Punishment for a child 12 years old. You can't execute, you can have mercy! Or how to properly punish a child for disobedience? How to be strict without losing trust

Adolescence is the most dangerous and responsible period in raising a child. At this time, character formation continues, a heightened sense of justice and confidence in one’s rightness begins to develop.

This is where parents must very carefully monitor the child’s behavior and react flexibly to those cases when an offense is committed.

Punish or explain?

At this age, children try to remember everything, grasping everything on the fly. It’s good if these are positive actions or actions of others, but if not. If a child hears someone using obscene language on the street, and then among his peers, he begins to senselessly repeat these words. What should parents do?

Some will immediately say that it is necessary to punish, definitely, spank on the lips, punish with a belt, or apply other measures of influence. And do you think this will help? Do you think that your child will stop swearing for the rest of his life? I don't think that's exactly what will happen. Let grown-up dads remember themselves at that age. Did they stop expressing themselves as adults?

Others will behave differently, more flexibly. It must be explained that these words are very bad and cannot be used at school, in public places, in front of parents, etc. If you really want to repeat these forbidden expressions, then do it among your friends, since that’s the custom. Better yet, don’t communicate with such companies at all. Believe me, such words will remain in your memory for a long time and will make you think.

But the best thing to punish is to invite the child to choose it himself. All you have to do is approve and make a verdict.

Punish or forgive?

I propose to consider the following case.

You were informed that a child got into a fight at school, beating another boy. Both fighters have black eyes, broken noses, disheveled hair, and each believes that the other is to blame, not him.

Some will say that you need to be punished, deprived of sweets, your phone taken away, separated from the computer, not allowed out into the street, and everything in a similar style. After all, a fight is always bad and all issues can be resolved peacefully.

Others will say that you need to punish your child’s offender, since it is he who is to blame for everything and the first to provoke a conflict situation.

And imagine that during the trial, it turns out that your child has long liked one girl, whom the offender insulted, pushed, pulled her pigtails, took her briefcase and generally did not give way to her. Unable to bear such behavior, the son came to the defense of the offended woman and punched the bully.

How to behave in such a situation? What kind of punishment can we talk about?

After all, you raised a real man and protector. On the contrary, you need to praise, support and take the side of the defender.

But while encouraging, it is necessary to explain that such a method is unacceptable to apply to younger opponents, who are much weaker. It is best to deal with such people using the method of persuasion and explanation.

Parents must remember that at this age, children are already learning to adapt to certain conditions. If a child asks dad for something, but he does not allow or give, then the child goes to his mother, in the hope that he will receive what he wants from her.

In such a situation, they must be on the same page and unanimous in their decisions. Otherwise, disagreements will lead to the development of opportunistic character traits, which will negatively affect the further formation of personality.

It would seem that it is impossible not to punish children. After all, our offspring do not always sense the boundaries of what is permitted. And who else but parents should regulate their behavior. But where are these boundaries and where are the boundaries of punishment or reward laid out for us adults?

On the one hand, if you punish a child and go too far, the child may be left with deep psychological trauma for the rest of his life. On the other hand...

There was such a case in Sweden: one married couple was not allowed to adopt a baby because the spouses never quarreled. And the guardianship service concluded that such parents will not be able to explain to the child “what is good and what is bad.”

Statistics show that those parents who were raised in the same way in childhood, using physical punishment, take the belt into their hands. Don't repeat these mistakes!!!

And in Japan, for example, it is generally customary not to punish a baby until he is 3 years old. Until this moment, kids are allowed everything. But as soon as the little birthday boy blows out three candles on the birthday cake, his life will be subject to strict rules, which also provide for punishments for disobedience.

If we assume that punishment is necessary, then why do we often make mistakes in this matter? Why do children grow up and remember to us how we “yelled at them in front of everyone,” how we “put them in a corner for no reason”? I still remember how in kindergarten the teacher, not figuring out who started the Sabbath during quiet time, covered my head with a blanket. And she sat next to me so that I couldn’t get out. She punished me, but this did not improve the situation.

