The best jokes from Santa Claus. Jokes about Santa Claus and Snow Maiden

Santa Claus, thank you for the gift you brought me.
- It’s nothing, no need for gratitude.
- I think so too, but my mother told me to say so.

***

Do you know how to distinguish the Snow Maiden from Father Frost?
- How?
- Look carefully at the sheepskin coats. Some have buttons fastened from left to right, and some do the opposite.

***

Santa Claus is flying, delivering gifts. New Year is approaching. Moroz’s schedule is tight, there are still a lot of houses to fly around, and time is running out. He flies into the chimney into another house, looks, and there is a naked girl lying there. Santa thought:
- If I take advantage of a girl, I won’t have time to deliver the gifts in time. If I don’t use it, I won’t be able to fly down the drain...

***

Announcement:
“Dear guys - participants of yesterday's New Year's holiday! I ask those who received two or more gifts to return at least the bag, fur coat and beard. And please let the Snow Maiden go, you misunderstood her... Your Grandfather Frost.”

***

Well, kids, do you want to go to the Christmas tree? - said Santa Claus, tying a rope to a branch...

***

On New Year's Eve in a gay club, Santa Claus fell asleep under the Christmas tree and drunken gays thought it was a gift.

***

December 31st. Evening. A man sets up a stool, throws a rope over the chandelier... and then Santa Claus bursts in. Sees all this and asks:
- What are you doing?
- Yes... Life is a nightmare! I can’t take it anymore, I’m tired...
- Yeah... Well, since you're still on the stool, tell me a poem or something...

***

The boy wrote to Santa Claus: “Please send me a brother.”
Santa Claus replied: “No problem. Send me your mother."

***

Santa Claus comes to the psychiatrist and says:
- Doctor, help! I don't believe in myself...

***

New Year. Vovochka walks around the hall with a big bag and touches everyone with it. They tell him:
- Vovochka, if you don’t stop doing this, then Santa Claus won’t come to you!
And he replied:
- Who do you think is in my bag?

***

New Year in a Jewish kindergarten. Santa Claus comes in with a bag of gifts and says:
- Hello, kids!
- Hello, Santa Claus!
- Let's buy gifts!

***

Why does Santa Claus always walk around happy and happy?
- Because he knows where the bad girls live.

***

Vovochka, who do you want to be?
- Santa Claus.
- Why?
- What's bad? I've been busy for a week and I'm free for a whole year!

***

This Santa Claus mixed everything up,” said the conscript.
- What's the matter? - asked his friend.
- Fifteen years ago, before the New Year, I asked him to give me a military uniform. And only now I received it.

***

Snow Maiden, why do you walk around bare-chested?
- Yes, my Santa Claus lost his beard somewhere.
- So what?
- So that no one notices.

***

The boy writes a letter: “Good Grandfather Frost! I really liked the Chinese firecrackers and firecrackers you sent last year! For this New Year, please give me two fingers of your left hand...”

***

Father Frost:
- Hello, dear children! The Snow Maiden and I came to you from the very North. To begin with, we are planning a poetry competition. You will read poetry, and the one who brings the corkscrew first will win.

***

Girls, Santa Claus turns out to be greedy!
- Where did you get the idea?
- And he, instead of bringing me his gift, found a doll that my mother hid in the closet and put it under the Christmas tree.

***

Vovochka! Who taught you this terrible word?
- Santa Claus, when he fell over my bicycle at night.

***

Two actors moonlight as Santa Clauses on New Year's Eve. One asks the other:
- Listen, come to my family and congratulate them on the holiday.
- Why can’t you do it yourself?
- Yes, I charge too much.

***

When I was about 6-7 years old, I saw Santa Claus dressing up as dad in the bedroom, and from then on I realized that dad doesn’t exist.

***

What is the difference between Father Frost and Santa Claus?
- Father Frost lives with the Snow Maiden, and Santa Claus lives with a deer!

***

“Grandfather Frost, last New Year you came to us with some drunken girl, washed your hands in compote, ate all the food from the dog’s bowl, and then, shouting “Now for snowballs,” began throwing cabbage rolls! I really liked it... come again this New Year. Seryozha, 7 years old.”

***

Do you believe in the existence of Santa Claus?
- Santa Claus doesn't exist! Santa Claus himself told me about this.

Similar funny jokes:

Jokes about New Year, Father Frost and Snow Maiden

TO New Year's Eve. Five minutes before closing, mom runs into the toy store (M)
with my little son (S) looking for a New Year's gift. In one of the departments, the salesperson (P) is a young man who is already ready to go home and prepare for the holiday. Mom and son run up to his counter.
M - Well, what do you want?
S - I want a pipe...
The seller turns around and sees that the pipe is lying at the very top of a high shelf with toys. Having no desire to go after her, he begins to persuade the baby.
P - Well, maybe you can pick up the drum? Look how big and loud it is.
S - I want a pipe...
P - Or maybe a hare? Look how nice he is.
S - I want a pipe...
There was nothing to do, the seller put up a stepladder and climbed for the pipe. He climbed up, pulled the pipe, and then the stepladder began to shake under him, he grabbed the shelf and, along with it and all the toys, fell to the floor. The seller crawled out from under a pile of toys, looked at the mother and son and said:
- Of course, this doesn’t apply to you, woman, but, boy, FUCK YOUR MOTHER!!!

