You are my punishment! Novosibirsk and Novosibirsk region: latest news, objective analysis, current comments Children's drawings belt is not a method of education.

Condition No. 1

You need to return to a state of unconditional acceptance of your child. In his head, already capable of analysis, there must be absolute confidence that you love him unconditionally. What it is? This means without any conditions! Regardless of what grades he gets, how he behaves at school, how well he keeps his room tidy, and how often he washes his hands. In his soul, even on the horizon, the thought should not appear that because of a quarter “C” in mathematics, his mother will love him less. And for him to know about this, it makes sense to find the appropriate words and bring this thought to his consciousness. Believe me, as soon as such confidence settles in the child’s head, it will become much easier to come to an agreement with him.

Your child is already familiar with the state of unconditional love - most children experience it, this love, in the so-called “pre-evaluation” period of their existence, i.e. in infancy. But the older the child grows, the more demands are placed on him... The stage of endless admiration for all his actions is replaced by another stage: his actions begin to be evaluated.

Condition No. 2

The second important condition for applying punishment to a child is the presence of rewards and praise. Contrary to the opinion of many, it is almost impossible to overpraise a child. Just like petting a cat. Any living creature will always enjoy “stroking” (praise and approval). The cause of unwanted and destructive behavior in children very often lies in the lack of the right amount of praise. Surprised? Let's figure it out.

The belt is not a method of education
Alexander Oleshko: “One bang and a psychodrama for life”
As a child, my mother enveloped me with such love, such attention, such incredible affection, such a magical world that the only time she took a belt in her hand was a tragedy for her. I remember how she sat for an hour, whispering: “Mom can’t hit children!”
After first grade, she brought me to Moscow for good grades and exemplary behavior. I did something wrong at Children's World. She sat down... I sat down next to her and said: “But you won’t punish me, because mom can’t beat children!” This was, one might say, my first parody.
I had some absolutely trusting, warm relationship with her. Sometimes I even wanted her to hit me, or something. Instead of spending two or three hours explaining that this is bad, this is good. It was so difficult for me! I thought: “Lord, someone has it easy!” Bach - that's all, and off he went. But this one “bang”, even once in a lifetime, can cause psychological trauma to a child, which turns into his psychodrama for the rest of his life.
I know a woman who remembers all her life how her mother hit her for not doing the right thing, sweeping up the trash... She cannot forgive her!
It's horrible. It's like swallowing a nail and eating, talking, loving and everything else with this nail all your life. So, parents, cancel this rather primitive, painful and, in principle, useless method of education.

Ekaterina Strizhenova: “I was jealous of my friend who was beaten by her parents”
My parents never beat me. And I must admit, I was jealous of my school friend Tatyana (we are still dating). She was beaten for bad grades, for any offense. I envied her. “How great!” it seemed to me. “They gave you a belt and you went for a walk.” I was always seated at the negotiating table. With their heartbreaking conversations, my parents put pressure on my consciousness. It was such a measure of responsibility! You just couldn't do anything wrong.
Quite early on, my husband Sasha began to look after me. One day my mother found his cigarettes in my jacket. She looked at me like that!.. I said: “Mom, these are not mine.” And she didn't have a shadow of a doubt. By the way, I still don’t smoke. This is the truth: if a child is trusted, if he is treated as an adult, independent person, he tries very hard not to let his parents down. I don’t know how, I’ll tell you honestly. Because I have two daughters. I'm afraid that if I had lifted the belt on them (laughs), I wouldn't be sitting here. My husband madly loves his girls - Alexandra and Anastasia... These are the main women in his life, in addition to his mother and wife.
Of course, everything comes from the family - norms of behavior, boundaries of what is permitted and what is not permitted. We see the attitude of mom to dad, dad to mom, parents to themselves. And we build our lives accordingly. Therefore, we must not allow the belt as a method of education to continue to wander from generation to generation.

