Jokes about family. Cool statuses and aphorisms about a happy family life

Cool statuses and aphorisms about a happy family life

Family happiness is when the wife's desires coincide with the husband's size.

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Don’t think about who is in charge in the family - you or your wife. It's better for you not to know.

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Marriage is built on patience. Moreover, each spouse is sure that it is he who endures.

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A HAPPY FAMILY LIFE is when the words “WIFE” and “BELOVED” refer to ONE WOMAN.

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Any marriage is one of convenience - after all, everyone expects to find their happiness in it.

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No villas, yachts, limousines... Neither a proud look, nor a wall of muscles... Nothing makes a MAN look better than next to him... A SMART WIFE!!!

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A typical married couple: they either brain each other, or mate after reconciliation!

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For a married woman, Little Chekupila and Big Chepozhrat are always welcome at home.

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Marriage, marital and family relations are a system thought out by society for the redistribution of material wealth from husbands to their wives and then to their children.

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Family happiness rests on three elephants:
1. Never tell your husband what your mother told you.
2. Never tell your mother what your husband told you.
3. Never, tell anyone, say anything about what is happening in your home.

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Pre-hysterical times are considered the best period of family life.

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If the woman in the house is happy, then the whole family is happy!

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We live quietly: we've run out of dishes.

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Beauty requires sacrifice. I am Beauty. Husband - Victim!

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You cannot find happiness in marriage unless you bring it with you.

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Family happiness requires love, patience, mutual understanding, two televisions and two computers with the Internet.

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The secret to a happy family life remains a Secret!

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A good family is one in which the husband and wife forget during the day that they are lovers, and at night they forget that they are spouses.

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Children are interested in the question: where does everything come from? Adults - where does it all go?

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Today, in the morning, complete harmony reigns in our family: the baby took “Vrednolin”, mom took “Stervozol”, and dad took “Papazol”. Everyone is happy.

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There is no point in giving a recipe for family happiness. Each family has its OWN SET OF PRODUCTS!

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The family hearth is the place where, day after day, the wife prepares her husband for herself.

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All families are divided into two types: in some, wives decide everything, in others, wives allow their husbands to think that they decide everything.

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In a happy family, the wife thinks that the money comes from the nightstand, the husband thinks that the food comes from the refrigerator, and the children think that it was found in the cabbage.

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THE KEY TO FAMILY HAPPINESS is when the grenade is in the husband’s underpants, and the ring is on the wife’s finger...

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Marital status - Favorite "INVESTIGATION"

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And I love a married man... Married to me...

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The only real happiness in this world is a happy marriage.

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Family happiness happens when the wife does not have time to spend the money her husband earns.

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Happy is he who is happy at home.
L.N. Tolstoy

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As long as the husband hammers enough, the wife does not nag.

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The motto of a happy family: Your dreams are my worries!

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If the family is not filled with children's screams, they are more than compensated for by adults...

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A woman is happy when she sees her husband's smiling eyes and knows that she is the reason for this joy.

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A happy marriage is a marriage in which the husband understands every word that the wife does not say.

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When a conflict situation arises in the family, immediately ask each other a question: “Do you want to be Right or Happy?”

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I could describe my entire family life in two words - sometimes, damn it...

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In family life, the main cog is a bolt.

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For family life to last happily ever after, the man should always have the last word in the dispute, and it’s better if the last word is: “yes, dear.”

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I once knew a lot of jokes and anecdotes about women's headaches, fatigue and how it prevented their husbands from enjoying life. Then I got married, and it turned out that all this was not a joke...

When I was single, I was very afraid of married life... - And now? - Now I’m convinced that I was not afraid in vain...

Before I got married, I had no idea that milk could be put in the refrigerator incorrectly. I’m talking to two friends: “Can you imagine, today it’s only been three days since we registered, and my wife, under threat of leaving, demands that I stop drinking!” - Yes... It will be difficult for you... - Yes... It’s hard... I will miss her very much...

Women's logic: - We seem to live well, but it still seems to me that he got married more successfully than I got married.

Svetka is a fool! - Why? - She married a loser. - Why is he a loser? - Is it really luck to marry a fool?