P According to the latest information from astrologers, the coming New Year will be quite favorable for almost all signs of the Zodiac. But serious problems are quite possible for those people who do not use the services of astrologers.

P the Snow Maiden showers after the New Year, and to Santa Claus:
- Listen, grandfather, I don’t remember anything after yesterday.
- Well, when the kids came to the Christmas tree, you were already drunk, then you drank a couple more glasses and started striptease dancing.
- I’m wondering why my panties are full of candy.

D Dear Santa Claus! I have a photo of you in a bathhouse with three Snow Maidens! I'll send you my wish list in the next email...

IN Napoleon went to Moscow, and in front of him it was all in lights:
- What kind of holiday do Russians have today?
- Today is their New Year: they celebrate it with sparklers and Chinese firecrackers
- So they will burn Moscow and blame everything on me.

N and every New Year I buy myself an evening dress... and every year I get drunk and sleep on the floor. Maybe it's better to buy a mattress this year?

TO Every time before the New Year, my wife puts her fist to my nose and says:
- You won't drink on New Year's Day! You won't!
And I smile in response and joyfully think to myself: “We’ve been living together for almost 15 years, and how much optimism she still has!”

N New Year. 12 o'clock at night - silence!
0.30 - silence.
01.00 - silence.
Half past two the window opens with a bang and a loud voice:
- Start blowing things up already, you bastards! How long can you shake your nerves?

P letter to Santa Claus:
“Dear Grandfather Frost, I really want you to give me a fat wad of money and a thin physique this year. I hope you don’t get confused like last year.”

AND So! New Year has come! Now all men can apply the Olivier Salad face mask without a twinge of conscience...

M Moscow, entrance... January 1, 8 am... The New Year has died down. The floor was spit-stained and covered with broken bottles and trampled bulls. All this is picturesquely covered with confetti... The door of one of the apartments swings open. Something appears on the threshold,
in a tracksuit, with a swollen face and slitted eyes. Having looked around the surrounding area and sighed heavily, he bends down, stirs up a bunch of bulls, finds a whole one, lights a cigarette, and blissfully inhales, utters:
- Eh, s-sho...
The door opposite opens. Another Something appears in the opening, somewhat subtly resembling the first. The ritual is repeated. Sigh, search for a bull and a blissful “Eh”...
First Miracle (FC): Pryvt...
Second Miracle (HF): Pryvt...
PC - Happy New Year?
HF - And you...
PC - Is your Ninka still sleeping?
VC - What are you, idiot? Ninka is me!
PC - AAA... Uh-huh... And MINE is sleeping too...

M already:
- What is Santa Claus doing in our closet?!
Wife:
- Fulfills my wishes...

D Ed Frost on the children's Christmas tree asks a riddle:
- Gray-haired red nose, who am I, children?
Everyone answers: “Santa Claus!”
After several Christmas trees hit the board, Santa Claus falls onto the next one and asks:
-Red-nosed gray-haired man, who am I, children? … .

P While the guests were getting ready to go outside to celebrate the New Year, the drunken sapper Petrov in the corner managed to clear all the firecrackers.

P We accept orders for the New Year.
Prices:
Snow Maiden with Santa Claus: $50
Snow Maiden without Santa Claus: $200

U We have a tradition in our office: before the New Year we hold a competition “Where the hell did we put the Christmas tree decorations?!”

N I will prepare for MARCH 8th! And then I prepared and prepared for the New Year and was ready to meet it...

- A Is it difficult to celebrate the New Year for 12 hours in a row?
- I think not weakly... To do this, on December 31, at 23.45, you need to board a plane in Petropavlovsk-Kamchatsky and fly off to Moscow through all 12 time zones!
- Is your health enough?

1 January, evening:
- Kolyan, what did you have today?
- What?
“I’m calling you for the first time, and this is what some woman answers and tells me about the snow.” I call the second time - the policeman says that you are under arrest. The third time - some brothers are looking for you for debts...
- Try calling by phone, not from the TV remote control.

- IN Where will you celebrate the New Year?
- We don’t remember!! We'll be drunk!

P Letter to Santa Claus:
“Grandfather Frost, I’m on a diet, and therefore I can’t have sweets. Please send me a box of semi-sweets..”

N New Year is when dads try to convince their children that he is Santa Claus, and their wife that he is not Santa Claus.