As a rule, parents praise their children much less often than they scold them. When your child behaves well (for example, quietly and peacefully builds a city from a construction set) and does not interfere with your business, you do not run into the room and start praising him for it. But if he shoots a pistol at the window, your reaction will be immediate. That is, if his behavior is good, you simply don’t pay attention to him, but if he behaves badly, you pay him and how! But the child is important and needs your attention. And if he has no (or very little) experience of being paid attention to for his good behavior, then the only way to get it immediately remains... That's right, bad behavior.

Another negative consequence of the lack of praise for good deeds is the fading of motivation to do good things! Let's say a child studied in first grade with almost only straight A's. Parents got used to this and began to take it for granted. And then the child brings a “four” or, God forbid, a “three”... A violent reaction and even punishment immediately follows from the parents. Where's the justice? Why do most parents tend to rate the bad rather than the good?

Only if you agree to accept the two conditions described above can we talk about punishments. Again, anything must be built on a foundation of unconditional love and the right amount of praise and approval.

Bilateral agreement
When the child turns 8-9 years old, it makes sense to discuss and agree with him on the rules of behavior and punishments. It is easier for the baby to comply with agreements developed jointly. Include punishments for adult family members in your set of rules. For example, if you didn’t keep your promise (didn’t read a story before bed, etc.), then...

Fairly, consistently, with love...

Unfortunately, it is absolutely impossible to do without punishment. But in order to minimize the cases when it is required, parents (educators) must strictly adhere to... the basic rules of punishment.

Punishment must be fair

Here, for example, is a fairly typical situation. On the way to school, the child took off his hat in cold weather. Mom, seeing this through the window, reprimands him and demands that he put on his hat. The child agrees. The next day the situation repeats itself. But this time, seeing the child without a hat, the indignant mother raises her voice at him, says offensive words, and as punishment does not let him go out after school. From the outside, mom’s behavior looks quite logical. She worries about the health of her baby and punishes him by depriving him of the opportunity to go outside.

Whether this punishment is considered fair or not depends on one detail. If in the previous (first situation) the mother simply pointed out to the child the need to put on a hat, and now punishes him for taking it off again, this will be offensive and unfair for the baby. It will be fair if after the first incident a conversation took place between them in which the mother “announced the rules of the game.” As an option: if I sent you to school wearing a hat, then you cannot take it off yourself (without my special permission); If you do this, I won’t let you go for a walk in the yard in the evening. And it’s even better if the requirement is supported by an explanation to the baby about the need to wear a hat in winter and why the mother will have to punish him if this requirement is violated. It is important that the child understands the essence of what is happening, and not just fulfill the mother’s request and put on a hat. There is no need to count on the fact that his thinking is already sufficiently mature and he will draw the necessary conclusion on his own.

Use "I" statements
A great way to reduce conflict is to use “I” statements. “I-statements” are when, instead of blaming the child starting with the word “you” (you behave ugly, you scattered toys, you made me angry), talk only about your feelings. “It really bothers me that the TV is so loud,” “I’m worried that it’s already evening and my homework hasn’t been done yet,” “I’m very upset because of your bad grade,” “I worry when...” This magical method has an amazing effect on children. Any accusation forces you to defend yourself and resist. And by using “I statements,” you stop blaming the child. You let your child know how you feel. And in most cases, such information serves as a signal to him that his beloved mother or beloved father is suffering. Believe me, the child who loves you does not want to cause you suffering, therefore, with such motivation, changing behavior; will happen much faster.

A punished child should not feel deprived of parental love.

This is perhaps the most difficult rule to implement. In order to implement it, you need to talk more with the child and spare no time in explaining why this or that action is bad, why it should not be done. You should not punish your child for committing a negative act for the first time. This should only be done if the child has already been informed that he will be punished for such behavior.

Parents' demands must be consistent.

Do not shout at me
Sometimes parents express their dissatisfaction and indignation with their child’s actions by “simply” yelling at him. For some reason, such “self-expression” of parents is not considered a punishment: after all, there is only screaming, there are no demands or sanctions. Meanwhile, the child perceives parental screaming as punishment, experiencing the same, if not greater, emotional overload as with other types.

