What to do if no one gets married. Why won't they marry me? Men and women come into relationships with different goals

02.11.2019

Are you trying again and again to answer the question, why are you still not married? Let's try to figure out what to do in such a situation. First, we need your sincere confession: are you really so upset about this that you consider your unmarriage a problem that destroys your life, preventing you from eating, sleeping and breathing? If the answer is yes, and you have been suffering from this fact for a year or more, then it’s time to look for remedies that will help you get rid of this problem.

A beam in one's own eye

Think: have you ever met such men whom you would be ready to marry? If yes, but for some reason they were not interested in you, or the relationship did not last long, most likely it makes sense to take care of yourself. Try to be as objective as possible and try to imagine yourself in the place of such a man. What would you like from your partner in this case? It would be good if you have a male friend with whom you could have a heart-to-heart discussion about this topic. A huge field for self-improvement will open up for you, and yet, first try to work on those qualities that will help you get closer to the ideal image of your chosen one. The fact is that we often ourselves do not notice our own unpleasant traits, which we have already become accustomed to and have grown accustomed to, and it is these small or large troubles that destroy any relationship we enter into.

And the Swede, and the reaper, and the trumpet player

If you have only seen your prince on the silver screen, then most likely you either want too much or are looking in the wrong place. In the first option, we can talk not only about inflated, but also about contradictory requirements for the chosen one. For example, you are unlikely to meet a person who would be reliable, stable, supportive, but at the same time ready at any moment to take off to another city for a romantic weekend and jump with a parachute without instructions to prove his courage to you. Therefore, try to write down all the key qualities of your ideal partner on a piece of paper and carefully evaluate them: are there any mutually exclusive ones among them? If there is, you will still have to choose exactly those qualities that can form the basis of a strong marriage. Or admit to yourself that you need a good friend, a bright lover, but not a life partner.

Where to go?

In the second option, add to your list a list of the circumstances under which you usually meet future partners. It is quite clear that you are unlikely to meet an emotional, adventurous guy at a symphony concert or in the accounting office. Then you will have to work on thinking through and scouting out the “hunting places” - where are the specimens you are interested in “found”? For example, if you want your partner to care about a healthy lifestyle, you should pay attention to sports clubs, swimming pools, studios for various types of “healthy” sports - yoga, fitness, capoeira, after all.

Also, we should not ignore the opportunities that the modern level of technology development provides us: the Internet has brought together an incredible number of people. We are not talking about dating sites and chat rooms, but rather about “clubs of interests”: if you drive a car, sign up for one of the many car clubs, if you like skiing or biking, a huge number of thematic forums are at your service.

If you yourself are not able to cope with the onset of depression, you cannot understand why changes for the better are not happening in your life - contact a professional psychologist, and you will definitely find a way out.

Take action, don’t stand still, and joyful, long-awaited events will not keep you waiting!

My friend Lenka is still not married. And she – it’s scary to even think, let alone say – is already 29 years old. No, I, who got married at 20, don’t see a problem in her situation, but she herself is terribly worried about this. She can still hear a nasty voice behind her: “Hee hee, the old maid has gone.”

Of course, no one thinks so, because our Lenka looks amazing - a young, well-groomed, fashionably dressed girl. But there is no confidence in the look, and the one who is looking for this look, examining and studying, studying every man he meets - what if it is he who will ask for marriage!

In order to make a successful shot, a good sniper needs to take good aim, putting aside annoying thoughts like “if I hit or miss.”

The same thing can happen in relationships: if you allow fear to influence your actions, nothing good will come of it. Especially when it comes to such an important life step as choosing a partner. And the results in case of failure can also be compared to the work of a sniper: just as leaving a marriage with a obviously unloved husband can be problematic, so after an unsuccessful shot, there will be no opportunity to reload the rifle and shoot again - time is lost.

The author of the article also says that if a girl remains alone for a long time, then over time she begins to doubt her attractiveness, and this scares men away from relationships with her. In fact, the reasons for such loneliness may lie much deeper.

It would seem that if a woman is beautiful, attractive, well-groomed, her chances of finding a partner should be quite high. The idea that “statistically there are nine guys for every ten girls” is better to forget - this is pure rationalization. There are reasons for everything, even if we don’t see those reasons.

In fact, a situation where men for some reason bypass you is a worthwhile reason to seek advice from a psychologist. It is not at all necessary that “what is wrong” with you. But it is possible that a woman who has been without a partner for a long time unconsciously sends certain signals to surrounding acquaintances and unfamiliar men that for some reason establishing a relationship with her is not very possible.

For what reasons could this happen? There can be a lot of them: starting from difficult family and tribal scenarios (which are often called the “crown of celibacy”) and ending with complex women who, on an unconscious level, have not yet been completed, which means new ones cannot begin, so in a woman’s soul there is a place for the future the partner has not yet appeared, that is, the woman is psychologically closed to new relationships.

