Friendship after love: difficult relationships. Does love exist after friendship? Does friendship exist after a relationship?

Is it possible to remain friends after a breakup? And is it worth remaining friends? It is these questions that we will answer in our article.

Often when a couple breaks up, someone suggests they be friends. But in reality these are just words. Words that are spoken to you in order to calm you down. So they shouldn't be taken seriously.

First you need to understand the difference between a friend and an acquaintance.

An acquaintance is a person you simply know. In order to become acquaintances, it is enough to meet at least once.

A friend is a close person with whom you have mutual understanding and trust. You also have a selfless relationship with a friend, common interests and hobbies.

Having understood the difference, we come to the conclusion that your ex-partner cannot be a friend and acquaintance. In order to remain just acquaintances, there are many things that bind you together. And in order to be friends, you are again connected by a little more than friendship.

To logically put everything in its place, the word “former” was introduced. Ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. That is, the person for whom you had feelings. He (she) is not your friend, but not your enemy either.

Imagine a situation: you are dating a girl (guy). And then tell your significant other that I’ll go and take a walk with a friend. Take your ex-girlfriend, or if you are a girl, then your ex-boyfriend, respectively, and go for a walk. Now, having imagined this whole situation, ask yourself the question - is this normal? I think no. And if you went for a walk with a friend, that would be normal. Accordingly, it will be difficult for your ex-boyfriend (ex-girlfriend) to be friends with you.

Again, can you trust your ex-love? If you break up, it means that your interests do not coincide. You couldn't be with this person. Then how will you be friends with him?

It is almost impossible to imagine friendship after a love relationship. So you don’t need to console yourself with the fact that everything is fine. Don't expect to see each other either. If you separated, then you did not accept him (her) as he (she) is. This means that we did not find mutual understanding.

As a result, we come to conclusions. That you won’t be able to remain friends with your ex-love. And the words that let's remain friends are just words. And they tell you them in order to comfort you.

I advise you to sit down and think carefully. If you decide to end the relationship, then do so. Don't delay and continue to communicate. It will be painful. One bullet in the head is better than 10 bullets in other parts of the body, after which you die from bleeding. Draw conclusions from past relationships and leave the past in the past. Because you have a future ahead of you. And there may be a person waiting for you there who will love you. So don't keep him waiting.

So, the relationship was destroyed, life together did not work out, “through the years, across distances” it’s no longer possible to walk together. We need to start a new life. And to do this, first part with the old one. More precisely with the old one. But only very rare young ladies - purposeful and strong-willed - can do this in full. Much more often, girls do not break up completely, but put the man aside, as it were, in reserve, transferring him to that very category of “ex.”

Moreover, the term “former” does not at all mean that the person has left forever. The relationship continues and this is just a new status. What phrase does a girl most often use to describe her recently loved one, with whom she has actually already broken up? This is "my ex". Please note that “mine” comes first! This is a very important point: for example, no one will ever say about some expired kefir that was thrown into the trash, “this is my former kefir.” But if it has spoiled, but still remains in the refrigerator, then, without any doubt, it is still “mine.” And it doesn’t matter that the expiration date has long passed. You clearly have some plans for it: well, maybe you can make some kind of mask out of it...

So it is with the notorious “former” people. For a woman who is naturally inclined to stockpile, it is quite natural to subconsciously create a stockpile from a man who has fallen into disrepair. Who knows, would it be good for something else?

What is last year's snow good for?

Oh, the “ex” can be good for a lot of things! In addition to purely household needs (hammering a nail, moving a cabinet), he can, for example, be an excellent conversationalist who knows everything about you. This is how, little by little, that same “friendship with an ex” begins, which is neither fish nor fowl, but just a headache... And then sex with an ex begins to loom on the horizon. An eternal plot, without which Hollywood would have lost a good half of its melodramas. And what, such friendship, anything can happen...

In general, your ex is good for everything except one thing: he cannot become a full-fledged man for you. This is an imitation of a relationship. A wonderful version of “dog in the manger” - he doesn’t take it himself and doesn’t give it to others.

Moreover, for some men this situation is very comfortable. He wanted, for example, attention and communication - and now he, as an “ex,” is knocking on the door. We're friends, aren't we? You needed real help from him, but, let’s say, he was lazy - he immediately went into the bushes, “I don’t owe you anything, I’m an ex.”

However, most men really dislike uncertainty, and hate the word “ex” with a fierce hatred. It’s really a little humiliating when they put such a label on you: it turns out that you’re kind of used, second-hand... That’s why men get so mad at the word “former”, and everyone - both those who are such themselves and those who who is forced to endure the presence of “ex” in the life of his beloved. Well, in conclusion, let’s remember the favorite phrase of cynics: friendship is what a man and a woman do before and after sex. A tangle of problems, and for what?

