How to understand if you need a relationship. Why do we get into relationships and then continue or end them?

Absolutely all couples, without exception, face problems (crises) in relationships.

Even those couples who at first glance seem simply ideal...

There are two options for the development of events: make an effort, work on yourself, change, develop, become better, look for compromises, etc. etc., and also, work on your relationship with your partner so that the relationship is correct, balanced, and ultimately makes sense OR = the simplest option is not to strain and break up. Most people have the 2nd option...

Today, I will tell you about the 1st option, namely: in what cases it is worth trying to save the relationship.

In my opinion, relationships are worth trying to preserve when it makes sense to preserve them.

The meaning is individual for everyone. Below, I will give just a few examples (so that you understand).

What does this mean, does it make sense?

If you feel that you still love your girlfriend/woman, or vice versa, your man = then you need to try to do everything in your power to establish and maintain this relationship.

By the way, it may also be that one of the partners is already ready to end this relationship, and someone on the contrary is still struggling and trying to preserve / improve it... in this case, it is also worth trying to preserve and improve the relationship, because IT MAKES SENSE. In this case, I recommend that someone who is already ready to end the relationship = on the contrary, give their partner a chance, because he (or she) is trying his best, trying to establish and maintain your relationship, so I would recommend going to a meeting.

After all, think about it, it was not without reason that you were with this person for so long. Breaking does not build...

Well, if you have already given a chance = nothing has changed = you will already know 100% that this is the end. You will know for sure that you did everything to save this relationship.

But! If you really don’t want any of this, you don’t want anything anymore, with this person, then you don’t need to force yourself, because the point of a relationship is to strengthen each other, not destroy.

If a relationship has no meaning, then it is not needed. Therefore, if nothing has changed, you have not corrected your problems, mistakes in the relationship, then tell your partner honestly about everything and move on.

If you are well suited to each other = you have common interests, hobbies, you +- think alike, you +- have the same worldview, you are approximately equal to each other, you understand each other perfectly, you are like kindred spirits, as if the same, you are you both feel = then, definitely, it also makes sense to try to preserve and improve your relationship. Because common ground = no relationship can do without them.

Without common ground = no serious relationship is possible in principle. And you already have them. This is your similarity, “relatedness” = a rather rare phenomenon = because we are all different personalities, absolutely different, and meeting “your right” person = quite difficult, I would say extremely difficult, therefore = there is a huge sense in establishing your relationship and maintaining their.

If you don’t see a future together with this person, then there is no point in maintaining the relationship.

When there is a meaning, you see it = then it makes sense to preserve them, improve them, etc. and so on.

There are very few worthy high-ranking individuals in the literal sense of the word. Severe shortage.

If you are lucky enough to meet a truly worthy partner = then there is also a SENSE for establishing and maintaining relationships and you should definitely take advantage of it.

Because there are a dime a dozen of low- and mid-ranking individuals. With which there are a lot of disadvantages, problems, shortcomings, horror, and other things. And if there are other points, for example, feelings, love, sincerity, with such a high-ranking status = then it’s simply worth making every effort to improve your relationship and maintain it and even more: improve together, work in all directions , improve relationships, etc. and so on..

This point is especially relevant (important) for girls/women, because... you are biologically dependent on men, a worthy sexual partner is extremely important to you, because... a worthy man is your main resource in life. No. 1. After all, it is a worthy man who will feed the woman and the offspring: feed, clothe, protect, care, etc. etc., Meeting a decent man in our time is extremely difficult. And if suddenly your man is like that, it makes sense to establish relationships with him and maintain them and improve them.

The same is essentially true for men. In our time, there is also a severe shortage of worthy high-ranking women. Therefore, if you are lucky enough to meet such a young lady, it makes sense to continue to interact with her, provided that, of course, you want it yourself... provided that there are other points, for example, she tries in everything, or there are feelings, love and much more individual...

When the subject of the transaction has already been realized, and the subject of the transaction in the relationship is the children = you always need to look for compromises in an amicable way, with each other, in the relationship, always!

Because children are not in full-fledged families = they have much fewer opportunities than children in full-fledged families, because of this, children not in full-fledged families grow up much less adapted to the surrounding reality, and, accordingly, much less competitive, and, accordingly, and the chances of their survival, in this situation, are much less in comparison with children who grew up in a full-fledged family. Do you understand?

