My husband's brother fell in love with me. Fell in love with her husband's twin brother

Hello, my situation is already 15 years old. I met my husband 15 years ago, after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend whom I loved very much, and I decided, well, he (now my husband) is very suitable for sex, handsome, tall, affectionate. A year later we were married, because I realized that I could not find such a husband. Of course it wasn’t love, but I appreciated him. Now, after 15 years, I can say for sure that I love him and am grateful for 15 years of a wonderful life and two children. BUT, my problem is that I love his brother, when I saw him for the first time, I didn’t know that he was my boyfriend’s brother, but it was love at first sight when we approached and it turned out that it was his brother, I I couldn’t be happier that now I can communicate with him often. But now this communication is driving me to depression. I don’t know what to do, of course I won’t leave my husband and his brother won’t leave his family, and I actually don’t know if he loves me, for 15 years, neither he nor I have said a word on this topic. But he likes me, I catch his glance and he turns away, I see that his daughter-in-law is jealous of me, although for no reason, there are already conversations among my family. But as I already wrote, everything is written on the water with a pitchfork. My question is this: how can I get thoughts of him out of my head? How to stop comparing my husband with him, how to stop waiting for the next family party to see him and hear him call me by name. In my head I understand that most likely I was just making up God knows what, but in my heart I can’t stop loving him. For 15 years now, I’ve been trying, no matter what I did, I tried to think badly about him, tried to be rude to him, so that he would offend me and it would become easier for me to hate him, but once he hugs me, I’m all like a 15-year-old girl again. I REALLY NEED ADVICE on how to stop this illness, how to live with my husband and be happy that I am loved, I have a happy life, my husband is my best friend, I can talk to him about everything except this topic, and this depresses me . Please, help. Unfortunately, I live in a country where you have to pay through the nose for consultations with a psychologist, and my husband manages the finances, so I have to look for a solution on the Internet.

Hello Tamara!

You, of course, do not love your husband's brother in the full sense of the word. You don’t know him, you don’t have a relationship, which means there can’t be full-fledged love and affection here, all this arises only in contact, in relationships. You love some dream of yours, your unfulfilled needs with your husband, and you fantasize that his brother, for example, can satisfy them. It could be any other man, but for some reason your unconscious chose your husband’s brother. But this has nothing to do with love. This is an impulse to satisfy some unmet needs. Discover these needs, find a way to satisfy them (in marriage or outside of it), and your “disease,” as you called it, will go away on its own. All the best, Elena.

Hello Tamara! You can't just throw away your feelings. It's not a thing. The situation is ambiguous. I agree with my colleague that a lot of things are far-fetched, there are no real relationships, there is simply a desire for these relationships, which are idealized and embellished. What exactly he feels for you is also unclear, only your assumptions. I am more than sure that even if the relationship began, disappointments would begin after some time. Therefore, you shouldn’t start them. You are lucky with your husband; indeed, after 15 years, the relationship remains more friendly and that’s wonderful. You lack romance, fire, experiences. Try to listen to yourself - what do you want in this relationship. This is exactly what you lack in your relationship with your husband. How could you make your desire come true, only with your husband. You can talk to your husband about what you are missing in your marriage. Perhaps add fire, romance to your friendships and how this can be done. Come up with a global goal for your family and implement it. Find yourself an activity, a hobby, a hobby that would captivate you entirely; this is also a passion, albeit of a different kind. Try everything and you will definitely find something that will help you cope with this situation. Good luck to you!

Tamara, is your father alive and well?

What happened when you were 15 years old (“I’m like a 15 year old girl again”)?

If there is a feeling that “my husband is my best friend,” then we will explain the search for a man, and not a friend... For a woman, a husband is important as a man, and not a friend.

You love your husband “I can say for sure that I love him and am grateful for 15 years of a wonderful life and two children” and you love his brother “it was love at first sight” - it’s important to feel what you feel, and not “just say” :)) )

Hello Tamara!

“Getting it out of your head” definitely won’t work. But you may be able to learn to live with these feelings by redirecting them in the right fruitful direction. Because for now these feelings only destroy you from the inside. Feelings are very well redirected to long-standing unsatisfied needs (passionate desire to sing, be a ballerina, draw, etc.). What did you want to do as a child, but didn’t have the opportunity? Choose an activity that you enjoy so that you become passionate about it. Believe me, wise nature created us in such a way that we can redirect destructive energies in the body into positive directions and develop ourselves at the same time!

