How not to depend on your husband emotionally. We reveal the secret of how to get rid of emotional dependence

Hello! My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have a 4-year-old daughter together. The problem is that my husband defends his brother and mother in every possible way when they disrespect me while visiting us. In any case, he is always on their side.

I also really don’t like the fact that he talks too openly with them about our family life, even when he shouldn’t. I haven’t worked for many years, after the birth of my daughter I noticed that my husband began to take advantage of my dependent position on him not in the best way. I often experience moral pressure and financial dependence. Moreover, if I tell him an unpleasant thing, he can punish me for it; for the last time he canceled our trip, which we had long planned together.

We went through the most difficult times in our family together, and now my husband makes me understand that he can do everything himself, since he earns good money. Sometimes I don’t even dare to raise a problem, otherwise he accuses me of causing a scandal. Please help me how to behave correctly in this situation. Thank you, Claire.

Answer to the question

Hello Claire!

You probably know that most family problems can (and should!) be solved together, by talking about your own desires, needs, what you and he like and don’t like. After all, a person cannot get into our shoes and find out for sure, so we have to speak directly. As you describe, the situation is more complicated, because your husband accuses you of scandals when you try to raise a problem, which means that talking about your own feelings is not enough.

It turns out that now he has taken a dominant position and behaves this way, realizing that you depend on him financially. He is not going to change this, he is so comfortable, he feels that he can do what he wants. In addition, you yourself perceive his behavior as “punishment”. But you have grown up a long time ago, no one can punish you except you. The fact that he canceled the trip can be perceived in another way: for example, as his wounded pride or complex character. When you perceive this precisely as punishment, then you yourself support the painful system that has developed in your family: he is the boss, you are the subordinate; he is dominant, you are dependent.

But in fact, your husband himself depends on you. Yes, yes, that's true, don't be surprised. He depends on your reactions, your perception of the situation, he feels “on top” only when you unconsciously agree to submit, and as soon as you start changing anything, he will no longer feel so good. But this may be the first step towards changes in your situation. Only when the dependent person in a couple becomes independent can the other one begin to respect his opinion, listen to him, and behave fairly. Therefore, if you want to be listened to and respected by your husband, you will have to become independent, both materially and mentally.

Where to begin? In difficult situations, imagine how independent Claire would behave in your place, and do the same as her. Can your husband do everything himself? And you can too! Find other sources of income (for example, a job), do not ask your husband for anything - do everything you need yourself. And this is fair: you must agree, this is what you need, and not someone else. But I want to warn you: be prepared for the fact that your husband may begin to “blackmail” you in a variety of ways in order to maintain the system that you have now. After all, it is much more profitable for him - and they may not even realize it.

You should also be prepared for resistance to becoming independent. And you really want to find some other way out. Remember the real reason for this: your benefits from material dependence. After all, it is very tempting to be wealthy and not do anything for it. Think about what would be healthier for you and your personality:

• be dependent, but financially secure OR
• to be independent, listened to, more confident and respected by other people.

Just please do not confuse independence with coldness; no one can cancel affection and tenderness, caring for your husband, pleasant words and attention. The love of two independent individuals is the healthiest love in the world.

All the best to you, Claire!

Your psychologist Maria Minakova

The phrase “I love him so much that I can’t live without him” evokes a certain admiration in us - like, this is love, this is this feeling. But in fact, there is nothing good in not imagining life without a man at all.

Mutual strong love, when one does not want to see anyone else next to him, but only his chosen one, truly deserves respect. But the inability to remain alone with oneself is nothing more than a voluntary renunciation of inner freedom. But every woman needs freedom, no matter what strong relationship she is in.

“He leaves - and I go out, I don’t want anything, the world turns gray, everything is meaningless. He comes - and I shine, spin, cook, in general, he is a source of energy and strength for me,” those women who sincerely think so are wrong.