Pavel Sokolov: “To be separated from the computer will be more severe than a belt!”
You know, I will still send my belt for eternal storage in a special promotion chest. With all the ensuing consequences. Although, to be honest, I think that children under five years old are very difficult to manage. This should be done by specially trained people. Children can sometimes be annoying, really, really annoying.
About my childhood I will say that I did not receive a belt from my dad. Although once he could: he had already taken it off himself. I shouted that it was very painful: “Dad, don’t! I saw on TV that you shouldn’t do that!” He was frightened by my scream, pulled the belt away, but still hit me with his palm, after which I understood everything.
But at school I received a pointer on the head from the teacher. When I was spinning around a lot. But I somehow translated everything into a joke. As a result, the whole class began to laugh, and the teacher, by the way, too...
Why, tell me, should adults engage in assault? You need to be able to negotiate with a child. Say, for example, to him: “You have five minutes to play on the computer.” Or, conversely, as a punishment (more severe than a belt!), take away his opportunity to play on the computer.

Example 1

The girl loves to play with her mother's cosmetics. Usually she gets scolded for this. But if mom is passionate about correspondence on the Internet, then rummaging through mom’s bag is allowed - as long as she doesn’t get in the way! It is logical to assume that, being punished for examining a cosmetic bag (when mom is not busy with the computer), the girl will feel offended and perceive everything as injustice.

Example 2

A tired, irritated father, coming home from work, attacks his son for the toys scattered on the floor. Moreover, in other situations, when there is no source of irritation in his own state, he does not pay any attention to it. Thus, the son suffers due to the internal problems of the father.

In such situations, confusion arises in the child's mind due to the inconsistent behavior of the parents. There should not be situations in which a child may or may not receive punishment for the same actions. This, by the way, also applies to incentive situations. Insulting the child’s personality and attaching “labels” (stupid, klutz, idiot) are also very important. Remember the old wisdom: whatever you name the yacht, that’s how it will float.

How will we educate?

Well, now it’s time to get acquainted with what is “on the punishment market” and tell how this or that type of influence on a child will affect him.

Parents are different too

All parents, depending on their preferred parenting style, can be divided into two groups:
Soft parents
They prefer to raise a child without upsetting him. Such mothers and fathers strive to develop the desired behavior in children with the help of exhortations and explanations. Due to their own characteristics, they cannot bear the role of an enemy for their child, even if only for a very short time.
Even the word itself is not entirely applicable to the punishments used by this group of parents. However, there comes a moment when the child “overflows its banks” and the tolerant mother or father clutches their head, realizing that the previous methods of influencing the child are no longer sufficient. Often, with this style of parenting, the child “sits on the neck.”
Authoritarian parents
They demand complete submission to themselves and, without ceremony, punish children for even the slightest deviations in their behavior. This position is dangerous because it can lead to anger and aggressiveness in the child. Sometimes both models of upbringing are applied to a child within the same family (mom is soft, dad is authoritarian), which, of course, does not lead to anything good. Parents (and everyone involved in raising a child) should agree among themselves on the measures of influence on the little person, in which cases what types of punishment will be applied (and which will never be applied!), and strictly observe this agreement.

Disgraceful punishments

They humiliate self-esteem and personal dignity, especially if there is a public discussion of the child’s misdeeds. Sooner or later, the child’s hidden aggression and resentment will come out.

Labeling and offensive name calling

It is unacceptable to call a child stupid, rubbish, incompetent, etc. Such words seriously lower his self-esteem and emotionally alienate him from his parents.

Alexander Buinov: “Carrot and stick policies do not bring results”
I had a very happy childhood. I say this without humor, seriously. But one day my mother decided to give me a “worldwide spanking.” At that time I only experienced humiliation in front of the girls (we lived in a communal apartment on Tishinka). Being in front of them without pants is worse than being beaten with a belt. I remember this humiliation for the rest of my life. But I continued to do what I was punished for anyway. Because a belt is not a method of education. Much worse is psychological trauma.
Probably everyone has dogs, right? I have been consciously involved with dogs since I was 13 years old, I even studied at a special school for dog breeders. So, raising animals is very similar to raising children. The carrot and stick policy does not bring results. If a dog is beaten, then it grows up to be your secret enemy and someday it will definitely take revenge on you. So are children. If they are beaten with a belt and physically punished, they will then punish their parents when they are weak, like children. This, unfortunately, happens not so rarely...