If before the implementation of the subject of the transaction = one and all can be separated, then after the implementation of the subject of the transaction (the birth of children) = it makes sense = you need to try to maintain and improve these relationships.

When making a conclusion, remember the word MEANING, when there is meaning = you can (should) try!

1. If there are feelings, love, etc. = it makes sense to try to maintain and improve relationships.
2. If one of the partners is trying to establish and maintain it, it also makes sense to try.
3. For example, if you are a good match, soul mates. = also makes sense.
4. For example, if you see a happy future together with this person... = it makes sense.
5. If the partner is worth it = worthy, high-ranking = also makes sense.
6. If you have a child (children) together, it also makes sense to establish and maintain the relationship.
7. and much more related to the word MEANING = when it exists = it is worth it. IMHO!

Congratulations, administrator.

Knowing when to quit and when to move on is key to emotional survival.

While we are not 200% sure that the relationship is over, we continue to believe in it. This is understandable, because over the course of several years (or months) we become so attached to a person, we can say “grow into” him, that parting is very painful. It is clear that you are trying to maintain the relationship: there is always hope that it will change for the better.

Not everyone has the courage to destroy a relationship the moment it really ends. Here are 21 signs that “finita la commedia”, if it has not yet arrived, is already very, very close. If you say at least four points out of all: “This is about us,” think about breaking up more seriously than usual.

1. Resentment

You are constantly offended by your partner, but you don’t say anything. You think that this is how you save your relationship, but in fact you are only delaying that unpleasant moment when all the accumulated negativity will burst out and your relationship will end in a painful break.

Resentment does not go away, especially if the factors that cause it do not disappear. If it doesn’t spill out, it means it accumulates inside, and this causes stress and illness. And, of course, it destroys relationships - slowly but surely.

2. Disrespect

If you and your partner have reached the point where you are showing mutual disrespect, it is time to destroy your illusions. There is nothing easier than to stop feeling attached to someone who disrespects you.

People can continue to live together without respect and awareness of each other's value, which leads to absolute indifference about the needs and desires of the partner. Well, what kind of continuation can we talk about?

3. Contempt

It doesn’t matter what motives caused contempt, be it a failed career, changes in appearance, or something else. Partners should support each other in any situation, because isn’t this warmth what we really need under any circumstances, and especially during some personal problems.

If you start to treat each other with contempt, no longer receive warmth from the relationship, and live not with a friend who will understand, but with a cold creature who judges you, why continue?

4. Lies

I'm talking about that lie when you tell a person: “I love you” without experiencing any feelings. You're afraid of hurting him, but you're not actually protecting him, you're only making things worse. The truth will come out: you cannot lie your whole life without ruining it for yourself and your partner.

Well, if you say to yourself: “We are happy, I am happy, everything is fine with us,” when you feel that everything is already over for you, this is also an escape from reality.

5. Mistrust

If you don't trust your partner, then there are reasons for this. If they are so serious that trust cannot be regained, why stay with this person? Checking, worrying and wasting your nerves all your life?

6. Swearing in public

Anything good you can say about your partner can be said in public. And it’s better to leave all the bad things for personal conversations. Scolding a person in public means only achieving a negative response or hidden resentment.

In addition, if you scold your partner in public or even just allow yourself unpleasant jokes about him, it means that dissatisfaction is growing inside, which has already begun to spill out.

7. Distance

You have already broken off the emotional connection with your partner and thus gently let him know that it is all over. Maybe it’s better to do it right away, rather than create suffering and doubt?

8. Demanding proof of love

“If you love me, you...” It’s very tempting to control a person’s life in this way, and if you periodically hear this phrase, then something has gone wrong.

The only person who can change his feelings is himself, and your actions have nothing to do with it.

Well, if you say so yourself, think about whether you really need this person, will he become loved if he does something? And is it possible to manipulate someone who really is?

9. Public humiliation

If your partner humiliates you in public once, there is a high probability that he will do it again and again. It doesn’t matter that he drank a lot that evening or was in a bad mood.

Public humiliation of a partner only speaks of deep self-hatred, and no matter how much love you give to this person, it will not improve the situation without his strong desire to change and work with his self-esteem. And this is difficult not only to correct, but even to admit.

