Attitude towards the child and ex-wife. Second marriage for a woman and a man - features of relationships

A child from his first marriage and possible problems in the future when communicating with him. The article will discuss how to properly build relationships with children from previous relationships with maximum correctness and tact.

The content of the article:

Children from a first marriage are a serious test even for those people who, wanting to start a new family, themselves have a child from a former partner. The ability to get along with fidgets is not enough to gain the trust of a little person. In many cases, he is not ready to share the attention of a father or mother who has decided to radically change their personal life. In such a situation, it is necessary to understand the sometimes painful question of what tactics of behavior are best to choose when communicating with a child who is not related by blood, whose parent is a loved one.

Peculiarities of behavior of a child from his first marriage after meeting

Before developing tactics for dealing with a baby or teenager born in a previous relationship, you should be prepared for the following consequences of the proposed contact:

• . This is especially possible when the little person is in a state of deep shock due to the separation of his parents. If a third object, the destroyer of family happiness, appears on the horizon of their beloved father or mother, then the children may defiantly refuse to make contact with him. They will not understand the origins of the problem that has arisen, because they have not yet learned to give a clear justification for the emerging cause-and-effect factors.
• Overt aggression in a child. Not all children are able to control their own emotional state at a certain stage of their development. Any stranger in the family becomes an unconscious signal of a threat to their established little world. Some young rebels begin to attack the factor that irritates them so actively that they will not give a single chance to their parent’s new chosen one.
• Jealousy of stepbrother/sister. When creating a new family that already has children from a previous relationship, adults should prepare for a time bomb to explode. Not every child will immediately find a common language with a peer who, for some reason, he does not like. In the mentioned case, adults artificially try to make their children from previous marriages bosom friends. The result is a rather predictable “pillow fight” that is clearly not in the format of a girls’ party between new relatives against their will. Things are even more complicated if one of the stepchildren is significantly younger in age. After all, it is known that little ones need more attention, so the elder sometimes feels undeservedly forgotten, gets jealous and angry. Situations often arise when he begins to act quietly, committing small dirty acts on behalf of the younger one.
• Rejection of a new child in a new marriage. The previous problem can be brought to a critical point if the beloved dad or mom has another baby in a new relationship. Even a brother or sister who is 100% related by blood does not always cause tenderness when the attention of adults, after his birth, switches exclusively to a small object of adoration. In this case, elementary jealousy and the feeling that there has been a betrayal in favor of the born baby are triggered.
• Excessive attention to yourself. If peace and complete mutual understanding reign in the family, then it simply does not make sense for children to resort to the measures announced. Sometimes their silent cry is not seen by adults who are too passionate about organizing their personal lives. Children sometimes do not know how to behave in the current situation, and begin to give obvious SOS signals to their parents in all possible ways.
• Frank provocations on the part of a child. If voiced cries for help are not heard by fathers and mothers who are absorbed in new relationships, then children from sweet angels can turn into dirty tricks and manipulators. At any time of the day, they are ready to organize a critical situation for them, which in most cases is artificially created.
• Involving a third interested party in the conflict. If a couple separates with a common child, then let the adults not be surprised by the offspring’s complaints about the parents’ new hobby. In this case, the “servant of two masters” principle can work when a small provocateur tries to get the maximum benefit from the current situation, actively using the feeling of guilt in front of him in his favor. Quite often, parents begin to “bring gifts” to the child in order to somehow brighten up his shock at what is happening. As a result, this leads to significantly increasing demands, whims and blackmail on the part of the “offended”. Children react very sensitively to such situations, trying to extract maximum benefits to their advantage. This is especially typical for teenagers.
• Involving the public in quarrels. After connecting to the unfolding battles of the immediate environment, when an outsider aunt or uncle appeared on the horizon of one of the parents, children, wounded by these events, can begin battles on a more massive scale. The opinion of every adult who is able to condemn what is happening along with the little victim, whose psyche is seriously traumatized, will be important to them.
• Deviant behavior of a child. The apotheosis of the problem voiced may be precisely this factor, which quite often has an extremely negative impact on the future fate of children from their first marriage. Misunderstandings and outright selfishness of adults who forget about their child in search of new happiness are never without consequences for the participants in the upcoming family drama.

It is impossible to unconditionally assert the fact that communication with children from a first marriage will end in just such a deplorable manner. It all depends on the adults, who, with the help of their acquired wisdom, must build communication with the child in such a situation with maximum forethought.

