I feel unworthy of my man. I am not worthy of my husband I am not worthy of my husband

St. Basil the Great

Love those close to you no more than the Lord. For it is said: “Whoever loves his father or mother more than Me is worthy of Me.”. What does the Lord's commandment mean? Said: “Unless someone takes up his cross and follows Me, he cannot be My disciple.”(cf. Luke 14:27). If you died with Christ for your relatives according to the flesh, then why do you want to live with them again? And if you again build for your relatives what you ruined for Christ, then you make yourself a criminal. Therefore, do not leave your place for your relatives, for by leaving a place, you may be leaving your morals.

Letters.

St. John Chrysostom

Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever loves a son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me

Since I came to bestow great benefits, I demand great obedience and diligence. Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever loves a son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And whoever does not take up his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me(Matt. 10:38) . Do you see the dignity of the Teacher? Do you see how He, commanding us to leave everything behind and to prefer love for Him to everything else, shows by this that He is the only begotten Son of the Father? And what can we say, He said, about friends and relatives? Even if you prefer your soul to love for Me, you are still far from being My disciple.

What? Isn't this contrary to ancient law? No, on the contrary, I quite agree with him. And there God commands not only to hate idolaters, but also to stone them; and in Deuteronomy, praising such zealots, he says: Who says about his father and his mother: I do not look at them, and does not recognize his brothers, and does not know his sons; for they [the Levites] keep Your words(Deut. 33:9) . If Paul commands many things about parents, and commands us to obey them in everything, do not be surprised. He orders us to obey them only in that which is not contrary to piety.

It is a holy thing to give them all other respects. When they demand something more appropriate, one should not obey them. That is why the Evangelist Luke says: If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, and wife and children, and brothers and sisters, and indeed his own life, he cannot be My disciple.(Luke 14:26) The command is not just to hate, because this is completely illegal; but if one of them wants you to love him more than Me, then hate him for it. Such love destroys both the beloved and the lover.

He said this in order to make both children more courageous and parents, who would begin to hinder piety, more compliant. Indeed, the parents, seeing that Christ has the power and strength to tear away even their children from them, had to give up their demands as impossible. That is why, having passed the parents, He turns to the children, teaching them not to use useless efforts. Then, so that they do not become annoyed or grieve at this, look to what extent the speech extends. Having said: Who... does not hate his father and mother, added: and your very life(Luke 14:26) And what, he says, do you think about your parents, brothers, sisters and wife?

For everyone there is nothing closer than his soul; but if you don’t hate her too, then you will act completely differently from someone who loves you. Moreover, he commanded not only to hate the soul, but even to be subjected to war and battles, and not to be afraid of death and bloodshed. And whoever does not bear his cross and follow Me cannot be My disciple(Luke 14:27) . He didn’t just say that one should be ready to die; but ready to die violently, and not only violently, but also blasphemously.

Conversations on the Gospel of Matthew.

St. Cyril of Jerusalem

Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever loves a son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me

The Lord didn't just say: “Whoever loves father or mother is not worthy of Me” so that you, through your foolishness, do not understand what was said correctly in the wrong sense, but add: "more than Mena". Then we must follow this commandment when the earthly fathers philosophize contrary to the Heavenly Father, and when they do not in the least hinder us in the work of piety, but we, on the contrary, are carried away by debauchery and forgetting their benefits shown to us, despise them, then in this case it falls on us the following saying: “Whoever curses his father or mother, let him die”(Matt. 15:4).

The teachings are public. Lesson 7.

St. Ignatius (Brianchaninov)

Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever loves a son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me

“Whoever prefers the will of his parents or any relatives in the flesh to My will, who prefers their way of thinking and their thinking to My teaching, who prefers pleasing them to pleasing Me, he is unworthy of Me.”

Ascetic sermon.

St. Innokenty (Borisov)

Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever loves a son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me

Only God, or the God-man, could say this. In relation to all other beings, no matter how great, powerful and beneficial they may be, such a demand would be beyond them, above them and indecent to them. But in relation to God, such a requirement is completely fair and necessary. Fair: for the Heavenly Father is first and above all earthly fathers and mothers. The latter themselves must love Him above all, and therefore, they themselves must demand from their children that they love Him above all, and therefore, more than them. It is necessary: ​​for if a person does not love God more than his father and mother, then his earthly father and mother will be higher than God, which is completely illegal.

But this same love, which befits the one God, and to the same degree, is demanded from us, and certainly demands, by Jesus Christ, for He is the true God and faith in Him as the true God is the necessary duty of everyone.

Notes.

Right John of Kronstadt

Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever loves a son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me

If those who love their own blood more than God are unworthy of the Lord, with a pure and holy love inspired by nature itself, then how unworthy of Him are those who passionately attach their hearts to unrelated persons, who love not out of pure motives!

