Should I send my child to kindergarten? Why go to kindergarten, does your child need it and how to refuse to attend? Is it worth going to kindergarten?

Very often, parents, in an attempt to find an answer to the question “Should I send my child to kindergarten?” are guided by their own experiences and memories from childhood. For some, kindergarten was a necessity - there was simply no one to leave the child with at home. Some did not go there for the reason that a non-working mother should independently take care of her child before school, instead of “pushing” him into kindergarten. This approach cannot be called correct: over several decades, not only kindergartens have changed, but also the very approach to raising children. Today, parents are increasingly asking the question: what will be best for the child? What does kindergarten give a child? Does he like it there, and if he doesn’t like it, is it worth forcing him? Will the child experience difficulties at school and in communicating with peers if he never went to kindergarten? Do you need a kindergarten? BrainApps will help you understand the situation and find answers to these questions.

Advantages and disadvantages of kindergarten for a child

Before asking such important and complex questions, it would be nice to first understand why a kindergarten is needed at all. Are there any specific, positive aspects of a child’s stay in this place, and what disadvantages are important to remember when sending your child to kindergarten?

Advantages of having a child in kindergarten:

1. Compliance with the regime. The human body is designed in such a way that adherence to a strict regime, when meals, sleep, play activities and rest are scheduled by the hour, is beneficial for it. In a home or apartment, it is much more difficult to organize compliance with the regime as flawlessly as it happens in a kindergarten.
2. Instilling discipline. Discipline is an integral part of any person’s life, but most often we encounter it outside the home. A child who grows up exclusively at home, surrounded by family, cannot become fully acquainted with discipline. In the garden he learns the rules and the need to adhere to them.
3. Developing independence. It is quite natural that when a teacher has to look after 15-20 children at the same time, he cannot give everyone as much attention as, for example, the child’s parents pay attention to at home. In a kindergarten, a child is forced to learn independence: clean up his toys, eat his own food, and perform other age-appropriate activities.
4. Socialization among adults. If a child does not go to kindergarten, the only adults in his life who have authority and play an important role are his parents. After the habit of obeying only mom and dad for 6-7 years, a child entering school may find it difficult to adapt to the fact that there are teachers who also need to be obeyed. Kindergarten slowly accustoms the child to the fact that he is surrounded by a large number of adults who need to be respected and listened to.
5. A small child living at home and occasionally visiting the playground does not have the opportunity to communicate with peers without the supervision of parents or educators. Communication with peers, however, is an integral part of personality development. The child encounters other children, learns to get along with their characters, make friends and even be at enmity.
6. Physical and intellectual development. Here everything primarily depends on the kindergarten itself and whether parents have the opportunity to engage in the child’s development at home. The ideal option is to combine the kindergarten program with the efforts of the parent to develop their beloved child. However, if a child spends all day and night watching cartoons and playing games, even a kindergarten with a not very diverse program will benefit. A child in kindergarten gets acquainted with foreign languages, learns to dance, do exercises, draw, sculpt from plasticine and much more.

Disadvantages of keeping a child in kindergarten:

1. Separation from parents. The child, after previously being under the supervision of his parents 24 hours a day, surrounded by love and care, experiences stress in kindergarten, especially at first. Love and emotional support are extremely important for the development of a child and his self-confidence, which kindergarten, unfortunately, cannot provide. Even in a very good institution, the teacher is surrounded by too many children to give everyone full attention.
2. Fatigue. A child, like an adult, sometimes needs solitude. For some more, for others less, because even at a young age, children are divided into introverts and extroverts. In the garden, the child is almost not left to himself, he is constantly surrounded by people, he cannot remain alone and do what he himself would like. In some cases, this leads to psychological fatigue.
3. Unfavorable environment. Not many parents have the opportunity to send their child to a kindergarten where there are children exclusively from wealthy families. Among their peers there will certainly be children whose upbringing their parents did not pay attention to; quite often they are rude and cocky.
4. Diseases. Often parents for whom kindergarten, due to work, is a necessity, bring their children with a runny nose, fever, and even the flu. According to the rules, the kindergarten cannot refuse to accept a sick child, so sick children infect healthy ones. This is one of the points that nothing can be done about, you just have to put up with it.
5. Socialization among peers. It is no coincidence that we included this point in both advantages and disadvantages. Yes, of course, it is useful for a child to spend time among other children, learn to communicate and establish contacts. Unfortunately, communication between children does not always go according to the scenario planned by adults. The teacher is physically unable to monitor each child and organize communication correctly. At 3-4 years old, children can already quarrel and even fight, lay claim to other people’s toys, and play against the rules. It’s good if the parents take care of the child and explain outside the kindergarten how to behave correctly, but what if not? For some kids, going to kindergarten is a real stress, since defending your property and interests is not always easy and not with everyone.

So should you send your child to kindergarten?

Now that we have figured out that kindergartens have both significant pros and cons, it’s time to answer the most important question: is it worth sending your child to kindergarten?

Unfortunately, there is no universal answer to this question. It all depends on the child, his health, ability to communicate with peers, your capabilities and, of course, on the kindergarten where you decided to send your child.

They used to like to say that a child who did not go to kindergarten has difficulty adapting to the conditions of elementary school. In fact, the reason for the “difficult” adaptation does not lie in the absence of any special skills that can only be acquired in kindergarten. Previously, when the overwhelming number of children went to kindergarten, the children had time to get to know each other, get to know each other well, and even make friends. Then this already formed group, almost in its entirety, moved to school, and of course, the newcomer did not feel very comfortable in the first grade. Today the situation has changed: parents decide to send their child to the kindergarten they need, and not the one that is closer to home, hire nannies or ask their parents for help. Children come to first grade and do not experience problems with learning, since only a few know each other.