And the meaning of censure is its effectiveness. So that the child no longer wants to commit an offense. And, most importantly, he really understood that this was bad. After all, many children do not do something (in front of you) only because they are afraid of being caught or punished. And not because they realize the ignobility of their intentions.

From carrot to stick...

What could be the punishment? In no case is it physical. Scolding, insulting, ridiculing is also not good. Physical and moral punishment is humiliating and truly remains in a person’s memory forever. And no amount of “I was raised with a belt as a child, nothing, I grew up as a man” does not justify you.

To hit means to show your weakness. This means making it clear that words matter less than a strong fist. Maybe this is how many people later develop the notorious “who is stronger is right”?

Probably the worst punishment for any child is rejection by his parents. Therefore, if after the child’s unseemly offense you show that he has upset you very much, that you may be disappointed in him, this will have its effect.

You should talk a lot, long and persistently with children of primary and secondary school age, “chewing” why it is bad to call names, envy, take what is not yours, deceive... At this age, the most important life guidelines emerge for children. If the child stumbles, ask him to write on a piece of paper a number of times: “I will be honest, kind...” This exercise is very useful, because the information is literally “recorded” in the subcortex.

Many parents punish by depriving them of something (watching a cartoon, going to the cinema). This is not entirely correct. If you promised to go to the zoo and in the end didn’t do it - minus for you. On the other hand, if you deprive him of extra pizza, nothing bad will happen. A little person should develop the understanding that he can lose something valuable by committing a bad act.

Consequences of impunity

Many parents sincerely believe that their children are certainly not to blame for anything. You can hear excuses: “he’s small”, “he didn’t do it on purpose”, “he was forced to participate in this”... It is wrong to believe in the unconditional innocence of your child always and in everything. Relieving a daughter or son of responsibility for their actions means instilling in them childishness and moral cowardice.

Find the strength to admit that your child is wrong and capable of hurting someone.

Six useful rules

• Don't cut from the shoulder. Understand the situation thoroughly. Is your child really at fault? And if so, what is his share of the blame?
• Don't punish your children simply because you're in a bad mood.
• Don't frighten children with punishment, this is a thing of the past. Fear of punishment contributes to the development of resourcefulness (how to make sure that no one notices or scolds?).
• Don't deviate from your rules. If you consider a child’s behavior unacceptable (for example, being rude to elders), then always scold him for it. It is very harmful for the developing psyche of a little person when he is sometimes punished for the same act, sometimes not.
• Before punishing (putting him in a corner, telling him to “think about his behavior”), always explain to your child why you are forced to do this. What didn't you like? What did the child do wrong? Why is that bad? And what should you do?
• Remember, the word is the best weapon you have. Be patient in the parenting process, and most importantly, love the child with all his mistakes and failures.

Some mothers and fathers use physical force, others ignore their offspring for a long time or put them in a corner, others deprive them of the promised privileges, and others generally leave serious offenses without consequences.

Where are the limits of permissible exposure and for what offenses should children be punished? Many psychologists are convinced that it is impossible to raise a child without punishment, but they must take into account his age and the severity of the offense.

Experts advise remembering the important rules of raising children, which should be taken into account when choosing the most effective and gentle method of discipline.

Is punishing children justified?

A child who is beaten by moms and dads for any offense, constantly threatened to be given to Babayka or a dire wolf, left in a corner or dark room for several hours, often boycotted for a long time, can, without a doubt, be called unhappy.

Such methods of education in the future will certainly come back to haunt you with a decrease in self-esteem, a feeling of distrust in the world around you, and dislike.

We can say that such disciplinary methods used by some parents cannot be attributed to education; in fact, they are ordinary cruelty.

However, absolute permissiveness is also not the best option. If a younger child becomes convinced that everything is allowed to him and that nothing will happen to him for it, then there will be no distinction between actions as good and bad.

A very common question from parents is: how to behave if... A separate article by a child psychologist is devoted to this topic.

It turns out that punishment is still necessary, but this understanding does not protect parents from mistakes. For some reason, older children begin to remember how they were shouted at in front of everyone, spanked undeservedly with a belt, or put in a corner “just because.”

