Psychology of what they want as a gift. Our gifts give us away

The role of a gift in the modern world is special. Not fitting into the framework of rational economic behavior based on the principle of mutual benefit, it has become for us a symbol of the manifestation of selfless love or simply friendly disposition. However, this view is quite far from the truth: in reality, the relationship between the donor and the one to whom he presents his gift always presupposes one form or another of reciprocity.

At the beginning of the last century, French ethnologist Marcel Mauss attempted to study the practice of gift exchange in archaic societies. His observations, which compiled the famous “Essay on the Gift” in 1925, are still relevant today: they help to understand the essence of the New Year’s “gift bacchanalia” that forces us to spend long hours purchasing countless souvenirs and languishing in lines at the gift wrapping tables. By analogy with the “kula” (the system of gift exchange in the New Zealand Maori tribe) or the “potlatch” (its equivalent among the North American Indians), when buying gifts for family and friends, we, in fact, enter into a relationship of “voluntary-forced exchange”: we give partly because we want it ourselves, and partly because tradition pushes us to do so. Moss found that each of us has a triple obligation: to give gifts, to accept them (to reject a gift is to severely offend the giver), and to return the gift with a gift, thereby ensuring the stability of the relationship.

About it

• Marcel Moss. Society. Personality. Exchange. Transactions on social anthropology. Oriental literature RAS, 1996.
• Anna Fenko. People and money. Class, 2005.

Reciprocal gesture

A direct prototype of a gift can be called the act of a mother giving food to her child. The baby is not able to offer a gift in return - he can only give her positive emotions, because the very fact of his existence is already a reason for maternal happiness. Consequently, a successful gift must, like its prototype, satisfy the most intimate needs of the one to whom it is intended. “Ideally, a gift is the direct antithesis of natural exchange,” comments psychoanalyst Marina Harutyunyan. – This is a free manifestation of love, affection and attention. However, in the process of developing social and interpersonal relationships, it inevitably acquires various pragmatic functions. An extreme manifestation of this tendency is a bribe: it can also be qualified as a kind of gift that is presented for a specific purpose - to win over to one’s side.”

Even without directly expecting to receive a certain item or service in return for our gift, we unwittingly place the recipient in the position of a debtor. Unconsciously, we hope for some kind of reciprocal gesture on his part. “A gift always contains some kind of message,” explains psychologist Anna Fenko. – Accepting it means accepting the proposed relationship. As an adequate reaction to a gift, not only a reciprocal gift can be considered, but also, for example, a feeling of gratitude or dependence felt by the one who receives this gift. This reaction ultimately increases the self-esteem of the giver.” “Regardless of our conscious intentions, any gift includes two components: emotional and pragmatic,” adds Marina Harutyunyan. – If the first of them is a sincere manifestation of our love, generosity, desire to see the joy of the recipient, the second personifies the desire for power, self-affirmation, or even bribery. Both of these impulses are always present, but their proportions will be very different in different gifts, and their relationship can only be understood in the context of specific relationships.

Soul of a gift

In addition to the pragmatic and emotional, a gift has another function - magical. During the heyday of psychoanalysis, Marcel Mauss made a major discovery: according to the ideas of our ancestors, gifts have a soul. Thus, New Zealand Maori believe that every gift carries “mana” - a piece of the giver’s soul. Despite all their archaic nature, these ideas have not lost their power over us to this day. Any gift, even an insignificant one, connects us with an invisible thread to the one to whom we give it. “A gift is not just an object intended for another. It emphasizes the uniqueness of this person, multiplies the image of the giver, and consolidates the uniqueness of their relationship,” says psychologist and teacher Tatyana Babushkina. Perhaps that is why folk tradition did not allow it to be evaluated - “one does not look a gift horse in the mouth” - and tabooed its further transmission - “one does not give a gift.” Any gift magically takes on a part of the giver’s being and draws him into the fate of another person - his recipient.

• What holiday do you dream about?
• Are you excited about the New Year?
• Do you know how to give gifts?