In general, today there is absolutely no difference whether a child goes to kindergarten or not, if parents provide the right conditions for development at home:

• regular exercise to promote physical and psychological development;
• providing opportunities to communicate with peers every day, for example, at a party or on the playground.

Moreover, an attentive, loving, free parent, ready to devote most of his time to the child, will do a much better job than any, the coolest and most wonderful kindergarten. You need to pay attention to what the child likes to do, but at the same time ensure comprehensive development: fine motor skills, modeling, drawing, counting, writing, development of memory and attention. By the way, games on the BrainApps website will greatly help the parent in the mental development of the child. Some of them are suitable even for the smallest children and are aimed at training memory, attention and thinking.

Don't forget about clubs or sports sections. They are needed not only for the physical development of the child, but also for understanding the authority of adults, learning discipline and following the rules.

So, if you are asking the question “is kindergarten necessary?” and you can’t find an answer, it’s better to ask yourself another question: “will you be able to create the conditions that your child needs for full development if he doesn’t go to kindergarten?” What exactly should the conditions be? You should, if possible, recreate all the benefits of kindergarten that we listed above in a home or apartment. If you manage to do this, then the child’s development will happen absolutely without problems, the baby will not somehow stand out badly from his peers who attended kindergarten. If you are limited in time or are not confident in your own abilities, then, perhaps, it is better for him to attend kindergarten at least periodically.

Does my child need to go to kindergarten? They say that children from home have a very difficult time adapting to school because they are not used to being in a group environment.

Until recently, it was believed that kindergarten was a truly necessary link in the development of every child. And indeed, “home” children often had difficulty adapting to school rules, to the rules of communication accepted in the peer group. Perhaps, these difficulties were explained primarily by the fact that there were very few such children; the overwhelming majority were “kindergarten” children. Often, children moved in whole groups from the “yard” kindergarten to the same “yard” (that is, in the neighborhood) school. And if a child who spent the first seven years of his life under his mother and grandmother’s wing ended up in the same class, he, of course, had a hard time.

Today the situation is different. Children who have never attended kindergarten are no longer exceptions. In addition, the very concept of “kindergarten” these days is not as clear as before. In addition to the standard state kindergarten, there are a number of other options for “employment” of a preschool child. So children come to first grade with a wide variety of “baggage”: some went to a regular kindergarten, some went to some Development Center, and some even stayed at home with a nanny.

And now, timid at first, but gaining strength, the voices of those who took it upon themselves to assert that “home” children were no worse than “kindergarten” children began to be heard. Of course, there are exceptions everywhere, but, in general, a child raised at home, and not in an “institution,” may well be as developed, independent, proactive and sociable as a kindergarten student. Another thing is that for this, parents must not just “keep” their precious child at home, but work on developing all these qualities in him.

What exactly does attending kindergarten give a child? First of all - opportunity to communicate with peers, inclusion in a group. You may be a staunch individualist, withdrawn and uncommunicative, but you need to remember: From about the age of three (and definitely from four years old!) the child needs to communicate with other children. And you must provide him with this opportunity.

Of course, in kindergarten, a child learns to communicate not only with other children, but also with adults. Until school age begins, parents, of course, remain the only truly authoritative adults in a child’s life. But the experience of communicating with teachers in kindergarten helps the child in the future to avoid difficulties in establishing relationships with school teachers. The baby learns that in addition to his mother, there are other adults whose opinions need to be listened to, and sometimes simply obeyed.

Naturally connected with this point is another: In kindergarten, the child gets acquainted with certain rules of behavior and learns to comply with them. The word “discipline” evokes a rather negative attitude among many of us, since it is associated with the “equalizing” drill adopted in kindergartens and schools of the Soviet era. But if we ignore these associations and understand by the word “discipline” simply the ability to adhere to the necessary rules of human society, then we must admit: these skills are necessary for the child.

Finally, In kindergarten, the child receives opportunities for intellectual and physical development. Strictly speaking, the standard educational programs adopted in state kindergartens leave much to be desired: in many ordinary kindergartens there are not enough classes, and they are far from being conducted at the highest level. “Kindergarten” education alone is not enough for a child. In any case, parents should work with the baby themselves. But if a “home” child spends whole days exclusively in front of the TV screen, then in kindergarten he, of course, will receive incomparably more. Drawing, modeling, design, speech development, music classes and physical education - this minimal “gentleman’s set” will be provided by the simplest state kindergarten. If you are lucky and you find a really good kindergarten (there are also state-run ones) with a good, extensive program, you can count on your child being truly interested there.

Can I provide my child with all the conditions necessary for his harmonious development at home, without sending him to kindergarten?

In principle, this is possible. But only if you are really ready for this very, very serious work. The most difficult thing in home education is, perhaps, not the intellectual or physical development of the child. It is in these areas that a caring and educated mother can give her child much more than classes in kindergarten. It is much more difficult to create all the necessary conditions for social development for a child.

We have already talked above about the main advantages of kindergarten: the child gets the opportunity to communicate with peers and with adults other than parents, learns to behave “in society” and follow the rules. And if you do not want to send your child to kindergarten, you need to think carefully about how exactly you will provide your child with these opportunities.

A “home” child should spend a lot of time on playgrounds, playing with other children. In addition, it is very desirable to provide him with some kind of permanent friend of the same age - or better, several friends. You need to take him to visit and invite other children to your home.