Z Hello, dear kids! The Snow Maiden and I came to you from the very North. To begin with, we are planning a poetry competition.
You will read poetry, and the one who brings the corkscrew first will win.

D ninety seven, ninety eight, ninety nine...
And before the New Year it was 90-60-90...

WITH The very first country where Santa Claus comes is China...
To load the bag with gifts.

D All of your actors work part-time as Santa Clauses for the New Year. One asks the other:
- Listen, come to my family and congratulate them on the holiday.
- Why can’t you do it yourself?
- Yes, I charge too much.

- H What is the New Year holiday like?
- Genocide of coniferous trees. People get drunk, get drunk and start
dance around the decorated corpses of Christmas trees.

I I realized that I celebrated the New Year very boringly when today, near the entrance, an absolutely blue body turned to me with a question:
- What year is it today?!..

G stupid death:
On New Year’s Day, people were drinking in the house, one guy fell out of the window because of a drinking binge, everyone was scared, it’s the eighth floor after all, but he doesn’t give a damn, he gets up and says: “Throw the button accordion, why look, I’ll play!” , KILLED WITH A BAYAN.

D awesome editor! Please answer me, is Santa Claus still there or not? Otherwise, my mother says that there is, and my wife laughs.

31 December.
Optimist: - The New Year will be better than the old one.
Pessimist: - The New Year will be worse than the old one.
Realist: - Well, I'll get drunk again!

IN guests.
- Your wife has very original earrings. I've never seen anything like this.
- Yes, I just forgot to buy her a gift for the New Year. I had to donate my cufflinks.

- A Here is one such person who wrote a letter to Santa Claus: “Give me two young virgins in the New Year.” I was joking, you know...
- So what did Santa Claus give him?
- Otherwise! His secretary gave birth to twins...

***Cool jokes about Father Frost and Snow Maiden***

So, Petrov, the trade union is organizing a visit to the house of Father Frost and Snow Maiden. We rent for 200 hryvnia. Should I sign you up? - Write it down! - Why do you give 100? - My wife and child are going to her mother-in-law for the New Year, so I only want Snegurochka!

***Adults, vulgar jokes about Father Frost and Snow Maiden***

I want Santa Claus to come to me not on New Year’s Eve with gifts, but on January 1st with mineral water.

***Very funny jokes about Santa Claus and gifts***

Hello, Grandfather Frost! - Perhaps I spelled the word Porsche incorrectly last year.

***Jokes about Santa Claus and New Year***

Sensation! - For the first time, Father Frost will come to the New Year holiday not only with his granddaughter, but also with his wife. Meet! - Snow Maiden, Father Frost and Frostbitten Baba!

***Children's jokes about Santa Claus and parents***

Father Frost brings gifts to parents who have raised their children correctly.

***Jokes about Santa Claus and a ball for children***

Santa Claus: - Well, boy, ask for what you want? - PlayStation. - A poem from you. Our Tanya is crying loudly, dropped into the river... what? - Ball. - That's right boy, here's a ball for you, and you say - Playstation!

***Jokes about letters to Santa Claus and mail***

Letter to Santa Claus: - Grandfather Frost, I’m on a diet, and that’s why I can’t have sweets. Please send me a box of semi-sweet...

***Obscene jokes about Santa Claus and a boy***

A boy wakes up in the morning for the New Year, and there is Santa Claus under the tree.

Grandfather Frost, you still exist, but at school they told us that you don’t exist, you live only in a fairy tale.

Well, boy, now you know that I am alive, and I will have to kill you.

***New Year's jokes about Santa Claus and his wife***

I realized that Santa Claus does not exist when my wife asked me to put gifts under the tree for my son.

***Jokes about Father Frost and Santa Claus***

Father Frost boasts to Santa Claus: - And my Snow Maiden took first place in the competition! - Congratulations. What kind of competition? - Miss Frigidity.

***Fresh jokes about Santa Claus and happiness***

Why is Santa Claus always happy? - Because he knows where the bad girls live.

***Jokes about drunken Santa Claus and debt***

Santa Claus, already “good”, comes to the next call: - What would you like, dear boy, as a gift? The child, without saying a word, punches Santa Claus in the nose. - Boy, for what? - And this is for last year.

***Jokes about Santa Claus and Vovochka***

Vovochka, where have you heard this terrible word? - From Santa Claus. - Can't be! - Maybe! He said it when Petka hit him with a snowball in the eye!

***Jokes for adults about Santa Claus and corporate parties***

Letter to Santa Claus: “Dear Grandfather Frost, I really want you to give me a fat wad of money and a thin physique this year. I really hope you don’t get confused like last year.”

***Jokes about Santa Claus and reindeer***

Dear Santa Claus, I put milk and cookies for you and the Snow Maiden, as well as carrots for your deer and hares under the Christmas tree. With love, Dasha... - Dear Dasha. Milk gives me diarrhea, and carrots make my reindeer fart in my face when Snegurka and I ride on a sleigh. - Do you want to please me? Leave a bottle of vodka, but not a burnt one. Father Frost.

