Ekaterina Morozova

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Regardless of the reason for the separation of parents, further events usually develop according to one scenario - raising a child alone, the difficulties of a new status. Sooner or later, a man appears on the path of a single mother. He is ready to become a strength, a broad shoulder and a loving, caring stepfather. But the mother is worried - will he be able to become a friend to her child, will he realize all the responsibility that he wants to take upon himself?

How to make friends between your baby and your new dad – what do experts advise?

• When should you introduce your child to their new dad?
  The most important thing in this situation is to remember: you can introduce your child to the new dad only in the exceptional case if the mother is firmly confident in the chosen one and in the future of their relationship.
  Otherwise, frequent changes of “new dads” will lead to serious psychological trauma for the child, loss of his understanding of the family model and more serious consequences. If you are sure that this man is your future husband, do not present your child with a fait accompli - this is Uncle Sasha, your new dad, he will live with us, accept it and honor him as a father. Give your child time to get to know your chosen one better.
• How to start introducing a child to a new dad?
  Start on neutral territory - you shouldn’t bring your future husband home right away. Meetings should be unobtrusive - in a cafe, in a park or cinema. It is important that the child has only the most positive impressions after the meetings. It is not difficult to charm a young child, the main thing is to be sincere.
  
  
  Of course, we are not talking about buying up all the toys in children's stores, but about paying attention to the child. The baby himself will go towards a new person in his and his mother’s life if he feels confidence in him, a caring attitude towards his mother and a sincere desire to be part of the family. As soon as the baby gets used to the presence of a new person in the family space, he will accept him and begin to take the initiative himself: “Mom, will Uncle Sasha go to the circus with us?” - you can invite the new dad to visit. Not with a suitcase, of course - but, for example, for dinner.
• Introduce the new dad into the baby's life gradually
  Tell him about all the child’s habits, about his character, about what the child categorically does not accept, what he is afraid of and what he loves most of all. It is clear that the child will draw his own conclusions - is this “dad” worth making friends with, or is it necessary to urgently save his mother from him (the child feels people much better than the mother, inspired by new love). But don't stand aside. It is in your interests to help your man and your child understand and accept each other. Let the toys that “Uncle Sasha” gives not be standard teddy bears and kinder surprises, but those things that the child has long dreamed of. Has your child been asking you to take him to the water park for months now? Let “Uncle Sasha” at dinner casually offer him a trip to the water park on the weekend - he’s been dreaming of going for a long time, would you like to go with me? Read also:
• Do not force your child to communicate with the future new dad
  If the child resists, don’t force it, don’t rush things. The baby must see and realize how dear this person is to you, how happy you are after meeting him, how happy you are when your man and your child find a common language.
  
  
  Tell (unobtrusively) your child about how brave and kind “Uncle Sasha” is, about what an interesting job he has, etc. Do not force your child to call your chosen one dad. Even if your man has already moved in with his toothbrush. This should happen naturally. And by the way, this may not happen at all. But that’s not a problem either. There are many families where the child stubbornly calls his stepfather by his first name or patronymic (or just his first name), but at the same time honors and respects him as his own father.
• Do not forbid your child to see his father
  Unless there are real reasons for this (threat to life, etc.). This way you will only turn the child against herself and her man. Two dads are always better than none. Your child will thank you for this one day.
• Gradually leave the child alone with the new dad
  Under the pretext - “I urgently need to run to the store”, “oh, the milk is running out”, “I’ll just take a quick bath”, etc. In private, they will find a common language much faster - the baby will be forced to trust your chosen one, and your chosen one will be forced to find common ground with the baby.
• Do not allow yourself (at least at first) to meet and travel with your man without a child.
  This will not benefit either the relationship between the stepfather and the child, or you yourself. Remember, if a man sees that you value the child’s trust and his peace of mind most of all, he himself will look for ways to win your trust. And he will be more responsible about his new role as your husband and father of someone else’s child.
  
  In the case when the mother does not show concern about finding contact between the stepfather and the baby, the man will not feel this concern either.
• The child should not feel betrayed and abandoned
  No matter how much you want to rush into the arms of your loved one, do not do this in front of your child. No kissing or flirting in the presence of the baby, no “son, go play in your room,” etc. Let your child feel that everything is stable in his world. That nothing has changed. And that his mother still loves him more than anyone. That “Uncle Sasha” will not take his mother away from him. If the baby is aggressive towards the new dad, do not rush to scold him and demand an apology - the child needs time. First, his own father left, and now some strange uncle is trying to take his mother away - naturally, it is psychologically difficult for the child. Give your child the opportunity to figure out the situation on his own and accept this Uncle Sasha, along with his habits of making noise with a razor, sitting in daddy’s place and wielding the TV remote control. It’s difficult, but an intelligent woman will always gently guide, advise and lay down straws.

