Why do men like to pamper capricious and demanding women, rather than worthy women?! My husband doesn’t spoil me, but he did spoil his exes. Spoiled means he’s kind.

For what? Need to. If a woman wants to be spoiled by a man, then let her get used to pampering him. Not from time to time, not on holidays, but just like that. Every day. It will become a habit and become a lifestyle. And this is not a joke, but quite serious advice.

And this is not because men are big children (after all, the same can be said about women). In addition, some people don’t really know how to pamper children. And psychologists-theorists and spouses-practitioners have long known - pampering means expressing your love.

The language of love is “money” and “gifts”.

And let's not pretend that money doesn't play a special role in your high relationships. Even if they don’t play, that’s for now. And then they’ll play, oh, how they’ll play. And this is not the least bit embarrassing. But only if you are not interested in money in itself, but as a means to please your loved one. Children and women do not doubt love when they are They spare no expense. Men, in general, too. So happy is the couple or family in which gifts are given for no reason. Or for such a compelling reason as: “I just wanted to please.” If you have been pampering your other half all year, then on holiday you don’t have to stress and don’t run around for an obligatory gift like new eau de toilette. He will understand.

Those who believe that love should be demanding are sorely mistaken. That severity towards a loved one (child or spouse) will teach him not to relax and be prepared for anything. “I won’t indulge so that life doesn’t seem like honey.” Horror! You think so? So know that if necessary, life itself teaches a person to be prepared for anything. This is tension that develops into stress. But the one whoever knows how to relax well does everything else well. Life itself continues to spoil the spoiled. The spoiled one is kind and open to joy, and, what is important, he knows how to give it. The main thing is to get rid of the stereotype. To understand that to pamper means to care, it means to be tender and reverent, it means to make it clear - “I appreciate, love, respect.” And if it doesn’t work out, ask yourself the question: “If not me, then who?” Friends, employees, and relatives are not inclined to indulge your man’s weaknesses. And somewhere he must count on... everything!

Don't make a sacrifice. It's hard to digest.

When I advise women in private conversations to pamper their men, I often hear: “Don’t I do enough for him? I cook, wash, clean. Everything for him! So: this is all wrong! If, while doing “everything,” you think about it all the time, and even no, no, and remind him, this is no longer so much a good attitude as “duty of service” and SACRIFICE. And who needs a victim? NOTHING. It is impossible to accept her. Any victim automatically begs for the reaction: “Did I ask you?” Anyway you find yourself in a dead end from which there is no way out. The more you sacrifice (rather than just live and do things), the more guilt you burden your man with. Even if you are silent, but you think: “I am everything to him, but he, so-and-so, doesn’t appreciate it.” And the shortest path to a dead end is reproaches, which have never made it easier for anyone, and which always make it harder for everyone.

Pamper it...

- Go for bread yourself, even if you are tired too. This is getting up and going to fry meat, even if you are tired, but he is not, but still wants meat. This is to repeat to him: “What would I do without you?” often, especially if he fixed the tap after only three months of persuasion and puddles. This means leaving him the biggest and most beautiful piece of cake (children will understand and eat the rest). This is not to criticize on the one hand, and not to babysit on the other. This is to remember his preferences and take into account his dislikes. This, this, this... And this is not service, and not obligation, not a public demonstration of submission, and not enslavement. This is Love. Such ordinary, homely, important love that everyone needs.

There is some kind of secret here, but only if you do all this disinterestedly, that is, for nothing, that is, without second thoughts and hopes for diamond rings, only then do they (men) respond with mutual pampering. This means that they sometimes go out and buy bread themselves. They say: “lie down, relax,” and go with the children to the carousel. On the way home they buy strawberries, which have just begun and are still expensive, but which you love. They say, “okay, take it,” about that sheepskin coat, which is more expensive, and the same thing about boots. They make it clear to the children that the ripest peach should be left for mom; and again, and again, and again...

Speaking of children. If in a family parents pamper each other, which means they treat each other well not only with sprays, but also take care of each other, then, as they grow up, these children introduce the same system in their families. True, such children in our country are still in an overwhelmingly optimistic minority. But from someone this family tradition we need to start. Maybe from you?

In consultations, women often ask me, how many rights should a man be given in a relationship? That is, how much time can he spend on weekends fishing with friends, drinking somewhere alone or again with friends, not doing any household chores, not giving flowers to a woman, not helping with children, not giving salary to his wife, etc. .?