This task is quite feasible. But we must not forget about another important point - the child’s communication with adults. It's no secret that women who prefer to stay home with their children until it's time to go to school often have a heightened sense of parental duty and a desire to be ideal mothers. Some rather unfavorable consequences follow from this laudable desire: such mothers are almost always convinced that they simply do not have the right to entrust their precious baby to someone else (and the category of “strangers” often includes all other people, including their closest friends , and grandparents).

If you do not send your child to kindergarten because you do not trust the teachers and believe that no one but you will be able to treat the child correctly and find the right approach to him, you urgently need to change this point of view! Of course, the child cannot be given away to the first available hands. But you can’t limit his world only to your own person either. You need to understand that the child needs experience communicating with other adults besides the mother- even if this mother really is the best in the world!

If you don’t want to send your beloved child to kindergarten, send him to some club, section, or play group. Agree with one of your friends that from time to time your child will spend the day with her. The best thing is if among your friends there are young mothers like you. You can create a “visitation schedule”, taking turns hosting other children. Let your private “kindergarten” “work” only a few hours a day, at least a couple of times a week: this will already bring great benefits to the kids. They will learn to communicate with each other, and little by little they will get used to the fact that sometimes it is not only their mother who has to obey.

Suitable age: does it make sense to send your child to a nursery?

The most optimal age for going out into the world is four years. Yes, yes, no less! And please, try not to listen to the persistent advice of experienced grandmothers who are always ready to explain to us that “the sooner the better - the sooner you get used to it”! Because it's not true.

A one-year-old toddler, of course, can “get used” to the fact that for some reason his beloved mother has been replaced by someone else’s, not very affectionate aunt. To get used to it means to resign yourself and suffer in silence, reacting to stress “only” with frequent colds and other illnesses, bad mood, and decreased interest in the world around you. Such passive resistance is far from a trifle; it has a very negative impact on the further emotional, intellectual and physical development of the baby.

Today, most nurseries accept children only from one and a half years old. But this is also extremely early! One and a half years is the age when the so-called separation anxiety is just beginning to subside. Simply put, the baby is still too strongly attached to his mother and reacts very painfully to her absence, as well as to the appearance of strangers, especially if they try to get too close to him.

It’s no secret that “disadvantaged” children, that is, those who are not doing well at home, adapt best to nurseries. Kindergarten teachers know this very well. They sadly talk about the fact that in each group there are one or two kids who do not want to leave kindergarten in the evenings: parents come, call from the threshold of the group, and the child... turns his back, hides behind a shelf with toys. And the point here is not at all that the baby “played too much”, was too carried away by some of his important baby affairs.

For a one-and-a-half-year-old toddler, meeting his mother, the opportunity to cling to her tightly and not let go is the most important thing, by definition, due to age characteristics. Beginning at this age, the fear of unfamiliar adults gradually smoothes out, but does not completely disappear for quite some time (although different children differ greatly in this respect from each other). Interest in other children awakens in children only by the age of three. At the same time, at first they are drawn to older comrades, then they begin to be interested in those who are younger, and only last of all do they pay attention to their peers.

So, A nursery for one and a half years can be justified only by the most extreme necessity. Before you decide to send your child to a nursery, you need to look at all possible options that allow you to leave your baby at home. Look for home work, try to negotiate with mothers you know that you will take turns “shepherding” your children. Believe me, there are no hopeless situations and, if desired, you can always find some alternative to a nursery.

It is a little easier for a two-year-old child to get used to the nursery. The general rule remains the same - early! But there are already quite a few exceptions to this rule. By the age of two, a child can really be very sociable, and if the kindergarten (especially the teachers!) is good, the child may like it there. In any case, you can try to take your child to a nursery if you are already convinced that he is not afraid of other children and adults, has the necessary self-care skills (knows how to use a potty, can feed himself), and experiences your absence without much suffering.

At the same time, you must observe the behavior, mood of the baby, and his state of health. If you see that your two-year-old is having difficulty adapting to the nursery, under no circumstances insist or persist in your intention to accustom him to the “institution” right now. The saying “if you endure it, you fall in love” does not work in this case! The negative experience of visiting a nursery will have an impact in the future: in a year or two, when “home” children come to the group and adapt to the kindergarten without any problems, your baby will still perceive the kindergarten as a place of imprisonment, will often get sick, cry in the morning and in the evenings.

In our case, the following folk wisdom applies: “The miser pays twice.” By sending a two-year-old to nursery who is not ready for it, you will gain nothing. Going to work will result in regular sick leave. It is much wiser to spend your time wisely: gradually, without haste, but persistently and consistently prepare your baby for kindergarten. This “investment” of your time and your care will pay off in full. This may sound banal, but still: what could be more valuable than the health of a beloved child - both physical and psychological?

Some mothers send their two-year-old children to nurseries not because they really need to go to work, but for “pedagogical” reasons: they say, in the group the child will be taught to be independent, he will develop faster, etc. Yes, talking all day long with other people’s aunts and being only one of fifteen to twenty of the same toddlers, your child will probably learn to hold a spoon and pull up his pants faster than his “at-home” peers. But is this really important in itself? At home, he also learns independence, masters all these necessary everyday skills - but how could it be otherwise? This, of course, requires your attention, your work and your patience.

Let's be honest. When bringing a child to a nursery, we cannot even dream of some kind of individual approach, respect for the child’s personality, etc. Things are better with kindergartens, but nurseries cannot in any way be considered a place useful for the child.

Both the age characteristics of a two-year-old child and the quality of our nurseries, in general, lead to the following conclusion: wait, don’t rush! It has been proven that nursery students are often later characterized by less initiative in decision-making, since activity and emotionality are largely established in the first years of life.