Diary. Volume I. 1856.

Whoever loves a son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. This seems difficult to a carnal man, but a spiritual man knows from experience that he loves the Lord more than his parents, wife or children. All the words of the Lord are truth and truth. He demands from us what he should demand and what is completely feasible on our part.

Diary. Volume III. 1859-1860.

What parents love more than Christ, their son or daughter? Those who, out of imaginary love for their child, do not teach them the commandments of God and allow them to break them with impunity, fearing to offend their feelings; who look indifferently at the fact that their children do not pray or pray somehow, carelessly, out of habit, and do not care that they attend church services; those who, out of stupid indulgence, do not advise reading the Holy Scriptures or soul-saving books to them; those who allow passions to manifest themselves freely in them and do not admonish or punish them; those who do not teach them faith in God, hope in Him and whole-hearted love for Him - all such parents love their children more than Christ or His commandments, and are not worthy of Him. And such parents destroy their children temporarily and eternally: children grow and are formed only in a secular way, for this world, but not at all for eternity, and when they die, then, alas! a pitiful death appears to the eyes of parents: their child often dies in despair, with extreme regret about separation from the world, not knowing in his heart a blissful eternity.

Diary. Volume IV. 1860-1861.

Blazh. Augustine

Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever loves a son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me

Let the father say: “Love me.” Let the mother say: “Love me.” To these words I will answer: “Be silent.” But isn't what they're asking fair? And shouldn't I give them back what I received? The father says: “I gave birth to you.” The mother says: “I gave birth to you.” The father says: “I taught you.” The mother says: “I fed you.” Perhaps their words are fair when they say: “The power moves in his wings, but do not fly away as a debtor, return what we previously delivered [to you].” Let us answer the father and mother who rightly say: “Love us,” let us answer: “I love you in Christ, but not instead of Christ. Be with me in Him, but I will not be with you without Him.” “But we don’t need Christ,” they say. “But I need Christ more than you. [Will] I take care of my parents and forget the Creator?”

Sermons.

Blazh. Hieronymus of Stridonsky

Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever loves a son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me

The one who said before: I did not come to send down peace on earth, but a sword, and to restore people(Matthew 10:34) against father and mother and mother-in-law, so that no one puts [their] piety (pietatem) above faith (religionis), added below: Who loves father or mother more than Me. And in the book of Song of Songs we read: Make love for Me a rule(ordinate) (Song 2:4) . This rule or order is necessary in every movement of the soul. After God, love your father, love your mother, love your children (filios). And if the need arises for love for parents and children to be compared with love for God, and if a person cannot preserve both love together, then let there be love (pietas) in relation to God, and in relation to one’s own - hatred (odium). So, He did not forbid loving one’s father or mother, but added significantly: Who loves father or mother more than Me?.

Blazh. Theophylact of Bulgaria

He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever loves a son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me

You see that it is only necessary to hate parents and children if they want to be loved more than Christ. But what am I saying about the father and children? Hear more.

Interpretation of the Gospel of Matthew.

Evfimy Zigaben

He who loves his father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me: and he who loves his son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me

And here I mentioned only one of the ascending and descending ones, as being closer. Who, he says, loves them more than Me; since loving them if they are pious is a good deed; but it is always an evil thing to love them more than God.

Interpretation of the Gospel of Matthew.

Lopukhin A.P.

Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever loves a son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me

(Luke 14:26) Luke expresses the same idea, but much stronger. Instead of: “who loves more”- if anyone “He shall not hate his father, and mother, and wife, and children” and so on. The expressions of both evangelists were explained in the sense that it speaks of greater love for the Savior in general, and when circumstances require it; for example, when immediate relatives do not agree with His commandments, when love for them would require breaking these commandments. Or: love for Christ should be distinguished by such strength that love for father, mother and others should seem like hostility in comparison with love for Christ. It should be noted that these words are reminiscent of Deut. 33:9 where Levi “He speaks about his father and mother: I don’t look at them, and he doesn’t recognize his brothers, and he doesn’t know his sons; For they, the Levites, keep Your words and keep Your covenant; and Ex. 32:26-29, which talks about the beating of the Israelites after the construction of the golden calf, when each killed his brother, friend, and neighbor. Thus, in the Old Testament there is no shortage of examples when fulfilling the commandments of the Lord required hatred and even murder of loved ones. But one cannot, of course, think that Christ instills with His words any kind of hatred towards loved ones, and that this commandment of His is distinguished by any kind of callousness. There are many cases in life when love, for example, for friends exceeds love for closest relatives. The Savior's words point to the divine and sublime self-consciousness of the Son of Man; and no one, by sound reasoning, can say that He demanded here anything beyond human strength, immoral or illegal.

Explanatory Bible.