Ignoring

This type of punishment consists of not noticing the offending child, not talking to him, avoiding eye contact, behaving as if he were not there at all, and talking about him in his presence in the third person. This method is often used by “gentle parents” as a last resort measure of punishment. Keep in mind that ignoring is effective only when there is close emotional contact between the child and the parent and the child is afraid of losing it.

Authoritarian order

Such punishments include the famous “corner” and other types of restrictions on children’s activity. It makes sense to resort to an authoritarian order in cases of serious violations of the rules of conduct that can lead to serious consequences (for example, injuries). And the child must know in advance what punishments of this kind will follow (for example, fights between children, etc.).

Limiting rights, adding responsibilities

“You are forbidden to play the console for two days”, “today you will not be able to go to visit Misha”, “tomorrow you will have to vacuum the entire apartment”... Are these familiar phrases? Well, they are not prohibited, but it will be better if there is a preliminary agreement with the child about such punishments. For example: “if after finishing the game you don’t put away the toys, then...” Or: “if the agreed time spent at the computer is exceeded, then the next day you don’t turn it on at all.” At the same time, it is important to make your conditions exactly the rules that the child knows about in advance. Eventually he will learn that every time he does something undesirable, there will be certain consequences.

This group also includes punishments associated with depriving the child of any pleasures (for example, dessert if he ate pasta with his hands), or toys (if they were scattered), or going to the movies. However, even here you need to remember that the child must be aware of the “rules of the game” and know for what offenses he may be deprived of pleasures. Children react painfully when the rules “change as the game progresses.” They are usually sensitive enough to understand when you are just looking for an excuse to give up on your promise (to go to the movies). To maintain a trusting relationship, it is better to refer to poor health than to begin to recall the child’s misdeeds.

Rules for punishment
Don't skip or delay punishments. It must immediately follow the offense. The child needs to realize the unconditionality of the rule you have established. Give punishments in a calm voice and friendly tone.
Do not use unfounded accusations, the illegality of which a little person cannot protest (“You are the same as your father,” “Nothing worthwhile will grow out of you,” etc.). In such situations, the child feels humiliated, not punished.
Never play on your child's weaknesses - for example, don't leave him locked in a dark bathroom, knowing that he is afraid of the dark. This kind of punishment can cause irreparable damage to his psyche.

Physical punishment

This type of punishment makes sense to apply only when all other methods of influence have been exhausted: persuasion, explanation of the unacceptability of the corresponding behavior, depriving the child of any pleasures. It must be clearly understood that physical punishment is unacceptable in relation to adolescents, as well as children whose undesirable behavior is due to illness (for example, enuresis, hyperactivity syndrome, etc.). Although, by and large, those parents who consider physical influence on any child unacceptable never and under any circumstances are right.

Count to ten!

Most parents worry if they “lost it” and unfairly punished their child. Having come to their senses, they feel guilty before him. The consequence of this may be gifts, relaxations in the regime and other actions characteristic of a guilty person. You can understand parental outbursts - after all, they are connected not only with the child’s act of disobedience, but also with our own emotions, state - we are all living people! But anyone can significantly reduce the number of such outbreaks. Try to use a proven method more often - mentally count to 10 before reacting in one way or another to your child’s unwanted behavior. Counting to 10 is approximately 5 seconds. Believe me, a lot can change during this time. Our brain, capable of performing millions of operations per second, will have time to evaluate the meaning of what happened, be in the shoes of the offender and, perhaps, choose another action instead of screaming or physical punishment.

