Quality or quantity: how much attention does a child need? Consultation for parents “Children do not have enough attention Children pay a lot of attention to their own.

Ekaterina Denibekova
“How important it is to pay attention to children!” Consultation for parents

“To raise a happy child, you need to spend half as much money and twice as much time on him.” Esther Sels Don

I think of this quote very often!

Indeed, first of all, a child needs parental care and most importantly love and attention! The most important thing is that every child should feel that he is loved parents! Only in this case will he feel happy. We often, due to lack of time "we're paying off" "We're making excuses" from children with gifts and expensive toys. But it arises question: Will they replace live communication, will they give as much positivity and joy as playing together?

Sometimes, while walking on the playground, mothers’ thoughts are somewhere far away. Some are thinking over the menu for lunch and dinner, others are thinking about how to have time to check up on their senior’s homework, iron a bunch of laundry, someone is immersed in social networks…. and the children are on their own, entertaining themselves as best they can! After all, this is what happens—we give the child a shovel in his hands, while we ourselves are somewhere far away, in our thoughts and everyday affairs. Let's take a break and run home!

Just imagine how happy a child would be if you played with him! How much delight you would see in children's eyes! We took out toys, set up towers, roads and garages, laid out the dishes and then dad would join in and it would be a perfect evening with the family, and most importantly, they would bring so much joy to the child! If he doesn’t feel love parents, then you won’t feel happy. And this is very important for its development, becoming a full-fledged personality.

And then the child is not a hindrance in household chores, involve him in household chores, if dad takes on some work around the house, then let him ask the child to provide him with all possible help, that is, hold some tool. If you want to fry potatoes, then ask your child to help you, and in return, after preparing dinner, promise to play his favorite game with him. If you are going shopping, tell your child that you really need his help.

I am sure that it is impossible to spoil a child with joint games and time spent together, but it can make him happier! Just be able to break away from household chores for 20-30 minutes and be with your child! And warm hugs are guaranteed to you! Your affection, kiss, hug can replace literally everything for a child, because first of all you give him support in life.

Publications on the topic:

Fairy tales, like games, are an integral part of the development and upbringing of every child. How are fairy tales useful? Firstly, fairy tales develop.

“How to help emotional children.” Consultation for parents The emotional development of a child begins from the first moments of the mother's pregnancy, and even earlier. After all, chronic fatigue, family.

Today I would like to share my thoughts about how important it is to spend time with children, love them, and play with them. Of course we all come.

Consultation for parents “How to develop attention in a child” Consultation for parents. “How to develop attention in a child” Dear parents! Remember that attention is an important mental process. This.

Consultation for parents “Is it possible to train attention?” Is it possible to train attention? As a teacher, in my work I pay a lot of attention to cooperation with families on issues of raising children.

Consultation for parents “What is important to know about a child of the third year of life in order to understand him?” Very often parents have this question. The little fool behaves in such a way that, willy-nilly, for the sake of his own well-being.

Consultation for parents “What is important to know about a three-year-old child in order to better understand him” (About the crisis of a three-year-old child) Finally, your child is exactly three years old. He is already almost independent: he walks, runs, talks. You can trust him with a lot, your requirements.

One summer, a German family visited our dacha. Sabina, Gernet and 3-year-old Robert. So I “spotted” a wonderful family rule from them, which, before this acquaintance, we did not apply at home.

Jean Ledloff

Should the mother always satisfy the baby's needs for her presence and attention? There are fears that excessive attention leads to spoiling.

Evolution has equipped babies with cues and gestures that promote healthy development, and it's the smartest way to respond to them. As parents, we must follow our impulse to rush to our babies when they cry, smile back at them, talk to them when they babble, etc. Babies are biologically prepared to guide us in the experiences that they “is necessary, and our relations with them will develop in the most favorable way if we follow their promptings.

This position has been shown to be supported by research by Ainsworth and others. One-year-old babies' attachment to their parents was strong if they responded sensitively and quickly to their babies' signals. At home, these babies cry less often than other babies and are relatively independent. They seem to develop the feeling that they can always get their parent's attention when needed, so they can relax and explore the world around them. Of course, such babies keep track of where their parents are; the attachment system is too strong to be completely turned off. But even in a new environment, they do not show excessive anxiety about the presence of their mother. On the contrary, they use it as a reliable starting point for their research. They venture away from it to explore their surroundings, and although they look around and perhaps return to it from time to time, they resume their explorations after a short time. “This picture,” said Bowlby, “suggests a happy balance between exploration and attachment” (1982, p. 338).

