Child's interest in genitals. I noticed my son was sexually attracted to me

Does your son show interest in cosmetics and girls' clothing?
When such behavior patterns appear in children of middle adolescence, their parents often begin to feel worried and have many questions: Is my child's behavior abnormal? Should I try to change it? Does my child need professional help?
In fact, some of the characteristics of a child's gender begin to develop long before middle adolescence. A child's awareness of his gender - whether a boy or a girl - comes already in the first year of life. This often begins as early as 8-10 months of age, when the baby first discovers his genitals. After this, between the ages of one and two, children come to understand the physical differences between boys and girls; up to three years of age, as the child acquires a certain idea of ​​himself, he can already firmly say whether he is a boy or a girl. By the age of four, a child’s identification of the distinctive features of his gender becomes stable, and he knows for sure that he will always be a boy or a girl.
At the same time, children learn the distinctive behavior of people of one gender or another - they do things “that boys should do” or “that girls should do.” Even before the age of three, children are able to distinguish between toys that are usually identified with boys or girls (cars or dolls). By age three, they know more about the activities, interests, and activities of boys and girls; many of them start playing with children of the same sex. You've probably noticed that your daughter prefers to play with dolls, bake pies and play house. My son, on the contrary, plays more energetic and active games and shows interest in toy soldiers and cars. These distinctive behaviors, including the toys children play with and the games they participate in, depend on how the child is raised and the expectations placed on him or her.
During middle adolescence, gender differences continue to be strongly expressed not only in the child's preferences to play with children of the same sex, but also in his desire to behave, look, and have things the same as his peers of the same sex. During this period, you will notice how your child expresses his gender identity using behavioral characteristics of one or another gender (and they began to appear already in the preschool years):

1. Through his or her toys, play choices, homework, and roles in the family. More often than not, boys prefer to play “typical boy” games with masculine characteristics, while girls prefer “typical girl” activities with feminine characteristics.
2. Through behavior in society, which reflects the degree of aggressiveness, dominance, submission and gentleness of character.
3. Through the manner and way of expressing behavioral and physical gestures and facial expressions, as well as other non-verbal actions that are characteristic of men or women.
4. Through social relationships, including the gender of the friends the child chooses and the people he tries to imitate. In primary school, children continue to be more influenced by other children of the same sex: boys play more with boys and girls play more with girls. In the early school years, boys often express strong dislike for girls and vice versa - perhaps this serves as a means of strengthening their personal distinctiveness.

A child's gender-distinctive behavior is likely to be strongly influenced by his identification with the men and women in his life. All children acquire the characteristics of the men and women around them, incorporating these characteristics into their own individual characteristics and value systems. They are also influenced by characters on television and sporting events, as well as by adults involved in other activities in their lives. After some time, the combined effect of all these influences may be decisive for the consolidation of many masculine or feminine qualities. Perhaps the most significant factor is the subtlety of each child's relationship with his or her father and mother, and the patterns of parental behavior toward each other and toward the child that influence his or her expression of gender-specific behaviors.

Stereotypes of child sexual behavior

Stereotypes of the characteristics of male and female behavior have a strong place in our society, and when a child's inclinations and interests differ from accepted forms of behavior, he is often subject to ridicule and discrimination.
It's understandable for you as a parent to be concerned about how your teen is accepted by society. You try to teach him how to behave in society so that he can choose the right actions as a member of this culture, even if in some cases they conflict with his interests and abilities. Nevertheless, you should correctly evaluate your good intentions aimed at subordinating him to certain norms, and do not forget that the child should feel comfortable and at peace with himself. Even if he does not fit the accepted stereotypes - for example, if your son does not show much success in sports or is absolutely not interested in them - there are always many different opportunities and areas for the manifestation of abilities. Each child has his own strengths and weaknesses, and in some cases they may not meet the expectations of the surrounding society or himself. However, they can still serve as a source of his present and future success and confidence.
Let us note, not without irony, that stereotypes evolve over time. Over the past few decades, there has been a wave of ongoing changes in gender roles and behavior. Women today are expected to show more self-confidence and “feminism” than their mothers and grandmothers showed. Society expects men to be gentler, more compassionate, and more “feminist.”
So, don't try to force your child to conform to current or traditional forms of sexual behavior, but instead help him develop his own unique potential. Do not pay too much attention or concern to whether the child's interests and strengths correspond to the social roles defined by society at the moment. Give him the opportunity to express himself in his own way.