For them, a man is not a source of strength and energy, but a drug, and quite a strong one, capable of driving them into a state of depression, when everything falls out of their hands and they don’t want to live. As a rule, such an attitude towards the chosen one indicates that the woman is not self-sufficient, does not value her “I” and sees herself only next to someone, but not alone. She experiences separation from her beloved too painfully, even the shortest, depends on his opinion and mood, cannot imagine that she can buy something without consulting her partner, and is very worried if her choice was not approved. All this torment does not make any of the lovers happy.

The man eventually realizes that there is too much of her in his life, and loses interest because he sees that he has already achieved everything he wanted. And a woman suffers when, for some reason, she does not receive the much-desired “dose” in the form of his attention, approval, or simply his presence nearby.

Of course, it is possible that in your case everything is not so exaggerated, but if you notice that you also want to crawl headlong under the covers when your relationship with your loved one is not going well, he does not call or goes on a business trip, then there is reason to think about whether you are dependent or not. are you from your man? It may well be that these tips will be useful to you.

Don't pass the buck

We have said more than once in our articles that most people like to shift responsibility for everything they feel, or for everything that happens to them, to others. So it’s easier to remain correct in your own eyes, not to blame for any troubles, like: “He didn’t come, that’s why I was upset.” But the only problem is that you allowed yourself to be upset. Yes, perhaps the meeting that was planned fell through, he was delayed at work, but you didn’t even try to spend the free time in any other way, instead you preferred to put on the “I’m sad” mask and pull the blanket over your head again .

Remember: it is not a man who makes you happy, only you allow him to make you so.

Don't get your hopes up too high

If your relationship is at an early stage, and you already feel that the lack of his calls makes you nervously walk back and forth around the apartment, then imagine as if this is just a fleeting connection, nothing more. The thought that this is love forever, forever (at least on your part) will not help you remain calm in this situation. Imagine that a crowd of similar fans is waiting for you outside the door, and go about your business with a cool head. If he calls - good, no - well, the world won’t turn upside down, the end of the world won’t come.

Find something you love

Addiction does not make anyone happy, because as soon as what they want is taken away from a person, he becomes vulnerable and sometimes experiences quite severe suffering. But if you are now dependent on your man, try to find another drug in the form of something you love. Immerse yourself in something that will take your mind off your partner. Feel how your hobby brings you happiness. And you will be surprised that you can sit at a decoupage master class and experience genuine joy, despite the fact that your man is far away.

Communicate

Man is a social being. Well, he can’t sit within four walls and wait for his loved one from work every evening, like the sun in the window. You just need to give your emotions and energy to someone else: friends, relatives, colleagues, even other men, if you don’t allow yourself anything more than light flirting. By the way, the latter is a great way to increase self-esteem. Feel desired, then you will stop literally using tongs to pull attention from your chosen one.

Give him the opportunity to take the initiative

Women who are addicted to men do everything for them - they call 15 times a day, offer to go to a cafe or cinema, ask about how the day went and, without waiting for a mutual question, tell about themselves. In general, wanting to fill the spiritual emptiness that forms every time he disappears from sight, girls completely deprive men of the opportunity to take initiative. Stop beating his hands, he might want to call you, but there’s no need - you just hung up. By the way, as soon as you see that he is paying attention and, most importantly, wants it, your dependence will become a little weaker, because we always desperately want what is more difficult to get.

It just so happened that from time immemorial in the family it was the man who was considered the head, support, breadwinner, protector, and I don’t know what else. But life cannot stand still, Domostroev’s rules have long ago lost their authority and more and more often women began to ask the question: “How to become independent from her husband?” Today it is difficult to find a woman who would not be burdened by the constant expectation of the next financial “investment” from her husband for the purchase of clothes, cosmetics or entertainment with friends. In addition, it’s no secret to any of us women that almost all men consider these expenses completely useless!

Yes, children, order and comfort in the house are sacred. But under no circumstances should we allow the rest of life to pass by, flashing through the windows of the kitchen and nursery! For the sake of a man, hide your virtues and talents deeper, completely submitting to him? No way! Today we will tell you how to become independent from your husband and show all your best qualities as a unique individual.