Note to mom

A child who does not adapt well to a nursery or kindergarten does not necessarily demonstrate this clearly. He can behave quite obediently and even submissively, expressing his experiences in some indirect way. The most common form of passive resistance in toddlers is frequent colds.

But there are other points that you definitely need to pay attention to. This is sleep, appetite, the child’s behavior at home in the evenings, after kindergarten. In the first time after starting to visit a nursery or kindergarten, such “delights” as decreased appetite, difficulty falling asleep and even crying at night, domestic whims and a somewhat depressed or irritable mood can be considered “normal.” But if after three to four weeks the situation does not improve, we can say that the child is not adapting well to kindergarten or nursery.

In this case, it is advisable to save the child from attending kindergarten for the next year, and if this is completely impossible, try to soften his traumatic situation: leave him in kindergarten only for half a day, give him an additional day off in the middle of the week, look for a kindergarten or nursery with fewer children in Group.

These recommendations may not seem very realistic. However, the experience of many mothers shows that they can be done if desired. And the efforts are justified, because as a result you preserve the mental well-being of the child, and therefore your own.

At what age is it best for a child to go to kindergarten?

We have already begun to answer this question. Let us repeat once again: most psychologists today consider four years to be the optimal age, and three years to be quite acceptable. By the age of three, the child is no longer afraid of being left without his mother for some time, begins to be interested in communicating with other children, and has self-care skills. But he will only truly enjoy playing with his peers when he is closer to four years old.

The ideal option is to gradually, without haste or presenting strict demands, begin introducing your child to kindergarten at three to three and a half years old. First, take him for walks with the kindergarten group, then leave him in kindergarten for half the day.

If it quickly turns out that the child does not mind spending time in a new environment, you can move on to a regular visit to kindergarten. If the baby does not express any special enthusiasm, there is nothing wrong with the fact that until the age of four he will attend kindergarten according to a “gentle” regime.

Don't worry about him falling behind his peers in some way. The main thing is that after three years he does not remain in a confined home space, alone with his mother or grandmother, but gradually expands the boundaries of the familiar world.

Note to mom

Here is a very important, albeit purely “technical” warning. All the advice given by psychologists, authors of various books and manuals (including the author of this article) regarding kindergarten is somewhat theoretical. Smooth, soft and unhurried adaptation to kindergarten is an ideal to which one can strive. But in reality, unless you have sufficient financial resources to enroll your child in a private “family” kindergarten (and most of us do not have such opportunities), be prepared for the fact that life will make adjustments to your ideal scheme.

And the first thing you will encounter is the queue. Yes, yes, the good old queue at kindergarten from the time of your own childhood. Just seven or eight years ago, mothers could really slowly move from one kindergarten to another, compare and choose the one that was better.

The birth rate in the country was low, kindergartens were empty and closed, and those that remained afloat were ready to accept almost everyone, regardless of registration in the desired microdistrict. (Nurseries, by the way, have always remained overcrowded, but there are much fewer of them than kindergartens.) Today there are more children, but the number of kindergartens has decreased - precisely in those “childless” years. And you need to register for the simplest, “yard” kindergarten at least a year before the child goes there. With the same gardens that are especially popular in your area, you can safely begin to “make friends” even during pregnancy.

In recent years, this practice has become increasingly common. At the age of two, the child is sent to a nursery, he gets used to it with difficulty, and the parents decide to leave him at home for another year. But under no circumstances do they take away the documents! They persuade the administration to “hold the place” and regularly pay monthly bills in order to maintain the opportunity to send the child to kindergarten without any problems in a year or even two.

So draw your own conclusions. You need to look for a kindergarten in advance, at least a year in advance, ideally even earlier. Be active, don’t expect gifts from fate. While walking the streets with the stroller in which your newborn lies, meet the mothers of older children, find out what kindergartens they go to and whether they are happy with them.

In addition, the Internet can be a great help in finding a good kindergarten. There are ratings of schools and kindergartens on numerous “parental” websites. There you can find reviews about different kindergartens, groups, and development centers. In addition, you will have the opportunity to ask some specific questions and get the necessary advice.

The child doesn’t want to go to kindergarten at all...

Can any child be enrolled in kindergarten?

Doctors, psychologists and parents call some children “non-kindergarten children”. What's behind this definition? Are there really children who, under no circumstances, can adapt to kindergarten?

To be honest, there are probably no such children. The only question is how much effort the child and his parents need to put in for adaptation to kindergarten to take place, and whether these efforts are justified, that is, whether they need to be made.

Based on how kids adapt to kindergarten, they can be divided into three groups.

The first group are children who react to a change in environment with a real nervous breakdown. Frequent colds are almost always added to this.

The second group consists of children who do not show signs of nervous overstrain and “only” begin to get sick often.

The third group is children who get used to kindergarten without any problems or difficulties.

So, every second child belongs to the first or second group. Does this mean that only half of the children who go to kindergarten have a chance to “settle in” there, and all the rest should stay at home until school age? Of course not.

In most cases, adaptation problems are solvable, and it does not require too much time. Kindergarten is stressful for a child, but the stress is completely surmountable. Only the baby definitely needs help to cope with this new and very serious experience. Such a large number of children experiencing difficulties in adapting to kindergarten is largely due to their lack of preparation for a new way of life. You cannot throw a child into an unfamiliar environment, like into water, in the expectation that he will immediately learn to “swim.” It is worth devoting time and attention in advance to preparing for visiting kindergarten, and then your baby will most likely end up in the third, safe group.

Despite all my efforts, the child still cannot get used to kindergarten. What explains this and what can be done?