And if this is the question, then I almost always answer that: “A man has no rights, he only has responsibilities. A woman has all the rights.”

I always don't even understand this question when asked. Has your man earned enough to provide the necessary or even minimum standard of living? (Apartment, vacation, clothes, children, etc.) Let’s say he provided.
Has he already completed enough household chores (about half if the woman works)?
Did he take his woman to the cinema, go somewhere on vacation with her and arrange some kind of romance?
Does he devote enough time to raising children, if he has any?
If a girl gives him time to meet with friends, doesn’t it turn into drinking until the morning in the presence of girls of easy virtue or something like that?

If a man fulfills all his duties as a man, then he should probably have some rights.
And if not, then he has no rights.

A man is not a deity at all. The average man in our time is a rather lazy person who, without external coercion, does not perform the simplest duties at work, at home, and according to his minimal development and training. So what are his rights?

All this talk about men's rights, it seems to me, comes from relatively recent times (a little over 100 years ago), when more than 90% of the population lived in villages.
What was a man like then?
First, almost every man was at least half an entrepreneur in modern terms.
He planned his activities himself, he was responsible for planting or sowing something in the ground, and not eating the seed. Every day it was necessary to feed the cattle so that they would not die. Every day it was necessary to do monotonous work, etc. It was necessary to sell and somehow exchange the harvest for money, etc.
Secondly, almost every man was at least a minimal leader.
Almost all families had large children, and children from the age of 5 began to help work on some simple jobs. And it was necessary to organize this work. Taking into account the fact that they got married early, already at the age of 23-25 ​​the man was the leader of a small team of his wife and children.
Thirdly, the man himself always performed the most complex or difficult tasks.
Until recently, by historical standards, work was physically difficult. And the hardest work was always done by a man, since a woman simply could not cope. And such hard work was not a couple of hours a day, but from dawn to dusk, seven days a week.

Yes, such a man deserved to be fed first when, for example, he returned from mowing, where he worked from dawn to dusk. To be given rest, appeased and treated like a deity, as the main breadwinner and breadwinner.
Yes, without such a man in the house, the family immediately became on the brink of poverty if relatives did not help it. Such a man is a breadwinner, a savior, a wall, etc.

Don’t think that I have any too idealistic ideas about the men of the past, but life forced most of them to develop masculine qualities, responsibility, leadership, at least within certain limits.

Is there something similar now?

Of course have. There are men who are raised from childhood to be responsible, leaders, who are not lazy in fulfilling their duties, studying, etc. But there are much fewer of them. Life has become different and does not require a man to develop masculine qualities.
80% of jobs today require neither leadership, nor the ability to do hard work, nor manage at least 3-4 people, nor plan your work a year in advance.

Therefore, if we move closer to the topic, a man is not a deity, but an ordinary person, often many times worse in quality than a woman.

Often much lazier than his woman, irresponsible, with a lack of leadership qualities, unwilling to learn basic skills at work beyond the minimum, receiving an average income slightly higher than a woman only because we still have a man’s world, where women’s professions are paid worse .

And what special rights might such a person have?

Yes, I repeat, none. What has your man already done that is necessary in order to establish relationships at least at a good level, earn money, raise children, etc., which I wrote about above?
I'm sure, with very few exceptions, no. Then go ahead. The sun is still high. Professional growth, learning to communicate, developing responsibility skills, the ability to communicate with your woman, raise children, etc. – this takes a huge amount of time, even at a satisfactory level. Let him do it.

Does your man already meet all the requirements? I'm happy for you, you are truly lucky.

If not, then I repeat, a woman has all the rights, and a man has only one responsibility :)).

Okay, let's get back to real life. There the picture is upside down. Those men who are responsible, do a lot for their education (I do not mean formal education here), earning money, household duties, etc., practically do not require any privileges for themselves. Any woman understands that a man is not a robot and she will definitely give him a rest and will be happy to give him his license. (Or if he is a leader, then he will take as much as necessary)

So who is demanding rights?
And the rights are demanded by the man who does very little or nothing at all. He is used to relaxing and demands even greater rights to relax. The options are different, maybe a man is used to lying on the couch all day and watching TV, maybe playing computer games, maybe going fishing with friends, drinking a good amount of alcohol, etc.
And at some point it begins to seem to him that he is not doing enough of these “useful things.”