Women's dependence on husbands

Usually, as soon as two people start living together, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s a legal marriage or just living together, women’s “girlish” interests fade into secondary roles. Career? Why is it needed, it doesn’t suit a woman at all, it’s better to support me on the way to my professional heights! Hobby? Don’t you know that now your main hobby is me? Personal time? Honey, your personal time will now be occupied by me personally!

Indeed, running a household and caring for children (including the most important child - the husband) places new “official” responsibilities on the shoulders of a woman, who are already fragile. Trying to fulfill them as best as possible, a woman pushes her own life, her own interests further and further in order to maintain a good relationship with her husband and raise good children.

Increasingly, she neglects her hobbies for the sake of her husband’s hobbies, cooks his favorite dishes, watches films that he likes, and even uses cosmetics approved by her husband (in especially advanced cases, bought by him). To disappear into the life of a man - well, which of us women dreamed of this in our youth? Each of us wanted to reveal our abilities, to take a worthy place in a prestigious company with a respectable position and an equally respectable salary. What instead? “A woman’s place is in the kitchen!” - and now the children have grown up and fled to youth parties, and the new dress in the closet has gone out of fashion, never seeing the light of day.

Why should a woman become independent?

The critical mass of women's discontent gradually increases and periodically spills over with short-term scandals, quarrels and almost constant depression - after all, the woman feels that her life was in vain! The husband is increasingly “late at work” (of course, it’s unpleasant for him to see an eternally dissatisfied face), the relationship is getting worse, and then the children are getting out of control - and this is not surprising, it’s unlikely that the always grumbling mother has stopped monitoring himself, is now an authority for them. Is there a way out of this seemingly vicious circle? Of course have! Stop sacrificing yourself and living in other people's lives. Remember that there is such a wonderful, unique personality - you yourself and become independent from your husband!

Psychological techniques for problem solving

The origins of subconscious dependence on a man are largely determined by our childhood, when we were drawn to a stronger person - usually our father - and looked for support, approval and support in him. And if “psychological blackmail” was practiced in the family, when parents, individually and together, encouraged action with phrases like “If you really love me, you won’t go to the disco today,” a girl can easily grow into a real victim. For the sake of love, she lost something in childhood, in her youth, for the sake of love, she is ready to give up a lot in adult life.

“Is it possible to correct this situation and stop making endless sacrifices?” - this question, like a plea for help, is often heard from women suffering from emerging psychological problems. Are you also wondering about this question? Of course it can be done. Moreover, to raise your own grade, you simply need to do this!

Are you ready to take the first steps towards being worthy of the proud title of “independent woman”? Then let's get started.

1. Choose a comfortable place, a calm, quiet environment. Sit down and relax. Close your eyes. Now try to imagine that the road stretches out in front of you in a long strip - your life. Perhaps for some it will be a country track, and for others it will be a winding mountain path. Look at it as if from the outside and imagine the places where your childhood, the time when you were a teenager, your youth and your current life are located. Try to remember the events and situations that you remember most vividly, where you acted with dignity and can be proud of yourself. Was there a time in your life when you were doing something that you truly enjoyed and were passionate about?
2. Take a blank piece of paper and write down the answers to the following questions as honestly as possible.

• In what words would I describe my relationship with my parents, how it developed, and how would I evaluate the independence that I had in my personal life in my parents’ home?
• How often in my real life can I do what I want?
• Am I afraid of losing my husband as a source of security, stability and financial well-being?
• What could happen to me if I am left alone, without a husband?

A real strong marriage should not imply a “boss-subordinate” relationship; all the joys and failures, responsibilities and privileges of the spouses should be shared fairly - in half.

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Undoubtedly, at first it will be difficult for you not to constantly sacrifice yourself - after all, this has been your usual state for so many years! But it is imperative to make it clear to all your relatives that you will now have your own time and your own interests. You will see for yourself that when an outlet appears in your life, for example, in the form of a forgotten hobby or a long-awaited job, the voids in your soul that came from nowhere will be filled. And in a completely incomprehensible way, this will not make your soul feel heavier; on the contrary, it will become much easier. You are in demand, you can realize your abilities and talents - that’s great!