10. Obsession with another person

If your partner is obsessed with another person - whether he is friends with him or hopes for a closer relationship - sooner or later this will lead to a breakup.

Of course, this does not mean that partners should completely immerse themselves in each other and give all their energy to only one person, but an obsession with someone else is fraught with suspicion, jealousy and resentment.

Yes, your partner is clearly missing something in your relationship if he is so drawn to another person, but you are unlikely to be able to give it to him. And you certainly shouldn’t cheat on yourself for the sake of another person.

11. Obsession with pornography

There's nothing weird or bad about partners watching porn together. Some semblance of voyeurism helps to get aroused and find something new that you can later try in bed with a partner.

But if one of the partners is obsessed with pornography, complete satisfaction will always elude him: in pursuit of the Holy Grail of multiples, he may end up on the path of sexual perversion.

So, if you are not satisfied with such arrangements, think about both the root cause of this obsession and the possible consequences.

12. Emotional infidelity

Some people believe that monogamy is the only possible relationship option, for others it is difficult and almost impossible.

If you cheated for the sake of a variety of sexual experiences, the relationship can still be saved, but if there is an emotional attachment to the person with whom you had an intimate relationship, it is time to end the relationship.

The first question people ask when they find out their partner is unfaithful is: “Do you love him/her?” Because it is the emotional, and not the physical, connection that is the core of the relationship, and if it is gone, then there is nothing more for you to do here.

13. Inability to end the conflict

It begins as an endless struggle without reaching consensus, which gradually develops into “as you wish”, when the partners no longer care about the results of their struggle.

There is a rule: never go to bed angry at each other. And there's definitely something there.

If neither partner can pacify his pride and desire to always be the winner in a dispute, cannot agree to a truce without achieving his goal, this relationship has no continuation.

14. Subconscious

If you unconsciously do things that are harmful to your relationship, this is your psyche telling you what you really need.

You can think whatever you want, but your actions speak of your true desires better than all your assurances and hopes.

15. Obsession

If your partner has an obsession with, for example, alcohol or substances, he/she is a shopaholic, a gambler, a workaholic or obsessed with sex, you will always be in second or even fifth place and will not get the emotional connection that you would like.

If you don't have an obsession with something, your partner's addiction can ruin not only his life, but yours as well. Not a very pleasant prospect.

16. Painful attachment to exes

If your partner still maintains a more than close relationship with his ex-passion or husband/wife, this is destroying the relationship.

Former partners need to be respected, especially if you have children together, but the first role is still given to the current partner. If this doesn't happen, it's easy to feel unimportant and unwanted, which is a recipe for breakup.

17. Threats and emotional blackmail

This is a clear sign. Emotional blackmail is often presented as intense love, but in reality it is control. And control, in turn, is the abuse of feelings. You have to run away from this as far as you can see.

18. Constant comparison and ratings

Does your partner compare you to those who look more attractive, earn more, are smarter and more interesting than you? This is a form of humiliation. If someone thinks the grass is greener in someone else's yard, let them go there.

People are unique creatures, although they are similar in many ways. You shouldn’t compare yourself, let alone listen to it from your partner.

19. Indifference

Why stay together if you don't care about each other?

20. Disappearance of attachment

There's nothing wrong with wanting a roommate, but if you want more from a relationship, don't stay with a partner who isn't the one for you. Don't just stay because it's convenient for you.

21. Physical violence

There are no excuses, no explanations, circumstances and promises do not matter. You just have to leave.

In general, conflicts in relationships are a way to get rid of pain, but their reasons may vary. This can be a way to open the boil of dissatisfaction and resentment that has arisen in the relationship in order to clean out the wound, remove what is bothering you, and save the relationship.

But it also happens differently, when conflicts are a way to break off a relationship, to tell the other person that it is over, that it is no longer worth torturing each other.

And it’s better to learn to distinguish one conflict from another, otherwise it will be painful and bad for both partners.

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When we start building a relationship with a new young man, one of the main thoughts we always have is: do we really need this relationship? Perhaps we are looking for something different.

We decided to figure out how to understand what kind of relationship you need, whether it is worth developing it or slowing down at the initial stage. Undoubtedly, everyone individually selects a partner for life, but at the same time, there are 5 main signs that your relationship is doomed.

1. You don't respect each other

Respect plays one of the important roles in relationships. It is on this factor that friendships and any other relationships are built. If there is no minimum respect in your relationship, then it is doomed to failure in the future.