Trinity leaves

Art. 37-42 Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever loves a son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever does not take up his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. He who saves his soul will lose it; but he who loses his life for My sake will save it. Whoever receives you receives Me, and whoever receives Me receives Him who sent Me; whoever receives the prophet, in the name of the prophet, will receive the reward of the prophet; and whoever receives the righteous, in the name of the righteous, will receive the reward of the righteous. And whoever gives one of these little ones only a cup of cold water to drink in the name of a disciple, truly I say to you, will not lose his reward.

“If God,” says Metropolitan Philaret of Moscow, “by the law of marital love commands a person to leave his father and mother, then can the Divine Bridegroom of our souls, Christ the Savior, offer lesser demands to those who desire spiritual betrothal to Him?” That is why He speaks with such power and authority to His apostles, and through them to all believers: Who loves father his or mother theirs, who gave you temporary life, more than me your Redeemer, who by His Blood gives you eternal life, not worthy of Me such a one is not worthy to be called My disciple. Honor and love your parents, take care of them in old age, obey them, but if they force you to break My commandments, do not obey them. and who loves son or daughter more than Me, so for their sake I am ready to forget My commandments, such not worthy of me! Only God or the God-man could say this. Such a demand cannot be made by an ordinary person. Only God is the Heavenly Father, first and above all earthly fathers and mothers. And our fathers and mothers themselves must love Him above all else, and they themselves must demand from us, their children, that we love God more than ourselves. If a person does not love God more than his father and mother, then such a person has earthly parents higher than God and he is no longer a true Christian... These words of Christ were literally fulfilled: remember, for example, the story of the suffering of the holy Great Martyr Barbara, who suffered martyrdom at the hands of her own father, or that parent, a nobleman, who, when his son renounced Christ, was not afraid to say to the apostate Julian in the face: “Are you, king, telling me about this wicked son, who loved lies more than the truth?... He is no longer my son”...

But what about parents and children? Even if, Christ says, you prefer your soul to love for Me, you are still far from being My disciple: and who does not take up his cross who, having become My disciple, will not be ready for all sorts of sufferings and trials, difficult and shameful, which God will please to allow, so that carnal passions and worldly lusts are killed in a person - and follows me whoever does not carry his cross after Me, just as I myself carry My cross, he is not worthy of me! “Whoever does not renounce this life and does not give himself up to a shameful death (for this is how the ancients thought about the cross), he is unworthy of Me. Since,” notes Blessed Theophylact, “many are crucified as robbers and thieves, he added: "and follows me", i.e. lives according to My laws." Therefore, in the holy evangelist Luke, the Savior says even more strongly: “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, and wife and children, and brothers and sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.”(Luke 14:26) . He commands not only to hate, for this is completely illegal, but if one of them demands that you love him more than Me, then in this case hate him. Such love destroys both the beloved and the lover. “Who walks in the footsteps of Christ? He who lives according to His holy commandments and imitates Him in everything as far as he can. And whoever cares too much about bodily life thinks that he is gaining his soul, while in reality he is destroying it; who saved his soul(Whoever saves it for temporary life, having renounced Me in any way), he will lose her, will lose his soul for eternal life, will lose eternal life, will suffer eternal death for betraying the true faith. And, on the contrary, lost his soul who will not spare his temporary life, for me Whoever suffers for Me, like a good warrior in the feat of martyrdom, will will save her, will save his soul for the future life. “Why do you not want to hate your soul? Is it because you love her? But for this reason, you will hate her, and then you will benefit her most of all and prove that you love her. Great was the power of the Speaker, great was the love of those listening; That’s why they, hearing much more sorrowful and painful things than the great men Moses and Jeremiah heard, remained obedient and did not contradict” (words of St. John Chrysostom). However, in such a great feat, the Lord promises the disciples support from believers, to whom He promises a great reward for such support, showing that in this case He cares more about those who receive than about those who are received, and gives them first honor.