It makes sense to learn endurance for one more reason. Children skillfully play on such states of their parents, using their frayed nerves. They know how to skillfully bring dad to the point where he “goes too far,” knowing that they must wait for the “explosion.” Because after that he will go to the store and bring chips or allow you to watch TV until the night. Having learned to restrain your first emotions, you will be able to avoid such manipulations from your beloved sons and daughters.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness means that you will never remember your child’s offense and use it as a “trump card” in future disagreements. A child, before asking for forgiveness, must know exactly what he did wrong. It's better if he formulates it himself. Therefore, every time a child asks for forgiveness, it is important to ask him a question: what exactly are you asking him for? You may be surprised by the answer... It's also worth asking your child: "What will you do next time?" When you hear the correct answer, praise. And be prepared to ask your son or daughter for forgiveness yourself, especially if you could not restrain yourself, shouted or used force. Some parents believe that asking a child for forgiveness is a sign of weakness in front of their children. In fact, by apologizing, you will show your strength and set a good example of how to do it.

Reed stimulus
In the last century, discipline and methods of achieving it in Russian school classes seemed strict to society, although they differed significantly from those that existed, for example, in England and Germany. This can be judged from the following experience.
A certain teacher, Mrs. Erikanova from Nizhny Novgorod, was sent abroad by the City Government in 1908. There she became acquainted with the organization of primary education for children. After her business trip, Erikanova told how she was surprised by the unquestioning discipline in the class. The German teacher told her that teachers have a good way of arousing the attention of schoolchildren to activities in class.
In each class there were... reed sticks one and a half to two arshins long, stored in classroom cabinets. At the right moment, the teacher, without shouting or unnecessary tension, quite calmly showed the stick to the children, after which they all, as one, became quiet and followed his explanations.
There was another simple punishment. The offending student was put in a corner and left in the classroom after class. The child naturally wanted to move, play, walk, but he could only watch his peers, restraining his impulses.
When teaching little Germans, the main thing was work in the classroom. There were very few independent homework assignments. During classes, the children tried very hard and carefully attended educational institutions. If, by chance, there were unauthorized absences, then the parents of the students were threatened with a fine. Owners or craftsmen whose students were required to go to school were also subject to a similar fine. In the event that a school fine was not paid (for reasons of principle or monetary insufficiency), the adult culprit could be imprisoned for a period specified by law. These rules developed in German schools over many decades. In German society in this regard, in the 1870s, even an aphorism was born that it was not the army, but a German schoolteacher who defeated France in the just ended war.

Discussion

Thank you for the article! Very useful. At least for me, the mother of a one and a half year old child. I will save it and re-read it periodically.

For a little girl, dad is practically “God”. What happens when "God" strikes?

A look at the consequences of using a belt to “educate” a girl from a male psychologist from experience working with adult clients.

A topic that for some reason is not usually discussed in the press or publishing houses. It depends on us whether we can change something in the “usual” methods of education and break the cycle of violence in at least some families.

I won’t repeat myself, let’s go straight to the nuances, what is special about using a belt to “educate” a girl and what is different from spanking a boy.

Nature has released it in such a way that female energy is more accepting, and male energy is more giving. This is how the race is extended, life is given to the Living. Yin and Yang. Shakti and Shiva. Maternal energy creates comfort, acceptance, protects what is inside. Paternal energy protects from external threats, supports development, prepares for external life and Challenges. Both mother and father can take on these functions, since both energies are present in us - remember the monad, where they flow into each other.

However, the girl will grow biologically into a woman, a future mother, giving birth and nurturing the child in her body. The boy must grow into a man who will provide protection and support to the woman during pregnancy, breastfeeding, and caring for the child. That is, they have different tasks and their parents’ attitude towards them will also be different.

The boy is prepared for challenges, struggle, and extraction of resources. That is, deprivations, restrictions, battles, injuries - this will all be part of his everyday life, this will be his initiation into adulthood. Violence from the father, spanking in the form of “education”, can already be perceived by a boy as a challenge, as a way to endure difficulties, as the first step towards victory, even through defeat. “When I grow up, I’ll give back.”