New Year's truce

“New Year is a family holiday” - we have known this since childhood. It is at this time that we dream of family harmony, warm relationships with relatives. Of course, our mutual conflicts these days do not disappear, but they seem to fade into the background. And here the exchange of New Year’s greetings plays a special role: with its help, we can try to strengthen our ties. New Year's holidays - a time of maximum concentration of gifts - provide us with a chance to tell our loved ones in the most comfortable and caring way about our desires, hopes and preferences related to our relationships. “A gift can serve as a hint,” says Anna Fenko. “For example, opening up the possibility of a new activity for a person: a tennis racket, a fishing rod, a microscope or rollers... The number of semantic nuances that we can express through a presentation is almost unlimited.”

Another feature of the New Year holidays is that we give congratulations and gifts even to those with whom we communicate extremely rarely - sometimes once a year. Why is it so important to congratulate not only loved ones, but also distant ones on the holiday? “The New Year is a great opportunity to “legally” gather around us everyone we want to see,” explains Marina Harutyunyan. – This is a reason to feel that you have a family, loved ones, friends. At least once a year, we can clearly define our social circle: everyone you wish Happy New Year, send cards or electronic greetings to, enters your life, and this circle may include your most distant acquaintances. New Year's greetings are a kind of register of our interpersonal communication: we celebrate those who are dear and important to us, and remind them of ourselves. This is confirmation of one’s own existence in the memory space of other people.”

New Years are the days when the symbolic language of gifts sounds loudest. By listening to our own desires and trying to understand the feelings of others, during this period we get a rare opportunity to express ourselves and at the same time, by doing something nice for our loved ones, to resolve or at least smooth out many of the problems that exist in our lives. How exactly we use this unique chance depends only on ourselves.

"The worst gift of my life..."

Angela, 24 years old“At the institute, I was very worried about my obesity, and for my birthday my best friend gave me... a course of diet pills. In front of everyone, with what she thought was a witty comment. And at that moment I wanted to sink into the ground from shame and resentment.”

Vyacheslav, 38 years old“My mother-in-law once brought me from Greece a calendar with images on ancient vases. These were entirely erotic scenes. I don’t know whether she wanted to hint in this way that I was too busy with work and did not satisfy her daughter as a man, or whether it was a form of female coquetry, but her gift seemed simply boorish to me.”

Ekaterina, 36 years old“For New Year, my now ex-husband gave me a wonderful blue pendant. I was so happy! And then his sister unwrapped her gift. These were the earrings that came with it! I ran away to cry in another room. It seems to me that from that day everything went wrong with him.”

Yulia, 21 years old“My older sister gave me a beautiful silver wallet for my birthday. It seemed great, but two years earlier I gave it to her daughter for her eighth birthday. My sister really hurt me with her actions. It’s a pity that I still can’t tell her about this.”

Oksana, 35 years old“When I was about 10 years old, shortly before the New Year, I got lice. Mom shaved my head herself, and then Santa Claus came and gave me a beautiful package... with very beautiful hair clips. I cried terribly. I still don’t understand how she could do this to me..."

Galina, 43 years old“I was 37 years old and my husband had just left me. I took it very hard and decided to celebrate the New Year with my parents. Usually they gave me something useful, but this time they gave me... an hourglass. “Yes, yes,” my mother told me, “this is so that you don’t forget how quickly time flies.”

Main secret

“A gift says much more about us than many of our actions,” says psychologist and teacher Tatyana Babushkina*. – It comes from the deepest essence of a person, requires from him the redundancy of the soul. And the more there is, the more amazing the gift itself. Its main secret is not that the soul of a gift is related to two human souls at once - the giver and the one to whom the gift is intended. And it’s not even that the process of giving sometimes brings greater joy than receiving it. Its main secret is that a true gift is not invented, but happens, it enters the soul of the giver as inspiration, without any reason. And its true meaning sometimes comes to us after many years.”

• Tatiana Babushkina. What is kept in the pockets of childhood. First of September, 2005.

Exchanging gifts can show what people think of others, what they value and love, and how they build and maintain relationships. Researchers are studying various aspects of gifts, such as how givers choose gifts, how gifts are used by recipients, and how gifts can affect the relationship between givers and recipients.

The symposium, “The Psychology of Gift Giving and Receiving,” will be held as part of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology Annual Convention in Long Beach, California.