Whoever receives you receives Me, and whoever receives Me receives Him who sent Me.. Whoever honors you honors Me, and through Me also My Father. What can compare with the honor of receiving the Father and the Son? But at the same time He promises another reward: who receives the prophet- not for the sake of any representation or intercession before the kings, not from any earthly calculations, but in the name of the prophet, for the sake of that Divine truth, which the prophet, by Divine inspiration, speaks, for the sake of that holy work that the prophet serves - and your apostolic ministry is not lower than the prophetic - such and will receive the prophet's reward; and who receives the righteous(not out of worldly hospitality, not hypocritically, for the sake of decency, so that people would not condemn him for not accepting, not out of vanity, that he is close to the righteous), but in the name of the righteous, for the sake of the righteousness that the righteous reveals in life (and your life should especially shine with righteousness), - such for accepting you into his home will receive the reward of the righteous, will receive a reward - either what the one who accepted the prophet or righteous man is worthy to receive, or what the prophet or righteous man himself will receive. This reward awaits the host in the Kingdom of Heaven, in blissful eternity. “So, honor good,” says the Monk Isidore Pelusiot, “not for the sake of human glory, not for the sake of worldly gain, but for the sake of good itself,” looking at goodness as the fruits of the grace of God dwelling in the saints of God, and you yourself will be glorified with the saints . And so that no one would use poverty as an excuse, the Lord added: and who with nothing to give, give drink to one of these little ones, one of you, small and humble in the eyes of the world and humble in your own opinion of yourself, who will give drink to you, weary on the way, just a cup of cold water, which will no longer cost anything for the submitter, in the name of the student, only because he who thirsts is My disciple, Truly I tell you, he will not lose his reward., because by this he will show his love for Me, your common Teacher and Lord. “So, the Lord values ​​not so much what is given as the diligence, will and love of the giver; Therefore, He valued the widow’s two mites more valuable than rich deposits, which were made by the rich, but without diligence” (Reverend Isidore Pelusiot). But whoever shows kindness to his neighbor not in the name of love for his Savior, but for other motives, even the most noble ones, for example, out of a feeling of simple human compassion, or out of his own kindness, or in the name of what is now called humanity, does not yet show true love for his Savior and therefore does not deserve a reward from Him in blissful eternity.

This is the difference between natural good, which is common for a pagan to do, and truly Christian virtue, performed in the name of Christ’s commandment, with the help of His grace, and therefore having the power to give life to our soul and, therefore, saving. “The Lord,” notes St. Chrysostom, “here speaks of prophets and disciples, and at other times he commands to accept even the most despicable, and determines punishment for those who do not accept them: “Because you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.”(Matthew 25:45) . For even if the one you receive was neither a disciple, nor a prophet, nor a righteous man, he is a person who lives with you in the same world, sees the same sun, has the same soul, the same Lord, shares the same and the same Sacraments, moreover, he is called to Heaven, and has absolutely the right to demand charity from you, being poor and in need of necessities.” “He who admonishes a man burning with the fire of anger and lusts, and makes him a disciple of Christ, also gives a cup of ice water: and this one, of course, will not lose his reward.”

Trinity leaves. No. 801-1050.

I am 33, married for 8 years, two sons - 7 and 1.4 years old. I met my husband at university, it was love at first sight, I realized that this was my man. My whole life became connected only with him, I did everything to please him, his friends, and relatives. He didn’t marry me for a long time, 7 years; they married me at 26, when I had already given up hope and other candidates for husbands appeared - unloved ones, but they loved me. I am beautiful, I hold a high position, I earn very well, I take care of myself, I bought an apartment in a new building, after that I gave birth to my second son, I left early from maternity leave both times - my grandmother helps, all my relatives, both his and mine, love me. I get compliments at work - I work in an oil company, in a men's team, I'm a prominent girl. And he loves me, but he says that he likes other strong women who can flirt with other men, but give any guy in the eye, he considers me different. But I only want him, no matter what I do, he doesn’t like me. He is a high-ranking director of a large enterprise, the youngest in the holding, I am very proud of him, I support him, I have time to work a lot, take care of children, an apartment, and sports. He has never praised me for anything in my life, I am nobody in his eyes, my opinion is nothing to him, but if my words are said by someone else, he believes. Of course I’m nervous, crying, but he considers me hysterical, he has no time to be bored, we have no place in his life among his work, hunting, fishing, baths, volleyball, skiing, friends. In principle, he doesn’t like women in general, not just me, he’s never been known to cheat, he doesn’t need sex - he gets tired, he doesn’t understand why I need it at least once a week. I take someone else’s place next to him, I’m unworthy of him, what should I do, get a divorce? but he doesn’t want this, he shouts for me to heal my nerves. He loves the strong, and am I not strong - to endure his absence for years, work, take care of the house, his relatives, problems, give birth to children. And yes, by the way, every new step he takes is my push, I inspire him that he deserves more, he is smart. After each previous job, legal problems remain, for example, the new director created a creditor, and the agreement was signed by the husband when he was the director, so then I and my lawyer resolved issues throughout the country, corresponded, dealt with the security service of one of the banks regarding the non-repayment of the loan, taken earlier and not given back after my husband left office, that it was not he who did not give it back, but the new leadership, who defended him and his family from the attacks of the bailiffs, from the criminal case (they need to push it on someone), it’s me the girl 1.63 I defended the two-meter tall dunce so clearly, legally and emotionally, that they apologized to me, and after everything that had been experienced and had not yet been told, I am not the one he likes. All my friends love me, they are amazed at how I live with him for so long, carry him, endure him, support my friends, and manage to do so. How to live, endure, love, quit, live alone? I’m financially secure, I don’t want to live, I’m sick, sorry

Alla, you are unworthy not of your husband, but of yourself. What are you doing? You build your life and your line of behavior, focusing on a person who destroys you emotionally and physically. This means you need to change your attitude towards yourself and stop living to please someone, even the person you love. He may never change. And what? Are you going to “earn” his approval until your last breath? Who told you that he really likes strong women? Well, give it to him in the eye and find out how much he likes it. He's married to you. And he has children in common with you, and not with another woman.