Parents, according to Bowlby, can raise a spoiled and pampered child. But this will not happen as a result of their excessive sensitivity and responsiveness to the baby’s signals. If we look closely, we will see that the parent takes all the initiative. A parent can achieve closeness to a child or shower love on him, whether the child wants it or not. The parent does not focus on the child (p. 375).

In recent years, many parents have found a new way to intervene. They provide their infants and toddlers with all sorts of early stimulation, from educational pictures to computers, in an attempt to speed up their children's intellectual development. Ainsworth considered such parental behavior to be unhealthy because it took away too much initiative from the child (cited by Kagep, 1994, p. 416).

Parents can do more good, argue Ainsworth and Bowlby, by empowering their children to follow their own interests. Parents can often do this by simply making themselves available to the child, providing him with a reliable starting point in his explorations. For example, when a little girl wants to climb a large rock or dive into the surf, the presence of a parent is necessary for the safety of the child and to provide assistance if needed. But the child does not need the supervision and instructions of the parent. All he needs is the availability of a patient parent. This alone gives him the necessary confidence to boldly explore new activities and explore the world on his own.

As children mature, they can successfully spend increasingly longer periods of time completely separated from their primary caregivers. Five-year-olds may be away from school for half a day or more, and teenagers may spend weeks or even months away from home. However, we all overcome life's challenges with the greatest confidence when we know that we have a home, cherished by our family or companions, to which we can return. “All of us, from cradle to grave, are happiest when life is organized into a series of excursions, long or short, from some secure starting point provided by our attachment figure(s)” (Bowlby, 1988, p, 62 ).

Separation

Bowlby, as we have seen, was one of the first to draw attention to the potentially harmful effects of parental separation. His work with James Robertson in the early 1950s. convinced many that placing a small child in a hospital with little contact with the parents would cause the child great distress, and over the years more and more hospitals began to allow mothers and fathers to share a room with their young children.

Bowlby's work also has implications for the selection of foster parents and caregivers. If we need to move a child from one family to another, we must take into account the baby's attachment stage. If possible, it would seem most sensible to place the baby in a permanent home environment for the first few months of life, before he begins to direct his affection towards any one person. Separation is likely to be most painful between the ages of 6 months and 3-4 years. During this time, the child develops intensive attachment formations and lacks the independence and cognitive abilities to cope with separation in an adaptive manner (Ainsworth, 1973).

Boarding school deprivation

As noted, Bowlby was also one of the first to draw attention to the potentially harmful effects of being raised in orphanages. In the early 1950s. he noticed that in many orphanages, contact between children and adults is so rare that children are unable to form attachments to any adults. Bowlby's works had a positive impact on this area.

In 1970, continuing the same tradition, pediatricians Marshall Klaus and John Kennell began to argue that ordinary hospital care for a newborn baby is already a type of institutional deprivation. Previously, in maternity hospitals, newborns were typically kept separate from their mothers for long periods of time. The baby was in the children's ward and was fed once every 4 hours. This practice served to prevent infections, but the main effect, according to Klaus & Kennell (1970), was to deprive mothers of the opportunity to begin to bond with their infants. This is especially undesirable because the first few days may constitute a "sensitive period" in the process of bond formation.

Klaus & Kennell (1970, 1983) pointed out that... Throughout much of human evolution, mothers carried their newborns, and in this maternal environment, babies developed reactions and qualities that facilitated the formation of attachment from the very beginning. Newborns open their eyes wide and perk up for a short time, stop crying when they find themselves on an adult's shoulder, rejoice in being nursed, and amaze their parents with their cuteness. Such reactions and qualities immediately awaken feelings of love in the mother. She loves her baby, who looks at her intently, who is comforted by her hugs, who enjoys her breasts and who looks so lovely. Thus, the mother immediately begins to establish a connection with the baby - or began before the advent of modern maternity hospitals.

Klaus & Kennell (1983) pointed to a number of studies that suggest that development is more successful when mothers and babies are provided with at least a few extra hours of care during their stay in the maternity hospital. Mothers appear more confident and calm and breastfeed more often, and babies appear happier. However, critics make a strong case that Klaus and Kennell exaggerated the extent of research support (Eyre, 1992). Despite this, Klaus and Kennell aroused interest in the earliest stages of attachment and had a positive influence on maternity hospital policies that now allow closer contact between mother and infant.