Good luck to you! By the way, our psychologists also charge “crazy money” for consultations relative to our average salaries. But it is the Internet that rather unites you and me, rather than the level of cost of services

Nadin, Is it hard? Yes, me too... But I think don’t tell anyone about this, we don’t tell anyone, even though it’s hard. It’s been a year since my feelings for him awoke, we just started communicating closer. Thank God, we rarely see each other; we live in different countries. This summer I went to visit my mother-in-law with my children (I have been with my husband for almost 10 years, we have 2 beloved children). My brother lives with her in the same city. He is younger than me. I was without my husband because he was working. My brother took me for walks, just walks in nature, long conversations (we both turned out to be romantic) We had a lot in common. He was interested in me, judging by the fact that he could walk with me for hours. I was also pleased, he is handsome, young (his body is awesome, especially his arms and shoulders). Once on a walk I asked him to hold his hand and touch his muscles. Yes, a little bit. Then there was one day, he still didn’t want to go home, then we came to my mother-in-law, it was already late, he decided to drink beer, he drank a lot! It was as if he wasn't drunk. In general, in the morning he still kissed me. I told him that he was just drunk and to go to bed (although I wanted to continue, I just didn’t want to be drunk, I thought we’d talk when he sobered up) He said that it’s not the first day that he’s been drunk... (this was said very cute :)) On to the next one. the day he spoke to me as usual, but he didn’t want to talk about it, apparently his conscience was tormenting him. Then, on one of the walks, I kissed him myself, he sat, did not touch me, but did not resist the kisses, then he said that he was not made of iron and went to his friends, I went home. On the last day, before I left, I bought him good whiskey as a gift, invited him to drink with friends, but he offered to sit with me (like having a little drink before leaving). As always, I did a little, but he did a lot, it was obvious he wanted to relax. We sat until late at night and it happened. In all the years of my marriage, I have never cheated (my husband seems to love me and, in principle, is happy with it) But I can’t forget what happened then! Such crazy passion, and he is also so handsome! In general, I think women will understand me. In the morning to the airport, with children and transfers... But I somehow got through it all... Home, husband, friends. I am always somewhere but not here, mentally with him. In a month, he is going to visit us. I'm going crazy! He came, we often walked with him, just in nature. One day I talked to him, he said that he couldn’t, that we weren’t allowed. On the last day of his departure, we sat and drank, as if to say goodbye, my husband got drunk, my brother too, I went to see him, to say Spock. night and then it started again. True, before this he said that his conscience would again torment him. I told him, don't do it then, but it didn't change anything. In general, he left, was cold from me, changed girls there (I know everything from my husband). She and her husband talked almost every day. For some reason they were given 2 weeks of vacation at work, my husband persuaded him, he came again. For 10 days. I almost didn’t work, he and I walked together. He always keeps his distance from me. As before. One day I pestered him, he did not resist, but then he stood up and said that it was impossible! Several days passed, I couldn’t stand it and tried again, one last time. He smiled and said that we simply can’t! In general, as always in our traditions, before leaving we sat and drank. Three of us. He got so drunk and began to confess his love to him. They say you are my elder, a role model, I love and respect you. And then he added and I’m afraid (still so clearly and loudly) Even though my husband was howling, he remembered this and didn’t understand why he was afraid (and I understood, but I said don’t pay attention, he just drank a lot) he also said, that I respect, love and fear, so I didn’t do much (I hope my husband took this proposal for drunken nonsense). It meant a lot to me. Although it’s a shame, I know that he also has feelings for me, but still this is his beloved brother. That's it, no one knows about it except us.

Hello, Yana.
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and really love it!
Thank you very much for your question-answer section! I decided to write to you about my problem. I would very much like to know your opinion and the opinion of your
readers.

I've been dating a guy for about a year (let's call him N.). We are planning to move in together soon. I will move to N. and we will live together in an apartment,
which he removes. We will pay in half (in any case, I want to insist on this).
And I would like to live and be happy, but there is one problem that already haunts me. A few months ago we went to visit brother N. in another city for a couple of days. I was very worried when I was driving. I wanted to make a good impression on Brother N. After all, this is his brother and a very close person. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out the way I wanted.
When we arrived, Brother N. received me rather coldly.