1. He doesn't have the qualities you see in your future partner

Since childhood, every girl knows exactly what qualities her partner should have. In childhood, this is a “prince on a white horse,” but over the years, every girl realizes exactly what she needs.

1. Your views on the future are completely different

You want a family, and he wants to travel around the world. If you cannot agree on the future, then this is a sure sign that there will be no development in your relationship in the future.

1. With him you're wearing a mask and you're not real.

With “our” person, we will always be real. But if you have to put on a mask and not be real, then end this relationship at the first stage.

1. Something about him irritates you

You understand that he is too good or too bad. Everything seems fine, but not the way you need it.

Question to a psychologist

We've known each other for a year and a half.
There was never an official relationship, although there were times when he broke down and came to me, when he was jealous of his boyfriends and the like, when we didn’t see each other for a long time, I missed his smell and his voice.
We also had intimate relationships.
Until the last month and a half, everything suited me, but a kind of crisis arose. The uncertainty in our relationship began to irritate me. He just started to piss me off. From time to time there was a desire to run into a scandal, and I did it, then biting myself for it.
We tried to talk. He said that he didn’t care that I felt bad, that he also wanted to change something in our relationship (he didn’t know what exactly). I gave him time for him to decide what was between us, and he gave me advice: talk to friends, maybe they will advise. Friends advised me to cool off towards him and see what comes of it. He didn't like it.
When the time came to dot all the i’s, he chose the option suggested by my friends and said that he would not let me love him. I agreed. After a couple of hours, the realization of loss came over me.
A week later, I asked him to take my sweater away from me, to which I received the answer “keep it for yourself,” and after some conversation he said the phrase “you know, in our relationship I am faithful to you.” And I don’t know what that means. I'm tired. I'm sick of. Now he wants to leave the city for a week to think. And I also need to think. Only I can’t understand whether I need this relationship? And I can’t understand what he’s doing in them.

Ekaterina, neither friends nor a psychologist can decide for you.

First of all, you need to understand what exactly you YOURSELF want from this relationship and what kind of future you see - with this person or without him, married to him or married to someone else or without marriage, etc.

A psychologist or friends can help you figure it out, but the final decision is up to you. This, of course, is difficult, but no one except you can know what is best for you.

I will write something that can help you understand.

Usually relationships develop in stages, the first stage is meetings, the second stage is creating a family, the third is a family with children, etc. The transition to each next stage is accompanied by a crisis. The way out of the crisis is either a transition to the next stage, or the relationship ends.

And if you decide to end the relationship, then the feeling of loss is inevitable, because you invested, gave time, part of your life and part of yourself to it. But sometimes ending a relationship is really better than continuing it - as the saying goes, “Better a terrible ending than endless horror.”

Do you have a desire to live with this person and raise children with him?

Think about how you see your future, regardless of it, just yourself and your future? And then think about whether there is a place for him there, do you need him there?

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Hello, Ekaterina! Your relationship is now causing you pain and misunderstanding; of course, at first you were absorbed in it, but it hurt you because you don’t know what kind of relationship this is, what will happen next, that you are together, but at the same time you are not! And that’s why you wanted to understand the situation and find out for yourself whether you are together or not! But at the same time, your young man acted rather infantilely - he suggested that the solution to the problem be shifted to your friends - after all, this is only your relationship and only you yourself had to make decisions together, but neither his nor your friends! Thus, he still transferred all responsibility for the relationship from himself to you! And this is quite immature, irresponsible and infantile on his part! Think about it - do you need these incomprehensible relationships, and the person who cannot solve the problem himself and only runs away from them and shifts everything from himself? What will he give you? Is this the kind of relationship you deserve? What will this relationship give you?

Ekaterina, it can be difficult to understand your feelings and yourself on your own - if you decide, you can safely contact me - call me - I will be glad to see you and help you!