Indeed, in some cases even careful preliminary work does not help. Despite all your efforts and good intentions, the child continues to protest in one form or another against attending kindergarten. What's the matter?

First of all, the baby may not yet have reached the appropriate age (we discussed this issue in detail above). In addition, as already mentioned, a child's attitude towards kindergarten can be greatly damaged by a bad experience visiting a nursery. A conditioned reflex can be triggered here: even a small child remembers (at least on a subconscious, emotional level) that he has already been within these walls and felt bad. If this is the reason, then it is best to postpone going “out into the world” for some more time (at least for six months), while continuing to maintain contact with the kindergarten during this period - go for walks, make friends on “neutral territory” with someone from the kids who go to the same group.

Difficulties in adjusting to kindergarten may also be due to the child’s temperament. Temperament is an innate characteristic; it cannot be changed, but, unfortunately, it can be suppressed and forcibly distorted. Sanguine children usually adapt to a new environment quite well, but choleric and phlegmatic children often have a hard time. Children with a choleric temperament turn out to be too active and noisy, but slow phlegmatic people can suffer even more - they simply cannot keep up with the others. And in kindergarten it’s important to keep up: eat on time, get dressed or undressed on time, complete some task...

Carefully observe your baby, ask the teacher about how exactly the child spends the day in the group. And if you decide that difficulties in adaptation are associated precisely with a temperament that is “inconvenient” for kindergarten, be sure to discuss this with the teachers. Explain to them that the child behaves in an “inappropriate” way not because he is guilty of something, but because he cannot do otherwise.

Do not hesitate to be persistent and firm, informing the teachers that your phlegmatic little one should under no circumstances be constantly teased, urged, and even more so scolded for being slow. Tell them (and, of course, keep in mind yourself) that under pressure from adults, a phlegmatic child only becomes even more slow and passive.

His nervous system functions in such a way that when there is excessive stimulation, the “emergency braking” is activated, and the child falls into real prostration. But if such a child is not disturbed, he knows how to finish what he starts, is calm and balanced, neat and reliable. As for slowness, it will gradually smooth out as the child grows and develops. The pace of activity of a phlegmatic person will still be somewhat reduced compared to sanguine people and especially choleric people - the pace, but not the effectiveness! While a hasty choleric person will put on all his clothes inside out and upside down twice, and the teacher will finally change his clothes correctly, the phlegmatic child will just have time to fasten all the buttons once, but correctly and accurately, and even, perhaps, tie his shoelaces. All this must be explained to the teachers so that they remember: the less they tug and rush your “slow mover”, the faster he will “straighten out”, get used to the kindergarten environment and begin to have time to do everything he needs.

But what to do with those hasty choleric people who don’t sit still for a second and in general often resemble a small tornado? It is clear that such a temperament does not cause much enthusiasm among kindergarten teachers. But again, it is necessary to talk with the staff and explain that the baby is “rambunctious” not due to a lack of upbringing, but due to innate personality traits. Tell the teachers that it would be good for your “hurricane” child to be involved in some kind of active activity if possible. If he scattered toys, he will probably collect them with the same pleasure and speed - if you ask him and not force him. As a rule, in kindergartens, children are still allowed to move quite freely - to run and jump (they are allowed, if only because it is impossible to force twenty three-year-olds to sit on chairs for a long time and quietly!).

If you come across very strict teachers who require children to stand in one place during walks or walk back and forth in pairs, well, in this case it is best to look for other teachers. (This, by the way, applies not only to the problems of choleric children! Drilling, suppression, and severe restriction of natural activity are harmful for any child, regardless of temperament.)

Finally, when looking for the reasons for your child’s poor adaptability to kindergarten, think about this: do you easily adapt to new conditions? Do you like to be in noisy companies? If a child grows up in a society of closed, less sociable parents, then most likely he himself will prefer quiet games alone. An ordinary crowded kindergarten may indeed be contraindicated for such a child, but at the same time he should under no circumstances be left in isolation! It certainly needs to be “brought into the light”, although this must be done unobtrusively and carefully, in small “doses”. It’s a good idea to place such a “recluse” in a play group where there are few children and where you don’t have to spend the whole day.

Who's better off staying home?

Children who are weakened, often ill (even before any kindergarten!), or children with an unstable nervous system should not be sent to an ordinary, standard kindergarten. This does not mean that such children should not be sent anywhere at all. You just need to take into account that if your baby is not very healthy, this means he is hypersensitive and vulnerable. You need to approach him with special caution, and choose a kindergarten even more carefully than in the case of an “ordinary” (if there are such a thing in the world!) child. There are special health-improving kindergartens, but you should not rely on the name alone: ​​if there are fifteen people in a group and one teacher for two shifts, visiting such a kindergarten will not bring your child much health benefits.

If you don’t plan to spend the next few years on sick leave to care for your child, put off your dreams of a kindergarten for the time being and start “healing” your baby on your own: watch his routine and nutrition, take more walks, if the doctors allow, start tempering him. Try to find opportunities for your child to attend some kind of “development school” or play group at least a couple of times a week. If this is absolutely impossible, at least go out with him so that he can little by little break away from you and learn that the world around him is wide and not dangerous.

Video from Yana Happiness: interview with psychology professor N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be to get married successfully? How many times do men get married? Why are there not enough normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A fairy tale that could not have happened better. Payment for the opportunity to be near a beautiful woman.

Does your child need kindergarten?