Punishment must be effective - it is important that the teenager’s behavior changes for the better and he understands that doing so is completely unacceptable.

Unfortunately, most children do not do something not because they understand the futility or shortsightedness of their action, but because they are afraid of being caught and the corresponding punishment.

Adequate punishment, according to psychologists, has several important tasks, among them:

• correcting dangerous or unwanted child behavior;
• control over previously defined boundaries of what is permitted;
• support of parental authority;
• compensation for damage caused by the child;
• preventing unwanted behavior in the future.

Thus, most experts are inclined to believe that punishment is still necessary. All that remains is to understand at what age to do this, for what and how to “punish”, and how to demonstrate to the child that his parents still love him.

As evidenced by developmental psychology, children under two years of age cannot grasp the connection between their incorrect behavior and disciplinary measures from their parents.

For example, Japanese parents generally do not punish children under three years of age. Until this period, the little ones are allowed literally everything. But after turning 3 years old, the child’s life is strictly regulated, including penalties for offenses.

Despite age-related characteristics, strict and clear prohibitions should appear in the lives of infants, which, however, should not be reinforced by corporal punishment. For example, a child should not hit his mother or stick his fingers into a socket.

Children one to two years old should also not be punished. At this age, it is better for parents to use simple distraction, transferring the child’s attention to another object or phenomenon. You should also explain the undesirability of this or that behavior, emphasizing the words “no” and “impossible” intonationally.

For “retribution” to have a positive effect, it is necessary, regardless of the child’s age, follow some rules:

1. Maintain consistency. Punishment should follow the same actions. Also, you should not ignore children's disobedience, even if you have no time or do not know how to behave in this case.
2. Consider the severity of the offense. A little mischief or a first-time offense should only merit a warning. Bad behavior (whether malicious or intentional) should result in a serious response.
3. Limit the length of punishment. Always communicate the duration of the disciplinary measure, otherwise the child will soon lose the connection between the violation and the restriction, which lasts a whole month.
4. Act calmly. First of all, you need to calm down, and only then approach the choice of punishment. Otherwise, inadequate measures may be taken.
5. Agree on a decision with your spouse. To avoid manipulation, you need to agree on all the rules, restrictions and punishments with your husband or wife.
6. Set a positive example. In order for a child to behave correctly, you need to show examples of the desired behavior. Politeness and honesty are encouraged.
7. Consider the child's characteristics. For example, a melancholic person should be punished less severely (or differently) than a sanguine person. The age of the offender should also be taken into account.
8. Discipline your child in private. This should be praised publicly, but punishment should concern only you and the child. Such privacy is needed so as not to traumatize the child’s self-esteem.
9. Develop a ritual of reconciliation. It will be useful to develop a special ritual that will mark the end of the punishment. For example, you can read a poem and interlace your little fingers. The latter option, by the way, is even good for health.

Another important and relevant information that explains why. All parents need to know this!

Punishment is only a small and not the most significant part of raising children. It is imperative to reward the child for good deeds, thereby encouraging character traits such as kindness, politeness, and hard work.

Constructive methods of punishing a child

So, the basic rules for applying disciplinary measures are known. Now it remains to figure out how to properly punish a child and what kind of loyal Punishment methods can be included in your parenting arsenal.

1. Revocation of privileges. This method is especially suitable for teenagers. As a punishment, you can use restriction of access to a computer or TV.
2. Correcting what was done. If a child deliberately painted the tabletop with a felt-tip pen, hand him a rag and detergent - let him correct his offense.
3. Time-out. The little “bully” is placed in a separate room for a few minutes (one minute for each year). There should be no toys, laptop, or cartoons in the room.
4. Apology. If your child has offended someone, you need to force him to apologize and, if possible, correct the situation. For example, draw a picture instead of a torn picture.
5. Ignoring. It is more suitable for small children, but this method cannot be used too often. Refuse to communicate with the mischievous child and leave the room.
6. Having a negative experience. In some situations, you need to allow the child to do what he wants. Naturally, you need to make sure that the child does not harm himself.
7. Limiting communication with peers. In case of a serious offense, it is worth introducing a “curfew” for a short period of time, limiting the child’s communication with friends.
8. Assignment of Responsibilities. In response to his misconduct, his parents assign him “community service.” This could be extra washing of dishes, cleaning the living room, etc.