Problems of "picky" recipients

According to a recent survey, people are becoming increasingly selective about what they would like to receive as a gift. Researchers Andong Cheng, Meg Malou, and Evan Polman surveyed 7,466 Christmas sales shoppers in 2013. They found that 39% of the items surveyed shoppers purchased were for people they considered "picky." While most of us may go shopping for gifts for picky friends, we know very little about how people handle the task of finding gifts for the picky user.

Cheng and her colleagues confirmed that shoppers are less motivated and are likely to use effort-reducing strategies when choosing gifts for people they perceive may be picky. Gift givers lately are opting for gift cards, or forgoing a gift for a picky recipient altogether.

According to research, there are positive aspects to being picky: If you have specific desires, you're more likely to get the gift you want. Less picky people have a higher chance of receiving items they don't want, while picky recipients are more likely to get what they want.

Perception of gift cards

Choosing a gift can be very difficult, and if you give money, such a gift will be considered impersonal. Chelsea Helion and Thomas Gilovich study how people perceive and spend gift cards.

Lead researcher Chelsea Helion explains: “While gift cards can technically be used to buy everyday things like textbooks or paper towels, we're more likely to think of it as card abuse. When paying with a gift card, people give up buying household items in favor of buying some nice little things.”

A study by Helion and her colleagues found that when people receive a card as a gift, they are more likely to plan to use it to buy luxury items that are intended to be a pleasure, compared to using credit cards or cash for purchases. When people receive a gift card instead of cash, they feel empowered to buy something different.

According to Helion, recipients use gift cards to "gift" themselves items they wouldn't normally buy. “We think this is because people feel less guilt when paying with a gift card compared to credit cards or cash,” says Helion.

Personalized gifts: good or bad?

Givers tend to choose gifts that are personalized to the recipient but less generic than what the recipient would like to receive, according to new research by Mary Steffel, Elanor Williams and Robin LeBoeuf.

This discrepancy occurs because givers tend to focus on the stable traits of recipients rather than their spontaneous and actual wants and needs. "Givers tend to focus on what the recipients are like instead of what they would like as a gift. This can lead them to buy gifts that are personalized but not very versatile," says lead researcher Mary Steffel.

The tendency to choose gifts that are too specific can result in the gift going unused and just collecting dust on a shelf. "Recipients take longer to think about how to spend gift cards that can only be used at a specific store or that include multiple options for how they should be used than gift cards that can be used anywhere. Givers are unaware of this and prefer handing out specific cards,” Steffel said.

Material gifts or adventures?

People often have agonizing problems choosing a gift for their friends, leading to a plethora of wish lists, top 10 gift lists, and online gift recommendations that are aimed at improving your relationship with the gift recipient. Researchers Cindy Chan and Cassie Mogilner offer a simple, handy guide: "To make your friend, spouse, or family member feel closer to you, give them an experience," Chan says.

Experiments examining real and hypothetical real-life gift exchanges show that gifted experiences can improve relationships much more than material gifts, regardless of whether the gift is used together or not.

According to a study by Chan and Mogilner, improved relationships with recipients of experiential gifts are a consequence of the emotions experienced while using the gift, not while receiving it. Gift experiences are thus a very effective form of investment in interpersonal relationships, and can have a greater impact on improving the relationship between the giver and recipient.

Literature:

• "Picking Gifts for Picky People: Strategies and Outcomes" Andong Cheng, Meg Meloy, Evan Polman
• "Giver-Recipient Discrepancies Contribute to Gift Card Non-Redemption" Mary Steffel, Elanor F. Williams, Robyn A. LeBoeuf
• "Mental Accounting and Gift Card Spending" Chelsea Helion, Thomas D. Gilovich
• "Experiential Gifts Foster Stronger Relationships Than Material Gifts" Cindy Chan, Cassie Mogilner

The tradition of giving gifts is as old as the world: it was known long before the advent of such holidays as birthdays, New Years, and March 8th. The system of gift exchange often developed into sacred cults, when a representative of one tribe presented a gift to a person from another tribe.