***Laughing jokes about Father Frost and Snow Maiden***

After a stormy New Year's Eve, the Snow Maiden wakes up the tipsy Santa Claus early in the morning: - Wake up, old man! Why are you moaning so loudly in your sleep? - I dreamed about this Snow Woman! - Father Frost answers, showing his thumb. - Don’t make a hunchback! Who is she, do I know her? - No, we met in a dream, under the table.

***Jokes about Santa Claus and American children***

A little boy is writing a letter to Santa Claus: Dear Grandfather Frost! I really liked those American firecrackers that you gave me last New Year. So please give me 2 fingers and an eye this New Year!

**Jokes about Santa Claus and a tower crane***

Shortly before the New Year: - If you obey and stop being capricious, then Santa Claus will give you a tower crane. - Great! This means I will have two whole tower cranes! - Why two? - And I found the second one under your bed.

**Jokes about Santa Claus and money***

Letter to Santa Claus: - My name is Vadik, I am 8 years old. Now we are having money difficulties in our family. Could you give me some money? I'll really get even!

**Jokes about Santa Claus and kindergarten***

In kindergarten. Petya: - My dad is the owner of a car dealership. I ordered a car for Santa Claus for the New Year. Vasya: - And my dad is the owner of the restaurant. I ordered a large cake for Santa Claus for the New Year. Vovochka sits scratching his head with envy and says: “Yeah, it’ll be a New Year for you, my dad is a killer, I’ll order Santa Claus for him!”

Today, almost everyone who has a computer and is connected to the Internet can show off an anecdote, toast or joke at the New Year’s table on the topic of this beloved holiday. One has only to type the appropriate request and the global “network” will “catch” real pearls, pearls of wisdom and humor: a lot of wonderful toasts that will decorate any feast or friendly get-together.

And those who don’t have time to search can take advantage of our collection. Thanks for theseNew Year's jokes and jokes to their authors, we present everything unchanged, so all compliments and complaints to the authors are the sources attached. Take your pick - there are small New Year's stories for every taste.

1. New Year's joke "17 signs of Santa Claus"

1. The door peephole was immediately filled with frosty fumes.

2. The real Santa Claus has blue veins on his hands, while the fake one has blue tattoos.

3. The body temperature of a real Santa Claus does not rise above zero degrees. You can store vodka in it.

4. The real Santa Claus gets to you not on antlers, but on reindeer.

5. He remembers how he returned to Veliky Ustyug last year.

6. A real Santa Claus snacks only on a snowball or an icicle and sniffs it with the Snow Maiden.

7. The real Santa Claus is accompanied by only 1 (one) Snow Maiden. You can't choose.

8. The real Santa Claus never slaps the Snow Maiden on the butt in front of children. He pats her later when he thinks the children are already asleep.

9. The real Santa Claus hates poetry.

10. There is no United Russia emblem on his bag of gifts.

11. If you pull the real Santa Claus’s beard, his head will twitch.

12. He is very kind. Even after a kick he will give you something.

12. If you treat the real Santa Claus to real alcohol, grandfather will be left with a puddle that he won’t even think about cleaning up.

14. After the real Santa Claus, the toilet smells like pine.

15. When he leaves, things don’t disappear from the apartment! On the contrary, they appear.

16. He doesn’t leave behind business cards like “Banquets, weddings, anniversaries!” or “Candidate of Physics and Mathematics Sciences Aisman D. M.”

17. He also believes in Santa Claus.

(Source: "Red Burda")

2. New Year's signs - 1

If the icicle fell not down, but up, it means that your New Year's wish will come true exactly the opposite;

If the needles on the tree turn blue, it means there is no more water for the tree;

If you hear an obscene response to the call “burn the Christmas tree,” it means you tried to set fire to your wife’s green coat;

If on New Year's Day Santa Claus comes out of the closet, it means that today he gave you horns;

If you and your friends went to the bathhouse on New Year’s Eve, it means you won’t be able to wash yourself off for the rest of the year;

If a snowflake falls on your palm and does not melt, you urgently need to drink to warm up;

If Santa Claus demands a gift from you, save money....

(Source: lizoblyudnichat.ru)

3. Funny New Year's advice at the table.

1. If during New Year's Eve you find yourself under the table, remember: you are still an accomplice to the festive banquet.

2. If you are attracted to a dish on the New Year’s table, but it is impossible to reach it, pull the tablecloth towards you.

3. We must not forget that a cultured guest is not the one who eats a lot at the festive table, but the one who does not notice that there is nothing left to eat.

4. If your friend wants to refresh himself on New Year's Eve, shake the bottle of soda well and kindly offer it to him.

5. If you run out of candy on the table, don’t despair, but wrap pieces of cut erasers in candy wrappers - the “sweetness” will not decrease.