Mistakes when communicating with a child from a first marriage

Some people, considering themselves experienced teachers, and not even having children of their own, often make similar mistakes when contacting their partner’s child:

1. Familiarity. Communication in the “shirt-guy” style does not always pay off when the conversation turns to children from the first unsuccessful experience of a relationship between a man and a woman. The wrong decision would be to erase age boundaries when meeting and further communicating with the son or daughter of a new lover. In this case, it is necessary to observe appropriate subordination, which, however, should not develop into stiffness and excessive coldness.
2. Club “I want to know everything”. From the very first moments of a dialogue with a new family member, you should not ask him for all the details of what is happening to him. Such actions can, at best, alert the little person being interrogated, and at worst, cause him to become aggressive in the event of such tactlessness on the part of an outsider. A child who is related by blood is not always ready to open up, let alone one who considers the parent’s new partner to be a destroyer of their happy family. And in general, there are children who are not ready to let anyone into their inner world except a close friend or mother.
3. . At the first intended contact with a child from a previous marriage, you can prepare a small present for him, having learned in advance about the preferences of the new acquaintance. In the future, it is worth being more careful about systematic offerings in a more serious monetary equivalent at the slightest request from a small extortionist. All this from the outside will look not like the act of a generous person, but an outright bribery of feelings on the part of an adult who has invaded someone else’s (albeit destroyed) family. If you continue to regularly appease the little tyrant with gifts, this will ultimately lead to extreme spoiling and relationships exclusively at the consumer level.
4. Incorrect comparison. This situation implies the presence of children in previous relationships for both partners in the resulting couple. Experts strongly do not recommend belittling the dignity of one child in relation to another, even if such a comparison is obvious and well-reasoned.
5. Excessive activity in adults. Worse than placating a child from a first marriage with gifts may be increased fussiness around him on the part of the new chosen one of one of his parents. In some cases, overly enterprising individuals try to surround such children with maximum care, which sometimes looks quite ridiculous. The exception is a baby or teenager who has become half-orphaned and initially needs increased care and guardianship. And even in this case, one must act extremely carefully, trying at first to respect the boundaries of personal space.
6. Frank answers to children's questions. This time of maturation of the human personality does not imply a conversation on equal terms between an adult and a child. Earning authority from a small interlocutor in this way is not a worthy activity that does not color an already established personality.

Note! Communication with a child from a first marriage will not require much effort from someone who can properly organize the announced event. At the same time, the adult must be ready to stop in time under the slightest force majeure circumstances, when contact with the daughter or son of the new chosen one clearly did not work out.

How to behave correctly with a child from a previous marriage

First of all, it is necessary to remember that it is easy to break an unformed little personality. However, this does not honor the adults who engage in such experiments. Establishing adequate communication with a child from a first marriage is sometimes quite difficult, but with a positive result, you can gain a lot of positive emotions from the event.

Establishing contact with the wife's child from her first marriage

As statistics show, men in some cases find it more difficult to solve the problem raised. A wife’s child from her first marriage sometimes confuses even dads with experience raising their own children with their questions and behavior.

Psychologists, understanding the problematic nature of the situation voiced, have developed a number of recommendations for its painless resolution:

• Inviolability of personal territory. A stranger is more difficult to perceive by children who have in the past been victims of either their parents’ divorce or their father’s passing. This is especially true for boys who zealously protect their mother from the encroachment of strangers on her by the stronger sex. In this case, everything depends on the age of the child, because during infancy he is not able to realize the changes that have occurred in his family. If a man wants to connect his fate with a woman who is raising a teenager, then he needs to respect his even if not fully developed life position.
• Maximum tact in dealing with your new wife. The times of demonstrative display of mutual feelings in front of the entire public are over when the couple acquired offspring. A man, when meeting and further contacting the children of his passion from his first marriage, must understand that at first it may be unpleasant for them to watch the idyll on display for the newly formed couple. In this case, the representative of the stronger sex needs to show maximum diplomacy so as not to injure the little person who has already suffered from the mistakes of adults with inappropriate behavior. To put it simply, the maximum permissible affection is hugging in front of the child. Kissing, pinching the butt and other intimate caresses should remain outside the doors of the parents' bedroom.
• Positive example method. Every man, if he decides to start a serious relationship with a woman who already has a child/children from a previous marriage, must carefully consider his further behavior towards them. There are no ideal people, but self-sufficient individuals always live not for show, but according to generally established ethical principles. It is important to demonstrate to a child or teenager what it means to comply with moral laws, if he was not taught this by his biological would-be father.
• Reasoned financial support. As has already been said, it is not worth pampering a child from a first marriage in terms of unreasonable investments. However, in many cases, a man falls in love with a woman with existing offspring, whose family is extremely strapped for money. There is no need to bribe a child from your first marriage, but letting him feel a strong male shoulder in terms of some pocket expenses will not hurt.
• Common hobbies and shared leisure time. This is especially true if there is a boy in the family. An adult new man should try to spend time with him so that there is an opportunity to talk frankly, clarify all controversial issues, and also convince the child that his intentions towards his mother are the best. Joint leisure will only further unite the new family. It is advisable to choose types of entertainment that will be interesting to everyone.