Almost didn't communicate with me. If he saw me yawning at dinner, he could say: “If you want, go to bed.” Are we going to sit here for a little while longer? It sounded, to be honest, as if he was driving me away (as I later learned from N. himself, this was the case). One day we got together to play badminton (I must say that N. and his brother play very well, but I play rather poorly). Brother N. suddenly asked: “Are you coming with us too?” I was very surprised and replied that I was going. It was somehow strange for me that I would be left alone in someone else’s apartment, and they would go and play. Hearing my answer, he began to figure out what I should do while THEY played. To say that I was surprised is to say nothing. I thought that we would all play together in turns - two playing, one watching. But this option didn’t even occur to him. Later, on a joint walk, brother N.
walked ahead of us and hardly communicated with us. The climax happened the next day, when N., his brother and my brother’s friend and I went on a sortie. My brother and friend barely communicated with me. The friend also constantly made ugly jokes and comments about women. He even made an indirect remark about my appearance, saying that I was ugly. I felt very uncomfortable and upset. N. tried to resolve the situation and smooth out rough edges, to get me and his brother to talk, but nothing worked for him. In my brother’s defense, it must be said that he was going through a difficult period then, because... a few weeks before our arrival, he broke up with his girlfriend. Although I don't know why or how this affected his communication with me.

Actually the problem: I am very offended by brother N. It seems to me that his behavior towards me was simply rude. And I wouldn’t want to communicate with him. But now he often comes to visit N. and stays with him. And it is assumed that this will be the case when N. and I live together. And I don't want him to live with us.
I understand that this is N.’s family and we need to make concessions and forgive grievances. But how? For some reason this situation really hurt me. As soon as I start to remember her, a storm of emotions immediately rises in my soul. Perhaps because in that situation I tried to be as nice as possible and not make a fuss about it all. After all, I was visiting. But now my behavior seems humiliating to me. And I also think that no one understood how unpleasant and offensive I was.
Also, literally after this situation, I became quite ill and still cannot recover. Shortly before that situation, I had several very stressful moments. And now I am also haunted by the thought that perhaps this situation was the last straw, and all these experiences led to illness. And I understand with my head that all this is not worth worrying about and being offended, but I can’t do anything about it.

I talked to N. about the problem of my attitude towards his brother. He justifies his brother by saying that he had a difficult period, and asks to give his brother a second chance. But I still can’t do it. Please tell me how can I let go of the grudge? How to communicate with a person with whom you are offended and angry?

Sorry for the confusion. For some reason it is very difficult to write about this. I really hope for your comment.
Thank you!

Hello!

I don’t at all agree with the thesis that something needs to be endured and accepted. I also disagree with your “word in defense of my brother.” You never know, who has had something bad in their life. This is never a reason to be rude to other people, or to transfer some of your personal experience, paranoia and anger onto them.

In that situation, when you were visiting, and after several such “passages” it became clear that you were not liked here and were being deliberately offended, I would open my mouth and ask for an explanation. In such cases, I usually say: “Listen, what have I done to you? You offend and insult me ​​here, but I have nowhere to get away from you, because I’m your guest. What’s stopping you from communicating normally with me? What needs to happen to Could we at least communicate peacefully and diplomatically during the time we are still here?”

This helps a lot. Those. The very fact that the person was given a rebuff helps. They expressed that they had noticed his behavior and understood it correctly, and were going to rebuff him, sort out the situation until it changed. Therefore, in response to this, people often mumble something like “nothing, oh well” and stop behaving that way. Or, if a person answers something, you can work with it. for example, if he starts talking about how all women are bitches. including his ex - explain that you are not his ex, and there is no need to work out some traumas that have nothing to do with you. In any case, this will already be an open answer, to which something reasonable can also be said.
I am also always ready to offer such a person the world (just once!). He tried to quietly offend me, I rebuffed him. He didn't count on it. I can give her one more chance to get out of this situation without war (why do we need war). I can say: “Okay, we didn’t have a very good start - let’s try to communicate peacefully, like adults.”
At this point, many such people agree and everything improves.

If a person, in response to such steps, says that “well, I don’t love you, I don’t like you, and I’m not going to put up with you here, etc.” then we need to draw the appropriate conclusions from this. I didn’t go to visit such a person again. She told her husband (or life partner) that this is the result of your open conversation, this person cannot stand you, and you should not tolerate such an attitude towards yourself and are not going to. Because no one should treat anyone like that at all, and no one should tolerate this, ever, from anyone, for any reason. Therefore, he can go to his brother himself, but you will no longer set foot in his house. And if he comes to the house where you live together, he must insist that his brother treat you like a human being in your home.