Another question is how the child will grow up emotionally, what will happen to his feelings and experiences. Remember? "I'm an old soldier and I don't know the words of love." The competition between father and son is about those same “measuring their pipsies”. Traumatic, but still surmountable, even with your own resources in adulthood. It is clear that a father can “kill” his son’s strength, turn him into a “rag,” but this requires a lot of effort and clearly this is no longer “education”, but “breaking.”

A girl doesn’t need to be so prepared for challenges, for overcoming physical suffering and trauma, in order to move through life. Fighting is not her main task.

Now let’s imagine that the father physically or morally, through verbal aggression, puts pressure on the girl, as he considers “educating.” Like any living creature, when attacked, when pain or pressure is caused, the girl will have no choice but to try to defend herself and defend herself. Animals bite, scratch, and if that doesn’t work, they run away. Or rather, they first run away, and if they couldn’t, then they fight.

What opportunities does a girl have to escape from her family? Run away from the “educator” father, who is clutching his belt? Where to run? First to my mother. What does her mother usually say to her? What will the mother do? Here are the options for traumatic development. He will defend, turn away, take the child and leave the house, scold the girl, cry and urge her to be patient, etc., etc. This is usually sorted out with the client, because it all leaves a mark on the psyche. Especially if the situation was repeated many times.

What is healthy mother behavior? "Take off the belt! Don't you dare hit the child!"- if the husband is sober. And grab the children and run out if the husband is drunk and aggressive. It is no better if, in front of the children, the father beats their mother. The injury is not the weakest, especially if in front of a boy.

What's next? Conversation between wife and husband, WITHOUT CHILDREN! About the fact that if he tries to hit her again, she will get a divorce and he will communicate with the children only by court order in an environment that is safe for them.

But, this is if you don’t consider a belt or punches to be “normal” upbringing. And if there is, of course, somewhere to go. It happens that you need time and resources to leave. Sympathize with the child and ask him for forgiveness that you, as a mother, cannot give him security. Physical safety - after all, this is HIS body and NO ONE has the right to hurt it. Even for educational purposes.

So why is father violence so traumatic for girls? And “education” with a belt is physical violence, since it violates the physical integrity of the child’s skin and soft tissues. Even just DEMONSTRATION of a belt is violence, since the child will complete the picture of horror in his head when he gets hit in the body with a belt. Fear will turn your father into a monster and yourself into a victim. “Obedience” will be precisely out of fear, and not out of UNDERSTANDING the situation. This is training!!!

For a little girl, dad is practically “God”. Strong, decisive and capable. Capable of moving mountains. He is the guarantor of security and prosperity. He's a man! He is different from his mother. He is the object of worship, he is the one from whom she wants to hear that she is a “princess”. That same “reliable back and support” that women then dream of, looking for it in men. 15 kg of a girl and 80 kg of a father, compare the size of the hands, imagine the father’s hands on which the child rests. His hands cover almost his entire back!!! With such support, nothing in the world is scary!

Except for one thing, if these hands take the belt, hit with this hand, throw insulting words like “whore and b*tch, just like your mother.” Or they openly declare “shut up, don’t push yourself, now you’ll get it, you’ll finish the game,” vividly painting a picture of how this is embodied in a girl’s brain if she has already had experience of violence. Many describe that even just their father’s scream was “enough” for them - their whole body was paralyzed and they were scared out of their wits.

Why is that? But because those same strong hands can hit, hurt, throw away, crush and even strangle. Your “God” is killing you. At this moment, the girl’s whole world collapses, because the world betrays her. The world is a scary place and there is no protection from an angry “God.”

Dad turns from a protector into an aggressor. But if in the life of animals they fight with the aggressor, then how to fight with dad “God”? Bite? Scratch? Many girls try, but how will it most likely end? “Oh, are you still scratching? Well, you’ve done it!” And then the girl realizes that her defense has backfired on her. It’s better not to fight when someone stronger and scarier is nearby.