What to do?
He chose a job where he is not too stressed and it is impossible to work less, otherwise he will be kicked out.
There is only one option. Demand even more rights from your girlfriend or family. That is, the man did practically nothing anyway, but demands that he do nothing at all, and even the woman helps him organize his time. For example, she allocated money from her salary for a new fishing rod and vodka or for a new gaming computer, since the old one could not handle new games.

Of course, I went a little overboard somewhere. But the essence is the same. A man who demands rights, in 99% of cases, has not earned them through his actions. Therefore, he is not entitled to any rights. I recommend reading about how to get such a sloth off the couch in the book by Anastasia Gai.

What does he need?
I repeat, men are too soft on themselves. Instead of sports, they sit on the couch, chew bread rolls, and drink beer. They don’t help a woman, they don’t know how to listen to her, and they don’t even try. They don’t study, they don’t work until they get tired, etc. (If on the contrary, then this man is by definition successful, happy, and his wife is happy and will not read such articles)

Therefore, a woman’s task is to make a man aware of his laziness, lack of skills in various areas of life, inability to organize his work, negative thinking, blaming his failures on his woman and everyone else, etc.
Until he realized and began to change, demand from him to the maximum the fulfillment of the duties that he must do.

Let's summarize the preliminary results.

If we take a little break from real life and ask the question of how many rights a woman should give a man, then in my deep conviction, not at all. (We have considered exceptions)
Almost every man needs some kind of analogue of the army (in the best sense of the word, of course), where, under the guidance of a commander, he would exercise in a disciplined manner, eat relatively healthy, and spend the rest of the time on a schedule studying, working, household duties, and children.

And now from theory to practice.
The first part is relatively simple. The overwhelming majority of men, in principle, are not against a woman demanding that they perform certain duties, work, study, treat themselves with respect, etc. Read about why and how to demand respect for yourself in the article.
A man is often in some kind of unstable balance. It seems like he wants to go to training and wants to take a walk. I want to go study something and I want to watch TV. I want to help my wife and I want to lie on the couch. I want not to be rude to my wife, but on the other side cave rudeness creeps in.
And here, only a tiny influence leads to the fact that a man does one way or another.
For example, a man is training (any behavior is just an example). And now he is already half-tuned, no longer doing anything, walking around the sports bag. And he may even tell his girlfriend/wife that he is too lazy to go to training today. And if the girl says, well, be lazy and don’t go, then he won’t go. If she says something like “You definitely need to go, then it will be more difficult,” then he will go.
That is, a tiny impact is the result.
It's the same with household chores, for example. A man is lying on the sofa, and his girlfriend/wife is doing something. His conscience torments him a little and on the other hand the sofa is so soft. Say to the girl: “Help me” and he calmly goes to help. Keep silent or say: “Relax on the sofa, you deserve it” (When you have managed to deserve it), then he will lie down and continue to lie down.
And if he deservedly lay on the couch once, for the second, third, year, then after some time this will turn into habitual behavior.

The rule is this. Take advantage of a man's unstable behavior to turn him in a direction that suits your interests. (This is not where a man needs to be lazy, work less, not study, etc.)
Just a little push, a second impact and the man stopped being rude for the next six months, began helping for several months on his own initiative, went to the gym for several months in a row.
The opposite rule is also true. Momentary pampering, when you want to “pamper” a man when his behavior is in an unstable state, leads to the fact that negative behavior is reinforced. I have already written about this in detail in my book “19 Mistakes with Men. How to make him respect and love you."
Here he was lying on the sofa and even got up to help wash the dishes (apologize for being rude, etc.). And you tell him: “No need, I’ll wash it myself” or “Don’t apologize, it’s my own fault.”
And so he rolled along a negative curve.

And second. What to do if a man’s behavior has already become ingrained and cannot be changed by just a second? What if the habit is already ingrained?
What if you can’t even get him off the couch with a broom? What if the gym is a fantasy? What if rudeness is a permanent behavior? What if he doesn't want to work?
If a man does not perceive you at all, does not respond to your comments, etc. (not when you quarreled, but in principle), then, most likely, you no longer have a relationship and there is no point in doing anything.
If a man reacts to your comments, but the negative habits have gone deep and he simply cannot cope with them (he doesn’t want to, doesn’t believe that he can), then you can put up with some kind of habit, but at least you don’t need to encourage it.
Here you just need to act gradually. Today I stopped arguing for no reason, tomorrow I started calling if I’m late, the day after tomorrow I’ll wash the dishes myself and after a while he’s already a different person, although everything may not be as great as you dreamed. Read about how to manage a man in the book “12 Secrets of Managing a Man. Or How to Tame the Shrew."
Changing a habit that is very deeply rooted in a man (gambling addiction, for example) is still not the topic of this article. Everything there is complicated, it takes a long time, and it is not always possible to achieve a sustainable result.

Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.

Happy is the couple in which gifts are made regularly and easily, or for such a good reason as “I wanted to please you.”

Pampering is what it means to express your love.

The child must be pampered so that he does not doubt the love of his parents. A woman needs to be complimented - she needs attention. We hear about these two types of “needs” from all information channels. But what about men? Nobody talks about them. They need warmth and affection no less than women and children. It's important to pamper them.

Why and how?

I think that you need to pamper your men. Not in response to signs of attention, not for good behavior, not according to the principle of mutual offset “you give me - I give you.” Not from time to time, on holidays. For no reason, every day.

It will become a habit, become a lifestyle and the basis of a relationship in which people do not test each other’s strength, but tenderly support each other.What is pampering?

This:

• ...go for bread yourself, even if you are also tired;
• ... get up and go fry meat if you are tired, but he is not, but wants meat;
• ...repeat to him: “What would I do without you?” often, especially if you fixed the faucet after three months of persuasion;
• ... leave him the largest piece of cake (the children will understand and eat the rest);
• ...do not criticize or babysit;
• ...remember his preferences and take into account his dislikes.

And much more. This is not service, not obligation, not a public demonstration of submission, not enslavement. This is Love. Such ordinary, homely love that everyone needs. The main thing is to do all this “free of charge, that is, for nothing”: without second thoughts and hopes for reciprocal dedication.

Only in this case do men respond with mutual pampering.

• This means that they:
• ...they say: “Lie down, rest”;
• ...on the way home they buy strawberries, which are still expensive, but which you love so much;
• ...they say: “Okay, take it,” about the sheepskin coat, which is more expensive;
• ...they let the children know that the ripest peach should be left for mom.

And one more thing... Speaking of children.

If parents spoiled not only their children, but also each other, then, as they grew up, they introduced this system in their families. True, they are still in the minority, but this family tradition must start with someone.

Maybe from you?

DO NOT MAKE A SACRIFICE. IT IS HARD TO DIGEST

When I advise women to pamper men, I often hear: “Don’t I do enough for him? I cook, wash, clean. Everything for him! So, this is not all that. If, while doing everything, you constantly think about it, and also remind him no, no, and even remind him, this is no longer so much a good attitude as a duty of service and a sacrifice. And who needs a victim? No one. It is impossible to accept her. The shortest path to a dead end is reproaches, which only make it harder for everyone. Any victim automatically begs for either the instinctive: “Did I ask you?” or: “What did you think when you got married?” Either way, you end up at a dead end. The more you sacrifice, the more guilt you burden the man with. Even if you are silent, but you think: “I am everything to him, but he, so-and-so, doesn’t appreciate it.” The shortest path to a dead end is reproaches, which only make it harder.

SPOILED MEANS KIND

Contrary to popular belief, love should and cannot be demanding. Although many still think that being harsh towards a loved one (child or partner) will teach him not to relax and be ready for anything: “Let’s not indulge, so that life doesn’t seem like honey.” And now it already seems like a battlefield!

In our mentality there is an eternal readiness for trouble, for the worst, looming in the background “if there is war tomorrow.” Hence the tension, which develops into stress, anxieties, fears, neuroses, illnesses... It’s time to at least start coping with this. It's time to stop being afraid of spoiling. A person who is cared for and pampered at home continues to be pampered by life itself. Because there is also an inverse relationship.

A person who is cared for and pampered at home continues to be pampered by life itself!

One who is spoiled and caressed is not bitter or aggressive. He does not suspect an enemy or ill-wisher in everyone he meets; he is kind, open to communication and joy, and he himself knows how to give it.

A spoiled man or child has somewhere to draw love, kindness, and good mood. And it’s completely natural that he knows how to pamper his wife and children, arrange surprises for friends, and support his colleagues.