The wife says to her husband: - Honey, we’ll be there today... Husband: - Oh, dear, I want to eat something first... Wife: - Well, what an animal you are!

Today, finally, you won’t blame me for being a bad cook. -Is it true? What are we having for lunch? - Nothing...

Husband, coming home from work in the evening: - Honey, where is my lunch? - In the cookbook, page 33.

The wife in the kitchen shouts to her husband: - Honey, will you like this dish: “Selected pieces of venison and roe deer with a light pineapple sauce in an amazing clear guinea fowl broth”? - Oooh, Darling! Are you going to cook this now mom? - No, I read the inscription on the can of cat food that I bought for our cat Vaska today.

The husband asks his wife: - Darling, please tell me where the tea is? I can't find him at all. - Oh, how helpless you are! Tea in the medicine cabinet, in a cocoa can with a “salt” sticker!

Tell me, dear, why do you make meatballs of different sizes? - But, my dear, you yourself asked to somehow diversify our diet.

Wife to husband: - This is the second time I’m heating up soup for you. The plate is on the table, go eat. - Yes, let him stand - he won’t be offended. - If you ask for sex, I’ll answer you exactly the same...

On Sunday morning, neither husband nor wife wants to be the first to get up. The husband can't stand it: - Honey, do you want some coffee? - With pleasure! - Then bring me a cup too.

The wife is cooking something in the kitchen, the husband is in the room watching. Suddenly the electricity goes out. Wife from the kitchen: - Honey, what happened? - The traffic jams probably blew out. - So why are you sitting? Run, catch!

Wife to husband: - Honey, throw out the garbage. - Not today. Something broke today. - the husband answers. - Well, then at least eat... - It would always be like this: if you don’t want to take out the trash, then the alternative is to eat! - the husband was delighted. - But the garbage has to go somewhere. - said the wife.

The husband gives his wife a compliment: - Darling, you are as beautiful as these flowers! - And I thought I was as beautiful as a gold bracelet. - No! You are as beautiful as these flowers...

A man complains to a friend: “My wife talks only about rags all day long.” That’s what he says: “You’re a wimp, not a man!”

Put everything in the closet neatly! - How neat is this? - This is when you open the closet and nothing falls out.

The alarm clock finally woke me up. - How? - My wife hit me on the head with it.

A husband and wife are getting ready for work in the morning and are late. The wife turns to her husband: - Dear, make the bed! - What, she ran out of gas?

A married couple boasts to their neighbors: “We have completed a very expensive renovation in the apartment.” And tomorrow they will come to us to install an alarm system. - Alarm system? Are you afraid that your repairs will be stolen?

What time will you be home? - the wife asks her husband. - It's time to remember that on Fridays I come home on Saturday. - the husband answers.

Dear, it seems to me that you love me less and less... - Well, dear, in general, I love you exactly the same as before. It’s just that the density of love per unit of weight gradually decreases...

A man sits in the kitchen with a thoughtful look. The wife asks: - What are you thinking about? - Yes, so about yours... - You should at least once think about mine!

Husband and wife discuss the topic of commercial sex. - Could you give yourself to a stranger for a hundred dollars? - the husband is interested. - What am I to you, a prostitute, or what? - the wife is indignant. - And you wouldn’t give it up for a thousand? - the husband was delighted. - Am I a fool to you, or what? - the wife was indignant again.

An excited woman comes to her family doctor and complains: “Doctor, help, my husband suffers from insomnia and all sorts of horrors seem to him all the time, maybe try to give him some strong sleeping pills?” Without looking up from his notes, the doctor: - Try giving him first...

Husband and wife before going to bed: - Dear, wish me something nice for the night. - Bon appetit, dear!

Tonight, Lucy, you and I will do what we shouldn’t do... - Divide by zero, or what?

The wife says to her husband: - Let's play role-playing games! Husband: - Come on! Wife: - Who do you want to be? Husband: - Goldfish! Wife: - Why? Husband: - It won’t work more than three times...

A husband and wife are lying in bed. Wife: - Darling, take me... - Sleep, dear, we are not going anywhere.

Husband and wife under the blanket: - Honey, why is it so tight? - And I folded it in half!