Thus, in the New Zealand Maori tribes there was a tradition of exchanging a “kula” (the so-called “gift” to another), and the North American Indians preferred to exchange a “potlatch”, a gift that would help receive the blessing of the spirits.

Today, the ancient tradition has changed little: we still love to give and receive gifts. We do this with great pleasure, but we are not always aware of why this tradition is so firmly rooted in our daily lives.

The nature of tradition from the point of view of psychology

Experts suggest that the tradition has a direct relationship with the process of a mother “giving” her milk to her baby. At the same time, the child himself, due to his age, is not able to respond to this gift: he only helps his mother receive pleasant emotions, which in itself is a great gift for her.

Thus, the “principle” of an ideal gift emerges: it must correspond to this prototype. According to psychoanalysts, a gift should become a sign of attention and positive feelings, a manifestation of friendship, love and a pleasant relationship between the giver and the one who accepts the gift.

The problem of the “modern” gift

Unfortunately, while interpersonal and social relationships have evolved throughout human history, the tradition of gifts has gradually acquired a pragmatic side.

A gift is “pragmatic” if it implies mutual benefit or a specific goal (for example, to attract the person accepting the gift to his personal interests, to win over to his side, etc.).

Even if you give a gift to another person without any secret intention, you usually do not notice how, at the level of your subconscious, you expect a certain response from him. Perhaps in this way you want to emphasize the importance of this person for your life, or you would simply like to establish a certain relationship with him (partnership, friendship, love, etc.).

At the same time, when choosing a gift for another person, we often plan to receive from him a gift that is equivalent to yours. For example, if you gave your friend a collectible vase made of expensive porcelain, then you are unlikely to be pleased to receive a less expensive gift from him.

This is the problem for all donors. Prudence is precisely the trait that prevents our gift from becoming truly sincere, from returning to its natural prototype, when the gift is presented without any intention.

Does a good gift improve self-esteem?

There are always people among us who treat the tradition of gifts with special trepidation. If one person does not even think about the idea of ​​​​a gift and buys it at random on the eve of the holiday, then another person certainly attaches special importance to this tradition and selects a gift with special care and diligence.

Who is this wonderful person who loves to give gifts and do nice things for others?

Psychologists suggest that a reverent attitude towards choosing a gift is often not caused by deep feelings and selfless intentions, as it might seem at first glance. It turns out that in most cases we choose a gift so carefully not in order to please another, but in order to please ourselves.

When we give a good gift, we “automatically” increase our own self-esteem. Thus, a carefully thought out gift can have a selfish purpose.

Three popular myths about gifts

Of course, each donor himself determines the criteria for choosing a gift for each specific person. Moreover, the choice of a gift is often determined by the etiquette of social relations between the giver and the recipient.

Asking the question “what should the ideal gift be?”, we ourselves understand that, first of all, it must be sincere. But the pragmatic component will almost always (to a greater or lesser extent) be present in any gift. Our task is to reduce the pragmatic component as much as possible.

American scientists from Stanford University conducted an experiment to evaluate people's reactions to receiving different types of gifts. This allowed us to dispel several popular myths:

First myth: The cost of the gift matters.

The results of the study showed that the pleasure of a gift has nothing to do with its high cost. If a person is not interested in the gift itself, if it does not satisfy his personal interests and tastes, then the recipient will not pay attention to the high price. It is not the price that is important, but the emotions that a gift will evoke in a person.

Second myth: the size of the gift does not matter.

Here the situation was completely different. As the experiment showed, the reaction to large gifts in most cases was more emotional and positive.

Thus, a large plush bunny evoked more emotions in the recipient than a small box with a diamond ring. Even if the gift itself did not exactly suit the recipient's tastes, the first reaction to its size was almost always very positive.

Psychologists believe that love for large gifts “comes from childhood” and is associated with a purely “childish” perception of gifts. The principle applies here: the larger the gift, the more fun and pleasant it is to receive it. This feeling is typical not only for children, but also for adults. If you want to please your loved one, give him a big gift.

Third myth: the content is important, but not the form of the gift.

This is not entirely true. On the one hand, the content of the gift is more important than the form. On the other hand, the experiment demonstrated that a beautifully presented gift always evoked more positive emotions in recipients than items carelessly given in ordinary bags or without packaging.

