Psychologist consultations - family relationships, solving family problems. My husband doesn’t like the way I dress... Woman I don’t like the way I dress

Hello! My daughter is 22, she is a student, lives in another city. She is involved in extreme sports, and her friends are mostly guys. Maybe that’s why she started dressing like a guy - massive sneakers, elongated T-shirts two sizes too large, sweatshirts, long black shorts, like football players wore before the Great Patriotic War... All this in the color scheme black/gray/khaki. At the same time It’s time to say that she generally doesn’t care about her appearance - she’s obsessed with hygiene, she has expensive perfume and underwear... That is, she just apparently likes this style. But believe me, it looks terrible! It doesn’t interfere with her personal life, she’s always had a lot of fans, she’s been living with a pretty decent and handsome young man for 2 years, just like she’s passionate about sports. Therefore, when you start telling her that guys like more feminine girls, she looks blank - something I didn’t notice, they say... Yes, a few years ago everything was different, there were heels and dresses. My daughter had a bosom friend who apparently had some influence in terms of clothing, and in general, served as an example. But life took them to different cities, they hardly see each other. I wouldn’t write here simply because I don’t like the clothes , this really goes beyond some limits. I catch myself thinking that when my daughter arrives, I don’t feel comfortable going out with her, I’m afraid to meet people I know. When she posts photos on social networks, I start receiving calls from relatives who are either shocked by her appearance or cannot find her in the general photo, because there are “only guys” in it. A neighbor, who stopped by for a minute, asks, what kind of guy is visiting us... And when I explain that this is my daughter, she doesn’t believe it, because she’s known her since childhood and it’s definitely not her... I’m already silent about grandparents who get upset and try to like her too - to instruct tactfully when meeting and at the same time they work on me for the fact that as a mother I cannot influence. They offer me money, like maybe it’s not enough to dress decently. And she just smiles in response - her army boots alone cost more than all of ours wardrobe. I don't know what to do with this. That’s how I would have sent it somewhere to the “Fashionable Sentence”)) You know, I calmly accepted when she abused makeup at the age of 13 and when she shaved half her head at 18 and walked like that for two years until she got tired of it. I would be fine with blue hair or a nose ring... But what is happening now is worse, it’s harder for me to put up with it. It seems to me that this will also interfere in life - the fact that you are not perceived as a woman. You will be a kind of “your guy” on whom you can load everything... Advise me, can I somehow influence her?

Natalya, hello. I risk causing your surprise, or even displeasure, but I would like to wish that your worries about your daughter will always be no more than these - the length and color of the shorts. From your letter it follows that you have a generally good relationship with your daughter. She comes to you and listens to your complaints with a smile.

My daughter is 22 years old, she lives in another city, she has her own social circle, completely different from yours, her own social environment, which has its own style of clothing, communication, and spending free time. The fact that a girl has a boyfriend, the fact that other men like her, the fact that she carefully takes care of her body, wears beautiful lingerie - all this speaks of fully manifested femininity, there is no reason for concern.

Judging by what you describe - experiments with cosmetics, shaving half of her head - the daughter is looking for her own style, trying to play with her image, clearly expressing herself, looking for her place in life and society. In adolescence, this could probably have been associated with some kind of protest. Hairstyle and image have an impact on a person’s condition. This is a way to radically change something, to become literally different, to end something and start something. This is a normal, living, healthy process.

If you would be calm about unusual, frankly speaking, blue hair, then what bothers you now? Many people now wear blue hair, just like a nose ring; it has become a kind of sign of modernity, independence, and unusualness. Brutal style is more unusual in your environment and is perceived as more shocking.

Natalya, I assume that your greatest discomfort is caused by the reaction of your relatives and friends. You write: “I’m already silent about the grandparents who get upset, try to somehow instruct her tactfully when they meet, and at the same time they work on me for the fact that as a mother I cannot influence.” Since you are already 44 years old, and you are sensitive to attempts to raise you so that you raise your daughter correctly, I will assume that in some other areas of life, not everything may be smooth.

Hello. Natalia!

The daughter is comfortable living the way she lives. You feel uncomfortable. So what does this have to do with the daughter? You want to change it to make you feel good.

It seems to me that this will also interfere in life - the fact that you are not perceived as a woman. You will be a kind of “your guy” on whom you can offload everything...

A person begins to change something in his life when he leaves his comfort zone. Perhaps someday your daughter will feel that her appearance is preventing her from getting what she wants from life. Then she cheats on him. But not before.