Note! At first, it is advisable not to drink alcohol at all, especially if the child’s father has had a row in front of his eyes in a drunken stupor. Associations that will arise in the subconscious, even if a man drinks just a little, will not allow him to accept a new family member. In it, the child will intuitively sense danger and expect that drunken antics will soon begin again.

Finding common ground with the husband's child from his first marriage

The opinion that a woman can easily find a common language with her beloved’s child or teenager is not always true. It is quite difficult for some ladies to overcome feelings of jealousy if they are initially 100% possessive by nature.

The following recommendations from experts will help eliminate this negative feeling and establish contact with the child of the new chosen one:

1. Minimum questions with maximum information. Female importunity is only good for catching fleas, as life practice has proven more than once. However, no one forbade using some cunning in order to unobtrusively find out some details that concern the new little acquaintance. Under no circumstances should you ask him about his mother, who is unlikely to like such biased interrogation. Another exception to the rule is the child or children of the husband from his first marriage after the betrayal of their parent or her tragic death.
2. Don't try to replace a parent. In situations in which a man, for one reason or another, raises his offspring alone, a woman needs to take her place. You should not try to become a native from the first minutes. You just need to show yourself as a caring housewife in order to win over your children. There is a time for everything; over time, if they wish, they will be able to treat their father’s new wife as their own mother.
3. Properly organized leisure time. Every woman, if she has a certain amount of worldly wisdom, can find an approach to the blood of her loved one. An analysis of the preferences of the child of the new chosen one will help her with this, after which she can act according to the developed plan. It is necessary in a very correct form to invite him to spend his free time in an entertaining way, naming as an option a previously recognized hobby or an establishment that he likes. You can also take on certain classes, for example, those that the child has long wanted to go to, but could not, since dad is at work. In this case, there will be enough time to get to know each other better without the influence and close gaze of the father or other household members.
4. Tactics of correct tactile contact. In this case, you need to be extremely careful in touching, stroking the head and patting the shoulder of the child of your loved one from a previous marriage. Some children will perceive such actions indifferently, but they can put others into a nervous and even aggressive state. To begin with, you can only hug lightly on holidays and other significant occasions. Over time, caresses will quite easily develop into kisses and tight hugs. It’s just that every person needs time to get used to new people, and especially children. Especially if they had a wonderful mother, but she disappeared/died or for other reasons is no longer involved in their life.

How to behave with children from your first marriage - watch the video:

Accepting a child from a first marriage is in many cases a difficult issue for newlyweds and people with a failed personal life. However, you should carefully consider all the prospects for the development of such relationships, so as not to cause another emotional trauma to the children of a potential partner. The main thing in this case is to begin to establish contact with the child only on the condition that the adults have decided to link their fate, and are not busy with a temporary infatuation for each other.

Everything with my husband and I was according to the script: love, courtship, wedding, the appearance of the desired child. But unexpectedly for myself, after the birth of the baby, I suddenly realized that I had not one child, but two, with an age difference of 30 years. And this is perhaps more difficult than with the weather, because they will grow up, but the husband will not.

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Hostage of love

The first time I suspected something was wrong was when I asked my husband to turn on the oven. It came as a shock to me that he didn’t know which button to press or where to place the lit match.

The same thing happened with the washing machine, but he didn’t want to know what kind of beast this was - a multicooker. And if before the birth of the child I was touched by his calls asking me to tell him again how to turn on the washing machine, then with the birth of the baby it became annoying.