Don’t forget about another effective method – censure and condemnation. Taking into account the age and severity of the offense, parents talk about why the child’s behavior is wrong and what unpleasant feelings it caused.

Knowing how to properly discipline a child is really important. However, it is necessary to understand that there are certain taboos when it comes to choosing disciplinary measures.

Incorrect behavior by adults can lead to protests, difficulties in learning, isolation and reluctance of children to communicate with their own parents. Resentment can continue into the future.

What extremes should be avoided when assigning punishments? Experts advise avoiding several excesses:

1. Humiliation. The disciplinary measure chosen must in no way undermine the dignity of the child. That is, one cannot say that he is a fool, stupid, etc.
2. Harm to health. We are talking not only about spanking, but also about such cruel methods of education as squatting, dousing with cold water, and forcing people to starve. Children should also not be placed on their knees in a corner.
3. Simultaneous punishment for several mistakes. The correct principle: one “sin” – one punishment. It is best to punish for the most serious offense.
4. Public punishment. As already noted, punishment in public causes psychological trauma to a teenager or damages his reputation in the children's group.
5. Unreasonable refusal of punishment. Be consistent: if you decide to take action, keep your promise. Otherwise, you risk losing your credibility.
6. Deferred punishment. You cannot force a child to wait, to suffer because of the expectation of the inevitable “punishment”, or to imagine what awaits him. This is a kind of moral bullying of children.

In addition, restrictions and punishments should not be used as retaliation or as a preventive measure. It is important to approach this process extremely carefully and thoughtfully. After all, the main task is to improve the child’s behavior, and not to spoil the relationship with him.

Probably, not a single issue of parental education methods causes such heated discussion as the physical impact on the child. Many experts are categorically against such a disciplinary measure, but some parents still use it.

Usually mothers and fathers give the following argument as an excuse: “My parents beat me, and that’s okay - I grew up no worse than the rest.”

Additionally, numerous Russian sayings and proverbs that condone spanking come to mind. Like, hit the child until it fits across the bench...

However, opponents of physical punishment cite other arguments that seem, perhaps, more “reinforced concrete.” In addition to the fact that punishing a child with a belt is painful and offensive, you should also remember the likely results of such a method of education.

So, the consequence of the use of bodily influence may be:

• injury to a child (due to excessive use of force);
• psychological trauma (fears, low self-esteem, social phobia, etc.);
• aggressiveness;
• the desire to rebel for any reason;
• desire for revenge;
• damaged parent-child relationships.

Thus, the dad belt is not the best way to raise children. Cruelty will definitely make itself felt, even if problems appear not now, but in the distant future.

For more information about the disastrous consequences that parental cruelty can lead to, read the article by a child psychologist.

Many experts are convinced that it is worth distinguishing between cruelty and light physical influence on a child in order to stop unwanted behavior.

An example is a situation where a frightened mother angrily spanks her small child who ran onto a busy road and almost fell under the wheels of a vehicle. It is believed that such physical influence does not humiliate children, but attracts attention.

As a conclusion

Punishment is an ambiguous method, so there are many opinions and judgments about the possibility and desirability of its use. It is necessary to briefly summarize the above and voice the most important and useful thoughts.

1. There is no ideal child. A child is a person who has desires that do not always coincide with the requirements of his parents. The result of this contradiction is punishment.
2. It makes no sense to punish children under 2-3 years of age, since they do not yet understand the relationship between their actions and parental influence.
3. It is important to take into account the possible reasons for disobedience; sometimes knowledge of the motives leads to refusal to use punishment.
4. Children cannot be punished for their desire to understand the world around them, for their desire to help, or for careless actions. But malicious actions must be punished.
5. All issues regarding disciplinary measures must be agreed upon with all family members.
6. It is better to use constructive methods of influencing the child, which should help correct the child’s behavior.
7. Physical punishment (if possible), threats, and offensive actions should be avoided. It is the offense that needs to be condemned, not the child’s personality.