Make the past the past

After a hot love passion, it’s somehow impossible to be friends, this has been proven many times. A man shelved often becomes a suitcase without a handle, which is hard to carry and a pity to throw away. As a result, there is neither a normal relationship nor the opportunity to build one with someone else. Yes, and some kind of friendship turns out to be fragrant... Frankly, it’s a stupid situation: the man seems to be there, but it’s as if he’s not there!

This is the main catch: the presence of an “ex” in life, even from time to time, gives rise to false illusions, interferes with the development of new relationships and, ultimately, does not end well. In general, there can only be one solution here - the past must be sent to the past, where it belongs. After all, if you drag him along with you, hiding behind all sorts of excuses about friendship, then you won’t have enough energy and time for the present and the future.

What can psychologists advise us about the “former” who does not disappear from life? The main thing, as always, is to recognize the problem and take action. At the same time, oddly enough, any energetic actions aimed at breaking up, such as tragic text messages “goodbye forever” and calls at three o’clock in the morning “forget my number”, are not recommended. And even more so, you shouldn’t arrange many hours of grueling showdowns in the “who will outshout whom” mode.

Oddly enough, all these demonstrative attempts mixed with negativity to formalize the final break, on the contrary, provoke a continuation of communication and plunge even deeper into the quagmire of the past.

There is a psychological paradox: everything that evokes strong emotions (even negative ones) attracts and involves us. But hidden in this same phenomenon is the path to salvation. In order to part with something - it doesn’t matter, with a man, a memory, or an object that is a pity to throw away - you need it to lose its relevance for you. Simply put, it stopped causing emotions, both positive and negative.

How to achieve this? The recipes here are most reminiscent of a strict diet. The main thing is to follow the regime and not allow yourself anything unnecessary. Not a single call, not a single text message. When attempting active contacts, the other side receives a polite but firm refusal. At first it will be difficult, emotional dependence after all. As soon as the desire to communicate arises, you urgently need to switch to something else. Or better yet, for someone...

And if you hold out for some time, strictly observing this regime, then very soon you will feel completely free internally. Including from feelings of guilt due to the fact that they “betrayed friendship.” And from many other negative feelings that are generously given to us by a heavy burden from the past called “former”...

You once had a relationship, but for some reason it didn’t work out. And here the notorious phrase sounds: “let’s remain friends.” Is this a veiled sign of a complete break, or is friendship between former lovers really possible in principle? And what could be the consequences of such a situation? Comments are given by psychologist Marina Vozchikova.

If after a breakup no one is very offended, then why not be friends?

Indeed, often at the end of a relationship, one of the couple - a guy or a girl - suggests: “Let’s remain friends,” says the specialist. - But this does not always mean the intention to be friends. More often we simply do not want to offend a person by refusing him communication. And for real friendship to arise, a number of conditions are necessary.

First of all, you shouldn't be so upset with each other that you avoid communicating. Often we understand that a person is not so bad, he’s just not suitable for us to live together - he’s not the right character, he lacks the necessary qualities that we would like to see in our boyfriend, he has annoying traits, and so on. But as a friend or buddy, the guy suits us quite well.

Friendship between a guy and a girl occurs when they have something in common. Some hobbies, views on life, maybe joint work or territorial proximity. If at least one of these conditions is met, then there is a chance that the proposal to “remain friends” will not remain an empty phrase.

What's good about being friends with your ex-boyfriend?

What are the pros and cons of this type of friendship “after love”?

There are many positive aspects to such relationships.

Firstly, during the period while you were a couple, a certain emotional closeness and understanding arose between you. In other words, it is easier for you to find a common language with each other.

Secondly, you know each other’s strengths and weaknesses well, so you know how to behave with each other, what to expect, and can give or receive practical advice from your ex-partner in a given situation.

Third, the fact that you were once intimate makes your communication more open. There are also couples who remain friends and continue to periodically enter into sexual relationships simply because they enjoy each other and without a hint of a return to the past.

What are the disadvantages of being friends with an ex-boyfriend?

But in such friendship there are also many pitfalls.

Firstly, if one of the couple still has feelings for the former partner, then friendly relations can become torment for him. After all, your ex-lover may already be building a new relationship with someone else, and you are still counting on something... It’s not easy for you to see him regularly, communicate with him and at the same time know that he no longer belongs to you... They may have place seemingly unreasonable scenes of jealousy, inappropriate actions, etc.

Secondly, an affair that has developed into a friendship can seriously interfere with a new relationship. It happens that an ex-boyfriend rushes between an old girlfriend and a new passion, feeling guilty before both, while both ladies are desperately jealous of each other...

Thirdly, it is difficult for you to discuss your personal life with a friend who was once your lover, which would not be difficult if there had never been an affair between you. For example, you don't know how to tell him that you are already in a relationship with someone else.

So is it even worth maintaining a friendship with your ex? Here are the recommendations of psychologist Marina Vozchikova.