6. If your cat has eaten all the holiday fish, roll the fish skeletons in the dough and bake them - the guests who have been playing tricks will be happy.

7. To make the New Year's feast memorable for your guests for a long time, add sawdust and shavings to the salad, and nails to the cutlets.

8. Delay serving the holiday dinner and your guests will find it much tastier, no matter what’s on their plates.

9. To prevent the birthday cake from crumbling, layer it with plywood and cover it with chocolate icing.

10. If the guests have eagerly destroyed all your culinary preparations, leaving no knives and forks, it is time to end the festive banquet.

(Source: babyblog.ru)

4. New Year's signs - 2

How you celebrate the New Year is how you will spend it. To ensure prosperity in the coming year, you should arrange a joyful, welcoming New Year's Eve;

You cannot give money away before the New Year, otherwise you will have to give it away the whole year;

If something happened to a person on New Year’s Day, it will happen for the whole year;

If someone sneezes on this day, then to your well-being - the whole year will be happy;

If you wear something new for the New Year, the year will be successful. On New Year's Eve with new clothes, wear new clothes for a whole year;

The last glass on New Year's Eve will bring good luck to whoever drinks it;

Loaf and salt on the New Year's table - to prosperity;

You should not pay debts on this day, otherwise you will be paying off the whole year;

You cannot borrow money on New Year's Eve so as not to be in debt for the entire next year;

Whoever's pockets are empty on New Year's Day will spend the entire year in need;

There should be an abundance of food and drinks on the New Year's table, then there will be prosperity in the family all year;

Before the New Year, you cannot wash dirty linen in public, otherwise there will be no domestic well-being for the whole year;

If the first day of the year is cheerful, then the whole year will be so;

If there are guests on New Year's Day, then there are guests all year round;

If on the first day of the New Year a merchant gives the goods to the first buyer he meets very cheaply, then the whole year will be a successful trade;

If you do hard work on New Year's Day, the whole year will pass without rest;

(Source: noviy-god-2009.com)

5. Folk New Year's signs.

1. If at 23:50 on December 31 you see two Presidents on TV reading the New Year’s Address, it means that your celebration is going according to plan.

2. If there are one and a half presidents, someone has already hit you in the eye, but the celebration is proceeding at a normal pace.

3. If there are more than three presidents, you were in a hurry somewhere and for some reason.

4. If the President is above you, get up from the floor.

5. If the President makes “faces” at you and makes such funny threats, you have good grass.

6. If the President addresses you personally and shakes your hand through the TV, the second and third stamps were unnecessary.

7. If the President is not visible or heard, someone has already broken the TV.

8. If the President is sitting in a fire, this is a reflection of your New Year tree: put it out and don’t buy Chinese garlands anymore.

9. If the President is alone, and you understand what he is talking about, you are very, very bored, but remember: everything can still be fixed!

(Source: wap.razhuka.borda.ru)

6. "Women's letter to Santa Claus before the corporate party."

Dear Santa Claus!

This New Year I would like everyone to become kinder, and for me to become more beautiful.

There will be time - make men smarter. But if you don’t have time, then just send me a twenty-five-year-old ski instructor. In general, Jake Gyllenhaal will do for me (This is about the same as Brad Pitt, only younger.) The guy from the cologne advert is also not bad - the one who runs naked around the apartment, kicks a pillow, and then sits in a chair and eyes like that stare-stark!

However, I digress. I want to ask you for another new metabolism. The one from the cormorant is suitable for me - this bird manages to eat more in a day than it weighs itself, but does not gain weight at all in its hips. In my opinion, this is unfair. Slender hips are much more necessary for women than for some cormorants.

Of course, I convince myself that if I eat bread for breakfast that tastes no different from the wrapper in which it is packaged, sooner or later I will turn into Kate Moss. But we both understand, dear Grandfather, that this is not so. Therefore - cormorants. Remember.

Now about the hairstyle. Make it so that I don’t have to shell out five thousand rubles to the hairdresser every time so that two days after the haircut my hair again takes on its original tousled look. I'm tired of explaining to people that I don't sleep in a cage with rabid hamsters.

Epilation. Grandfather, do you even know how painful this is? I don't argue, there are a lot of advantages to being a woman. You will be the first to be lowered in a boat from a sinking ship (not a fact, but it is common to believe in it). You don't need to straighten your genitals in front of everyone. You can digest food with your mouth closed. You can scare men with mysterious gynecological terms. But an endless civil war with your own hair on the entire surface of the body, except the head, is unbearable. Either give us all a device that would quickly and painlessly remove all unwanted hair, or introduce a fashion for shaggy women.

Next. Underpants. This is a serious women's problem, to which even Bridget Jones at one time attracted attention. It's always difficult with panties. Always, every day, you have to make a decision: thongs, slimming, comfortable or no panties.
Shapewear has been preserved since the Inquisition, when women were offered the choice of fire, boiling lava or squeezing their insides using polyamide and elastin. In this vestment it is difficult to breathe, dance and take seductive poses. You can only think about one thing: “When the hell will this torment end?”