Good answer 3 Bad answer 0

Hello, Allah! I feel great sympathy for you. This is an eternal problem, when you do not receive an adequate response to your love, it is akin to unrequited love, but worse. Because unrequited love lets go, but this kind of love doesn’t. I think, after all, if he doesn’t want to get a divorce, then he still loves, in his own way. It seems to me that the clue here may be that he wants a strong woman, but does not see your strength. In fact, the situation is exactly the opposite. Never believe the words of men, they sometimes say the exact opposite. It is your strength that is stopping you, or rather its demonstration. You are proud of how you resolved the situation with debts. I'm proud of you too, but not him. In fact, only he should be strong. An indicator of this is sexual relations. Men also punish with sex. In this matter, I don’t yet see any other way out than to “put up with it.” The initiative should come only from him. I wish you patience and success in your “Sisyphean” work. You need to find a way to be a “weak” woman in your position.

Good answer 4 Bad answer 1

Alla, you are great and have done a lot for both your husband and your family, but in all this you have lost yourself. It is very important now to find yourself, love yourself and learn not to do anything yourself, but to force your husband to do it for you. It's difficult, but achievable. You have built a strong foundation, so the little things that your husband does wrong at first will not cause the building to collapse. If you want to change, come and help.

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Hello, Allah! You write how many virtues and valuable qualities you have, and at the same time you write that you are unworthy of your husband. Maybe he is not worthy of you? In general, the big question is, what do you mean by this concept of “being worthy of someone/something”? Meet his expectations? In my experience they are not the same thing. And from your description it seemed to me that you and your husband speak “different languages.” Both love each other, but you cannot convey this love to each other and inform your partner about your needs. Perhaps you yourself are not very clearly aware of them. If you are interested in understanding this, I invite you to an in-person consultation. Sincerely, Anastasia Umanskaya.

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Hello Allah! Everything is wonderful - you are smart, strong, beautiful, resilient. At the same time, your letter is somewhat terribly reminiscent of the complaints of the wives of alcoholics - he is good, but the whole house is on me, children, work, and there is no help or support from him; I do everything, but he doesn’t appreciate it, doesn’t change, he has no more strength; Everyone advises me to leave him, but I can’t - I love him, I care about him. It's one of two things. Either change your attitude, first of all towards yourself, then towards your life, and then towards him (and this is long and difficult). Or wear your medals on your chest - you have a lot of them and they are all well-deserved.

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Dear Alla! Remember from Pushkin: “The less we love a woman, the easier it is for her to like us...” In my opinion, this also applies to men. Try to devote more time to yourself, your loved one, and your children. Who knows, maybe your important, always busy husband will begin to pay his precious attention to you. But this is not a panacea. I am sure that working with a psychologist could help you understand the reasons for all your troubles.

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Hello Alla, the situation is not simple and requires calm consideration. I have often seen how many men, although they love their wives very much, nevertheless treat them rudely. A possible reason is lack of self-confidence. Regarding divorce, do not forget that you have two children, what will it be like for them and what will they go out into the world with, an incomplete family always means disadvantage and tails for the rest of their lives, and even beyond. Work with a psychologist in person. If you need anything, please contact me, I’m ready to help.

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Alla, when a person spends a lot of time and effort and “does everything to please him, his friends, and relatives” - he/she loses... himself. Despite describing myself as “beautiful, I hold a high position, I earn very well, I take care of myself, I bought an apartment, gave birth to my second son, got out of maternity leave early, all my relatives, both his and mine, love me. I get compliments at work, I’m a prominent girl,” and etc. The key word is "ALL". Why do you need the love of EVERYONE, are you trying to earn it, but you love YOURSELF? Everything is clear about your husband, you yourself write: “And he loves me.” And further... about what you feel. This is a question for you. If you want to figure out why a young woman who is pleasant in all respects has such pain, confusion, uncertainty inside, in her soul - contact us.