I was finally convinced that my husband was my first-born when he wore torn jeans to work, because he couldn’t buy new ones without me.

After reflecting on this topic, I realized that I myself was to blame for this state of affairs. And one might say, she became a hostage to her love for her husband.

“No, no, honey, I’ll prepare everything myself, this is exclusively women’s work,” “Let’s go to the store, buy you a new shirt,” I remembered myself.

Naturally, at the initial stage of a relationship, you want to show your best side and it’s so nice to serve the man you love. But when a third appears in the family, the woman may not have enough strength and energy to continue in the same spirit. This happened to me too.

Burden of Instincts

For a man, caring for a woman is natural. From birth, his mother takes care of him, then he is looked after by teachers in kindergarten. A man, even having matured, remains at heart a little boy for whom female care is something taken for granted.

For a woman, the desire to take care of a man is inherent at the level of instinct. The man is the breadwinner, and the woman, the keeper of the hearth, must do everything so that when the husband returns with the spoils, he no longer thinks about anything.

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Here is a woman courting a man, and she is also comfortable in this situation. Until a certain point.

Of course, this problem is easier to prevent than to solve. It is better to share household responsibilities at the very beginning of a relationship and not try to predict all the desires of your man, depriving him of independence.

So, one of my friends once said:

“My husband and I agreed “on the shore” that he always washes the dishes.”

I didn’t understand her then, but now I think it was a very prudent move on her part.

A sea of ​​family relationships

What should those who “on the shore” think that in family relationships there will always be knee-deep sea and nothing for nothing? First of all, understand that it is unlikely that you will be able to change or re-educate your man.

Men in general do not tolerate changes well, and even more so those that are associated with their comfort.

So, for my man, I tried to write detailed instructions “How to cook porridge in a slow cooker.” It didn’t work, he still cooks porridge the old fashioned way on the stove in an old saucepan.

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In the absence of homemade food, I switched to the canteen and was even glad: first, second, third and compote! Even before the birth of the child, I didn’t cook so much.

He has mastered the washing machine, but he still doesn’t go shopping without me. In general, he stoically endures the hardships of my lack of care and attention.

But I decided this: since I couldn’t make my husband independent in everyday life, then let him be an exemplary father. I read in one book that the husband should have his own responsibilities in raising children, and mothers should not take all the care of the child themselves.

Somehow I decided to go for a massage, relax, and leave my husband with the child. As soon as I came out all relaxed after stone therapy, my husband called: “I broke the playpen.” A playpen that we rented and the deposit cost of which is 200 rubles! I had a good time, “relaxed”...

Is infantilism in his blood?

In general, it is important to understand this: your man’s childishness and lack of independence extends only to the domestic sphere, or is this his life credo.

We need to analyze his actions. Can he take responsibility for decisions made, is he ready to support you when needed, is he involved in the children’s lives? But he doesn’t wash the dishes after himself and asks you what pill to take for a headache? This means that he relaxes so much, getting used to your comprehensive care.

If his frivolity costs you a pretty penny, you have to take the rap for his actions or get him out of trouble, then most likely infantilism is in his blood. Then a woman should decide for herself whether she is ready to be with such a man.

And I was puzzled. And then I thought: he finally fixed the playpen, so much so that you can’t dig it. And he cooks porridge for me, even in that same old saucepan. Delicious. And he goes for walks with his daughter on weekends. He came home from work, I’ll go kiss him!

Remarriage is a common phenomenon in our society. Many families are created from halves whose first union broke up. And it seems that now there is everything for complete happiness: a loved one, the desire to create a strong marriage, the necessary life experience... But, alas, many spouses are haunted by one thing: who is more valuable - second wives or first children?

The most difficult thing in this situation is for children from the first union; they find themselves between a rock and a hard place, often finding themselves in the center of a conflict. Two women, the former and the former, cannot share a man, his feelings, affections and responsibilities, as well as free time. Each believes that he owes her more, but is this really so?

Psychologists are sure: each of these women has its own place in a relationship with a common man. When people decide to divorce, they cease to be husband and wife, but at the same time they forever remain each other’s first spouses. Just as you cannot erase the past from your life, you cannot forget about the fact that your husband had a relationship before you. The law of strong family ties, especially when concluding a second marriage, says: the one who came later is obliged to respect the one who came earlier. This means - whether you want it or not, you will have to put up with the presence of your first wife in your man’s life and the presence of common children. Understand that your first wife does not take your place in the family hierarchy, she is in her place, she was there before you. So you cannot take her place, since you have your own - at number two. By the way, the number only indicates the order of appearance in a man’s life, and not the significance in his life.