Day care (American nursery)

With more American mothers working outside the home, families are turning to day care centers and enrolling their children at increasingly younger ages. Indeed, day care for infants (children under 12 months of age) has become quite common.

To some extent, day care has become a political issue. Some people argue that day care supports women's right to professional careers. Others advocate for day care because it allows low-income parents to work and earn more money. However, Bowlby (1994, chap. 22) and Ainsworth doubted its usefulness. Does early day care hinder bonding with a parent? What are the emotional effects of daily separation from parents in the first few years of life?

Research on such issues remains incomplete, but it is clear that even infants who spend several hours a day in a day-care center become attached primarily to their parents rather than to the center's caregivers (Clark-Stewart, 1989). It is also clear that children who are placed in day care centers after 12 months of age generally suffer no negative consequences - provided the day care is of good quality (provided by permanent staff who attend to the needs of each child). But many researchers are concerned about children who are sent to day care centers before they are 12 months old. These children often have an insecure, avoidant attachment to their parents. Yet it appears that this risk can be offset by sensitive, responsive parenting and high-quality day care (Rutter & O'Connor, 1999; Stroufe et al., 1996, pp. 234-236). The trouble is that Quality day care isn't always easy to find or afford.

In some ways, the search for quality day care actually reflects broader problems in modern society, as Bowlby (1988, pp. 1-3) and Ainsworth (1994, p. 415) have tried to point out. Previously, in rural communities, parents could take their children with them to work in the fields or workshops, and may have received a lot of help from grandparents, aunts and uncles, teenagers and friends. It was also a time of play and socialization with the children. In today's hectic world the situation is different. Parents usually live separately from their relatives and must raise their children alone, and often return home from work too tired to be truly responsive to their children. Trying to squeeze in half an hour of “quality time” for children every evening only shows how busy parents have become. So while quality day care may seem desirable, what parents actually need are work and social innovations that will allow them to spend significantly more time interacting with their children, relaxing and enjoying it.

A newborn baby requires a lot of attention; as a rule, all the mother’s time is devoted almost exclusively to him. But the child is growing, and the question of how much attention parents should pay to their children remains. There are mothers who make a choice in favor of their child, devoting themselves entirely to his interests. Someone is trying to find the perfect compromise between work and education. Attentive and loving parents make every effort to provide the child with the best.

However, this is not a guarantee that the child will be happy and that the parents are actually acting in his interests. Why this happens, says psychologist Rufina Shirshova.

In touch with the child, or About the quality of parental attention

It always seemed to me that parental attention to a child should be completely devoted to him (the child). Well, that is, a child, for example, plays, and the mother is completely with him, plays with him, shares his activity. Or the child tells something, and the dad is entirely with him, directing all his attention to the child’s words. And it seemed to me that this is exactly what the child wanted. At least, it seemed so to me when I tried to look from the real me into the little me and from the little me invested in me as an adult, to look at the past, at my parents and how they treat me.

And many clients who come to me think so too, and try their best to do so, being in the position of a parent. And, more often than not, nothing works out. Just recently I realized why it doesn’t work. The answer is simple to the point of banality: the child doesn’t need such attention, he doesn’t need it at all, he needs respect, sharing his life with him, recognition of him as important as the parent himself. There needs to be equality, equality between parent and child in terms of importance. Looking at the world through the eyes of a hungry child, you might think that he wants the undivided power and attention of his parent.

What happens if the child does receive the parent's undivided attention?

At the seminar we did an exercise: mother and child look at each other. The presenter is “mother”. The “child” monitors his feelings during different strategies of his mother’s behavior and follows his impulses.

Ignoring and distant mother

Mom controlling the child from the merger. A mother who gives a lot of care and control monitors the child’s boundaries, safety and behavioral norms. Haunting Mom.

Host Mom

Of course, the most unpleasant is the first experience. All participants in this exercise shared that they ended up feeling helpless, powerless and alone. Heaviness and even a seemingly lack of existence and despair.

But the second experience is also interesting. Different participants expressed their control, overprotection, and fusion in different ways. And some even became very attentive and kindly caring and responsible mothers. And yet, children run away from such mothers. They feel great tension and want to tear away such a mother and hide from her. Some children develop fear or irritation, and then almost all of them become resigned to the inevitable. And they practically bow their heads in this inevitability.