I catch myself thinking that when my daughter arrives, I don’t feel comfortable going out with her, I’m afraid to meet people I know. When she posts photos on social networks, I start receiving calls from relatives who are either shocked by her appearance or cannot find her in a group photo because there are “only guys” in it.

It’s worth figuring out why the opinions of others are more important to you than the happiness of your daughter? What prevents you from accepting and loving her for who she is? Why is it difficult for you to set your psychological boundaries and respect the boundaries of your daughter? Her appearance has exacerbated your internal problems. which probably existed before this.

Read my article - The Boundaries of My Self I hope it will be useful to you. If you need help, please contact us.

Stolyarova Marina, psychologist in person and via Skype, St. Petersburg

Just think that it could have been much worse, for example: I would have decided to change my religion, change my gender, shave my head bald, get a tattoo all over my back... and so on - which just doesn’t happen in the world. And then, Natalya, this is not the main thing at all!!!

You see how your daughter’s eyes light up, she sincerely loves you, loves life!!! And this is the MOST IMPORTANT thing!!.. Interest in life is a shortage of the 21st century.

Harmony to you and your daughter)

With understanding, Marina Slepneva, St. Petersburg, Skype

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How can you tell if your man doesn't like the way you dress, even if he says you look good? This is really difficult, because he is unlikely to tell you about it directly. And who wants to dress in such a way that a young man would be ashamed to go out on a date? The simple signs below will tell you if your man doesn't like your taste in clothes.

He compares you to other girls/women

If your boyfriend compares you with other girls, it is quite possible that he is talking about taste in clothes. For example, he may note that this or that girl looks good in her dress, referring specifically to the choice of clothing. Yes, this is an indirect hint of good taste. And if he compliments other ladies but you don’t, most likely he just doesn’t like the way you dress.

He feels awkward

You will see by his facial expressions and body language if he is embarrassed to walk or have dinner with you in public. If a man constantly makes strange excuses for you, this is a direct sign that he doesn’t like your outfit.

He complains about your clothing style

Does your man make comments about your taste and wardrobe? Most likely, he will say it like this: “this dress doesn’t suit you” or “this sweater is too old.” It is unlikely that he will tell you this directly, but comments about your clothes are directly related to your taste.

He chooses things for you

If you go shopping together and he chooses things for you, he tells you what clothes he would like to see you in. Perhaps he doesn't really like the contents of your wardrobe, and he wants to complement it with something that he likes. Again, this means that he doesn't like your clothing style.

He makes fun of your clothing style

Does your boyfriend make fun of you when it comes to your wardrobe? He might say that you dress like a tomboy or something like that. If he asks you to dress more feminine or elegant, this is a direct sign that your style does not suit him.

He asks you to change clothes

If your man asks you to wear something nicer, this is an indirect sign that he would like to change your wardrobe. As if by subtext, he hints that you should change your taste in clothes. This is a classic sign that he doesn't like the way you dress and would like to see you in something else.

But if this topic is unpleasant to you, then it’s better to stand your ground and dress as you like. After all, you should not only please a man, but also feel comfortable and love your reflection in the mirror.

Family occupies the most important place in the life of each of us. Probably, every person most of all wants everything to be fine in his family. But, in the process of developing family relationships, various problems often arise that cannot always be solved without outside help.

If you have certain difficulties in family relationships - for example, in husband/wife relationships, relationships with relatives, etc., you can ask a question to a psychologist, or read the archive of questions and answers. Perhaps someone has already had similar family problems and you will find something useful for yourself in the answers of psychologists.

Do your friends and acquaintances need psychological help? Share the link with your friends on social networks!

Maria 29 years old: (03.07.2010)

I have been married for 6 years, my son is 4 years old. I'm not working at the moment. housewife. My husband doesn't dislike the way I dress. If I’m wearing a blouse, then in his opinion I should be without underwear and definitely in such a way that everything can be seen by everyone. The skirt or dress must be short, so that it barely covers. Shoes naturally have heels, and the more colorful and higher the heel, the better. Even with a tracksuit he asks to wear heels, but when I refuse, saying that it’s still ugly, he doesn’t understand it. ignores almost my entire wardrobe. He refuses to listen to my explanations that I am not comfortable in the clothes he chooses, and says that I am shy and complex. Explain why I should show off my body to everyone. Or maybe this excites him. Now I want to buy a one-piece swimsuit, since after giving birth the body is not so ideal, and he only needs a bikini. He said that if there is another swimsuit, he will not go with me to the river. Help me please!!! This is already becoming a huge problem in our family.