How should the second wife behave correctly towards the first wife and her children?

Tip 1: Don't take away a man's past

This advice seems obvious, but, nevertheless, some women forget about it. It is impossible to love a person partially - this is a feeling that absorbs the partner entirely. If you have entered into a relationship with a man, you must accept his past. Perhaps the character traits that appeal to you in him were brought up by his “ex”. Remember, sometimes it is of decisive importance!

Tip 2: Keep in mind that the first spouse does not owe you anything.

It is quite natural that first wives turn to their ex-husband for help in raising children. It doesn’t matter what kind of support is required - moral or material. The first woman has the right to it. And she is not obliged to care about your psychological comfort, or to take into account the fact that this is unpleasant for you. She has her own truth, her own goals and her own problems.

Tip 3: Be loyal

To preserve the moral health and well-being of her child, the first wife can communicate with the first husband about the topics of common children. This means: there is nothing wrong with her being his friend on a social network. And it is absolutely normal that the first wife calls the man on his mobile phone and talks about his offspring’s academic performance and successes. You should not see all this as a way to return him to his previous family. The goals of the first wife are different - not to allow anyone to push her children out of the heart of their father. By the way, this goal is noble. Every child has the right.

Tip 4: Do not limit your time with children from your first marriage

Give a man the right to decide for himself what kind of leisure time his children should have and how long it should last. Ideally, you will all spend it together. It’s good if the attitude towards all children is equal, from the first and from the second wife. When they can visit each other, despite the fact that their mothers are not very friendly. But there are cases when first wives prohibit their children from communicating with the second spouses of their ex-husband and their children. The second spouses have no choice but to accept this fact.

Tip 5: Make friends with children from your first marriage

Pleasant communication and friendly gatherings work wonders. As soon as you begin to perceive the child from your man’s first marriage as a member of the family, your psychological well-being will improve. Jealousy and fear of insufficient attention to your offspring will go away. Everything in life will go its own way. But keep in mind: all this applies only to sincere communication with the child, and not to showering him with gifts on occasion and being forced to spend leisure time together.

Tip 6: Know that a man who refuses to communicate with children from his first marriage is an egoist

Alas, this is true. Moreover, someday he may do the same in relation to you and your common child. Would you like this? We are sure not. So, maybe you shouldn’t tempt fate and demand the impossible from your spouse? A man's strong paternal position towards his children deserves respect.

Tip 7: Enjoy your happiness

Allow yourself to be happy here and now. Don't live in the past! You are married, your chosen one is next to you, perhaps a common child, which means everything is fine. Happiness is where love lives.

“Do not think that you are raising a child when you talk to him, or teach him, or order him. You nurture it in every moment of your life. The child sees or feels the slightest changes in tone, all the turns of your thoughts reach him in invisible ways, although you do not notice them” (A. Makarenko).

The Ivanovs are an ordinary family living in a small town. They love to travel and spend time with their family - their first-born Pavlik, who is 6 years old, already knows how to swim, helps his dad put together a tent and actively participates in family events. The second child in their family is a long-awaited happiness, a joy for everyone. The eldest Pavlik is also pleased: he begged his mother for a brother, promised to take care and love him, be an example, dreamed of going fishing and riding a bicycle with him. And now, the expected moment has arrived! "Mom and Dad! I’ve got the bike ready, let’s ride with my brother!” – this was Pavlik’s first joyful exclamation.

"What's happening? Why is everyone running around and not paying attention to me? Why do people admire the baby as soon as he says “aha”? He can sleep in the crib next to his mother, but I can’t? Don't they love me?

Raising two or three children- an interesting, but also complex process, and the formation of relationships between them will depend on how the parents react to it. Different ages (from 5 years or more) should not become an obstacle to communication and distribution of responsibilities - relationships in the family will change with an addition, but taking into account the wishes and requirements of not only the baby, but also the older child. It is in childhood that the basic life positions are laid, aspects of human behavior, self-esteem, trust in the world, and attitude towards oneself are created. How to raise two children correctly in order to eliminate jealousy, rejection, aggression and form family and friendly relationships between them?