The question of how to punish a child for disobedience or a serious offense must be decided independently by each parent. The most important thing in such a situation is to choose the most constructive method that will help change children's behavior.

However, you should not go too far with disciplinary measures. It is best to explain to the child, without shouting or punishment, why his behavior is wrong and how to behave in a given situation. Parental advice, spoken with respect, will definitely be heard by children.

At the age of 12, many children begin adolescence, and parents experience a difficult period, during which they need to show maximum patience. Children often become uncontrollable and stop obeying. How to help them and how should parents behave? We will talk about this in our article.

How to deal with aggression in a child?

Aggressive behavior of a teenager is most often a kind of defense. Typically, children who have problems communicating in groups become aggressive. The response to misunderstanding in society is excessive irascibility. The child gets irritated over trifles and splashes out his emotions on others. What should parents do? Of course, do not despair and try to help your child. It is necessary to show him by example how to behave with other people.

If your child is too aggressive, direct his energy in a different direction. For example, send him to the sports section, where he can throw out all the negative emotions.

It is better to ignore mild manifestations of aggression altogether: there is no need to pay attention to them.

A 12 year old child has tantrums: what to do

Why does a 12-year-old child constantly cry, how to calm him down? Oddly enough, tantrums at this age occur quite often in children. A teenager may scream, cry constantly, stomp his feet, throw various objects, in general, behave like a small child. Why is this happening? Do not forget that the child is in adolescence, and these are simply manifestations of emotionality. In this way, children can attract the attention of their parents and can demand permission from them to do things that are prohibited at their age. In any case, there is no point in focusing close attention on hysterics. Sometimes it can even be helpful to leave your teenager alone to calm down.

What to do if a teenager becomes uncontrollable?

What to do if a child at 12 years old becomes disobedient? Most likely, he is signaling to you that he needs help. Change your attitude towards your teenager and your parenting style. You need to look for the reasons for disobedience in the psyche of a teenager. In this way, a child can assert himself and show that he is old enough. This means that we need to try to reduce excessive parental care. Also, a teenager becomes uncontrollable if there are any problems in his family.

If you are worried that your recently obedient child is out of control, take him to a psychologist. He will help stabilize the teenager’s emotional background and find out why his behavior has changed so much.

How to stop a child from lying?

Children often lie, some less often, others almost constantly. Lying is often a way to avoid punishment or to increase one's value in the eyes of one's peers. Many children lie to challenge their parents' authority or because of family problems. How to deal with lies in children? Change your attitude towards your child, talk to him, show him that you accept him for who he is, with all his shortcomings and advantages. The main thing here is mutual understanding in the family and parental love.

What to do if a teenager is often nervous?

Excessive nervousness in a 12-year-old child may also be a consequence of adolescence. But sometimes it is a reflection of reality and can lead to psychological trauma. To find out the cause of a teenager’s nervous condition, it is better to consult a psychologist. This will help avoid problems in the future, sometimes quite serious ones.

How to wean a child from stealing?

Theft must be stopped, but only if the parents are completely sure that the fact took place. You cannot unfairly accuse a child and start a conversation when there is no evidence. In addition, you need to talk about theft with a teenager in private, without bringing the problem to public discussion.

Stealing, in some cases, is a sign of a disease called kleptomania. This disease is characterized as a mental disorder, so it is best to show the child to a specialist.

Why do children steal? This may occur due to the inability to control one's impulses or in order to attract the attention of parents. A bad environment could also affect the child. Therefore, try to track who he communicates with and exclude unwanted contacts.
Be that as it may, support your child, do not turn away from his problems. Remember that only your attention and love can change a teenager for the better. And be patient - you will definitely need it.

Does the child ignore the requests and demands of his parents, is capricious and throws tantrums, does everything out of spite?

Every mother faces this from time to time. Some more often, some less often.

What to do?

How to punish bad behavior and is it worth punishing at all? These questions interest all parents.

Why children don't listen

All parents would like their children to be obedient and fulfill all the parents' demands the first time.