Expert answer:

Hello Maria!

You write: “My husband doesn’t dislike the way I dress.” What to do in this situation? Try to understand what your husband lacks (what, for example, he used to have, but now doesn’t). Perhaps earlier (before marriage, before the birth of a child) you dressed more openly and he just wants to refresh his memories, to see in front of him the woman with whom he fell in love then. Try to look at yourself through his eyes, look through your wardrobe - what you usually wear, think about what emotions and desires one or another of your everyday clothes can evoke. There is a lot of truth in the banal proverb “men love with their eyes, and women with their ears.” In fact, most men are always pleased when a beautiful, sexy woman walks next to him, attracting his gaze (and maybe the gaze of other men - but she’s with him!). Of course, you can’t talk one-sidedly here - it’s clear that when you are required to wear shoes with a tracksuit, these are already excesses; again, it’s also important for you to feel comfortable?

Also, as practice shows, often, behind external nagging on the part of the other half (spouse), completely different reasons lie. Analyze your current relationships, try to understand what happened before and what has changed (after marriage, after the birth of a child, currently)? It's funny, but we men sometimes start to cling to clothes, food, etc. for one single reason - lack of attention to us from women (just like children, but this is a fact). Talk to your husband frankly, maybe you are not noticing something? Most likely, the problem “my husband doesn’t like the way I dress” has specific reasons...

In short, analyze, I am sure that you yourself will find the answers to all the questions and everything will work out for you!

Sincerely, Mikhail Petrov

28.10.2014 01:26

QUESTION: My husband is always dissatisfied with the way I dress and look. He wants me to be slimmer and dress more youthfully. He always compares me to his friends' wives, saying how sexy and pretty they are, and that I should try to be like them. I agree that I am fatter than I should be, five kilos no more. I know he loves me, but his constant criticism pushes me away from him. I love him and want to spend my whole life with him, but sometimes I really want to leave. I will never be what he wants, what can I do to improve our marriage?

ANSWER: Your answer has three main aspects. All three need to be adjusted if you want to live your whole life with your husband, as you write. If you don't, then what you talk about will ultimately disconnect you completely. When this happens, you will either hide in your shell and be unhappy for the rest of your life, or you will leave him.

First aspect this is his attempt to make you the person he wants, not the person you really are. It's normal for one to tell the other what he would like. However, when it becomes conditional love (“I will be happy with you if you _____”), the other partner feels that he is not loved.

Women already suffer from the fact that they constantly compare themselves with others, and feel that they are not beautiful enough, slim, well dressed, etc. Society creates millions of reasons from which women's self-esteem begins to crack.

His comments devastate you. He thinks he motivates you to be better. He needs to love you for who you are. You haven't stated your age, but the fact that he wants you to dress more youthfully is a clue. It's normal for him to want you to be desired throughout your life together, but it's not normal for him to want you to be younger, or for you to be sexy like other women in his sights. This tactic is doomed. You can't be a 20-year-old girl forever. His emphasis on your sexuality says that he loves himself, and wants you to be, look or act in a way that meets his expectations.

When you don't feel loved for who you are, trying to become someone or something else to be loved will lead to disaster.

People who change themselves in order to be loved do not want to change. People who already feel loved are happy to change in order to please their partner. The difference is that they change themselves because they feel loved, not because they have to change to be loved. Until you really feel that he loves you for who you are, nothing in your relationship will change for the better.

Second aspect this is his disapproval and criticism of you. Your husband most likely thinks that he is trying to make you better.

He puts a wall between you. American psychologist John Gottman conducted a study on marriage and relationships. He explains that a complaint focuses on a specific behavior (“I don't like your dress”), while criticism is an attack on a person. She carries the message: "What's wrong with you?" (“You don’t care what you look like! Why can’t you be like….?”). When one or both spouses use it against the other, the relationship suffers enormously.

Intimacy is allowing another to see you from the inside, to know the most hidden sides of you. It cannot exist in an atmosphere of criticism. The one who criticizes does not get what he wants, and the person being criticized closes down and emotionally withdraws.

Gottman's research shows that when criticism continues unabated, the likelihood of divorce increases greatly.