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Alla, your problem is that you somehow see the world crookedly, as if through a distorting mirror. Through the mirror of a little unloved girl who tries very, very hard and wants to be good for everyone. But the girl doesn’t see the world as it really is... and the girl doesn’t think the way an adult woman should think. You know what I mean? I really hope that inside you understand me very well. It's like you haven't made some important life transition. You have learned to be capable and therefore can easily pass for an adult. But inside you are a girl. You look at the world from it. And it’s very painful for a little girl to live in this hard and cold world. In addition, the little girl does not have the strength to build her own happiness. She can only do two things: either endure it or leave. You don’t even have any other choice in your head... If you live in Moscow, come, I can help you. Becoming is very much my thing

Question for a psychologist:

The fact is that he is a business man, has his own business, has a definite political career, and I am just a student. At the beginning of our relationship, he told me about his numerous former spectacular women, about casual intimate relationships, about the so-called “sponsorship” (financial assistance to young girls, for sex only with him, but in the absence of other relationships of this kind). He didn’t have many serious relationships, only 3. There was a child from one relationship, but there was no legal marriage. (They don’t communicate, the child calls another person his father, my man only pays child support). He talked about numerous and expensive gifts to his women, about traveling with them.

Two months ago he proposed to me to become his wife. I agreed. Because I love him madly. But I don't feel completely comfortable around him because of my insecurities. I can’t go with him to visit his friends, because I think that they will compare me with my exes, that I’m not dressed right, that there’s something wrong with me. I go to stores and buy myself expensive things that I can’t afford to match him. Speaking of his gifts, I don’t know why, but from the very beginning of our relationship I have not received a single gift, and I don’t ask for it, because I wasn’t raised that way. One day he offered me financial help, I was offended because I thought it was humiliating. I'm terribly jealous of his ex-women. It’s not uncommon for my words addressed to him to include the words: “She was better...”, “She was much more economical...”.

Tell us about yourself. On appearance: I don’t consider myself a beauty, but I have a cute appearance. My figure is good, I go to the gym all the time. I have never had problems with male attention. I study at two universities. In Russia (for an engineer) and abroad (for an economist). I study on a budget, an excellent student. At the same time, I work for a company as a design engineer; I have my own car, which I earned myself. I know several languages ​​(English, French, German, Turkish, Arabic). My parents earn good money, so I can’t say that the difference is in some social class. This is my first relationship. Before that, my life consisted only of study, work and household chores. I'm a loner, I like to be alone. Sit at home in your free time, read a book, or go alone and look at the sea. Help me please. I don't want to lose this person I love very much.

Psychologist Alexander Yakovlevich Bănarescu answers the question.

Hello Anna!

As I read your letter, it was not entirely clear to me what exactly you want?

Feel worthy of your man?

Stop feeling insecure and become more confident?

Get rid of the fear of losing your man?

No matter how similar in meaning these questions are, they carry a layer of quite different feelings and attitudes, and the answers can be just as different. I will try to briefly answer each of these questions and perhaps some will be useful to you. Otherwise, I suggest signing up for a consultation, or contacting another specialist.

How to feel worthy of your man?

This question is inherently manipulative. If you decipher it, it will sound something like this: I want to make the man I chose choose me. Although he has already chosen you. However, the feeling of “unworthiness” also suggests that as the relationship develops, you compare yourself with his exes, you want to be the one or those with whom he is no longer in a relationship. Which he refused and chose you. Why you would choose such a strategy is not entirely clear to me. In this matter, I recommend switching attention from those with whom he stopped being, to yourself, the one you would like to be. Real. No comparisons. In your life, you are the mistress of both your images, as well as your actions and thoughts.

Stop feeling insecure and become more confident?

Uncertainty is an excellent quality, indicating that you feel a lack of something and want great results from yourself. And it’s even great to sometimes feel this lack. If you had not felt it, you would never have developed to the level to which you have now grown. After all, you have a car and know a lot of languages ​​and have a bunch of other achievements. However, if you translate this into a negative, it can lead to a decrease in self-esteem, and can even lead to psychosomatic disorders. It's easy to become more confident. It's enough just to start treating yourself as normal. At this period of life, at this stage of your development, this year, at this very moment, you are normal! This is a pretty powerful technique. It allows you to feel perfectly “here and now.” We are always changing, it is so inherent in nature. And tomorrow you will be different. The structure of your brain and body will change a tiny bit and that will be just as normal. And this does not mean that yesterday you were less ideal or normal. You were just different. And it also depends on you what decisions you will make in relation to yourself and your changes.

Get rid of the fear of losing your man?

Who told you that losing loved ones is not normal? You may be outraged by this issue right now, but try to realize that there are no ways (other than manipulation) that will give a 100% result that your man will stay with you. Or are you with him. And love has nothing to do with it. Love and fear are opposite feelings. Even with manipulation, there are no 100% guarantees. In this case, I would recommend thinking about the following: we attract what we fear. Therefore, your existing fear will certainly not attract. And the more you “grow” it in yourself, the more likely it is that your relationship will fall apart. In this case, I recommend that you be open to him and be honest about your feelings and thoughts. After all, if he accepts you, he will accept you with your fears and doubts. And this will be the best medicine for you. Long-term relationships are built on trust. And if you want them, think about how much you can and want to trust yourself and him.