One can only be happy for a family whose circumstances are such that they may not send their child to kindergarten. Such families are not uncommon: the father is able to ensure the perfect material well-being of the family; the mother, having no professional ambitions, is not eager for her job and can afford to look after the child for several years - for example, until school; grandparents are happy to take part in the upbringing of their grandson... It is no secret that the quality of home care for a baby, the quality of home education (if it takes place, of course) is somewhat better than kindergarten care and education - better if only because that care and education at home are individual; It’s absolutely wonderful if education is also systematic. However, as practice shows, most families are forced to use the services of a kindergarten.

When deciding whether to send their child to kindergarten or to look for some opportunities to leave the child at home, parents should take into account not only the hypothetical disadvantages of kindergarten, but also its actual advantages.

What pros and cons are we talking about?

First, let's look at the possible disadvantages . Many mothers believe that the quality of child care in kindergarten leaves much to be desired, and motivate this by the fact that one or two nannies are not always able to look after all the children in the group, help them in a timely manner, and fully provide for their needs. Also, some mothers believe that separation from the family traumatizes the psyche of a small child. Yes, of course, all this is not without reason. It can be difficult for one, two or even several nannies to cope with two dozen children. But mothers should never doubt that all children in kindergarten receive guaranteed care - although, perhaps, not always of the same high quality as the mothers themselves would like (in fairness, it should be said that dysfunctional families are not uncommon , in which children do not receive any care at home and are left to their own devices from morning to evening; we will not talk here about flagrant cases of indifferent or even bad attitude towards children). The following view of the problem may also be interesting: a child who, during the first three years of his life, in addition to good care, received high-quality mother’s upbringing, can do a lot on his own and practically does not need the help of a nanny; unless it needs control, general guidance from an adult; So, the baby can dress and undress independently, he can put things in order in his closet, he can wash himself and comb his hair, he can eat himself and neatly put away toys in the playroom, he is able to go to the potty on his own and wipe himself after using the potty, he able to empty and rinse own potty, etc.; if a child cannot do any of the above, then it means that his mother did not teach him this, and she should be offended by herself, and not by the kindergarten nanny, who, busy with other children, did not have time to wash the face of some individual child, and the mother discovered dried remains of fruit puree on this face... A few words regarding possible trauma to the child’s psyche. Changes in life are always a burden on the psyche (and not only for the child). Small changes - small load; Big changes mean big stress. Of course, the first visit to kindergarten, the first separation from his beloved mother is a considerable burden for a child. But this is a load - and nothing more; the load does not become a mental trauma. An experienced kindergarten teacher will try to reduce this burden, will try to distract the child’s attention from the problem - from the fact that the mother was nearby and suddenly she is not. .. the teacher will try to make sure that the problem does not become a disaster for the child; For this purpose, the teacher has a whole arsenal of professional - pedagogical - techniques, and the mother must trust the experience of the teacher. A special disadvantage of kindergarten is that the child starts to get sick, and the mother is already looked at askance at work because of the constant sick leaves, and the child goes to kindergarten for three days - and again gets sick for two weeks, and okay, if there is no quarantine in the kindergarten !

Now let's talk about the real benefits. In kindergarten, in a group environment, a child develops better and faster, both physically and mentally. In their group, children daily and at the same time (which is fixed in the daily routine) perform sets of physical exercises appropriate to their age and in the required volume. Children take hardening procedures (note that many kindergartens are equipped with swimming pools). Children regularly go for walks. Outdoor games are organized for children, providing sufficient load for all muscle groups, which is of great importance for harmonious physical development. Regular visits to the children's group are very important for the good mental development of the baby. Since man is a social being, since his whole life is spent in society (with the support of society and for the benefit of society), it is better for a child to get used to society early. We can say with full responsibility that it is difficult and, perhaps, even impossible for a child raised by his mother, a child deprived of wide communication with other children and with adults other than relatives and neighbors, to become a social being. It is very useful for a child to attend a kindergarten in terms of education. The baby, of course, receives the rudiments of education at home - when he listens to his mother’s fairy tales, listens to music and his mother’s comments on it, when he sculpts and draws, when he paints, looks at pictures, etc. The child begins to receive systematic education according to the approved program in the conditions of the kindergarten. garden Here, professional teachers work with children; Often the child subsequently meets with these same teachers at school - as well as with those children with whom he attended the same group, played the same games, sat at the same table, sat next to him on the potty and was next to him in beds, etc. And It is not surprising that a child who has attended kindergarten has no difficulty in adapting to school - where he knows the teachers, knows the students... and only the walls are different.

Having assessed the pros and cons we have given, mom and dad will draw conclusions and make a decision whether to take the baby to kindergarten or not. Of course, each family makes this important decision (and sometimes a fateful one for the child) individually. Perhaps a four or five year old child will remain at home. In this case, parents must do everything possible to ensure that the child develops physically and mentally, so that he is not deprived of communication with other children. Perhaps it makes sense for these parents to think about the next option - send their child to kindergarten at least a year before school... the child will already be more mature, and the first separation from his mother will not be so painful, and the child will still have enough time to get used to it to the children's team, there will be an opportunity to prepare for school under the guidance of an experienced teacher.

First, it’s worth deciding on the meaning of the word “early.” The period of maternity leave gives you the opportunity to take care of your child on your own. And preschool education does not have compulsory status. That is, around the age of three, it becomes necessary to send the child to kindergarten. Until this time, he has the full “childish” right to his mother’s attention and affection. Now we are not talking about those exceptional cases when, due to circumstances, the mother is forced to go to work early. This is not the norm, there are very few excuses for such a situation. The fact is that everything that the mother managed to give to the child during this period will determine his entire future psychological and physical health. Perhaps the reader is familiar with the book by the Japanese author Masaru Ibuki “After Three It’s Too Late,” which provides phenomenal evidence about the importance of this period in the correct full development of a small person.