However, in reality this is unlikely to happen. Why don't children obey their parents?

• Every child needs certain rules and order..

This way he will feel more calm and confident. Sometimes he wants to test the permitted boundaries and breaks the accepted rules.

• If there are too many prohibitions, then the child rebels and stops obeying his parents.

Therefore, the number of words “impossible” should be limited. However, it is necessary to be consistent, otherwise it will not be clear why it is possible today and not tomorrow.

• There is also such an extreme when the baby is allowed everything whatever he wants.
  In this case, there is no need to talk about discipline - he simply does not know what can be done and what not.
• Sometimes children don't listen when they can't understand what they want.
• Therefore, it is important for children (up to 5 years old) to show the necessary actions and perform them with him until he remembers.
• There are moments when the child begins to test the strength of the permitted boundaries..
• These are the so-called age crises. They happen at 3 years, 5-6 years, adolescence. They usually involve significant changes in skills. For example, I learned to walk, became aware of myself, and so on.
• In some cases, children stop fulfilling requests if they want to attract attention to themselves.

If a child does not obey, then, first of all, it is necessary to pay attention to the methods of education, the situation in the family, the requirements for the child and his responsibilities. If parents do not take into account the experiences of their children, their emotions, needs and interests, then it will be difficult to establish discipline.

It has been proven that behavior is negatively affected by prolonged exposure to television or.

The brain is simply not able to assimilate the transmitted flow of information, and does not respond to the requests of the parents.

Why is this, and what will happen if everything is allowed?

There has long been a debate among teachers and psychologists, some of whom consider punishment acceptable in certain situations and even necessary, and supporters of a “happy, cloudless childhood.”

In the first case, it is believed that without building a system of punishments and rewards at the right time, parents will face uncontrollability.

After all, they have no leverage over their child.

The second opinion is based on the fact that parents are obliged to create conditions for their child for a safe and happy childhood.

Therefore, it is proposed to treat all the child’s actions calmly and kindly, solve his problems, and not scold him or punish him.

Children will grow up and understand all the norms of behavior accepted in society. This direction is guided by the theory of the American pediatrician B. Spock.

His principles were the denial of any punishment.

However, refusing to punish can make your child selfish and disorganized. He may never learn to respect others.

And is it really possible to endure all the “pranks” of your child for many years and never break down? No. The accumulated irritation sooner or later breaks out.

This will be a shock for a child who is accustomed to permissiveness. He will think that his parents stopped loving him. Therefore, refusing to use punishment and indulging in whims will not eliminate conflicts.

Such children show aggression even more often, especially when they leave the family circle and encounter the real world.

In order to correctly form a child’s personality, rules of behavior and prohibitions must be established. And if your child is 2 or needs to act completely differently.

About punishment at different ages

So, punishment should still be present in education. But it’s worth deciding when and how to punish them.

Punishment must occur after the act has been committed.

It is worth punishing in exceptional cases, if the child deliberately committed an act, knowing that it was bad.

It is also important to consider age. Children under 2.5-3 years old are poorly aware of what actions they will be punished for. Therefore, it is better for them to simply remind them every time what is possible and what is not. You cannot punish if the child does not even understand why. It is worth taking into account age-related mental norms.

There is no need to demand an adult attitude from your child to various situations.

For example, children are often jealous of their parents towards each other, do not want to share toys, etc. There is no need to punish for this.

At an early age, parents should constantly explain to the child the consequences of his actions and help him learn the norms of behavior accepted in society.

Children under five years old often repeat the actions of adults. Therefore, it is necessary to monitor your actions and the people around you. Explain what is possible and what is not. It is especially important to show this through your behavior. If a child is forbidden to do something, but continues to do it themselves, then he is unlikely to understand that it is actually impossible.

Also, when choosing a punishment, it is necessary to take into account the character of a particular child, his temperament, and emotionality.

After all, different children perceive the same punishment differently.

Advice from a psychologist - punish without harm to the psyche

Punishment should not cause any physical or psychological harm.

It should help the little man understand the consequences of his offense and draw appropriate conclusions in order to avoid mistakes in the future.