Tips on how to deal with an ex-boyfriend who offers friendship

Before you suggest staying friends, think about whether you need it.

You shouldn't try to maintain friendly relations if you still have feelings for this guy, but he doesn't have feelings for you. It will hurt you.

You should be wary of agreeing to be friends with a guy who still has feelings for you if you don't reciprocate his feelings. This can put you in an awkward situation over time.

You should not abuse your “friendship rights” if your ex-lover has a new partner. She probably won't be happy if you constantly annoy her boyfriend with various requests - for example, to help you with repairs or to take you somewhere in your car.

Also, don't spend too much time with your ex-boyfriend if you have a new one.

If you decide to invite your ex-boyfriend to visit, and he already has a new lover, invite them together, otherwise there will inevitably be problems.

Try not to discuss your previous relationship with your ex. Also, you should not discuss them with his new girlfriend or your new chosen one. What has happened has passed!

I actually wanted to write an article about this for quite a long time, but, to be honest, for some reason I forgot.

Any relationship can end in two things: a trip to the altar and a breakup. In the first case, everything is clear (what could be unclear here?), but in the second? Quite often, couples try to remain friends, but in 95 percent of cases this is an unfulfilled promise and a relationship that, with a fair stretch, can be considered friendly, not friendly.

Why is this so difficult and what happens to people after a breakup? First, I'll try to make a list of the main reasons why people try to remain friends.

1. They have many common themes. Shared memories, interests, people want to experience it all over again. But personal grievances quickly cancel out the desire to communicate. And you won’t be satisfied with topics alone.

2. This is how it should be. You are decent people, and decent people remain friends.

3. The desire to keep a person close and jealous.

4. It's convenient, you don't need to change your old circle of friends.

And a number of other reasons similar to this

But we can only tell you with confidence that you shouldn’t communicate with your ex (we don’t mean your wife with whom you have children together) and it won’t work at all.

So why?

Have you seen each other naked

You think that this is a completely meaningless reason, you never know who has seen you naked! And how many of these people had sex with you?
It is extremely difficult to return to a normal relationship with a person you saw naked. This was already a different level of relationship, and friendship and friendly relations are a completely different matter.
You've seen her breasts up close, you know what her ass looks like and whether she has cellulite. You know how she smells, and most importantly, how she behaves sexually. And you can easily reject all this? The more sensitive you are, the less likely you are to “stay friends.”

You can't trust each other

Friendship requires trust. At least a little. Someone deceived or deceived someone. Hell yeah, you can't even tell your ex about what's going on with you right now. After all, you may have a new girlfriend, every mention of which will hurt your ex’s pride (“She’s probably better! Look at the photos, how he smiles happily. Someone’s cooler than me!”). And it's disgusting, don't you think?

One side will always have grievances or reproaches

No, there is no end to a relationship without bitterness and mutual reproaches. After all, for some reason you broke up? Oh, are you tired? So the reason for the reproach will be the simplest - you were unbearably boring, you didn’t pay attention. Even if a lot of time has passed (are you still communicating after this?!), the girl has already forgotten the insult, but simply remembers that you are boring. And you can't be trusted.

Jealousy

Even if you both found a new love of your life, it’s a shame that the old one found someone better than you and no longer belongs to you. We may not be aware of it mentally, but it will weigh on us on a subconscious level. You can’t calmly watch your ex find her new love. Even if a lot of time has passed. It is unpleasant. The following nonsense is also used: you sincerely do not want your ex-girlfriend to love you. You want your relationship to be something special, so that years later she will say, “I only had true love with Vovchik, I will never love anyone else like that.” But this happens extremely rarely. More often than not, they love you more. And more than once. And if personal resentment comes into play, then no matter how you pretend to be a tolerant pepper and no matter how you deny it, you sincerely do not want her personal happiness. Career, buns, losing weight - please, personal - alas, no.

There may still be passion between you

Unless, of course, her absence was the reason for the breakup. There was some kind of chemistry between you once, right? You excited each other, so why not repeat this during your next farewell sex? Oh, yes, farewell sex... I don’t recommend you do this, you don’t want to feel all the bitterness of parting again?

Constant reminder

Exes prevent you from moving forward. They slow you down and bring you back to the mistakes of the past. The easiest way to remain friends is with each other, and the best way to forgive is to forget. Then, a few years later, you, having met by chance somewhere, can say “Hello” to each other without embarrassment. The constant presence of your ex in your contacts prevents you from moving on, meeting new people and getting something new.

Ideally, you are like adults, you have forgiven and forgotten everything, but the reason for the separation remains, you remember it, right? Be adults - don’t build castles in the air, because along with pleasant memories there is jealousy, bitterness, guilt. And how can we become friends after this?

Ask yourself the simplest question: “Why?”

Treasuring relationships, of course, is an indicator of a broad soul, but why do you need unnecessary relationships with unnecessary people? And are you sure that you really have a “friendship”?