When there is a mixture of the distinctive characteristics of the sexes

At times, children experience gender role confusion. For example, boys not only cease to show interest in sports, but also identify themselves with the female gender. In the same way, some girls exhibit more masculine characteristics.
As a result of contradictions in gender, children may deny the difference between the sexes. Instead of learning to accept himself for who he really is, the child may express dislike for the part of himself that makes him a boy or a girl.
In the most extreme cases, a boy may act more feminine and exhibit one of the following characteristics.

• He wants to be a girl.
• He wants to grow up to be a woman.
• He shows an increased interest in feminine activities, including playing with dolls or playing in the role of a girl or woman.
• He shows an increased interest in cosmetics, jewelry, or girls' clothing, and enjoys wearing girls' clothing.
• His favorite friends are girls.
• On rare occasions, he may wear clothes of the opposite sex and actually consider himself a girl.

Boys who display feminine traits are in some cases ridiculed, teased by their peers as homosexuals, and shunned. This rejection of a boy can only intensify as he grows up. As a result, boys become withdrawn, insecure or depressed, and begin to struggle with their self-esteem and social relationships.
On the other hand, girls who identify with boys are called tomboys. As a rule, they face less ridicule and difficulties in relationships with peers than effeminate boys. For many girls, a certain amount of mischief is a natural behavior aimed at developing a healthy teenage sexual identity. However, in rare cases, girls exhibit the following characteristic features.

• They express a desire to be a boy.
• They prefer to be friends and communicate with boys.
• During games with fictional characters and events, they prefer male roles.

These characteristic features cause contradictions or confusion between the sexes and relationships with peers of the same sex. The likely reasons for these variations are speculative and controversial. Research shows that both biological factors and social skills play a role in gender differences.
Family and parental influences can also contribute to gender confusion. Studies of family relationships show that effeminate boys have very close relationships with their mothers and cold relationships with their fathers. Research results suggest that the mothers of some effeminate boys themselves promote and support the “feminine” occupation of their sons.
Parents of such children often ask whether mixed behavior will affect sexual preferences and orientation later, that is, whether their child will become homosexual. Long-term research suggests that some (but by no means all) effeminate tomboyish boys and girls actually become bisexual or homosexual in later adolescence and adulthood.

What to do?

If your middle-adolescent child exhibits confusion and gender confusion, talk to him or her directly about the behavior of boys and girls, men and women. For example, talk to your child about typical mannerisms or behaviors that might cause others to react, and work with him to determine more appropriate actions. Empathetic dialogue can help your child better understand their behavior and why it is causing them to react the way they do from their peers. Supporting your child will strengthen their self-esteem and help them resist the peer and social pressure they face.
In addition to your own efforts, talk to your pediatrician, who may recommend that you consult a child psychiatrist or psychologist to help your teen overcome adolescent gender confusion and internal conflict. Consultation with a mental health professional may be necessary if there are issues with gender identity, particularly if any of the following are present:

• the child refuses to accept his biological sex;
• the child plays only with children of the opposite sex;
• At school, the child is socially isolated and/or is teased or ridiculed by peers.

Early professional intervention can help a child with signs of gender confusion. However, there is little evidence that mental health interventions can actually have an impact on gender identification in middle adolescence.
Our society continues to move towards breaking down many of the stereotypes that define and limit our behavior, creating an atmosphere of greater gender equality and balance. The need or desire to receive professional help should only be to some extent determined by a certain discomfort within the family - much more by the social discomfort of the child himself.