And, of course, the experience of communicating with the host mother is very pleasant and healing. Vanity disappears, contact becomes stronger, the look is almost static in appearance, but filled with warmth and light. And under this light, anxiety, desire, movement disappears, you just want to be. The shoulders and neck straighten, the body becomes straighter, more stable, and a feeling of strength and fullness gradually comes. And both of them.

From this experience, the assumption arises that a parent, immersed entirely in the child’s interests, strains the child, does not allow him to feel free, and the child in this situation really wants freedom, wants to breathe calmly. He seems to feel responsible for the tension and concentration of the parent, as opposed to a situation where the parent is attentive, but at the same time relaxed and calm. The next experiment only added more material and strengthened the conclusions.

Not long ago there was a conference on trauma therapy. At one of the workshops we explored the relationship between parent and child. The presenter came up with the hypothesis that a calm and balanced parent gives a child a lot of resources for living his life, the difficulties and discoveries of this life, that if the parents were more balanced and self-sufficient, less controlling, then it would be easier for the child to overcome his difficulties.

The group of participants was divided into mother-child pairs and acted according to instructions, which consisted of three tasks.

A pair of participants in the role of mother and child agrees on what she will do together.

Mom tests her stability, comfort, and works on her sense of balance and internal control. If necessary, rest.

Mom takes care of herself.

What's happened? For some reason, all mothers concentrated on caring for the child and devoted themselves entirely to the child, although this was not part of the instructions. We will not explore why the mothers did this; we can only assume that the mothers in these couples followed an internal impulse - to follow the needs of the child. At the second stage, all the mothers stretched, stretched their bones, shook themselves and smiled, relaxing. And at the third stage, mothers took care of their needs as if they had received an indulgence or a complete right for which no justification was required.

How did the children feel? At the first stage, children felt great tension in all pairs, regardless of the common activity of mother and child. At the second stage, they felt like they were throwing off the burden of responsibility for their mothers’ stress. And on the third they received freedom.

Of course, there are many gray areas in this experiment. And the participants were not sufficiently prepared. And the instructions were not precise enough. One thing is obvious: children feel comfortable when their mother gives enough attention and at the same time she is relaxed and free.

I will complement the picture with my own memories from childhood. I felt happy when my mother was relaxed, active, and happy. And when she was busy in this relaxation and happiness with her business. For a comfortable, fulfilling feeling, half an hour a day of active and joyful communication with my family after dinner was enough for me. The child does not need and is even harmful, maybe even toxic, a parent who is completely immersed in his attention to the child’s affairs; the child needs a harmonious, calm, balanced and responsive parent.

And if the child does not have enough attention from the parent, or the attention is of the wrong quality, then the child reports this quite quickly - through whims, illnesses and a variety of ill-being. In this case, the words are true that it is not quantity that is important, but quality!

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Why is it important to spend time with your child?

Many people claim that a child is the most important thing in life, and that their love simply knows no boundaries, since there is nothing more expensive. However, as practice has shown, modern parents devote more time to their apartment, car and dacha, but not to their beloved baby. In fact, taking care of minor things for the benefit of the child has become more important than the child himself!

All parents shouldspend time with your child, since this is extremely important for his development, education and formation as a person. We should always remember that our life is short, and therefore, devoting it entirely to work and not paying attention to loved ones would be extremely stupid.

We cannot allow our lives to slip through our fingers, pushing away those who truly love us. After all, if you are gone tomorrow, another person will quickly take your place at work. But your children will not be able to replace you with anyone, since for them you are valuable by your very existence.

Save time for the child! - this is a priority position. For the rest we distribute time according to the residual principle.

Most often, young children are given increased attention, but as soon as the child grows up, parents begin to devote minimal time to the child, thus trying to teach him to be independent. However, children's independence and the manifestation of parental attention are two different things. If you believe the statistics, the most independent and caring children grow up from those who received a lot of parental attention.

In practice, spending time with your child is very easy and pleasant. It is enough to talk to him, accompany him with hugs and glances, all this will be simply priceless for a child, no matter how old he is. Be sure to make it clear that he is more important than your job, car and everything else that you devote a lot of time to. Thanks to such simple methods, the child will gain confidence and self-esteem, and this will certainly be useful to him in the future. Just systematically debug all your affairs and devote yourself to your child. Of course, feeding, clothing and giving space for development is very important. But this cannot replace parental attention, and at the same time, your attention should not turn into close control, which develops inferiority in children.

Be sure to think about how much time you devote to your child and try to devote at least a minute more to him every day. Remember that your child will be your main support in old age.

On the topic: methodological developments, presentations and notes

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