During a consultation with an experienced psychologist or psychotherapist, it is usually possible to find the reason why a woman is not in a relationship. Then it becomes clear what needs to be done in order to correct the situation. And at this moment, a woman’s point of view on her loneliness changes radically: from a passive object who is simply waiting for attention to be paid to her, she turns into an active person who understands much better what is happening in her psychological life and is ready to work on in order to change the situation.

Fear of death is one of the basic fears that a person experiences. It is hardwired into our genetic memory. Primitive man was afraid of wild beasts, cold, and felt defenseless before the great power of nature. Gradually, the person learned to cope with his fears and tame them. So he mastered hunting, which provided him with food and warmth. Well, we know how human skills developed further from the course on the ancient history of the world.

When we talk about primitive society and its evolution, we mentally imagine the image of a Neanderthal man, with a weapon in his hands, entering into a fight with a wild beast. Since then, the division of labor into male and female began. A man is a warrior, a hunter, a breadwinner. A woman waits for a man to return from hunting, gives birth and raises children, and runs the household.

Now let's think about what the role of women really was since those ancient times? Her task was to please the desires of a man. He is the breadwinner and breadwinner. Who is she? Anyone can have children and run a household. If she falls out of favor with her man, he is free to drive her and her children out of the warm cave into the cold and to be eaten by a wild beast. Therefore, at all costs, she needs to please, adapt, adapt to the whims of a man. He is her safety, her guarantee of life. As long as he needs her, she and her children are safe.

In many tribes, born girls were physically destroyed, since they were an extra mouth and a dependent of the tribe.

One could argue that this has happened before. But throughout history, the position of women in society has changed little. In tsarist times, if a girl was not taken as a wife, she went straight to the monastery. The road also led there if a man left his wife. He could have as many kept women as he wanted, illegitimate children, and have fun with actresses and singers. The woman had to endure this in silence, not grumble about fate and her husband, and run the household. Otherwise, who will need it? Either a monastery or a revelry husband.

Modern Brides

Now let's fast forward to today. You don't need to go far. In early childhood, a girl listens to fairy tales about princes, in which the idea is imposed that with his appearance all problems are solved. For example, in “The Tale of the Dead Princess,” the prince brings life back to the sleeping princess with his kiss. Without the kiss, the beautiful princess would not have seen the white light. It turns out that there is a prince - no problems, no prince - a miserable existence under the yoke of the stepmother.

Even without fairy tales, there are enough programming installations in childhood that prove the semi-functionality of an unmarried woman in the modern world. Who is familiar with the phrases: “Who needs you like that?”, “But with your character, you won’t get along with any husband!”, “A submissive calf sucks two queens,” etc.?

Perhaps unconsciously, our teachers continue to tell us that there is no life without a man, that a woman by herself is worth little. And what are the phrases worth: “Who needs you and your children?”, “All the good men have been taken away long ago,” “If you don’t get married before the age of 25, you’ll remain an old maid.”

There is only one cure for all misfortunes: get married as soon as possible.

To ensure your safety in this world, you need a man. The same genetic memory of the family continues to work.

In order to attract the attention of men, women begin to go on diets, attend trainings and seminars on the topic “How not to miss your one and only,” follow fashion, and carefully take care of themselves. Everything would be fine, but the reason for such self-improvement is confusing. And they really believe that with the advent of a man, all problems in life will disappear. That is, happiness is possible somewhere where there is only one, in the future.

These are psychological illusions

Expecting happiness from someone is voluntary slavery and an irresponsible attitude towards one’s life. It is always more convenient to wait for a goldfish by the blue sea, which makes wishes come true. But the longer the fish does not swim, the more painful it becomes from the collapse of illusions.

And if suddenly a man appears on the horizon, the woman clings to him with a death grip and, with the look of a beggar, is ready to do whatever is needed if the sweetheart is nearby. After all, the song clearly states that this is a woman’s happiness.

From this moment on, a spiral of relationships built on the principle “Honey, save me from myself” begins to unwind. After all, on my own I am nothing and no one, but with you I feel needed and important.

Men and women come into relationships with different goals

Both want to have pleasure: only men want it “here and now,” and women make plans for the future and fill all the empty spaces with their presence next to a man. And one fine day a man may discover that in his bathroom there are more and more feminine toiletries: balms, scrubs, lotions, pads, etc. And he feels cramped in his own space.

On a subconscious level, a man will try to restore his status quo and protect his autonomy. He either becomes irritable or completely withdraws and goes into his cave, away from the woman. She begins to smell of lack of freedom, and, not really understanding the reasons, the man will strive to keep his distance. Instinct kicks in.