As soon as your inner world comes into harmony, your family life will become stronger, more stable and much calmer. Remember that your personal life is your independent space, where you should not depend on anyone! Good luck!

Since ancient times, a man has been considered the main thing in everything. Be it profession, family or lifestyle. But in the modern world, house building has already lost its authority, and more and more often from the lips of a woman you can hear the question: “How to become independent?” Don’t wait until your husband allocates money for shopping, lets you go out with friends, or decides whether to play sports or try another hobby. Children, diapers and housekeeping are, of course, those things that rest on a woman’s fragile shoulders. But life shouldn’t pass you by! Burying your personality and talents for a man? Who told you such nonsense! In this article we will dispel all your doubts and explain how to become independent.

Dependence on a man - how to get rid of it?

Where does it all begin? Usually this is either the beginning of cohabitation, or marriage and again cohabitation. Career, personal time and space, which filled life before meeting a man, gradually fade into the background. New roles and responsibilities open up for a woman - housekeeping and everyday life, giving birth to children and raising them. Gradually, the woman begins to sacrifice herself for the sake of good relationships in the family, and begins to dissolve in the man and his life. This is where dependence on the husband begins. It carries within itself the character of sacrifice. Refusal of development and career in favor of children, husband and family - after all, a woman is sure that such a sacrifice will certainly be appreciated. But time passes, and emotional dependence gradually becomes material. After all, my career has gone down the drain! Scandals are gradually brewing: she is bored sitting at home, she doesn’t like that he comes home late and doesn’t pay attention to her, she doesn’t like that he gives her little money, etc. At the same time, the dependent woman begins to be afraid of losing a man who is already beginning to look around, depression begins, problems in relationships, dissatisfaction with her life and much more. But it all started with a banal sacrifice, albeit with good intentions. The only way out of this situation is to become independent!

The reasons why a woman begins to depend on her husband begin in childhood. The parents' mistakes in this case consisted of limiting freedom and initiative. Children who are often told by their parents: “if you love me, you will do as I say,” become dependent. Or vice versa: “if you love me, then you won’t do this.” Considering the fact that women subconsciously look for support and support in a man, a woman will automatically begin to sacrifice herself for the sake of his love. How to correct the situation and become one that bears the proud title of “independent woman”? Of course, you need to solve your psychological problems once and for all. You can do this as follows:

1. Start with a small exercise: close your eyes and imagine that you are sitting on a high mountain, and a long path stretches out in front of you below. She is your life. Look at it carefully, and try to analyze your behavior in some situations that you especially remember. Think back to times when you were proud of yourself, then to times when you did something you enjoy. After that, ask yourself a few questions and answer them honestly:

• What kind of relationship did I have with my parents?
• How often do I do what I want?
• Why am I afraid of losing my spouse?
• what will happen if I am left without a man?

2. Remember situations from childhood in which you were afraid to do something against the will of your parents. Convince yourself that as an adult you have the right to do as you please.

3. Think about what you want from your life? What goals and plans can and want to set for yourself? Try to start implementing them without looking at other people's opinions or disapproval.

4. Remember that the best relationships exist only in those families where both spouses know their worth, do not depend on each other, do not try to change each other, but live in mutual respect, love and harmony.

In any family there should not be a strong and a weak side. All responsibilities of the spouse should be divided in half. Even if at first it will be difficult for you to step out of the role of victim. Make it clear to your household that you have the right to personal time and personal interests. As soon as you start taking care of your own affairs in addition to your household, you will feel how light your soul becomes and see how quickly your family life will improve. Remember that only love and mutual respect in this world can work miracles. And personal space is your world, where you can no longer depend on anyone.