In my work with spouses, I help couples understand how they use criticism and how it affects their relationship. Every time people tell me that they had no idea how much damage it was doing, and how much it would change in their family life now that they realized it. Please explain to your husband what his criticism does to your emotions and ask him to stop. If he does not rethink this aspect, contact a qualified family psychologist, or contact me.

Third aspect this is your weight. Before you react, let me explain...

Yes, when one partner is overweight and the reason is due to health reasons, it often has a negative effect on the relationship. The second often feels that he is not being paid attention to. One man told me, “She knows I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore. If it was something she couldn't control, I could understand. But for her it’s simply because she doesn’t exercise and doesn’t eat right. I see she doesn't care whether I want her or not. I love her, but I just don't want to be sexual with her because I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore. Why doesn’t she understand what she’s doing to our relationship?”

If you feel like you need to lose weight to make him love you, you won't lose weight. And if you lose weight, it will most likely be through your internal resistance. But if you decide to commit to losing weight for your own health and for your marriage, you and your husband will both benefit.

I strongly encourage him to love you for who you are and stop criticizing you. I also strongly recommend that you address your weight now, not for the sake of him loving you, but for the sake of yourself, and your future relationship.

If you, or someone you know, wants to save their marriage, or make another important decision about their family or relationship, . I'm here to help you. I spend . And if you want to get started right now, check out. You don't have to wait anymore. You can start this process today.

Benefit from the opportunity to get the solution to your problem and the support you deserve. As always, I am here to support you in creating a different life, and a lasting, loving relationship.

All the warmest to you,
Natalia

Today, the finalists of the “Main Stage” project Point Charlie are recording new songs, giving concerts, almost never leaving the studio and preparing to shoot their first video. But even with such factors, Oleg Sidorov (vocals), Dmitry Babaytsev (bass guitar), Roman Savchenko (guitar), Alexey Lutsenko (drums) and Daniil Tsovin (keys) managed to conquer many girls’ hearts - and this is just the beginning. That is why we turned to them to together “sort out” the fashion habits of girls.

Lingerie with push-up effect

It is generally accepted that push-up bras have their roots in Ancient Egypt - Egyptian women tied their breasts with leather tape to make them appear larger. Well, the first bra with pads inside, called push-up, was released in 1964 by the Canadian lingerie company Wonderbra. Since then, girls all over the world have been using this method to become a little more attractive.

Oleg: “I don’t argue, every girl wants to highlight the brightest parts of the body given to her by nature, or to hide her shortcomings. But not every man “falls” for these mini-deceptions. Personally, I am absolutely always in favor of naturalness.”

Roma: “People are attracted to beauty. They decorate themselves in every possible way and remove flaws, there is nothing wrong with that. But the question is different: what will it be like for a loved one to find out reality?”

Bright shades

Daniel: "It's important to dress your age. A Hello Kitty T-shirt won't turn a 40-year-old woman into a 25-year-old beauty. But a sophisticated suit and the right height of heels will work wonders."

Lesha: “When a girl wears a fur coat in summer and a skirt in winter, you feel sorry for her.”

Dima: “Nowadays, there are a huge number of ways to hide flaws with the help of clothes. But why do some girls, on the contrary, emphasize them by wearing fashionable, but not suitable clothes?”

Men's styles

This season, variations on the uniform theme are not just popular, but very popular. At the spring/summer shows at Acne Studios and Marc Jacobs, models walked the runway in paramilitary dresses that blurred the lines between femininity and masculinity. We doubt that men will be delighted with “Goldman Jane” next to them, but some girls will have the opportunity to fulfill their old dream of serving.

Lesha: “There are men's clothes, and there are women's clothes. Sometimes I meet girls who purposefully wear some men’s clothing, dress like “tomboys.” I do not like it".

Roma: “When girls wear hats that look like men’s, it’s cruel. Nowadays, fortunately, this is not so common, but when you notice it, you can’t help but pay attention. Or, for example, women’s moccasins, which in most cases look very strange (I apologize for the discrimination). Although, frankly, I’m not happy with the men’s either.”

Daniel: “The thing that irritates me the most about girls is when they wear men’s clothes and act like guys. A girl should be a girl."

Things "in trend"

“Fashion should be accepted, otherwise you will look ridiculous. However, new items should be taken quietly, in small portions,” said one great Mademoiselle. Who better to tell us about this than Coco Chanel, who rewarded us with a timeless tweed jacket and a little black dress that can be worn for any occasion. So - without further ado - we listen and obey.

