming that passes quickly. And if only he worries you, then you really have no reason to worry. It is much more useful to occupy your head with eternal suffering about weight and figure (maybe you will finally mature for some interesting sport). However, relationships with a difference in age are fraught with, though solvable, but more pressing problems than fear of the future.

Opponents of "unequal marriages" are convinced that if the wife is older than her husband, problems may arise primarily with common interests. But one can argue with this, because even with a peer or a person older, sometimes there is nothing to talk about. This idea is confirmed by Alina, 44 years old: “The first husband was 8 years younger, then I had a serious and fairly long relationship with young guys twice: the age difference was 14 and 21 years. I don't know how to fall in love with my peers. They are of no interest to me: I read them like open books. Nothing to say about physical intimacy. Ultimately, everything depends on us, and youth is not always in the first place. Much more important is the kinship of souls and love, which is always higher than age differences.

Girls are taught from school that they develop earlier and faster than boys. This argument is adopted by supporters of the stereotype "a man should be older." But such logic is not always justified, because some men do not mature internally at all, while others mature early beyond their years. And with a spiritually mature man, you can feel small and fragile, regardless of your nominal age. “We are 10 years apart and so far so good. Because in fact it turned out that he is bigger, smarter and internally more mature than me, although he is only 22, ”admits 32-year-old Ekaterina.

But not everyone is so lucky with early grown-up men. Yes, and the difference in age still means that a woman has already achieved a certain position in society, earns more and, by all indications, plays the role of a breadwinner. In a relationship with a man younger than herself, she constantly runs the risk of slipping into “mommy” behavior and even turning her partner into a gigolo. Depriving a man of his original destiny is fraught with consequences. “In the twelfth year of our happy, as it seemed to me, life together, he found himself another woman,” says Oksana. - A woman who did not take care of him, but looked into his mouth and forced him to take care of herself. I, on the contrary, always did everything and decided by myself. When he left, I realized that I should pamper myself and my daughter, and not jump around the men. Then he returned - and we have a redistribution of roles! Since then, it has remained so. I'm not afraid that he will leave again, because now everything has changed: I love myself more, and I don't run around him. It is obvious that the solution to this most terrible problem, from the point of view of "experienced" women, is to remain tender, defenseless, affectionate and love yourself, not forgetting your joys and needs.

One question remains open: what to do with envious people? Otherwise, you cannot name people who condemn the relationship between an older woman and a younger man. And if we recall that, according to statistics, these dissatisfied with "unequal" relations are mostly women, then there is no reason to doubt their motives at all. A woman who attracts a younger man will always arouse admiration, which, due to human weakness of the soul, turns into envy and annoyance. After all, if you ask any woman if she would like to have a relationship with a young, tireless and at the same time internally strong man, the answer is unlikely to be negative. And if the happiness of loving and being loved by those who, for the sake of their feelings, are not afraid to go against prejudices, went to the chosen women, then is it worth paying attention to the opinion of the clattering envious women?

The game is worth the candle

When the main difficulties are overcome (and the man really deserved this battle), it remains only to plunge into the joy that such a relationship brings. First, you can happily benefit from the following paradox: dating an older man, a woman looks more serious and mature, but against the background of a young man, she looks younger in appearance. This is partly because there is an inexhaustible incentive to take care of yourself, by all means keeping your beauty and youth. And the abundance of varied and violent sex helps to stay fit and charged with happiness. Secondly, for his part, a man will also not want to relax: after all, if there are more mature and experienced rivals surrounded by a woman, his bar never drops. “My husband is 10 years younger than me. I don’t know why, but such a marriage is very positive for both spouses, - says Yulia, 35 years old. Maybe because we can't calm down. Each of us is afraid of losing our soul mate - each of us has grounds for fear - and therefore we are always reaching out to each other, striving to develop and become even better. And what could be better than the desire to be better - especially for the sake of a loved one? It is worth any sacrifice, including those that build character and faith in their relationship.

Many copies have been broken on the topic of marriage of unequal age. However, those who have been in a relationship with a younger man at least once are sure that they are the same as any other. Harmony should be based on love, mutual understanding and similar views on life. And if they are not, then the point here is not at all in years, but in heads and hearts.