Many girls dream of marrying a rich man, mistakenly believing that family life, where the wife lives dependent on her husband and can spend any money on her whims, is like a fairy tale. In fact, wives who do not work anywhere are dependent individuals with low self-esteem, who consider themselves unable to provide for themselves on their own and prefer to endure rather than try to change their lives.

None woman cannot feel happy while remaining dependent on a man. After all, any addiction means only one thing - to obey other people's rules, and not to manage your life. The first thing a woman who dreams of a happy marriage needs to do is, regardless of how much her husband earns, make every effort to maintain her personal integrity. To do this, you must already declare at the beginning of your life together: “I do not intend to leave my job, the role of a housewife does not suit me!”

Of course, many women, after reading this, they may protest, saying: “A woman’s purpose is to love and be loved, and not to work like a horse. Housewife women have a lot of time to take care of themselves, take care of children and husbands. Their husbands carry them in their arms, so they can't be unhappy!" Yes, there are some unemployed women who are satisfied with their lives, but there are only a few of them.

Basic quantity women, financially dependent on, feel like a toy in the hands of their spouse and experience daily fear that they might get bored, and he will find himself a more interesting woman, who clearly wins against the backdrop of the “faceless doll.” They are afraid not so much of losing their husband as of being left without a livelihood. Therefore, many prefer to unquestioningly fulfill all the whims of their husband and forgive him everything. Can such a life be called happy?

Be independent from her husband- the key to true female happiness. It is difficult to find a married woman who would not be burdened by constant expectations when her husband will give her a fur coat, a ring, or allocate money to buy clothes, cosmetics and entertainment with friends. Almost all men are ready to part with a large sum of money for the sake of the woman they love, but in return for this they demand unquestioning worship and submission. A dependent woman tries to please her husband in everything and not to contradict him, gradually turning into a slave.

Strong wish getting rid of financial and psychological dependence on a husband forces women to turn to psychologists, since constant fear and stress inevitably lead to prolonged depression over time. Is it possible to avoid such a development of the situation if you decide for yourself that you also have the right to have your own opinion and decide what is convenient for you and what is not? That you are as free a person as your husband. That you can also refuse if you don’t feel like doing something. At the same time, do not apologize, do not explain or make excuses....

Quit the habit guess about your husband's mood by his voice. If you see that he is dissatisfied with something, directly ask him about it or ignore him. He wants to tell himself. Yes, you, just like him, have the right not to immediately answer his calls, stay late at work and not explain anything. Ask him not to do this again, because you don’t like his behavior. But only an independent woman who values ​​her freedom can behave this way.

To find freedom, you need to take on a number of responsibilities, namely:

1. Earn Money. If you cannot imagine your life without the financial support of your husband, then this is a sign that you are striving not for freedom, but for an idle life. Freedom is not only the key to a successful and happy life, but also a number of responsibilities. Even if you are not able to go to work right now, for example, you are on maternity leave, do not turn into a housewife. Improve your self-education to become a sought-after specialist and start working immediately after maternity leave. Purposeful and hardworking employees are always valuable; after a while, they inevitably become indispensable and receive high salaries.

2. Be independent. There is no need to turn love into addiction. Don’t rush to immediately ask your husband for help and stop complaining to him about every issue. Try to solve your problems on your own, for example, change your apartment, place your child in a prestigious kindergarten, or send him to a sports school. To prevent your independence from becoming the cause of family quarrels, inform your husband about your decision, but do not ask him. Relationships in families where the wife is her husband’s assistant and friend, and does not sit on his neck, are much stronger. Don’t be afraid to spend time separately from your husband, let him get bored a little and understand that he can’t live without you.

3. Don't be jealous. Learn to trust your husband and behave in such a way that he does not have reasons to be jealous of you. Trying to be independent, many women go too far, spending a lot of time with friends, going out to restaurants and parties with friends. We must not forget that freedom alone is not enough for happiness; it is extremely important to maintain the love and respect of all family members. Jealousy destroys relationships, which is why they say: “Loneliness is the other side of freedom.”

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