And a few more recommendations from child psychologists: be honest with your child, do not change family traditions - continue to go to the movies on Saturdays and drink a milkshake and cookies together before bed (just do it with your new dad), don’t try to “buy” your baby with toys (fishing or rides with a new dad are better than another console or other gadget), do not make comments to your chosen one in the presence of a child , remember to be interested in the thoughts and feelings of both, and remember - it’s hard for a new dad too.

I’m 29, my ex is 35, my daughters are 8 and 3 years old. We’re planning a trip to see my dad (ex-husband) for the holidays. I’m very worried myself because I still have feelings for him. This trip is not the goal of renewing a relationship, but an attempt to establish other, friendly ones relationship.
In fact, we haven’t lived together for 4 years (he lives in another city), during which time our second daughter was born - we spent three years painfully “divorcing.” For the last year we haven’t communicated at all. During all this time, she didn’t say a bad word about him; on the contrary, she said that dad loves her very much. Now we communicate via the Internet as friends - this is very important to me. Now my daughter calls him back, writes to him on the internet. But since getting out He can’t come to us - he offered to come to him for the holidays...
At first I wanted to send my mother-in-law with my daughter (we have a good relationship with his family), but neither she nor the ex are happy with this idea. But I’m a little scared...
Of course, there were conversations on the topic of divorce with my daughter. I tried as best I could to explain that dad stopped loving mom - and it’s hard for him and me to be together because of this... That dad loves them very much and is very upset that he can’t be with them. All this is true - he did not leave the family, he left me, and I could not live with him just for the sake of the children, because I love him.
She said that everything is wonderful with us - we are together, we all love and care about each other, and that if dad has someone nearby to take care of him, that’s very good. Of course, the child wants mom and dad to be together and only love each other - I understand everything and try to be more tactful. But I saw how jealous she was of my attempts to improve my personal life and I don’t know how she would react to the fact that he lives with another woman. I don’t even know exactly who his friend with whom he rents an apartment together is, a woman or a man. And I understand - it’s none of my business, it’s all in the past. He has his own life, I have mine. However, I once asked what his plans were for our unfinished house, he replied, “Well, if it’s built, then live. If you don’t want to live with me, I’ll rent.” . so far something like this-)". Some people say that I am selfish - having decided not to live with a man who stopped loving me as a woman. But I know that since I put an end to it, my tantrums have stopped, I have stopped taking it out on the children. , self-esteem has increased, I flirt with men, I study, work, look for myself... And now this trip, so long-awaited for the child and so difficult for me. Talk to the child again? How? Is it worth asking your ex about his personal life and how to do it correctly? Or should he do it (talk to his daughter)? I have already written that I am afraid of this trip, namely that I will show weakness and allow my feelings to take over the understanding that all the points have been made by me and at the same time, this is a challenge to myself, an attempt to look at it with different eyes, and move FINALLY to a new level of relationship - raising children together without living with each other.
Thank you in advance.

Is the woman a single mother? Nowadays, unfortunately, this will not surprise anyone. And there can be a great many reasons why a couple stopped being together, ranging from the banal “they didn’t get along” to betrayal. There are often cases when a man, having learned about the pregnancy of his other half, says to her indifferently: “your child is your problem” and, grabbing his things, disappears from the horizon. And a woman carries her beloved baby, gives birth to him - and only then understands how much her ex has lost in life, having decided not to recognize and not raise his own child.

But it also happens that dads change their minds. And again there could be many reasons for this. Tormented by your conscience? Serious illness? Did your family force you? It's different for everyone. But what should a woman do if suddenly, out of the blue, the baby’s biological father appeared on the horizon, who had previously been completely uninterested in him, and declared his desire and readiness to raise a daughter or son?

Whether you agree or not is entirely up to you. Yes, it is quite possible that parental instincts have awakened in the “former”. Weigh the pros and cons. Try to decide - is there room for resentment in your heart? Or are you ready to finally introduce your sibling to her biological father?

However, you should know: many parents make many mistakes when introducing their baby to the prodigal dad. They simply do not understand how much stress the baby experiences from the appearance of his father - the man he has been waiting for so long. By the way, according to experts, boys experience the absence of their father several times worse than girls.

By the way, it is not small children who experience the appearance of a father with particular excitement, but boys and girls aged 7 to 10 years old - that is, those who probably remember their father from early childhood, but then managed to survive his disappearance and long absence. And then the parent returned.

Remember: the baby needs to be carefully prepared for the arrival of his father. For example, you can tell your son or daughter that dad has arrived and wants to see him. It is very important to choose the right moment. According to psychologists, it is best to break this news to your child before bed. However, if your baby is too impressionable and emotional, then it is better not to make such a confession in the evening, because then the little one will have trouble sleeping.

So, how can you properly organize a child’s first meeting with his dad in order to make it joyful and not painful for the baby? It will be good if dad first talks to his son or daughter by phone and agrees to meet over the phone the other day. It will be great if the mother is present during the first meeting between father and child. Parents should not quarrel in front of the baby or slander each other.

It is advisable not to hold the first meeting between dad and baby at home. Living conditions can distract you from the most important thing - communication with your baby.