It's not easy with thongs either. The thong cuts into you know where, it pricks, and because of them you have to constantly itch like a macaque in a zoo. The only difference is that the macaque does it in public, and you deliberately touch the tables, chairs and hands of men.
Panties with frills, lace and other sexy decorations are also far from ideal. Maybe it’s precisely because of all these inconvenient devices that modern girls agree to have sex so quickly: they met, drank a cocktail and - hey! - She is already undressing. Of course.

Comfortable cotton briefs are made for people, but they don't look aesthetically pleasing. And usually the size of a small developing state. We have to constantly remember that if a girl in comfortable shorts is hit by a car, then all the orderlies at the morgue will come running to look at her: “Those are parachutes!”

In general, come up with something, you are Santa Claus. Make comfortable panties beautiful, delicious food low-calorie, and handsome men heterosexual

(Source: galya.ru)

7. "Monologue of Santa Claus" - 1.

Oh, what a huge house - this is my plot,
I go to him with a bag - Santa Claus is unhappy,
I have a red nose, a beard made of cotton wool,
Guys, I'm Santa Claus - hired for a fee!

My wife is waiting for me at home, my children are crying at home,
How I wanted to celebrate the New Year with them ,
That’s the only way the local committee decided - Peter Tryasoguska,
Now I’m walking with a bag - I have a load!

Here is apartment number one and a call without a tag,
Hello! I came to you, where are your children!
What's happened? No children? Why are you right?
Sign quickly, not here, but on the right.

They put something in my pocket. Three rubles. What are you talking about!?
Vodka? No, I don’t drink guys - I don’t tolerate alcohol!
Why if not your own? We are all just people
Well, let's go one at a time.. Oh, let's celebrate the holiday!

Here is apartment number two... Hello kids
If you feel dizzy, sign the book.
Get Bab Yaga for your girlfriend
No, I can’t do a dog, but I can do two guns.

They put something in my pocket... Three rubles? Let's!
No, guys, I don’t drink vodka. Anyway, pour it!
Here is apartment number three. No matter how it falls,
Open, I say... Grandfather Marasmus is knocking!

Feel free to invite your children here! You hold a candle!
Give me five rubles! Pour vodka!
Give me something to eat. Just hurry up
Yes, let me sit at the table, ugh, only Jews.

Here is apartment number - firm. Open quickly!
I'm Moidodyr guys, coming to you from the team.
Why are you hiding baby? Give me the way
Stop, dad, where you are! Oh, there are a lot of you here!

The bridge of the nose hurts, and under the eye it swells
Who am I? Leshy? Aibolit? Where am I lying? In the kitchen?
And come on, without threats, just keep quiet for a while.
Hello, Grandfather Frost! Bring a basin!

(Source: playcast.ru)

(On the same topic there is in the collection

8. Anecdote at the table "Features of the Russian New Year."

December 31st.
So, I finished cutting the Olivier salad, the chicken was ready, the mashed potatoes were ready, I washed the fruit, cleaned the apartment, ironed my dress, washed my head, shaved my legs. Christmas tree, you creature, if you fall again, I’ll feed you to a mad cow! Well, where are you, dear guests, I’m just in a festive New Year’s mood - come in, damn it, sit down, eat!
Well, what about the New Year? Chin-chin!

January 1st.
Sofa. Fridge. Sofa. Fridge. Sofa. Fridge. Sorcerers, midshipmen, Verka Serduchka,
I wonder which guest locked the cat in the dishwasher?
Fridge. Sofa. Sofa. Sofa.

January 2.
Hello, dear guests! You have martinis and tangerines, I have Olivier and a Christmas tree. Happy holiday! Christmas tree, creature, stop! Otherwise I'll feed you to the mad guests.
Have you seen the cat?.. Strange. Here's to the new year!

January 3.
Sofa. Fridge. Sofa. Fridge. Sofa.
Ale, hello! To you?
Well: you have to make these movements: Well, okay, I’m going. Do you still have any food left? Ok, then I'm done with martinis and tangerines. I propose a toast: well, you know!

January 4.
I am made of Olivier, and instead of a brain I have tangerines. We need to take a break, go for a walk, drink some mineral water:
Oh, hello! What destinies? They were running past and decided to stop by, grab some vodka and warm up? Well, come on in: For the New Year? Well, let's go.
I saw how a cat climbed into the dishwasher by itself and locked itself from the inside - it should be done with the holidays.

January 5th.
Mom, dad, hi. Happy New Year to you, dear ones, all the best to you!
Mom, have mercy, if I eat your jellied meat, I will go straight to your holiday table or my stomach will burst through my ears. No!
No salads! I'm pregnant with Olivier - do you want such a grandson? Well, leave me to breathe quietly into the aisle and regret my worthless life:
I’ll drink champagne, but only as a painkiller - I know that I won’t get out of your table alive!