Many of us save on decorating gifts, considering this activity pointless: after all, the packaging will be immediately thrown away and no one will need it.

However, scientists have come to the conclusion that gift design plays one of the most important roles in this tradition. Making a gift is a form of expression of the feelings of the giver. Are you sure that your feelings should be like the gray bag you received for free at your local supermarket?

The perfect gift for a science experiment

After conducting the experiment, scientists established two principles for the “ideal” gift:

• The gift must be financially tangible. Recently, the idea of ​​giving certificates with the service of “free” purchase of something (cosmetics, books, souvenirs, even food) has firmly penetrated into the tradition of gifts. Of course, there is a certain benefit from a gift certificate: a person will be able to independently choose what he needs. However, this type of gift is not material or tangible. A certificate does not always evoke such positive emotions as a ready-made gift. Therefore, you should give preference to “live” gifts.
• The gift must be addressed. There are universal types of gifts that can appeal to all recipients without exception: a dessert in a beautiful box, a set of collectible souvenirs, a book, etc. But scientists have found that such gifts are “faceless.” It is important to adhere to “targeting”: when choosing a gift, take into account the personal interests and preferences of the future recipient. It is doubly pleasant to receive a gift that will remind a person of his own interests and tastes, emphasize his individuality, and remind him of the pleasant moments of life.

If you do not pursue a specific goal, but want to please a person with all your heart, adhere to the proposed principles.

However, if choosing a gift causes you real stress and you often panic when the holidays approach, consult online directly on our website.

The New Year is approaching, which means it’s time to give gifts. Many people on the eve of the holiday experience constant anxiety about what to give. Deep down, we are afraid of giving a bad gift, because it's not so much about the gift itself, but about the reaction it will cause. There are people who will be happy about any little thing according to the principle “it’s not the gift that’s important, but the attention.” There are those who will be unhappy in any case. A real gift is when the giver thought about you and chose something that will bring pleasure to you. So, what makes sense to take into account, from a psychological point of view, in order to make a successful gift.

1. Psychotype. If you didn’t know, then we are all divided into 3 psychotypes according to the way we perceive information. What type of person is in front of you can be understood by watching how a person gets used to a new subject or by listening to which words are heard most often in his speech. "Visual" perceives information with the eyes, uses words like “see, beautiful, colorful” and first carefully studies the subject. It is better to give him interior items and simply beautiful things. "Audial" perceives information better by ear and asks to talk about the subject, uses the words “hear, loud, melodious.” You can give him tickets to a concert or a new audiobook. "Kinesthetics" perceive the world through sensations. They immediately begin to twirl the object in their hands and feel it. In speech they rely on descriptions of sensations: “I feel, warm, soft.” For them, the best gifts are pleasant to the touch or smell.

2. Temperament. Cholerics- these are temperamental, impulsive and often unbalanced people. Non-standard gifts, perhaps in bright colors or with sound effects, will suit them. Sanguines- people are active and sociable. They will appreciate exclusive handmade items and gifts, as well as certificates for active entertainment (playing mafia or flying in a wind tunnel). Phlegmatic people– calm and conservative, they value, first of all, practicality in gifts: high-quality clothing, household appliances, interior items. For melancholic, sensitive, reserved and often touchy people, necessary and useful things are also suitable, but they should be more personal: a rare book, a leather wallet, tickets to a chamber concert.

3. Settings. The same thing, depending on a person’s internal mood, can be perceived differently: a new multicooker can be enthusiastically received by a lover of cooking and greatly offend a woman who has been married for a long time, as it will be perceived as a desire to cook more and better. Someone who likes to take care of themselves will happily receive a new cologne, but a work colleague may perceive such a gift as a hint of a bad smell. If there are superstitious people among your friends, be sure to take this into account and do not give certain objects so as not to unsettle them for a long time (for example, it is believed that giving sharp objects means conflict, and yellow flowers mean separation).

The ability to choose and give gifts is a very valuable human quality. Guessing secret desires and finding a truly interesting and useful thing is difficult. Intuition and the ability to listen to yourself are your best helpers in choosing a gift.