So she grew up, became a teenager, a strong man pinned her in an elevator, pushed her into a car, strangled her in a passage. What does the child's decision suggest to her? Most likely, “give up, otherwise it will be worse.” Indeed, there are situations, a gun to your head, for example, where surrender is justified, but in most situations there are nails, teeth, elbows, and squealing, and you can break free and run away. Shall we say “thank you, dad” for raising us with a belt and slaps?

If the mother did not protect, then the girl will most likely live inside the conclusion that there is no protection from a man’s aggression, that he can behave as he wants and nothing will happen to him for it. In one of the options, the future wife is beaten by her husband, “raising” her as a wife, because this is the “NORM” of life. And just as her own mother once did not take her away from her aggressor father, so now she does not “take herself away” from her aggressor husband. I've trained myself.

But another reaction may also work. The girl didn't break! I gathered all my energy, pain, will into a fist and promised myself to never give up, to endure everything! Are there really positive qualities in our society? I agree, for adults facing the real world. And for a child aged 3-5 years. Well, maybe a little older... If you want to get ready, what about relaxing? Should we accept that the World is a safe place, and not a place where they just “survive”?

And here the girl goes into “pumping up” the role, the archetype of a female warrior, an Amazon. Women fighting for justice, for the rights of the offended, defending other women, and themselves. Where it is necessary and where it is not really necessary. Among the Olympian gods it is called the "Artemis archetype". According to myth, she competes with her brother Appallon in shooting accuracy. In response to his challenge to shoot a doe very far away, she shoots and kills... but not the deer, but her lover.

Symbolically, this means that the girl is overwhelmed by masculine energy, “measuring her pussy” and killing Love. The author of the book “Goddesses in Every Woman,” Jean Shinoda Bohlen, classifies Artemis as a “virgin goddess,” one of three who finds it difficult to build a normal relationship with a man. And what kind of relationship is it if a girl decides not to give up, to always be a warrior and not yield to men in anything? Remember about “receiving energy”? After all, she will “fight” with her man for power, for justice. When is it time to “surrender”?

Well, about “Papa God”. Will the girl grow up and how will she see the Yang, masculine part of Divinity? What will she project onto the figure of God the Father? Most likely punishing, “educating” dad with a belt. The feeling of guilt that “I’m doing something wrong, since my beloved dad gets angry and grabs the belt” will most likely turn into “sin”, guilt before the Lord. And he will feel “an all-punishing, punishing God.”

This will have little to do with religion, since there is no contact with a Higher Power, God, but a stuck projection onto a strong father figure. Still, God the Father cares about us as about his flock. Or fair, at least. I don’t want to go deep into a topic in which I’m not an expert. But there will definitely be no contact between a mature woman and that which is Higher, stronger, more powerful. Again, it can get into an argument if there is a lot of Artemis energy. Well, what kind of humility is there? Where can he come from if there is a continuous “overbearing father” around. And without humility, how can you overcome extreme situations, grief, losses, challenges? Who and what to rely on?

But still, about girls. What is important for a girl, woman, wife in a relationship? Love, acceptance, a man's admiring look. She wants to be a Queen for her King. Rule their family's kingdom together. The girl wants to be a princess for her dad, she wants her dad to admire her and say that “you are the most beautiful, you are a princess!” And the girl “falls in love” with her dad, even wants to marry him. We are talking about an age around 3.5-5 years; body-oriented psychologists call this the “structure of sexuality.”

Psychoanalysts call the “Electra complex” the competition between a girl and her mother for the right to “possess” her father. The girl wants her dad to belong to her, to be her “husband.” There is no talk of any sex here, because during this period, gender identity begins to form, the girl understands more clearly that she is a future woman. Her body begins to blossom, the girl falls in love very childishly and

The development of both teenage love and the ability to love maturely depends on this period. And this “object of love” suddenly turns into a monster with a belt, or gives strong slaps, or threatens, or “just” yells. For him, she is no longer a “princess”, but a troublemaker, practically a criminal who must be punished. She is forced to continue to “love” this monster. And even if he is not 100% right, then out of love for him, she may not admit it inside her psyche.