Some have an innate talent - to bring love and celebration to the house, others learned this in childhood - they do not know that it can be different. But not everyone in the family was spoiled. And if a man is stingy with signs of attention, care, tenderness, then perhaps he was not taught to give them. And this means that a loving woman takes upon herself this care, without falling into cooing and without playing the role of mommy.

To do this, she needs to get rid of the stereotype “if you spoil him, he will sit on his neck” and understand that pampering means admiring, showing interest in his affairs, feelings, caring, responding. Launch this care algorithm.

And if it doesn’t work out, ask yourself the question: “If not me, then who?” Friends, employees, even relatives are not inclined to indulge a man’s weaknesses. And try again. It is necessary to pamper a man at home not because he is a big child, but because we are all adults and there is not much to worry about who wants to take care of us. And psychologists and partners leading a happy family life have long known:

pampering means expressing your love.

I am sure that life itself teaches a person to be prepared for anything. The ability to pull yourself together at the right time instead of constantly holding yourself together is a separate useful skill. As well as the ability to relax.

LOVE LANGUAGE – MONEY AND GIFTS When I tell a woman about this at a reception, it often becomes a revelation for her. It turns out that she doesn’t know where to start pampering. And I say: give gifts!

Spend money! Let's not pretend that money doesn't play a role in your relationship. Even if they don’t play, that’s for now. And then they start playing, and it’s not a shame. But only if you are not interested in money in itself, but as a means to please your loved one. Children and women do not doubt love when no money is spared on them. Men too.

So happy is the couple in which gifts are made regularly and easily, or for such a good reason as “I wanted to please you.” If you have been pampering your partner all year, then on a holiday, be it a birthday or Defender of the Fatherland Day, you don’t have to strain yourself and don’t run around for an obligatory gift like new eau de toilette. He will understand.

Good afternoon Please help me understand and calm down....
I am 23, my husband is 25.
We have been married for only six months, before that we dated for 9 months, but we have known each other for many years, I witnessed my husband’s two previous relationships, I saw how he communicated with girls, how he cared for them. He loved them both very much (according to him), especially the very first . This was his first love. But both girls left him themselves, and he suffered and worried a lot. I don’t know the clear reasons why they left him. And now he says that in previous relationships he felt bad, but with me he felt good. Although, again, according to him, he was going to marry each of them, but he didn’t have time, since they left him.
And the problem is that I saw how beautifully he looked after them, what flowers and gifts he gave them, how passionate he was about them. And I honestly admit, when we started dating, I also thought that he would treat me the same way. I was waiting for this. Of course, the expectation of flowers and gifts did not play a major role in my desire to be with him, I just never had such a man’s attitude towards me, my first young man almost never gave me flowers or anything more, but I always really liked this I wanted to. But the husband did not live with any of them, they did not have a common life.
And in reality, my husband doesn’t give me anything, doesn’t spoil me, doesn’t give me surprises. Although for his exes that was all. And if I didn’t know this, I would live more calmly. And so constantly thinking that he loved them, but I didn’t, that they were worthy, but I wasn’t, that I was worse. Because of this, my self-esteem has dropped greatly and in general all these thoughts poison my life. I’m offended by him... although I understand that apparently I myself was deceived.
Before we got married, he could still give a bouquet just like that, but now he doesn’t.
Moreover, I know very well that men do not understand hints. That's why I talked to him openly about it...4-5 times exactly.
First he tells me that he will improve, that he doesn’t know why he behaves this way, then he began to say that that relationship was first love, stupidity and youth (I partly agree with him, my first love was also somewhat different, not like now , but I still have the desire to please a person). Now he says that it’s not his fault, that he’s not a romantic, and that giving flowers and gifts is going against himself.
I understand that men really can be unromantic and incapable of action. My ex was like that and I almost resigned myself to it, I just reassured myself that he had such a character. But I know that my husband would be like this, just not with me. And this makes life very difficult. Self-esteem is zero because of this.
When he gives flowers for the holidays, I am sooooo happy, I don’t just throw them away until the last minute.
I buy him all sorts of little things not for the holidays, clothes, accessories. For the year of our relationship, I gave him a player, but he didn’t mind me, although he still invited me to the restaurant, but without flowers.
In all other respects, he is an ideal husband, he is a good, kind person, he helps around the house, does not drink, and is never rude.
And I’m not at all materialistic, I just see what beautiful bouquets their husbands give to their girlfriends, what gifts. And I always, always wanted this so much, because it’s so nice to receive a flower just like that! He gave his ex 101 roses, but he won’t even bring me 1. But I’m not hinting, I’m asking in plain text. But still nothing....why is that so?? Am I unworthy?
I read advice on the Internet... buy yourself a bouquet and your husband will understand everything. I bought it, nothing has changed.
Making him jealous is also very problematic, I almost always work at home, and so does he.
Please help me calm down about this. I love my husband, I don’t plan to leave him, but these thoughts greatly poison my life.
Thank you!