January 6.
Today is Christmas Eve, we need to celebrate the bright holiday as it should be!
So, I finished cutting the Olivier salad, the chicken was ready, the mashed potatoes were ready, I washed the fruit, cleaned the apartment, ironed my dress, washed my head, shaved my legs.
Hello, dear guests, come in: leave the tree lying, it, like the whole country, is in hibernation.
Well, happy upcoming year to you! Don't pour it for me! Well, if only a little, symbolically: Here’s to Christmas! And for the new year, of course. Is Christmas more important?
Well, let's do it again for Christmas! And for the New Year, so that he won’t be offended by us. Let's celebrate Christmas and the New Year together so that no one is offended?
Let's!

January 7.
Sofa. Sofa. Sofa. I need to collect my thoughts and remember where the refrigerator is in my house.

January 8.
Ale, hello! Are you coming to tell fortunes to me? Well, come on: Just don’t bring a martini, otherwise I’ll throw up on my betrothed.
I’ll get married this year, give birth to a child, go abroad - an excellent result! You need to drink to this. There is vodka and mineral water - I suggest continuing the fortune-telling, I still need money next year and health to survive the holidays!
I propose a toast: yyyyy

January 9.
So, that's it, I have to go to work tomorrow, it's time to come to my senses. Cat, come out, I won't do it again!
Hello, are you coming to see me again? Listen, I have to go to work tomorrow, have a conscience! Will you have tea? With cake. Did you bring cognac? Well, okay, a teaspoon in tea - and no more! Here's to the new fucking year.
Wow, what delicious tea! Who else should I pour?..

January 10.
Tak: This is my workplace. The only question is - who do I work for? I must have a job description somewhere:

How scary to live!

(Source: vk.com)

9. "How to have fun celebrating the New Year (in the style of Oster)

If you want to celebrate the New Year cheerfully and brightly,
Don’t stare blankly at TV and not fall asleep at one in the morning.
Dress up as Santa Claus and run outside,
And boldly block the path of good people!

Loudly demand gifts, trip them up while laughing
And it’s not at all make-believe that you shove them into the bag.
If anyone wants to pass by, grab him by the coat
And read loudly a vulgar poem about the Snow Maiden.

Then they will bury you in a snowdrift, call you discordant names,
They will put a firecracker in your ear and pour confetti into your mouth.
And then, I assure you, you won’t be bored at all,
And you will find out how fun this holiday is - New Year!

10. "Why Santa Claus doesn't exist"

1. Not a single Reindeer can fly. But to be honest, we haven't studied 300,000 living beings yet. And most of them are bacteria.
True, this does not mean that one of the creatures cannot be a flying Reindeer

(watch the tale about the Reindeer)

2. There are 2 billion children (people under 18 years of age) living on earth. Grandfather
Frost does not come to the children of Muslims, Hindus, Jews and Buddhists. Therefore, 81.1% can be rejected. That leaves 378 million children. Let's say that each family has 3 children.
That turns out to be 126 million families. Let's assume that in each of them there is only one good child who deserves a gift.

3. Due to time differences and the movement of the earth, Santa Claus has 31 hours to deliver gifts, if we assume that he moves from West to East (which is logical).
It turns out that he must visit 1129 families per second. So he can only spend 1/1000th of a second stopping, getting out of the wagon, jumping into the fireplace, putting in the gift, climbing back through the fireplace, getting into the wagon, and flying to another house. Let's say the distance between houses is 0.78 miles, then he only needs to travel 75.5 million kilometers. But we have not yet taken into account that in 31 hours Grandfather must also do what all normal people do: eat and relieve himself. To do all this, you need to move at a speed of 650 miles per second. For comparison, the fastest car ever invented by man (the Ulysses satellite) moves at 27.4 miles per second, and the average Reindeer moves, at its fastest, at 15 miles per hour.

4. Now let's look at gifts. If every child got a box
A medium-sized LEGO (1.8 kg), it turns out that the cart itself weighs 314,100 tons, not counting Santa Claus, who is rumored to be very, very fat. An ordinary Reindeer lifts 150 kg. Let's say that the Flying Reindeer are ten times stronger. Then we need 214,200 deer, and not 6-8, which, again, according to rumors, he rides. And the more deer, the heavier the cart. It turns out 353,430 tons with deer. For comparison: The ship Queen Elizabeth is four times lighter.

5. The result is that a body weighing 353,000 tons moves at a speed of 650 miles per second. The frictional force generated by this movement ignites the Reindeer. At the same time, each Deer releases 14.3 quintillion energy, which burns both the Deer and the cart. We get that the Deer and the cart are destroyed in 4.26 thousandths of a second.
Conclusion: If Santa Claus existed, then he is most likely already dead...