And, as I described in my example, if love is painful in childhood, a person will encounter “painful love” in adulthood. Either he doesn’t know otherwise, or in order to “outplay” and get something that isn’t painful, or to completely avoid relationships in which there is love. What kind of husband might the girl whose father beat, screamed, and “raised with a belt” turn out to be?

There may be different options. In psychology they are often called “scenarios”; there are many of them. Two typical: either very similar to his father, domineering and aggressive, or “neither fish nor fowl”, so as not to lay a finger on him. The last option, as it was with my clients, is very deceptive. It doesn’t seem to be aggressive, but it may well be “passive aggression”. He doesn’t really earn money, he sits at home, doesn’t go out, drinks, teases, devalues, quarrels with friends and parents. That is, it “punishes”, but not directly. And it pisses me off.

Very often, clients whose father “raised” them through force confuse uncontrollable aggression and real masculine Strength. The need as a woman to be close to a Strong man remains, but in the wounded psyche there is no other model than the “man with a belt.” The man raises his voice a little, turns on the power a little, and on the horizon is the whistle of a belt or a blow with a hand. Where do relationships come from here? As a result, there is a “weapon man” nearby who just infuriates you. By the way, if he drinks, he might even grab an axe.

And one more thing. If a father turns from a protector into an aggressor, then what will a grown-up girl expect from men? Stable behavior? Accepting her as she is? Forgiving mistakes? Supporting her where she finds it difficult? Will she even need a man next to her to cope with difficulties in the modern world? Especially if it will most likely "drip on the brain"? Would a woman successful in her career or business want to hear insults, endure pressure, and listen to evaluations from men? Will she have options to negotiate or will she immediately slam the door so that what happened with her dad in childhood does not happen again.

By the way. The removal of the brain by dad, when he itches, whines, runs over, scolds, brings up for hours violence no less severe than a blow.

How much do you think such a girl who has grown into a woman will want to endure in the “prison of marriage”? Most often, the very idea of ​​a showdown or conflict will make her sick. And the conflict accumulates and accumulates and the family most likely falls apart. This is "verbal abuse" often disguised as "child care."

Well, a very slippery topic. I'm not an expert in this, so I'll keep it short. The topic is very difficult to study. Yes, if the psychologist is also a man. Where does the belt most often end up? On the butt. On the lower back. Sometimes especially “creative” dads lift up their jacket and pull down their pants. And the girl is in the period of developing sexuality. Or maybe he already goes to school, and there he’s already friends with boys and knows that it’s not good to be naked.

And so sexuality, childhood “love” for dad and physical pain in tender, soft places come together. And the shame of being naked and at the same time excitement. Where is the guarantee that dad sees his daughter in front of him at this moment? If he hits, he’s clearly no longer adequate. And in front of him is a naked “female” body, albeit a young one. Flashy. Where else do women scream? Go find 10 differences in the cries of pain and... . And then what does the girl see in front of her? Or rather “who”? And how can this later affect her sexual preferences? What about emotional ones? "Love is when it hurts!"

Well, one last thing. Self-esteem. "I am bad!" “I’m not good enough!”... for dad, and dad is “God”! And can such a woman claim the King in a relationship? Can she be confident in herself? Does she have the right to make a mistake if dad is SO unhappy that he grabs the belt?

Will such a girl, girl, woman prove throughout her life to her dad, and then to the World, that she is worthy of his/their love and acceptance?

What will she have to go through to say: “I can love and be loved. There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m good enough. I’m a Woman, and worthy of Respect and to be considered!”? What will she have to go through to return, to enter into her Feminine Power?

I'm sad. Because hundreds of men have passed through me, as a psychologist, as a facilitator in men’s groups, whose mothers were “raised” with a belt and the screams of their fathers, grandfathers, and stepfathers. The aggression that was addressed to the male parent spills over onto the sons. Already “familiar” methods of education are used. And who grows out of such boys, you know? "I'm an old soldier and I don't know the words of love." Patriarchy, you say?published