I don’t know if I can correctly explain my thought... But that’s what I think. If a woman lives with a man, does not leave him, and at the same time vilifies him with the last word, she is worthy of him, and he is worthy of her.

A good, feminine, thrifty, hardworking woman will have an equally wonderful husband. If an amazing woman lives with a scumbag, then either she is also a hidden scumbag who is just trying to seem like an angel to everyone, or an amazing woman will leave the scumbag and meet a man as amazing as herself.

My friend lived with a scumbag for 7 years. We were like sisters, we shared everything since childhood. BUT for all 7 years she never told anyone that her husband was a scumbag, that he beat her, drinks, does not want to work and does not take care of the children. Silently, she divorced him after 7 years of marriage and found herself a man as amazing as herself. That is, living with the bastard, she did not blame him, she understood that she did not have the spiritual and physical strength to leave him right now, so she did not give anyone a reason or thought to doubt the integrity of her husband. And when she was ready to make this decision, she also didn’t scream to anyone that she had spent 7 years with a scumbag.

I remember when I was still very young, and one man told me, I don’t understand women who, from the last word, vilify their men, but every night they share the same bed with them, spend their money and go to the same toilet.

I did this myself, to be honest. She often attacked her husband, justifying herself by saying that she had nowhere to go, etc. A woman who decides to leave will always leave. Will find where. I have a friend, a music teacher, who sings in a church choir. She has two very sick asthmatic children and a terrible husband. A drunkard, a reveler, a hysterical, angry man. SHE lived with him for too long. But again, I never told anyone that I lived with a goat. And when she decided to leave, he suddenly abruptly stopped drinking, began to sue her for the children, kicked her out of the apartment, and to be honest, it was unrealistic to live there. After he realized that this was the end, he created all the conditions for his wife and children to plunge into such an experience, to understand what kind of nugget they were losing. She went nowhere - to church with two children. I lived in the playroom with them. Then the priest helped her rent an apartment for a very cheap price, and then it so happened that the owner decided to sell this apartment, but seeing how this woman and her two children had suffered, he agreed that she should buy the apartment and pay for it as best she could.

Yes, it’s an unlikely story, but it’s real, not fictional.

Now I tell everyone that my husband is the most wonderful. And I understand that we deserve each other. YES, he is not gentle, not affectionate, not caring. But by the way, I don’t have the easiest character either. I can easily offend people emotionally and say very unpleasant, painful things. When I turn to face him, and not my ass, he always answers me in the same way. And if it’s in another place, I get a distribution. Everything is logical and understandable.

I hope someone understood what I wanted to say with this post.

“I am a bad wife, and my husband is a good, wonderful person.” Why does the bad wife complex arise and how to deal with it?

Today it is not uncommon for a woman to consider herself worthless in comparison with her own husband. Women who have been married for more than 3 years feel this acutely, when passions have subsided and they have known not only the positive sides of each other, but also the negative ones. The complex of a wife unworthy of her husband often appears when habit takes the place of love, and there is no trusting and truly friendly relationship with her husband. Many “bad” wives at this moment begin to think: “I am not worthy of my husband and am making him unhappy.” Let's try to figure out whether there is justice in such a statement and what is the reason for this position.

A well-known saying goes: “Every nation deserves its leader, every woman deserves her husband.” Maybe the wife’s complex was provoked by the husband himself?

The only situation when a wife is not worthy of her husband

A representative of the fair half of humanity may indeed be guilty in a situation if the accusations (scandals, silence, ignorance) on the part of her husband are justified. It is a rare spouse who is able to come to terms with the fact that he is trying to take over his free time entirely and says nasty things about loved ones. Hysterical behavior on the part of women can alienate even a calm and loving man from his missus.

One can also understand the man whose wife, after a year or two of marriage, decides that her husband has been bewitched by her forever. As a result of this behavior, the husband meets every evening not the sophisticated young lady with whom he was in love, but an overweight wife, in a torn robe, and constantly dissatisfied with something. And if a man tries to please his wife in a relationship (respects her), tries to earn an extra penny, rushes home after work, then the woman should also work on herself.

Therefore, the phrase: “I’m bad - my husband is good” can sometimes have a positive effect on the relationship. True, in those cases when a woman realizes that she is behaving incorrectly, and does not say it with “mockery,” trying to put herself in the position of a victim. Pull yourself together, put your appearance in order, stop “gnawing” at your husband, create a warm atmosphere in the family - these are the moments that are useful both for a woman and for her family happiness.