Child's sexual orientation

A child's sexual orientation is an area that may cause concern for some parents. A child's interests and behavior during middle adolescence may cause mothers and fathers to become concerned about the possibility that their child is homosexual. They may punish the child for no reason or seek help from a specialist to ensure that their child becomes heterosexual.
However, this is a time when approval and support are paramount for the child. A person’s physical and emotional attraction to persons of the same or opposite sex is a biological phenomenon. Some recent research suggests that the gay man's brain - particularly the amount of tissue in the hypothalamus - is different from the heterosexual man's brain. Only rarely, if at all, is sexual orientation determined by personal experience and environment.
Your child's sexual orientation will actually be firmly established by middle age. But since there is virtually no way to test and identify sexual orientation, it may go unnoticed by other family members until adolescence and beyond. In the meantime, remember that many children try different forms of relationships with their peers, which may be confused with heterosexual or homosexual orientation.
The biggest challenge for gay children and parents is the social pressure to behave heterosexually and the discrimination they may face because of their sexual orientation. This can cause them to become isolated from their peers and even family, causing their self-esteem and self-confidence to suffer greatly. A significant portion of teenage suicide attempts are related to issues of gender confusion and conscious rejection of a boy or girl with a homosexual orientation.
Sexual orientation cannot be changed. The child's heterosexuality or homosexuality is firmly rooted, becoming part of it. Your most important role as a parent is to show your child your understanding, respect, and support. Taking a non-judgmental approach will allow you to gain your child's trust and a better position in which you can help him cope with this difficult time in his life. You must provide your child with your help and support, regardless of his sexual orientation.

Child age: 16

I noticed my son was sexually attracted to me

Please help with advice, I noticed my son has a sexual attraction to me. And he shows it openly. I divorced my ex-husband 10 years ago and live alone with my son. The most important thing is that I haven’t had sex for a long time and my son is pressing on where it hurts the most. Looks for the right moment and makes attempts when I come home from work, very tired. At school, the teachers didn’t notice anything like that; no complaints; she’s a good student. But if it comes to sex, it will cause psychological trauma for him? What should I do? How can I help him?

Catherine

Ekaterina, good afternoon.

Your son is 16 years old, which means he has an active hormonal storm in his body, and his increased interest in the sexual sphere is also due to this. This situation would be healthy if he directed his attention to women his own age, friends from his environment.

You write about raising your son alone - such a situation always places a strong psychological burden on both mother and child, and has a number of features. Are your roles mixed up in your family? On other issues, do you behave with him like a son, or in some ways, in terms of functions, has he taken the place of your spouse?

A situation where a guy at his age openly shows sexual desire for his mother indicates serious problems in the formation of sexuality and the psyche. So that you understand correctly, the situation is already critical.

If, as you write, “it comes to sex,” it can cause irreparable injury. For him, this is the highest probability of problems in relationships with girls, problems in starting a family, and delays in personal development. This threatens both of you with an all-consuming feeling of guilt for an irreparable act.

It is in your power to prevent this. Realize that you control this process more than he does, since it is driven largely by physiological impulses. He cannot now calculate the consequences of this situation, but you can. Therefore, responsibility for what happened will largely lie with you.

Realize that if sexual contact occurs between you, in fact, he will cease to be your son, and you will cease to be his mother. It will be impossible to maintain normal relationships.

This can be avoided if you have a conversation with your son about the inadmissibility of any sexual interaction, and indicate your position with a firm refusal. You should definitely contact a psychologist in person, both you and him.

I recommend that you distance yourself as much as possible for a while, perhaps go somewhere alone or send him (for example, to a sports camp, with peers). This is important to stop this situation from progressing so that both you and the baby avoid further serious injury and problems.

Anna Zubkova, specialist