Should you decide on a long-term relationship? Dare? Or firmly remember the foundations, bonds and traditions? We will look for answers and comments on women's Internet forums, where the topic is discussed passionately and competently. In addition, we will get acquainted with the opinion of specialists - psychologists.

Flight and pure pleasure

“Young people stick to me all my life, I can’t even imagine that an older man was nearby - it’s boring with them. Some aged suitors are already sluggish ... "

“My grandmother always told me that men die early - heart attacks, strokes - and then we live out alone. So, they say, it’s good that you have a young lover!”

“I had a brief affair with a young man 17 years younger. It didn’t grow into something more serious - I couldn’t: since childhood, I didn’t like couples that look like mother and son. But emotionally, it was a high, fly!”

We do not have anything in common…

“Girls, my husband is younger than me by ... In general, much. There is only talk around that men are bastards, that I am a fool and it is not clear what I hope for. A couple more years and he'll be gone."

“In any case, you just need to live. A man does not go to youth (and a woman, by the way), but to new love, to new emotions, if the previous relationship has become obsolete. And they no longer, or maybe did not have, love.

“When you got married, what did you hope for? For a miracle? My husband is 15 years younger than me, but I realized that this marriage is not eternal. We have been living for six years, there are no common interests, not a family, but crap!

Inna Sigovtseva, psychologist:
- In my opinion, an unequal marriage, where one of the partners is much older than the other, is doomed. He inevitably has to pull himself up to the level of a younger spouse, to live not in accordance with his age. This physically and psychologically exhausting race for youth will lead to a breakdown. Nevertheless, there are also happy families where husband and wife can accept each other as they are.

Don't be afraid and learn to appreciate yourself

“When a man is younger, it is much easier to twist and turn them as you like, if, of course, you have the mind. My husband thinks I gave him a chance and literally did him a favor. Outwardly, the difference is not particularly visible, but he is jealous and worried that he is losing to my accomplished peers - a good incentive to develop and earn money!

“My man is 12 years younger than me. With the previous one there was exactly the same difference. A woman looks (and generally behaves) at that age, how old is her lover. The kids are crazy about these. And to bother with what his mother or friends think there ... Don't care! So I advise everyone. Another thing is that this is hellish work: you can’t relax even for a second, either externally or internally.”

Alena August, psychologist:
- A woman chooses a companion that matches her real sense of age. After all, a girl lives in each of us: it is she who winks and giggles when you see the reflection of an adult woman in the mirror. So what's stopping you from getting a new experience? Public opinion today is certainly ready for any options, so it's up to you to decide with whom to live and whom to love.

Mommy's boy or a real man?

“He took care of me in such a way that you could cry with tenderness: flowers, sweets, trips to the conservatory. Made an offer. We went to meet my mother, and she says: “Finally, I can give my son into reliable hands!” I am the head of the family, life and the main income is also on me. The boy has found a second mother to sleep with."

“We have a difference of 21 years. I am 38, he is 17. My son is three months old, and I have never seen a more gentle, loving and dexterous man in dealing with a baby (I have two marriages behind my back, and this child is the fifth). We communicate easily with him and with my friends. The relationship with my mother-in-law is excellent (she is a year younger than me).

Vera Komarova, psychologist:
- There is no ideal marriage, never was and never will be. It’s too late for someone to get married at 20, someone at 65 finally got married. And those couples that surprise society, causing rumors, are created for a reason. Believe me, they are happy. In my own way. You can be happy with any (old or young!) partner - it depends on us.

strongly for

• A woman in such a union ages more slowly. The energy received from a young partner helps to maintain external attractiveness.
• Thanks to the wisdom accumulated with age, you can bypass sharp corners and smooth out conflicts.
• Intimate life is on top: the man is young and hot, the woman is experienced and sensual.
• A woman carefully monitors herself, constantly learning something new.

Strongly against

• Having taken the position of a leader, a woman is ready to overprotect a man who has the right to be annoyed and offended. He is technically the head of the family.
• There is a high probability that the husband’s parents and his friends will not put up with such an alliance: “I found myself a young toy. For what?!"
• In an unfamiliar society, you can be awarded the title of "mommy" or "big sister" - not much pleasant.
• The fear that a husband will be carried away by a younger woman can become an eternal companion of marriage.