If you live together with someone and have a common house, then in this house (which is your fortress) he should be on your side! Or he will get his brother to treat you with respect. or he tells his brother that he should spend the night in another place. Or you find yourself in a house that is not your territory, where you are the mistress, and your fortress. (This is actually a reason to have your own home, or together with someone who understands that in your shared home the owners should be the two of you and no one else.) Building a nest with someone in a place where you don’t feel Making yourself the mistress of the situation is, in my opinion, very harmful to your health and nerves. Therefore, if you cannot figure out this issue now, it will be even worse later. Imagine what it will be like to reach the point of despair, when you already have common children, common property, marriage and a bunch of connections and obligations.

In general, you can also ask a man what he thinks about all this. in the sense that you are going to move in together - and he understands that by this you mean a truly common life together, a common territory, a common house, a common nest. In which you must be a mistress to exactly the same extent as he is. And not at a party. Maybe talking it out will be enough for him to understand what's really going on. What is this - seriously, this is truly your common home, and he must ensure that any guests of this house respect you there. It may also happen that from his answers it will become clear that he is not going to recognize you as the owner of this territory, and accordingly recognize some of your rights there. If so, it’s better to find out about it now.

I wish everyone to hear you and show you due respect. :-)
Or find a life partner whose family’s ideas of loyalty and politeness coincide with yours.

I am almost 25 years old, I am married, we are raising a daughter. I have a good relationship with my mother-in-law, she, one might say, replaced my own mother (my mother, unfortunately, is no longer with us).

I developed warm relations with all my husband’s relatives, except for his older brother, he initially received me with hostility, I did not understand the reason, at first I tried to somehow establish friendly communication with him, but he did not make contact (he lives in a civil marriage for about 8 years). My relationship with his wife also didn’t work out; for some reason she also took me with hostility. And I realized the reason a little later.

In November, my mother-in-law had an anniversary, and since we live not far from each other, I often help her, so I arranged an anniversary for her, ordered a cafe, paid for everything, invited all relatives, family friends, colleagues of my mother-in-law (after all, 55 years , retirement.

On the appointed day, we all gathered in a cafe, everything was going well, until the wife of my husband’s brother began to find fault with me over trifles, saying that I always interfere in everything, I am my beloved daughter-in-law, and she is always on the sidelines. Nobody considers her to be a person. I tried to explain to her that we have equal rights, and I don’t pretend to have a “better title”, in general, complete nonsense, then she said that she hated me and that I wanted to take her husband away from her. I was taken aback, because we hardly communicate with him. But then he intervened himself, took her away, calmed her down, and then came up to me, asked for forgiveness for his wife, and then he burst out, he said that he fell in love with me from our first meeting, that’s why he had such an attitude towards me, he tried eradicate your feelings for me with hatred.

I didn’t know what to say, I was in shock, to say that I was stunned by this turn of events is to say nothing, because for almost 5 years I thought that he hated me, but here it is. It was only by miracle that my husband did not hear this conversation. I tried to turn everything into a joke, but he was serious, and I saw it, I felt uneasy, I didn’t know what to say, I just let it all go (as it turned out, in vain).

About two weeks ago he came to his mother-in-law with things, he and his wife separated and all that, I didn’t know anything about his arrival, because at that moment I was in the hospital for treatment (my daughter was with my grandmother that day). When I returned, I naturally went to my mother-in-law to pick up my daughter, and there he was sitting with her, and there was no one else. We sat down at the table, he poured tea, I felt like I was sitting on a hot frying pan, he acted as if we had always been best friends, asked for forgiveness for everything he said to me, said that he would never dare to do with my brother like a pig, I relaxed a little.

A couple of days have passed since that conversation. He came to our site to visit, my husband was just getting ready for work, the three of us stayed, he went to play with his daughter, and I began to prepare dinner. An hour later, he entered the kitchen, said that the baby was watching cartoons, I offered him tea, I don’t know what happened in his head at that moment, but then his mind was blown. He tried to hug me, kiss me, said that he left his wife for me, that he loved me and he only needed me. I tried to reason with him, he calmed down, listened to me and seemed to agree with my arguments, but said that he could not help himself. I understand that you can’t command your heart, and I can’t command it to stop loving me, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me.

I don’t want them to quarrel over me, because they are brothers, but I can’t remain silent about this, I don’t know what to do anymore, should I tell my husband about this or not? I feel like some kind of teenager. It’s also hard because he’s here now and doesn’t plan to return to his wife, I avoid meeting him, especially one on one, but I see how he looks at me, and sooner or later both my husband and mother-in-law will notice it. I don't want to lie to him. Please advise what to do?

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