That's why When choosing a method of punishment you need to follow these rules:

1. Don't punish rashly

If emotions are at their limit, then you urgently need to calm down: count to ten, go to another room for a couple of minutes, and more. When a person calms down, he assesses the situation more adequately.

2. Punish lovingly

The worst thing for a baby is not the action itself, but the fact that mom or dad may have stopped loving him. If he feels that his parents still love him, then the punishment is perceived as fair.

3. It is necessary to clearly set the boundaries of what is permitted and then apply punishment

That is, the child must clearly know why he will be punished. For example, a child in kindergarten took a toy from a friend. If his parents did not explain to him that he should not do this, then it is wrong to punish him. First we explain, next time we punish.

4. It is not the child who needs to be punished, but his offense

For example, he hit a neighbor's boy. He knows that this cannot be done. You figured out the situation and found out that your child is really to blame. When punishing him, you need to say that he is not bad, because he hit another, but he committed a bad deed.

5. When punishing, it is necessary to clearly define the time interval

For example, “sit down and sit on a chair for 5 minutes,” “tonight you will be left without watching a cartoon.” The phrases “No more cartoons”, “You’ll never get sweets” and the like are unacceptable.

6. After punishment there must be reconciliation

It's good if you have your own ritual.

When to start?

At what age should a child take responsibility for his own behavior?

There is an opinion that it is impossible to punish children under 3 years of age.

It is based on the fact that until this age the child does not know how to build cause-and-effect relationships.

If a toy breaks, he understands that it does not work, but does not realize that he himself or some of his actions were the culprit. Therefore, he will not understand why he is being punished.

However, this does not mean that you can allow your baby everything. It’s just that in case of his misconduct, it is necessary to explain to him what cannot be done so that it does not happen again.

If a small child demands something that cannot be done, they try to divert his attention to something else. Letting your child know what is possible and what is not is necessary as early as possible.

What is possible and what is not?

A child’s actions cannot be too limited by prohibitions. If everything is prohibited, then how will he explore the world? In such cases, children grow up dependent and lacking initiative.

For example, children are often jealous of their parents towards each other, do not want to share toys, etc. There is no need to punish for this.

Alina Viktorovna Lisova – teacher

Teacher-psychologist at a private development center

However, for a deliberate violation of previously established rules, the agreed punishment should be applied. For example, say “if you call the children in kindergarten bad names, you won’t get sweets for dinner.”

The child violated this rule, which means you don’t give sweets for dinner, no matter how much he asks. The rest of the family should also not violate the punishment, otherwise the child will not understand that this cannot be done.

From the point of view of many psychologists, it is necessary to punish for:

• Insults, especially towards elders.
• Lie.

However, it is worth distinguishing between lies used to achieve some result and fantasy, which children are prone to. Fantasies will go away as you grow older.

It is important that parents themselves do not lie and do not teach them to lie. Lying should not be encouraged.

• Physical violence.

Do you often punish your child?

YesNo

The child must understand that such behavior is not acceptable, even if the parents allow it, others will not tolerate it.

It is important that parents do not encourage the use of force against weaker children or animals.

• Demonstrative violation of established rules of behavior.

If a child accidentally breaks some rules, it’s not scary. When he knows that he should not do this, but still does it without an objective reason, then this behavior must be corrected.

• Theft. It must be severely punished.

What cannot be punished for:

• When a child is hyperactive, he shows restlessness and cannot concentrate on something for a long time.

In this case, there is no point in punishing him. This is his peculiarity.

• And vice versa - the child is slow, does everything slowly, does not have time

This often irritates parents, but there is no need to scold or rush him, it will not bring any benefit.

• The child learns about the world and is active

Adults are often annoyed by the high activity of children: they run a lot, jump, make noise, and play around. These actions are most often associated not with annoying adults, but with the need to learn about the world around us. This is their natural behavior.

• Some actions caused by the child’s physiological characteristics or diseases

For example, a child does not like fish or milk; there is no need to force him to eat or punish him for refusing. Or the child has enuresis and described the bed. Scolding him will only make the problem worse. He didn't do it intentionally.