A stranger among one's own: mistakes in raising children of different ages

Having decided to have a second child, any parents have bright dreams. They imagine that their children will support each other, show care and love. In adulthood, they will not experience loneliness, because each of them will have a close, kindred soul. However, sometimes instead of friendship between children, an atmosphere of hostility, rivalry and even outright enmity arises. Is it difficult to have two children with an age difference of 5 or more years?

What are the main mistakes parents make in raising children?

1. Ignoring the allocation of a personal area for each child
Every child should have personal space. Reservations like: “move soon, children are growing up quickly or there is no room” are inappropriate here. If you do not allocate your own “safety zone” to each child in a timely manner, a feeling of rivalry and competition will quickly arise between the children.

2. Inflated expectations and demands from seniors
With the appearance of the “youngest”, the older child automatically becomes an “adult”. Parents expect him to understand the current life situation on an unconscious level, making the little child essentially adult and independent. At the slightest mistakes or shortcomings, parents reprimand: “Well, how could you, you’re an adult.” The older child begins to feel unwanted, a failure, and carries these feelings with him throughout his life.

3. Comparison of children, their personal and external qualities, achievements
Comparing children even in small things leads to negativity towards each other. “Look how Pavlik eats well, and you sit,” or “Masha knows how to dance beautifully, and you walk like a bear.” First of all, comparison of children by parents leads to hostility, jealousy and competition between them.

4. Singling out a “favorite”, inattention to one of the children
Having a favorite, “sweet and obedient” child in a family always leads to a breakdown in relationships. Of course, it is easier for mom or dad to communicate with a child who is in contact, fulfills requests, is accommodating and calm. However, it is precisely the child who withdraws into himself, the “difficult” one in every sense, who should be as close to his parents as possible. If you begin to feel worse about the child, you see that he has developed negative character traits, you need to try to help him, because he is the one who feels like a hostage to the situation and, most likely, does not know how to get out of it.

5. Shifting “adult” responsibilities to an older child
“Pavlik, help the mother with the baby. Throw away the diaper. Take a walk with your brother. Well done!" Seeing how the eldest son helps, the mother rejoices, but also involuntarily shifts some of her responsibilities to the child. Yes, it is good to help, but there is no need to make this the direct and primary responsibility of the elder. Building the format of such relationships, older children in adulthood remember that they had no childhood, and all their responsibilities and games were reduced to caring for the youngest. The result is the formation of hatred towards parents, brother, and a negative perception of life in general.

It is not difficult for adults to look after the baby, and some parents forget that the eldest is just a child. Taking care of his brother, he does not understand the full responsibility that his parents shift to him. If trouble happens to the baby, the elder will blame and punish himself, because “I didn’t finish watching, which means I’m bad.” Such experiences become a strong emotional stress for the child’s fragile psyche and form incorrect, negative attitudes that are “embedded” in the memory and automatically transferred into adulthood.

Almost always in families with two children of different ages, the eldest shows jealousy. It can take the form of disobedience, whims, and outright hostility. Punishing a child when such emotions are shown is a parent’s mistake and a “path to nowhere.” Parents must show their firstborn that nothing has changed in their love for him. Moreover, the phrase “I love you both equally” is not entirely suitable. It is impossible to love different children equally, because they are not identical, with their own features and unique character. It is better to say: “I love you both equally” - this will be more correct on the part of the parents and clearer to the child.

By raising children, we educate ourselves: proper upbringing of children of different ages

In a family where there are several children with an age difference of about 5 or more years, imbalances in relationships arise less often than in families with children of approximately the same age. The elder has already become more independent, he consciously makes concessions to the younger and understands why this needs to be done. Parents become less critical of the older child, are loyal to his mistakes and failures and try to support him in every possible way.
Pavlik was asked to draw his family. He drew his dad, mom, little brother and himself. Moreover, the youngest in the picture is located closer to his mother than he himself. From the children's drawing it becomes clear: the eldest child has a special connection with his brother and loves his family. However, the drawing also reflects a problem: by drawing the younger brother closer to his mother, the older brother subconsciously showed that he really lacks emotional warmth and closeness, communication with his parents.