Wife to husband: - Honey, my tummy is growing. I think I'm pregnant. - Oh, yes! I even know who the father is. - Who? - Bakery plant!

Help! My wife is going into labor! - Please calm down! Is this her first child? - No, stupid, it’s her husband!

In the maternity hospital, a nurse asks a colleague: “Are those four twins who were born today screaming so loudly?” - No! This is their father...

A man comes to the maternity hospital. The doctor told him: - Jump for joy, you have quadruplets! - I would jump, but it wouldn’t do any good: first floor, low...

A man comes to the maternity hospital. A nurse comes out to him: - You have a boy, 3700. He takes out his wallet: - Look! boy and not expensive...

A man comes to the doctor: - What happened? - My wife has a sore throat, what should I do? - Go home at 3 am. - Will it help? - Certainly! This is a fail-safe method, I tested it myself.

Recently, in a conversation with my wife on the topic of money for my “happiness is not in money,” my wife clarified: “Money is not a hindrance to happiness.”

The wife, all in tears, says to her husband: “I’ve been telling you for three whole weeks that you don’t need to give me anything for my birthday, but you still forgot about it!!!”

Why did you give your wife such a beautiful and expensive set? - What do you mean why? Now she won't let me near the sink!

Wife to husband: - Honey, am I fat? - No, you are uniform. - I am fat? - No. - But it wouldn’t hurt to lose weight, right? - I like you just like that. - But I don’t inspire delight, right? - You cause delight. - But not crazy, right?..

A good deed will not be called marriage - says one evil aphorism. Its author, Lev Landau, if right, is only partially right. Of course, in our difficult times, the number of divorces is growing, but I want to believe that everything is not so gloomy. There are still families where happiness flourishes, where respect for family life and marriage is instilled from an early age. In such families, as a rule, love, mutual respect, attentiveness and ... humor reign. Yes, yes, it is precisely this attitude towards family problems - with humor - that can help achieve harmony in the family.

As for aphorisms, there are a great many of them about marriage, and it’s only your choice which ones to listen to and which ones are better to ignore.

Some phrases and quotes about family include educational notes and set you on the right path, and some describe family life in a humorous manner - not always fair, but always fun.

Funny and short quotes about love in pictures

Well, now these same phrases about family life, but in words. Suddenly you want to put some of the quotes into status.

• A happy marriage is a marriage in which the husband understands every word that the wife does not say.
• A family is a group of people who are connected by blood and quarrel over money issues.
• Alimony is atonement for sins with an eighteen-year installment plan.
• A child is the most effective weapon of female terror.
• Marriage is the leading cause of divorce.
• A widow is a woman who no longer finds a single fault in her husband.
• The head of the family is the one who decides what TV program to watch.
• Children are creatures who are not allowed to do what their parents did when they were the same age.
• Parents are such simple devices that even children can operate them.
• A developed child is a child whose questions parents cannot answer.
• The beloved is the ideal man whom they marry in order to make him a completely different person.
• The mother-in-law is the mother of an ideal son who is terribly unlucky with his wife.
• The beloved woman is the one to whom you can cause more suffering.
• The baby is the only thing in the house that has to be washed by hand.
• Happy couple: he does what she wants, and she does what she wants.
• Marriage is a union between a man who cannot sleep with the window closed and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.
• A lover is the second disappointment of a married woman.
• The honeymoon ends when the dog brings the husband's slippers and the wife starts grumbling.
• The ideal wife is a wife who is faithful to you and is as affectionate with you as if she were unfaithful.
• The husband is the master of the house until the wife comes.
• The wife is a creature who complains that she has absolutely nothing to wear and no longer has anywhere to keep her things.
• A husband is a man who always forgets your birthday and never misses a chance to tell you your age.
• Ideal husband: a man who is smart enough to earn money and not smart enough to spend it.
• Marital happiness is the art of being together almost as happy as one could be alone.
• The wedding ring is the first link in the chain.
• The perfect gift for the man who has everything, a woman who knows what to do with it all.
• A teenager is a child who is already able to dress himself if he remembers where he threw his pants.
• Divorce is a step towards relapse.
• A wedding is the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.
• Marriage is the only union from which one can only leave by dissolving the entire organization.