Hello, Evgenia! let's look at what's going on:

my husband doesn’t give me anything, doesn’t spoil me, doesn’t give me surprises. Although for his exes that was all. And if I didn’t know this, I would live more calmly. And so constantly thinking that he loved them, but I didn’t, that they were worthy, but I wasn’t, that I was worse.

there is no need to compare his attitude towards YOU - with his relationship towards his ex - he was then only a teenager who is mastering himself, learning to build relationships, first love is always more euphoric. Perhaps he also got it in his head - that the one he is actively courting is leaving him! And he knows that he loves you and is afraid of losing you. He has grown up, his priorities and values ​​have changed - it is more important for him to be with you than just to give flowers. And giving flowers is not a guarantee that HE really loves!

AND HE WILL NOT be able to raise YOUR self-esteem - if YOU begin to beat yourself up like that and compare yourself with your exes! THIS flow of thoughts MUST be stopped before you destroy WHAT is now between you! It is YOU who are driving yourself into this abyss with your thoughts and comparisons - you need to work with it yourself! work on your thoughts, stop thinking for him, learn to live WITH HIM, and not with your thoughts, learn to control your thoughts and change your attitude towards yourself!

In all other respects, he is an ideal husband, he is a good, kind person, he helps around the house, does not drink, and is never rude.

you need to see WHAT IS, and appreciate it too - and not WHAT you invent!

I love my husband, I don’t plan to leave him, but these thoughts greatly poison my life.

This means you need to work ON your thoughts, change your attitude towards yourself! control your thoughts, love yourself, respect, and show this to your husband!

Evgeniya, if you decide to figure out what’s going on, feel free to contact me - call me - I’ll be glad to help you!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

Hello, Evgenia! You write that you used to give flowers and were abandoned; perhaps it’s gotten into your head that giving flowers is a waste. I sympathize with you very much. I would like to suggest that you try to come to an agreement with your husband. First, stop comparing your relationship to past experiences. He was there and you can’t get him anywhere. Most likely he now believes that he was young and stupid then. And now everything is real with him, everything is serious and happy. You are the woman who accepted and fell in love with him, and the fact that he wanted to propose, but didn’t... doesn’t mean anything. Now he is next to you, he is your husband! So, about negotiating... How do you feel about asking your husband to give you flowers, say, on a specific day? For example, every 21st of every month? You know, it seems to me that it’s not the flowers that torment you, or rather not their absence, but that he used to do this, but now, with you, he doesn’t. And when he starts doing this, you will understand that you don’t want flowers. You want to make sure that you are the best of all and that he loves you. And, it seems to me, that’s the way it is... Because it was with you that everything worked out and with you he is happy. And you can buy flowers yourself, but it is important for you that in this way he proves to you that you are loved. Most likely now, he is proving it to you differently. Care, help... At the stage of conquering a woman, men always (or almost always) give flowers and gifts, and then everything... as agreed;) This text is for your husband: you know, it’s important to me that you give me flowers, I will I love you very much and for me this is proof that you love me.. this is an example text. Most likely you will have your own. Good luck to you, Evgenia.

I think that you need to pamper your men. Not in response to signs of attention, not for good behavior, not according to the principle of mutual settlement “you give me - I give you.” Not from time to time, on holidays. For no reason, every day.

It will become a habit, become a lifestyle and the basis of a relationship in which people do not test each other’s strength, but tenderly support each other.

What is pampering? This:

… go for bread yourself, even if you are also tired;

… get up and go fry meat if you are tired, but he is not, but wants meat;

… repeat to him: “What would I do without you?” often, especially if you fixed the faucet after three months of persuasion;

… leave him the largest piece of cake (the children will understand and eat the rest);

… do not criticize or babysit;

… remember his preferences and take into account his dislikes. And much more.