Price tag in a toy store: "Snow Maiden (boy)."

New Year's Eve. There is a cold inspector at the traffic police post,
hungry, angry. He thinks to himself: “Everyone is having a holiday. And here I am.”
I stand alone like a fool. Well, nothing. To the first car you come across
so I'll cling on!!! To all the little things!!!" It’s standing, but no one is coming.
The inspector gets even angrier. Finally, a car appears.
The traffic cop raises his baton. A speeding Mercedes 600
stops about a hundred meters from the post.
“Okay,” the trash thinks, “you’ll pay me for this! I’m so angry,
that even you don’t have enough money!” He approaches the car and looks in
out the window, and there were four rednecks with machine guns. The crazy traffic cop:
"Guys, can we sing carols?"

Last December, fake Christmas trees appeared on the black market.
toys. They look like real ones, but there is no joy from them.

An elderly woman submits a telegraph form at the post office, in which
not very legibly written: “Congratulations to my daughter Nina, grandchildren
Happy New Year to Olya and Katya and grandson Petya."
“You’d better,” the postal employee advised, “just write
and briefly: “Happy New Year to everyone.”
- Hello! - the woman answered. - Why is this everyone?
when I don’t want to congratulate my son-in-law.

Santa Claus is flying and delivering gifts. New Year is approaching.
Santa's schedule is tight, he still has a lot of houses to fly around,
and time is running out. Flies into the chimney into another house,
he looks, and there is a naked girl lying there.
Santa thought:
- I’ll take advantage of the girl - I won’t get the gifts on time
smash. If I don’t use it, I won’t be able to fly down the drain...

Well, kids, do you want to go to the Christmas tree? - said Santa Claus,
tying a rope to a branch...

I will satisfy your desire.
Father Frost.

New Year's Eve. Street. Father Frost and Snow Maiden. Snow Maiden:
- I'm so tired. It's everyone's holiday, and we...
Father Frost:
- But this is really a holiday! Look, look (pointing to
a passing police car with flashing lights) - even police on a holiday
They force you to drive around with garlands.

Girls, Santa Claus turns out to be greedy!
- Where did you get the idea?
- And instead of bringing his gift, he found a doll that
Mom hid it in the closet and put it under the Christmas tree!

There's a knock on the door.
-Who's there?
- Father Frost.
- Aren’t you lying?
- A century of will is not to be seen...

Why do the elves help Santa Claus, but not our Santa Claus? Because
our Santa Claus FOR ORCS.

New Year:
Santa Claus from the Zarya company, quite a bit of a jerk, comes to the kindergarten.
Children gather around him.
- Grandfather Frost, did you bring us gifts?
- I brought you gifts, children, but I will distribute them to you only after
How do you solve one simple problem: In one day Santa Claus
fulfills 10 orders. For one order he receives 50 rubles. How many
does Santa Claus get a day?
The children begin to raise their hands and shout vyingly
- 500 rubles, Grandfather Frost! 500 rubles, Grandfather Frost!
In response, Santa Claus makes an expressive movement: he places his right hand
on the inside of the left elbow, and the left one, bent at the elbow, lifts
vertically with a clenched fist.
- Here you go, kids! What about taxes?

Three stages of a man's maturation
1) He believes in Santa Claus
2) He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus
3) He is Santa Claus

Two gay men meet after the New Year. One says:
- Listen, dear, I have such an amazing story for Christmas.
happened: a man knocks on my door. Those eyes are like that, you know
blue-blue, pink-pink cheeks, dressed in red, and behind
such a big bag on my back...
Another responds:
- Honey, it was Santa Claus!
- That’s why he was so cold with me at first!

A drunk woman is brought to the police station.
Cop: - Who are you?
She: - Me? I am the Snow Maiden.
Cop: - What a Snow Maiden you are. You're drunk and you peed yourself too.
She: - So... I'm melting.

The end of December... There is a notice hanging on a pole: “You can order
Santa Claus and Snow Maiden on the phone..." Holding onto a pole, he stands
drunk and sobbing bitterly: “Killers! Monsters! They ordered Santa Claus too...”

Programmers are getting ready to celebrate the New Year. The beer has already been poured
(over glasses - what did you think?), and then one says:
- I want to make a toast. Let's drink to my worst enemy.
And may he have ten times more money in the new year,
than y me!
And, looking around at the puzzled faces of those around him, he adds:
- For Bill Gates!

Good Grandfather Frost!
I really appreciate the Chinese firecrackers you sent last year.
liked it!
This New Year, please give me two fingers and an eye!

At the New Year's party.
- Have you heard that this New Year should be celebrated in blue? Nobody
Did you happen to take the blue one with you?

My husband gave me an invisible hat for New Year.
- Do you really become invisible in it?
- Of course not. It’s just that no one in this knitted Chinese hat sees me
notices!