The tragedy of the "little man"

There is no one about whom Pushkin, Gogol and Chekhov wrote. We are talking about a person who is so small that he doesn’t need anything else except his mother’s every minute hug. It is important to understand: no matter how innovative, personally oriented preschool education may be in a kindergarten, development center or other similar long-term institution, the lost emotional connection between mother and child can play a negative role. For this reason, many teachers and psychologists call early separation from parents no less than a “tragedy.”
By the age of three, the need to communicate with peers appears; many children gladly accept the group and “break away” from their mother relatively painlessly. These terms are very individual, it all depends on the type of temperament of the child, the characteristics of upbringing, character, and the degree of trust in the adult world. Let’s roughly determine the age at which a child should be sent to a separate children’s community: three years. Of course, there are children who, even at 2 and a half years old, calmly communicate with other children, love crowded places, are sociable and active. But adapting to kindergarten is not always the same as going with your mother to all the “sandboxes” of the city. Compliance with the regime, willingness to obey an adult, and adhere to established norms and rules have nothing to do with carefree games in the yard or attending entertainment events. Psychological readiness is a very individual phenomenon.

A joy not available to everyone

The truly happy children are those who spent their entire preschool childhood at home, attending kindergarten or early development schools, from time to time, more for pleasure than out of necessity. In our society, such a “luxury” is not available to everyone: working grandparents cannot devote time to their child, freeing him from kindergarten for at least one day a week. And the daily “inevitability” of going to the garden ceases to be something joyful for the child. Wise parents, noticing symptoms of fatigue from this adult “obligation” in their child, try to make communication with the child richer, take him out of the institution early, take unscheduled days off, and try to emphasize his importance in any way. Such moments can change a lot; they become the brightest memories of childhood.

Why shouldn't you send your child to kindergarten early?

Children who were sent to a children's educational institution very early (1.8 -2 years) undergo the most difficult adaptation. There are cases when it is not possible to accustom a child to “foreign walls”; usually such children begin to get very sick for a long time, because emotional trauma entails somatic illnesses.

A child who has not developed basic self-care skills (let’s face it: modern parents are in no hurry to teach their children to potty, eat independently, and especially get dressed) feel significant discomfort in the peer group.

Prolonged adaptation does not allow the child to fully participate in classes and specially organized activities.

There are often cases when a child refuses to eat in protest and “fasts” all day while waiting for his parents. Neither parents, nor a teacher or a psychologist are able to reverse such a situation if it has emotional roots. The teacher will not force-feed, unclenching the jaws, even at the request of the parents; this is unhealthy. And being in the garden for 8 hours without food is unacceptable.

Contrary to the belief that in a group where the rest of the children are older, the child will follow them, making huge strides in development, the youngest ones become unpopular and cannot participate in general play activities.

When sending your child to kindergarten early, you should weigh all the factors and make a decision, understanding all the responsibility. Arguments like “I can’t cope with him at home anymore” don’t count. This is your child, if the mother cannot cope with him, how can the teacher cope with 15-20 children in a group? How do you plan to cope when he is 13-16 years old? It is enough to love a child and spend time with him sincerely and with soul, without worrying that they could have washed or cooked something instead. Time spent playing and communicating with the baby is the most valuable and important. It's a pity that understanding comes too late.

This question is a sign of modern times; parents began asking it by historical standards quite recently. In Soviet times, almost all children were sent to kindergarten (from 3 years old), and some were sent to nurseries (from 2 months old). Discussions on this topic were not even expected: the society of those times was aimed at the implementation of collective conscious creativity, mother and father had to work. Those who did not work were considered parasites and could be punished with correctional labor for up to 4 years. So the only alternative to kindergarten was perhaps grandparents of retirement age.

The seemingly unshakable system failed at the end of the 20th century. The social system, value system, and outlook on life, including private and family life, have changed. The effectiveness of Montessori pedagogy, which was introduced as an experiment in some state kindergartens, was tested on the generation of the 1990s. At the same time, private kindergartens were opened with an individual approach to each child; finally, some mothers had the opportunity not to work, to take care of the house and children.

Parents, who in the recent past wore pioneer ties and Komsomol badges, were turning into a new middle class before our eyes and deciding where to go or not to go for their child, quickly and under their full responsibility. The opinion of society was not taken into account, and there was no longer a single opinion for everyone.

Parents' decisions are often influenced by their own experiences in kindergarten.

Free choice, including about where and with whom the child is, has taken strong roots. And it brought mixed results. Because the children grew up, both those who were raised at home and those who went to kindergarten - regular or experimental - had different ideas about how to communicate, how to relate to themselves and others. And it is sometimes difficult for them to negotiate with each other.

Despite these difficulties, the era of the only path is over forever. And today, at the end of the second decade of the 21st century, parents have a wide choice: state kindergartens are still operating, to which there is still a queue, although now it is electronic. Private kindergartens have opened, including those where parents themselves determine how many children there are in the group, what they will do during the day and what menu they will have. Children's clubs with a program for early child development appeared, as well as kindergartens based on various pedagogical trends that were widely recognized abroad.

The decision which of these options to prefer is influenced by the financial situation in the family, the location of the preschool institution (although some are ready to take their children to the other end of the city), and the advice of friends. But often the decision is influenced not by rational, but by emotional factors: the parents’ own childhood experience. Two mothers who are now deciding whether to send their child to kindergarten shared their stories with us. And we asked psychologists to comment on their stories.