What do women do? Feeling the danger and lack of former romance in the relationship, they try to return everything to the way it was. Otherwise, God forbid, a man will kick her out to be devoured by the wolves (as her great-great-grandfather once kicked out her great-great-grandmother) and at the age of 25 (!!!) she will remain an old maid, of no use to anyone. And women do this as best they can: some throw hysterics, some silently endure all the insults and humiliations. But neither the gaze of a devoted dog nor the gaze of a ferocious tigress seduces.

I know what I am saying. More and more often, I receive requests from women with the following content: “What should I do, the man has become indifferent towards me, he will never call first, I am always the initiator of our meetings, but I love him.” When I clarify why continue this relationship, the girl notices with amazement that she loves a man, wants to start a family with him in the future, have children from him.

In such cases, I ask the question: “Why do you need to get married?” Do not misunderstand me. I am not at all against the institution of family. On the contrary, I believe that only in relationships can you truly open up, go beyond your narrow point of view, learn to interact, experience all the delights of love relationships and the experience of unconditional love. The purpose of my question is the desire to find out what a girl means by the concept of “getting married.”

And here the program settings from childhood begin to appear. The very state of being “unmarried” automatically translates into the concept of “second-class”. Everyone is getting married, but they won’t take you, which means there’s something wrong with you. And the years go by, youth fades, rivals become younger and younger.

What to do?

1. Get rid of the idea that having a man automatically guarantees security.

I am sure that even in your immediate circle there is enough evidence to the contrary. When a woman is a leader in the family, she earns enough to not only feed herself, but also her husband, children, dog and other relatives. If this cannot be said about you yet, then you should seriously think about your financial security.

Unfortunately, it is financial dependence that often keeps women close to men who do not value them and offend them. But it’s better to survive on water with buckwheat than to endure a tyrant husband. Enlist the support of family and friends.

2. Stop thinking that being married gives you a special status in society.

You, in yourself, are of great value. There is no other half, you yourself are 100%. A man who appears in your life can only strengthen what is in you. If you feel empty and lonely inside, then a man will only intensify this feeling. If there is love and a state of high from oneself inside, then the man will also increase this. And then 1+1 = 11.

Your value to others is not a man as an appendage to you, but your deeds and the state that you broadcast around you.

3. Learn to love and value yourself by definition.

Love is energy that you need to learn to produce yourself. You can, of course, recharge yourself with love from someone - this is also a way. But in this case you become dependent on the source. Just like a phone: without power, even the latest iPhone model becomes useless. Don't look for love in husbands, children, friends. Learn to experience the love of being alone with yourself.

How to do it? Arrange romantic dates for yourself: take yourself to a cafe, feed yourself delicious food, watch good films, go for walks or travel. Be filled with the energy of love and self-sufficiency.

A woman’s task is to enjoy everything she comes into contact with. This is the creative function of a woman. She creates the energy of love autonomously and fills the surrounding space with it. And then there will be no need for any doping in the form of a man. Rather, the man will need you.

4. There is no need to connect the concepts of marriage and having children.

Again, program settings insist that the biological clock is ticking and it’s time to think about healthy offspring. And the woman begins to think about having a child, no matter what. And when you clarify “why,” I hear: “It’s time,” “The sooner, the healthier the children are,” “My man already wants it.”

Having a baby is not like having a kitten. Motherhood is just one of the ways to realize your femininity and love. And why is everyone so concerned about the physical health of the baby, while they prefer not to think about mental health for a while. If the foundation of your relationship has already cracked, then you won’t be able to build a strong house. And the children will suffer.

Children are happy when their parents are happy. If the mother has empty and tear-stained eyes, then the child will learn the wrong program: family and happiness are incompatible concepts. 80% of a baby’s self-esteem depends on the mother’s self-esteem.

5. Take action

This point is where a conscious approach to your life lies. First you need to learn to experience joy and gain energy without a man, and then think about what kind of man you need. If you just need a man as a biological species, then finding him will not be difficult. Weak and weak-willed men simply dream of being found. But that's not what you need, is it? Consider your answers to the following questions.

A man with whom you want to build a family - what is he like?
What woman could be next to him?
What in your current state is preventing you from attracting such a man into your life?
What thoughts and attitudes are preventing it from appearing?

And when you deal with your “cockroaches” about yourself, stop working out generic scenarios, you will feel a huge center of power within yourself. The powers of love.

Love is a movement in one direction

A sad expression on your face has never saved any relationship. Let your eyes shine with Love, there are plenty of reasons for this. The people around us simply mirror us and our attitude towards ourselves. What's inside is also outside.

Your actions should not be aimed at finding a husband and not at rushing your chosen one to make a choice. Your actions should be aimed at creating a new version of yourself. And then, left alone with yourself, you will be able to say with sincere love for yourself: “But for me, it’s better to be alone! I want to eat halva, I want gingerbread.”