• Actions caused by negligence. For example, I accidentally dropped and broke a cup

The child cannot yet clearly perform all the actions, and adults are often careless.

• Manifestation of feelings - jealousy, reluctance to part with parents, uncertainty, reluctance to share, etc.

There is no need to punish for this. Later, they will definitely develop a more mature self-awareness, they will learn to solve complex social problems, and will be able to manage their emotions.

How to be strict without losing trust?

When using punishment in parenting, the main thing is not to overdo it, so as not to lose the love and trust of your baby. To do this, you need to adhere to the following principles:

1. Don't impose too many restrictions

Give your child room to explore

2. Requirements should be age-appropriate

Don't ask for something he can't remember or do yet.

3. Before you punish, you need to understand the situation
4. If the child was punished, then be sure to make peace with him afterwards.

Explain your position, remind him that you love him no matter what.

5. Children should not be humiliated or insulted

Many parents like to spank their children on the bottom or hands. However, such punishment is rarely effective. Why? If you spank your child weakly, he will more likely perceive it as a game.

For example, children are often jealous of their parents towards each other, do not want to share toys, etc. There is no need to punish for this.

Alina Viktorovna Lisova – teacher

Teacher-psychologist at a private development center

He may even specifically ask for such punishment in order to attract attention. After all, such a slap does not bring pain. Only very young children of 1-2 years old can perceive it as a prohibition, if they make the appropriate face.

If you spank so hard that it hurts, then this is physical violence. Although some parents use such punishment and even cruelly punish disobedient children with a belt.

They justify this by saying that the child does not understand otherwise. However, by justifying physical violence to any degree, parents acknowledge their own helplessness.

Violence breeds response. The child will decide that a stronger person can offend a weak one, and will take it out on someone who is weaker, for example, another child or an animal.

In addition, the constant expectation of physical pain causes psychological harm to the baby.

Therefore, if parents do not want to lose the trust of their child, then it is worth using other methods of education than physical punishment.

Rules for parents

Do you manage to remain calm while punishing your child?

NoYes

• Do not cause physical or psychological harm to the child
• Punish only for the offense committed, and not for prevention
• For several violations committed at once, one punishment is imposed for all at once
• Do not deprive your child of previously given items or promised rewards if this has not been discussed immediately
• Don't blackmail, don't manipulate his feelings
• Punishment must be determined in advance
• It is necessary to punish immediately after the violation is committed, and not after some time

After punishment, there is no need to constantly remember the child’s offense.

Modern parents are increasingly faced with hyperactivity syndrome. Read how to behave in the material at our link.

Punishment options

Let's consider several options for how to punish a child for bad behavior and disobedience.

1. Deprive a child of pleasure

As punishment, you can deprive the child of what he loves for a certain time: watching cartoons, playing on the computer, eating sweets, and more.

2. Place the child in a special punishment chair for a certain time so that he thinks about his behavior

A variation of this punishment is to put him in a corner. However, this option is not desirable, because it causes the muscles of the legs and back to be tense, and this state is not conducive to thinking.

3. If the child does not want to collect toys, put them away so that he cannot get them

Don’t give it for a while, let him promise that he will collect it next time. Discuss the punishment for violation. For example, he will not be able to play with toys for one day. If you break a rule, be sure to punish it as agreed.

4. Comic punishments for minor offenses are possible: sit down 10 times, repeat a rule several times; for older children, write this rule several times

The main thing is to give real tasks that the child can complete.

5. Another recommended method is not suitable for every parent: allow the child to draw his own conclusions from breaking the rules

For example, allow him to get wet in a puddle and catch a cold, do not forbid hitting other children, and then no one will want to be friends with him.

6. Ignoring a child

You have to be careful with this punishment. After all, prolonged neglect can cause psychological harm to a child. But if you refuse to play with him for a while because of bad behavior, then this will serve as a lesson to him.

How to raise your child, whether to punish him or not, and how exactly, each parent decides independently. However, it must be taken into account that the child needs to be able to live and adapt in society. Therefore, it is necessary for all children to adhere to certain accepted social norms. Parents decide how to instill these rules in them.