Provocation from the spouse

How many tears are shed when a woman complains to her friends or mother, saying: “My husband said that I am not worthy of him.” To be fair, it is worth mentioning that rarely in a relationship is it only the woman who is wrong, and the husband is ideal. It often helps a man when his wife considers herself a second-class person and unworthy of him. The reasons for such deceit lie in the inferiority complex of the stronger sex itself.

Self-affirmation at the expense of the defenseless and weaker through humiliation, insults and reproaches is the lot of a vile person. After all, even the phrase itself: “My husband said that I am not worthy of him” is essentially offensive and has no right to exist, since it exalts one person at the expense of belittling another. Whether a truly loving and kind person will pronounce it is a big question.

So sometimes the saying: “I am not worthy of my husband” should have a continuation: “Is he worth me?”

Why did you become a “bad wife”, unworthy of your husband?

The strangest thing is that sometimes women make such a monster out of a spouse without realizing it. Wanting to serve and alleviate the difficult fate of their spouse, wives place him on a pedestal, assigning themselves a supporting role, which is subsequently modified into the role of a victim. But people deserve each other, so you shouldn’t pursue a policy of “all the best goes to the husband” from the very beginning of the relationship. In a relationship, everything should be mutual, and if the husband takes the efforts of his lifelong friend for granted, even bothering to thank her and talk like a human being, then the game is played with one goal.

In some cases, disgust towards a wife may be dictated by someone close to you. The words and behavior of a man are especially offensive and insulting when it comes to a woman’s inability to get pregnant, any physical disabilities, low wages, improper housekeeping (“you do everything wrong”), and poor upbringing of children. Often, “well-wishers” quite consciously sing to a man that his wife is wrong.

If a gullible and weak-willed man listens to these words, he destroys not only faith and self-love in a woman, but also family relationships.

What women most often do when they consider themselves bad wives

“I’m a bad wife,” “I’m ugly,” “I’m a worthless mother” are phrases that can kill a woman’s desire to be beautiful and happy. Often such overwhelmed people seek solace in food (and even alcohol), which further aggravates the situation.

Sometimes a woman, confident in her own unattractiveness and inferiority (in comparison with her magnificent and inimitable husband), is ready to serve even more diligently, enduring discontent, shouting, and the absence of any marital duties on the part of her husband. Saying: “I am not worthy of a husband,” a woman really begins to believe that in marriage a man should always be held in high esteem, and her desires, aspirations, views on the world are secondary.

The reason for this lies in the principles laid down in childhood: a man is always right and a man is in charge. To consider him or not to consider him as such is the personal right of every woman, but humiliating herself and suffering because of this is not a decision that will allow her to build a happy family life.

Am I really a bad wife and not worthy of a husband?

People deserve each other, therefore, already at the dawn of a relationship, humiliation and outright rudeness should not be allowed. You can often meet young guys who do not hesitate to use foul language in front of girls and can publicly shout at their girlfriend (and even hit). Is it worth throwing in your lot with someone who, for whatever reason, did not receive a good upbringing? Selfless girls naively believe that with their love they will change a man for the better. It’s a strange opinion, because a person who wants to change can change, and by putting titanic work into it. An embittered person will behave even worse in marriage than during dating. Conclusion - you need to try to get to know the person better before the wedding, not allowing the emphasis in the relationship to be on the fact that the man is always right.

“I’m a bad wife” is a phrase that is only true when the woman in the relationship actually behaves badly. If the husband blames his wife for all the misfortunes, without explaining what exactly she is to blame for, then the problem is in him. A woman should think about whether her chosen one is really that good. Maybe he has an ideal appearance, a wonderful character, huge bank accounts, is he a complete and correct person in all matters? If not, then the woman also has the right to show her loser husband in his place, thinking that she can (and should) be happy with someone who appreciates her.

You should look at any problem objectively, noticing both your own shortcomings and your spouse’s. It does not happen that one person in a relationship is always right, and the other is only wrong. Therefore, constructive criticism of a spouse can be fair. And then only when a man gently tries to convey to his wife that he wants certain changes in her.

I'm not a bad wife and a wonderful woman!

Love yourself, perk up, start communicating with new people, go for walks more, allow yourself to spend extra money on yourself, even by purchasing some trinket. Try to transform not only externally - radically change something in your own life (get a job, start a hobby, change the tactics of family relationships, where there will be no place for the model of behavior of a victim woman, a wife unworthy of her husband).

“I’m bad - my husband is good” is a situation that should make a woman look around, and not kill her taste for life. There is no need to drown in a person who does not appreciate it. As V.V. wrote Mayakovsky: “I don’t scold my wife. I will never leave her. It was with me that she became bad. But I took it good...” There is no need to cry, visit the refrigerator at night (as well as exhaust yourself with hunger), and organize hours-long monologues in search of the truth. You need to love yourself and look at the root of the problem. Only there can you return happiness to your family. And if you realize that it’s not about you, maybe the right decision would be?