Good answer 1 Bad answer 1

Hello, Ekaterina! Unfortunately, no one except you can decide whether you need this relationship. HOWEVER, if it is difficult for you to understand the feelings that you are experiencing, you may need to turn to a specialist for help. Theoretically, you can find yourself at the transition point of a relationship: from the first ardent love to another period, when either cooling occurs or feelings deepen. But, in any case, it won’t be the same before. If you need professional help, I will be happy to help you. You can also write to me by email: [email protected] Sincerely, Good answer 5 Bad answer 0

Ekaterina, you often repeat “I can’t understand”... Yes, and he... is in uncertainty, the very one about which you write (as an example - “... wants to change something in our relationship (what exactly - not knows)..." It’s as if you went somewhere, got out, but, alas, didn’t set a goal, a destination... Or - you need to change something in the car, otherwise the brakes are bad, but I don’t know that, probably, the water in the tank needs to be changed... You're looking in the wrong place!

The position is childish (ask friends!), friends said something “of their own”, so what? With you everything is different, their “recipes” are useless...

Complete incomprehensibility - “...he said that he wouldn’t let me love him (what kind of garbage, excuse me, how can this be in reality?). I agreed (to what???) or else - “We’ve known each other for a year and a half . There was never an official relationship, although there were times when he broke down and came to me, when he was jealous of his boyfriends and the like, when we didn’t see each other for a long time, I missed his smell and his voice. There were also intimate relationships between us." Porridge, vinaigrette and chaos... How can you live in this? It’s time to sort it out, preferably with a professional. And you will continue to “ruin”, “roll over”, “get tired”...

The question was clearly asked: “Are to me this relationship"? Come if it’s important to understand this. Usually we “don’t notice the beam in our own eye” (proverb), and a psychologist helps us figure it out.

And what happened 1.5 months ago, by the way?

Good answer 2 Bad answer 1

Question to a psychologist:

I live in a small town, I’m 35... My whole life, hobbies, work are here, a young man is 5 years younger than me, he loves me, he’s reliable, he wants a family in the future, but I was already married and I don’t want to go back there ! This is an eternal expectation from your partner that he will pay attention to you, routine, cooking, washing, etc. In general, one day is like another! And I really want to travel! Moreover, we are different, he is a pragmatist, a skeptic and a conservative, and I am a creative person, you know... constantly in dreams, in flight. We’ve been living together for half a year, how we live, from quarrel to quarrel, as if I had to follow the orders of my grandfather! (He just lived his whole life with his grandmother, so he developed such a character). He constantly annoys me with this, I always want to run away, which I do, but he brings me back, saying, I love you, I can’t live without you, he’ll press me for pity, and I obey. Our intimacy is more than wonderful, but you won’t get enough of it in life. At first I thought that I loved him, but now I understand that it’s just love and I’m not ready to cook borscht for him until the end of time! The ex-husband is still constantly flashing on the horizon, he wants to come back, we lived together for 15 years, we are kindred spirits, but he drinks a lot, and I just can’t stand it! Maybe go to live in a big city, find a job, I really want to live for myself, see the world, otherwise I won’t really see anything, all the beauty, what are we living for??? But something stops me, fear. Or maybe I got too drunk? I’m completely confused, people, help me... These thoughts are constantly in my head, there’s no way to hide from them!!!

Psychologist Victoria Vladimirovna Unterova answers the question.

Hello, Elena! Only you can decide whether you need this relationship. But in order for certainty to appear, think about what you want in life? What are your goals? What makes you happy?

If you leave everything as it is now, are you ready to live like this for many years?

You write that you have fear, but it is quite natural, because if you decide to go to another city, work there, travel to different countries, then this is a completely new lifestyle for you, which means new habits, a new environment. Any more or less significant changes are stressful for every person. Try to “test” yourself: imagine that now you need to move to the same big city that you mentioned. We need to pack our bags and go out. How do you feel when you imagine this? What is more - anxiety or joyful expectations, pleasant anticipation? After all, it happens that while dreaming about something, we are actually not ready to change everything. Therefore, with the help of the “test” - you would be ready to leave right now towards a new life, you will understand yourself better.

If you are not ready right now, but you don’t want to live with your partner anymore, then think through your action plan in detail. What can you do for yourself now? Where to begin? Maybe it’s searching for a job in the desired city via the Internet, maybe making new acquaintances, both business and friendly. Make a list for yourself and follow it.

Elena, in the process of these thoughts and actions, certainty will come, just listen to yourself. And these actions are not irreversible. Even if as a result of your steps you realize that you do not want to change your life, new plans appear - nothing bad will happen. Respect your desires, live the way you want, because this is the only way you can achieve inner harmony.