Of course, it is impossible to predict every situation and solve every problem. Parents will still make mistakes in raising their children, but global misunderstandings can be avoided by establishing your own, correct upbringing system and trying to adhere to it:

• The older one needs to pay as much attention as the younger one.
• Responsibilities for caring for a small child are not transferred to the firstborn. He should have his own interests, personal space and time for games.
• It is necessary to punish fairly and correctly: often in families during a conflict, only the eldest is scolded, although it is almost always the youngest who “stirs the pot.” Figure out what's going on. If the youngest is at fault, do not lose sight of it.
• Don't compare children to each other or to other people's children. Each child is individual, he is a personality, with his own characteristics and character. Don't forget and appreciate it.
• Set your priorities correctly. The main mistake of parents is that the youngest child is “in charge”, and the problems of the older one are relegated to the background. If the first-born has fallen, is worried about something, and wants to talk, first of all you need to listen to him and help him by putting the baby in the crib, and not demand that he solve his problem on his own.

To develop your own system of education, inherent in each family, will require a lot of mental strength and work. Don’t be afraid to show your love, show it, admit your mistakes, don’t ignore physical contact with your older child - he needs it just as much as the younger one. A child who grows up in love and understanding, in an atmosphere of support and attention, is rarely embittered or selfish, and it is easier for him to go through life. After all, the role of parents is to formulate the child’s values ​​and help him prepare for an independent adult life.

There are no universal methods suitable for raising children of different ages. Parents should have their own approaches and principles based on family values ​​and traditions. The main rule is not to separate children, to participate equally in everyone’s life, to evenly distribute care and love. Parents who say they love their children equally are deceiving themselves and their children. We love children in different ways, but equally strongly, and we need to admit this to them. Every family can have crises, troubles, and discord. It is important to go through them calmly, together, overcome obstacles and difficulties, and show by your own example what a friendly and happy family is.

A second marriage is a new legalized relationship on which those who, for a number of reasons, could not be happy in their first marriage pin their hopes. What pitfalls exist in remarriages and whether they can be happier than the first, this is discussed in detail in this article.

Second marriages - psychology

Youth is a time for being crazy and building relationships in which the other half is seen as ideal, beautiful in everything. Often falling in love is mistaken for love and first marriages are concluded on the impulse of feelings; some experts call them student marriages. Such unions do not last long and the divorce rate is very high. To decide on a second marriage after a divorce, it takes time and awareness of readiness for a new relationship.

According to statistics, more men enter into second marriages (up to 70%), women after 35 years of age find it difficult to find a chosen one, so many of them are single, and only 30% remarry. Relationships in a second marriage often repeat the scenario of the first marriage, if the man and woman did not realize all the mistakes and disagreements that were made in the previous relationship, but it can be quite the opposite.

Are second marriages happy?

This question is most often asked by the fair sex. Official statistics call a second marriage more thoughtful and lasting, even if there are children from a previous marriage. Whether the second legal marriage will be happier than the first, it depends on the spouses themselves, whether they are ready to agree, change, respect their partner and build harmonious relationships, taking into account the experience that they had in the first marriage.

Second marriage for a woman

Many women in their second marriage feel much happier and calmer, because their very nature contains the wisdom to learn life lessons and process them into important experience for themselves. As women who have married for the second time admit, they already have a clear image of what they want from this relationship and what efforts they are willing to make to make the marriage strong and long. What problems does a woman overcome in a new marriage:

1. Difficulty in rebuilding from the mode of loneliness that existed for some time after a divorce (usually women remarry after 3–5 years);
2. Comparing the current spouse with the former is an inevitable phenomenon, and the comparison itself can occur in a positive sense, which is typical when the husband initiated the divorce, and the woman continued to love him. Then the comparison may not be in favor of the second husband, and attempts arise to remake him. A negative comparison is a transfer or projection of negative traits and actions of a former spouse onto the current one.
3. It’s difficult to build relationships with your husband’s parents, and if you have children from your first marriage, sometimes you need to make a lot of effort to help everyone find a common language.

Man's second marriage

Is a second marriage happier for the stronger half of humanity? Traditionally, in many cultures it is believed that a woman creates comfort in the home and a harmonious atmosphere. To some extent this is true, but a lot depends on the man whether his second marriage will be happy. A woman who wants to marry a man who has already been in a marital relationship should take into account some recommendations from psychologists:

• men are no less vulnerable than women, and for them divorce is a difficult test, disappointment, they need time to get over it;
• if a man has children from his first marriage, it is important for him to see them and help them financially;
• some men, immediately within a year after a divorce, strive to plunge into a new marital relationship, not imagining life without it, others are in no hurry to leave the status of a divorced bachelor, and they are satisfied with regular dates;
• a man who has been abandoned by his wife experiences a very long and painful experience and a second marriage may not happen for him; only the sensitive attitude of his chosen one can make him reconsider his attitude towards marriage.