Just a fact

According to statistics, the number of marriages in which the wife is older than the husband is increasing. In Moscow, out of 60,000 marriages concluded annually, 9% are in unions where the woman's age is 7 or more years older. Over a thousand marriages are characterized by a difference of 10 years or more. In addition, many such unions exist in the form of civil marriages.

happy couples

Igor Makarov and Lera Kudryavtseva, age difference - 16 years

Lera:"I finally have a shoulder to lean on."

Alla Pugacheva and Maxim Galkin, age difference - 27 years

Allah:“It’s easy with him, and most importantly, there’s a big difference, but I don’t feel age. He is wiser than me in many things. And he has a good sense of humor."

Lolita Milyavskaya and Dmitry Ivanov, age difference - 13 years

Lolita:“I decided to be content, happy. Now I look at him and think: how did I live before without Dimka?

Hugh Jackman and Deborah-Lee Furness, age difference - 13 years

Hugh:“I fell in love with this woman. What difference does it make how old she is?

There are a number of issues that cause internal psoriasis and eczema in me. I am covered with pimples and scaly scabs from the inside, which cannot be scraped off with an impeccable manicure. Manicure sorry. And the master wants to hit the withers strongly with a hook so that he or she expands or broadens his horizons a little wider than the keyhole.

Questions may vary. Like: how can I lose weight, but at the same time not take my ass off the chair and eat chips, because I love to grind trans fats with my jaws. Or: why does he not love me, because I love him so much, and I am the best in the world, because. Or: I need to raise my salary, because I want to buy a new car, it's a shame to drive a Lada eight when you want a VAZ Patriot. Well, or how I swing - to KIA.

But here's what makes my lungs really hiss and evaporate, because of this: you know everything about people, how I should behave with a guy if he is 3 years, 3 months and 3 seconds younger than me. And we also have the signs of the Zodiac are in different axes from the grandmother's knitted rug. He loves the Mirage group, and I am such an educated neophyte and appreciate the work of the ABBA ensemble. No, we both do not like Depeche Mode, because we are for Russian rock, I am free.

The vacuum cleaner for fools begins to suck in such a way that Arkady Averchenko does not turn over in his coffin, but sits down, breaking through the lid with his strong skull and applauding with his bony palms to the best of his ability. I knew that he would like to say, but he cannot - the tongue has decayed, the speech apparatus is helpless.

To completely fall into the slurry of idiocy, you can read manuals like: how to behave with a guy if he is younger. Why mature women are better than their peers. How to mix chamomile petals, a breath of marshmallow, a stream of ether and the ashes of an Ikeev sofa Tyldyvyrsmrg means for penis enlargement.

Biological age is the same optional and biased substance, like a manicure, like nails. Whether it is or not, these are all rudimentary fragments, nails are needed to turn over book pages (although paper books are also a rudiment), we have long ceased to scratch enemies for the sake of saving lives, only loved ones, when there is no air to say "I'm cumming."

Age does not matter. What matters is the strength in the partner. Strength of mind, mind, willpower, physical strength. This is what attracts.

It is generally accepted that the older partner suppresses the younger one. Teaches. Supervises. Is a mentor, mentor, top. One friend admitted that she raked her future husband under her when she was 19 and he was 16. She says she wanted to take a fresh kid and raise her for herself, she succeeded.

I was 19 and my future husband was 27. Very soon the growth curves matched. Even faster - they didn’t match, I grew faster, he was slower, everyone has their own pace. It opened up very quickly. And very slowly we divorced, 11 years after we met. It was hard.

All this time I thought about how cool it is to be with a partner who is better than you - spiritually, mentally, morally, physically, and physiologically, in the end. A woman does not want to be close to an equal. A woman wants to be close to someone who is better, taller, cooler. Then comes the feeling of peace, security, happiness.

Then I got really lucky. I met a man who was much older than me in terms of intelligence, right by decades. In terms of will - for hundreds of years. Every time we made joint decisions, it seemed to me that he gives the right opinion like a calculator or Excel, and I count like a fool in a column: five there, two in my mind. Why double-check on a piece of paper, when a more perfect mind has foreseen and resolved everything in seconds, huh?

We went through a lot of trials together: poverty, mismatch of families, hellish mismatch of social status and position. And then the kids started. And he never let me down, can it be so? Maybe.