Oleg: “Vanilla inscription in Latin can now be found on many girls. Of course, this is not clothing in the full sense of the word, but people also wear tattoos on themselves. And stupid and meaningless tattoos are what spoil a girl and show that she does not have the highest IQ. If the T-shirt can be changed and the makeup can be washed off, it’s unlikely that everyone will now run to remove the tattoo."

Roma: “I don’t really understand the fashion for long summer dresses. There are, of course, successful examples, but more often they kill individuality.”

Lesha: “Sports suits in everyday life are strange, if only because sports need to be done in the gym or on the playground.”

Low-heeled shoes

Even the “lord of the red sole”, Christian Louboutin, recently stopped singing his eternal ode to high heels: it’s worth looking at his latest collection to understand that in it, along with stilettos, pale blue ballet flats with brick heels coexist. It is also worth keeping in mind that if a high heel makes your legs visually slimmer, then incorrectly selected shoes with low heels do exactly the opposite.

Dima: “I hate shoes with short heels and long, pointed toes.”

Oleg: “Yes, these pads make terrible noise.”

Lesha: “I don’t like either these shoes or ballet flats. But in general, shoes depend on the situation. You can take a walk in sneakers, but you can’t go to a social event in them.”

Roma: “Suede ballet shoes look normal. Well, or fabric ones (not shiny) and with rounded noses.”

Daniel: “I’m relaxed about ballet flats, they’re comfortable everyday shoes, but if you’re going to a meeting, it’s better not to choose them. Shoes with a pointed toe...depending on what kind of shoes. I'm not a fan, but there are shoes from Louboutin, for example. As for the heel, it’s probably better to have a medium or slightly above average one. Shoes with small heels, as a rule, do not paint the foot, but only disfigure it.”

Abundance of accessories

“Buy less, choose better and do it yourself” - this phrase comes from the British punk fashion grandma. The first part of it is worth adopting for girls who really love accessories. Of course, today you can get into the boho chic style with a bunch of bracelets and rings, but even this “total freedom and permissiveness” style should be handled with caution.

Oleg: “When your girlfriend is wearing huge earrings, then, trying to hug her, you think not about tenderness and warmth, but about how to make sure that you don’t tear off her ear with an accidental movement. Or an overabundance of rings - of course, you want to show off all the stones and samples gold and silver. But you shouldn’t turn into gypsies or village gentlemen, ready to hang on to all the wealth.”

Roma: "A lot of rings? If they are all interesting and not super-shiny, then why not? It is important to remember: an accessory is meant to highlight individuality and style. It should not be the starting point of style. If an accessory attracts more attention, than the girl’s personality, then why is he needed?!”

Gadgets

Designers agree that the future lies in things at the intersection of fashion and modern technology (remember). Silicon Valley recently tried to launch its own Fashion Week. And we personally are confident that this will not end there. Gadgets should help fashion, but should they become fashion? Every modern girl answers this question for herself.

Dima: "Apple iPhone in one hand, Apple iPod in the other, iPad sticking out of the bag... Well, everyone knows what I mean."

Daniel: “Whether a girl has an iPhone 6 or a Nokia, it doesn’t matter to me. The main thing is that it does not turn into a cult. If a girl tells me: “Darling, everyone has a new iPhone, but I don’t have one,” then I’m unlikely to communicate with her.”

Roma: "I'm stressed out by big-eared iPhones or French fries instead of a normal phone. I just can't understand the joke. Although, of course, I don't really pay attention to all this. It's just that sometimes the thought arises: “Why?”

Oleg: "Generally speaking, a girl should be natural. In everything."

Daniel: “A girl adorns a man. If you go somewhere with a man, everyone should think not: “Oh God, what a man, I wish I were in that girl’s place,” but: “This girl is coming, it’s clear why she has such a man.”

Roma: “In general, when you hear the name of the topic for the first time, you realize that you’ve never really thought about the fact that some specific thing in a girl’s wardrobe really infuriates you. I always either liked the way a girl looked and dressed or I didn’t.”

Lesha: "Each girl is unique, and what suits one may not suit another at all. The point here is whether the girl has taste. And also, a girl needs to behave decently in any society, be dignified and with manners. Girls are ladies , men are gentlemen. And for a gentleman to choose you, and not Vasek from the 3rd entrance, you need to be a lady.”

Dima: “Men look especially bad on girls. Especially in public. You don’t need to prove to everyone how good you are.”

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