This is not service, not obligation, not a public demonstration of submission, not enslavement. This is Love. Such ordinary, homely love that everyone needs.

The main thing is to do it “free of charge, for nothing”: without hopes of reciprocal dedication

Only in this case do men reciprocate.

This means that they:

… sometimes they go out to buy bread themselves;

… they say: “Lie down, rest”;

… on the way home they buy strawberries, which are still expensive, but which you love so much;

… they say: “Okay, take it,” about the sheepskin coat, which is more expensive;

… They make it clear to children that the ripest peach should be left for mom.

Speaking of children. If parents spoiled not only their children, but also each other, then, as they grew up, they introduced this system in their families. True, they are still in the minority, but this family tradition must start with someone. Maybe from you?

Don't make a sacrifice. It's hard to digest

When I give this advice to women, I often hear: “Am I not doing enough for him? I cook, wash, clean. Everything for him! So, this is not all that. If, while doing everything, you constantly think about it, and also remind him no, no, and even remind him, this is no longer so much a good attitude as a duty of service and a sacrifice. And who needs a victim? No one. It is impossible to accept her.

The shortest way to a dead end is reproaches, which only make it harder for everyone

Any victim automatically begs for either the instinctive: “Did I ask you?”, or the: “What did you think when you got married?” Either way, you end up at a dead end. The more you sacrifice, the more guilt you burden the man with. Even if you are silent, but you think: “I am everything to him, but he, so-and-so, doesn’t appreciate it.” The shortest path to a dead end is reproaches, which only make it harder.

Spoiled means good

Contrary to popular belief, love should and cannot be demanding. Although many still think that being harsh towards a loved one (child or partner) will teach him not to relax and be ready for anything: “Let’s not indulge, so that life doesn’t seem like honey.” And now it already seems like a battlefield!

In our mentality there is an eternal readiness for trouble, for the worst, looming in the background “if there is war tomorrow.” Hence the tension, which develops into stress, anxieties, fears, neuroses, illnesses... It’s time to at least start coping with this. It's time to stop being afraid of spoiling.

Because there is also an inverse relationship. A person who is cared for continues to be pampered by life itself! One who is kindly treated is not bitter or aggressive. He does not suspect an enemy or ill-wisher in everyone he meets; he is kind, open to communication and joy, and he himself knows how to give it. Such a man or child has a source of love, kindness, and good mood. And it’s quite natural that he knows how to surprise friends and support colleagues.

To pamper is to express love

Some have an innate talent - to bring love and celebration into the house, others learned this in childhood - they do not know that it can be different. But not everyone in the family was spoiled. And if a man is stingy with signs of attention, care, tenderness, then perhaps he was not taught to give them. And this means that a loving woman takes upon herself this care, without falling into cooing and without playing the role of mommy.

To do this, she needs to get rid of the stereotype “if you spoil him, he will sit on his neck” and understand what it means to admire, show interest in his affairs, feelings, care, and respond. Launch this care algorithm. And if it doesn’t work out, ask yourself the question: “If not me, then who?” Friends, employees, even relatives are not inclined to indulge a man’s weaknesses. And try again.

This needs to be done not because he is a big child, but because we are all adults and there are not so many people who want to take care of us, there is not much to worry about. And psychologists and partners leading a happy family life have long known: pampering means expressing love.

I am sure that life itself teaches a person to be prepared for anything. The ability to pull yourself together at the right time instead of constantly holding yourself together is a separate useful skill. As well as the ability to relax.

Love language - money and gifts

When I tell a woman about this at a reception, it often becomes a revelation for her. It turns out she doesn't know where to start. And I say: give gifts! Spend money! Let's not pretend that money doesn't play a role in your relationship. Even if they don’t play, that’s for now. And then they start playing, and it’s not a shame. But only if you are not interested in money in itself, but as a means to please your loved one.

Children and women do not doubt love when no money is spared on them. Men too. Not in the case when they try to fill the void in a relationship with money and expensive toys and small souvenirs are presented instead of love. No, not like that, but as a reminder: I’m here, I always remember, I love you...

So happy is the couple in which gifts are made regularly and easily, or for such a good reason as “I wanted to please you.” If you have been pampering your partner all year, then on a holiday, be it a birthday or Defender of the Fatherland Day, you don’t have to strain yourself and don’t run around for an obligatory gift like new eau de toilette. He will understand.

Psychologist, art therapist.