For: “I want my daughter to learn to cope with difficulties”

Daria, 23 years old, daughter Anna 2 years old

“My husband thinks that there is no need to send the child to kindergarten. Grandparents are ready to sit with the baby; they say there is no need to “torment” their granddaughter. But I myself went to kindergarten at the age of 3.5, and it was an experience of survival. I was sent to a Montessori class group, there were children of different ages. Two five-year-old boys began to scare me with stories that my mother died and the house burned down. I was afraid, cried, but didn’t tell my mother. I dealt with the offenders within a year.

Once, at nap time, their beds were next to mine, and for two hours I pushed one in the side and pulled the hair of the other. As soon as they tried to answer, the teacher turned towards the noise. Afterwards they complained about me, and the next day, during nap time, my bed was pushed into the middle of the bedroom as punishment. I didn’t sleep a wink, I thought it was a shame, and I was preparing for the fact that everyone would turn their backs on me. But she felt that she had taken revenge on the offenders, even at such a cost. And what happened next amazed me. Almost everyone came up and respectfully asked what it was like to endure the punishment.

From that moment I felt strength in myself and became a leader. The children wanted to be friends and sought my attention. I think I will send my daughter to kindergarten. I want her to learn to cope with difficulties.”

Child psychologist Tatyana Bednik:“This story contains violence not only from children (intimidation), but also from the teacher (public punishment). And it’s just a happy coincidence that the girl not only withstands bullying, but becomes a leader in the group. But it could have been different: cases of this kind often lead to a mental breakdown.

The complexity of the Montessori system is that it is not customary to help children who do not ask. In this case, it is assumed that the older guys take care of the younger ones. Whether this will happen in reality depends on the teacher. It’s good when parents, when choosing where to send their child, pay attention not only to the pedagogical system, but also to the reviews of other mothers and fathers. It is useful not only to read them on the site where they are moderated, but also to talk with parents and see what the children and teachers look like.

After your child goes to kindergarten, it is important to pay attention to his mood. Talk to him: is he having fun, is he interested in how he communicates with other children, with teachers, what he likes. And of course, it is very important what kind of relationship a child has with his parents: if he trusts them, he is more likely to talk about grievances and find support.”

Clinical psychologist Diana Pshibieva:“Daria’s story is a resourceful one. This means that as a child she had the strength and internal capabilities to overcome the situation. Bullying is not uncommon in day care centers. And children react to them differently, including they can lead to psychological trauma, which is dangerous for the formation of personality.

What’s surprising about Daria’s story is that the girl thought she could cope with the problem. This can be explained by a combination of factors: genetic (stable type of nervous system) and family (we can assume that the family situation did not cause additional stress). The girl also had a personal resource - a latent desire to become a leader.

Please note an important point. The girl doesn't say anything to her mother. We, parents, of course, want to know what is happening with the child. But he may not be telling everything. What should I do? In cases where a child experiences stress, he projects this state onto the game - in it children experience real emotions. And if you notice that there are disturbing factors in the games, such as aggression, then this is a signal: you need to find out more about what is bothering the child.”

Against: “I’m afraid that my son will be lonely”

Ksenia, 29 years old, son Denis is 4 years old

“I am categorically against kindergarten. Nowhere and never have I felt such loneliness as in kindergarten. My mother gave me up very early, from the age of 2.5, and from that age I never felt that she was interested in my life, not only in the garden, but in general. I was completely left to my own devices. In principle, no one offended me, but I did not feel comfortable. Mom didn’t talk to me, didn’t play. Now I have a child myself, and we are always together, from birth. And we walk, and sculpt, and draw, we recently went to the sea for two months. My son is fine with me. And my mother still doesn’t talk to me, although I give Denis to her for the weekend and I have to make contact.”

Tatiana Bednik:“Any extremes are bad, this is already skewed. The child needs socialization; by school he needs to develop general rules of behavior and gain experience of living in society. A person who does not know how to exist in a group, who does not communicate or has very little contact with peers at the age of three or more, faces difficulties in the future. Over time, his personal assessment may be either too high or, conversely, too low.”

Diana Pshibieva:“The question of whether or not to send her son to the garden is connected for Ksenia with the mental trauma of childhood, where the garden is a place of exile, renunciation of maternal love. Therefore, she protects her son from this place and tries with all her might to fill the child’s space with herself. The problem here is that we cannot give to others what we do not have ourselves.

A kindergarten for a child is an opportunity to find friends, learn to respond to conflicts and seek compromise

If Ksenia did not know and does not know her mother’s love, there is a risk of not knowing what love for a child really is. She is trying to offer him what she lacked - constant, close communication, but perhaps the boy needs something else. In addition, a child who lives constantly at home, without competition, without communication with peers, is under the admiring glances of loving relatives, subsequently faces at school the fact that no one considers him to be either special or a genius. And this is already a pretty serious blow to self-esteem.”

Which solution is optimal?

Both psychologists are inclined to believe that kindergarten provides useful social skills and initial knowledge. Speech therapist Margarita Khvataeva agrees with this: “Many children in a group eat better and dress independently. Speech therapists, defectologists, and psychologists work with them. They offer a systematic education program, but many parents find it difficult to teach their child themselves, especially if he is distracted and asks to turn on a cartoon or give him a gadget. For a child, kindergarten is also an opportunity to make friends, learn to respond to conflicts and seek compromise.”

At the same time, the most important question remains - which kindergarten to choose, with which education system. Probably all parents would like the atmosphere there to be friendly and open. After all, conflicts arise in any team, since the interests of different individuals inevitably meet in it, and a child is an independent person, says child psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto. And the experience of resolving conflicts without violence, intimidation and humiliation can be just as important for a child's growing up as the knowledge that he receives.