Second marriage after divorce

Divorce is a difficult life test and shock for someone who has been rejected or stopped loving. The initiator of the divorce, no matter whether it is the husband or the wife, also suffers from feelings of guilt and finds it difficult to enjoy the new relationship. For some time, a person must experience personal trauma, rejection, learn to love life again and give himself a chance to be happy in a new relationship. Often a conscious second marriage and a church wedding in it is an attempt to add spiritual depth to the marriage. Many couples hope that this greatly strengthens their marriage.

When entering into a second marriage, a man and woman need to remember the following useful things:

• everyone has the right to a happy relationship;
• the past cannot be erased from your life, but you can treat it as a useful experience and forgive yourself all the mistakes and mistakes that served as the basis for divorce and accept your partner’s past without going into details;
• guilt is an unproductive feeling, it leaves an imprint on new existing relationships and prevents them from being enjoyed; it is important to get rid of shame and guilt;
• sincerity is the key to real and trusting relationships in a new marriage

Second marriage if the husband died

The death of a spouse is a great tragedy for a woman, and it takes a lot of time to get over it. Each specific case has its own nuances, it all depends on the woman’s feelings towards her deceased spouse. According to religious canons, mourning must last for at least a year - this is like a tribute to the memory of a departed spouse. Psychologists are of the same opinion. A woman must decide for herself whether to take a new surname in a second marriage, but if we consider the situation symbolically, then taking the surname of a second husband means letting go of the old connection, a break with the past.

Second civil marriage

Today, couples living together under one roof, but without a registry office stamp on marriage, are called civil marriage, although this is not entirely true - if we accurately characterize this phenomenon, it is called cohabitation, marriage without obligations. The realities of the modern world are such that people are in no hurry to bind themselves with the bonds of official marriage, so that they can quickly run away without mutual claims. It often happens that a woman who has lived in a de facto marriage for several years dreams of legitimizing her next relationship, but it develops according to the same scenario as the first.

Another option is when a man or woman has been in a legalized first marriage and is in no hurry to formalize their next relationship. The first marriage left children, so a second marriage without children, a man or woman does not want to burden themselves with other offspring. The reasons for the reluctance to enter into a second legal marriage may be severe, exhausting disagreements in the first marriage with the division of property and children.

Second marriage to ex-wife

This is an interesting topic for family psychologists, because in their consultations they often encounter couples who have decided to reunite after a divorce. A second marriage with an ex-wife, whether it is necessary - there is no definite answer to this question, but there are certain pros and cons of such a marriage. Why remarriage to ex-spouses can be happy:

• no need to rub against each other;
• all relatives and friends will be happy to reunite and will provide support;
• all the flaws of the other half are known as peeling off, and are already perceived as cute and charming;
• you can always find a compromise;
• if we talk about children, then they will certainly be happy that their mom and dad are together again;
• a new period of development of relations, with a more careful attitude towards each other.

Second marriage and children from first marriage

How will the second husband and the wife’s children from her first marriage interact? This is a difficult question, and the answer depends on how the children were raised and how they were prepared for other parental relationships. Children often perceive the new chosen ones of their father or mother with hostility; they can understand that no one can take the place of a real parent in their hearts. And they perceive the second marriage of the father or mother as a betrayal of the second parent in relation to them.

Second marriage with two children

Relationships in a second marriage are easier for childless spouses to create, but more often life is such that after the first marriage a woman or a man has children, sometimes both, and here you need to have very subtle psychology in order to build your relationship between children and spouses, and between yourself children. When children are very young, this is easier to do, but the older the child, the more stumbling blocks and contradictions arise. It is important to create conditions so that relationships are strengthened.

Having a child in a second marriage

Over time, being remarried, a woman understands that she needs a common child, so children born in a second marriage are often a balanced and deliberate decision of both, which may indicate that the man is committed to a strong relationship. A woman may have concerns that her second husband may begin to treat the child from her first marriage worse, but this is rarely the case. If he accepted a woman with a child from the beginning, then there is no reason to doubt the sincerity of his feelings. The birth of a child in a second marriage actually strengthens the relationship between spouses.